July 2010 Rads

Hello again,

I guess we are taking retail therapy to new heights  LOL,   I confess to buying very expensive Frette sheets on the weekend,  but I did get them for a great deal. 

Chicago, hope everything goes well for you in the exchange,  enjoy the time in Vegas,  watch out for those outlet malls. 

 Julie good to hear from you again. 

I started a restorative yoga class last week and found it seemed to help with energy though I was surprised that it left me a bit sore as it seemed so gentle.  

I find I am vacillating between okay and isolation.  In the Mark Nepo book there was another good analogy of choices just being different not better.   I am finding that I need to define a new path,  and that seems to be taking more energy than I wish. 

Hope you have a good week, b

Hi everyone!  Very sad day where I live, two police officers killed this morning.  I wonder why we get the chance to fight for our lives, yet these two men didn't even have a chance. 

I tried to wait to weeks before making a doctor's appointment, but I can't take it any more!  My left ankle is killing me and it swells all day long,  By the end of the day it is huge and really hurts.  WTH???  I've imagined cancer, heart not pumping, arthritis, Arimidex???  Only the left.  Anyone have any ideas??

Karen, I'm anxious to hear how your eye appointment goes.  Please update us.

Frette sheets?  I have to admit I don't know what they are??

Sorry Julie about your Bears .

Hugs to all, Tracye

Hi All,

Tracye your ankle sounds like arthritis to me. I would think cancer would stay static whereas the more you walk during the day, the more arthritis swells. I am deeply paranoid about my back and rib cage right now - I have this very strange sensation that is likely muscular but it's all I think about in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. The fears are so hard to deal with - I can sure understand why you feel worried.

Brenda I bought the Mark Nepo book and I'm finding many of his metaphors helpful. Just got started and I'm trying to catch up to do a reading for each day so I can sit with some of his thoughts.

Karen, your news makes me feel like I should go get checked. My eyes feel a little blurry quite regularly - I've been thinking I need to get a check up.. I hope it's nothing for you and certainly hope it's just normal aging for me too!!

Good luck with your exchange Chicago.

I've been thinking lots about reoccurance - oh wait what's new with that.??? I feel like it's chronic right now. Maybe because I have a bunch of doctor's appointments this month.  It just never seems to end. Hope you guys are getting through this better than me - I am so SICK of my thoughts.

Maybe I'll go shopping for new sheets too Brenda - at least I'll feel good when I lay awake and worrying!!! 

This is my first month since April with no cancer appointments, so exciting!  Seems like they all bunch up together doesn't it?  Then we don't get a mental break.  Karen your onc's words are very encouraging!

I have a question for you....do you share with anyone how much you worry about recurrence?  I have in the past and seems that the family can't really think about it.  So I don't talk about it any more except here. 

Trace

Brenda - lol on the outlet malls.  If I continue on the streak I've been on, I am likely to come back with an additional suitcase.  I am also constantly surprised how sore I am after yoga!  I really enjoy it though.  It seems to bring some peace to my over active head.

Karen - I hope your eye doctor ends up finding out that it is nothing.  The thought of eye surgery grosses me out too.  I've always wanted Lasik surgery to correct my vision (I can't read my alarm clock in the AM without glasses) but I've never had the guts to do it. 

Tracye - That is such an awful story about the police officers.  They just had two firefighters die in Chicago this month and I couldn't escape the coverage.  I just found myself so sad for the wives and children they left behind.  I hope your ankle turns out to be OK.  I don't talk about recurrence anywhere but here either.  I know  my hubby wants to think this whole mess is over. 

Sonia - I fear recurrence quite a bit too. I feel like I swing wildly between feeling like it is eminent and feeling like I can somehow prevent it by being hardcore about eating, exercising etc.  That is so awful about your co-worker!  Someone else to add to the prayer list!

I just got an update on girl that was in my sorority in college.  She got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer around the same time I got diagnosed last year.   I can't get over it because she is 33 and only a year older than I am.  She had her colon and a good portion of her liver removed.  I just can't work out how cancer gets that far along in women so young!  They told her the same thing they told me that a tumor of my size likely was there for at least 10 and more likely 15 to 20 years before it was palpable.  What the hell did I do at 16 years old that set this chain of action in motion!?!?!?

If you can't tell, I am kind of in an angry phase.  Maybe angry, maybe frustrated.  I am hoping a few days away will be a good outlet for my anger.  I am also completely frustrated because I've managed to gain 10 lbs since September.  I can take ownership for some less than ideal holiday eating but this is ridiculous! I've been on the ball since new years day. I've been tracking my calories every day. . .weighing and measuring every bite and I gained another 2 lbs since then. 

Hi all,

Chicago - You have every right to be angry. It's horrifying to think of cancer cells floating around a 16-year-old. I like to look through old magazines, and I will sometimes look at the year and wonder did I have cancer then and just not know it? I wish I knew what I could blame it on, because then maybe I could control it. The lack of control is disturbing. I have not yet gotten all that angry, but I know it's coming - just another stage in recovering from this nightmare.

Tracye - I don't talk to too many people about my fears of recurrence. I have one friend I talk to some, but I never tell him just how much it scares me. Have you made an appointment with your doctor yet?

B - Like you, I vacillate between normal and fragile. I am having more "normal" days than in the past, but I'm still far from where I used to be. I'm really struggling with making signficant life decisions (like whether to move, whether to stay at my job), because I'm afraid I won't have the time to fix a mistake if I make one. In the past, I would tell myself my decisions were not irrevocable, and I could change my mind. Now I feel pressured to make perfect decisions.

We are all so in sync....a little while ago I mentioned that I have this trade show to go to and I'm dreading it because I don't want to explain to all these folks about cancer and tx, etc.  I feel like I have my close people and that's all I need.  I'm really fretting about it.  Here's the question, would it be terrible if I didn't go?  I've been with my company for 22 years and am kind of the "face" of the company....I just don't think I can do it.  AND, it requires that I stand from 7 till 3, in heels.  That's always hard each year, but with the ankle??  I welcome your thoughts.

Hi Karen, yes, saw my primary today.  He's concerned about a blood clot from the recent hysterectomy, maybe arthritis, maybe gout.  Do people get gout any more???  So, ultrasound of the leg tomorrow (WTH??), xray to look for arthritis and bloodwork.  I never thought I'd hope for arthritis.  And I was excited that I didn't have any doctor's appointments in January!

I also have days where I'm sure I'm not going to have a recurrence and other days, I just wonder in which body part it will appear.  Some days I really obsess about it all, but keep it to myself,

Ok, going to check in with our President and see what he's saying.  Nite all. 

Oh Trish so sorry to hear you are in a holding pattern waitning for results and feeling like a pin cushion. It just doesn't seem fair you have to start with tests and Doctors again - it's really a nightmare - hang in there. Don't forget that most findings are benign.  I am full of fear about having to deal with what you are dealing with - my thoughts are with you and I am sending you loads of good thoughts. 

Tracye -  I totally understand why you don't want to go and think you shouldn't do anything you don't want to - hello - you have just been through at least two terrible traumas and now have to deal with a very sore ankle and all that will entail. You could say: 1) I am having an issue with my ankle and Doctors have recommended I not attend - period. 2)Personal reasons - no explanation. 3)I don't want to and you can't make me!!!!! I work in a school and have only told a few people. If you don't want to explain or inform your colleagues - you don't have to. Although people may stare at you like they do me when I pick the cheese off my pasta wondering if I have an eating disorder and although I want to shout I just had cancer and I'm trying to avoid reoocurrance by being psycotic about what I put in my body - I opt for them believing I have an eating disorder and not having to deal with all the questions, sad eyes etc. By the way - I was diagnosed with arthritis when I had my bone scan.  It is in both my wrists and I have to say I was relieved and happy when I heard the diagnosis!!! So sick but understandable given our situation.

Chicago - anger sounds extremly healthy to me - it is terrible you've been through breast cancer and that you are staring your mortality in the face at age 32 when you should be living a carefree life. Be f$%^ing mad - it feels good and you've earned it!!!  

Thanks for the well wishes.  I feel a little more resigned to it all today.  It was just so fresh yesterday and I was scared... could you tell?  I'll let you know how it goes. 

Meanwhile, I came across another discussion board here you guys need to see.  Search on the term 'Bonfirre of the Goddesses'.  I think I spelled that right.  What a hoot!  I have a ton of stuff to add to that fire.  And now starting a new pile....   Go check it out, it will make you smile.

Thanks again for being there.... Trish

Hi everyone,

Trish - I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'm hoping your biopsy comes back with good news, but even if it's bad news, we'll be here for you. Sending hugs your way. I stumbled across the Bonfire for the Goddesses thread and you're right - it's a hoot!

Tracye - I hope your leg turns out to be something they can easily fix. I have a coworker who has gout, so it is still around as an illness. I completely agree with Sonia - if you don't want to go to the trade show, don't go. Your ankle is a perfectly acceptable excuse, but I also like Sonia's "don't want to go and you can't make me." LOL!

Sonia - I chuckled at your comment about your psychotic eating. I was mad all through the holidays because people kept trying to KILL me by giving me sugary things. I was actually starting to get offended that people were giving me cookies and such. The book Anticancer has become my food bible. I put turmeric on nearly everything now.

Chicago - enjoy your trip. Your attitude is fine - you've just been dealt a sucky hand of cards, and you have every right to be angry and upset.  I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip.

Julie - sorry you're having other health problems. I think all the doctor's visits we have all been having is just keeping cancer foremost in our minds. It's hard to feel like it's going to be okay, when you can't make it more than a few weeks without seeing a doctor.

Sending cyberhugs to everyone, since everybody seems to be having a tough time. I'm sooo glad we've become cyberfriends!

Karen

Trish--I am praying extra hard for you, I hope all will be AOK...My heart breaks that you have to go through this mess again with worry.

Did you ladies hear about this:  FDA's recent announcement regarding a possible link between saline/silicone gel-filled breast implants and anaplastic large cell lymphoma (ALCL).

Its always something....

Tracy-Gout, My father-in-law just had it, he had to take some pills for a week then it went away, he had it in his big TOE, very painful.  BIG HUG

I am sooooo sorry to hear this dx.  That really sucks and I feel for you.  Only good thing to say is that what they found was so tiny and good for you that you are being watched so carefully.  Most likely they can do surgery and you'll be fine after that.  Hang in there, it really is a bad deal, but so glad they found it early.

Trish,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this again. That's so not fair. Sending hugs and well wishes your way.

Karen

Hi all,

I'm really struggling with processing my coworker's health issues. I mentioned her before: 29 and had a seizure at work a week ago. Turns out she has a high-grade brain cancer and the prognosis is NOT good (median survival for the cancer she has is only 18 months). I'm kind of stunned by the speed in which she went from apparently healthy to where she is now. I used to get angry when others would tell me that breast cancer is the "good" cancer, but now I kind of think it is. I've also been walking around the past 8 months envying everyone who appeared healthy. I now feel GUILTY about that, because here she was with a brain tumor growing that she knew nothing about. It has really brought home for me that none of us are guaranteed even one more day. It also makes me feel more pressured to make decisions about whether I want to move, what I want to do with the rest of my life, etc.

I feel like I'm rambling and don't even quite know what it is I'm trying to say, other than cancer really sucks.

Karen

Thanks for the link to the video!