July 2010 Rads
Comments
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Well if you are insane Sonia so am I, I too have been emotional. so we are in it together. LOL
Kim, I guess the new year brings all these thoughts, Like last year hoping for a good year and having no idea, thank God, what lies ahead. So once bitten, twice shy.
I just find myself, not in it, like I am looking on. strange.
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Well Sonia and Brenda, I guess that makes 3 of us that are insane, lol!
Julie - how's the new haircut?
Kim
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Hi guys,
I think we've all gone off the deep end together (LOL). I feel anxious much of the time (I've always been high-strung, but not like THIS). It gets worse whenever I have followup visits (have the radiation onc this Friday and the medical onc at the end of the month). I'm not so angry anymore about having cancer, but I am increasingly angry about how some people I thought cared about me ended up missing in action (including both of my surviving siblings and two close friends).
I feel the closest to "normal" when I'm at the gym. It seems like the one thing I can do that I don't WORRY while doing. However, I'm often too tired after working all day to make it to the gym. I miss being happy - seems like forever since I felt real joy in anything. I'm always scared, sad, or mad. Neutral is as good as it gets right now. I'm sure Tamoxifen isn't helping to regulate my moods, either (LOL!)
Ah well - guess it's all just another stage in healing. Hope everybody has a good week this week. Sending positive vibes to those of you waiting for test results.
Karen
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Karen, well at least we are all together!
I am finding I too am angry at feeling abandoned by some people who I thought I could rely on. It is a tough spot to be in. I know it is more about them, but wow, it is hard not to be hurt. I am hoping that this will pass as part of the anger phase, but I know it has really shook me. I have asked myself, have I been the friend I should have been? I guess it has been a real wake up call in more ways than one.
Sheesh, you think we have enough to deal with, but I think you are right it probably is another stage we have to move through. I guess this is why we are so emotionally drained, we have to face an awful lot of tough stuff. No wonder we are exhausted!!!
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tracye and Julie - I hope you're hanging in there. Thinking of you two, sending positive thoughts your way.
Brenda, Kim, and Karen - I am so with you on all you're saying. It feels like my "me" is buried so deeply inside me - sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get me back again. I think I go between highly disassociated or irrational/obsessed. Can't seem to find much of an in between.
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My goodness..in reading the most recent posts, I could have written them. Isn't it funny how we experience a lot of the same things at the same time? I hope everyone is doing better. And I'm hoping you can understand how I'm feeling today. Received a call from the nurse, she had my MRI report. She said it contains post radiation and lumpectomy changes, but no obvious cancer growing. She said my doctor would look a the actual scan and would call me if he had any concerns. So I should be jumping for joy, right? So why am I not? Obviously that's the best news I could have, but I feel more relief than joy. But I'm feeling a little down lately anyway. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's no ovaries and/or Arimidex...I don't know, I'm babbling.
Anyway, I couldn't wait to get on here tonight and share my good news. As we've all said, this is our sanctuary where everyone understands.
Thank you so much for all of your good wishes and positive thoughts - they worked! I'll be happy if they work for all of us
Big hugs, Tracye
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Trayce - Congratulations on your good news! What a relief. You know, when I got the results of my bloodwork and chest xray in November, I felt relieved at the good news but whenever I would find myself feeling really excited about the report and about how good I was feeling I would get scared. It is like I am scared to feel positive and excited for fear it is going to be taken from me. Anyway, I am so glad your scan was clean. No doubt you are also feeling the efffects of no ovaries plus "A". You have been through a lot!
Hugs, Kim
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Tracye, SO happy for your good news. let's keep it coming! It is interesting how we share the same feelings, I love the term BC sisters, I never had one, and it is so wonderful to have this group.
Sonia, I totally get what you mean about the me buried. I hope I can find me too, but I think it will take some time, as I think the old me has changed. I love the mood swings, I seem to parallel between too exhausted to care to obsessing.
Sometimes I feel like such a failure that I am not handling this how I think I should be, then I think maybe I need to take some time to let it settle and work through it, I know grief is a process and I guess I want a shortcut. I am going to take some time to try and get stronger and recover, I just feel so tired. I hope that with some time, exercise and good food I will start to feel like me again.
Kim, I agree that it is hard not too worry about the next thing. It seems like tempting fate.
Hugs, b
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Morning Everyone:
I hope everyone is doing well and have a better day if having a bad week...
Never got my hair done, going this week...:)
CT was NORMAL, knew that one already but went anyways.
Seeing my Surgen next week as my breast hurts like mad still, I'm sure its NORMAL as can be but going to see her to find out for sure.
So I decided that 2011 I am going to put 2010 behind me and move on if I can. I have/had BC but I will not allow myself to let to ruin my life anymore. One of my very good friends had stage III 5 years ago, as of today she is still cancer free and doing great. Like she told me, you have two choices, Let it ruin you as a person or move on and when you pray, pray it does not return. She is right...If I myself let it ruin my life and take over my life then BC wins and I will not allow that for myself...:) Its in Gods hands and I can't stop God from doing what he will do....
Don't get me wrong, my breast lets me know all the time the hell I went throught last year, but for me I can't keep thinking about it 24/7, or I wil go crazy.
Better note, I got a late Christmas present from Jim (my husband) and i-pad and I'm loving it...
Ladies, lets pray 2011 is a much better year for all of us....I think of each of you everyday and hope you are feeling better with each week that passes.
Many Hugs to all
Julie
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Julie - glad to hear your CT scan came back clear! You are right about not letting BC mess with our lives any more than it already has. I have BRIEF moments when I can put all of this in God's hands and know that no amount of worrying is going to change what will happen. I remind myself that none of us are guaranteed anything in life and none of us know when our time will come (you know this better than anyone due to what happened to your sister). I could be in a car accident tomorrow or fall down the stairs and hit my head. I think the hard thing for me is KINOWING what might kill me. Again, it is weird and I know I don't always make sense and I still worry way too much and I'm still very obsessed about my diet, exercise, etc. Anyway, enjoy your new iPad!
Have a good day everyone! Kim
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Donna - the walnut room was fantastic - although it was so crowded before Christmas that we left and came back after Christmas. . .didn't matter it was still great.
Hi Sonia - Sounds like your trip was nice and I am so glad to hear your MRI was good news.! Regarding your post with the shots. . .they would be in addition to the Tamoxifien. She said your ovaries tend to be pretty ‘hearty' in your early 30's so there may be some additional benefit from shutting them down. I think I am going to do it. I've been having hot flashes again, and sleeping like crap at night because of them but it is 100% reversible so I feel like I have to give it a shot. (No pun intended)
Tracye - Congratulations on your good scan news! I feel an upswing in the good news on the horizon.
Brenda/Sonia - I've been having some crazy dreams lately too. Very vivid and sometimes a little disturbing.
Julie - Christmas in the ER is the worst! I hope your BS gets to the bottom of your pain.
Sign me up for the insanity. I think I feel a little pissed off at everyone for going back to normal but I think I know in my head it is what I should do. I feel like BC is always on my mind but it never crosses anyone else's and it makes me crazy. Which is ironic because I think while I was going through Chemo I HATED everyone asking "how are you feeling". (Mostly because it seemed like such a dumb question. . .like 'I am bald and have epic stomach issues. . .how do you think I feel?)
I entered 2011 by saying 2010 - GFY! I think my friends thought I was nuts. Now I just need to effectively say goodbye to the Holiday pounds I put on. . . . .back to the healthy food grind.
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Hi all,
Tracye and Julie - congratulations on good test results! Hopefully we can get a trend going of GOOD news.
Kim - I have the same feeling - like the universe is just WAITING for me to start to enjoy myself so it can whammy me again. Irrational, I know, but can't seem to help feeling that way. I agree with you about knowing what might kill us. It's a bit like having a serial killer break in your house to try to kill you, you successfully fight him off, but he continues to lurk in your neighborhood while everyone else tells you to put it behind you.
Chicago - what does GFY mean?? I'm pretty sure I know what the "F" stands for, but not sure about the rest.
Brenda - I can relate to wanting a shortcut through this process. I think it's just going to take all of us a little time to work our way through it. It really has not been that long since any of us finished "active treatment".
I was convinced last night that I had found a small lump (this was while lying in bed half asleep). Now, I can't seem to find whatever it was I found last night. Don't know if that means nothing is there, or if I'm not in the right spot. I have a visit with the radiation oncologist this week, so will have her see if she feels anything out of the ordinary.
Karen
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Karen - I have done that several times - found a lump in my breast while in bed half asleep and then when I wake up I don't know if it was a dream or if it was real. I couldn't find the lumps later either. In my case I think they were dreams but they have seemed so real. Good that you will be able to get it checked out.
Liked your serial killer analogy!
Kim
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Tracye and Julie - glad to hear your results were good. It seems we have started the "getting on with it phase" - sure is easier said than done when the next round of tests always seem to be looming in the horizon.
I've been trying to avoid feeling my lumps - seems anytime I do I find something. Worrying about the aches and pains in my body seems to be my main priority - trying to keep it simple and just worry about metastisis instead of more breast cancer.
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LOL - Karen the G stands for go and the Y is for yourself. I think you probably guessed the second word already. ;-)
I totally had the same experience finding a lump and then not being able to find it again. It was in my non bc breast and it either went away or it was never there to begin with.
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Sonia - had to laugh about your comment about worrying about metastasis instead of bc! I obsess over every ache and pain. Courtesy of Tamoxifen, I have a lot of them. My shoulder started hurting after I had to shovel snow for the thrid time in a week a couple of weeks ago. I KNOW that's why it's hurting, and yet I still wonder what if... I'm able to laugh at myself a bit for my fears, so maybe I am getting a little better. At least I haven't started asking random strangers to feel my breasts to see if they feel lumps!
Chicago - I LOVE it that you ended the year by giving 2010 a good cussing! If ever a year needed to be cussed out, 2010 was the year
Karen
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Is there something wrong with asking strangers to feel your breasts for lumps?
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Not if they are goodlooking!
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awesome!
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Sonia and Karen - LOL!!!!! Too funny!
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Hi all,
I had a follow-up with the radiation oncologist today. She felt nothing worrisome in my breasts, so apparently I'm just being neurotic. She is going to try to get the radiologist to change the recommendation so that instead of a mammo in 6 months, I get an MRI. That makes me feel a bit better. She told me that when mammos are done this soon out after radiation that they nearly always come back BIRADS 3 - which also made me feel better. I dread these follow-up visits, but always feel relieved afterwards when they don't find anything wrong. One more visit with the medical oncologist later this month and then the only doctor I need to see for the next couple months is my dentist (and who knew I'd find a dental appointment to be a relief and nothing to fear??)
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Neurosis - I don't think anyone on these boards experiences neurosis - I mean seriously what ever would we have to feel neurotic about?
In all seriousness, I felt about five minutes of relief after the MRI and now I feel as though the serial killer is just waiting in the wings again. I had a long session with my counsellor yesterday and was telling her yet again about my mood swings and she was really reassuring - she works with breast cancer survivors (I hate that word) and says all the women including those of us who have not had chemo but been through treatment and are now on tamoxifen/AI's describe similar feelings, fogginess, tiredness, and in fact a woman who was finished her tamoxifen for five months was in her office and described feeling like herself for the first time in five years. I have to say, although I was horrified I could actually feel this way for five years - I was relieved there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope you are all having a great first week of the new year.
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Bailey---I'm sorry to hear you are still worrying so much, it will drive you crazy....
I decided in 2011 I can't live my life worrying about what if my "BC RETURNS", its in Gods hands not mine. Some how I need to get on with my life as I knew it before, even tho its different. Like You I do worry but when I do, I try and put it out of my mind or I will be in the "Nut Hut"...
Today was the 1st day since my mom died that I have been in the kitchen cooking and baking all day, my feet are killing me. LOL
I see my surgen in two weeks, I am telling her either she address the pain in my breast that is always there or I am taking it off myself....
Glad you had the MRI, that is what I want...I am 8 months post op and I want to know when I get it, I am told 1 year, seems like a LONG time to me...hummmmmmmmmmmmm
Ok, time to do dishes...:(
Stay warm, very cold here in Chicago
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Julie,
My rad onc said the mammo was kind of a waste of time, because radiation always distorts the results that soon out. She said she will try to get the radiologist to change the recommendation from another mammo in 6 months to an MRI in 6 months. She was not sure the insurance company would pay for it if the radiologist doesn't change the recommendation. I may just take the risk of paying for it myself, just to be on the safe side. That will be one year out for me, also. Apparently, that's NORMAL (like you, I'm starting to hate that word).
Sonia - hey, only 4 1/2 years of insanity for me before I come off the Tamoxifen! Of course by then, I may be in menopause for real, and probably be foggy and moody from that!
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Hi,
Sonia, Julie, & Tracye, congrats on starting the new year with good test results!
Add me to the insane list. Feeling quite robotic lately, reacting with 'whatever' way too much.
Kim, I agree, it is so weird knowing what might kill you, and really hard not to continue to focus on it.
Julie, have fun with your new iPad. I received one too from my boss and it's been great not having to carry around my old laptop which was killing my arm/shoulder (can't wait for Tues when my LE treatments start). I haven't been able to use it to post though. Have you?
Karen, I don't think I can take 4 1/2 more years in the fog of T
. I picked up a new bottle right before xmas, and then couldn't find it after New Years. So they replaced it for me....only to find it right under my nose within the hour of coming home. Feel like my memory and focus have accelerated 20 years! Chicago, so glad you got to the Walnut Room. Nice to keep those traditions going.
Hope you all are doing well and enjoying the weekend. Donna.
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Hi ladies! I cleaned my whole entire house today for the first time in 7 weeks. Feels so good to be able to accomplish something.
Julie, I laughed out loud when you said you were going to take your breast off yourself. Obvioulsy that's not a funny thing, but I totally understand! Every single minute of every day my boob hurts.
Have any of you thought about asking for a PET scan? I know that for early stage BC they don't do them. But I feel like I really need to know if the BEAST is somewhere else. I've even thought about paying for it myself - just to have some peace.
Want to wish everyone a wonderful week. I'm torn up about the shooting in Arizona, especially the beautiful little 9 year old girl. She was born on 9-11-01. There must be some message there....
Big hugs to all! Tracye
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Hi Tracey and Company.
I'm still playing around with the ipad, I'm a PC kind of girl not a MAC so its taking me some time to learn it...LOL When I get home I will log on and see if I can post...
I have had a bone test but not a PET, will have to ask when I see him in Feb. I just saw my MD today who said my breast looks GREAT, but can tell its still swollen and very tender, he is glad I am seeing the surgen next week regarding this.
Like you I want an MRI, not just a plain MAMO, I will have to check that about regarding my insurance company.
Donna, I love my LD treatments, even tho I don't have LD...She is wonderful I still go twice a week but starting next it will be once a week.
I still have not started the "F" Pill, each time I go to take it I put it down, I just hate the SF with them, I just want "Julie" Back, but I know I have to start it. So, I am this Wed.
Ok, back to work I go. Have a wonderful day ladies.
p.s. This weekend I felt like a normal person again regarding my mom and sister, I cook and laughed all day and baked my butt off.
Hugs to all
Julie
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Julie - glad to hear you had a good weekend! Hopefully there are more of them coming for you.
Tracye - I have not asked for a PET scan (yet). I feel a bit like a kid playing my parents off against one another. I talked the surgeon into ordering a bone scan (should have really been the medical oncologist who did that) and just got the radiation oncologist to contact the radiologist to recommend an MRI, not a mammo. I am starting to get to the point that I really DON'T want to know if it is growing elsewhere. I've had some good days, and don't need it ruined by bad news.
I have days in which I am absolutely convinced it has metastasized, and then I'll have days in which I'm equally convinced that this is all over with and I'll be fine. I can't seem to hit the middle ground, though.
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Julie - sounds like your baking day did wonders - wish you could send me a care package. Glad to hear your doc said things look good.
I had my f/u with surgeon today - said "MRI's are 99% accurate - some say 100%". I asked if I could skip the mammo and ultrasound in February - she said no - so the end of Feb more docs, tests and f/u. It seems it will never end.
I'm with you Karen - I told my surgeon I wished I would have had a double mastectomy and she said that I was crazy - there was no reason and I should be relieved given my MRI. I responded with it could come back and of course she couldn't argue with me. No middle ground for me either.
I'm glad to hear your memory is flawed Donna - makes me feel better about forgetting nearly everything.
Tracye - I have not asked for a PET - don't think they would give me one and I'm not sure I would want one - too terrified about what they would find. I think I don't want to know if it's in me. I'm with you though on feeling accomplished after cleaning - I love the feeling of getting rid of things, cleaning things out etc. It's almost like if I'm not using it, I think what am I saving it for and this seems to be the impetus for getting rid of tons of stuff.
Hope all you wonderful women are taking good care of yourselves.
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Bailey-I am going to ask the same this next week when I see the surgern, I would rather have an MRI, but I'm sure I will get the same answer.
I remember asking about the PET scan, they said they usually don't due them with such a small BC, SMALL, I just looked at them and said, SMALL, BIG, does it really matter. So I will address this again next week.
This weekend my goal is to clean out mom's room, I tried last week but could not bring myself to doing it. I already gave all her clothes to the Homeless shelter, but all her nick-nacks I have a hard time with..But its time, it will be 3 months on the 21st.
I have an ultersound of the thyroid on Friday, I have a gottier that they watch, never ends with Dr's. But when I saw my family Dr. they said my breast looking OUTSTANDING, and whatever I did during radiation I did a good job. He did say its still swollen and glad I'm see the surgen next week..Another Dr visit.
Also for taxes, and this will take work but worth it. You can claim all your miliage for all Dr's, hospitals, radiation, etc. I'm up to 1400 miles and not even done. Radiation was 20 miles each way and I had 35... Its worth doing..Might help us...
Ok, snowing here so I have to go and clean off my car and get ready for work...:(
Have a wonderful day ladies.
Julie
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