I Come to the Garden...

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  • MissBianca
    MissBianca Member Posts: 2,193
    edited January 2011

    A picture says a thousand words, Mum. Your share the beauty that catches your eyes, and that brings great comfort to us.

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  • MissBianca
    MissBianca Member Posts: 2,193
    edited January 2011

    Barb, what you wrote, "he is guilty, but he is not to blame"....Yes! That was what I finally came to, and helped me with feelings of peacefulness towards my father. He died when I was 19, and I never really processed everything until tx, with time on my hands to think. I realized that so much of who he was could be traced generationally, and what he suffered as a child. This grew a compassion in me towards him that I never felt before, and it gave me peace. It was a process, though.

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  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited January 2011

    Goodness, I am so far behind here at the garden.

    I was drawn in to check on our Meecie and the MRI story, but now see the announcement of your departed ex-husband, biological father of your sons.

    (((((((((((((Meecie))))))))))))))

    (((((((((((((Meecie))))))))))))))

    (((((((((((((Meecie)))))))))))))))

    This will have to be short, because I'd intended to get ready for our flight tomorrow..... but I have been there/done that/own the t-shirt on a very similar story.

    My first husband, biological father of our daughters was an ordained minister. We were married even before he started the 4 year program at the seminary. Imagine my shock, chagrin and heart-break when things deteriorated shortly after our wedding ceremony.

    To summarize a lengthy decade++: he was immoral & unethical & broke our marriage vows right before my very eyes..... and that's just the tip of the iceburg.

    He was fired from two different churches. In the very end he had a very 'open' relationship with our teen-age babysitter, the president of the large youth group at the church.

    All of this was of soap-operatic proportions. Beyond movie-of-the-week, more like Jerry Springer. It/I/we were the talk of the town. Quite literally.

    In the end I had a brilliant counselor who was of HUGE support.

    That wasn't the end of the story. After I met my current husband and we'd been married for four years, with everything about the girls going well in that adjustment, their father filed for total custody of the two girls. Long story short. I "lost."

    My older DD (mother of our 3 grandkiddos) moved in with him for 3.5 years. To say my heart was broken is an understatement. Shattered.

    [I didn't mean to go on this long........ there's so much more to the story.] He was truly a head-case of horrific craziness, yet still serving a very small country church, preaching "Jesus loves you" from the pulpit and being certifiable for the rest of the week.

    So how do you forgive? Obviously ya never truly forget.

    He died 5 years and two months ago.

    While he was still living and I was medicated, a pastor said the very best thing to me in conversation. She suggested that I pray, "Father, forgive him, for he knows not what he does."

    I figured if the variation was good enough for Christ during crucifixion it was good enough for me. It gave me words to frame forgiveness.

    It would take a book, and there are times I've thought about writing it (it would be a best seller, though no one would EVER believe it could have happened.... especially the part with the courts and the custody battle. I would use a pseudo-name.)

    The long and the short of it...... Meecie, let it out. Let it all out. In bits if necessary. Schedule time to throw glass into a recycling steel truck bed and listen to the sound of the crash -- giving yourself some release with each shatter. Or throw rotten tomatoes. Or drive around the outter belt and screme.

    The hardest part of my journey? The forgiving myself part. I still work on that to this day.

    You can do this, Meecie, because we will all hold you up in prayer.

    Let it go. God is in charge.

    Every summer as I ride my bike route, I pass by 3 country cemetaries and I get such peace knowing that portion of my story is over. One cemetary is perched at the top of the steepest hill I ride and it's a lot of work to get to the top and every time I crest that hill I smile deeply & broadly, because God gave me the grace to live thru all of that nonsense.  

    Hallelujah.

    Claim it, Meecie.

    This week will bring up every emotion that you ever had.

    Feel it and let it go and know that you are genuinely letting it go this time.

    I'm so proud of you.

    xx00xx00xx00xx

    Strength and courage.

    Strength and courage.

    Strength and courage.

    ****I will be missing from the boards this week, so I will just revert to praying the old fashioned way. Please know that I will carry you this week, all week.

    I believe in you. You can do this, Meecie. You can.

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    Thank you so much, Faithie.  The tears just poured out when reading your post.  You had shared some of that with me before, but the true depths of what we went through cannot be explained in words.  Sort of Like BC, explaining how we feel after the fact, to someone who hasn't been there.

    Matt is having real trouble with this.  He has not let it sink in or is trying to be the strong one, but he seems so matter of fact.  He says he doesn't know what he feels.  Thankfully, pastor, will be there on Tuesday I believe and he can comfort Matt.  What an awful thing to be responsible for, to tell your children their father is gone.  My oldest (the one who recieved the worst of Ex's abuse) just lost it when I told him, he couldn't think straight or carry on a conversatio.  After he composed himself he called back and  we talked.  He has forgiven his father but again, he seems so stoic.  Even DS#3 only cried when I held him, and the tears just aren't falling.  He said yes, he's sad, but not as sad as if it were my DH.  He loves DH like a father, and Dh loves him as a son.

    I don't know how to feel, or what the feeling I have is, but I do know that I value each and every one of you.  As Sisters in our Lord, sisters in our common bond, and friends.  Thank you for your comfort.

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    Edited to delete duplicate post.  I don't know how it happened.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited January 2011

    Meece, may I dare to say that what you feel is relief? Please don't be mad at me....but I felt relief when my parents died as I knew they couldn't hurt me anymore....

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    Maybe that is what I feel.  I feel selfish though.  But then again, I had the love and comfort of my children their entire lives.  That's something he couldn't say, and something which is sad that he missed out on.

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  • chabba
    chabba Member Posts: 5,065
    edited January 2011

    Meece, I am at a lose for what to say.  Fathie says it all so well.  My pains and struggles with forgiveness seem trivial compared to what you have been through yet have been very real to me.  Although my situation differs both in kind and intensity, the experience leads me to believe her philosophy and advice are sound.

    You remain in my prayers and myy love goes out to you.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited January 2011

    Meece, you will also feel guilt at your relief.....sigh.

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    I do.  I am hoping this puts and end to the night terrors I experience.  Most likely I will have more this week and they should get better I'd think.

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  • dawney
    dawney Member Posts: 211
    edited January 2011

    Meece - I haven't posted here in a while but have been keeping up.  I will be praying for you and your sons. 

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  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited January 2011

    Just checking in -- before turning in.

    Meecie, while my story has some similarity, my own particular horror story never included guns.

    I did have periodic bruises, though those occasions thankfully were few. The last several months I lived behind a locked door in the guest room. I was juggling fire, as I felt it was my moral obligation to 'report' him, due to the minor involved. Things were fairly dicey for those last months while we were still under the same roof.

    Once I found a condo that I felt I could afford on my own I began to exhale, but it still took two months for them to finish it to my particulars. I literally got the key on my birthday.... the greatest birthday present I've ever received!!!! Moving in that weekend was one huge celebration -- yet simultaneously I was so humiliated.

    The hardest part of his death, was the impact that it had on the girls. They were such a mass of confused emotions. They both instictively grasped that I was not exactly the right person to help them with their many emotions -- which were tangled up in relief & sorrow -- that things would never be sorted out.

    Five years later I know they are still rattled by the murk of it all. Because the girls lived under two different roofs for nearly all of their high school years, there is still a great divide between them.... which is my lasting sorrow.

    Know that with time there is some closure.

    xx00xx00xx00xx

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    I feel like such a fool for staying as long as I did, and today my eldest tried to put the guilt trip on me for making him the product of divorce.  I waited until after he was out of the house a year. 

    Bruises were common and I became the queen of hiding what happened.  Matt and his little brother were in my household except for  visitation of 30 hours every other weekend.  I didn't need them influenced more than they had to be.  He asked the judge to rethink more visitation, and the judge called the boys into his chambers behind closed doors.  I don't know what was said, and never asked, but visitation was never changed or challenged again.

    You can relate to what I am going through with the boys, Faithie.  I think the boys are feeling the same thing.

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  • Eph3_12
    Eph3_12 Member Posts: 4,781
    edited January 2011

    Well, I must say that I have been crying my eyes out!  Life can be soooooo hard; we make choices that we later kick ourselves over & over again for making, but at the time it seemed to be the choice that was necessary.  We feel guilt over so much in life, but it was what it was when it was!

    Breath in deeply & feel the air as it enters you and feel that it is God's grace & mercy rushing in; as you exhale the Spirit remains and the yuck leaves you.  God is good all the time; all the time God is good.

    Faith & Meece, your confessions of life are such sad reminders of what we face in life.  Not all of us have such drama, but I like what Barbe said about relief---own that emotion, I'd say.

    Thank you Lord for the lives you give us.  Help us to live them, each day, as reflections of your love for us.  Your mercies are new each day.  Blessed be Your Name.

     

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  • Eph3_12
    Eph3_12 Member Posts: 4,781
    edited January 2011

    JO-5-love love love the picture of real life!

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  • Valjean
    Valjean Member Posts: 1,898
    edited January 2011

    Meecie ~ Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you & your sons. ((gentle hugs)) ♥

    JO-5 ~ Love the avatar!

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  • 3jaysmom
    3jaysmom Member Posts: 4,266
    edited January 2011
    Karen 4 U sorry about your dad; elated about your soon to be born grandbaby!! Juanita, you're in my thoughts...      3jays
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2011

    Hi ladies - After reading this thread, I find myself having some solitude internally, I too have been through much the same and am not really surprised to read what I've been reading, I guess I chose to hold a lot in, much is coming out NOW many years later, it's my way of releasing a lot of pent up stress, unforgiveness for myself and choices I made and am healing in all realms, thank you all for posting....I just sent my father a 6 page letter telling him ALL I have been through, did it for my sister and mom a while back BUT they STILL didn't get it and now that my mum has passed, I'm still being held accountable for things I had nothing to do with and am many states away....so now I have written my siblings off and am doing what I want to do and for my reasons only without not having to EXPLAIN myself and actions to anyone....very cleansing and content with how I'm feeling now....stay warm everyone....((((hugs))))

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  • 2Hands4me
    2Hands4me Member Posts: 484
    edited January 2011

    Hugs and prayers! God is always with you ~ and even closer now.

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  • MissBianca
    MissBianca Member Posts: 2,193
    edited January 2011

    Isaiah 43:19

    See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

    600_river-in-desert-land

    John 7:38

    Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

    To new beginnings, and new chapters for you, Meece.

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    Eldest son is here and we have worked everything out.  The boys have asked me to go to the service.  The elders of their father's church showed them the slide show of his life.  There were no pictures of them, so they asked me to find some family pics, and his widow agreed to put them in.  I searched, since many had been destroyed (NOT BY ME) and found quite a few pics of him looking fatehrly.  The boys wouldn't let me use those because the said "Maybe it looked like things were alright, but we know what we were feeling there."  I ended up getting their approval to submit 4 photos.

    Plans are set for Hawaii trip.  10 days and counting and I will get to see my baby for the first time in almost 2 years.  Makes me well up to think of it.

    I requested the MRI results this morning and received a request to go back down to get another Mammo and Ultrasound preferably next week.  I have my colonoscopy a week from today, so I don't know how I am going to fit it in before the trip, but would at least like to have the tests completed BEFORE leaving on the trip.

    Thinking of all of my beautiful sisters.  Thank you for your love and support, and inspiration.

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  • 3jaysmom
    3jaysmom Member Posts: 4,266
    edited January 2011

    meece, i had missed alot of the story, so i've gone back, found Faiths' post. i lived thrusimiliar circumstances.. suffice to say.. THAT huusband is still alive, and i've had to pray for him for years.. someone told me in the beginning of that; over 24 yrs ago; vengeance is mine saith the Lord, and i took it to heart. my pastor has had me praying for him, for yrs.. I agree with Faith: he knew not what he did.. he knew; but he had No Idea the heartache he caused my 3 boys.. well, he's gotten frontal lobe dementia; and I am glad that i was ablre to forgive him.. its' a very long story; and i try not to visit it long these days. your post brought it all back to mind..

       my sons' are dealing with mixed emotions, like yours; and he hasn't died.. but he doesn't now them.. he does, however, know me! when my eldest was married, he knew me, and asked why i moved out, he'd been looking for me.. Needless to say, his 2nd wife didn't like that!! Faith is right; it was easier to forgive him, than to forgive myself.. years of faith, and lots of therapy helps..

      my kids probably will have to deal with more, when he does die, but from their reaction now, much like your kids are; they just don't want to pretend he was anything other than he was. seems reasonable to me..

       I hope you all find some peace now. God will be a Father to the fatherless... even though your DH is a father of the best kind, HE will be a father to them, as HE has been all along.. my prayers travel with you, dearheart. I hope the night terrors are buried along with the memories, and him...love a 3jays

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2011

    Meece - prayers and gentle hugs go to you and your children ((((())))))

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    Just got another email from my onc's office.  i need to schedule a mammo, US, dr visit for the same day and be prepared for a Bx.  Can someone ask the elephant on my chest to get off?

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  • mumito
    mumito Member Posts: 4,562
    edited January 2011

    (((Meece))) Hang in there honey

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    My fingernails are getting sore from hanging on so tightly.  But I am not giving up.

    Edited to add:

    My mother just called.  She has developed Gallstones, and will be having surgery soon, but most likely while we are in Hawaii.

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  • Eph3_12
    Eph3_12 Member Posts: 4,781
    edited January 2011

    Hey, That's my elephant!  Come here Dumbo--I have lots of peanuts @ my house.  Dumbo-Meece is the plural of mice & you don't like mice, so get off her & come back to where you belong!

    God, I have no idea how you operate sometimes, but in my humble opinion, Meece has enough on her plate now.  You aren't supposed to give more than we can handle.  Please Father! Some relief is needed for your daughter.  In Your Son's Name, I pray.

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited January 2011

    You know how to make me laugh, Eph, and then I cry.

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  • sheila888
    sheila888 Member Posts: 25,634
    edited January 2011

    Meece....I know too much is happening in your life now.

    I slap the elephant and everything else sitting on your chest.

    You need that vacation Hawaii does wonders for your chest and your nerves......

    Wishing a speedy recovery for Matt in advance.

    One day at a time Meece or in your case 1 hour at a time.

    Thinking Of You as usual and praying all these issues will come to an end soon

    (((HUGS)))♥

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  • MissBianca
    MissBianca Member Posts: 2,193
    edited January 2011

    Dear Lord, please hold up Meece as she faces the days ahead. Give her strength, courage, calm her fears, hold her hand, be everpresent. Let her enjoy Your beautiful nature in Hawaii with a free spirit relieved of worry. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

    ((((((((Meece)))))))))

    How about we throw some peanuts into the neverending forest, so that elephant doesn't visit any of us? I don't want elephants for Eph, either.

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