Starting Chemo in June 2005

oohh how time is dragging now, and I can't believe it I'm "nesting" all over again.

Starting Taxol finally on friday the 25th Nov, and I'm starting to get nervous, oh well,this too shall pass.

For those who are on TimTam's Forum, I've filled in some time with updating my page with lots more "phases"..

Kinda got knocked for six the other day when I learnt that one of the ladies I met at the "look good feel better" day only a few months back had passes away, she was a lung cancer patient, not breast cancer. Its floored me (yet again) though at how quick cancer can take people.

That's two people that I know personally who have passed on since I started chemo back in June, the other was an aunt who in six weeks went from diagnosis to passing.

Perhaps a discussion on "survivors guilt" would be beneficial right now.. who knows.

Take care all of you, so glad you are coming closer and closer to finishing treatment..

best wishes,

Fi

Fi - I'm so sorry about the loss of these ladies. I know it's kind of like a kick in the gut, isn't it? Good luck with Taxol. I'm sure you're going to do great.

My in-laws and parents came over last night to celebrate my end of chemo. We ordered Chinese food and had already brought home yummy cupcakes with pink ribbons from my favorite baker. While every male in the house was off picking up the Chinese, I was hit with a horrible migrain. From out of nowhere! I ended up on drugs, in my bed except for the time I was throwing up everything in my stomach. I actually laughed. Six months of chemo and never once did I throw up. Until last night. And it wasn't even chemo-induced, though I think it may have been exacerbated by chemo. Anyway, how ironic!

Everyone else had a nice party, though. lol. I'm much better today and I've got some Chinese in the fridge with my name on it. Literally!!

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!!

Jen

Thanks for the sympathy ladies!

But I got some great news today that overshadows my disappointment over not gettinch chemo today.

I had my first mammogram and surgeon appt since diagnosis and..................
ALL IS GOOD! I was so dreading this appt that I almost cancelled it yesterday when I got my no chemo news. I'm so glad I went. Now I really have something to be thankful for!

Jen, great pic!

Happy Thanksgiving all~

Watson

Fi, I am so sorry about your losses. I went through something similar when I was just finishing rads. At first, I felt scared to death- why them and not me? And then when I realized they had children and I had none I felt that it SHOULD have been me instead.

There is a dark side to this disease that we don't like to think about and this is part of it. Sometimes people don't do well. Are they like us? Maybe they have the same lifestyle- two kids a house and a golden retriever, but what is inside them, deep inside their cell's DNA really separates us from each other. We cannot compare ourselves to another cancer patient. Just like here- you girls have had some similar experiences with chemo and some totally opposite- and all of your diagnoses have been different.

We must remember that breast cancer is not one disease - it is several. And some people get worse kinds than we do.

Life can seem unfair. Jane doesn't make it and Mary is fine. Mark was late to work that Tuesday and Kevin was sitting at his desk in the World Trade Center at 8:46 AM. Some areas of New Orleans are gone forever and some are opened for business.

On this day of Thanksgiving here in the US, we sometimes have to stop and say to God or our higher power or whatever it is you worship that we cannot begin to understand the reason WHY He chooses to have happen the things He does... but we are thankful he chose to let us live to love again, laugh again, cry again, mourn our friends, play with our kids and live our lives again.

We cannot ever know the WHY. All we can do is see what we have in the NOW. And if we are finishing up one of the most difficult times of our lives, and we are now seeing we are at the other side and on our way back to being US- then we just have to breathe and say thanks.

It hurts to lose people. It is frightening. But it has nothing to do with us. Just because we also had cancer doesn't make us responsible. We all have cars- yet we don't feel responsible for everyone who has a fatal car accident do we?

It is good to feel sad and mourn someone who has left us, we know her better than anyone. I think of the girls that went before us as our very own angels. I like to think of them whispering ideas into the researchers ears bringing them closer to that day when no one is lost again.

You girls have either completed or are just about to complete your battles. My Junesterettes have proven themselves to be a migthy fighting force. I am so proud of each and every one of you. I have NEVER seen the courage, grace, and warmth and genuine caring as you have all shown in my life. I feel so lucky to have been able to hang with you.

I was telling a friend last night in an email that once you are a survivor, every day is Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for all of you, for all of your successes, for becoming victors and for beating back that beast for good.

What's next?

You life is waiting- just like I told you... it is still there but it better be ready for the inner Towanda that is coming back!

Love to you all
and
Happy Thanksgiving!

NOSURRENDER!!!

Prayers are with you Fi.....I am going to try to be more actively supportive to those of you who have "bumps" in the road. Every day I am thankful that I have had it so easy and pray and think of all of you. I am one week out from my last chemo and my mental attitude the last two days has been SO much better than the last month I can't believe it. Take care and have a good weekend.
KimB

You're almost there, Watson!!! In just a couple more days you can say, "NO MORE CHEMO!!!" AND you get your port out soon, too. Lucky you!

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was fine, even if I was a bit tired. Still ate good - though my taste wasn't as sharp as I would have liked. And then slept even better. lol.

I had DH buzz my head yesterday. I've been shedding for three weeks! It's starting to drive me nuts. I wish it would either stop or fall out again completely. It's definitely thinned a lot, but I still have quite a bit.

Now that I'm finished with chemo, we're starting to work on moving. We won't be listing the house until January, but we've had one Realtor out to tell us what we need to do and what we can ask and I've got two more coming out this week. Yikes. I've kept the whole moving thing on the back burner because I just wanted to get through chemo. Now I have to turn up the heat and it's a bit overwhelming.

I'm so looking forward to 2006. And being settled in a house with nothing more to concern myself with than taking care of my family. And maybe seeing if I can actually keep a garden alive. Oh, and getting a new and improved chest (forgot about that one).

I'm just rambling here. I'll stop before I put you all to sleep.

Jen

Ally Sheedy! LMAO!!! Hopefully you didn't do that imitation while the food was on your plate! ) OH! And when I get my new boobs maybe I can do the Molly Ringwold/Breakfast Club/lipstic thing!! That can be my new talent. What a pair we would make.

So how long have you been shedding then? I was surprised at how much hair DH buzzed yesterday. We used the #2 setting on the clippers and there was still a lot of hair. I'm definitely thinned out, though. Oh well. I do know this will eventually pass. Just wish it would hurry up!!

Hey! Doesn't hair grow faster when it's cold? I guess that's a good thing, seeing as how it's winter. Even though Arkansas hasn't quite figured that out, yet. Flamin' 70 degree weather and tornadoes yesterday. How was your weather? I think we got what you started out with.

Jen

YAY WATSON!!!!

I kept checking to see if you got it. And they used your port?? Great! Are you still getting it out tomorrow??

"Chemo sucks nurses". Hm. That's quite a great quote. I'll have to pass it on. LOL!

So glad that's all over for you.

Jen

Watson so happy for you! I go in a week to find out when I get my port out.
We had a great Thanksgiving! I enjoyed seeing #1 son. We miss him so much.
My nails aren't hurting as much, I have been keeping them super dry and trying not to lift anything. They mean it when they say "don't lift!" Ouch!
I am losing hair too. All the hair that stayed around on my arms is jumping ship-now when it is cold and I need it:(
And I find tiny hairs in the tub from my head. I wonder if it has anything to do with me not having hair until I was two when I was baby? My sister was born with more hair than I had (April) then at my birthday I had enough for a ponytail(June) I wonder if I got headaches from hair growing that fast? Hope it starts growing fast now. Still no lashes LOL
Take care
Bev

Jo, I too am achy all over! When I wake up in the morning I dread having to get up because ALL my joints hurt, but especially knees, ankles, feet, and hands. Oh, and hips and back occasionally, shoulders too. I've never heard about this as a side effect, but it started during chemo and has gotten worse with radiation, and the change to cold weather doesn't help, either. I've totally switched from showers to a hot bath every night.

I'm feeling kind of lost since I'm a triple negative, so no more treatment for me. It's kind of scary, to have to be passive in this fight. Has everyone finished chemo, now that Watson is done? I've lost track.......

Good luck to you ladies who have surgeries coming up. Jo, will your daughter be home for the holiday when you have your surgery? If not, she will be home soon after to take care of you.

It's so gray and dark in Cleveland in the winter. Hard to stay positive, especially not going out to a job every day. I need sunshine!!

There you all are! I thought you all dropped off the face of the earth and I felt soooooo alone!
I am finished with chemo too....onc. let me finsh early because the side effects were so bad. I also found out on Monday that I won't need radiation either...yipee!
I had my mast. on the 15th and developed a staph infection, so they had to take one of the implants out.
Gotta run to bed now (anyone else as tired as I am??) I will catch up with the posts tomorrow.
So glad I found all of you!

JoMac-I have aches too. I only get pain in my knee before a big storm and two days before the Thanksgiving snow here I had to take pills-didn't need them the whole time I was on Taxol! I think you were right about the tissues regenerating -It makes sense to me. And your doc! I don't think they know as much as they think. My Dr. Flake doesn't but I feel better about myself after seeing the lady in the wheel chair who was on oxygen being "blown off" by her(in the waiting room). I thought now there is a sick lady and still Dr. Flake isn't taking her problems seriously"
Scout I am so glad you are done:)!!!!
Three weeks out I finally feel almost like my old self. I can go out and do two maybe even three things before I need to rest. It feels great. Glad you don't need rads either. Although it is a gray NE Ohio day I feel suuny with your news.
Take care
Bev

Brenda, I'm a triple neg also! I think Dana is, too. And NoSurrender. Anyone else in this category? Let's plan on getting old together...we can still post from the nursing home, right?

Watson, I loved the "chemo sucks" message! That cracked me up. Congratulations on finishing chemo!!

Scout - sorry that you felt alone - we didn't mean to leave ya! Congratulations on finishing chemo!! I'm sorry to hear about the staph infection. I hope your incision heals well. Get better soon!
*****sending Towanda beams your way*****

Dana, you made me realize how many photos I have that are just collecting dust. I need to start scrapbooking again, now that I can concentrate on projects!

Last week I met the friend of a friend, and my friend had already told this woman about my diagnosis. The FIRST thing this woman says to me is how a young woman she worked with died of BC a year after she finished chemo. OH THANKS, THANKS A LOT! YOU ARE SO FLIPPING HELPFUL...PLEASE BE ON MY SUPPORT TEAM!!

Only 4 rad boosts left! I think I'll do my imitation of Mary Tyler Moore, only instead of a jaunty beret, I'll toss my jaunty wig up in the air!

Have a good weekend, y'all!

I must have been in "la la" land. Until about four weeks ago I was only focused on the stage of my cancer not the type of tumor it was.
I didn't even "get" what triple negative meant. ( I am er/pr+)
I do understand it now.
It makes me realize how different we are and yet are still under the same umbrella.
I only come to this one safe place on the board these days. Then I scoot away to a fun site like televisionwithoutpity.
I guess I feel the need to connect and not feel completely isolated...then skitter off like a cockroach when the light comes on.
I will have to learn to live with the aches and pains and take lots of advill.
As far as hearing about other people dying of this disease ...nosurrender's analogy is working for me. She said up thread
" We all have cars yet we don't feel responsible for everyone who has a fatal car accident do we? "

That really made sense to me.
These days I am trying to take lots of deep cleansing breaths. Then get really really busy on some task that involves thinking.
Maybe I could take up juggling.