5 years ago today....

I was told I have Breast Cancer. I have not posted here in ages but I've been checking in every once in a while. When I was diagnosed, I got tremendous amount of support from people on this board, and I'm forever thankful... I am back here today, feeling stronger than ever, to share my journey in hope to encourage and give hope to someone out there.

 I noticed lump in my breast long long before I was diagnosed, maybe as long as 2,3 years. I was ignoring it, thinking I am too young to get cancer, I do not have a family history, etc...(how ignorant I was...) So by the time I decided to go see a doctor and got diagnosed, my tumor was very big and I was told I am Stage 3.

I am not going to go into how my treatments went in detail because we all share similar experiences. But I 'll say this. Sudden changes in my physical capacities due to side effects of chemo and Tamoxifen took a heavy toll on me mentally as well.   Something died inside of me.    I was no longer positive, happy, enthusiastic self. Constantly worrying about when the other shoe would drop so to speak. 

Simple thing like renewing passport is not simple any longer. Do you get 10 year passport or 5 year passport? Question is Am I going to be alive 10 years from now? or 5 years from now? for that matter. I never thought I would be asking that kind of question in my 30s.

Just as I think I'm getting stronger mentally, something else happen and pull me down over and over. I became cynical and pessimist. I carry out my day to day duties pretending nothing is wrong, suppressing my feelings, putting a fake smile... And I stopped caring. And my not caring days continued on and on.Like I said, something died inside of me...

Last year I had another scare that shook me up. Fortunately, they were false alarm but I really was preparing for the worst, thinking about what I want to do before I become incapable of...etc  That's when I thought of Chicago (the band).  I love music and there's many bands I like. But Chicago always has a special place in my heart. When I moved here 18 years ago, it was their music that put smile on my face when I felt homesick.  When I was sick from chemo, that's what I listened and cried. The last time I saw them live was 20 years ago and I knew it was about time I get up on my butt and go see them. March 24 2010. I'll never forget that night...My first Chicago concert in 20 years... Something changed that night. Something in me that died long time ago came back alive.   It was a very magical moment for me.   Chicago, once again, touched my heart and I came out of the concert a different person with renewed hope and courage to go on.  That night was a true turning point for me.

Different things, people etc, touch us in a different ways. For me, it was their music that had woke me up and kicked me in my butt, and put me in the right direction. I'm especially grateful to Jason Scheff, singer/bass player.  It was him who inspired me to turn my life around for the better. I was in a bad shape. I was carrying around 25 extra lbs I gained during chemo and Tamoxifen. I re-picked up nasty habit of smoking (please do not tell my doctor.lol I kept it a secret)...I was losing my voice, my lung and heart capacities were deteriorating due to smoking and lack of exercise.   I wanted to put an end to such a life style and reached out to Jason for support.  He had motivated me, encouraged me, and made sure I stay the course. I'm thankful he is in my life.

Fast forward.... Since May 2010, I lost 10 lbs,  found exercise/nutritional program I enjoy and can stick with, my voice is coming back (I can Karaoke again! lol). My energy level is up, and some days I'm unstoppable. As I get stronger physically, I'm getting stronger mentally as well.  I'm happier, and once again being able to stay positive, experiencing the inner peace...

Some people are stronger and more courageous than me, fighting this disease head on.  I let it pull me down and control my life for a long time.  But enough is enough.  I celebrate this day with these words, "I am Back!"   I do not know what the future hold. But it's ok because I'm here now. Cherishing the moment....

Reach out when you need support. Don't keep it all inside. It's ok to cry. It's ok to make mistakes. If you make mistakes, fall off the wagon, just pick yourself up and jump right back in. 

Because life is good.....