5 years ago today....

miki

I was told I have Breast Cancer. I have not posted here in ages but I've been checking in every once in a while. When I was diagnosed, I got tremendous amount of support from people on this board, and I'm forever thankful... I am back here today, feeling stronger than ever, to share my journey in hope to encourage and give hope to someone out there.

 I noticed lump in my breast long long before I was diagnosed, maybe as long as 2,3 years. I was ignoring it, thinking I am too young to get cancer, I do not have a family history, etc...(how ignorant I was...) So by the time I decided to go see a doctor and got diagnosed, my tumor was very big and I was told I am Stage 3.

I am not going to go into how my treatments went in detail because we all share similar experiences. But I 'll say this. Sudden changes in my physical capacities due to side effects of chemo and Tamoxifen took a heavy toll on me mentally as well.   Something died inside of me.    I was no longer positive, happy, enthusiastic self. Constantly worrying about when the other shoe would drop so to speak. 

Simple thing like renewing passport is not simple any longer. Do you get 10 year passport or 5 year passport? Question is Am I going to be alive 10 years from now? or 5 years from now? for that matter. I never thought I would be asking that kind of question in my 30s.

Just as I think I'm getting stronger mentally, something else happen and pull me down over and over. I became cynical and pessimist. I carry out my day to day duties pretending nothing is wrong, suppressing my feelings, putting a fake smile... And I stopped caring. And my not caring days continued on and on.Like I said, something died inside of me...

Last year I had another scare that shook me up. Fortunately, they were false alarm but I really was preparing for the worst, thinking about what I want to do before I become incapable of...etc  That's when I thought of Chicago (the band).  I love music and there's many bands I like. But Chicago always has a special place in my heart. When I moved here 18 years ago, it was their music that put smile on my face when I felt homesick.  When I was sick from chemo, that's what I listened and cried. The last time I saw them live was 20 years ago and I knew it was about time I get up on my butt and go see them. March 24 2010. I'll never forget that night...My first Chicago concert in 20 years... Something changed that night. Something in me that died long time ago came back alive.   It was a very magical moment for me.   Chicago, once again, touched my heart and I came out of the concert a different person with renewed hope and courage to go on.  That night was a true turning point for me.

Different things, people etc, touch us in a different ways. For me, it was their music that had woke me up and kicked me in my butt, and put me in the right direction. I'm especially grateful to Jason Scheff, singer/bass player.  It was him who inspired me to turn my life around for the better. I was in a bad shape. I was carrying around 25 extra lbs I gained during chemo and Tamoxifen. I re-picked up nasty habit of smoking (please do not tell my doctor.lol I kept it a secret)...I was losing my voice, my lung and heart capacities were deteriorating due to smoking and lack of exercise.   I wanted to put an end to such a life style and reached out to Jason for support.  He had motivated me, encouraged me, and made sure I stay the course. I'm thankful he is in my life.

Fast forward.... Since May 2010, I lost 10 lbs,  found exercise/nutritional program I enjoy and can stick with, my voice is coming back (I can Karaoke again! lol). My energy level is up, and some days I'm unstoppable. As I get stronger physically, I'm getting stronger mentally as well.  I'm happier, and once again being able to stay positive, experiencing the inner peace...

Some people are stronger and more courageous than me, fighting this disease head on.  I let it pull me down and control my life for a long time.  But enough is enough.  I celebrate this day with these words, "I am Back!"   I do not know what the future hold. But it's ok because I'm here now. Cherishing the moment....

Reach out when you need support. Don't keep it all inside. It's ok to cry. It's ok to make mistakes. If you make mistakes, fall off the wagon, just pick yourself up and jump right back in. 

Because life is good.....

BMac

You go girl.  What an inspiring story.  I'm so glad you found what you needed to pull you back to enjoying life and taking control of your life.  It's amazing how music can really touch our soul.

 I've had cancer twice (ovarian in '02 and bc in '07) and I described the aftermath the first time around as being like post traumatic stress disorder and now the experts are saying the same thing.  We've had to face our own mortality and it's scary.

I certainly still have my ups and downs, I won't lie but hope with each passing year I'm getting stronger and more positive.

Wonderland

I was singing "Feelin' Stronger Every Day" half way through your post! So glad your life has turned around for you. Music touches our souls. Life IS Good.

Wonderland

Annie62

Miki,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. And congratulations on reaching the 5 yr mark! Please don't forget to post to the thread up top for Stage III ladies 5 yrs and out.

I wish you the best,

Annie

Alyson

Miki, what a wonderful story.  I really know where you are coming from and kept nodding my head while I was reading.

Thank you and hope to see you post in another five years.

Lowrider54

Thanks for sharing your story!  You keep going girl!

lexi4

Congratulations Miki on your 5 year milestone and your new outlook on life. I am so happy that you feel well and living your life. You are an inspiration!

Hugs,

Lexi

lkc

welcome to the 5 ers Club Miki!! I am so happy to hear you have turned a corner and are now happy and well.

Thanks for coming back and sharing.

God Bless!

Gitane

Not everybody shares it, but for many of us it's very hard.  I appreciate your honesty and willingness to let us know your story.  It's good to hear that your life is getting better now.  Congratulations on your 5 year milestone, may you have a long, happy life.  

LRM216

What a wonderful post!  I wish you at least 50 more years full of nothing but magic and music and continued good health.

karen1956

Congrats on 5 years!!!!

Hattie

hello again miki!  i remember you and your kitties and going to see the beauty and the breast play with you in SF.  glad you have found your way again.  not easy but why else do we do what we have to, except to live?  so happy to hear from you.  life is hard, but beautiful.  i have done some dumb health things too--sort of survivors guilt maybe--but also have had some amazing experiences in the past five years.  so so happy to hear from you!

--take care,

--Hattie 

Anonymous

Miki, Thank your for sharing this experience with us.  I just kept relating to everything you were saying.  Kind of how I've been since my diagnosis and treatment in 2009.  Every day is numb for me, with no feeling, because I too feel almost like something died inside me.  But you give us hope and thank you for that.  It's true, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But if anything can bring out those good feelings it's Chicago happy music.  So many of their songs were popular when DH and I were first married.  Congrats on 5 year milestone, and may you continue to be blessed with many more.

Barb

miki

Wow... Thank you all for reading my story. It's very comforting to know that there is a place where we can come  and identify with each other....

BMac(Barbara)...You had to deal with this beast twice... Hugs to you. Have faith, have strength, have courage...

Wonderland..."Feeling stronger..." Yeah! That's my theme song! I always listen to that when I go                         for a walk.

Annie62...Thank you for reminding me. I'll post on that thread. Congrats to you, too!

SherriG...I remember you from back in days...You truly are an inspiration. Thank you for being here and supporting all of us!

Alyson...Yes! You'll see my post in another 5 years! 

Lowrider54...Big hugs to you! Let's keep going together! 

lexi4 and lkc(Linda)...Congrats on your 5 year as well!

Gitane...Love your pic!

LRM216 and Karen1956...Thank you!

Hattie....Hattie!!!! I was just wondering how you are doing the other day. It's so good to be back and good to see you here! How's your family? I now have 5 feline kids running around here and I have my hands full!

Shanagirl...People around us expect us to be strong... and I know we have to be strong. So we put our brave front and keep going. But sometimes we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and release some of  those feelings we have hidden deep inside of us... Take time for yourself and take care. Hugs.

Bugs

miki...Congrats on the 5 year!  Fantastic news!

diana50

great story..thanks for coming back and sharing your story. awesome.

 congrats on the 5 year mark. it is a biggie*

LindaLou53

Miki... what a wonderful post!  You have given me a big smile and a lot of joy today, knowing you have rounded that corner and are finding your way back to a life with hope!  Thank you so much for encouraging others who are going through the hard times right now.  We may take different paths but the experiences and feelings are universal in so many ways.

Congrats on your 5 years and here's to many, many more!!  

LindaLou

AnacortesGirl

Thank you for coming back and congratulations on the 5 year mark!  I need these stories right now.  I'm working through that transition from active treatment to getting my life back.  I'm so ready for it NOW.  But I need to have paitence so I don't set myself up for a fall.  Reminders that good times are ahead are what I need.

maryannecb

Welcome to the 5 year mark and am happy to hear you have a new groove.