I am so confused

Yes,  all those feelings are normal.  I don't know that I have any advise on how to handle them.  It's something that has to be taken day to day.  Active treatment is a security blanket of sorts.  Once that's over we have to rely on the fact that we've done everything we can.  It's hard and needs to be taken one day at a time.

It will get better.  One day, you'll wake up and realize that "hey, I feel GOOD and I'm not dwelling so much on recurrance".  It WILL happen, Pure.  For now, live in the day and try to change that recurrence train of thought when it happens.

Jen, it's too bad those doctors should be more careful with what they say.  They don't know how much we read into those words!  First, they are not your Maker.  They do not know how much time you have, nor do you.  Remember the bus that can run us all over at any time.

 You could outlive your doctor.  I am sorry about your neighbor but we are all different.  There is no outcome that is stamped in stone.  There are so many stories here of people who were told otherwise and they are still kicking.  Take your time to close your eyes and breathe in the life that you have and let go of the desperate wanting to know about tomorrow.  I remember a story of a woman who fretted for 9 years about reoccurance, and when she did have a reoccurance she regretted all the worry in those 9 years.  Just live!

Pure-

I could have written your post also.  I was terrified at the conclusion of treatment.  People would think it was over but in my head it felt like it was just beginning.  When the person who helped me through my treatment recurred it pushed me into counseling.  She died not long after and was initially stage IIa.  I know how you feel.  It freaked me out more than I can express.    It is so good that you are already hooked up with a counselor. 

Your husband is right-try not to read into what the doc. says or does.  BTW- I still do that so I really should not be giving you advice. lol.

Bugs is right.  One day you will wake up and get through part of the day hardly thinking of bc.  I still think about it every day but not in the "obsessive, terrified, certain that I would be taken out by it " way that I used to.  I really think for many of us the physical aspects are nothing compared to the psychological part. 

I know that thinking about the what ifs has never helped me deal better, really just the opposite.  In a strange way, when I see that someone has had a recurrence who was an earlier stage than me, it evens the playing field, so to speak.  It sort of illustrates the feeling of it being a crap shoot that we don't really have much control over.  Once I acknowledged that I was not REALLY in control I was able to deal a little better with my fear.  My doctor once told me that he has lots of stage III patients that he has been seeing for years who are fine and he also has stage I and II patients who have died of bc. 

Hang in there, keep talking to the counselor and know that it DOES get better.  Does it suck?  YES!  But it does get better.

Take comfort in the knowledge that you are doing everything you can treatment wise. The rest is a crap shoot like others have said. I too am stage 3 and have been where you are and go there now and again almost a year from diagnosis. I think you live like you are going to live -  until the late stages of stage 4...at least that is how I hope to approach it!!! From following the posts of stage 4 ladies, it seems that many of them live with treatment and some quality of life and they seem to make decisions to live for today at some point, and I hope that if I go to stage 4, that I will find the peace and courage to do what so many of these women do. I think freaking out about it is all part of getting through it. We imagine and fear and essentially put ourselves there in our mind...and that is preparation for what we may face someday. Allow yourself to feel and expect good days and bad days and keep perspective....I think what helps me most is the thought that if and when I go to stage 4 I will be pissed that I wasted this time worrying about what is essentially out of my control.... 

Pure, I too could have written your post.  I finished rads at the end of October and I still have those moments - you know, the paralizing fear when we look into our DH's and kids' eyes and wonder whether we'll be around for them, the anger we feel about getting the disease and about others who are suffering, the confusion over how to live our lives moving forward, the unfairness of it all.  As others above have said, I think those moments will always be there.  We have to let ourselves have them (I think they are a natural part of healing) while at the same time controling what they do to our well being on a daily basis. 

I had one of those days not too long ago.  I was at work but couldn't concentrate.  I was angry and depressed looking around my office and my work and thinking why this disease had to come my way.  When I went down to the cafeteria for lunch, I bumped into a colleague I used to work with in a project together.  It was great seeing him, but being in the cafeteria and feeling like the odd one with cancer when everyone else around me seemed so happy and healthy brought up some tears in my eyes when he asked me how I was doing.  I told him that I was trying to figure out how to live my life going forward - do I live every day as if it's my last or do I live life assuming I will be here for a long time.  His response was "I feel the same way.  Let me know if you figure it out!" So when you posted this today I felt I had to respond to at least show you that others have the same feelings that you're having. 

I've been thinking about this question for a while now, and although I don't have the answer, I think we have to do a combination of both.  We have to "seize the day" (remember that movie with Robin Williams, Ben Afflect and Matt Damon - "Dead Poets Society" - Carpe Diem) as much as we can.  We have to continue making plans.  We have to be strong for our DHs and kids.  If anything, we have to show them our legacy so if something were to happen to us they will remember us as the loving, strong mothers that do not give up when presented with a huge adversity such as cancer.

But more than anything, we have to have hope and faith that transcends us.  Reading the 80-year-old post the other day gave me such strength that I've been coming back to it often.  When you get down, try to think and read about the positive stories and visualize yourself there.  There's still a lot to be learned about this disease, and the more time we make it disease-free, the better chances we have of being cured or of taking advantage of the latest treatments that are coming our way.

Sending you much love,

Marcia (bejuce)

been thinking about you all day.  i remember the feelings and the constant thoughts of what was going to happen and how can i deal with this.  i know you get sick of hearing'''"this is normal...blah blah balh"  ok, so we all can relate to where you are ....but this is YOUR individual feeling about what is going on.

 i really want to help you and others feeling the same way; recently diagnosed and recently finishing up treatment.  so,.....i will try to give you something that may help....may not.  i don't know.

 you want to know "the truth"  "answers" NOW...and there just aren't any.  You want to be one step ahead of cancer...you want to beable to plan ahead to make good decisions along the way for your loved ones.  the truth is Jenn, you can't.  you can never plan ahead until you are already there.  i really get your need to "know" but you can;'t know until you are there.  there is a point where you will have to give up trying to be in control of this.  it is different for all of us.  i remember trying so hard to know that "they missed the cancer:" when it never really exisited.  i was trying to be in control...so i can deal with it...treat it...and not have it totally surprise me. 

my friends have died from breast cancer.  many of my friends are still surviving and doing well.  maybe you should just accept where you are...and the anxiety and fear will bring you to a place of peace on some level.  maybe not try to "change how you feel" and just know that where you are is where you are and it is ok.  part of the trip may be the fear and anxiety.  i was a mess for a long time; trying to control the whole experience. i finally gave it up; i knew i had gotten great treatment...and needed to just be with my body and try to recover,. i don;t know any answers...but know that where you are is where you are and that is the truth.

we are here for you. hang in there. you will move through this although at times it feels pretty ugly. it isn't, it is just what it is...dealing with cancer.

Peace

diana

Such good advice here, and Diana, it's so true what you say.  Just be with your body.  I know.  But I find myself alot like Jen, and I can go along and just be and keep the cancer in the back of my mind and work out, be with my family, go thru my everyday routine, and then all of a sudden, wham, Confusion, Insecurity, Fear, Anger, Depression,  It all just floods in on day and that is my day.  Today is one of those days.  I read something here on the Active Topics forum and all of a sudden my deepest fear was realized right there. What this women is going thru.  I always worry about it happening to me.  My ER+ PR+ diagnosis suddenly becoming TR -.  The fear of my diagnosis totally changing or morphing into something else.  So Jen, I'm going thru one of those I am so confused days today.

 Barb

Hi Jen,

I just finished chemo and feel EXACTLY how you do.  Although I am glad to stop putting that poison in my body I feel like my "security blanket" (as someone earlier said) is being taken away.  I know I still have radiation and hormonal therapy ahead, but I too am scared.  And it's been worse lately as this last round of Taxol had lingered longer and I am just not feeling good.  PLUS almost all my eyebrows are gone, and I have very skimpy eyelashes left.  I feel like I'm fading away.  And did I mention (sarcasm here as I've mentioned it numerous times before) I hate, hate, HATE being bald???  I look soo old---I have wrinkles on each side of my mouth on my chin I never had before all this.  And I have that high lymph count too.  GGRRR, I hate this.  

I think in our position we have every right to feel the way we do, and hopefully with time we will learn to live at peace with whatever it is..............

Take care,

Sharon 

Jen....I haven't read the other posts....but I would say life life to the fullest.....live for today, but plan for the future......Hugs, Karen