Starting Chemo May 2008

Today I recieved a beautiful, fragrant flower arrangement - roses, lilies, carnations. What a great way to celebrate 2 weeks post op. Thank you Julie.

My pattern seems to be one iffy day followed by a good day, and each good day is better than the one preceding it. The landscape of my restored body seems to be a little different daily, as well. The new breast is an interesting shade of green, drain site just stopped oozing, incision healing well. The transplanted tissue is firm and feels a little heavy. That worries me but I have to remind myself of the progression I was to expect told to us by my PS last week. My is getting softer each day, and the tenderness more tolerable, the swelling there is gradually receding showing love handles on the sides that will need lipo eventually (I have lost 5 lbs from my presurgical weight, and if I lose another 5 the handles will be smaller yet). The two belly drains will be removed tomorrow - not a moment too soon, either. yesterday one of them was causing such discomfort I was ready for DH to snip the suture causing be pain, instead he propped up the offending drain and defused the situation.

The above mentioned flowers were delivered just after I had stepped into the shower. My barking doorbells alerted me to a presence at the door. well, on the best of days I don't get out of the shower for anyone, and I certainly didn't today (besides, if I'd have rushed I would have frightened the poor deliver person, looking like a borg (from star trek) with the incisions, bruises and drains. So, 1/2 hour later after getting dried and dressed I was thrilled to find the arrangement nestled safely on the back stoop!

Blessings and love to each of you!

Glad to hear everyone is slowly but surely healing...

Eddie - Thanks for posting the link - what a lovely slideshow and what pure JOY! 

I'm needing a bit of help again.  My friend who was just diagnosed a few weeks ago was told she will be having chemo first, in part because her oncologist did not want to wait for the surgery and healing time.  So much so that she will not have time to have her eggs harvested (she's only 32) before chemo starts.  As my own cancerversary is speeding towards me, I find that her situation is hitting me harder each time with many reactions, not the least of which is anger at this fecking disease!  Even as I write this, I'm stuck at every sentence because I can't find all of the words I want/need to say.  I'm disenheartened and angry and just depressed.  I want to run away; I want to smack something very hard with a large shovel.  None of which I feel like I can share with her because I also know that when you're in that place, you don't need to deal with everyone else's shite.  So I'm bringing it here instead so that when I have that conversation with about chemo in the next few days, I won't be a raving maniac. 

Okay, I think I wound down now...thanks for letting me ramble and for listening.

Rock..the mush-for-brains freight train hit me TODAY. How freaky is that? I'm wondering if this PTSD shite has a simple tick-a-box somewhere, so we could see if this normal? I'm getting jumpy (punch-drunk!) about getting my financial house in order..anyone else feeling this kind of pressure?? I tell ya, if I start spending inordinate amounts of time on will-writing..I'M the one who will need some shovel-therapy from y'all!! I haven't had a femara tablet for about 5 weeks. I believe I have parted company with it. I really just said 'Feck you!!' to the pain, tiredness, toxicity, and being held hostage. I am surprised by how much better I feel and how I feel much LESS of a prisoner I feel! Maybe it's because this week I've been a complete space-cadet! Love y'all xxx

Boy am I relieved that I am not the only one having dead brain cells right now. I flipped on the twilight movie the other day. And could not remember seeing the movie at all, which I know I have cause I own it and have read it twice. It was like watching the movie for the first time. I'll be glad when the cells decide to come back from their vacation.

Took my last antibiotic this morning wooooohooooo! 13 days on the darn things. urk! Hopefully tomorrow I get these other 2 drains out. If not, I may have to change my name to drippy. Oh and on the lighter side of life...... the donkey has made it to the bottom of the canyon....finally. :OP

Oh, Cris, I soooo know what you're saying. 

I knew what to say to people who'd been dx'd -- I felt it, actually -- when I was closer to my own dx and tx.  Now that I'm 2 yrs out from "that call", I'm finding it much more difficult.  Even your own post brought back such a rush of emotions.  It's like I'm trying to push the memories away, block them out.... I think my mind has built a wall without my permission, and is maintaining it constantly.  I don't even realize that's happening until something comes along and knocks a few bricks from the wall, and I get a quick look at the monsters on the other side.

I've reached peace with that flat scar on the left side of my chest, and with my new, short hairstyle.  I don't even complain very often about the aches and the soreness Arimidex is giving me. Better that, I think, than dealing with the anger and regret of a recurrence if I quit blocking the estrogen synthesis.

But, it seems I'm just waiting for something else to happen.  I know it will happen, ... even as my mind, behind its wall, denies that a recurrence is even possible.

BTW, my protective wall isn't working very well for non-BC things.  We're staying at my MIL's apt, while she's recuperating from surgery.  She had to trade in her worn-out prosthetic hip joint for a new one.  She looked terrific when they brought her to her room after the surgery, and I was really optimistic. But since then, she's been having a hard time:  poor appetite, refusal to drink enough liquids, pain on the surgery side, pain on the other side (which also is a worn-out prosthesis), mental confusion ("What surgery?  I didn't have surgery!  Where am I?") ...

She is supposed to be discharged from the hospital at noon tomorrow (a good thing), but that's only happening because dh and I will be staying with her for at least another 2 or 3 weeks.  Otherwise, she would be going to a rehab/nursing center ... She still needs lots of help, with sitting up in bed and sliding her legs to the floor, and standing and walking (even with her walker), and sitting down on the commode and, well, everything.  Oh, and there's a terrible ice storm headed this way, that will arrive tomorrow morning.  I am thinking maybe a rehab center would make more sense, but dh really wants her to come home.

And in the middle of all that, my mom announced that she thinks she'll have to put Dad "on a list" for a nursing home. She listed a bunch of things that have gotten worse with him since we were there at Christmas.  I am trying really hard not to be angry, because I know -- I really do -- how hard this is on her, and how scared she is (thanks for saying that, rock). 

Dad's doctor had prescribed Namenda for him last year, since it's for "moderate to severe" Alzheimer's Disease and that's where Dad is right now.  (The Aricept he's been on doesn't work so well for mid- to late-stage AD.)  But, after a few months, Mom decided to take Dad off the Namenda -- she declined to refill his prescription after it ran out.  I found out when we were visiting them last fall.  When I asked her why, she said because "it wasn't doing him any good."  I asked her what she meant, and she said it "wouldn't bring him back" to where he used to be.  He "wouldn't get any better."  She and I talked about that, and about the value of slowing the progression of the disease and giving him -- giving all of us -- more months, maybe more years, with Dad still able to enjoy things and recognize family members.  She agreed to refill the prescription and start him back on it; and I assumed she had.

But when I asked her about the Namenda this week, she said he was not taking it.  She said she had let the prescription lapse, "... because it wasn't doing him any good."  (Same argument as before.)  There was no point reminding her of our discussion and her agreement, because she would just say I was making it all up and deny that we'd ever talked about it.  <sigh>

I'm putting another brick in that wall.

otter 

Thank you all for your support - again, I knew I would find it here. 

What I had trouble getting out the other night is that I am truly afraid for her.  I don't think her onc is crack-pot.  Actually, quite the opposite.  What frightened me so much (for her and me) is that they want to start chemo NOW and do surgery later.  She is HER2+ and the tumor is large.  I don't know if they have staged her yet.  What she communicated to me in the few minutes we had was, it was felt like there was no time to do any surgery first - the tumor is big and getting bigger and waiting for her to heal from surgery might take to long.  Truthfully, I inferred a lot of that from what she did say ("They said there isn't time and if I'm BRCA 1 or 2 positive, they want to take everything out anyway").  All of those pieces to me add up to not good.  And I just can't shake that feeling - a feeling that has now been echoed by a couple of other people.  I hope that I'm wrong - I desperately hope that.  The PET scan will tell us more.  On a lighter note, she thoroughly enjoyed the "Cancer Sucks" button I brought her today.

By the way, sometimes I feel as if I could be the poster child for chemo-brain!  Word-finding has become my nemesis, which is very annoying when you're trying to be the authoritative parent and it comes out as "Put that thing down and go do that other thing I've told you to do 18 times!"  Somehow, it loses it's punch. 

I want to say more, but it's midnight now and I am a single parent for the next few days as dh went to Southern Cal to help his sister move.  The alarm goes off veeeeeeerrryy early...so I'll just say thanks again.

Rock - Thanks for the offer and I will mention it to her next week.

Again, I was going to write more, but I just took some ibuprofen and started to put the bottle away in the fridge.  I don't think going to bed after midnight agreed with me, so I'll try again when I'm more coherent...

Big, squeezy hugs back to you and Cris.  There just anything good to say so I will be quiet, but will be thinking loud thoughts.

Love you all - Julie

*sigh* Ladies I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better and to give you mental rest that you need right now. How about a big ole squish and a sloppy slobber instead, and know that I cherish each of ya'll dearly. :O)

Sigh. Hugs. So sorry for your friend, Cris. Sorry for those dealing with aging parents. I took my mom out to see "Precious" tonight. She's on a walker and has a hard time moving, but she has great long term health insurance which allows her to have a companion/caretaker a few hours a day. Then, she lives in a great place where they serve a fine dinner 25 evenings a month. Otter, hang in there and I echo what Kerry says...take care of yourself. I will be 49 next week and where I really wanted to celebrate 48 after cancer diagnosis, I just want 49 ot be mellow. I am going to be without my family -- I'll be in San Diego for business but one of my best friends, Bruce, is coming down to hang that night. Plus, I'll have my business buddies. I love you women....you know that? Hugs to all -- especially to Rock's 12th floor neighbor.

Here's my mush-for-brains moment.  We were shopping at Michael's Saturday and I saw the clerk putting merchandise out in the bead section. The girls needed Model Magic so I thought I would save time and just ask where it was located.  The clerk wasn't a clerk, but another shopper and said she didn't work there. Oops - mush-for-brains!  Katie was mortified and practically ran away.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the gyn.  Shouldn't be bad, but . . .  you never know.  You are all invited to come along - as long as you are quiet!

I need some advice.  What is the best way to tell my SIL that the comments she is putting on FB about my parents visiting is offensive?  I'm trying to set a good example for my girls.  If you can't say something nice  . . . send an email!  I'm almost ready to do that.

Hugs to all of you - Julie

Julie:  How about a short message saying "Hello, etc. I know that my parents can be difficult, but some of your remarks about my parents visiting hurt my feelings.  I'd like to stay in touch and FB is a greata way to do this, but maybe you could refrain from some of the comments or adjust the FB settings so that I don't see them.  Thanks for understanding!  Best blah blah."

 Does that work? or is it too mealy mouthed?  Hope your visit to the gyn is boring as h*ll.

My mush brain moment:  I called the credit card company and asked them to explain why my annual membership fee only covered 11 months rather than 12 months.  They gently pointed out that the period covered ("Jan 10 to December 10") referred to the YEAR 2010, not the 10th day of the month.  Heh.

Otter -- keep trying. I think you will find a sympathetic agent who will change it for free, or for a $100 change of ticket fee.

Kristy -- oooh, i do hope it is good-reorganised! I do! Let us know in any case!

Quietly reading daily and sending hugs to those on the mend, those recently diagnosed (but thankful they have friends like Cris & Rock) and those caring for aging parents.  Otter, you have been dealing with so much and as mentioned above, I am hopeful that you are taking time for you - to release some stress. 

Regarding the "mush" comments . . . I laughed out loud and thought of you all last Saturday as I stood in the freezer section of the grocery store wondering what in the hell I was looking. 

Just finished my 3rd acupuncture tx this evening for my foot.  It feels a bit better, hoping that this will allow me to start running again.  Saw the doc last week for the anal fissures . . .  that simply will not go away.  I did not think I was a modest patient any longer . . . but I also had no idea that they had exam tables that lifted & tilted - to get a good view to the canyon (as Jen would say).  I get 8 more weeks to try to get this resolved or I am in for surgery.  So I will be soaking in the tub for the next two months!

Lots of love to all!

Jean

Jeano, we visual-types can probably do without the crystal-clear, hyer-colour picture we got of you..upside down, undie-less and having the fissures thoroughly examined. Who the feck would specialize in a$$ problems ROFL???? Anyway, I've been there done that and it NOT a laughing matter. My hub had a reasonably serious recurring problem before I met him and then early in the relationship had to have the surgery. It was a whole new world to me...especially as the 'new girlfriend'. I wondered what on earth I had taken on. Funniest thing was the sanitary napkins he had to wear..there was the proctologist ( lets get rid of the pink crap in October and have 'Proctober' instead to raise awareness of a$$ problems hahahhah) calmly explaining to a 6' 3" 18 stone very hairy manly man how to wear the pad. I had to pretend to go to the loo. My unexpressed mirth threatened to blow me up! We found the unused part-packet when we moved house. Boy did I have some fun with that!!  dsub, I'm beginning to think this is what people refer to as the 'new normal'. Well, I don't care for it. I had a meltdown last night and got a few things off my reconstructed chest. It was lucky the 17 yo wasn't home or I may have damaged our relationship irreparably.I'm over his complaining and aggression. This is the cycle: nuclear hot flashes - sleep deprivation - exhaustion -mega anxiety - depression - lack of restraint- meltdown - diatribeI went to the doc today and got some stomach stuff and some sleeping tablets. He was great (he diagnosed his own wife with BC) and told me I should take whatever I knew worked. It was such a relief. I think about y'all all the time. The weather here is mild and thunderstormy. Awesome. I've just set up the back verandah so y'all can join me to watch the lightning. xxx