Dating After Recostruction (and CANCER!)

hi everyone  i havent been on in awhile  i got consumed with work and finding another job after being laid off  ... but i am back and missed everyone  HI Marin XO

i met a great man after i finished my chemo  and reconstruction  he didnt care about any of it and we had a great 2 years together   i began to feel that something was missing and i ended the relationship 5 months ago  i started to do the online dating again and have gone out but not met anyone i felt interested in   ... and have not been intimate with anyone since the breakup   I guess as much as I wish i could say it dosent matter  I still find myself not as confident as i did before bc   BUt i know there are guys out there for us and I am going to find myself another one

keep the faith  it will happen for you

julia

wow kristi  i really am trying to remember when i brought it up- first date said nothing,  on the advice from a close guy friend on the 2nd date i said nothing... then 3rd date realized we knew alot of the same people- went to his friends birthday party and I walked in and of course someone i knew screamed so loud that she barely recognized me without my wig on !  ugh i couldnt believe it! i thought oh my god everyone just heard that including my date.. so the next morning i sat him down and told him everything and it turned out he never heard my friend say that about my hair... i dont know if i mentioned the reconstruction though - but he was but you are fine now right? and i said yes  and he said that was all that mattered   i couldnt believe it!   i think each time it will be different - i think you did the right thing to wait  and i guess i will wait till i feel comfortable when the situation comes up again   anything else you want to ask me please feel free

julia

Thanks for your stories! I think there are a lot of generalites surrounding this topic (like, doctors just wave their hands and say 'oh, the right guy will love you anyway') so it's really helpful to hear specifics from women who've actually faced this. Marybe, the comment about the axe murderer/split personality cracked me up--I guess there ARE worse things to find out about someone. : )

I do not have cancer. I have "LCIS", which is "lobular carcinoma in situ" or lobular neoplasia. It's considered more  a HIGH risk factor, It often is bilateral, multi-focal. It puts one at such a higher risk, constant state of anxiety that some women opt for PBM, prophylactic double mastectomy. I don't want to do that prophylactically. However, they do want to do an excisional biopsy on me to make sure I don't have cancer because 14% of people discoved to have LCIS on core-needle biopsy turn out to have cancer when they go in there for an excisional. First surgeon said he'd do a lumpectomy and take out and approach it just the same as if I had cancer! I have small breasts and I am single. I am worried about ending up with misshapened breasts and needing reconstruction for lumpectomy because this happens sometimes (insurance would not pay for reeconstruction for lumpectomy, just a mastectomy). And then I read that some small breasted women might want to consider mastectomy instead of lumpectomy because reconstruction can go better with better cosmetic effects  with Mx!! So, all of a sudden even without any known cancer I'm facing all this. So, I probably will just not let them do a lumpectomy on me. But I am curious the effect lumpectomies have had on single women out there, the cosmetic results, hwo they feel, how long if ever it takes for breasts to "normalize" if you're small breasted. B/c I am single I do very much care and worry about my appearance and how this would effect my self-esteem. I worry about taking Mx route too though bc of how it'd effect men and their reaction to be sexual if beautiful new boobs can't very well feel their touch or respond sexually to their touch. I'd think that'd be quite a deterrent--not that they couldn't overcome it but them just knowing they'd like to touch you but can't turn you on--how do you deal with telling them that part or how do THEY deal with that part? I don't know how that works for women, their sex lives in terms of their boobs and role that plays after Mx. I guess after lumpectomy for large breasted women that look fine other than a bit of a scar, it would not be a big deal? Anyway, these are my concerns, great enuf from stopping me from getting a lumpectomy on 86% chance I'm fine, cancer free at this point, and don't need one. Course there's that other 14% chance i have cancer, which isn't insignitifant but I do care about appearance and sex and dating and how it would effect my self-esteem no matter how much I told myself to feel differently. It's a hard topic. I appreciate everyone on line being so open about it because i do think it's so important, such an intimate but so important area that support is very much needed here too. I often think with others playing it down that that's cuz their married and they dont' need to worry as much if happily married, but being sincle makes it different, and harder.---paula--PS: don't want to give impression I"m going to do NOTHINg though. I will closely monitor get frequent screenings, get thermograms done and really do aggressive preventative medicine plan to improve breast health.

So, I was just getting back into dating and boom staph infection and lost my right implant, it will be months before I can get an expander in and then a new implant. The long strange road only gets stranger. I'm wondering how to put off intamacy in a new relationship till I have two boobies and at what point disclosure is proper.

Keep this in mind, men are simple.

Really. If you are healthy now, some of them don't much care about the deets.

If one boob has sensation and the other doesn't I would let them know. But it can be simple like wear a bra and pull it down on the good side. In many cases they will have fun with the one boob and never even get to the other, if your are "going all the way".

If it is more of a fling, and not a relationship you might even get away with saying play with this one, the other is under the weather.

Obviously in a committed relationship cancer is a big part of your life story. But if you are just looking to "get back on the horse" you may want to keep it simple.

LOL This is just what I needed...

I just today got a e mail from a guy for on line dating!

I am still in the reconstruction phase and have been determined to not date until I get my real implants and nipples w/ tattoos. The new year approaching makes me want to have a date this week, but I really don't want to have to hug someone with TE's - it's painful for me & probably him too?

I would love a kiss for the new year but I guess that will have to wait another 12 months... big sigh!

Now throw sex into the mix??? Yikes I will probably be a virgin again by the time I ever get to that!

I am so glad I found this thread - I will add it to my favorites!

Keep asking the questions because I have no idea what to ask!

Kimberly

right now I have 2 TE's and no potential dates!

I would like to think I would feel confident enough to meet someone, but I have not been out!

Where will I ever meet someone?

I have no clue where to start? Possibly ask my PS if he knows any one? Maybe he will have a cute friend who wants to see his work?

LOL

Kimberly

I have that too but kind of in reverse...

I have lost 40 lbs since I got this cancer crap last july...

TOO much stress and tamoxifen helps with weight loss.

I don't have any good picts to post and no one to take picts of me as I am keeping the dating thing quiet in real life.

every guy wants to see a pict of me! then nothing - not very good for my ego! they see me and pass?

I almost feel like by the time I get my implants and nipples done, I might be worthy of a good picture? possibly even slimmer?

for now I have been chatting on line with a guy from the Bronx who is working in the UK. He is safe enough because he is far away, but all I sent him was my pict from here... not a very clear pict.

Looks attract, but if there is no personality there is nothing. I hope there are men who will get to know the personality first.

Good Personality = fat chick? at least the last time I dated (in 1984) that was what it meant.

YIKES this is so scary!

Kimberly

No bc definitely does NOTHING for your self esteem .  I had issues before bc in that department, and now, holy moly.  Well good for you that you lost weight, although this sure is a sh&tty way to do that! 

I'm taking tamox and have already lost 10 but have at least 10 to go (yo-yo for me, was about 10 overweight before all this started, gained 15).  I have days where I try to decide which one is better or worse, being overweight, lopsided, or short, short, short hair.... today, it's kind of an toss-up between all three 

You have a very sweet personality Kim, that really does come through on here, and the right guy will see past all this crap, I really believe that, for all of us.

I'd like to add a few things here.

Please do not ever misrepresent yourself in any way (this is not directed at anyone specific here, just in general - Mai605, I don't think 10 pounds is misrepresenting).

Think of it this way... How would you feel if you met a guy online who you thought was physically attractive then met him in person and found that his picture was 20 years old?  Or if he misrepresented himself in any way?

You can continually change your profile picture(s) as things with you change.  You can also update your profile as well.  If you've gone through chemo, lost hair and now it's growing back, maybe you could post photos of the process... i.e. before chemo, during chemo, after chemo and current.

I think if anyone wanted to weed out someone who is not serious, a good way might be to casually mention something like, "oh yeah, that happened to me when I was going through chemo" and then let that conversation evolve.  If it were me, I would try to bring it up as soon as possible.  After all, if the guy can't handle it now, he surely wont be able to handle it after marriage... and marriage is for better or worse and in sickness and in health.

It hurts to get rejected for whatever reason.  But guys get rejected all the time.  Imagine how hard it is for them to ask a girl out and she declines.  It's really no different between the sexes. 

Keep in mind, we are all flawed... and I don't mean "we" as in those of us with breast cancer.  Every guy you meet and go out with is flawed as well.  We, as in everyone in the world, is imperfect and flawed.

How boring it would be if everyone and everything were perfect. 

Marie I said I don't ever try to misrepresent myself...

I also noticed in your bio that you're stage 1... I really hate to assume so I'll just ask, did you lose your hair to chemo?  My mouth fell open at the suggestion of posting chemo pics without hair on a dating profile.  Like Kim said, yes we want to be open and honest and upfront about our journey, but there has to be timing.  Throwing it all out there in a profile on a dating site...I'll just shut up now.

I get the whole trying to weed out guys who are not serious.  I also understand that men do not want to date a woman or get involved with a woman if they know they are sick, they want to hear we're better and everything will be fine.  Not quite sure what posting pics of being bald, swollen, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, no color in your skin could possibly accomplish.

Mai605 - I didn't say that you were or ever tried to misrepresent yourself.  I only put that in there because since I used the word "misrepresent", I didn't want you to think it was directed at you.

Yes, I did lose my hair to chemo and I plan to keep it shaved down for a few months even though it has started to grow back.  My profile picture on Facebook is a picture of me "bald" and I would use the same picture on a dating site.  And sometimes I go out in public with my bald head and only one boob.

Marie - I applaud you for your confidence, this is a bit of a touchy topic with me and I am learning to live with my shortcomings every day, and still feel like the confident person I was before this.  I do believe that there are good men out there who will accept us as we are.  I still strongly believe though that in the beginning men are visual, especially on dating sites... they are (heck we all are) ultimately attracted to a pic first, before anything.  Most importantly, men also want and will be attracted to the woman who is confident and comfortable with themselves...