Dating After Recostruction (and CANCER!)

enjoylife

Hi everyone unfortuntaly its a lonely disease if your single i am a young 58 still have some chemo wieght on but going to work on working out in Feb its been almost 18 months since my last chemo and I still dont have my hair back which makes it even worst for women. Oh I get this at least once a week just be glad your alive this might come from somone who freaks if they have a bad hair day or a pimple its just amazing and I too think that no man will want me with this problem but maybe that is my hangup with the non hair I tend to stay isoliated ecept at work and home and grocery store and church and home and home and home. I still have to get my nipple on also this summer besides always wondering if its going to come back and slap me again to the bandaid on my head NO HAIR well its there but its like a old lady in a nursing home you cannot go without a hat anywhere you go...so I am here nd hear all of you

Maura the dog likes it I am home allot and she gets talked to every day huh.....

Bigapple09

I want to think that the "right man" is deeper than what we think they will be. There are a lot of women with very thin or no hair. My nanny had very thin hair and so did one of my aunts, you could always see their scalps. Lots of women who don't like their hair wear wigs or hats all the time as an accessory. You are not obliged to give a full medical disclosure like "this is not my hair, I had cancer, I lost my hair and my breast is being reconstructed" on the first date. Disclosure and intimacy have to come slowly and in the appropriate time.

Don't wait till February, start working out now. I can tell you that endorphins have become my best friend. I started running and working out again three weeks ago and the days I don't run, i fell like a sad unhappy person, but after a run, I feel like there is nothing I cannot do.

No one has the right to tell you to just be happy you are alive, who wants their quality of life set to just survive, you want to have a full and happy life and you can make it happen.

Stuff is going to stink, it happens. Every morning i have to put on the mast bra with the prophy before I go out, I really hate that, I hate that I can't wear cloths with a normal neck line right now. But its only for now, it will be better after the follow up surgery. I am not looking forward to having a big scare accross my stomach, but I have no choice the radiated skin is so thin and did not do well with an implant alone, so a combo DEIP and an implant is what it will be and it will be better than having one breast.

i started to get depressed yesterday (a day I did not run) and thinking about how hard the next surgery will be and how hard it will be not having my ex to help me, so I started making a list and a plan as to how I will get through it and who I can call on to help with what, and it started to be less overwhelming and less sad. One day (not soon enough) we will look back on these times and say boy that was awful but it was only 2 years out of a life of 80 or 85 years, I am so glad its over.

I use the lance Armstrong Foundations free daily plate tool to help with calories and exercises/weight tracking it helps, it makes me accountable to me and I feel so good when i see that I am making progress and I recognize what behaviors give me set backs it is sort of empowering.

Enjoylife, we are all here for you, and we think you are great as you are today ((((hug)))))

Alitman

Music - I lived in Richmond for 6 months in early 2007.  I moved to NE in june 2008 and started this joourney in June 2009. 

Enjoy - I understand your position so very well.  I have been alone through this entire experience.  I had a prophy bilat - so I didn't lose my hair.  I am, however single and now 51 years old (as of Jan 21st).  To add to the aggrevation - I am overweight.  I will say it out loud - I am fat.  I am 5'5" and I weigh in at 220. 

 No one has seen or touched my foobs except the drs.  I have decided to get nips and a tummy tuck.  I am scheduled for these on april 6th. 

I want to get in shape and have managed to lose 10 lbs through this process - the foobs are bigger than my original ones.  I don't know how to start.  I need to get moving but have NO motivation and I am afraid to ask anyone for help. 

I find myself crying as I write this - so I must really be hitting a nerve within myself,  I can no longer do this alone - any suggestions?

Allison

wabiwoman

Wendy - Wise words.  I'm totally with you on it all - that there are deeper men out there and that exercise is PIVOTAL (not being able to exercise right now post exchange absolutely has a negative impact on my mood).

Allison - I don't know where in NE you are (I'm in NE), but the YMCA got a grant from the Lance Armstrong Foundation to do fitness programs with Cancer Survivors.  And, if $ are ever an issue, they offer financial aid.  It might be a nice way to be with people who have gone through something similar and are looking for ways to get back in shape.  They have a weekly "class" and then the trainers are always available to give people support if they need it. See if there is a YMCA near you. 

 

musiclovermom

Allison

I am with you on the weight! I am a few inches taller than you and a size 18 right now. I am so excited that I dropped from a 18W to a misses 18! This was so big for me - I have no idea what I weigh as I do not own a scale and close my eyes at the doctors, but one nurse commented that I had lost 40 lbs since I had been in. HA - cancer will do that for you! was my response.

I think the Tamoxifen has a lot to do with weight loss too. I have yet to join a gym as I am out of work right now and can not afford the extra bill until I get back to earning money.

I have tried to cut out carbs after 2 in the afternoon. If I am going to eat bread or pasta I do it early in the day. I eat protein and vegetables in the evening and try to  have dinner early.

I am by no means an expert but it has been working for me. I have been slowly losing weight and my breast surgeon noticed last week. I had not seen her in 3 months and it was the first thing she mentioned when she entered the room. My PS on the other hand, has not said anything, but I imagine it's because I see him every week and it's so gradual that he may not notice it.

I am hoping to go back to work the beginning of March and then join a gym. I was out shoveling snow this morning with a dust pan! I don't own a shovel living in Virginia and it was the only thing I could think of to allow me to clear a path with out hurting something or over working my pects. I was crouching down to reach the snow and had a great leg workout!

I like to walk around while shopping but I never buy anything. I just go shopping to get the walking in. Other than that, I really don't have much to offer. I live alone and it's easier to not eat if no one else is eating. When I go to friends and eat on their schedule, I tend to do the social overeating.

I find that I am drinking more fluids as I heard someplace that people tend to eat when they are really thirsty. I am hooked on sugar free pink lemonade. I probably drink that the most. I limited my juice intake as it has lots of calories.

I would love to have lipo or a tummy tuck after I lose all the weight I want to. Right now it is pointless as I have not really tried exercise yet. Hopefully exercise will tighten up the belly some.

I will be your partner in this if you want! We can set a goal and motivate each other! I would like to get down to 150! 175 is around a 14 for me but 150 is probably a 8/10 - or used to be. I am almost 5'8" and carry much of my weight in my hips and thighs. I can fluctuate 40 lbs before I have to change sizes.

Let me know what you think!

Kimberly

Alitman

Kimberly - that sounds good - partnering up and keeping each other motivated.  I can't believe that you shoveled your walk with a dustpan..... I can't imagine doing that.  I imagine more than just your legs got a workout.  My back would be killing me....

 What is the significance of your screen name.  I am a music lover as well - but I'll bet there is more to it than just that.  What kind(s) of music are you passionate about?  I used to sit in and sing with a band in every once in a while when I lived in Arizona.  I miss that.

Allie

Alitman

Wabiwoman - for some reason I thought you were in NY or somewhere up there.  Where in Nebraska do you live?  I live in Blair and  I am going to call the local YMCA - I planned on calling today from work, but I got sidetracked with my actual job..... Imagine that... too busy working to make a personal call.   LOL

Allie

musiclovermom

Hi Allie!

I think Wabiwoman was thinking NE was New England...

I have a job where I employ teenagers and I listen to all of their music. I love the alternative, new rock, punk and what ever the teens are listening to. My favorite band has been Good Charlotte for the past 8 years - I know- not what you would expect form some one in their 40's. My children are 19 and 22 and I think I get more excited that a band is coming to town than they do.

Music lover MOM myiPod has quite the mix. Seether & Nickleback are favorites as well as blink 182. I love Jason Mraz and Flyleaf and toss in Chris Isaac too! I could go on and on... GreenDay, U2, the Killers etc. OKAY - I will stop!

I wish I could sing in a band, but that is so not me! I sing in the car with the windows rolled up! 

I need to find a man to go to concerts with... Hell, I would love to have a man to talk to... My husband left me after 25 years together - 2 months before the cancer was diagnosed and I have been living alone for almost a year now... Cancer sucks but cancer alone is suckier!

Both my daughters are out of the house so I got empty nest - end of marriage - cancer and had to sell my house and buy a new one all in one summer!

This summer has to be better than last summer! All it will take is new boobs and a date! Is that too much to ask for?

We are supposed to get more snow this weekend and I am thinking I might go buy a shovel because the dustpan took forever and while I did not hurt my pects with my Tissue expanders in, I just don't want to do that again! I am not sure what my PS would say about me shoveling... dust panning might be approved! LOL

Talk to you soon Allie

Kimberly

Alitman

You are too funny.  I have two boys 19 and 22.  My 19 year old and his best friend who is 20 live with me.  My older son lives in AZ with his dad.  I like SOME of the kids' music.  I like to listen to sublime, slightly stupid and there are a few I just don't know the names of - my favorites are much older - cat stevens, carol king, ella fitzgerald, nora jones & rosemary clooney.  I like the old standards and ballads (which is what I sing).  The kids love tech-9 and lots of other rap groups.  I really don't care for that genre. 

I can really identify with all your changes.  In the last year two years I have lived in 3 states, sold a house in AZ bought one here in NE - I moved away from all my friends and have only my kids here to spend time with and right now I am not happy with what is going on around here.  It is time for another "come to jesus" meeting. 

I think you SHOULD buy a shovel - the mental picture I have of shoveling with a dustpan is just too much to handle.  Even a rake would be better... Please don't hurt yourself. 

Allie

musiclovermom

Good Morning Allie!

LOL - I used to use a lawn rake to gather up the girls toys in their rooms - I would rake them to the living room and make them organize them...

My oldest lives in Savannah and the youngest went back to Maine to live with her dad... I am envious you have one of your boys and his friend. All I have is my employees and I only see them at work.

I grew up on Carol King! and my youngest loves her "feel the earth move. I am not such a fan of rap, but do like Enimen. One of my local friends thought Pink was rap... not quite! I do have Nora Jones and steve miller and all the great 70's music in my collection too! I sound better singing Simple Plan songs... guys with bad voices! LOL

So how are we going to motivate each other to get our buts in gear and get skinny and dates? I have no idea where to meet men and all my friends are cancer patients or moms with little kids... I have not been out at night and have no one to go with. My big night out is Wednesday when I go to support group. 

My plan today is to get the back deck cleared of the snow before the next storm hits this weekend. I hate moving patio furniture! I don't have any yard equipment as my husband took possession of the tools and outside stuff. I will get all of a friends yard equipment when she sells her house this spring. I bet I can make it until then before I have to buy anything!

Kimberly

nosurrender

Hi -

I am single too! I was first diagnosed in 2001 and had a lumpectomy and I found it was a lot easier than now. Three years ago today I had my second diagnosis and that required a bilateral mast. I had expanders and implants, did nine months of chemo, rads, etc., Dating after recon is a whole new ball game!

I gained 20 pounds from the chemo, too. This time, though, I got right on it because the first time I didn't do diddly about my weight post chemo. I joined the Y and started swimming. It cured my lymphedema which was a great bonus, and I ride the bike either at the Y or around here when it is warm enough ( I live in NY)

I changed my diet to whole grains, no butter only olive oil, lots of vegetables and I eat all the pasta I want because it is whole grain with flax, which is good for fighting cancer too. The best motivation I have to work out is that studies have shown that regular exercise reduces your risk of recurrence by 50%. After having BC twice- I don't want it again!

I have learned that, yes, as you said above, that there are men out there who are deeper and worth waiting for. Don't waste your time with men who are going to make you feel worse about yourself.

I have done a lot of work on dating after cancer and I would be happy to share anything I can with you all.

hugs,

g

Alitman

G - thank you for your advice - believe me, I can use all I can get. 

Kimberly - not sure how to go about setting up a program (or something) we can do.  I am in Dallas the end of this week and I still need to call the Y - I will try to come up with something and do the same - how about we compare notes over the weekend - sunday maybe? or whenever - it's not like I have a life or anything.... Your thoughts?

Allie

musiclovermom

Hi G - glad you joined this thread! Please help us as much as you can!

Hi Allie! I guess our first goal should be to check the Y and any other gyms to see what they offer at a time of day that is convenient for us. If they have the classes I want at the wrong time of day it isn't doing me any good.

You sound like me with the no life!  I tell all my friends I have no life, I am just boring and I suppose I need to make a few new friends that are single and just GO OUT some place. Staying at home all the time does not seem to be working!

We each need to check out at least one place to exercise - should be able to accomplish that by Sunday!

 Kimberly

Bigapple09

Wow, dating is weird, I need to figure out how to end a date in under an hour when I don't like the guy. I did all the stuff yawning, wow its getting late. Finally I just said " I have an early meeting, I need to get going."

This guy so needs a dating coach, I don't think there was a faux pas he missed holy cow, ok that and to lighten up on the botox, I mean really you are a guy and your not on TV so what gives?  There was name dropping, the I drive a hummer thing and I have been to Eurpoe 32 times, ok stop, its not a contest, it is a date, where you first figure out if you even like each other.

The good news, breast cancer has not made me desperate, I'll take my triumphs where I can get them.

musiclovermom

Wendy that is too funny! Was he 15 years older? Sounds like he is insecure with the name dropping and bragging.

I have heard of people texting under the table to have a friend create an emergency to get out of bad dates!

You had a date and KNOW your are not desperate! Just keep us posted! Love to hear what is going on!

Kimberly

wabiwoman

Kimberly and Allie - Even if the YMCA doesn't have a class that fits your schedule, they usually have aerobic machines/nautilus.  Just get some good music on your CD Player/Ipod and play!  Maybe I'm projecting -- I am soooooo bad at following the leader in aerobics classes, that I generally don't get a workout. (If I have to keep stopping to get my steps right, I'm not gonna sweat!)

Also, just to get even more support, there is a thread called "Fitness and Getting Back in Shape" on BC.org.  That might also be cool to investigate.

And Wendy! I hear you.  I feel much the same way about dating and have gone out with guys who seems to want to present a checklist of their accomplishments.  I do think it is a "man" thing - I grew up in a time when the value of a woman was in her cooking and her beauty, and the value of a man was in his accomplishments and riches.  I think some men think that is all they have to offer and it is sad.  In keeping, some women feel all they have to offer are their looks.  I think with all the surgeries I've had and scars and just getting older - I've been forced to (and am happy to) let that go.  I am absolutely convinced I will find the sort of man I am seeking despite - oh - 6 scars on my body, no nipples, thinning hair, etc.  He is out there, I just have to do the footwork (which will no doubt include more bad dates!) 

Geena

nosurrender

Hi guys,

I am smiling at some of your dating observations... I went on a date once with a guy I met through an online site.  It was so dreadful that I excused myself to go to the ladies room, slipped out the back door and drove home! And then there as another one who had the best picture on his profile. He had a sail boat and seemed too good to be true. He arranged for us to meet  on my beach, he would sail over. The beach was crowded with lots of boats. I had on a suit that covered my scars and my hair was, well, it was humid out so I did the best I could! I see this guy sail up and get out of his boat. He walked up to me. The only problem was it was not the guy in the profile. It was someone TOTALLY different and not in a good way. Yep, it was him. He used someone else's picture I guess. So you know what the first thing he said to me? " You look different from your picture!"

There are a lot of frogs out there  we have to weed through before we find our princes!

about the Y... my Y has a pool and a weight room and cardio room. They also have classes.  When I first started there I went straight to the pool. I took off my wig in the locker room and then put on my bathing cap. Eventually I ditched the wig walked around like a normal person. I would swim and use the bike. I have wanted to take a class but the timing has always been off for me.

Anyway, these are just some random thoughts I thought I would add.... 

I just want to reiterate, there ARE great men out there- men worthy of US.

hugs,

g

Bigapple09

I try to be super polite, you never know if you know some of the same people, or if the fit is not right he light know someone who is right for you so. Plus the bathroom was in the back and you had to walk past were he was sitting to get out.

My daughter and I were laughing i was telling her some of the weird questions he asked:

"What are you 120?" (Sure thanks) [so he can get the ruphie does right]

"What is your maiden name?"

"What is your married name?"

"What type of make up do you wear?"

"What does your hair look like in the morning?"

"Does your hair dresser just cut your hair or do you get it colored also?"

"Do you just stay out of the sun or do you do botox?"

"What kind of perfume do you wear?"

I said "I' don't know/ I don't recall" more times that former AG Gonzolez.

We decided he was trying to know as much as he could so that he could stock his house with my favorite things, that way I would feel right at home when he kidnapped me and locked me in the basement of his house.

I was so waiting for him to ask if I had any work done. So bizzare.

I went out to dinner with an ex from like 10 years ago last night it was a much better dinner experience that stalker/potential kidnapper boy.

sushanna1

Bigapple--Those questions are just too weird.  Worst date I ever had was a blind date about 20 years ago.  The guy had a fair amount of inherited money (a lot for where I live, not in a bigger geographical context) and was a nationally (or at least east coast) known collector.  He lived about 40 miles from me and I was fixed up by a much older single male friend who thought this guy to be a good "catch."  The first contact was awful.  A phone conversation that almost ended up in an argument, but I thought I should give the guy a chance.  Bad decision.  When he picked me up for a dinner date, he desperately wanted me to admire his car, a fairly new BMW.  I didn't notice.  He then pointed it out to me with the comment,  "most girls don't notice but...".  During dinner, he asked me to use my hands to restyle my hair and then told me that I should wear my hair differently.  It also became clear to me that he was eager to reproduce quickly so that his heirs would inherit some money.  After the hair incident, I was annoyed and eager to flee.  

When he told me that if I styled my hair as he suggested that I would look like Faye Dunaway, his favorite actress, I knew what to do.  I told him that I really admired Faye Dunaway because like me, she refuses to shave her armpits.  I suggested that he watch her next film carefully to see for himself.   Did the trick!  I never heard from him again.

Bigapple09

sushanna

My daughter almost spit her breakfast out when I read her that story.

Alitman

This is hysterical.....Wendy - I can only imagine the sizing up for the basement containment... I would have run screaming out of the restaurant.... Good thing we all know to take our OWN cars or at the very least know the bus schedule!!! 

 My mother used to tell me that all I needed to take on a date is a condom and a quarter.  We all know what the condom was for - the quarter was for a phone call to get picked up if you didn't like the date.  LIfe before cell phones....

 I am going to call the local Y today to see what they have to offer.  This is a very small town in the middle of nowhere but you never know.... maybe this is one of those areas where lots of women have bc issues - we are fairly close to a nuclear power plant,,,,

I'll let you know what I find out.

Allison

wabiwoman

Laughing, laughing, laughing!!!!!

plainjane64

Hi girls,

Hope you don't mind if I join you.  Feel as if I'm just getting back into this arena.....yet not exactly yet?  Here goes....I haven't had a boyfriend/serious relationship in ....eeks!  almost 3 yrs!  Had a hot and heavy during my first issue(ADH).  Then we split up for other reasons.  Then wow, may have had a random date or interest, got busy w/....life, sold a house, bought another.  Was JUST beginning to work less and trying to resume a social life, single at 43 when BOOM- BC diagnosis in the other breast....had lumpect/rads initially.  THEN couldn't lose the worry,esp w/ issues post rads-constant pain, seroma, cellulitis,mos later, etc. Did more research and decided  on BLM and immed recon via DIEP.  I had stage 1  Sept 22 2009, and stage 2 about 8 weeks ago.  I have NO doubt I did the right thing for me.  BUT.....YES, the entire process has been somewhat consuming!  BUT, I am VERY happy w/ my new body!.....and as my L breast 'problem area' continues to slowly improve I think I will like my body even more than pre ANY breast surgeries.  I have met men during the entire process.  There was mutual attraction.  We start talking  and try as I might to keep from making him 'abreast' of all this....Invariably the topic comes up.  It does feel like date repellant ya know!  I think there is such mystery and fear because most men....actually most of the general public, really do not know how awesome recon has actually become.  I will say I chose my recon surgeons based on not only their success rate and skill level BUT on the fact that the scars I have look like no more than a lift or reduction.  That was huge to me. While I have no issues now showing other people(women) my new breasts.  I think .....have always felt the real measure of how great the recon is remains:  Can you tell I've had a mastectomy?  My friends say no.  Anyhoo, yes....If/when I meet someone, or the next Mr. Fabulous....Yeah......if this stuff scares him off he's not the right guy......so perhaps this has just become a better filtering process?  Regardless, I need to get out more.  Can't wait to wear the tight fleur de lis tshirt tomorrow!  Thanks for letting me weigh in on the subject.  Hope I have some dating stories to tell soon!  Cheers! 

Alitman

Plain.... I was just in your neighborhood.  I went was in Plano on business.  Thanks for joining in on the conversation... any and all input is welcome and if it provides a little chuckle all the better.

Allison

Alitman

I spoke with the fitness director at my local Y - she advised me that should would not recommend anything other than maybe some water aerobics and even then she would recommend against arm stuff unless I brought in a note from my dr advising what I can and can't do.... Not very helpful if you ask me,,,,,,

Allison

musiclovermom

Allie - I have found a gap in a lot of things dealing with breast cancer recovery!

You would think that some one would corner the market on this!

So many of us could use specialized reconstruction personal trainers, massages, fitness classes, yoga, bra fitters!

I have not been impressed with ANY of the bra fittings I have had. I feel like yanking the tape measure out of their hands and teaching them the proper way to measure...

So far I have not signed up for any fitness club... I have my implant surgery next week, so I am using that as an excuse to wait... can we all say PROCRASTINATION????

KIMBERLY

musiclovermom

Hello Ladies!

Happy Valentine Day! 

I am off to church (first time in a long time) then treating myself to a 60 min massage. I would do the mani - pedi thing today too - but no nail polish for thursday's exchange... Don't want to ruin a perfectly good paint job - I'll get that done next week as a reward for the new girls!

Still no man in my life other than the magic PS who is building me new perky boobs that won't try to kill me!

A friend did mention that a guy was checking me out while we were in line at a store the other day... Hmmm he was like the age of my grand father... Like Wendy, I might have issues with men 15 years older than me. Too close to my Dad's age.

I guess there is no point in rushing things... I am more interested in the soft squishy implants being installed this week!

Allie! I did finally talk to a fitness club and was told to make an appointment with the director to go over my needs with reconstruction exercises...  Hope they have a trainer who is knowledgeable.

Other than that V-Day is going to be as lonely as New Years was...

Kimberly

Bigapple09

I am having my first single v day in years. I had dinner with one of my best friends last night and today is going to be a great day.

My ex S/O had a way of making v day such a downer, he would build it up for weeks as though it was going to be something amazing and then it was always a total let down. I have this phobia that he will call today and ruin the whole day, but that is what caller id is for.

Like you Kimberly, I am focusing a lot on the upcoming surgery and getting in the best shape I can and getting my house (literally) in order. I know I will need someone to stay with me for a while, so I am on an organizing and idiot proofing my house kick. I am even looking a new furniture. Three years ago, my ex s/o put down a mandate that neither of us buy new furniture since we would be buying a new place and I had my furniture and he had his and blah, blah, blah. In retrospect the first time he emailed me a listing on a new house and told me to schedule a viewing and then canceled the viewing, I should have went ahead and redecorated my house and shown him the door (or curb), but live and learn.

I am on this millionaire match maker kick after reading the Patti Stanger book, last week she had a clip with this guy Paul, and it was great, he was so much like my ex and it was so refreshing to watch someone hand him his tush and call him out on his BS. I don't know what it is, but I feel so renewed.

Lets all make this a happy V day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

musiclovermom

I missed you Wendy!

Loved the almost scandal on EC! LOL I had to scroll back up to see who wanted to feel their husband too!  I would feel mine if I had one.

Today I had my last massage before my exchange and it was just what I needed! I will have to wait at least a month before I go back and then probably can't lie on my stomach for a while - will wait to see what my PS has to say about massages after surgery.

So far this V-Day does not suck as much as I anticipated it would. I am focusing on me and what I want. Pampering myself is something I would never have done before.

I may be alone but I am not lonely today - or for the rest of the week either.

Have a good rest of the weekend!

Kimberly

Alitman

I had a pretty good date last night.  Met him through Match.com and he is nice and very chatty.   We had dinner and I was home by 11 - mostly because I had to go to the office this morning at 6:30 to test the installation of new software....I would have stayed out later if not for that.  But he said he'd like to see me again!!  Nice.  I did spend some time in the ER today - I tore the ACL in my right knee about 5 years ago and it has been giving out on my lately and has gotten pretty bad - I now have a knee brace and they wanted me on crutches but when I told the dr about the mastectomy he said I could live without the crutches as long as I get in to see the orthopedist early this week.  All in all an okay weekend.... It's funny how just a small amount of positive attention can do for your feeling of well being...

Allison