Crying and Crying

PureE, I think that most of us can relate to where you are at right now. I have had some of the same emotions, and yes I am sure some of it was related to chemo. The disease robs us of our sense of stability and we can't help but wonder if we are the next one that will lose the battle. I am almost 3 years from dx, and I still at times panic about leaving my kids. I can handle whatever happens, it just is the fear that I would be leaving them! I just try to remember at these times to live like I am alive and I try not to live like I am dying. My prayers go out to you as you continue treatment, and look ahead to a great future as a mom and a SURVIVOR! Keep us posted on how treatment is going. Have a great day. 

The more you read, the more upset you wil become-so now might be the time to step back a little, and focus on the present. No amount of research will tell you what side of the statistics you will fall-will you get a recurrence, or have few problems in the future. Even with my 1V diagnosis, I try not to brood on the future-my condition is terminal, I've accepted that, and am trying to learn to live with it. On the other hand, you very well may get a miracle in your life, so try to remain hopeful that you can soon put this time behind you. Allowing cancer to dominate your life is harming you emotionally-and possibly even physically. I was quite upset to read that you "spent yesterday reading stage 1V survivor stories".....this level of introspection is only serving to upset you even more. If you really are convinced that you'll end up stgae1V, then no amount of reassurance from us-or your medical team-is going to make you think differently. Could you consider asking for some counselling-learning some techniques to cope with these overwhelming feelings of despair can only be a good thing for you. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.....don't let cancer defeat you emotionally by allowing it to dominate you thoughts. Your fears may be completely unfounded:they may be perfectly rational. But you need help in learning to deal with them-compartementalising your fears so they don't dominate your waking moments, would be a useful starting point. Good luck.

Jen - As Kerry said - you are NOT Stage 4.  Don't even think like that.   I know that it is easier said then done as I was feeling the same thing only yesterday!  We all have had the same feelings as you at sometime or another, but you will have to deal with it only if you get there.  Don't waste your energy on those thoughts, continue to think positive as you have been in the past.   Going through chemo is very depressing and those feelings can sneak up on you at any time.  You will get through this.

Please stay away from sad stories, they only make your steroid lows worse.  Stay in the now, you have a wonderful husband, children and are carrying a beautiful baby that needs you.  Before BC there were no guarantees in life..............  You can't predict where you will be in a day, week, month or year from now live for today.................... And - call your doctor and make sure he/she knows how bad the lows from the steroids are for you.   

Let it be-yes, of course you have to face your fears-and well done to you for doing so. But when it dominates your life to the exclusion of all else-then it is a much deeper rooted problem, and one which needs, at the very least, help from the professionals. It's great to have the use of a forum, where information, fears (and fun!) can be shared. But sometimes, more help is needed than what we can give-no matter how good our intentions, we simply can't help constructively when someone is determined to focus on the worst possible case scenario. I sincerely hope that Pure starts to find the confidence to live in the present-it's interesting that all the replies have advised this.

Jen

I have never posted on your threads before, but I read them and I have deep empathy for your pain.

I know I am not stage III but with the aggressiveness of the type of BC I HAD, I was right there with you in the fear, doubt, and extreme, raw emotion. Everything you have written I have felt, and dealt with I was also young when diagnosed and with three small boys (one being diabetic).

I was a very vibrant and alive person before all of this and then fear took over. Every ache and pain sent me to scans and tests and I was just sure it was over. I didn't care what I looked like, could not rejoin normal status with friends, plans, etc.

I finished Herceptin in May and quit my job of 17 years (really cool job) in September because I just could not bring myself to get on an airplane or deal with normal situations. I didn't think I had a future etc.

I have now come to realize that I felt crappy physically and mentally due to all the drugs, and constant Dr. Appts, who can feel good during all of that? Slowly our bodies heal and you start having negative scans, and build up confidence again. I don't think anyone that go's through all of this ever feels good and it plays with our chemistry. Once I had about 5 negative tests, I really started to believe that I could actually be NED and beat this. It takes time....I know this sounds stupid and redundant but it is the truth. I don't agree that you have to change your thinking all of the time, you can feel anything that comes up and that is part of the process. If you allow yourself the emotions you can feel them then let go of them, let it be your process and you will heal. Keep up exercise, eating well, sleeping, reading inspirational books, praying, and the practice of "letting go and letting God"...I literally have to practice that 20 times a day it is letting go of control that has helped heal me.

I pray that you will feel peace today!

BTW - My Aunt and StepMom both had stage III 22 and 14 years ago still fine.

My Aunt had 9 positive lymph nodes and had chemo and that was it, no tamox nothing.

My 2 friends here were stage III (very aggressive) 5 years ago ...both fine today...don't even think of cancer now and don't even know about BCO (can you imagine LOL)

PS I went to a very good counselor that specializes in meditation, hypnotherapy, and polarity!

Elaine, I agree, with regards to professional help.  My counsellor helped me so much to see things in the present.  As did reading Eckhart Tolle.

Elaine, I agree, with regards to professional help.  My counsellor helped me so much to see things in the present.  As did reading Eckhart Tolle.

Hugs to you, Pure!  As others have said, some of this is actually from the steroid "plunge".

I work as a hairstylist and have met so many women who are long term survivors of b/c.  One is 21 years out!  

Also remember, it is OK to cry!  Crying is cleansing!  Think of it as cleansing your body and soul, and getting rid of all those "cells" that may be trying to disrupt your life!

I have a dear friend whom I have known since kindergarten who is an 11 year survivor and she did it holistically!  She was stage II.  She was inspirational to me in my journey.  If you would like some of the information she shared with me, I would be delighted to send it to you.  If you would like, I can send it as  personal Message, though, I will tell you, it is not quacky!  Simply lots of good positive listening to healing tapes, reading uplifting, healing books, and supplements she took over the years.  We are all different, but I would encourage you to find whatever speaks to your heart and believe with all your heart that you can beat this!

My onc happens to be a personal friend of mine, however she is in a large group who is affiliated w/ Sloan Kettering.  She supports all of the holistic things I am doing and also her group uses the word "cure".  Many onc's won't even use the word.   

Gentle hugs sent to you along with a prayer and a burst of energy and healing that will allow you to be lifted up by your surrounding angels!

i always kind of appreciated the tears during the steroid crash.. it helps those yucky chemicals to flow out from you eyes.

i don't know if it is cooler where you are now, but do drink of tons of water .. i don't know why that helped me.. a big glass of water.. it just seemed so healing... besides you'll have to replenish after all that crying.

Maybe its time you took a break from the Internet. Even this board. When I was going through chemo, I spent way too much time reading depressing research and sad stories, which only served to work me up. I stopped coming to this site, as well, because there were a lot of people at the time who seemed more focused on dying than on living, and I didn't need any help to look on the dark side. Once I weened my self from the Net, I felt a lot better. I came back when I was feeling stronger and no longer taking steroids. Really, please find a local support group so you can interact in person with women who have survived this. Focus on living - that's what your kids need to see.

Jen

Sometimes taking a break from the boards is sometimes "what the doctor ordered".  I have done it a couple of occassions, when I felt totally overwhelmed, and sometimes I read "too much information!".  Like Celtic Spirit, I came back when I felt stronger.  Taking a break really do help.

Kerry - Love your new avatar!  You look great!

I indeed have stage 4 cancer, with mets to my bones, in the beginning I was thinking the same way as you are.  I have come to determine the value of "POSITIVE THINKING".  Never think of anything in the negative light, always think of the positive, your body reacts better to that. 

Pure, I would like to echo the other comments about taking a break from reading about cancer, especially with regard to statistics. I'm a university professor, with a primary appointment in research. I gather data on everything in my life from information related to my actual line of inquiry to the best airfares when travelling (drives my DH nuts). So, when my mom was diagnosed in Jan. I went into research mode on everything related to bc. When I was diagnosed in May I was doing a lot of reading, but once I started chemo I just put it all down. In all honesty, it was a relief.

In addition, please keep in mind that statistics can only truly be interpreted within the context of a research design. There are hundreds of different types of statistical methods that a researcher can use to analyze their data and many times the one that makes the data look the best (i.e. significant) will be used, regardless if it is the correct method. That's why it's called data management or manipulation. Does that mean all statistics are wrong? No, but the numbers are seldom as simple as they appear.

Seeing a counselor would also be good. I don't know if you can take an antidepressent while pregnant, but my sister finally started taking one and it's helped her. She said she had a choice between coping or crying and she chose the former.

Give yourself permission to be sad or have bad days. God bless.....

Don't EVER  feel that you can't lay it all out with us.  Ever!  I learned so much from these ladies when I was going through treatment.  Just knowing I wasn't the only one that felt these things made me feel so much better.