Getting organized before we die

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  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited April 2009

    Vickie, I recently attended a session at Gilda's Club on Journaling.  A retired English teacher was leading us.  What she said made so much sense....you don't start out a journal "I was born, etc. etc.  Instead begin at some exciting time in your life so you engage the reader....for example...

    "walking down the aisle on my wedding day, with my Dad's firm hand on my elbow, was one of the most thrilling days of my life.  Goodbye girlhood, hello womanhood or so I thought!"  and then the branches of your life will just happen naturally as you write. 

    I recently began my journal with the story of  the day my parents left me at an out of state college.  It was the first time I ever saw my mother cry. 

    I doubt I ever would have started the journal without this insight from the teacher.  Now I am moving along quickly.  Actually quite excited about writing something every day.....continuing the story forward and backward in time.

    I hope this idea is as helpful to others as it was to me. 

    Carol

  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited April 2009

    Carol-excellent idea! I think I'll go back and begin that way-my first installment at the moment, begins:

     "I've started to write this for you at a time when life is good-I'm feeling well and able to still have pretty much the same lifestyle we had before the horrible beast came back into our lives. By the time you read, this I'll have left you my darling, but I hope this gives you some comfort in these early days, and remind you after what will likely have been a horrendous few days/weeks, that for much of the journey life was good...."

  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited April 2009

    I think I need a kick in the butt about writing. I am doing seperate books for each of the boys. I just want them to have their 'own'.

    I will encourage myself to write once a week.

    Great ideas!

  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited April 2009

    (((((kick in the butt))))) for Fitztwins.....

    That is a wonderful idea about starting at a particular point and moving on from there.  Unfortunately my life is filled with horror and tragedy.   Dont know what it would look like from another's point of view.

  • luvtotravel
    luvtotravel Member Posts: 933
    edited April 2009

    I wish I could journal. I can barely sign my name due to hand and foot syndrome.  Guess I'll have to journal on the computer but it is just not the same.

  • dani42
    dani42 Member Posts: 423
    edited April 2009

    NYCarol

    I am sorry to intrude but I was drawn to this thread.  I just wanted to tell you that what you  learned at Gilda's Club is so important.  My husband's mother died at 27 years old of breast cancer, he was five years old.  It would have been a priceless gift if he had something that told him who she was, what were her dreams, and that she loved him. 

    God bless all of you.

  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited April 2009

    Elaine, I think the way you started is simply wonderful.  You have a great talent for saying what you feel.  I am so jealous

    Fitz, I was going to do a journal for each of my children when I first thought of journaling, but I realized their lives are all so intertwined I would end up repeating myself.  And to be truthful, the thought of writing a journal for three children is daunting.  I now plan on writing one journal, and having three professional copies made and bound.  I'll leave the original to my husband.  I did create a separate photo album for each of my children and grandchildren.  That was much easier IMHO.

    Luv2travel, I believe it is what you say in the journal that matters.  It does not matter if you type it on your computer.  If you want you can "dress it up" with some of the special fonts that look like hand writing.  Or, listen to Dianne, her husband would have loved to have had a tape of his Mom's voice.  I might do that for my husband too.  Something personal.  I'll be sure and leave him a tape player too!  They might not exist in a few years.

    Dreamwriter, my heart goes out to you.  Do you have any happy memories?  Today I was trying to remember my first conscious memory.  It was when I was 4 years old, and my much older brother came home from war.  I remember him standing there in his Navy uniform.  He picked me up and covered me with kisses.  I can see him today and what a smile it brings.  Let your mind float...search for something good.  Maybe coming here to BC.org has been good for you.  So many of us here care about you.

    Dianne, I am so glad you shared with us.  You are always welcome here :)_

    hugs,

    Carol

  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Member Posts: 1,879
    edited April 2009

    I have just finished writing up my will and my living will. Now to print them up and have my witness sign them.

    I bought boxes to store letters and gifts for the kids. I just want some nice stationary to write letters on.

    I also found some cheaper places to get caskets, and plans for caskets in case my hubby wants to build me one.

  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited April 2009

    I'd hate to think that my husband had to "throw together" a casket in a couple of days.  Then again, having it around in advance seems kind of weird, doesn't it?

  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited April 2009

    I believe in some of the asian cultures it was or is a good thing to have the casket around before death. So the person knows what they will be buried in, its a source of comfort. It seems to me that by not talking about these things, it makes death a bad thing, scary thing. If we talk about these things its not so scary, theres time for the ideas, thoughts, words to sink in, digest it all. Demystify?

    I don't think its weird at all, but thats just me.

  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited April 2009

    Elaine (I think you're Elaine), bless your heart.  I have been saying that very thing about not talking about death makes it scary, and that we need to think of it as a normal, and unavoidable passage.  I'm glad we are able to do that on this thread.

    This is probably not PC to say, but I think that it would also reduce the cost of medical care if more people were able to release their loved ones to death when it is time, rather than calling for extraordinary means to "save" them.  For what?  Another week or month of painful treatment?  No, thanks.

    I still think it would feel weird to have the casket as a coffee table, though, I know you are right about the Asian tradition.  I keep thinking about the African sailor in MOBY DICK that was laid in his coffin and then suddenly decided he wasn't ready to die.  So he used his coffin as a sea chest.

  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited April 2009

    Ana- yup its Elaine (there are 2 : Elaine- thats me and ElaineD-not me). Hope I do not offend any one but...I think we are often kinder to animals than to people regarding end of life issues. Just because we can extend life, doesn't always mean we should. I don't think we, as a society, are ready to deal with the consequenses of this- way more people on the planet, often with extra or special needs and we are not stepping up to the plate...where is the housing, medical care, transportation etc basic support systems for all those that we are keeping alive but who are not able to live on their own and care for themselves?  It seems for the most part many people do not respect those older than us, I see time after time the impatience, and lack of caring or concern for the elderly. Really ticks me off.

    Sorry for the rant, its some thing I feel strongly about. 

  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited April 2009

    Elaine,

    The paradigm of life and death issues has totally changed in the past century.  Since we have modern medicine, it seems that the goal is to defeat death.  And so we have made death the enemy, and focused our battles on preventing it.  But at what cost to quality of life?

    And, if this planet is a closed system, as we know it is, how can we prevent death without controlling birth?

    I would give up my place for any one of my grandchildren to have their opportunity on this planet.

  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Member Posts: 1,879
    edited April 2009

    Well, my dh is a carpenter and loves to build furniture and i know the love he would put into it. He has always talked about making caskets for us if we were to die.

    He also saw a show where the kids drew pictures and wrote messages on the casket that they made for a mom and I thought that was really neat.  I would not want it around ahead of time, but if he would want to make it i am good with that.

  • Bigapple09
    Bigapple09 Member Posts: 440
    edited April 2009

    Hi:

    I am a BC Survivor and an attorney in NY, my practice is very much focused on end of life planning, and helping people put their houses in order. I am on the legal advisory board of a major hospice provider and am not a gawker, I saw the post while looking for info on muscle cording and thought I might have something to add, I hope no one is offended.

    I came to this area of practice after an experience with my grandpa, he had cancer just about everywhere you can get it and while pursuing treatment, he knew his prognosis was not great. He was very worried about taking care of my grandmother when he was gone and he asked me what to do, Because I was not admitted to practice where he lived we found an attorney there and she helped him make sure that the things he wanted would be followed and were legally binding. My grandpa lived for a few years after he put his house in order. It was such an empowering experience for him, and it allowed him to spend his last years focusing on the people and relationships he loved.

    Things are different state to state, but there are some basics that should be discussed with an attorney in your state, first find one you actually like and can talk to, then, don't leave things to chance, make sure you have your health care wishes in writing in the form accepted in your state, make sure its signed according to your state's law. If you have specfic funeral wishes some states, like NY allow you to designate a person to be your buiral agent and to provide for your funeral related wishes, again is a statutory form. You can also have a pre-paid funeral, where the funeral director has all of the information and directions all set up. Hospital visitation authorization can be important if you have people who you want to have visit who are not "next of kin." My living will provides that I not be kept alive by certain measures under certain circumstances, but only after my daughter (14) has had her time to sit with me and say goodbye (because that would be very important to her).

    Having the experience of being the patient and also the experience of sitting with the family members while a loved one is in the last stages, and after they have passed has shown me very different sides of the same coin, and the thing that always comes through is that the more organized things are, the more time family members can spend together at the end, instead of running around and trying to tie up loose ends.

    i cannot stress enough how important it is to meet with an attorney who is experienced in end of life planning. There really are rules about what happens and things do have to be in specific formats for them to be binding. I always hate having to tell a client that the things thier parent told them they wanted to have happen after they passed will not happen because the law provides otherwise.

    I know, that no one likes lawyers, i don't even like having to go to my lawyer, but it is a very important part of getting your house in order.

  • Fllorik
    Fllorik Member Posts: 1,351
    edited April 2009

    Thank you for sharing your experiences and information. It puts a whole new perspective on things.

  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited April 2009

    That was very nice that BigApple took the time to share this information.  Most of what was said was applicable in Canada as well.

  • Jo_Ann_K
    Jo_Ann_K Member Posts: 277
    edited April 2009

    Big Apple,

    You are right on target.  Just before I was dx with bc, I had this major urge to "get my house in order" and urged my husband to make an appointment with a friend who handles estate planning in order to set up our trusts, update our wills, get our power of attorneys for health care and other matters, as well as advanced directives.  It certainly isn't comfortable doing all of that, but it's so very important for those who will survive you to have peace of mind and know where everything is and how to deal with it.

    That's the best gift you can leave to your loved ones!

    Regards,

    Jo Ann

  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Member Posts: 1,879
    edited April 2009

    Thank you Big Apple!  That is really good info and makes things easier to deal with!

  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited April 2009

    When my grandmother died, her estate was in a mess. Took my Dad several yrs to straighten everything out. She had things squirreled away in banks all over the place, investments no one knew about you name it. My mother's father, and my father, on the other hand had everything taken care of, folder with all investments, policies, banks, account numbers, contact names and numbers, advanced directives, wills, decisions on funeral, everything you could possible want. What a difference. It really was a gift he gave us. They did it all while they were able to make decisions about what HE wanted. And we had all talked about it over the yrs, so when Dad was in really bad shape,we all KNEW what he wanted, and it was in writing.

    Now, you would think, as the wife of a lawyer (they're not all bad, including the trial ones), all this would be done in my house. Not a chance...kind of like the shoe makers children went without shoes.  Big Apple is right, it is important to have these things done, you don't want to be scrambling to make a decision...you want the time to make the right decisions. 

  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited April 2009

    Hey & hugs ALL! While on my hiatus from the puter I saw TWO movies that affected me strongly regarding what we "leave behind"...P,S.I Love You (Hilary Swank) & the Ultimate Gift (James Garner)...how odd that both movies ended up in my mailbox at the same time--one of those doooweeeoooooohhh deals...

    Anyway, after watching those movies I am confused as to what to DO----I think having something to hold/look at/see or read might be comforting to my family "after"...yet I wonder if it helps process the loss or extends the grief.......... 

    After Badboob mentioned her family coming here to read following her demise I asked dh about that---said he probably WOULD come here to see what I had written over the years.......

    "If I were dead & buried & I heard your voice, beneath the sod my heart of dust would still rejoice..." Roman Holiday---still words for the man of my heart....HUGS

     

  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited April 2009

    Love that quote saint-it's brought tears to my eyes.

  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited April 2009

    I had it done in calligraphy & framed--gave it to him for Valentine's day a few years ago......never figured out how he feels about it--it sits on the shelf in his closet--wonder if he reads it everyday or if it is too hard for him...or if I'm off my cork & he just thinks it's insipid!!!!!  LOL  

  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited April 2009

    It may be too "soppy" for him at this time.  But he will bring it out and read it when he is ready.  It is a fantastic quote.

  • destinysmom
    destinysmom Member Posts: 31
    edited April 2009

    I THINK THIS IS AN AWESOME THING TO DO!  WHEN MY FIRST HUSBAND WAS DIAGNOSED WITH LUNG CANCER , WE IMMEDIATELY STARTED MAKING ARRANGEMENTS! HIS THOUGHT OF THIS WAS HE WANTED TO BE ABLE TO GIVE PERSOANL THINGS TO THOSE OF THE FAMILY WHILE HE WAS STILL ALIVE AND ABLE TO DO SO!  ON EACH OF HIS GIFTS TO THE CHILDREN HE  WROTE A MEMORY OF A TIME THEY HAD TOGETHER AND A STATEMENT THAT WENT LIKE THIS;  REMEMBER ME IN LAUGHTER AS I REMEMBER YOU ALL ,IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ME THAT WAY THEN DON'TS WHAT! REMEMBER ME AT ALL !  IT MEANT ALOT TO THE CHILDREN AND WHEN THE TIME WAS HERE HIS GOODBYES WERE FINAL AND THE CELEBRATION OF LIFE WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE FOR THE FAMILY AND SO MANY MEMORYS THAT DAD HAD GIVEN TO US PERSONALLY MADE SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE BECAUSE HE GAVE IT TO US WE DIDN,T HAVE TO DECIDE WHO GET !S WHAT!  WHEN THAT CELEBRATION WAS OVER  EACH CHILD RELEASED A BALLON OF THIER CHOICE WITH A RIBBON AND IT WAS A PEACEFUL FEELING BECAUSE WE HAD ALREADY CRIED TOGETHER WHEN HE WAS HERE BUT WHEN HE WENT HOME IT WAS SUCH A JOY!   NOW I HAVE STARTED THE SAME PROCESS  AND IT WILL BE A MEMORY THAT WE WILL NEVER FORGET!

  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited April 2009

    Note to self, balloons with ribbons.  Cool!

  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited April 2009

    Yes, I read that and thought what a great idea!  I want my grandchildren to release a big netful of them, all together.

  • ranD
    ranD Member Posts: 373
    edited April 2009

    Jyst finished writing 2 letters to my 17 yo and 13 yo.  They pretty much are just why I love them and waht I rememeber about them growing up.  Not dreary, and I even mention that I am not leaving them, nut just wanted to write down little memories of those times.  We all get older and those little memories tend to fade.  This way, when i am gone, there will be answers to the questions of what was I like when I was little.

    I intend to do this for each child, so I have 2 more to go , the 11 yo and the 6 yo.  Plus, I have my 4 steps (40, 38 , 28 and 22) that I also want to leave a litle something.

    i just didn;t want to write one of those, now that i am dying letters.  I figure, this was, if I go on fo many years like I plan, I can always add on.  i left them on my WORD, and just named them dear zach, dear gracie,  I figure they will look there and see it someday.  I did tell my husband so he knows, but sometimes he tends to ignore the when I'm gone chats,,,so hiney...look for them!  lol

    The only problem i had was that when Istarted them, I could not stop crying, it made me really sad to even think I had to do this, but then I thought that every mom should do it just so we have something to tell them if we leave suddenly.

    Anyway, those are my thoughts, randie

  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited April 2009

    Hugs randie!

    My mom wrote letters like that to each of us when we were young adults! She was not dx'd with anything & there was nothing threatening any of us at the time....so I agree it is a good thing for all moms to do for their kids!

    In my church all the parents write a letter to their HS jr's when they go thru Confirmation class. It is usually VERY powerful when they read them; even the boys cry........My dd (youngest) will go thru the class next year-I never thought I'd be here to write those letters to my kids, but feel fairly confident I will have written to each of them when all is said & done!!!

    Be well & stay strong

  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited April 2009

    Saint.  Have seen both of those movies. P.S. I love you, really hit a nerve with me. It is why I started my journals for my boys.

    I have thought about writing letters to my good friends and siblings.

    hang in.

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