Getting organized before we die

Analemma

Since we have been talking about all the things that we want to do before we die, let's devote a thread to it.  That way, women can post when they think of something else to do, and we won't forget something.  I just can imagine lying on my death bed, and then thinking, "Oh, crap, I forgot to......"

I'm not planning on going soon, but with mets, things could go south in a hurry, and I've always been one to get organized early.

So, here's some of what I've been doing.

I've made a folder on my computer's desktop labeled "Photos of Mama" and I've gone through all the digital photos and put the best ones of me in there.  Also, I've bought a scanner and I'm putting the older photos of me in there.  I want a photo slideshow at my memorial service, and the photos will all be in one place.

Ditto with ITunes.  I've got a folder of music I want played.

I use Microsoft's One Note, and I've showed my husband how to get into it.  There's a folder with web site account and passwords, a list of credit card info.  A folder of recipes for his favorite foods.  A list of the names of the plants around the yard and which need to be dug in the fall and brought inside.

There's a to do list for him:

Change over the car titles.  Close my website.  Cash in my IRA.

Instructions on how to pay the bills online through the bank account.

I've heard that you should get at least 12 copies of the death certificate, because it's much harder to get them later.

At the end of last year, I filled out the medical power of attorney and living will, and sent them by email to my sons.  They also have the phone number to have my body picked up for donation to the Cleveland Clinic for research, with a reminder - don't let the funeral home touch it!

I've got copies of the four essays on grief that I posted here a few days ago, so they can read them later.

I've got poetry that I think tells something about what I've been thinking as I've traveled this mets road.

OK....... who's next???

Fitztwins

Why did you delete it?  it is a good idea.

What I am doing now:

I am cleaning house - getting rid of junk, clothes, stuff....I have a pile going to Goodwill at all times.  I am even selling some good stuff on ebay. The more that is gone, the better it will be for DH. He is horrible about this stuff.

I have a started a box

-with pictures (stuff to post)

- I  cut a CD of music I would like played

I am going to start a book of 'who gets what', I have had people make jokes about stuff they want, I don't find it offensive, and I would love to let folks have a 'piece' of me.

-I have copies off all of our insurance polices  

- I am going to put in a list of all of our bills that are direct payments

- Instructions on my Funeral arrangements

- I thought about making my own picture CD to play, LMAO...

badboob67

I don't have anything to post here now (mainly because I've been putting this stuff off).  I just wanted to mention that I looked for this post yesterday after Brenda said she was starting it and I couldn't find it. Hmmmmm....

dreamwriter

There are many forms that must be completed and therefore thought through in order to help our loved ones make the decisions appropriate for us.  Im leaving that with Analemma as she is going through a site with all the info.

One of the things I am adding is individual letters to my friends and relatives.  I have some 60 angels in my collection.  Wood ones from Mexico, glass blown, cheap pottery ones from the kids when they were younger.  So each angel will be numbered and the angel will be given with a letter.  The paper is blue sky with clouds and I found a cartoon angel I am using as a watermark.

Do you think that this is way too much?

Fitztwins

I don't think it is too much...

I would like to write individuals letters. I think if we do it now, instead of when the time is near. Easier to do.

Analemma

Hi, ladies.  I thought later on, after a lot of views and no posts, that the topic was maybe too uncomfortable.

At the end of last year, I filled out Living Will and medical Power of Attorney forms, and wrote some specific instructions about what to do with my body, and emailed them to all my sons so they each have a copy.  I have arranged for Cleveland Clinic to have my body for research, and they will come pick me up (I've sent the phone number to my boys) and use me as they will, then cremate my remains and return the ashes.  There is no charge for any of this.  I can't help it, I'm by nature frugal and they thought of how funeral companies prey on the bereaved infuriates me.

I don't want a religious service, just a party.  I hope that people will say nice things about me, and I'm thinking of requesting that everybody wear tie-dye.  I have been scanning photos, and I've got a folder with all the digital pictures so it's easy to build a slideshow.  And in ITunes I have a folder as well, with music to be played.

I'd like my ashes, when they are returned after a year or so, to be sprinkled on my gardens, or put into the compost pile (Black Gold, I call it).  I know, I know, I'm flaky, but I'm a gardener!  I really don't have strong feelings about it, I'll be dead, but I prefer to go back to the earth or water, not be kept in an urn.

I use One Note and I have several tabs with credit card information, websites with passwords, financial information, DH's favorite recipes, instructions on how to pay the bills through the bank's website.  There's a tab with gardening information that names the plants we've put in, and has directions on which have to be dug up or heavily mulched for winter.

There's a to do list for DH, with things like change over the car titles, change the bank accounts from joint to single ownership, close my pottery website.  I've left instructions on how to sell the pottery equipment, how much the stuff should bring, who to call locally for information about any of the chemicals or equipment.  There's a page with the information on sending a death certificate so my Student Loans can be forgiven, as they are contingent on that.  They are considered conditionally forgiven until my actual death, though I haven't been making payments since getting disability.

There's a tab with poetry that I've been reading a lot of as I went through this passage, that I hope will be a comfort to my family.  There are also copies of the four essays on grief that I had posted here and some other articles as well, about not just death, but things that are important in my life.

I've put all the information on warrenties and repairs for household equipment in a folder in the top of my file drawer.

I still have to make a list of who gets what, because I don't really have too much that's valuable, more sentimental.  And my sons aren't so sentimental, and my granddaughters are so young that it's hard to guess who might want what when they're grown.  I've thought about leaving my engagement diamond to my grandson, but he's only seven, and chances a really good that his bride won't even want his long dead grandmother's ring!!!  So, probably to one of my granddaughters.  What do y'all think?  And there's my mother's silver, which none of my sons nor DIL's have shown interest in.  I have a box of love letters from my father to my mother, written in the early '30's.  And I have my mother's family Bible, that's just over a hundred years old.  That's about it, except for furniture, and DH will keep that.  I do want to stipulate that it goes to our children when he dies, and not to some future wife!  The most value that we have is our property so there's not much for me to do about that.

I have been thinking about writing letters to my grandchildren, but haven't really thought about what they should say.  I've also thought about making each one of them a simple block quilt, but I'd have to get busy like last MONTH!

jeanne46

Just perusing the "new and improved" forum threads and I came upon this one. 

After reading the above posts, thought I'd throw in something a friend gave me shortly after I became stage IV.  It's called The Five Wishes document:           www.agingwithdignity.org/5wishes.html    

I actually got another one for my husband and we filled some of the forms out together.  It's very specific and helped me organize my thoughts.

I also decided (haven't done it yet) to take pictures of specific things I wanted given to friends/kids (the rest goes to my spouse in our living trust) lilsting where it came from or why it was important to me, and to keep that file either in our safe deposit box or filed with our attorney. As far as jewelry, I don't have much - but do want one or the other of my children to have specific pieces.  Big issue for me is however much I feel my husband should remarry and make the best of the rest of his life, I do NOT want my possible replacement or her offspring to have any of my inherited silver service, artwork or other inherited family pieces.  Have had a frank discussion with my husband about that and he is very understanding and clear about how I feel NOW.  I think I'll add a coda to my will that all inherited pieces go to my kids.

Brenda you are so extraordinarily organized re the warranty info, etc.  I pay all the bills but have shown my husband how I do it mostly on-line. That's about it.  I've begun to hand certain responsibilities over to him.  

My big dilemma is what I want done with my ashes.  Am waiting for an "aha" moment to make a decision.

I started to write letter to me kids.  They are unfinished on my computer.  I need a muse! 

marshakb

Analemma, I think you didn't get response at first because alot of us just pulled away from posting in the last couple of days.  This is a great idea/topic! 

Oh Lord, paying the bills!  My hubby has no idea.  Maybe I should start there, he probably doesn't even know the password for our online banking.  YIKES I never thought of that!

Analemma

Jeanne, I had read the five wishes website info, but Ohio is one of the ten states that the document isn't valid in.  However, I did get some of the ideas from there, when I wrote out my Living Will and Power of Attorney (which I downloaded and printed out, had notarized, and scanned into an attachment).

I find I can be very rational and almost detached in discussing all this dying stuff in email, but face to face I crumble and so what needs to be said doesn't get said.  So, I've had a lot of these discussions with my kids via email.  I can't imagine having to prepare younger children for this.  It breaks my heart to think of the women who do.

abbyglp

I think this is a great idea, I feel by looking death straight in the face it will be more scared of me than I am of it, so it will stay away longer. I have started the box, with special momentos but I do have to get to the legal stuff . I think this gives us some great ideas, I agree that it would be easier to get this all done now, so in the end we can just enjoy the time we have with our familys instead of worrying about all the things we wish we did.

VickiG

I'm trying to get organized... from a household standpoint, I'm trying to declutter, purge, etc.  I know it's ridiculous but I really do not want anyone having to struggle through all my crap saying "wow, she was a disaster!"  I recently took dh to the credit union to have him added onto the kids' accounts ~ it took quite a while for us to finally do that because he wasn't in the right place at first, then of course was right there in D'Nile w/ me, so I had to find the day he had a good balance lol.  As it turns out it was not as bad as I had anticipated... I just kept babbling things like "wow, I of course was the one to open their accts since I was home w/ them, and all these years I planned to have Kevin added, too, but just never made time, wow!"  Made me feel like we were just sort of "normal."  I have journals that I really would like to start writing in for each of the kids, Kevin, my parents, and my brothers... but I can't bring myself to start.  I think I worry about it being a self-fulfilling prophecy, that if I get too prepared to go it just might happen sooner.  Maybe that's what's keeping me from getting de-cluttered too quickly?  Nah, didn't think anybody would buy that, either lol.

Analemma

Oh, yes, the decluttering!  Last summer, as I was finishing up the carboplatin and taxotere, I started going through the basement where stuff has been accumulating for the 14 years we've been in this house.  Luckily, I was motivated because we were doing a church garage sale.  We literally packed a van and the back of my station wagon, and this was after a bunch of stuff had gone via "Freecycle."  I too hate that he will be stuck with all the mess after I'm gone, having to go through and decide what to keep and what to give away.

I want to leave notes to my DIL's that they are officially in charge of nagging DH to get his hair cut, buy new clothes, make his dentist appointments, and all that personal maintenance that I'm afraid he will neglect when he's on his own.  He just doesn't think of these things on his own.  As for cleaning, he will tidy up and vacuum, and do laundry, but doesn't dust or clean toilets.  I really will have to put my DIL's in charge of making sure he gets someone to do these things.

I know it's kind of dumb to worry about these kinds of things, yet I do!

saint

I went thru the huge declutter/purge/redecorate last summer. We FINALLY decided to do things to the house we'd put off---so we painted the interior & had carpet installed throughout! Now if THAT won't make ya clean NOTHING will---I cleaned & sorted for weeks! Took 3 van loads to Goodwill!...but it is already creeping back! You should see dd's closet!!!! OMG! LOL

I still need to check out those sites & get some of the other areas organized...our will is done & my retirement should be deposited in my acc't soon if it isn't already there. Next is paying for our "spots" the sweet man at the cemetery agreed to hold (even w/o a deposit!) I have very slowly & carefully given over almost all the other responsibilities to dh......

I really do need to make some lists! Reading here really helps me see issues I might have missed--thanx all.

Be well & stay strong 

VickiG

Wanna know something interesting/creepy (can't decide which)?  During the yr before my orig dx it kept running thru my subconscious mind:  "I need to get things in order because I am going to need somebody to come help me out in the near future and I really do not want Mom stroking out over all the chaos in which we live."  OK, I ignored that little voice, but I guess it knew what it was talking about.  When I went thru TAC Mom would stay w/ us for a few days, and after my surgery she & my aunt were here for a while.  Wierd, hm?

Fllorik

I can't imagine my husband taking over responsibilities at home. He isn't coping very well with this whole dying stuff. How slow did you transfer the responsiblilities to him?

scrappy_survivor

Although I don't have mets I too am preparing. I hope it is ok that I add some of my thoughts here.

Having 4 small children i don't want them to miss a minute of there mom but if it comes to that I want to be prepared.

I am starting to buy cards for their b-days & put them away. I will only sign them if that time comes. I am buying some other thigns too. For my girls I am buying the willow tree figure of the mom holding a baby for them to get when they ahve their 1st child. I am looking at things like that for graduation & weddings too.

I guess I figure I want to be ready if I get the news. If I am being insensitive posting when I am not stage IV please tell me and I will stop. I don't want to hurt any of you or cause trouble.

I must say I admire all of you.

Analemma

Momof4stars,

My husband and I have had this conversation several times.  I always said I wanted to die suddenly, without warning.  And he has always said that it's a gift to know, and to be able to plan.  Now, my philosophy always was, before cancer, that we should always live as though our life could end at any moment, so tell the people you love that you love them, and forgive the ones that you expect to forgive one day, and always be prepared when you go forth into the day, that THIS DAY might be the one that you leave.

But having cancer adds another dimension.  I thought I was living like that, I really did.  And then, when I got the dx, there was a new dimension that I saw.  I loved everyone more, and I spent less time on petty things, and my priorities changed.  And, practically, I understood that there were a lot of day to day things that I really didn't want to leave hanging.  Last year I started chemo the first week of January, and it probably looked, to one who didn't know me, like a very troubled year.  But I told my kids at Christmas (Solstice) that this was the year I learned to live abundantly.  Because there was a special poignancy about every single experience.

And look at Liam Neeson's (sp?) wife today.  She was skiing, and crashed, and may be brain-dead.  I wonder if she took the time each day, as I do with a cancer mets dx, to  breathe in and say, "I am blessed."

You are most welcome here.

saint

Florik--I had the "advantage" of being bed-ridden when I started passing jobs to him 3 years ago. My god, does that sound weird!? Anyway, we do lots of it together now, but I keep passing things his way-sometimes I just act like it is too much for me--other times I nag him to do them----I AM the princess, after all! I have slowly trained my whole family to take over almost everything I used to do! It is frustrating to know that no one will ever clean "under the rim" but I guess if that doesn't matter to them I can live (& die) with it! LOL

Welcome mom---I have no issues with WHO posts or reads here---You understand what we are doing-the necessity for all of us...I pray you never need to put these plans into action! HUGS 

analemma--I am so pleased to have the chance to get to know you better! I think we were separated at birth! So sad that his wife died--she didn't have the chance to plan & organize for this day...

HUGS all--be well & stay strong 

hollyann

Ok  I said I wouldn't post here and it wasn't my place but I just can't help myself.......My hat is off to all of you marvelous women......You are paving the way for all of the rest of us by leaving us a legacy of preparation for what is to come for us too .........I have gotten so much useful information here andyou have given me the courage to do what I must in my life to prepare my husband and daughter.....You have all shown me a strength I have never known......I am very blessed to know each and every one of you on this site......And I thank you all for your time and insight.......

Saint.....you truly are a saint in my book......Your heartfelt welcome and gentle guidance have been so precious to me...... When I was first diagnosed over 2 yrs ago you and ctg and zarowny gave me so much information and support I couldn't get anywhere else.......I am so grateful to you all......My wish for you all today is that you have a peaceful day full of everything you need when you need it as you need it plus a little more........I love you all very much.......

edited to add......Florik, my hubby can't handle it either...He is bi polar and is having a very difficult time even thinking I have cancer much less anything else......I try to help him as much as I can but with depression there is only so much a wife can do.....Hugs to you and your hubby...I pray he will learn to cope one day as I do for my hubby.....

saint

Again I say-welcome. I care NOT who posts or reads as long as we KEEP what Dream has so lovingly built here for us....but it is beginning to feel sacred & I am unsure of what the formula is that makes it so. I do NOT want ANY of us to loose what we've found here.

So I do have to say: 

I can't begin to understand WHY you come to this forum (we can keep friendships going on the other threads!) It is so opposite of what I would do/did & SO beyond my ken. After I was done with tx I focused on being done forever & lived my life without a backward glance! I LOVINGLY encourage nons to try to find your way to the same! LIVE your life! Why live with this cloud over your head by CHOICE??? When you allow the beast to occupy your daily life you may as well HAVE mets! 

PLEASE..........Not everyone gets mets. IF you do,THAT will be the time to prepare & organize IMO..........If I wore your shoes (& I SO wish I did) they would be carrying me to FUN & FAR from here. HUGS

Be well & stay strong 

Analemma

Saint, thanks for that.  I, too, never went to the palliative board, or even to the mets (now Stage IV) board until I had mets.  In fact, one I was treated in 2005, I left the boards almost completely because I thought it was the best way to get past my cancer and get on with my life.  When I came back in fall of 07 and people on the mets board were talking about dying, it really, really freaked me out!  I thought then that the appropriate place to talk about dying was the palliative board.  And now, I think it's appropriate to be here to talk about these issues that are, honestly, scary even for the mets board.

So, I hope that we don't start getting advice here from women who are not walking the graveyard shift with us, because I don't have much patience for that.  And I'm not too keen on gawkers, either.  But, sometimes women really do want to know all the possibilities and be prepared for them, and I don't want to take that away.  Yet. 

But, the forum does say ONLY for women trying to die well, or something like that.  So, we'll see.

You have to admit, we're a pretty interesting lot, dontcha think?

saint

Oh YEAH---kinda like a car wreck---ya just GOTTA take a look! LOL

But in fairness- I have had a few nons confess they come here--they want to understand us better & that is legit in my book!

HUGS ALL! 

scrappy_survivor

Saint, I can totally see your point. For me growing up it was not IF I would get cancer but WHEN & WHAT kind... my family is sadly riddled with it. Then when I got breast cancer I thought ok I can beat this. Then when it grew like wild fire in just 6 weeks & when I heard I was triple negative I got scared. Then my onc said. 25% chance no matter what we do this is coming back. You see I had to fight to be dxed because they told me it was a fibroid. I had to fight to get the biopsy that was unneccessary. I can't decide now if I am drawn to these boards because my gut tells me it too is in my future or because I am just scared. Either way I want to be prepared & think that you ladies are simply amazing & awe inspiring. If I can learn from you it will help to LIVE each day to the fullest. Yesterday I asked my 9 year old daughter if there was anything she could do with mommy what would it be. I did not say to her, just in case I won't be here, but that is why I asked. So she told me some things she would love to do with mommy. I will now make sure as many of them as I can happen (some cost too much lol). Cancer has given me a new perspective. You ladies give me an even deeper perspective & respect too. I am sorry if I have offended. I don't mean too, honest I don't & I am not here to gawk or say I am glad it is not me. The very real reality is that it could be one day. I am simply here to learn & love &  appreciate & support if that is ok. If however you rather I not post I won't. To me though not posting would mean I am simply gawking becuase I would still read. IT is about preparation too. If the worst comes this way I will be better able to handle it. If I can make a difference in even one of your lives with my support, that is an added benefit. There may come a day where I am comfortable not thinking about this so often... but so far it is no where close to being in my future.

scrappy_survivor

Yes Saint, I too want to understand better. How can one offer true support if they can't try to understand (full understnding only comes with being in that person's shoes) & you can't have true comapssion without trying to understand either. At least that is how I see it.

saint

HUGS mom----please don't misunderstand my post--I NEVER would tell anyone they are not welcome. This is not a private club! IF it were I would NEVER have applied for membership! LOL

I am not the thread police & I do my utmost not to judge (but I DO try to understand)....that being said--I can't say I speak for everyone or that others won't disagree with me! I feel for your situation!

HUGS AGAIN! 

saint

To further clarify-

MANY metsters here want a place where they can just BE! To let down our hair without a care---that is what this has been for so many when it couldn't be found elsewhere. I hope you understand what I am trying to say-- the conversation here needs to stay focused as it HAS been in order for this to succeed----that is all I'm saying--I do NOT want strife here! BIG HUGS

 

scrappy_survivor

I promise not to stray the conversation. HUGS to & all with mets Saint. Please do let your hair down. I wonle not want to change that or anything about the thread. It is so honest & that is wonderful.

Judiiiii

Saint, yes, indeed, you are a saint.  I shall try to learn from you and others.  I am getting deeper and deeper into a depression and I came to this thread today to read posts from only those at a similar place as I am in this journey.  It comforts me to be surrounded by those who journey as I.  Only them.  Knowing that, unfortunately, they will truly understand. 

While I am so happy for those not Stage IV - truly I am - I am not comforted by what they write.  Not today.  Not on this thread.  Maybe tomorrow.  I know they mean well - who would not - but it hurts so bad.  So bad.  And I am sorry.  Tears. 

If anyone can think of a way to help me not feel this way, I'd be grateful for any suggestions.  Otherwise, please just consider this as the ramblings of a woman who is so overwhelmed and scared.  And sad.  So very sad.  And I am, embarrassed to admit, envious of those not Stage IV.  Perhaps therein lies my problem.  I wish you well, I truly do.  And please don't think that I am suggesting you not post here.  I just don't know what to do with these feelings.

Take care all and I do apologize.  Just in a very bad place right now.  Judi

Fllorik

I think this weekend is a good time to start with "my list!" I will just do a little at a time. My mind seems clearer the weekend before my next treatment. So it's back to scrolling down and taking notes!

Analemma

Judii,

I was just on my home page and realized that three of my "favorite members" are gone and I really, really hate to delete them.  Do you remember JoAnn?  She died just about a year ago, and she always knew the right thing to say.

http://community.breastcancer.org/member/35490/profile

And then, I was looking through JoAnn's posts and came to where Alaska Deb was first dx with mets.  Oh, my... what a year it's been. 

And it's probably, statistically, much like any other year.  It's just that this year I was paying attention.

Judiiiii

Analemma, Yes I remember JoAnn.  She was truly lovely.  I think that I signed up to bc.org at around the time she quit treatment.  It was so sad, but she was so dignified.  I had a hard time with it and stopped coming to bc.org.  That's such a hard part of these wonderfully supportive websites.  I went to a get-together in Chicago some years back with a group from bcmets.org.  There were about 10 of us and more than half have died.

BTW, I used to live in DC and when I came back to Michigan to visit, I'd always stop at some bakery in Cleveland, as they had the most wonderful cinnamon raisin bread.   Ring any bells?

Allowing myself just one more hour of my bad funk and will at least make my bed.  Baby steps.

Take care....   Judi