Getting organized before we die

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited March 2009

    Judi,

    Did we meet in Brighton for Lunch (with a bunch of others)? I don't remember if you were there.

    I am about 2 1/2 hours from you. Just curious. My memory is crap.

    hang in. I sent you a PM.

    Janis

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited March 2009

    I loved Joanne.

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  • Judiiiii
    Judiiiii Member Posts: 418
    edited March 2009

    Thanks a bunch, Fitz.  Not me in Brighton.  I PM'd you back.  Thanks so much.  Take care....   Judi

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  • scrappy_survivor
    scrappy_survivor Member Posts: 149
    edited March 2009

    Fitz whee in MI are you?? I live in Windsor just across the border I am in MI often.

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  • WingsofHope
    WingsofHope Member Posts: 497
    edited March 2009

    This is a good topic.  I just started trying to get everything in order.  I figure do it now, and then not worry about it.

    Have to do my beneficiary papers over and get copies of all my policies etc. 

    I am still trying to understand the power of attorney thing.  I need to do a will and living will....... 

    So much to do.  At least it's not depressing me like I thought it would.

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  • jeanne46
    jeanne46 Member Posts: 1,941
    edited March 2009

    I found that doing the paperwork and making sure all the beneficiary stuff was in place was the easy part.  Trying to decide on what music/readings/structure I want for my funeral is much more difficult. I keep changing my mind.  Then there's the question of what to do with my ashes.  Maybe I will consult with my kids (adult age).

    It is important to have copies of your Advanced Health Care Directives (as specific as possible) with your doc, hospital, caregiver(s) and whoever else might require such.  My Dad recently died and when I presented the Directives to the nurse when he was in the hospital, she told me they weren't specific enough.  So, I went over a new version with him and we updated it.  If you have one already, make sure it's updated to include specifics. In my Dad's case we also had his attorney make it official.  I'm not sure how official the Directives have to be.  I do think that the appointed person with Power of Attorney for Health Care must be notarized.

    Meanwhile I'm having my Book Club group at my house in 35 minutes.  It's so unreal to go from death planning to everyday life stuff.  And I haven't straightened up the den yet! 

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  • LisaSDCA
    LisaSDCA Member Posts: 2,230
    edited March 2009

    This was the link some ladies had asked me to repost for inspiration about organization.

    http://resources.atcmhmr.com/poc/center_index.php?id=174&cn=174

    It covers legal affairs, financial affairs, coming to terms with one's own impending death (or that of a loved one), types of care available to one who is dying, etc. I think, as Brenda noted also, that the introductory essay is useful simply for its point of view.

    Jeanne - I did have an attorney draw up a new Adv. Healthcare Directive for me when she took care of my Trust and other stuff. In CA it does need to be witnessed and notarized. However, it does not need to be very specific at all. You just give the right to make all decisions for healthcare (including whether or not to take heroic measures) to your appointed person when/if you choose or when your specified MD (or MDs) determine you are unable to make these decisions for yourself. There is a very brief form where one can mostly check the boxes.

    I had to call up my sister (my designee) and make sure she did not intend to take too literally the wording "I do not want my life to be prolonged if I have an incurable and irreversible condition that will result in my death ..."  Uhm, I'm pretty much there already! Tongue out

    Enjoy your Book Club! What was your selection this time?

    Lisa

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  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited March 2009

    Judiii----BIG HUGS--your post is EXACTLY what I was referring to! We need to feel safe; folded in the arms of our mets-sistas when we post these feelings..I will PM you.

    Tho I know how this feels, I don't have a magic answer. I will tell you what I do for myself----I force myself to DO something by a certain time. Making your bed was a good example. Then I make another goal--take a shower; get dressed...I KNOW when I indulge myself on a bad day & stay in bed I am treading on unsafe territory! My dh has made my room into a complete dwelling (I call it my safe cave)--the bathroom is across the hall. All I need is a fridge & microwave & I'd never have to leave it again!! That was good when I HAD to be in bed most of the time, but now it is often a tempting danger for me. I think we NEED to feel a purpose to keep healthy, mentally. That can be hard when you don't have the energy or strength or just plain feel low down blue &/or scared sh*tless! So many times it is NOT a physical problem for me, but solely head! Somedays I just feel like I deserve to stay in bed.........I do, but, "how often?" is the question.

    My saving grace has been volunteering at the animal shelter. IF I can't make it I don't have to (I don't really even have to call) but IF I feel crappy & go anyway I ALWAYS feel better being with those orphans...........I get a huge fur-therapy & it works for me... USUALLY....but sometimes it's hard to get out of a funky state of being!

    I don't want to sound like a dolt here or over-simplify a complex problem! My sisters get angry at me if I try to haul them out of the blues, so I don't know if my suggestion is insulting to ALL others or just them! I get razzed by them all the time for being a "Pollyanna" so maybe what they consider a curse is my gift....... 

    What does everyone else do when you need to haul yourself up?

    HUGS-be well & stay strong 

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  • Judiiiii
    Judiiiii Member Posts: 418
    edited March 2009

    Thanks, Saint.  And thanks for the PM.  I don't know the answer.  I do know that I am spending way too much time here.  There should be more to my life than BC.  I am now considering this week a blow off.  But I am hoping that in an hour or so, I shall put this computer to bed and at least straighten out this mess of a bedroom.  Considering that I've been on the bed all day everyday this week, I still managed to make a big mess.  How does that happen?  Sigh.

    I am so very thankful for people like you who volunteer at animal shelters.  I tried it once, but cried all the way home.  I just could not do it.  I think the animals could sense my sadness, too, and I surely didn't want that.

    I am going to try to not be so hard on myself.  If I force myself to do something, I end up doing a half butt job, so there's no point.  I don't know what the answer is.  But I thank you for the thoughts.  They really help.  But it's up to me.  No one is going to come over and make me get outta bed and do something.  Do I really want to waste yet another day?  No.

    Again, these are just more ramblings from a woman who is scared and overwhelmed.  And I thank everyone for this place.  Where I feel safe.  Hoping I soon get tired of writing the same things over and over again.

    Take care all....   Judi

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  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Member Posts: 1,879
    edited March 2009

    Thank you all for  these threads. I need to do so many things, but feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. You gals have given me some great ideas and great starting points.

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  • jeanne46
    jeanne46 Member Posts: 1,941
    edited March 2009

    Lisa - the problem with my Dad's Advanced Directives is that I, as the one with the Power of Attorney, didn't have all the details from my Dad.  So we went over the stuff.  Did he want to be resuscitated (he said yes - I did not know that), did he want fluids and a feeding tube, or just the fluids or neither (didn't know that one either).  But in case I wasn't there when that kind of decision had to be made, the nurse told me the hospital needed a more specific set of directives. Maybe the form you referred to in your recent post is such that only needs to have boxes checked and includes those details.  His first set basically said, "no heroics. no respirator."

    As to the Book Club (yes, we also have some normalcy left) we read "Beneath a Marble Sky" - a fictional account of the building of the Taj Mahal.  I just finished reading "The Commoner" another fiction based on fact about the Chrysanthemum Throne (Japan) and the two princes who married commoners.  That was a fabulous book.  I borrowed it froma friend or would bring it to you at Ki's.

    Saint - I like the idea of setting goals - achievable ones to be sure - like getting out of bed by a certain time, making the bed, getting dressed, etc.  I find if I just set small goals and in doable amounts, I feel really good about finishing them.  I just never know when I should push myself and when to give myself a break.  Especially the 3-5 days after chemo.  

    Judi - I don't know how, but I can literally stay in bed all day and end up with a mess.  It's kind of like dirt and me in white clothing - put on the clothing and the dirt just happens!! 

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  • mason204
    mason204 Member Posts: 570
    edited March 2009

    I've been lurking for a while.  Haven't felt well enough (post chemo infusion funk) to string together something adequately coherent to add to this thread until now.

    Okay, I've got almost 2 weeks until my next treatment and so the rat race to catch up and get things done is on.  Man, this sounds so involved - I don't even know where to start.  I guess calling up a funeral home and making an appointment is a good first step.  Need to find a lawyer and get a will drawn up.  I'm the person who puts off doing taxes because I HATE paperwork so much.  My take on this has always been - just do it, then forget about it.  Of course, 5 years later, I'm still "thinking" and haven't been "doing".  I also have to make arrangements for my mom who is 82 and in long-term care.  Uggh.

    Are there any Canadians in this thread who've done this.  My guess is the laws are different.

    Geez, edited to note:  I just found a document the long-term care facility gave me for my mom.  It has a list of 92 things that must be done when a death occurs.  I guess I should sit down and start reading...

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  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited March 2009

    One day at a time ladies, one day at a time. Try to get everything settled all at once can be incredibly overwhelming, its also easy to get sucked into being so focused on having EVERYTHING taken care of that you miss all the good stuff, the fun things, feeding the soul and creating memories for children, family and yourself. I think there is a balance (although I have not found it yet) to it all. It can be as easy as starting to write things down in a notebook- thoughts and wishes for funerals, services, things to be done, where things are, phone #s, account #s, passwords etc.

    sorry for rambling. 

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited March 2009

    That's why I love One Note on my computer.  Whenever I remember something, or get a suggestion on this board, of see a beautiful poem, I can open it up and add it.  You could do the same thing just keeping a little notebook handy.  Even if you didn't get around to organizing all the thoughts, it would all be in one location.

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  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited March 2009

    whats One Note?

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited March 2009

    Sorry, EWB, it's a Microsoft program that comes as part of the Office Home and Student package, and probably by itself.  But it works like a notebook, and you can take "screen shots" from web pages and paste in there, arrange stuff like in a notebook with tabs, place your cursor and start typing anywhere on the page.  It's handy.  You can arrange notes like in a spreadsheet, and have active links.  You can password protect individual sections, or the whole notebook.  You can "print" to the notebook from your computer, which is really handy.  So, once you have the program, it comes up as a printer choice whenever you print from any other program.

    BTW, I get nothing from Microsoft for promoting their product!

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  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited March 2009

    I have found a site that is extremely good for Canadian content.  Laws regarding what and when we can or cant do with human remains change from country to country.  Here is the address:

    Canadian Virtual Hospice:  www.virtualhospice.ca

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  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited March 2009

    It has been 17 months since I was diagnosed with mets.  My onc actually told me I probably had a short time to live because some of my lesions were located in my chest near my heart and aorta.  Needless to say I am still alive and kicking or you wouldn't be reading this:)

    I married and had my children young (fortunately as it turned out) so today they are all married, and I have 7 young grandchildren.  I decided to put together a book for each of my grandchildren full of pictures and stories about their lives from "nana's" view.  Most of the pictures are are of them with me and/or my DH.  In each case I am the only grandmother they have so I want them to know how much they were loved by me.  I hate leaving them without a grandmother.  My Nana played such an important role in my life.  In any evert, I have over 100 pictures of each, along with some fun stories, each grandchild will have their own memory book.

    Now I am beginning special books for my own children.  Photos and stories of their lives...most that will bring smiles.  I did have jewelry remade ....a piece for each child and grandchild.  I think someday the boys will love giving such a gift to the woman they love. 

    I have started cleaning out my house.  UGH.  I truly want to sell it and move into a condo if possible' for my DHs sake.  He will never move once I am gone, and the house will go to "rack and ruin".  He is simply not a person that maintains.  I love him dearly, but he is a procrastinator to the tenth degree.  Somebody here mentioned freecycle.  I just signed up and feel great about giving so much to people who need/want it. 

    I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and don't believe that person I see is really me.  The only thing I recognize is my need to take care of those I am leaving behind.  Isn't that ridiculous?  I must be a control freak, but I don't seem to be able to just quit.

    I try to do a little every day.  If it makes me too said, I quit. Often when I start writing about my kids I end up laughing and calling them to remind them of how naughty they were.  LOL

     The financial crisis has really hurt my plans.  I'm glad we all went to Alaska last year.  I was hoping to take another cruise this spring, but I am feeling to broke.  Maybe after we sell the house (may feel even "broker" after that)LOL

    I have done all the legal things, but have problems that I'll address in another post.

    Hugs to all.

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  • LynnW
    LynnW Member Posts: 191
    edited March 2009

    Judi, I too know how you feel I really do but it seems to fade after a while. The women without met probably feel the same way about the women that aren't dx yet and come back to say it was all false alarm.  Its all different levels of the staircase I think.  Depends on how far up you've climbed. Don't feel like a monster for feeling this way. Your human. You aren't suppose to be the picture perfect terminal cancer patient.  I've decided I am who I am and dealing with it all the best I can. I'll go out kicking and screaming because thats just me. lol 

    As for the organized part... I live in Canada and I simplye mailed my local funeral home who sent me 3 quotes by email to look over. I'll write back in a few weeks and confirm one of them.  They don't need any money for 30 days after the funeral from my hubby. No deposit.  Its all very simple. At least her in my area.  It made me feel very good to get this crap out of the way.  I keep urging my husband to get the lawyer to write up that my portion in the new house goes to him when I pass.  He hasn't done it yet.  The hardest thing I've had to do is I'm pushing my 17 year old to get a job or get his credits in shcool.  I told him his bipolar Dad who drinks is not going to be there for him and he has to prepare to fend for himself. My new husband will not support him because he's stolen from us and smokes pot and drinks and lies out both sides of his mouth and skips school daily. Lost his first job after a month.  I've done everything to encourage and try to get him to get on the right path but he fights me every step.  So now its down to the reality that he has to do this in order to survive after I'm gone and its something I need to know hes doing in order to die peacefully.  One step at a time girls,, one step at a time.

    love you

    Lynn

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  • Judiiiii
    Judiiiii Member Posts: 418
    edited March 2009

    Thanks, Lynn.  I appreciate your thoughts.  Still in a funk, but getting better, I guess.  Definitely not spending so much time on the boards.  I thank you for the help!  Take care....   Judi

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  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited March 2009

    what is freecycle?

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited March 2009

    Elaine,

    Freecycle is an online group that connects people who have stuff to give away directly with those who need it.

    I have given away so much stuff - all sorts of things from books, clothing, fish tanks, stereo speakers, old kitchen counters, used doors, to freezer burned meat when I was cleaning my freezer - to someone who was looking for meat for her dogs!  The great thing is that people come and take it - you don't have to haul it somewhere, unless you want to.  You don't get to take a tax deduction, but you have direct communication with the person who takes your stuff so you know that they need it.

    Brenda 

    http://www.freecycle.org/

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  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited March 2009

    Thanks Brenda- I love that idea, I hate to throw things out but so many non profits just don't have the storage space, esp when so many people are doing the same thing; I am trying to clean out, purge, downsize 24 yrs of marriage to a pack rat :D.

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  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited March 2009

    Elaine, Just go to freecycle.org and search for a town/city in your area.  sign up and whenever you have something you want to give away just follow the directions.  So easy, and I often just leave whatever I am giving away on the open front porch for the person who "won it" by being first to say yes in an email.  I admit I also have taken a few special things for my grandkids to have this summer in the pool.  Give a lot, take a little is my motto ;)

    Carol

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited March 2009

    Elaine, One thing I have learned is that you don't have to give it to the first person who responds.  I did that a few times, only to have someone reply a couple of hours later, who really had more of a need, but didn't happend to be sitting by their computer when the post came up.  I also have a pet peeve, and that is people who answer something like "when can I pu?"  instead of actually writing out a sentence to say why it should go to them.  I had a couch and got about thirty replies in ten minutes, promised it to the first, and then that afternoon got an email from a teacher in an inner city school who is trying to put a reading corner in her room.  I felt bad!  But I learned that it is up to YOU who you give to!

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  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited March 2009

    Good to know. Thank you. I am going to check it out this afternoon.

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  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited March 2009

    I do think that is a good idea.  I will change my ways!

    Carol

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  • VickiG
    VickiG Member Posts: 536
    edited March 2009

    LynnW I love reading everything you write... you have such a great perspective on so many things that go through my mind, and I'm guessing through all of ours.  Like your comment about the staircase, just depends on where each of us is in our climb.

    NYCarol I love about the jewelry & books for the kids.  I have come closer to journaling for everyone in my family (kids, hubby, parents, and brothers) but actually buying the journals but haven't taken the step to start writing... as much as I love to write, I have not been able to do that through this whole thing so far.  Everyone has given my journals, I got journals with Lydia bags, and recently when I stopped by our Breast Health Center to say hi to my friend there and pick up more copies of our calendar (I'm Miss September this year!!!) to send to family & friends, my friend asked if I needed more journals too... er, no thanks, I have plenty of completely blank ones lol.  But I'll take the calendars ha ha.

    As for organizing the house... believe it or not, we're seriously considering moving, but to a BIGGER house.  We like our house, but the MBR is upstairs & at some point that just won't work well for me.  We have semi-converted our living room into a guest room for when the grandparents (most often my mom) visit or come to help... but that's fine for very short stays because it's also the computer/sewing etc. room, and not much privacy etc.  Oh, and no full bath downstairs, so they need to share w/ the kids ~ no, not a huge deal, but eventually I know we will need to have something that can better accommodate my parents/ILs when they will need to be helping more.  We'd rather do something NOW rather than wait until we're in a panic mode.  What we really need is a house w/ a basement ~ something where they can have their own suite, not just a room.  The good news is the housing market sucks so it's a good time to buy a house; the bad news is the housing market sucks so it's a terrible time to sell our house!  I found a house that would be perfect for us... MBR on the main level, kids' beds upstairs, and a full finished basement w/ 5 more rooms, full bath, and kitchenette.  It needs some TLC but dh is very handy & my dad LOVES a good house project!  The best thing is it has incredible closets & storage ~ something my house is painfully lacking.  It's kind of overwhelming thinking of making big changes right now though... but whatever I do/don't do, I just want to make life as easy as possible for my family during/after my eventual decline.  I guess before we can do anything else, though, we really need to get things in better order here.  We have such limited storage & too much stuff... a big part of he pblm is ME!  I used to have an internet biz selling baby/mama things... started off cloth dipes, then evolved into slings & nursing apparel, and next thing I knew I carried jammies & baby clothes, too.  I closed that biz a while back but still have inventory... which takes up precious space, not to mention the $ that's tied up in it... so I need to get my butt in gear & get that stuff sold... both the space & the $ will be nice!

    Gotta go hop in the shower, MRI in 45 min.

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  • mason204
    mason204 Member Posts: 570
    edited March 2009

    Thanks, dreamwriter, for the link I'm glad I visited this thread.  It gave me the motivation I needed to "get moving" on some stuff I've been putting off for a long, long time.  Regardless of my outcome, I'm glad to get this ball rolling because my hubby and I have been meaning to "get our houses in order" long before my diagnosis of cancer.  Since my post, I've put all my important documents together into a safety deposit box at the bank.  Already I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  We also have an appointment next week to see a lawyer to get BOTH our wills done and any powers of attorney that are required.  Estate planning, I suppose you could call it.  Two visits to the lawyer and we're done.  I thought it would be a heck of a lot more work.  Still have more to do but I'll get to it.

    In a former life, I was a wills and estates secretary, it was such a long time ago, you think I should know better.

    For me, this is one step at a time.  Smile

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited March 2009

    You know, people think it's morbid to plan for your death, but everyone should be doing this, even those in perfect health.  What makes it seem morbid is that we can't justify postponing it.  I do like the feeling of having things in order, though, sort of like when I've just cleaned the closet.

    Hmmm, I should probably clean the closet.

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