I need a mentor

Granny & Saint,

You gals are SUPERB in how you were able to minister to Held in her moment of despairing over her parents' lack of understanding. 

Held - PRAISE GOD that you have come so far in just a year's time.  I, too, had a bilateral mastectomy back in December 1999 along with reconstruction in the same surgery.  I was on the table for 7 hours.  I remember how frightened I was of so many of the unknowns I was facing.  But with the help of my husband, church family and wonderful aftercare nurses, I got through it.  The toughest struggle for me emotionally was the 2 & 1/2 week window I had to choose my course of treatment after being diagnosed.  You can check out my clinical history I have provided in detail in the thread called "Ixempra - My Experience."  But when I was going through the decision-making process on which course to pursue, I remember how alone, rattled, terrified, yet diligent I had to be in researching everything I could to make the best educated choice for me at the time. It was such an intense stream of mixed up emotions I was experiencing to the point of feeling as though I were about to lose it at any given moment on more than one occasion.  When the cancer recurred back in late spring/early summer of 05, all those feelings came back again threatening to engulf me.  But thank the good Lord that I could cling to Him, my husband & my oncologist to help see me through getting back into the battle.

Regarding your father, Held - I agree with Saint about showing his love for you by trying to "fix it."  I see it in my hubby as well.  He wants so much to "fix it" by taking it from me if he could, but he can't and it makes him feel so helpless.  I think he goes through more emotional pain sometimes than I do because I know it hurts him so deeply to watch me deal with it and he certainly doesn't want to see me suffer.  I think your father is feeling that same sense of despair and helplessness, especially since you are his child.  But that doesn't mean that his way of reaching out to you is right for you.  It's ok to seek out support from others who are walking with you in the same shoes.

Everyone here is extremely supportive and so caring. You have found a very valuable resource in the comforting arms reaching out to you through this forum.  Each woman sharing here is a special gem of God's blessing that He has provided you.  Embrace these blessings boldly and imagine yourself feeling the healing balm of being cradled and gently rocked by everyone here.

I would also like to say a special Thank You to OnEaglesWings for her detailed presentation of the gospel.  Sometimes, we need to be reminded of the foundational understanding of the origins of our faith. She did a fabulous job in laying out those foundational truths about what it really means to be saved and walking in a personal, intimate relationship with our precious Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.  I find that when I revisit the choice I made to walk with Him, it helps bring me back toward center and allows me to focus more on the bigger picture.  So thank you so much, OnEaglesWings, for taking the time to lay it all out for us when we need to refer back to something to hold us steady.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend and BE BLESSED!

All my best....

Oh, Held. I'm sitting here in the airport and the tears are falling onto my laptop. What an amazing post above. I'm so proud of you...... what courage, what conviction, what a delicate balance of what you need and what your parents can offer.

Now tape record the sentiment above. Play it back to yourself, for those occaisions when you may 'forget' what you want them to know/do for you.

As to the attending of church...... I am the child of a pastor, so Sunday morning growing up there were no alternatives to sitting in the pew. But as I have gotten older, and because my work has me in airports on Sunday mornings etc etc., I have given myself the grace of worshiping around the clock and thruout the calendar.

I personally don't believe in 'guilt' applying to church attendance. I'd encourage you to let yourself out of that doghouse, too.

Congratulations. I think the interaction with your mom above, was a real break-through..... for you!!! Her response isn't nearly as significant as your taking charge of yourself.

whoooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooofor-youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Held. I'm sitting here in the airport and the tears are falling onto my laptop. What an amazing post above. I'm so proud of you...... what courage, what conviction, what a delicate balance of what you need and what your parents can offer.

Now tape record the sentiment above. Play it back to yourself, for those occaisions when you may 'forget' what you want them to know/do for you.

As to the attending of church...... I am the child of a pastor, so Sunday morning growing up there were no alternatives to sitting in the pew. But as I have gotten older, and because my work has me in airports on Sunday mornings etc etc., I have given myself the grace of worshiping around the clock and thruout the calendar.

I personally don't believe in 'guilt' applying to church attendance. I'd encourage you to let yourself out of that doghouse, too.

Congratulations. I think the interaction with your mom above, was a real break-through..... for you!!! Her response isn't nearly as significant as your taking charge of yourself.

whoooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooofor-youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I too am a pastor's daughter.  When I told my dear COGIC father that I had cancer, he talked to me abou keeping my faith.  Then he started in my not needed to get implants.  I did the right things and didn't tell him off, but was thinking, there is no way that i will end up walking around for the rest of my life with false boobs.  He told me that I could get falsies that you wear like a bra and since I wear a bra anyway, it won't matter. 

He didn't think about me being a young single 52 year old.  Only the fact that he didn't want me to be vain. 

Thanks for the prayer above.  I am going to print it and put it where I can see it daily.

Trina,

Isn't it amazing how much wisdom comes with age.  I start each day thinking lord keep you hand on my mouth because I want to tell everybody exactly how I feel, but age has given me to courage to smile and do what I need to for myself. 

When I finish this journey, I am going to have myself a big party and let them all know that I am strong and survivor. 

The words of the good intention can sometimes hurt more than those of everyone else.  We somehow expect those who are suppose to love of and be close to us to be the kindest when they are usually the most cruel.  This is a lesson that only comes with time.;

thank god for the internet and onlline classes.  I spend most of my wake hours on the computer.  I enrolled in a master's program right before my diagnosis.  It has been good to be able to take the classes on line since I am going thru all of this surgery.  It does keep my mind focused on something other than my woes. 

It is good to meet someone else who has been around the block. 

God Bless Good intentions:

I just went down stairs and tried to explain to a man what i am feeling and how this surgery has made me feel unnatural.  It took all my strength not to start crying as he went into his "you are so blessed" mode.  Lord help me find the balance between being thankful for being cancer free and not feeling like a complete woman with scabs where my nipples use to be. 

I ask my friend today a question about the location of my old nipples and expressed concern because they now are on the bottom.  My statement was I hope the new ones don't face the floor.  This was my next lecture.  When I commented on his tone, I knew it was time to come back to the computer. 

Why are men so hard to understand what we feel during this time.  He went over all my past surgeries and asked me why is this different than the hysterectomy.  When I couldn't explain, he told me I was stressing myself out unnecessarily. 

I will be so glad when I come to the end of this and I can feel whole and complete again.

Ahhh Held--the BEST way to learn ANYTHING is to teach it!!! You have so much to bring to the lessons---never doubt that! Don't run away like Jonah or you may end up in the belly of a whale! LOL    When I teach I feel they teach ME. I get more than I can ever give!!! 

It isn't just the example! Being rasied Catholic we were always told you MUST attend EVERY week. I once asked a priest friend how he could justify that--he gave me a wonderful explanation:

Our faith lessons from Jesus teach us to come together to worship. We come for community.If I am not there he would miss me-----Isn't that a good way to look at it????  We all have an "obligation" to each other to create that worship community. EACH person would be missed by someone! Our presence is required by others who need us. We may be there to give someone something they will not receive if we don't go.......  Living across the street from the church I can remember storms that kept MOST ppl away. When we went it felt so odd & cold not to have others sitting in their usual seats ....even ppl we don't know, but recognize in their "places"....

HUGS Held---you will figure out what works for YOU. 

Pinky--wish we lived closer----you need your sisters around ya right now! Ask him how he would feel if he had to have a surgery on his penis that allowed him to live-and still pee-but left him feeling UGLY & not "him" anymore!!!! Sorry I couldn't resist suggesting that solution! 

Be well & stay strong 

I've not been posting much lately because my treatments are making me so tired, but I have been reading. I am so thankful for you all and for all your insight. I am so glad that the Lord has brought us together. He knows what we need and makes sure we get it!

I am so sorry that so many are struggling with insensitive people and the rigors of surgeries and treatments. I am sorry that any of you has longed for a reassuring hug and kind word, only to get "preached" at and made to feel like your feelings are wrong. They aren't! We all know that, no matter what, cancer is one of the most difficult experiences one can encounter. Those of us who have been touched by it understand. Better than that: GOD UNDERSTANDS. He has a purpose for what we are all going through--a purpose that is ultimately for the good. Even in our darkest hours, He is there working. 

I look back on so many difficult times in my life and realize that perhaps some of them were things I needed to go through in order to be a blessing to someone else. Being able to help someone else who is suffering is truly a gift. Being able to say, 'I've been there...done that. I understand," is a gift both for me and for the person I am connecting with. Sometimes, we are able to have a real impact on someone's life by commiserating about our experiences...and we may never know just how great an impact it was! My oldest ds and I have talked about it so many times: When he's asked the "Why am I here? What's my purpose?" sort of questions, we talked about the fact that the smallest gesture or kind word can mean so much to someone who is struggling.  We try not to miss opportunities to exercise kindness and compassion. I sometimes wonder if his dealing with having a mom with stage IV cancer is happening so he can be blessed later on by connecting with someone else who is in similar circumstances.

I am so blessed! Please know that you all are always in my prayers!

((((HUGS))))
Diane

i'm another toasted, faith-filled friend.........

last night when i read your post, Diane, i was truly moved by your words.

thank you

i was afraid if started typing i'd start crying........ i'm not gonna let myself go back and read it tonight, cuz i'm seriously fried

will read and appreciate upon returning home.........

prayers of strength for all gathered round

You got it, sweetie! I'm going to add a bit of practical advice because I've suffered from insomnia since I was a little girl. If you can, try some MELATONIN. I take 6 mg MELATONIN every night along with 50 mg BENADRYL. 3mg of MELATONIN should work for you and you might not even need to add the BENADRYL. The good thing about the MELATONIN is that there is no "hangover" feeling with it the next day. I've tried lots of prescription and non-prescription remedies over the years and this one really works for me.

I know how you feel and am sending up prayers that you are able to get the rest you need!

((((HUGS))))
Diane

I've fount MELATONIN at Wal-Mart and various pharmacies like Walgreen's and CVS. It comes in tablets as little as 1mg. A bottle of 50 or so is usually less than $10. When I first started taking it, 1mg wasn't enough so I moved up to 3mg. I've only had to up it to 6mg since cancer and all the garbage that comes with it. The 3mg worked for me for at least 10 years.

(((HUGS)))
Diane

Good morning, HELD: It's 4:12 a.m. and I am up as usual. Eight hours straight sleep seems like ancient history. I go to bed early, wake up and do things until I get sleepy again. Like you, I find something to eat: tryptophan(?), as in pasta, poultry or milk products seems to help.  I guess that's why my mom used to give me warm milk at night. (Can't stand the stuff now, but I do like yogurt and ice cream -- ice cream loves me too: stays on my hips and anyplace else it can fatten up!) Held: another thing that works is concentrating on something special from A to Z -- maybe what I have learned about God, hymn titles, Bible verses, or reasons I am thankful. Most times I don't make it to the letter Z or I may doze off and pick it up later. Looking at Saint's comment about her Catholic rosary, I found an Anglican rosary, prayer beads made a little differently, that helps me focus when I don't know how to pray, or helps me drift off to sleep as I intercede for others.  And the best help for your sleepless nights, Held,  is the rest of us praying for God to supply your intense need for strengthening and refreshing sleep... Granny cares and prays

F&F made me think of another sleep Trick I have used: create a mantra----just keep repeating a phrase over & over. I used to chant in my head "no thoughts/no feelings" over & over. It would always calm me & take my mind OFF the things that would keep me awake. It was more or less a command to STOP my brain from going into overdrive & getting my adrenalin pumping....

Hugs & prayers for all here-be well & stay storng 

Oh, I'm so sorry.  My mom is not a compassionate person and illness makes her very uncomfortable.  I've learned to seek sympathy elsewhere.  She is who she is.  Is it disappointing? Yes.  Do I have other people in my life to fell that space? Yes.  It works for my mom and me.  Since I've lowered expectations of her, I'm mostly not dissapointed.  Let us be the arms engulfing you during the wierd things cancer brings. 

Hugs Held----this incident with your parents may actually help my sister & me fix our similar problem. She was here tonite & when it came up I told her about your post & a wonderful discussion ensued. I know it won't be an instant fix, but I think it helped us understand each other better than we have previously!! Thanx for giving me an opening for the conversation!!

Hugs-be well & stay strong