I need a mentor

Held

Wow!  So much to think about!  So much to do!!! Thank you all for your words of wisdom.  Saint - that's me  - simple & accepting!!!! LOL!!!

saint

Ahh Held-- I strive for simplicity & acceptence====to be a kid again! It all seemed so easy..

I just saw the play "Everything I needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" It was funny, thought provoking & heartwrenching. I understand there is a book by the same name--worth a look I'd say--we forget how "right" the little ones can be........

Be well & stay strong--HUGS 

pinkpig

I think that what's great about God is that he calls us to be who we are.  The bible is full of people that weren't the brightest or the best and in many cases were the least and most unlikely.  that's a crowd I'm pretty comfortable with.  It took me a lot of years to get to that place, I mean isn't there a way we're all supposed to look?  Isn't there a way we are all supposed to act?  I distinctly remember the 80's with the women with pooffy hair and steps.  There were always steps to the perfect Christian life.  Nothing scarier than marching into a room full of Christian women you don't know.  I remember coming home from a board meeting for a Christian group and crying out to God that I just couldn't do it anymore.  I couldn't go and sit and smile and agree to things I disagreed with.  I literally felt God smile and say to me "Why do you think I sent you?"  If I'd wanted someone to do that I would have sent someone else.  I am one that believes a person needs a come to Jesus moment, but I also know that moment will look and feel different for everyone. 

olive2

Held,  we chatted briefly about this recently.  I would never get angry at a friend going through a struggle!  I tell God how I feel all the time.  So did David in the Psalms!  He already knows how we feel, so we can just tell Him. 

My greatest hope and joy is that although we as a human race have largely abandoned God by going our own way, He NEVER abandoned us!  He has provided a future and a hope.  NO MATTER WHAT!  When things are going well, we can praise Him.  When we go through dark times of suffering, we can still praise Him.  When we say, "Stop the world!  I want to get off!" He says, "Okay.  Not just yet, but there is joy ahead for those who trust me."  Jesus died on the cross to pay for our sins, He rose again the third day, and He lives in heaven now to pray for us and to send us encouragement!  All this earthly trouble is soooo temporary.  We need to say, "I am trusting you, Father, no matter how dark things seem right now.  I am counting on you to get me through this!"  He will hear such a prayer!  "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  Many hugs and prayers to you as you move toward peace with Him!  He has never failed me yet!  There are things I do not understand, but Romans 8:28 is true! 

saint

Love these posts!

I trust that paradise is awesome beyond the best day on earth, but that doesn't always make it easy to embrace the idea of going there YET! LOL  It is all part of the journey----we need to learn the lessons presented to us on a dialy basis, but the busy-ness of life tends to blind us to those lessons----I firmly believe that ALL I need to know will be shown to me & I will be ready when I need to be-----I often feel my feet getting lighter & lighter as I gain knowledge & wisdom---then I stop & say--NOPE, didn't get that lesson--not any closer to the end!!! LOL

The love & support here keeps bringing me back as a favorite thread----hugs all--be well & stay strong! 

Annahh

Maybe is not the right place to say it but, saint, did I ever tell you I love and admire you infinitely?

No one could have a better mentor then you, Held and so many others are in good hands.

Granny71

HEld, your poem touched me deeply. I'm not offering any Bible verses because I am new in this experience, on this site and unfamiliar with your story. But by reaching out and sharing your thoughts, as well as this poem you are headed in one good direction -- by reaching out to others whether WITH help, or FOR help, we strengthen each other. I'm a great-grandma, maybe I have picked up some helpful wisdom along the way that I might share. You are in my prayers. .. Granny 71.

Held

I had something interesting happen to me yesterday.  One of the guys at work told me that he is having a lung biospy next week.  He was telling me all that happened that led to the need for the biopsy, and at one point he said "now I wish I had smoked, then atleast I would feel like I did something to deserve this".  Boy, I can relate to those feelings!  And then he said "they tell you God only gives you what you can handle, but I don't think that's true.  I am really having a hard time".  So I told him I knew EXACTLY how he felt, and shared with him some of my journey.  I told him that next week I will celebrate one year NED, and it suddenly dawned on me that I DID survive, that I DID handle it (although not very well, I don't think)!  What a revelation!!!  God was right about what I could handle, and I was wrong (no big shock there) about what I couldn't!!!! 

footprintsangel

His my joy,

His my light.

His my strength

And my sight.

His my friend when I'm low,

His my Savior, I love Him so!  By Debbie

saint

Welcome granny----your wisdom will help guide all who read here...

Footie---thanx for that prayer! 

Annah--awwww shucks-- I feel the same about YOU! Everyone is an inspiration to Someone!

Held--if this were a novel I would not write another word cuz you just bound up all the loose ends with your last post-----isn't it gratifying when we realize we already learned the lesson (but what it takes to SEE & understand that it has been there a while)!! This is one of the greatest gifts--so help & be helped & see the circle in continuation! 

Be well & stay strong! 

Granny71

Thanks, Saint, for the welcome. You sisters are a big-time inspiration for me. Last night, instead of being preoccupied with my problem, I thought about and prayed for sisters whose names I remembered. Today I recalled the title of a poem shared with me many years ago when I was dealing with something much bigger than this:. "He Maketh No Mistakes!" I traced it through Google. It starts: 'My Father's way may twist and turn, my heart may throb and ache, But in my soul I'm glad I know, He maketh no mistake.  My cherished plans may go astray, my hopes may fade away, but still I'll trust my Lord to lead, for He doth know the way..." Saint, I'm still in shock about the timing of this new diagnosis. I was just getting ready to set some new plans in motion.  But I guess, better now than later ... Peace and love, Granny71* (That's my age, and I'm loving it!)

Granny71

P.S., re: poem, He Maketh No Mistakes!" -- I did not acknowledge the author: A.M. Overton        (1932) "a retired pastor, who lost his beloved wife, wrote this incredible poem during her funeral service." This is quoted from the website, newhopemusic.com.The poem has been set to music.

faithandfifty

Wow. Held. I just love reading back thru all of the supportive and interesting posts in response to your original querie.

I personally think one of the most 'upsetting' of the supposed-encouraging remarks from others is the sentiment you described your friend taking issue with: "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

Personally, I don't believe that God sits up and thinks....... 'hmmmmmm, now just what disaster can I give to Polly Puritan? what awful situation can I send to her and yet she'll be able to withstand? Tornado? Illness? Death of a spouse? Financial ruin?'

I just can't believe that a Creator who could craft a monarch's wings and a giant redwood, could be that brutal. Just like you, I've known more than a few people who could NOT withstand some trial of this earthly journey.

HOWEVER, I do believe that we always have a compassionate care-giver in our Creator..... particularly when we are in the midst of trials and tribulations that threaten to unglue and undo us.

There are things that unfold on this earth that I do not believe are the plans of our Heavenly Father for us. I believe that we are cared for -- when we reach out in the midst of being overwhelmed.

We can cry out: Abba, Father. This is beyond my capability. Send me help. Send me resources. Send me strength. Send me teachings. Send me encouragement. Send me courage. Send me friends. Send me healing. Please carry me now, as I'm in WAY over my head.

I doubt that anyone means 'harm' from the sentiment, "God only gives you what you can handle." I'm sure that most mean it as some sort of motivational there-there.

My greatest encouragement has always come from the verse, "We know that for those who love Him, for those called in agreement with His purpose, God makes all things work together for good." Now there's a new testament thought.

ALL things work together for good, for those who love Him.

He can take any unbelieveable situation and turn it around for our own good, if we will allow that process to unfold -- even in the very midst of our anger, confusion, mistrust and unbelief.

I don't think that people of faith get the 'happily ever after' version of life, we just get to know that no matter what unfolds there is a power beyond our understanding who cares deeply and compassionately for our pain. When we reach out (as you have) we are blessed in the process.

Huge hugs all around the thread.

Granny I want to know what your 'new plans' were at the youthful age of 71. I sure hope that I have some plans to run off the rails at the age of 71.  

Granny71

To Faith and Fifty: My new plans included return to school, with a shift from theological studies to social work. Like others in this circle of spirituality I have some SERIOUS questions about "organized religion" and sometimes, the failure to help bring order or peace to the hellish situations we encounter everyday. Social work studies thus far have opened up new and inspirational understandings about spirituality as a universal theme in human hearts that makes the world a better place -- when we are not fighting over personal or sectarian ideologies.  The thoughts and feelings shared here are an extension of what I learned in the Intro Sociology class.  Having discovered that I can function reasonably well with Tx, blood pressure meds and a better understanding (thanks to all of you) of what's involved in future care and treatment, I shall rest awhile, enjoy quality time with family and friends, and go after the plan again in the new semester. Reflections on your sharings are now part of my morning devotions, and I know that not only am I, not alone in terms of my personal relationship with God, but in terms of sisterhood with all of you. I'm so happy, I'm about to BUST! Peace and love, Granny.

Held

Saint - I don't want it to end!! LOL! 

I am so happy to have all of you to let me speak what is on my heart freely.  I saw my doc today.  Last month she dx me with PTSD, and started me on a happy pill.  I am doing sooooo much better.  She wanted to give all the credit to the happy pill, but I know that it is much more than that.  My latest surgery is over and done with, my ultrasound showed nothing serious, my surgery was paid for by my insurance company (without having to send them pictures - jerks), and I have you guys to support and pray for me. 

I can not thank you enough for being there for me!

Granny71

Held: I'm soooo happy for you. You made my day! ... Granny.

PinkyLee

Thank you all so much for these post.  It is the first time that I found this link and I have scanned through all of the post from the being.  I too question why this is happening to me.  I feel like I have been through so much in life that it is unfair for me to have cancer on top of it.

I am 52, just finished college, have started on line master's classes and had to get a bilateral mastectomy in September.  I am out of leave and totally dependent on someone else for the first time since 17.  This sucks.

The thoughts and issue that each of you have posted made me realize that this is out of my control.

A friend gave me a book "A Uninvited Guest" one woman's journey from cancer to hope by Jeane Floyd.  I started reading this afternoon and it has been a spiritual help.

I have found being able to come to this site and post my feelings and fears has been a great help.  I am thrankful for finding this link.

lifeline59

Held,

I would like to add to the extraordinary sentiments expressed by so many lovely ladies here.  I have been drowning in my own internal struggles in my relationship to God and this thread has truly been a great uplift to me in my hour of need.  Thank you, Held, for your courage in being honest & forthright in sharing your frustrations.  Thank you for providing a forum where we can really open up our hearts and share from the gut...

I asked Jesus into my heart in the spring of 1987. I was dx with bc in November 1999.  One thing I am learning in my relationship to Him is that my faith in Him grows deeper the more I am honest about my struggle, yet willingly yield it to Him.  I've learned that my survival is directly proportional to how much I am able to walk in total surrender to His will.  I also grew up in a very dysfunctional family system and made more than my share of major blunders in my life.  This illness has caused me to cling to God more than I ever have and now I find myself in a spiritual wilderness of my own.  I thank God for providing this thread as a bit of an oasis in a vast spiritual desert I find myself experiencing now. 

Another book I would like to recommend is a little classic entitled "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard.  I also need to re-read it as it has been many years.  But it is an allegory that personifies our emotions into characters.  The main character is little "Much Afraid" and how God uses "Sorrow" & "Suffering" as her companions to help her grow and blossom and attain her Hinds feet to leap from mountain top to mountain top.  It really is a very insightful little book and I also believe it was written in the 1930's. 

I hope what I've shared helps someone here in some small way. 

God bless you, Held! 

Held

Thank you lifeline.  I am truly blessed.

saint

Held--I don't want this thread to end either---it feeds my spirit in ways nothing else seems to. I, again, thank you for being an "angel with skin" who began a thread many of us are benefitting from!

Lifeline- I read Hinds Feet many years ago & again after this dx. It is a great recommendation! Welcome to this thread!

I have already shared MY attitude regarding the idea that "God only gives us as much as we can handle" & agree with F&F that it is a kind of "there-there" intended to help. As I continue to walk this road I have become aware of a clarity that makes me sensitive to others in ways that may never have happened (or may not have occured for many years.)  I seem to see things with more facets & multiple perspectives. As much as it angers some I still say that for ME a great gift has accompanied this horror. I have been blessed with insight that often shakes me to the core. Faith is the key! Keep asking & keep praying.....

Be well & stay strong--HUGS all 

Held

Hi everyone!  I was wondering if you would please say some prayers for me.  Tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of my bilat.  I have been looking forward to celebrating one year NED, but as the details of the day begin to play in my mind, I find myself becoming anxious and reliving the horrors of that day.  I started to cry on the way home from work today.  I want to be happy I have managed to survive, not the cancer, but the journey.  A year ago, I couldn't even imagine that I would be able to function, let alone be happy.  There were to many unknowns, how I would look, how much pain I would have, how long I would be out of work, did it spread to my lymph nodes, what would the path report say, what other treatment might I need.... you guys know the drill. 

I want to be able to more forward and celebrate, not relive the past.  I want to be happy, not anxious and I really, really, really need to get some sleep tonight. So, could you please say a prayer for me?

saint

Prayers already being said!!! Besides the prayers I'm gonna give you my pep talk:

Remember how you felt a year ago? IF you had allowed yourself to KEEP feeling that way the entire last year look at how much time you'd have wasted!! You overcame those fears---that means you already know the lesson--pull it up & put it on! If you allow the worry to take you you are allowing the beast to win!! NED is NOT being owned by the beast!!!!  

HUGS Be well & stay strong

faithandfifty

Additional prayers chiming in.

I'm no psychologist, but I think "anniversaries" bring up wholesale emotions...... ones we might not have been prepared to deal with at the time.

I've decided to let myself feel however I'm feeling when I'm feeling it -- even when it doesn't make sense. Have a good sob, if that's what's welling up -- or a GOOD loud scream -- or some hysterical laughter, or mix it up and have some from each column ..... I'm willing to bet that getting it outta your system is the quickest road to the laughter and joy @ dancing with NED.

in any case, i'll ask your guardian angel to sprinkle you with sleeping pixie-fairy dust

Held

I am so upset right now.  I am sad and angry and hurt.  I just got off the phone with my father.  My parents called earlier in the day and left a message to wish me a happy anniversary.  It is a happy day.  So I called them back and my father answered the phone.  He asked me how I was doing and I told him that I wasn't sure.  That I was happy, but at the same time the flashbacks of that day keep hitting me like a smack in the face. Soooooooo I got preached to.  "Well reject those memories.  Tell the Lord you dont' want them anymore"  bla, bla bla.  The he goes on to tell me about some guys he is working with that has been living with the horrors and flashbacks of a war for the last 30 years and it "isn't doing him a bit of good and neither are yours".  Gee, that's something I didn't already know - thanks!  I am not choosing to have this crap smack me in the face, and I am sorry, his little story about the war vet having flashbacks for 30 years is not even close to what I am going thru nor is it helping me one little bit.  I love my parents but if they can not be there just to listen and support me, I don't want to talk to them.  I want my mother to hold me, not tell me how I shouldn't feel.  I want my dad to tell me that everything is going to be alright, not tell me that getting over it is as simple as saying I am handing it all over to God.  I wish I had their strenght.  But I also know that they need to practice what they preach.  My father tells me that depression is nothing more than selfishness, but it is ok for him to have panic attacks.  Why doesn't he just turn his anxiety over to God?  My parents grieved for years and were angry for a long time after my sister died.  My father is a war vet too.  His memories of the war are too painful for him to talk about.  What the heck??????????

See why I need you ladies sooooooooooooooooo much???????????

Gonna go have a good cry.

Granny71

Held, my heart hurts for you.  I prayed for you, and cried a little too. ..  Family pain seems to be the most gut wrenching because it's mixed up with love and good intentions. But we are part of a larger family of sisters where some of us can hear what you are feeling ... Granny cares ...

saint

Aww hugs Held----You sound so much like my sister!! I would like to do for you what your parents can't & I can't always do for her. I sometimes have trouble just "being there" for her. But I understand that for some ppl THAT is exactly what they need & ALL they want: someone just to listen & hug them & croon in their ear how it will all be OK. So I have warned my sister to remember how hard it is for me NOT to offer solutions (that she doesn't want) & I asked her to remember that it is all done in love. I hate seeing her unhappy & want to "fix it"----maybe your parents are on my track....? But the bottom line for us is that I suggested that when that is ALL she needs & she is not sure I will give it, she should go to someone who is going to provide what she needs. I had to accept that I can't be all things to all ppl--even when I love them as much as I love her. So you may have hit on the right solution if you choose NOT to go to them for something they simply can't offer---When love is not enough to create full understanding it hurts even more--on both sides! If it is not inappropriate: I'm so sorry on their behalf.

So I will be here for you & hold you in my arms in a deep hug---what you feel you feel & I validate you! IT WILL be OK, hon! Walk thru it & we will hold you hand---cry & cleanse & heal yourself in YOUR way.

HUGS-wish my arms could reach thru the monitor-----I am sorry for your sadness. 

Held

Granny and Saint,

I read your posts over and over.  I cried over and over. I even read them outloud to several people.  I had to stop a few times 'cause I was crying so hard I couldn't see the screen, but they didn't mind.  

Thank you so much for your understanding and compassion.

Did I mention that some of the people at work threw a party for me today?  Complete with pink ballons, candy, goodies, and a pink ribbon pin.  It was very nice.

flash

hugs held,

you know we are all  here for you.  Feel comfortable to cry on our shoulders or shout for joy.

we are all here for each other.  miss you in chat.  feel free to email anytime.

flash

faithandfifty

Held. I am so glad that Granny & Saint were available -- with their insight and caring, just when you needed it the most. We have such an amazing and unique opportunity because of this site.

We can indeed reach out to one another, offering insight, offering encouragement, offering to listen. Imagine how women -- a generation or so, ago, dealt with all of this?

We do, indeed have each other. We are stronger/smarter/braver/brighter, because of our connection -- one to another.

What a treasure.

How very kind of your co-workers for commemorating the cancer-versary in a manner that was comfortable and supportive for you. Good people.

xx00xx00xx00xx00xx

PinkyLee

Held,

Family seems to be last to truly understand the depth of our grief. 

My heart goes out to you as you make it thru the reminders of all the suffering that endured.  I am sure that there is no way to celebrate the good recovery without remembering the horror of the entire journey. 

Just remember that you are a survivor and that you have a whole community of women here that truly understand the agony and joy of being a survivor.