I need a mentor
Comments
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Held
The one thing that got me through was the music of Sting. I was reading his bio when I went to my first doc appt. and it kept my mind off of things. It was so funny in parts, and here I was in that damn mammo contraption, which was even worse by the fact that the damn tech had Jerry Springer on, and I started laughing because I just read a chapter about Sting driving into the sea with his new car, trying to impress a girl. Then they told me I would need a biopsy, and as they start to put the needle in, the doc says, just a little Sting, and that was all I needed to think that someone was telling me something. So I am sitting in this chair and I decided maybe I could think of a sting song to get my mind off of it all. The first song that comes to mind is "every breath you take". I look at the surgeon, and in my mind I am singing "Every breast you take" and I lose it again. Fortunately the doc and nurse were not looking at my face, or they would have sent me to the looney bin because I was smiling at my ingenouse reinterpretation of the song. Then over the weekend, while waiting for the biopsy report, went back to his book as a diversion, and near the end, he starts talking about his mother dying of BC at my age. Well, I really freaked out at this. There were too many coinsidences here. I took this as a gift from God. Somehow, Sting was going to get me throught this. So I dug out all my Sting CD's and listened to it every day for months. There seemed to be a song for every emotion I was dealing with.To make a long story short, from then on, I only listened to Sting's music. His words became my therapy. Each song had a different meaning. So I will share with you the song that helped me to find the words to pray with:
Whenever I lay me down, whenever I put my head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I got to lie awake and weep
Whenever I kneel to pray, whenever I need to find a way
I'm calling out your name
Whenever those dark clouds hide the moon
Whenever this world has gotten so strange
I know that something's gonna change, Something's gonna change
Whenever I say your name, Whenever I say your name
I'm already praying, I'm already praying
Whenever this world has got me down, whenever I shed a tear
Whenever the TV makes me mad, whenever I'm paralyzed with fear
Whenever those dark clouds fill the sky, whenver I lose the reason why
Whenever I'm filled with doubts, that we will be together
Whenever the sun refuse to shine, whenever the skies are pouring rain
Whatever I lost I thought was mine, whenever I close my eyes in pain
Whenever I kneel to pray, whenever I need to find a way
I'm calling out your name
Whenever the dark begins to fall
Whenever I'm vulnerable and small
Whenever I fell like I could die
Whenever I'm holding back the tears that I could cry
Whenever I say your name, whenever I call to mind your face
I'm already praying
Whatever bread's in my mouth, whatever the sweetest wine that I taste
Whenever I lay me down, whenever I rest my weary head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I'm forced to lie awake and weep
Whenever I'm on the floor
Whatever it was that I believed before
Whenever I say your name, whenever I say it loud, I'm already praying . ..
I still cry when I hear this song, and yet it still gives me so much comfort. It is on the Sacred Love album, which he must have written for his mother because it is so deep. So you see Held, a perfect stranger can be a mentor, and sometimes not even know it! I have never been enamored with any celebrity, but I am not sure I could have come out of that dark tunnel if it were not for this music. I spent at least an hour with him singing to me every day as I walked, and he helped to "heal my soul "-and that is another song!
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Questions are good. Questions are good. Questions are good. Questions are good.
Held, thanks for sharing 'the rest of the story' regarding your nickname here. Whew. Those lyrics are incredible. I wonder if it's on YouTube? Do you know?
Such a moving tribute to a tragedy. Faith in action -- in the midst of significant wrestling.
I personally believe that this world is indeed filled with injustice and unfairness. One does not have to look far for examples...... but thru it all we are indeed "HELD."
My strength comes from having lived the verse:
"We know that for those who love Him, for those who are called in agreement with His Purpose, God makes all things work together for good."
ALL things.
Things we don't understand. Things that are unfair. Things that are unjust. Things of earth.
This thread that you've started is an example of just that -- reading here is very encouraging to me. In the midst of your agony of faith, you've opened a whole new line of communication and support. I thank you for your candor, Held.
Good day. Use those muscles!!
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Julz. You're the best. Thanks.
LindaMem.... I don't know how I missed your post? Your tribute is very touching. Thanks for sharing.
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I am catching my breath after listening to those 2 songs---AWESOME---what a marvel humans are! That someone is gifted to write & sing songs that touch us so deeply. Thanx & big hugs julz---you ARE a jewel!
Foots----what a lovely, lovely post you wrote. I felt it in my soul! HUGS
Lindamem----I love you story & connection to Sting, He is a wonder, I agree! Your story further strengthens my theory that art imitates life & NOT the reverse! What a blessing for you to find that support & strength. Thanx for sharing it.
Faith---you never fail to awe me with your perspective & your ability to share! We are all blessed by you every day in every way! HUGS
Held---THANK YOU for starting this thread. I think it is a wonderful place for ppl to share the deepest & most important mystery of life. Yes, I shall learn from you & all who post here.
HUGS & prayers for all here--be well & stay strong
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I have to share one very good thing that has come from this rotten journey. Before my diagnosis, I didn't much like my husband, I might have loved him as the father of my children, but that was about it. We existed in the same house together.
The morning I received that awful phone call, I called my Mom & Dad first (because my dh was incapable of being any sort of emotional support to me), and then my dh. Dh told me he would go with me to the diagnostic mammo and the appt to the surgeon. After the surgeon told us my only treatment option was a mastectomy, I came home and told him if he wanted to leave, I would understand and find a way to make it work without him. He told me to stop being stupid and shut-up. From that moment he was my rock. For the next four months, he was at every md appointment - and that was A LOT!!!. HE was the one that cried when we were given the "all clear" from the onco (about the path report). He even left work, and met me at the docs once I was allowed to drive. The drive from his work to my PS's office is prob. 40 minutes each way. He would go into work, meet me at the docs, stay with me for my appointment, and then go back to work (thank God for his boss). He has held me when I cried, he let me beat on his chest when I was so angry I just needed to hurt SOMETHING or I was going to explode, let me have all the space I wanted.... To this day, he calls me everyday to remind me to stop working and get some lunch. Don't get me wrong, there are still some days when I get frustrated because he just doesn't seem to "get it", but I have to tell you, he has turned into someone who I didn't even think he was capable of being. I love him again.
Sometime I feel bad for him - being stuck with such a "broken" wife. He doesn't see it that way - thank God!
So atleast one good think came of this dreadful situation.....
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AWw Held----that "one good thing" that came from the dreadful situation is a HUGE, awesome thing! It is the kind of thing I call a "cancer gift" & I often wonder if we'd ever receive these if we did not have to walk this road! Thank you for telling us the good you have found inspite of this @%#$#$%^
HUGS---be well & stay strong
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Truely amazing when pushed to the wall what someones true colors are! Even when they were considered the Dark Horse.....
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Spiritual Vitamins A to Z
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Anxious? Take Vitamin A.
All things work together for good for those who
love God, who are called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28)
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Blue? Take Vitamin B.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name. (Ps 103:1)
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Crushed? Take Vitamin C.
Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. (1 Pet 5:7)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Depressed? Take Vitamin D.
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. (Jas 4:8)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Empty? Take Vitamin E.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts
with praise. Give thanks to him, bless his name. (Ps 100:4)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fearful? Take Vitamin F.
Fear not, for I am with you, do not be afraid,
for I am your God. (Isa 41:10)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Greedy? Take Vitamin G.
Give, and it will be given to you. A good
measure, pressed down, shaken together,
running over, will be put unto your lap; for
the measure you give will be the measure you get back. (Lk 6:38)
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Hesitant? Take Vitamin H.
How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of
the messenger who announces peace, who brings
good news, who announces salvation, who says
to Zion, "Your God reigns." (Isa 52:7)
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Insecure? Take Vitamin I.
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)
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Jittery? Take Vitamin J.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Heb 13:8)
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Know nothing? Take Vitamin K.
Know this that the Lord is God, it is He that
made us and not we ourselves. (Ps 100:3)
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Lonely? Take Vitamin L.
Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. (Mt 28:20)
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Mortgaged? Take Vitamin M.
My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor 12:9)
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Nervous? Take Vitamin N.
Never, no never will I leave you nor forsake you. (Heb 13:5)
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Overwhelmed? Take Vitamin O.
Overcome evil with good. (Rom 12:21)
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Perplexed or puzzled? Take Vitamin P.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid. (Jn 14:27)
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Quitting? Take Vitamin Q.
Quit you like men and women, be strong. (1 Cor 16:13)
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Restless? Take Vitamin R.
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him. (Ps 37:7)
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Scared? Take Vitamin S.
Stay with me, and do not be afraid; for the one
who seeks my life seeks your life; you will
be safe with me. (1 Sam 22:23)
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Tired? Take Vitamin T.
Those who wait for the Lord shall renew their
strength, they shall mount up with wings like
eagles, they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint. (Isa 40:31)
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Uncertain? Take Vitamin U.
Understand that I am (the Lord). Before me no god
was formed, nor shall there be any after me. (Isa 43:10)
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Vain? Take Vitamin V.
Vexed with unclean spirits: and they were healed every one. (Acts 5:16)
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Wondering what to do? Take Vitamin W.
What does the Lord require of you but to do
justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Mic 6:8)
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eXhausted? Take Vitamin X.
Exercise thyself rather unto godliness. (1 Tim 4:7)
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Yearning for hope? Take Vitamin Y.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you
art with me; your rod and your staff-they comfort me. (Ps 23:4)
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Zapped? Take Vitamin Z.
Zealous for good deeds. (Titus 2:14)
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Girls, I just have a little contribution.
The Faith thing is a big, complex life-long SEARCH. Questions will only be answered when we leave this life. Many try to tell us answers and bully us into 'believing'. My faith is deep and unshakeable and I get very nervous around mere humans who claim to have answers and give us warnings about heaven and earth. Spiritual guides can be helpful, but only God is infallible.
I don't demand answers and I don't have expectations of God. If I had answers, I'd have Science.
I prefer Faith.
Take care, and keep talking!
Kerry XX
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What a great way to start the day........... seems we've started a sort of 'music-therapy' file for future reference. (Julz will be along with the latest YouTube connection for Sting's brilliant contribution.)
I don't have a music therapy degree, but I use music daily in my work with children -- and their teachers and have often witnessed or been told stories of how music has worked a wonder for a specific child. Of course the same could be said of "Art" with a capital A.
I remember standing in an art museum and literally "melting" over an image that I'd never seen previously, but was moved beyond words by the artists's colors and expressiveness. I stood there weeping for all the potential that we share as humans.
Kerry, it is indeed a life-long search. A gigantic jigsaw puzzle. Pieces being contributed thru our experiences, our interactions, our searching, our reading, our conversations, our mentors.
HELD, it's so wonderful that you've opened a whole stream of spiritual mentoring.
My latest reading has been by the Tibetan monk, Pema Chodrin. I have a little collection of her writings and listen to her recordings as I drive. I have taken great solace from these two sentences that I heard first from her:
1. Death is certain.
2. The timing of death is uncertain. So what shall I apply my energy toward today? What is important for this day? What can I contribute now?
Everyone have an incredible day.
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Ebann,
I love that post! I actually have painted some of those verses on my wall. I think I may have to add the whole "vitamin" alphabet!
Held,
One thing I thought of yesterday is that I find when I pray that I always start off by thanking God for what's going right. I think it helps to seek out those little things that often pass by unnoticed. When we look for positive things, we are often surprised about just how many positive things are still happening in the midst of a very difficult situation. Don't get me wrong: sometimes it is hard for me to focus on the positives when I'm feeling so down...but I still try and it does help! I suppose it's old-fashioned, but counting your blessings does help!
(((HUGS)))
Diane -
Faith, My Pleasure for those who connect in this way.....
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Diane;
Your welcome. It is one that I enjoy going back and reading. It has really helped me through a lot. I have suffer with bipolar for a long time. I am more the depressive. So it has really inspired me. Helps me to stay focused on God at all time. Whether I am having a bad day or good. I am glad that you enjoyed it.
Held;
Hang in there. God is shinning through you always. Let him fill your spirit. For he loves you, you are his special child.
Blessings, Elizabeth
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This IS a wonderful thread. I find that spiritual conversation & exchange of ideas only strenghtens a strong faith & can assist in a faltering faith. This is a good start to a mentoring circle!
When I was first dx'd almost 8 years ago a dear friend gave me a Gratefulness Journal. I suggest that everyone try this form of prayer---each evening at bedtime I write down 5 things I am thankful for from that day, Sometimes it was (& still can be) VERY difficult to think of 5 things, but then I wrote the names of my dh dd & ds and that the day was over----which means I only had to find ONE more thing! It truly does work to change your view to one of "half full" rather than "half empty"
I keep a candle in my church buring 24/7 for all here...be well & stay strong
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Held,
This is a quick one, but it's so important not to blame God, but to realize our total dependence on HIm. One of the gals suggested a Lynn Eib book.......I read one of her others and found it helpful. Also, I don't know if you've ever read the Purpose-Driven Life book, but that's another one I'd recommend. In fact, we were doing it as a church, and on day (chapter) 25, I believe, it was entitled "Transformed by Trouble". Believe it or not, that was the exact day my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer! Two yrs. later, I was dx with bc. We often give that particular book to people we know who are struggling. Hope it will give you some solace, as well.
Hugs, Nancy
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Held,
This is a quick one, but it's so important not to blame God, but to realize our total dependence on HIm. One of the gals suggested a Lynn Eib book.......I read one of her others and found it helpful. Also, I don't know if you've ever read the Purpose-Driven Life book, but that's another one I'd recommend. In fact, we were doing it as a church, and on day (chapter) 25, I believe, it was entitled "Transformed by Trouble". Believe it or not, that was the exact day my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer! Two yrs. later, I was dx with bc. We often give that particular book to people we know who are struggling. Hope it will give you some solace, as well.
Hugs, Nancy
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Ebann, thank you for giving us our vitamins for the day.
Hostanut - I don't think I BLAME God. But if God is in charge of everything, didn't he let this happen?
I was reading a book called "Why". Many of my questions stem from what I read in this book.
Also ladies, a friend of mine (the one who read me Joshua 1:9 as I sobbed hysterically right after I was dx), had a miscarrige last night. Can you please keep her and her family in your prayers.
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Held, I will pray for your friend....losing a baby is very, very difficult. I've been there with a friend of mine years ago.
As for you, I think you need to take vitamins B, C, D, P and mostly W.
God Bless, Always.
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Hey Held! I like reading books which have lively discussions in them..but I tend to stay away from the anti-God stuff because I NEVER 'do' negativity!
Get hold of 'A Case for Christ' and 'A Case for Faith'. They are a brilliant read..very down to earth. Get the Faith one first.
Most people who bag Faith (and Christ)..you know..the ones who say it can't be proven that Christ and/or the early Christians/Apostles etc ever existed simply aren't up with the archaeology (one of my passions) and modern scholarship. I never argue with people about this stuff..it is pointless and gets them offside. Those who seek God will find God..or is it, God will find them?
We can't do God's job for God, no matter how much we discuss or study!
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Kerry,
I must be very tired or something - I don't understand what you are saying.
And the book "why" is not anti-God.
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Sorry! Sometimes I get a bit obtuse! I just wanted to recommend those books because they are a good read. Tiredness....yeah...not good.
Take care, Held.
PS I am loving reading this thread!
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Held
Hes my joy,
Hes my light.
Hes my strength,
Hes my sight.
Hes my friend
when am low,
Hes my Savior
I love him so! By Debbie
Held, Please remember even when you feel alone, God is always there! -
Held...The day after my diagnosis,i was so upset with god,i yelled and screamed that god was deaf and he couldnt hear me -or worse,that i was believing in something that maybe didnt exist after all-some of the worst thoughts id ever had and some of the most brazen forbidden comments i could think of,directed towards god,and long story,but a stranger came to a store i work at ,and out of nowhere,said "the lord has put it upon my heart to come and tell you that he is standing right beside you right now,and he will never forsake you".He knows we are human and he forgives us,he knows this is hard,maybe someday we will be given the ability to understand the why's..but it is what it is-everyone has something to deal with.This is hard.But we are tougher than cancer.e might have battle scars,but we will win the war!
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Held,
When I was being prepped in a holding area just prior to surgery, a lovely black housekeeping lady came through. I think she said her name was Debbie. As she worked, she said, "You just keep looking up, 'cause He can take care of all your problems.......not just what you're going through today! Remember........ALL your troubles!" She was such a humble Christian lady who truly touched me in a way that all the wonderful caregivers just didn't. She had a much greater mission than just doing her cleaning job, and I pray God will bless her for her work there (for His kingdom). I hope others can touch you the way this lady did to me. I shall never forget her.
Nancy
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A book that helped me understand the "Why" of bad things in life is "The Five People You Meet in Heaven".
My own philosophy is a bit Eastern - there is a yin/yang pull in the world - the good/evil struggle - or "God/Devil", whatever you want to call it. Perhaps I'm just simplistic - but all beauty and all life comes from God - all illness and death is from the Devil. God suffers alongside with us - his own Son suffered with us to conquer sin AND death. Weird but I didn't experience great anger when I was dx'd..........I felt a sense of timelessness, like the earth stood still for me - I felt great disappointment, but not anger, but perhaps that's just me. Like why shouldn't I get bc? What makes me so special or different? It's just another of the devil's monkeys I must carry on my back - or as some say, "my cross to bear".
Held - in my mind you have the makings of a saint.........................all who suffer and struggle with faith do. If sometimes you feel like your faith is lost - it's the devil who is jealous of God's calling to you. Those who are touched by God also attract the attention of the devil because he is so jealous - thus the yin/yang struggle on this earth and in our souls.
It's good you started this discussion - many voices here are saying the same thing - and you have responded well Held because you have been touched by God........you have faith.........I can hear it in your words - I can hear you..................like a "voice crying out in the wilderness" .
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Interesting swim..... I llike devil trying to steal my joy view point much better. As for the makings of a saints - don't know about that. Even my little brother thinks I am not a "good enough" Christian!
jsdur - that is a wonderful story. thank you for sharing it.
hostanut - there have been many wonderful people who have touched my life recently - like you guys. It does give you the warm and fuzzies, doesn't it?
I want to get brutally honest about some things/doubts that had crept into my head before I started this thread, but I feel certain I am going to offend someone, or that people are going to get very judgemental about them(and me).
You guys ready for me to spew with the thoughts and questions that floated around in my head during some of my darkest hours?
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We're ready, Held..........spew out those thoughts!!! You need to vent, it helps the soul,
go for it. I think you have a lot of people here trying to help you, let them at least try.
No matter what you say....we still love you!
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Held. I second Earl's support above. Spew forth.... it will only slow down Swim's petition for your sainthood by a little bit.*
*That's supposed to be funny.
I think that it's a great testament to your faith to have you wrestle with questions and publically makes it all of the more significant..... because it offers the rest of us an arena to consider our own blessings and struggles, our own turning points and witness.
It's a treasure to me to come here and read the stories that others are sharing.
jsudor, I had a parallel experience of a stranger reaching out to me, thru their prayer life. A woman came to my work one day with her hand extended to me -- offering a tin recipee box. She had been cleaning her kitchen and received instructions to find me and offer it to me.
At the time I was at my lowest point of my faith journey. I had been sitting at my desk, attempting to organize things when I said to myself, "gosh I just need one of those little recipe boxes to help sort this all out."
And before the day was over, here comes a stranger with a box.
This was over 16 years ago and as I type it I'm getting goose bumps. I've kept the tin as a reminder that even the smallest details in our lives is of interest to our Heavenly Creator. Sometimes when I look at it, I think I must have hallucinated the whole thing up..... but it's a tangible item.
And with that recipe box, the tide turned on my journey.
I think more importantly, as Hosta's cleaning woman's clear testimony witnessed to her at the moment, we are all capable of offering encouragement to others. At times, it is the most humble among us who can offer the keenest strength.
Receiving support from an unsuspected source really turns my head around.
Happy weekend everyone.
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