Starting chemo Dec 2007

Joy - glad to hear that your chemo is going as well as can be expected. Really stinks about your parent's car.  Darn storms!  

Today we have a break in the heat and humidity yay.  I am tired of going for my walk in the mornings and coming home drenched in sweat.  Our vegetables ( we only planted tomatoes and cukes) are doing great.  We have one cucumber almost ready to pick ( small yard and only 2 cuke plants) and have already had multiple tomatoes. We have 3 regular plants and then 4 or so cherry on the side of our house.  I wish I could grow more variety but we are very limited for space.   It does seem like the summer is flying by.  This weekend we are taking the kids for an overnighter with my bil and his family to Cedar Point.  

How is everyone's hair coming?  I am finally going wigless most of the time, the heat and humidity prompted me as well as alot of people telling me to go for it and that I look great.  I still have two thinnish spots on each side, hair there but thinner than the rest of my growth areas.  I colored last week and it turned way too read (temp color), I am going to redo it on Friday I think.  

I have had some down days lately. Just worrying about everything. Darn cancer has made me feel so vulnerable.  I used to be really good at keeping an optimistic attitude and thinking that things will work out but since my dx I find this hard to do.  The worrying is such a waste of time I know but I can't seem to stop!  

Hope everyone is well and enjoying their summer!  

Hello my friends,

Joy, good to here your learning to combat the new se's. Know that Im thinking of you and big hugs sent your way! Sorry to here about the car. Will your property insurance cover the damage if the tree fell from your property?

Sal, I havent been to a movie in a while... I tend to wait for them to be released on dvd then rent them. I have a bad habit of falling asleep during the middle of them even at the theatre. So renting is the way to go for me. Nice to here your getting out to see lots of them.

Kimbly, I here you about the down days... I think it may have a bit to due with the time of year. I have a lot of bad memories from last summer as thats when this whole fiasco started and my life was turned upside down. But I think I am a stronger person now. Way more laid back and able to just deal with stressfull situations as they land in my lap.

WIW, Sorry to here dh is out of town so much. Im the same way, I dont like doing things on my own so much. Your pub afternoons sound like fun, dh and I do a pub lunch (just lunch) about once a week as we enjoy the atmosphere.

Amy..... Havent heard from you in a long time.. hope all is well.

Hair, Well I bit the bullet and colored mine yesterday.... Started out with dark ash blonde and it didnt take, so I went with light ash brown and I feel 10 years younger. Its only semi permanent but what a difference. It gave me just enough incentive to finally fluff it out, slick the sides and style it.  The results are a little odd but even dh says it looks "on purpose". I'll take that and be happy with it. Am loosing nose hair and eyebrows again, but what can you do.

So, I was supposed to go on a three day motorbike trip to tofino (the western coast of vancouver island) was packed and everything when we got a call from the Pemberton Music Festival. It will be Canada's largest outdoor rock music festival. Anyway they want us to bring up our larger water tank truck to help with the water supply. Besides getting paid for the trucks use, we get a five day rv site, wristbands for over 120 concerts and dont have to work at all during the event. How cool is that!  Tom Petty and the heartbreakers, the Tragically hip and Coldplay are on the top of my list, but there are so many bands playing it should be a blast. Here's a link to the lineup for the heck of it.

http://www.pembertonfestival.com/lineup/index.aspx

Its 12:30 now and I have to be up at 5:30 to drive out there (3 hour drive) so time to get a bit of shuteye. I'll try to get a few pics.

Hang tough everyone, Love ya all and send the biggest hugs out to you all. Suz

  Woman you are funny!  It is a thought to ponder though. I'm hoping mine got mixed up, b/c the hair under the arm without ROM seems to have quit growing.... although none of it except the head and down yonder came back totally normal.  The eyebrows and lashes are thinned (although I'm wondering if thats arimidex in action b/c my hair/scalp hurts to all get out today .  Then there is the leg and arm hair thats really thin, legs are almost non-existent really.  Can't complain there.  With all the poorer SE's of the AI's, I guess these are so bad really. I could do without the hip/joint pain and stiffness and sore throat etc...but I'll deal with it, as long as this Mo of all evils never returns again!

Are you on an AI?  I'm got some thinned areas on my head, but luckily the majority it thick and covering those areas.  What I keep obsessing about is where the scalp hurts.  Hoping like Hell-0, that it's not going to fall out again, or thin

I'm on Tamoxifen also. I think my onc mentioned switching me to an AI if my period doesn't come back. I know one of the side effects of Tamoxifen is supposed to be thinning hair, and although I have more quantity of hair than length, I have noticed that it isn't as dense as it used to be before chemo. But I don't have any bare spots, so no complaints. I'm just SO self-conscious about the length. I think mostly because, for whatever reason, my face has been breaking out this summer. So not only do I have REALLY short hair and a high forehead to make me feel self-conscious, but I feel like the only thing people can see is my blotchy skin. Akk. So at least once a day I have to mentally tell myself "Ok. Reality check. You choose: self-image or cancer? Right. Stop whining."

However, working in the public eye, I do get tired of dealing with "Wow! You really cut your hair short! How do you like it?" because I didn't cut it, I don't like it, and pride wants me to blurt out "Please-- my fashion sense isn't so bad that I would intentionally do this to myself."

But what is that saying... out of the mouths of babes? Well, kids aren't the only ones who sometimes say things without knowing the hidden meanings behind things. We have a man-- a few years younger than myself-- with special needs who has been coming in to the library for years. How do I describe Kevin except to say he is quite a large man (about 6'+ and 300+ pounds) with a very loud voice, who gets animated quite easily (which is where the loud voice really kicks in). Kevin LOVES to chat with you about whatever he's interested in at the time, and he loves a good joke so we're always joking with each other when he comes in.

Well, yesterday was the first day he'd been in since I'd been going hair-commando. He doesn't know that I've been dealing with cancer... he just assumed the wig was a new hairdo (and he gave me a few ribbings on that when he first saw it). Anyway, the library had several people in it but it was quiet as could be when he came in. I was helping another patron when he came up to the counter. He started with one of his hearty laughs and then boomed out "Holy cow! What happened to you? Looks like someone took a weed-wacker to your head!"

The poor lady I was helping, not aware of Kevin's joviality, was visibly cringing from his comments. Although I was mentally thinking "And THAT is exactly what I bet people are really thinking when they see me" I couldn't help but chuckle at his pure innocence with the comment.  As I went into the back room for something, I heard him laugh and "whisper" to his friend "That's Sally. I'm always teasing her like this. We joke around all the time."  If I'd teased him back and said his hair looked like it had been combed with a porcupine, I think he would have howled with contentment-- that's how innocent it was meant.

Enough hair talk. Man, you ladies will be thinking I'm vain with all this chatter. Have a super day, ladies!

-Sal 

No, not vain, just tired of trying to get back to our new normal huh?  If the hair would cooperate, we'd be fine! The kid was as you say, an innocent, saying or ribbing where he thought it was okay. Unfortunately we wear our 'heart and soul' on our sleeves these days and the littlest thing can bring us down or up in an instant!  Maybe had he known you'd had cancer and what was going he might have reacted differently, BUT...maybe not.  Humor is an uplifter, and maybe he was just ribbing you and DID NOT feel it looked that way, but was making a joke about short it was in his own simple way?

And I DOUBT people are saying or thinking that!  It's amazing few actually were looking at me even when I wore the scarves, and yet my self-conscious felt every time I walked into the grocery, that they would. THATS VAIN!  Why would people look at me?  I'm not gorgeous, or stunning or any of those 'other' words people used to describe 'those' people.  I'm me and no one really notices changes I don't think.  Then again, I've never really cared what others thought, only me.  If I did, goodness I'd have cut my waist length hair many, many years ago when people told me it was 'out of date'!  WTH?  I should spend money on my hair be/c it doesn't conform to the 'standards' of the day? NOT me! No way, unt uh!

If you keep a smile on your pretty face and one in your heart, no one notice a hair out place or a missing boob...well, almost no one.  I do notice that Oh well....it's the NEW me!

Hi Ladies,

Sal, you made me laugh out loud with your two posts about the hair and then about Kevin...Thanks - I needed that!!!

Joy, I wish I could give you a big hug for having to suffer through all this.  Of course you must be feeling exhausted!  I can't imagine how I'd feel after two full cycles of chemo!  The best part is that soon the chemo will be over and you can get to healing.

About the hair....a few years ago when I was in perimenopause I sprouted a whisker on my jaw.  One lone whisker that would grow and grow and grow.  In fact, I discovered it at work when I felt this thing on my jaw and realized it was a hair and was horrified when I realized it was about an inch long.  I wondered how many people had noticed this rogue hair growing out of my face and not said anything.  Of course, I immediately plucked the offending hair and it grew back afterwards, and so has been my battle with the whisker, until chemo made it fall out.  Well, the whisker is back....I had hoped maybe chemo would scare it into submission forever but no such luck.  I swear also that the hair on my arms is longer than it was before...I dunno.

Kimbly, I'm sorry you are going through rough times.  I can totally understand how you feel.  There is an interesting thread I was reading earlier posted by Heather B Locklear about "has cancer changed you" .  It's definitely worth a read.  I think one of the hardest things is after you get through all the tx and you've "recovered" and then there is the aftermath of the backlog of uncomplete business and stuff to catch up on, and yes, the fear.  I try very hard not to let that get to me but sometimes it's just unavoidable.   You are definitely not alone in feeling this way.

Suz I'm glad you are having lots of adventures and fun with your hubby.  I hope you had a blast at Pemberton - I look forward to hearing about it!

I have been keeping too busy.  Work is crazy and I've been painting my house, which is a huge job and the walls were in pretty rough shape (wanted to get rid of the wallpaper that I discovered was covering up a multitude of sins).  I had started the painting before the cancer and then didn't have enough energy to resume it until recently.  Anyway, I am lying here on my floor because I moved from one bedroom to the other and things are totally in chaos until I finish painting the walls in this room, so I can't even get my bed set up.  Oh, well....in a couple of days this will be done and I can start getting things organized.  Hubby will arrive on Sunday.  I still can't believe and probably won't until I actually see him on Canadian soil.  It has been so long.  I just want to sit and talk with him face to face - this four months of phone has been more than enough.  It's the longest we've ever gone without seeing each other and I am getting cranky!  That's probably aggravated by the fact I'm pushing myself way too hard and certainly have found what my new limits are, energy-wise.  It is still annoying to have lost so much energy.  I really do feel much better but I simply can't go at the pace I used to, without feeling absolutely trashed.  Speaking of trashed, my hands are unfortunately not improving at all.  Hot water does help, though, which makes me love doing dishes more than ever (I'm not being sarcastic - I actually really like washing dishes ). 

My hair is coming in curly, which it actually always was, except that it was long and weighed down, which subdued the curl quite a lot.   People say it looks great - it is not too bad but I am dreading that phase that will come soon, where it sticks out in a million directions and has a mind of its own.  Beats the alternative, though, lol.....

I can't write any more, I'm falling asleep....WIW - thanks for your way of being so encouraging and supportive.  I'd be even more cranky if I were still having to take drugs like so many of you are, and having to put up with aches and pains from those!  Hugs and medals to all of you.

I'll write more, hopefully soon....Take care, ladies - enjoy summer, and the fact we're all still here!

Love

Laura

Hey gals,

Just did a quick check in. Sal loved your stories... you should be a story teller.

the music fest was a total blast, highlight for me was a backstage pic with Gord Downie from theTragically Hip. Will post a few pics later. had a lot of ups and a few downs, but it was all a learning curve. Trying to develop the new me..... its not easy.

Love you all and will touch basis tomorrow,  Huge hugs to the most amazing women, suz

Oh SUZ!  You look FANTASIC AND HAPPY AND just wonderful!  Looks like a whole lot of people having fun!  So glad you all enjoyed yourselves.  Very Cool!

Joy?  Wondering how you are doing and hope all is still continuing to go well!  Hang in there lady! 

Laura....3 more days!  Whoohoo!  Remember to rest up saturday lady!  You're going to busy i'm sure after sunday!

Oh {{{{Amy}}}} Dang it all!  I'm sorry you are having to wait and do that bx! Why couldn't they just get you same day and do the biopsy?  Shoot!  Waiting after all we've been through is JUST NOT RIGHT!  There should be a 'go to the head of the line" with these scares!  Tell them (the docs) I SAID SO and there!  Take that doc!  Shoot....  Hope it's NOTHING, but I hear you on the fear, and just want to say,we're here and we will be girl!  Here's {{{hugs}}} and prayers and many, many good thougths as you wait and go through this danged crap again with the waiting.  So sorry...

Ladies! 

Joy-- still holding you in thoughts and prayers. Man, that stupid chemo is really running you thru the wringer this time. Sounds like you must be absolutely exhausted... mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm praying those cancer cells are in worse shape than you. (And hoping that those lousy ex-business partners get what's coming to them too!!) Do let us know the date of your last tx so we can all be thinking healing thoughts for you that day.

Amy-- so glad to hear from you. I really missed you. Feel like you're the "mom" of this group... since you started the thread, I mean. Sorry to hear about your mammo problems. Praying that things turn out ok in the end. Hey-- if you end up scooting up to Maine this summer, don't forget to lemme know... we could try to meet and say hello. I'll buy you an ice cream and give you a super, duper hug.

Laura-- what an incredibly looooonnnnnggggg journey your poor hubby has had to get to Canada. I'm sure that saying you will appreciate having him with you is the understatement of the year. Sorry that you're still having pain in your hands. I wish all our aches and pains would subside.

Suz-- your pics are awesome. I imagine you as being someone who definitely gets out and enjoys life to the fullest. How cool.

wishiwere-- congrats on the hair trimming. Another minor milestone.

Kimbly-- thinking of you and wondering how the hair is coming along.

I'm doing well. Went to local cancer support group again this week but didn't come home all depressed for first time. Guest speaker was a cancer counselor and I mentioned that it was hard for me to hear anyone talk about negative things regarding cancer, especially recurrance(s). I said I knew it was a form of denial, but she said no... actually it's simply making the decision to control how much stress I'm willing/able to handle at the time. That made me feel better, not so much of a wimp.

Looking forward to August.Going to fly by. Tomorrow I spend day with neighbor/friend driving up coast of Maine. Next weekend I have my final reconstruction surgery. And my siblings coming in to support/celebrate. And family get-together. Weekend after that my mother-in-law comes for visit. Weekend after that my niece turns 6 and has party. And to finish the month, I'm going to Vegas with my best friend and her hubby (my hubby doesn't want to go, long story)!

Missing the other ladies, but hoping they are well. I totally understand the need to distance one's self from the whole cancer scene, plus simply being busy with life. 

Gotta scoot. Hugs all around.

-Sal 

Awe Amy {{{hugs}}} I would have sent you instead at the drop of a hat.

 I'm so sorry that you have to go through the wait and worry thing again. Try to chill and not worry (easier said than done) One thing we can be thankfull for is that they are staying on top of any little blip, so we dont have to go through this again. Hindsight....... yea, I would have done things different too. But we had so many choices that we didnt understand last year. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Joy. Im so glad your mil is there to help you. You are in my thoughs daily as you go through this a second time. I so here you about just not caring about the scarf/hair thing. Im sure it bothers others way more than us. I have shocked many people at the door with either my shiny noggin or my short fuzz, whatever... its not like it was a choice.

I wish you well with your court case and hope your feeling up to it. I have one coming up soon, no date yet but hope it gets settled out of court. They want to drag me through the mud, but I didnt do anything besides being the unfortunate passenger a bad MVA.

Laura, Im so happy dh will be here so soon, Painting the house is a huge job to tackle, Try not to wear yourself to thin. Your right, its such a struggle not having the same energy levels we had before this all hit. Good luck on Sunday!!! I'm so happy for you and will be thinking of how happy you will be when he is finally here (dont forget to keep us posted)  I hope you can find some sort of relief for your hands. When a few of my knuckes went bad they used quartezone (sp) shots and it was amazing the difference it made.

Sal, sounds like you have it all together for august, I hope you have a blast. Your stories cracked me up. I used to work with the public a long time ago, so I here you on the out of place comments as well meaning as they may be. In my opinion sometimes its better to travel without the dh along. I NEVER take mine on travel to visit my family, dont know why but it never works out well. So after 20 something years I just dont even bother asking him to come, and he is very happy with that.

Kimbly, I think we are all going to be hitting a lot of ups and downs as we cruise through the tough memmories/anniverseries and dates. I am fighting the urge daily to not explain the hair issue. Its like Im not quite ready to let go of the reason for it. But Ive done it a few times and its not easy. Hopefully it will become a new habit.

Wishiwere, you have become our solid rock of love & caring, thank you. Just wanted to let you know i appreciate you and all your support.

I know things are serious here and I hope its ok with you guys if I bring a little odd fun along. Its the way I am. I have always used pictures to tell stories as Im not the best with words. I work very hard when I work and I used to play hard. Just trying to bring a bit of that back into my life on a small scale.

I am also coming up on all the "first dates and exams" Im scared and I dont want to think about it. I tackled the spare room in my house over the last two days, it was full of so much crap.... but when I got to the bottom of it I realized this was where I was at when I found the lump last year (August 15) I had to walk out as I as crying so hard, dh didnt understand what was going on. I seem to have piled a whole ton of crap on top of everything (like I was burying the situation) Anyway I made it through to the bottom and had all my carpets done at the same time. I know Im rambling and this probably doesnt make scense to anyone but me. But it sometimes helps to just let it all out.

I send much love to everyone and completely understand that some of you need a break from all the cancer crap. I think of you all anyway and send out cyber hugs even if you cant see them I hope you feel them.

Much love and hugs, Suz

I found lump Sep 10 ; Diagnosed Oct 8

A couple questions I'll be asking my onc when I see him in Sep, but maybe someone here knows the answers... 

Question: how long do you have to be cancer-free before you can say you are in "remission"?

Another question: since I had bi-lateral mastectomy, I don't have to have mammograms anymore (there's nothing to x-ray). So how do I check for cancer now?

And now for something to lighten the mood...

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line. (that's awful)

-Sal