Male with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma

ceanna

voncloft, setting boundaries is a tricky thing. Limiting information is easier. Perhaps, you can just send the briefest of texts saying you will answer when---you're off work, not on the road, not napping--whatever would seem to work with them to show them they will hear from you, but if you ignore them, the likelihood is that they will continue to drive over uninvited. If you can't talk with someone, maybe a quick google search on "setting boundaries with parents" will get you to some good resources. It didn't start overnight and won't stop immediately, but try to be consistent with them. Please don't feel guilty. Inform them after the fact if necessary. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid set limits.

wrenn

I hate people saying cancer was a gift but I do think for many people cancer is an awakening and maybe cancer is giving you the opportunity to change the dynamic of your relationship with your parents. Change is hard for you and them. Them being hurt and you feeling guilt or exasperation but maybe it will smooth out into a new way of being around them.

Trust your instincts regarding what you need and what you will tolerate. They’ll get it eventually. My daughter blew up at me finally last year and it broke me to my core for months but now things are better than ever and I am glad she nailed me.

AliceBastable

von cloft

Maybe you can tell your parents that since you have a lot going on, you will not be available to talk by phone, but you will answer texts twice a week. Let them know that long, nagging texts will be deleted because you have too many IMPORTANT things to deal with. Then stick to it.

I worked at a membership library several years ago. One member wore dresses like I did as a child in the 50s, with short puffed sleeves and full skirts. She wore little white gloves and a little straw hat. Her hair was cut in a short bob with straight-across bangs. When I'd try to recommend new books to her, she'd say, "Mother wouldn't like that." This woman was around FIFTY, with gray hair. Scariest thing I've ever seen. She'd never left home, and I don't think she worked. It was just her and Mother. Yowza. Sometimes I pictured a female Norman Bates situation.

Some parents devour their offspring. Not physically, but emotionally and psychologically.

Here's the exact hat and gloves. Ew.

flashlight

voncloft, As you begin and go through this journey you are going to be sad, tearful, and angry. Having BC is going to change you. You are never going to feel like your old self again. It does take a while for that thought to sink in. Change can be good. During this journey you are going to need at least one person you can count on for help. Have you thought of who that might be? Maybe you can deal with your Dad more than your Mom? I have a daughter your age and I hardly ever hear from her....unless she needs something. I have asked her to text me once a week, not much to ask. My other daughter calls every day. There are times I feel exhausted dealing or hearing about their issues. Since my BC diagnosis I have actually been able to say NO to a request from them and not feel guilty. Spending 5 or 6 hours once a week with your parents is way too much for them as well as you. Hopefully it wasn't laundry day! Hoping you can find a solution to your parents obsessive behavior that doesn't remove them from your life. Best wishes...

Anonymous

Sounds like this "helicopter parent" behavior has been set in place long ago. Those patterns are sometimes impossible to break (on the part of your mom and dad) so you have to change the relationship, and it's not fair that you have to do it NOW, while you're dealing with this threat to your life. They do sound incredibly obsessive, and it sounds unhealthy. There may be some support for you at the cancer center where you'll get your chemo (if you get it). I had a nutritionist, a massage therapist, a counselor, and all kinds of support there, for free.

My mom was stubborn but not like yours. When I had my lumpectomy (and dx through that) I asked her not to come to the surgery. She went over my head and showed up because she "wanted to sit with my husband" (my combat vet husband who can handle things pretty well on his own). I didn't know she was there because she came after I was in surgery. When the doc came out to talk to my husband, she was there, and heard I had b.c. She immediately told my sister and brother, and my brother told my two nieces, and (you see where this is going) they texted my daughter who was out of town and traveling alone; when she heard she was waiting for a flight and was terrified with no way to talk to me. It was MY right to share that news with my daughter, and I wasn't able to--I wanted to break it in a way that was positive, and that right was taken from me. I got very angry with my mother and brother and my mother tried to guilt me more by crying on the phone (how awful it is to feel you've made your mom cry) and my brother got on his high horse, saying his teen-aged children had the right to share whatever they wanted and he had no control over them. I was angry for a long, long time about that.

Claire in AZ

hapa

Luckily my mom never showed me any sympathy when I cried so I don't feel bad when she cries. That's just how I was raised. I'd say she's lucky I don't "give her something to cry about". I often wonder why this woman had kids.

von - I don't think you'll need to cut contact forever, just cutting it for a week or two will probably work to make them realize you're serious about setting boundaries. Right now, they get rewarded every time they cross your boundary; invading your life makes them feel better so they keep doing that instead of soothing their own anxiety. Cutting them out will make their anxiety skyrocket, but it will also make crossing your boundary a lot less emotionally appealing to them. I also agree with the advice about finding some support at your cancer center.

ctmbsikia

Oh von, after reading yours and everyone's posts from yesterday I am second guessing the setting boundary advice. It may not work. EVER. If one or both of your parents are truly narcissists. If you decide to try I wish you well, if not, I wish you the best in detaching yourself from them.

Here's a little of something I read on the subject:

"You can set boundaries without blaming, shaming, or fighting. But it does take a bit of the warrior spirit to stay firm. The key to setting boundaries with a narcissist is to stick to them. You will want to communicate clearly and directly each time. If you make a mistake and find that you "lose it" or say something wrong, just keep practicing and be accountable for your behavior. In the end you will begin to feel empowered and much better about yourself and your ability to cope with that narcissist in your life."

Let us know how you are doing. Isn't it funny it takes a cancer diagnosis to get another conversation started? It happens.

voncloft

My PET scan came back normal.....no metastasis were found elsewhere in my body. However they still insist on chemo and radiation along with a hormone pill for 5 years.

Traveltext

Great news VC. When do you start chemo? Most people here will have tips for getting through this phase of your treatment. And, consider radiation as insurance for clearing up anything missed by surgery.

This is all doable.

voncloft

port surgery is the 13th....14th is 1st chemo

ceanna

Great news on the PET scan!! Hang in there and you'll get through this!

Anonymous

Hi VC, you know how great that is? Super!!!!! I had to do the same course of treatment but I'm still taking the AH meds. It's doable. Those PETs are pretty darn accurate, so try to celebrate that good news.

Claire in AZ

MinusTwo

Von - GREAT news. Below is a link with a lot of chemo tips. I found it very useful to join the chemo thread with people going through the same things contemporaneously. Might be 'starting chemo february'? I also read the month before just to see what people were experiencing.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/69/topics...

AliceBastable

Voncloft

So glad to hear you had a clear scan!

MinusTwo

Von - adding to my previous congratulations that I do hope you will continue to post here.

voncloft

Honestly hearing the news that there are no metastises elsewhere in my body was uplifting......I just wish chemo was off the table at this point 4 sessions doesn't sound like that much.....but 3 months does of being sick!! (I'm assuming).....I just want to avoid.

Not to mention I am having a hard time trying to give up bad health habits at the moment...eating junk food, smoking are the big two....I'm capable of doing it....but it is hard to get those damn thoughts out of my head seriously its "smoke...smoke...SMOKE!!!!" almost a month after surgery - and being smoke free - my brain is still screaming "SMOKE DAMMIT!!". Or "Eat fast food, I'm craving a whopper from burger king for the 3rd day in a row man"

I'm ready for this to be over - honestly.

MinusTwo

von - I quit smoking with Chantix. It worked really well for me but some people have weird dreams. I think my dreams were from nicotine deprivation. It's the hardest thing I ever did. This smoking thread isn't very active but there are lots of good tips. The watch word was "Just for today, I will not smoke". It's sublimation - one day at a time. Reward yourself when you make it through your short term & then long term goals.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/152/topic...

I can't remember what chemo you're scheduled to do, but my docs gave me wonderful drugs with the infusions and I never had the least bit of nausea. There was diarrhea, but I found that easier to deal with then throwing up. (Light Day Panty Liners may become your good friends). This was true of both AC and TCHP infusions.

voncloft

It's TC chemo which I heard "T" is the devil....I have no idea what I'm signing up for but I hope everything goes well.

I will try chantix very soon....I already have weird dreams with this damn port surgery coming up lol...why not up the ante? lol.

ceanna

voncloft, please look at all the things you want to change as "one day at a time, one issue at a time." Try Chantix for smoking, but give yourself a little leeway with eating until the smoking is under control. Then try little things like giving up the fries when you have a Whopper. I find the major things to look out for are sugar and junk carbs. Whole foods--protein, veggies, and fruit are what you want to aim for. One small step forward at a time!! All the best.

DebAL

von, sorry you joined us. Good news on clear scans! I did 4 rounds of TC and honestly breezed through it. I had my infusions on monday and went back to work Thursday. Probably could have gone back on Wed. I walked 3 miles everyday including day of chemo. They give good pre meds so didn't get sick. Side effects are cumulative so after my 4th I was a little tired but it was really doable. Wishing you the same experience! Take care

hapa

You will probably get steroids with your chemo, which may make you ravenously hungry. I ate worse during chemo than I ever have, and I was eating vegan whole foods before that. I hate to discourage you but this is not a great time to decide to clean up your diet. Chemo for me was not that big of a deal.

Also congrats on your clean scan

Traveltext

I sailed through 12 three-weekly chemo treatments (FEC and taxol) without serious side effects. I was advised to exercise as much as possible throughout, and I did. It’s most important that your don’t get any infections, flus, etc during this time. Easily said, but you will be very prone, since your body’s defences are knocked out by the chemo.

Dare I say it, but family help will most likely be very welcome at this time.

msphil

hello sweetie sorry your here but hope you get answers you need for peace with this.Don't hear of many men with breast cancer but I believe we are all in this together. I was planning our 2nd marriages when found my lumpbout of no where diagnosed with idc stage2 0/3 nodes 3mo chemo before and after Lmast then got married then 7wks rads and 5yrs on Tamoxifen. Praise God past yr am a 25yr Survivor. So hang in there keep Hope and Positive thoughts helped me. msphil

AliceBastable

I had to quit smoking before I had surgery for kidney cancer, right after breast cancer. Even though I'd smoked almost two packs a day (sometimes more than two) for half a century, I didn't have a problem quitting. I used the patch, and didn't need it after phase 2 was partly done. I did gain a lot of weight, though. I started radiation for my breast about six weeks after the kidney surgery, and that made me ravenous. I had lost a lot due to one cancer or both or whatever, so I gained it all back plus a little. But now I'm starting to lose again, possibly because I stopped taking Tamoxifen in December.

Anonymous

I wasn't sick the entire time with chemo. I felt pretty awful beginning about 3 hours after my AC tx, and for about 2 days after, but then mostly all side effects went away except I lost my appetite and ended up losing about 12 lbs by the time the AC tx was over. I made sure I had tx on friday and was back to work by mondays. Taxol (the T) didn't affect me at all the way the AC did; it was a shorter infusion, and I hiked with my dog and husband after each weekly infusion x 12.

Contrary to what others said above, the steroids didn't make me ravenously hungry--just the opposite. Hence, weight loss.

Everyone seems to react somewhat differently to the same kinds of drugs because we are unique to our own physiology. I agree that joining the Feb. chemo link will help, because you won't feel so alone with others getting the same or similar tx as you.

Claire in AZ

voncloft

It is officially Wednesday....my port placement will be put into tomorrow, and TC Chemo will start on Friday.

4 Sessions, once every 3 weeks......I'm hoping the worst side affect is hair loss....Time will tell.

MinusTwo

Hey Von - thanks for checking back in. On BCO there's a saying - I'll be in your pocket - so we cah be with you through the upcoming treatment. And we will be!! Lots of us are thinking of you & hoping for easy SEs.

When they put in the port, since you're having chemo the next day (like I did) ask them to leave in "the dangles". Sorry I don't know the technical term. It's to do with the connection so they won't have to stick to access the port the next day.

Taxotere & Carboplatin? You might want to ice your nails so they don't detach. I used frozen peas - start 30 minutes before & continue 30 minutes after the taxotere. Can't remember if anybody sent you the link to chemo tips, so here it is.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/69/topics...

AliceBastable

I'll be sending thoughts of strength and patience to you.

voncloft

Thank you all for your thoughts, they said they will leave the "needle" in, since my skin will be swollen and chemo is the next day....I'm ready for this to be over.

ctmbsikia

von, best wishes to you for an uneventful port placement. Did they tell you to get some Glad press and seal? It's next to the plastic wrap in the store, It works great to place over your port when showering right after surgery, and also if multiple day chemo and they keep it accessed with the dangles (LOL @ Minus) you can use it.

You can do it!!!!