Male with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma

hapa

edj is right, we probably understand you more than anyone IRL right now.

As for chemo, I was one of those who more or less breezed through. I worked full time except for the days I had infusions, but only because I was at the cancer center for a full 8 hours on those days. Often after chemo I would go into work to hit the gym. I worked out 5 days a week throughout chemo, man I have NEVER been so dedicated to fitness as I was then! If you are only having six or eight infusions a port probably isn't worth the trouble. If it will be AC+T and you are doing the 12 weekly infusions of taxol, then maybe the port is worth it. I had to get herceptin infusions for a year so I did the port, but I freaking hated that thing and was soooo relieved the day they took it out.

As for your parents, there are people in this world who cannot deal with their own anxiety so they just vomit it onto others and make them deal with it. It sounds like your parents are that type. I had to tell my mom that I had enough of my own anxiety and I couldn't deal with hers. For the most part I didn't keep her up to date about my treatment because anything I told her would just be returned to me in the form of amplified anxiety. So maybe just feed them selective information, and tell them that you don't want to spend all your time thinking about cancer so to please keep the unsolicited text advice and doomsday talk to themselves because you are getting informed treatment and advice from your medical team in an appropriate setting and still want to enjoy your life outside the hospital. If that doesn't help, maybe you can turn off notifications from them on your phone so it doesn't ring and their texts don't show, and then you can set aside time to deal with them instead of having them pop into your life with their BS every time a fleeting thought enters their heads.

Good luck. And I too love the dark humor. I laughed out loud at "TADA!"

MinusTwo

voncloft - to port or not to port... (Or prefer Sauterne?) I LOVED my port. I was anesthetized for insertion. I had been advised to draw on my chest w/a 'sharpie' where I didn't want the thing (like under a bra strap - which isn't relevant, or wide & side - which might be). I had them leave the "dangles" on and started chemo the next day. Yes, mine was recommended because I did have Herceptin for a year after chemo - but I kept it for 3-4 years and it was magic. Used for all blood draws, all scans like CT with contrast, all extra hydration bags of saline. Be sure to get a "power port" if you decide to have one. Finally, yes I was 'put out' for the removal too, although I understand some docs will do this in their office.

As for parents - in the days before cell phone, I lived across the country from my parents. I was "required" to call my Mother every Sunday - you'll understand the guilt thing. Every Sunday night I ended up crying after I hung up. This was still happening when I was well over 40. Yes I know, they just cared. Yes I know, she was trying to stay close. What happened was to push me (and my sibs) further away.

Like HAPA says, set parameters. Tell them you can't spend every day thinking about cancer. Set an agreed upon time to call them - once a day? every other day? once a week? only after doc appointments? What can you live with? Ask them to make lists when they think of questions - and you can look at them once a week. If they can't adhere to that, then do set your phone/tablet/whatever to silence any texts & calls from them and let them know you will do this if they can't comply - or maybe call it giving you the courtesy as an adult to figure out where you're going. If you can't stop yourself from looking, check just once a day to make sure THEY are physically OK, and do not respond until the time limit you have set. Let them know you'll call them if you need help.

MinusTwo

Just realized our "advice" may seem like more of the same hassle But you know you can blow us off if you want & we'll still be here to support you.

voncloft

I would never blow any of you off - you are way more understanding - you actually have gone through this. My schedule is picking up and my time here will not be as it was originally :-/....and of course when treatment is finished I will stick around to help others. I will return the favor to others as you all have for me. We all understand our circumstances better than any other person possibly could. Any advice or help I can give via support or medically (if my cancer helps with curing and catching cancer for the future for others then this is worth it) I will give.

I just got home from my first day back at work and I absolutely feel normal for once. I was actually happy to go back to work (never thought I would say that lol) But after one week recovering at my parents with a drain in my side (as soon as I got two days in a row with 30 oz or less I CALLED THE OFFICE IMMEDIATELY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING!!)

(damn that was just pure torture....every damn day I just wanted to be left alone - but the doctor insisted I was to be supervised until the drain came out...and my parents babied me every day.....and never left me alone!!!!!.....when I was told I needed chemo at the appointment (with parents sitting in the room....yes apparently I can't go to the doctor alone anymore) I flat out asked "do I need 24/7 supervision" and both the oncologist and surgeon said I didn't, matter of fact I could go back to my normal routine after one day - I have never been so happy to hear the word no before)

and staying home at my apartment for a week I was ready to go back.

But yes my parents are going to get the mute treatment soon....although I wouldn't be surprised if they drive over to my apartment to intrude on my solitude. I've tried saying it nicely that I don't need to overthink multiple times, I've tried telling them I need silence, solitude, and privacy nicely...and they just don't listen. They are overbearing and it is taking a toll on me.

I am only getting the port because my oncologist said the chemo would trash my veins so they are opting for a vein near my heart ... I'm putting total faith in my medical team. I am a blank slate at this point. Luckily its just 4 sessions once every 3 weeks. I was told that I would go bald (we'll see I'm not going to "guess" for side effects everyone is different with chemo - but who knows if I do and like it I might keep the bald look and go full Heisinberg after my hair comes back and just keep the goatee and have blue rock candy at my desk for anyone that passes by lol (although my parents would whine and complain about me being bald - "YoU hAd SuCh NiCe HaIr"))

You all have given me some very informed advice and it is greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening to me vent and showing support. The plan is to get a PET scan on Friday, go for chemo education on the 7th, physical therapy on the 11th, surgery on the 13th, and chemo on the 14th. I keep getting mixed information on sedation honestly - some say completely knocked out....others say asleep and aware but just not caring about anything.....I fear the most being when they remove the port in the future how it will feel - when the drain was removed it felt like bubbles under my skin....I just want to prepare for a catheter being removed near my heart in the future.

The side affects that I have heard were: baldness, tingling in limbs, purple finger nails, nausea, and possible fertility issues in the future (I don't want to have kids in the future....so that one doesn't scare me as much lol)

2019whatayear

OMG it is so exhausting when you have to comfort everyone around you. I only told my mother with my actual voice and then gave my mom and my hubs permission to tell anyone else. Told my boss and told her to tell the rest of the office Anyone I told I did via text. I didn't put on social media until I was finished with chemo. I think I'd rather have had a couple extra weeks of Taxol then have to tell people face to face about having cancer back when I was first diagnosed . It sucks the life right out of you.

Port placement is more of a big deal than I would have thought. You get sedated so they won't let you drive yourself home and you probably won't want to - and the seatbelt is irritating. I had to take the next day off work because it hurt like a son of a gun. Was very helpful for the actual chemo.

When people ask me what chemo was like for me I tell them for me it was like being hungover. Which makes sense, too much booze is ingesting poison just not enough to make your hair fall out. :-) I only had a little discoloration on my two big toes. I ran most of the time throughout chemo and I never vomited. They give you good drugs to combat the side effects so listen to the nurses. Chemo Nurses are the best nurses.

Lastly you probably won't feel out of place during chemo - at my hospital there were more men than women when I went. You will probably be the youngest person however. I was often the youngest person at mine and I'm going to be 50.

You got this. Also you don't need adult supervision during chemo unless you want it.

Before you know it the chemo will be over. Really it's hard to believe but it's true.

=Victoria

MinusTwo

Interesting Victoria - while my chemo treatment area was about 1/2 men & 1/2 women, many of the people were under 40 including a young pregnant woman. It was not just breast cancer cases.

Also - I did not share my diagnosis or treatment with anyone except my son & ex-DH and two best friends. I asked them NOT to tell anyone else. I just didn't want people calling or stopping & waking me when I was asleep or bringing food that I couldn't eat, or whatever. My first diagnosis & treatment didn't involve chemo so there was no need to inform anyone at work.

voncloft

2019whatayear and MinusTwo

I never felt out of place in the doctors office lol - not to sound cold but....I am more focused on my own self when sitting in that chair. When I was at the breast diagnostic team in the waiting room - sure yes I was the only guy there in a waiting room of women.....my one and only thought was "I hope this isn't cancer" not "wow...I'm the only guy".

I did however wish I kept my mouth shut a bit longer about my cancer prognosis (I showed my parents a swollen lymphnode...they wanted results every day!!!!) and I have regretted it. I mean sure I would have to tell them eventually.....but its just exausting deal with them.

wrenn

Voncloft, sorry you find yourself here but I like the way you’re handling it. Your humour is really going to make a difference.

I wonder if your cancer centre has a social worker who can lead your parents to support person’s support group? At the centre where I am they find that very helpful.

The pictures of the knife on the T-shirt were jarring at first because my son was killed with two stab wounds to the chest but when he was being wheeled out to the crematorium by his buddies I shouted after them “don’t pull a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s”. A couple of hours after my double mastectomy I updated my Facebook status to “RACKLESS”. humour has always helped me as well.

I would speak up to your parents more clearly and hopefully they get it I’m glad you found this forum. take care

Anonymous

Hey VC, I had a port--after talking to a friend who had b.c. a few years before me, she told me she loved hers--and I grew to love mine. I was asleep when they put it in, outpatient surgery--but it was taken out in my surgeon's office--took about 7 min. It didn't hurt putting in and it didn't hurt taking it out. I had chemo 48 hours later. It was on my left side, so no irritation from anything. It didn't hurt, ever, surgery or anything; you can take ibuprofen if it does. Frankly the surgery was kind of a non-event. I felt a bit like a bulletin board when they hooked me up for chemo using my port, and the chemo needle was rather like a push pin. But they used cold spray and numbed it up a tad and I barely felt it.

I asked my surgeon for it when he took it out because I had never seen it before, since it was installed when I was under light anesthesia. I turned it into art--I put it into a diorama I made about my cancer experience. Seriously. Talk about gallows humor It was very cathartic.

I found that I had to be really mindful about who I talked to during my treatment. There were certain folks at work who would come up to me with a look of pity, almost hyperconcern--like I was dying-- and ask me "how ARE you?" I know it wasn't intentional but they would always pull me out of a place where I probably WASN'T thinking about cancer or my fear about it, and drag me right into it. I got to the point where I really didn't share a lot with anyone.

When your mom warned you about FMLA- I know I've done something similar with my daughter when she was going through a rough patch and I wanted her to be okay, overly worrying her about things she probably already knows to do. Afterwards I realized that in doing so I've stirred up more worry for her when she didn't need really it and that's why she was irritated with me, with good reason. Now I have to work hard at trusting her to know what to do to take care of herself--(she's near your age). I mean after all I raised her to do exactly that, and she does a very good job at it. Sometimes parents are a little bit blind, I guess, when our kids are threatened. They'll come around.

Claire in AZ

Anonymous

VC,

PS: I don't know how big your cancer center or hospital is, but you might ask them if they can connect you with at least one other guy who had, or has, BC. The answer might still be no, but it's worth a try. There might be one or two other guys out there just like you.

Claire

Traveltext

One good place for you to connect with men who have this disease is the Male Breast Cancer Coalition.

https://malebreastcancercoalition.org/

Through editing the stories of bc men for the past five years, which you can read on this site, and through my work as a telephone and online counselor, I’ve met many men, in my country and others, and we’ve mostly stayed in touch. Hardly any men come to BCO with their stories or asking fo help. In the past five years, I’d say I’ve communicated with about 25 men here. Three of these have since passed.

For all the men diagnosed, and there are around 2,500 annually in the US alone, I reckon around 5 per cent of them come out publicly. Most don’t want to admit to having bc and certainly don’t want to mix with new cases. Why? Because the pink charities want to keep bc as a women’s disease so that the dollars keep flowing in. We are an inconvenient truth in the funding marketing of this sexualised disease. The good news is things are slowly changing. Here are some of the men I know.

KBeee

I had parents who were like that. I found it helpful if I gave them tasks. I asked them to make me a few batches of meatballs and some soup I could freeze. I occasionally gave them other things like that. They needed to feel needed, but I needed them to stop freaking out! It helped somewhat. I hated the sympathy voice from people too. I'm the same person I was before diagnosis. I get that people don't know what to say though...so they say stupid things. I am a paramedic and use dark humor all the time (which would appall most people). It did help during my diagnosis. You do what works for YOU. Others will have to figure out for themselves how to cope.

Anonymous

Kbee, I've been married to two combat vets (one a Special Forces medic in Vietnam who died of cancer in '96 right after we got married, the other also SF), so I like dark humor, I guess! I would say that joking about terror actually empowers me--laughing in the face of death, I guess. It doesn't work for everyone but it sure did work for me.

Love the photo, traveltxt. We are all in this fight together-gender be damned.

Claire in AZ

ctmbsikia

Oh wow. So sorry you had to join here. I agree that you should give your parents some tasks to help you. Nothing wrong with you telling them "Hey I need you to lay off, I know what I'm doing, but hey can you...…...for me?" Just a thought. I hope your PET is clear! My husband has a port and it was an out patient at the hospital, they knocked him out, and it's amazes me that they can access it the next day! Good luck with that too. Hubby only lets them access it for his chemo, he does all his labs the usual way. He is currently battling lung cancer.

I was diagnosed with BC, same as you a IIB 'cept I had a micromet and no auxiliary nodes were removed. The strangest thing for me was that #1 I instinctively felt, this will not kill me, let's get it taken care of. I was also in a euphoric like state as my beloved Philadelphia Eagles were in the play offs and 8 days post op I was on the Benjamin Franklin Pkwy all padded up at the Super Bowl parade. Best day of my life!!!

Then, as the euphoria wore off from that my radiation started and so did the emotions. I've had all of them. What you are feeling is quite normal in BC world. So, we're here for you. Vent away, and dark humor never bothered me!!!

voncloft

Thank you all for your responses, life has gotten very hectic lately a mix of "life going back to normal" and "medical sh*t is ramping up again" I have tried specific "male" support groups but aside from the fact very few men get BC, and not many are "that open" about sharing experiences/feelings in general.......I will stick here. I frankly don't care if someone knows "Oh....you're a guy and you had/is fighting breast cancer" my reaction has been recently "YUP!!!!" with no shame or qualms about it.....cancer is cancer at this point to me, it does not discriminate.

I just feel so exhausted at this point - I am finally back at work (my first week back) but also I have this overwhelming dread of doom for the damn pet scan coming up - where it will take 36-48 hours [just because I don't think 400 steps ahead....does not mean I can't be prone to anxious thoughts waiting to get the results back and of course medical bills will keep going up (granted I only have to pay deductible + max out of pocket; then I am done)]. Followed by chemo - to which I have joked about where I will look like Uncle Fester.....wheres my lit up light bulb?

I have my pet-scan this Friday, followed by a chemo education the next Friday, followed by physical therapy a few days later....only to have surgery on the 13th, and chemo on the 14th. Now I will always have an attachment to valentines day (been single for all of my life (proudly might I add)) but now I find an attachment to valentines day...while others reminisce about love/romance/and emotions - I can actually say "Oh...first time with chemo" - its funny to me. Try to juggle all of these with a full time job......yeah I can say I fluctuate between misery, anxiety, complete apathy (yes including to my own health and other peoples emotions - a side I never new of until I took Vicodin for my pain....I was in pain....I new I was in pain...but on pain meds - I just didn't care......that "not caring" bled over into other aspects such as apathy to others sadly.....it is like pandoras box, now that emotion is here to stay sadly),and flat out "ready to throw the towel in" - I'd say the following below.

I just want to get the damn chemo over with, the radiation over with.....and just take a fricking hormone blocking pill for 5 years straight. If there is one advantage to cancer is it is very eye opening....and "freeing" as in "I am awake". I honestly connect to Walter White so much now (not the illegal BS that he did) but a lot of the anecdotes that he said such as the speech about him possibly getting bad news on a scan...but until that time - he is in control. I find solace in the fact that yes I do have an expiration date.....This could have ended very badly (still might who knows) but this is a preface of one day - yes there will be a time where NOTHING CAN BE DONE!!!. It oddly is therapeutic and freeing to me. Don't get me wrong I am still getting treatment......but it does have reality set in to the point of where the "young naive adult - I am going to live forever" is snuffed out- and I like that. As depressing as that sounds, it is freeing to me. Thankfully I have dark humor to keep me sane.

hapa

von - I had that same freeing sense when I came to accept that I am going to die someday. I didn't get there quite as fast as you did. I think accepting death is really the only way to ever "move on" from a cancer diagnosis and go back to living your life. You're going to die, you were always going to die, whether from cancer or something else, so you might as well get comfortable with the idea. All that's left to be decided is how and when, but those are just details; the end result will be the same. Sounds like you're deciding to stick around? I'm glad you feel comfortable here. Take care.

Anonymous

Actually accepting that we are all going to die someday is freeing for anyone, not just us (b.c. survivors). VC, you will always have a different outlook on life compared to the rest of the world that has never been faced with a cancer dx. I lost the love of my life and spouse to head and neck cancer when I was 36-and we had just gotten married 3 months earlier. That experience changed me. After that I realized what really mattered in my life and it wasn't all the material, shallow b.s. I thought really mattered before that. My own cancer dx 15 years later brought me back to the trauma of losing him, and I got fierce--really fierce about getting through treatment, literally gritting my teeth and marching right into the horror and fear that I felt. Instead of terrifying me more it empowered me. I kept up with my normal routine because damn it I wasn't going to give cancer any more power over my life. Some were uncomfortable with my approach (my mom) but it was what I needed to do to get through it.

Through research and reaching out to friends who had also been dx with b.c. allowed me to find treatments that seemed to have a bit better response to reduced recurrence (dose-dense chemo was one). I brought those tx up to my docs, who supported my requests whenever they could. It's how I got dose-dense chemo infusion instead of the every three weeks administration of a normal course of AC chemo. I was treated in Sedona, which was a gift, because I hiked after each infusion with my dog, who came to chemo with me and waited in the car (hubby took care of her). I did the things I loved-teaching, hiking, writing-all through chemo and radiation. That approach empowered me and reminded me I wasn't a victim.

One final note: be sure you prepare for that PET scan properly. As I recall, you weren't supposed to eat any carbs or sugar for a certain time before the scan--apparently these types of sugars can cause places in our body to light up, looking like problems, when in fact they aren't.

Claire in AZ

tadover

Sorry you had to join us, but you have gotten some great advise so far. I was asleep when I got my port, I was a little tender in that area for a few days, but nothing too bad. I still have my port in place now, nearly 6 six years later. I don't even notice it much now, unless I bump myself in that area. I was and am single living alone while I was taking treatments. I never experienced any severe side effects during treatments, so I was able to drive myself to and from treatments with no problems. I was just mostly tired and took lots of naps whenever I could. I worked full time office job throughout all of my treatments and only took medical leave I had built up over the years. I think everyone has a different experience from the treatments, some good, some bad. You'll figure it the further along you go. Good luck to you!

MinusTwo

Yes Tad, I did the same. Except for the port placement & surgeries, when you have to have someone pick you up after anesthesia, I drove myself to every chemo. I scheduled chemo on Thursdays & worked Fridays - then had the weekend to lie low during the worst SE days to be ready for Mondays. I drove myself to rads every day for 5 weeks. It took longer to get there & change clothes than for the zap, so it can usually be done w/o impacting work too much.

Von - I too am glad you're sticking around. There are lots of good threads here to help get ready for chemo or surgery or rads. Let us know if you want hints. And Claire is right - best to not eat after midnight before your PET/CT since sugar does light up in the test. You have to lie completely still for 30-45 minutes before the scan while the contract is moving through your body since movement can also cause a "sugar burn" (not the technical term, just my words). Stillness is not one of my strong points so it's the only time I took Xanax.

voncloft

I finally blew up at my parents....I am 32 years old I know how insurance works, I know how to pay bills, I know I need to call them and make sure my up coming PET scan is covered.

YET....every damn step through this process of cancer my parents have babbied and coddled me... holding my hand WITHOUT ME ASKING FOR IT......For the past 2 months....they hit my last nerve. For the one millionth time in a week they asked "did you call the insurance company to see if the PET scan was covered"....YES I CALLED I DON'T NEED YOU TO CHECK IN ON ME - I'M PAYING FOR EVERYTHING ITS MY MONEY....YOU ARE NOT INVOLVED NOW LEAVE ME THE F*CK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!.I had enough I blew up - I don't care if I hurt them. I know I sound cold. But I do not need to be told what to do every step of the damn process. I don't need someone to tell me what to do - LET ME FIGURE IT OUT!!!! IF I MAKE A MISTAKE...I MAKE THE DAMN MISTAKE - thats how I fricking learn!!!!! I don't need you to put guardrails in my life "to make sure I am safe"......

This is my cancer - I don't need you to coddle me and treat me like a damn teenager that just got their license. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!!!! OR YOU WILL LOSE ANY INPUT IN MY LIFE OF ANY "BIG EVENT" no "I got a mortgage for my house" - that will end up with "did you get an inspector to check the roof? are you sure your job will keep you for 30 years....are you sure......" - nope any big event in life....you lost it. The simple fact I tell you something....you jump right in and kick me out of the drivers seat of my own life....I AM DONE!!!!!!

I AM DONE HANDING CONTROL OVER TO SOMEONE ELSE - PASSIVELY....JUST TO MAKE SOMEONE 'HAPPY AND FEEL IMPORTANT' while I end up making myself miserable.... I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! MY LIFE I AM TAKING CONTROL OF IT!!!!!! Cancer might have been the best thing I got actually - it made me exercise my fricking back bone.

wrenn

I once asked my 32 year old if she had her list of questions when she was on the way to a doctor's appointment. She replied "when you asked me that I felt like a child. It was very belittling". I try to keep a handle on it but I worry and sometimes forget to not 'nurture'. If she had cancer I would be a wreck.

I understand your frustration and hopefully your parents can get some help dealing with what they perceive as the possible loss of their child. Maybe set a time for an official "meeting" regarding your concerns and then suggest that it makes dealing with this worse. Hopefully them seeing it as helping you if they step back instead of them thinking you are just throwing a tantrum (not that I see it that way) they might work harder at doing the right thing.

ctmbsikia

Hey von, dare I say it, but it is OK to not answer their calls or texts. Trying to get a sense of how I could help you. If you didn't answer your phone and took a few days of cooling off, they wouldn't have the police do a welfare check on you would they? It is very hard for parents not to worry about their children. EVER, no matter how grown up, mature, and successful they become. I have a 33 yr old daughter and I would be absolutely crushed if she threatened to exclude me from her life. I also do not try to run her life. Her decisions are hers. If she asks for an opinion I give it, and when she's having a bad day I listen.

I am truly sorry you feel so out of control right now and that your parents are being overbearing. It requires boundaries. Establishing them now, under these circumstances poses a challenge, but I believe it can be done. If not, please seek out the social worker that should be available to you for assistance. Or, at the very least ask to sit down with Mom and Dad and calmly discuss your feelings and establish the boundaries you desire from them.

Anonymous

Wise words from the response just above mine. As for prepping for a PET scan--ASK. It isn't just stopping sugar and carbs the night before. I found a site on Cedars Sinai that has diet prep for a full body PET, which is probably what you'll get. Here's the site, you're supposed to begin eliminating a bunch of particular foods as well as caffeine.Scroll down to the body scan.

I wonder if you can provide your parents with a list of boundaries: they CAN do these things, but they can't talk about these things. I don't know how strong of a relationship you have, but if my 37 year old did that for me I'd sure honor it.

https://www.cedars-sinai.edu/Patients/Programs-and-Services/Imaging-Center/For-Patients/Preparing-for-Your-Exam/PET-Scan-Preparation/

voncloft

For those who say to ignore/block on the phone....they will literally drive to my apartment and knock on the door themselves.....I can't make this up.

MinusTwo

von - I got it. On top of everything, are you an only child? I was the oldest and "coached" about everything. I finally got off the 24/7 hook after my 'baby' brother (10 years younger) went through puberty. Much of the constant niggling was transferred to him. Just like we didn't even know to come in out of the rain. I was sorry, because he was having enough other problems, but I was thrilled it wasn't me every day anymore. If it wasn't phone calls or visits, it was letters.

No, you can't make it up. It's horrible. Those of you who counsel keeping in touch just can't imagine what he's going through. I don't think Von is the one 'out of control'. Although it may sound like a tantrum, the frustration gets unbearable. You love them, you hate them.

I moved clear across the country in order to live my own life. I didn't tell my parents when I had surgeries until they were over. I didn't tell them I was pregnant until 4 months - and that by mail. I wouldn't let them come when my baby was born until he was a month old. Some people can't help trying to take over everything about their children's lives.

Sounds dumb but I always hang my dish cloth on the kitchen faucet. My Mother always put hers under the sink. Habit right? At one point my Mother said I was only leaving it out when I visited her house to annoy her & why couldn't I just put it away. And when she tucked it away at my house, I was equally furious - because it wasn't there when I needed it!!! EEEEEK. That stupid memory is still clear & hurtful 50+ years later

That said, yes I am a mother and can see the parent's sid. Like Wrenn said - I still struggle to 'butt out' some of the time. And like Claire said - I try to hear the lists or the hints about boundaries. I've learned not to question & to be grateful for what he chooses to share. And not to whine & cry about it.

All that said, you might want to consult a psychologist just so you won't have such guilt about removing them from your daily life. Back to love them/hate them again, right? They may not understand they are alienating you, but you have to protect yourself first now so you can use your energy to attend to the cancer business.

voncloft

I am an older child, I have a younger brother who lives right across the street from my parents. I don't envy him....oddly enough because he is married....and I am not - I get the impression they see him as more of an adult that me. Lets put it this way he is able to just "do things" without opposition....I on the other hand if I bring up the simple fact....say my car is acting up - the fact that I told my parents about it..(I had every intention to fix the issue myself.....yet they just barge in and kick me out of the drivers seat .... I literally only tell them because "hey I'm visiting why not just socialize"...big mistake)..they will jump in and try to force me to do things their way just to save $5.....instead of just going to the shop and getting it fixed (sure its more expensive) they will say "no no... go to this place where I work.....its 5 dollars cheaper to do it my way." When I tell them "I never asked to do this for me" and I do it my way...they get offended and hurt. Just because I am single does not make me less of a man....I have zero interest in getting married or having children.

When I moved out - I told them "I got a couch for $400" from a furniture warehouse. MY MOM WANTED ME TO HAGGLE WITH THEM AND GET IT DOWN TO $350 and literally volunteered herself to do it herself. I just wanted to pay the $400 and be done with it....I didn't care about $50 .... but she kept insisting the place was made to haggle...I flat out just didn't care. I'm surprised shes not telling me to haggle with the price of the surgery I had recently. No no....44k....have them do it for 30k......AGHHHH (with insurance I'm not paying anywhere near that much)

Yes it might seem like a tantrum....but being passive for the past 2 months (and every big event in my life that I never stood up for) - this fuse was lit a long time ago...and frankly it reached the TNT. 1 week of recovery was enough after my mastectomy at my parents house. We live different lives and are incompatible - I can't spend more than 6 hours with them...168 hours...I was ready to make another incision .....and not on my chest where the mastectomy was done. Honestly I wanted to wait until I could do my own laundry batch - nope mom came in and just took my clothes and mixed it in with her's and dads. If I left a few coke cans on the table in my bedroom she started to throw them away for me (even though I was in pain...I had every intention to throw them away once the pain pill kicked in), They didn't understand I could make my own food they'd keep barging into the bedroom I was recovering in asking "Do you want x" .... nope if I want something I will make it.....they ignored the request and did it anyway. Once my drain was ready to be removed they never understood why I would leave and go back to my apartment.

Before my cancer diagnosis I would visit them once a week for roughly 4-6 hours (one day) before my weekend - so I would get a guaranteed quiet weekend. No "We miss you"....you saw me yesterday now leave me alone! I want solitude. I spent 5 days straight dealing with people....I want me time. A bit of a rant.....but now almost every damn day is about them, and their feelings.

It is maddening at this point....I just want to get my treatment, and go back to the way things were. I hate saying it - I love them, I wouldn't say I hate them....but its gotten to the point where I want to cut them out of my life, like I did my cancer; just for peace of mind. Long story short my parents have control issues and it is driving me insane they refuse to cut the cord. My mother will literally try and run my own grandma's life (her mother)......I just want to be "leader" of my own life. Honestly this blowing up at my parents had to come sooner or later....this was the final straw. Every "big event" good or bad just ends with me passively letting them control my life, while I sit at the sidelines not learning anything from the experience....and when I step up they cry "its because we love you" ..... Honestly I wish they would just butt out already.

ceanna

voncloft, I'm sorry you're in this situation with your parents in the middle of dealing with healing and treatment. The cat's out of the bag about your diagnosis and surgery, but perhaps it will control the amount of interference from your parents if you limited the amount of future information they have about potential treatment and options. I'm not saying don't answer your parents, and I don't remember if you've said anything about being able to text with your parents, but perhaps if you give a brief 4-6 word response to a question in a text, they will know you heard them, and they would know the answer. Texting allows you to respond in your time and not their time if they consistently know they will get an answer from you. If they don't text, give them a cell phone and teach them how!! Probably from their viewpoint, they're just worried about you, but my guess this a pattern of behavior you've experienced all your life. Maybe as part of your future treatment, you and ask a nurse navigator or care professional if you can talk this over with a social worker or counselor. Sounds like establishing some boundaries between you and your parents is needed Not something to do in the middle of medical problems, but something to work on in the future. Feel free to vent here anytime you need!! Gentle hugs!!!

voncloft

From this point on I am limiting my information from them. I've tried setting boundaries....ignoring texts and confrontation just ends up with them driving to my apartment....to flat out them feeling offended that I am refusing their love....all their narcissistic belittling is disguised as "we love you" pity. They refuse to let go. Yes I can see their side they never thought their oldest son got cancer.....okay great....whatever being over bearing doesn't change the fact I need chemo. I just want peace and quiet....but I can't even enjoy that before then.

Frankly its just best to let this be the last big event they know of....if I choose to buy a house......they will find out after the fact of me buying it. That is just one of many examples I can think of for the moment.

hapa

I'm sorry von. I think you should tell them they're not welcome, that if they come you won't answer the door, and then proceed to let them bang on your door until the neighbors call the cops. My mom was/is controlling, but my older sister got the brunt of it. She is currently no contact with my mom. I, on the other hand, did the no contact thing in college. It helped to set a boundary that my mom still tries to push, but things are definitely better than they were before I did that. I don't know your parents so I really can't understand why they continue to disrespect your request to be left alone about it. It's not like you don't already have enough anxiety in your life without also having to deal with theirs.

voncloft

I am hoping it doesn't go that far to cut them out of my life 100%.....it will be a sad day if it comes to that. It would need to be a major red flag on their part for me to consider something that extreme.....but the future is unpredictable I will need to play it by ear for that.