Just Get Over It -- A Rant

Beesie

MM, I didn't see this as arguing but a respectful discussion with a lot of interesting and different perspectives. And that in itself says that there is no right answer.

My only concern with any of this discussion (and the reason I joined the discussion) was that you had stated quite clearly what you planned to do, and the reason why. While the discussion is interesting to me (we have our share our parent-child relationship issues in my extended family), given that there is no right answer, I felt that you should be supported in your choice of action, not pressured to do something different.

TB90, I certainly agree with you about 18 year olds! Most of the "kids" in my extended family are mid-30s to mid-40s, which is a bit different. And with these adults, I know from experience that sometimes merely expressing an interest or asking how things are going can be considered "interfering". And sometimes trying to clarify what appears to be a misunderstanding leads to a defensive response that escalates the situation. I wish there was a template to follow on how to resolve family conflicts, but the truth is that what works in one situation might cause explosions in another.

MM, I hope your son comes to his senses sooner rather than later. Maybe he'll just realize he misses his mother.

MountainMia

Thanks, Beesie. Yes my son and his wife are in their 30s, both very intelligent and accomplished. I don't express personal criticism of either of them to either of them, and I try not to interfere, either within or outside of quotes.

Thanks again.

SummerAngel

Santabarbarian, I just want to comment that I think it's a really bad idea to call out someone you don't know and have only read a tiny bit about on an online forum as having BPD. There is no reason to assume the daughter-in-law has this disorder, which is rather rare and serious (my ex-husband has/had it).

MountainMia, I wish I had useful advice but I don't. My initial thought is that this is a situation made worse by the stress you both have been under in the last year and hopefully your son will get a grip and reach out to you once his stress level goes down.

Cowgirl13

MountainMia, I'm so sorry this happened. It would have devastated me and it's so awful that you don't even know what you supposedly did.

TB90

I have read the original post. I worried that I assumed I offered advise that was not warranted. I definitely had too much time in my hotel room and apologize for saying too much. Is a rant something we are supposed to ignore. Just support. It just might be. But women on BCO also want to help. My advise might not be relevant right now and not what you want to hear. But read it again in a year and it might be. I have never met a mother who is glad she respected her sons wishes to not contact her and left that forever. Accomplished 30 something year olds can still be foolish. And can still grow to regret their behaviour. I have not discovered the age that wisdom, maturity and responsibility sets in. I am not telling anyone what to do. I am giving advise based on 40 years of counselling experience. I have had way too much experience with persons suffering from regret that is too late to address. That is tragic and irreversible

MountainMia

TB90, I sincerely appreciate your thoughtful comments. I know what you are saying is wise and would work well for some people. Certainly there is a point at which I would say "enough" and contact him, regardless of his wishes. Right now we're only a few days into this. He is in the military and is working this weekend. THIS is not the time. This month might not be the time. I don't doubt we'll work through it at some point. I have not turned my back. Thanks again.

rottweilor

Hope you had a peaceful holiday....

MountainMia

rottweilor, thanks very much. It was a week full of emotions. A lot of it was very wonderful, and some not so good. Son and DIL did come to visit, though they cut their visit short by a day. One thing that was a positive was my husband and I filled in our daughters on this difficulty. They were very supportive and more understanding than I expected.

Things are still not okay with Son, but there is a tiny amount of exchange with him. I think at some point, he will want to talk.

thanks again.