Husband thinks it's just a bump in the road

DMHGF

So I'm having a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy in 2 days and all my husband wants to do is lecture me on everything I need to get done before I go. We own a family business in which I do 90% of the work. Also he has personal projects in play that he "needs" my help with before I'm "layed up for a couple of days".

He just keeps saying my bc is just a bump in the road and he's expecting little to change in our lives and responsibilities aside from me recovering for a few days after surgery.

I gave him material to read about the possible side effects and time suck of treatment but he says that is just a possibility not a certainty, and it probably won't be bad enough to keep me from taking care of my responsibilities.

I will say he may be right, but he also may be wrong. He just seems so cold, clinical and irritated about it all. He has had many opinions about research I should do into how to mitigate side affects and eat rights etc. That may seem like he's at least interested but instead it feels like his biggest fear is being inconvenienced.

I have always been the caretaker...of the home, the kids, the business....I'm really afraid he is not even considering stepping up in any of those areas.

Has anyone had situation like this that ended well? If so I'd like some advice on how you approached it!!

I have enough stress right now and this has sent my anxiety level almost over the top.

illimae

Hopefully he’s just being casual about it to put you at ease by implying that you’ll recover quickly and be fine, so no worries overshadow everything.

But, there can still be issues and he must step up. Honestly, the day after surgery I felt good enough to do things around the house but needed my husband to carry, reach, open things for me. He might also need to help with the drains, if you have them, the drain is in an awkward position to “milk” on your own and sometimes tissue from inside your body gets stuck and you’ve got to work it out, I’m easily grossed out, so this was my hubs job, lol.

You won’t be doing everything right away, I really hope he helps, ask point blank, if necessary. If he doesn’t step up, then he’s a selfish jerk. This is a common finding when the women of the house get sick unfortunately. Good luck 🙂

AliceBastable

You will have lifting restrictions if nothing else, so there will be things you can't do. i wonder how he'd feel if he had part of a testicle lopped off? You could offer to do that... 😈

mike3121

It could very well be a "bump in the road." That's what this stuff is like. My wife's had a long and difficult road these, well almost 7 years. Yet I've read of others; they get the usual AC and Taxol and are never heard of again. Yet there are others that are gone in less than a year. Lot's and lot's of variables.

Annie60

Are there any other family or friends that would help out if you need them and he doesn't step up? This "bump " can be long and difficult or maybe you will be one of the lucky ones that sails through with few SE's. There is no way of knowing. Don't try and be Superwoman - if you're tired, lay down, sick - forget his chores and take care of yourself.

Please let us know how you are.

Sjacobs146

There is a book called "The Breast Cancer Husband" that my husband found very helpful. Perhaps you could give a copyto yours

DMHGF

Thanks everyone. Great advice. My mom is coming to take me to surgery and stick around for a few days. It just seems odd that a 52 year old woman with a husband and 5 grown children would have to ask her 80 year old mom to drop everything and become her support. I know my daughter will be here for me as much as possible as well but she is just newly married with a 6 month old (he's my happy place :-)

I don't want to end up resenting my husband over this but I'm feeling that happen already and we're just in the beginning phase of this thing. Ugh.

I will play it by ear and hopefully I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't need too much help. 1 more day and I find out. I'd really hate to have to turn in my superwoman card haha

Anotherone

So he tells you what YOU should do as opposed to doing it himself? That is very telling.

What does he do while you are care taking of everything and on top of it breast cancer now?

It may be a bump on the road , it may have some life changing ramifications in both expected and unexpected way for both of you..

gretchy

I don't think my husband gets it either. He is all like think positive it will all be ok. I agree with the person who said how would he feel if he is getting a testicle removed. For me I just educate my husband on what I want to hear. I don't want to hear everything's going to be alright I want to hear "you're not alone" make a list and ask him what things on the list he can do or hire someone to do. Many cancer organizations have resources like for free transportation and house cleaning. I'm sorry you have to deal with this when life is already so hard. Sending gentle (hugs).

edwards750

I hope he’s just in denial too and trying not to show his own fear and anxiety. If he’s not he is a selfish jerk. I also agree we women are the caretakers and caregivers and our spouses don’t know how or don’t want to know how to take over our roles.

This is all about you. End of discussion. My DH was supportive but he has always been the follower not the leader. I know he cares but being the cheerleader gets old especially when we just don’t have the mindset or desire or physical ability to be one.

Bless your mom.

Regardless you can do this. We are proof of that.

Keep the faith and keep us posted.

Diane

sweetp6217

Dear DMHGF, I had the other side of the coin (a couple of years ago). My husband was super helpful most of the time and understanding, ONLY because he was the caregiver for my MIL previously when she went through surgeries and chemo. Since we and especially he had experience with this kind of thing, he was prepared for my chemo, surgery and radiation. It seems that those who haven't been touched by this (a majority including some doctors!) haven't a clue.

P.S. I was there for his night of kidney stone pain, how soon they forget.

DMHGF

So surgery went well. I'm home and resting somewhat comfortably. Mom and daughter are hovering so I haven't had to inconvenience him yet haha

Results in on Tuesday and then if necessary, the "talk" will happen with hubby. Hopefully he'll step up and be on my team!

Thanks for all of the information and words of wisdom gals!!

Annie60

I am so glad you're doing OK and you have folks to hover! Take it easy and slow and don't push yourself to do things. Hugs and prayers!

Lomlin

I don't think mine gets it either. We have a business so I take care of most things at home. Including mowing the lawn. My daughter mowed it once for me. I really got no help, I did ask but got grieve for it. It sucks. It has been a year since my surgery, still the scar area hurts from time to time. And the tamoxifen sucks. I try to stay strong mentally. I go for 1 hour walks, that helps a lot. So does Xanax, I don't want to go on anti depressants. The doctors sure want to give you pills for this and that. My gyno wanted to put me on a pill that targets the lady part to possibly make it feel better (real dry, hurts when having sex) but has estrogen in it. Nope, not going to. She said the estrogen would be for just that area, don't want to chance it, ever.

edwards750

Medical teams do tend to throw pills at everything that ails you. I’m not one of those people.

Diane

edj3

Diane, you and me both. I don't plan on staying on a drug if it then requires other drugs to manage the side effects. Not with my current dx. No thanks.

DMHGF

So far my mom and daughter have been here to help. Hubby has pretty much just stayed out of the way but at least he hasn't been on me to do much. I think he knows my mom will probably give him he'll if he does so once she's gone home who knows hahaha

I got home from surgery around noon yesterday and by 5 I was making dinner and then cleaning up and washing dishes. My grandson was here for a while and although I couldn't lift him I did get on the floor to play.

I paid for it all last night! Very little sleep and some pretty miserable pain. I am allergic to most pain meds so Tylenol is it. Today I am trying to be good. Phone calls and emails for work only and actually planning a nap (that will be new haha)

It's a learning curve for sure :-)

SUPer52

DMHGE,

Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to take it easy. I also felt pretty good after my surgery and did things such as make dinner and clean up afterwards bc I wasn't in much pain. However, I have a large seroma that still hasn't resolved, and I keep wondering if I encouraged that to happen as a result of doing too much with my arm too soon. A lot of tissue inside gets moved around during a lumpectomy, and that internal healing takes some time. You also want to be very careful that you don't get an infection where the sentinel node biopsy was done. A friend of mine who had surgery shortly before I did also felt fine after her lumpectomy and snb and was doing easy tasks at home such as folding laundry. She ended up with a terrible infection. It's better to be safe, and you deserve a little time off and some pampering. Maybe you can convince your husband that allowing yourself the proper rest and care now will make it more likely that this IS just "a bump in the road" and a temporary incovenience. However, If you end up getting an infection or delaying healing from doing too much too soon, it will delay your recovery and turn the "bump in the road" into something more. Even a bump in the road causes the driver to slow down a little bit. Hugs and best wishes for a good pathology report!

wallan

My oncology social worker said that being diagnosed with BC is traumatizing and is like you have been hit by a car, emotionally speaking. Some people do think BC is just a "bump in the road" and do not see why all the worry and upset. But the reality is, YOU are affected physically, mentally, emotionally and you deserve pampering and TLC no matter how good you feel after your surgery. Please take time for yourself and realize you are running a kind of marathon from here on in. Maybe someone else in your family can step in for a bit or your husband can step up more.

These boards are great for venting and the support you will need. Your husband may be trying to minimize it so you will feel better, but more likely I think he does not realize the impact it has. Nor the potential seriousness.

Hugs to you and know you are not alone.

wallan

DMHGF

Thanks Wallen. I do feel better knowing you all are out there and DO know what I'm facing and feeling. I just need to be strong for myself no matter who else does or does not step up. I think the physical limitations have just hit me and make my fears seem more real. I can't expect my husband to understand that part.

DMHGF

SUPer52 I have learned my lesson! I'm so sorry you are still struggling. This is all new and if I feel good I want to be doing. I'm sure you felt the same. Dr says rest but we think we know our own bodies. I'm learning I don't know as much as I thought!

Take care and thanks for the advice!!

Annie60

DMHGE - how are you? Getting some energy back?

anotherNYCGirl

LomLin - This board has good suggestions https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/150/topic...

To all here, - Take care of yourselves!! I know how much I wanted to lead my life the way it was prior to my dx, but that was not always realistic and I paid the price with how I felt afterward. My mother always told me "If you do it, they will let you!" (in regard to my entertaining, hosting, etc, for all family events and holidays. She knew it was so much work and expense.) She was SO right!

I hope the people in your life step up to the plate and help!!

DMHGF

Annie60 doing pretty well. Thanks for asking :-) Energy is back but some annoying pain where they removed the nodes and I'm tired of wearing a bra to bed haha. I sent my mom home 2 days after my daughter's wedding so this week has been entirely in my own. I listened to my body and did things in sprints rather than marathons but for the most part I got caught up.

My husband did decide to weigh in on whether I should do chemo if it's recommended. I could tell he hadn't done too much research but also wasn't too interested when I tried to explain anything. His concern was how much length it would add to my overall treatment time, as I am moving into the most intensive part of my business year. He has been a bit more understanding and helpful (well less demanding at least) where he's comfortable though so maybe there is hope! I have post op Friday and then MO next week. She'll have my oncotype back so I'm sure we'll start putting the plan together. I can't wait. I'm better when there's a plan!

Take care everyone...and just breathe (my new mantra :-)

ksusan

It may be a bump in the road, but you're who got bumped.

Annie60

Chemo does take a toll on you - some more than others. But it can save your life. I felt like I was getting somewhere once I had a plan in place. I hope you continue to feel better - I hated wearing that dang bra, too!!

DivineMrsM

DMH, try to find ways to use your husband's abilities. So he's not a caregiver. You could ask him to use his expertise to help you streamline some of your responsibilities. Ask him to help you prioritize what's important, what's less important. Ask if he can take on a few tasks you normally do. My dh had to do the finances for a year while I dealt with bc treatment. It's not his strong point, but I emotionally couldn't deal with it.

Don't expect you family to “know what to do". Learn to ask for help, even if it is “hey could you toss this load of laundry in the wash." One task at a time. “Can you pick up bread and milk on your way home?" Ask your husband, ask your kids. Small favors here and there. I thank dh for all the small things. “Thanks for cleaning up after dinner." “Thanks for carrying the groceries in." “Thanks for watering the houseplants." He sees that I notice what he does.

There are ways to frame it, too. Say, “I need you to pick up milk." Need is the operative word. Men like being needed.

Also, when you just need a small favor, say, “Could you do me a really big favor?" Then ask for something simple, like, “Can you feed the dog?" It's nothing strenuous or difficult, but it helps you and they feel like they're getting credit for doing something important.

Work smarter, not harder. Order take out. Hire a cleaning lady once a month. Stop volunteer activities for awhile. Learn to be okay with the disappointment of others.

Try to do at least one fun activity a week with your dh. Even if its just a ride out into the country, take a walk together or movie night. Husbands can overlook the tough stuff if you carve out a little fun from time to time.

If you're not on anti anxiety meds, consider asking your doctor for a prescription. They can help get you through a difficult situation. You don't need to tough it out on your own. No one gives you a gold star for that. Take care of you.

DMHGF

DevineMrsM you are a genius. I did start framing some things that way already and it's made a huge difference. He's not only helped when asked but has started anticipating when something needs doing, knowing I'm anxious about it and just jumping in or getting the kids to help. I'm pretty darned impressed and very very grateful.

I did have a couple of mild panic attacks (VERY new thing for me and really unnerving!) I asked my Dr about anti anxiety but he said it's just my lack of sleep and prescribed Ambien. I didn't even get it filled. I hate taking meds (funny in this situation huh?) I have never slept more than about 5 hrs so I don't believe more sleep will fix my anxiety. I'm coping pretty well now but chemo starts next week and I'm feeling my freak out meter rising a bit. If it gets too bad I'll just have to ask again for something to help.

anotherNYCGirl

DevineMrsM, - thank you! That is wonderful advice for all here!

Annie60

DMHGF - what type of chemo will you be taking?

DMHGF

Annie60

I start 4 cycles bi-weekly of A/C followed by 12 weeks weekly Taxol.

BTW my hubby has really stepped up just recently! He's got the whole family rallying to make physical changes to the house for my comfort, he's taken me to most of my pre treatment appts and will be with me tomorrow. I am shocked but grateful and I let him know it!!