I was doing so fine.

cb123

Yesterday was just another day in hell. I ended up with suicide prevention on the phone and big, puffy, red, sore eyes. Some days are just that way.

BTW There are at least 20 supposed cancer support groups in my area. They ALL meet once a month. Is it just me or is once a month ridiculously ineffective?

Today will only be half way to hell. Maybe Sunday will be better.

cb

ElaineTherese

((Hugs)) cb123.... I'm sorry to hear that your life is so hellish. My breast care center's support group only meets once a month, too. Does your breast care center have a nurse navigator? Maybe, she can refer you to someone to talk to in the mean time. My nurse navigator is a survivor herself, and she is happy to talk with the patients anytime. Be kind to yourself.

farmerlucy

hi CB - hugs to you, you are not alone. The black well of depression is hell. No one who has not been there can really understand. I think that many times those with the most compassionate hearts are most vulnerable. So great of you to volunteer at the nursing home. That is not easy. I hope things ease up for you a bit today. My DS went to see Bad Moms and said he laughed until he cried.

barbe1958

{{{{{{{{{{{{{[[ cb123 }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

cb123

I cried because I had no shoes...until my brother-in-law called to tell me he has inoperable stage IV colon cancer with liver mets.. It's hard for me and my prognosis to be depressed today in the face of his prognosis.

Thank you for your support,

cb

dragonsnake

Cb123, I so sorry for your brother-in-law  diagnosis, all this is very hard to handle.

Maybe, you will find some wisdom or even some amusement  in my story involving birds. My grandma died of old age  several years ago. She died in an apartment that I  inherited. About a month after her death I was staying in this  apartment alone, overnight. It was a balmy summer day, so I left a balcony door open. I was sick, jet-lagged, and running a fever. When I finally started falling asleep sun was up, illuminating the room. I was closing my eyes, and briefly glanced across the room. An ugly dirty pigeon with missing toes was slowly walking across the room. I thought I was dreaming. I slept for a couple of hours, then woke up. No one was in the room. I move to the adjacent room, and here it was, my pigeon, pooping and dropping feathers all over the place. I screamed and yelled like crazy. The thing lifted off,  flew right into a wall, and dropped dead. I screamed and yelled more, then called my DH across the Atlantic, in  the US. The pigeon was still dead. I screamed more. After getting really tired of screaming and losing my voice, I took a bed sheet, wrapped the pigeon in it, rushed out of the apartment, and threw it down a garbage shoot. I was in a tee and undies, and, of course, I was locked out. Fortunately,  my mom decided to check on me. She had a spare key and let me in, then we bleached the floors in the apparment. I'm squimish to no end, and hate birds, let alone ugly dirty pigeons that live in big cities. When the horror of this event subsided a bit, I dresses up and left the aparments. The first one to greet me at the door on the grond was my pigeon, all alive and perky! He wasn't dead after all, probably, suffered a concussion only! A flight down the garbage shoot from the sixth to the first floor was therapeutic to him. (I have to mentioned here that the garbage shoot ends in a small room on the ground floor,right near the exit door of the apartment building.) The bastard regained his consciousness, and continued his daily routine on feeding off of garbage.  I was glad that he was alive, though. And it definitely was my pigeon as I had a really good chance to study his unique feather pattern and diseased toes. I do not know what to make of this story. Death happened before the bird flew in the house. No one died there since then.

cb123

Thank you DragonSnake,

I try to convince myself that it was just a coincidence. That in all my 59 years on Earth, a bird randomly chose now to fly into my house. But I feel like an omen's an omen.

Now I have someone to share cancer with. He's still new to it and still frightened of death. It will all be so quick for him, starting at stage IV. My sister, his wife, died of breast cancer about 4 years ago, I might go out to Texas and stay with him awhile. I'm doing nothing here but waiting for the SSDI to kick in. We may as well be some of that misery that loves company for awhile.

Thank you again for the story, it's a good one.

cb

Meow13

Despite my optimist overall attitude I believe I am suffering from a form of post traumatic stress syndrome.

dragonsnake

No wonder, Meow, after the recent biopsy ordeal.

Cb, sending good thoughts your way.

Please take good care of yourself, ladies.

cb123

It seems as if a lot of us have been "shell shocked" by this and we're left to just power through as best we can.

At least we know there's something wrong, we can be aware of the symptoms when they creep up and look for help. Even talking to the worst Suicide Prevention counselor is better than waking up dead.

Let's just cross our fingers and hope today goes better.

cb

cb123

Fuck me. There's no help anywhere. I'm just fucked on so many levels and I give up. There's nothing else I can do.

hanley50

CB - Please share what is going on! We care! Maryann

hanley50

I'll share with you...I think about giving up every day! Pills, gun, get drunk and get in my car and drive off a bridge? I've thought about it, planned it, backed out, thought about it, planned it, didn't do it...(YET!) Over and over lately.

A@#hole doctors, F@#!ed up treatment, things they say wouldn't happen, but did.

Lost my job and insurance (said they couldn't extend my leave past my FMLA....but feel free to apply for any open position once my treatment is completed...I say FU!), had to go on my husbands insurance 16 days before my surgery....got screwed by his HMO that wouldn't approve BMX cause I didn't test positive for BRCA...F@#! that S@#!...I actually have cancer, not just the possibilty of getting cancer, but who the F@#! am I? If I had tested positive for BRCA but didn't actually have cancer, they would have approved the surgery???? WTF!!!!

Here I sit with 1 boob, no hair and a tissue expander that leaves me in pain ALL F'ing day and night. I'm only 44 years old....WTF!!!

Meanwhile, everyone else in my life is enjoying themselves this summer....I don't begrudge them...but WTF???

IDK? I try my best to stay positive on these boards, but your post really struck me.

I know....this post is not helping you...maybe once I post it I will delete it. Misery loves company.

Maryann

<<<Edited to "bleep out" the foul language once I came to my senses...But still keeping my crazy break down posted in hopes to help someone else!!!>>>

barbe1958

Maryann, don't delete it. We're not all rainbow juice and unicorn farts here. We're real.

I lost my job 2 weeks ago along with my prescription benefits. I have to renew my Arimidex and can't afford it. Fighting for someone else to pay it will take too long anyway, hopefully I'll have a job my then, but for now, I'm probably going to have to stop taking it. I'm stage IV and Arimidex is my only treatment at this point. That to me is suicide but I have no choice.

I hear both of you and anyone else listening.

wam

Hey CB! Don't give up. You have been an inspiration to me. You just had a hard diagnosis in January. That isn't very long ago. Whining is not optional! Whine away but don't forget you have many friends here and you are loved

Lookforward

CB this does not sound good , can you get a referral to a therapist that specializes in a cancer diagnosis.

hanley50

Barbe - I'm sorry about your job...can someone pllllleeeeeaaassssse just gives all a break already! I am scared for you if you aren't able to access the treatment you need. This shit sucks!

When I woke up this morning I laid there for a couple of minutes thinking about my post last night. It's crazy the places our minds can go when we let them. How can I be doing all of this stuff to make sure I stay alive and then be thinking about ending it at the same time? Crazy! I haven't been taking my Celexa since end of June cause it was making me nauseous with all the other meds from surgery. I made sure I took it this morning and will continue to take it everyday along with my Xanax if need be. I need to get my head on straight and keep plowing forward whether I want to or not.

I came on to see where CB was at? No CB so far today CB - I hope you are feeling better today. Please give a shout out so we know your are ok. Even if it's just a big FU! I won't be offended!

Maryann

Lookforward

barbe I live in Alberta and all my cancer drugs have been covered, as long as I get them at the cancer centre. Does Ontario not cover your some of your drugs. Sorry to hear about your job, life is very unfair at times.

barbe1958

Lookforward, I got a card when I got the prescription at the Cancer Centre in Windsor and have paid 2 different amounts. The first one was only $30 and the second was free BUT I had a benefits card from work. I have no idea why it was two different amounts, either. It looked like it would be $600 for a three month supply. I know if I need financial assistance I could get Trillium, BUT you have to pay for a full year so they can see how much you need and then there is a yearly deductible. I was on it years ago and I had to pay the first $3,000 (my job didn't have benefits). I don't HAVE $3,000.

barbe1958

I should add, I'm on about 10 different prescriptions for various organs and body parts.....

Beesie

Barbe, my understanding is that the deductible on Trillium is based on income level. Normally they use the income level from the prior year, but I believe exceptions are made in situations where the income level has changed significantly vs. the prior year. So the $3000 deductible you had when you used Trillium previously wouldn't apply now. Your current deductible would be based on your current income level.

You should probably check out Trillium; it might not work for you but it is the Ontario program that was created to address situations such as yours.

Jennie93

Barbe, if you get the generic anastrazole, it is cheap, like $5/mo. even if you have no insurance.

Artista928

^^^ She's in Canada so not sure they have such deals like we have in the US. I think Barb should start a go fund me. It's amazing how many people want to help, and for situations far less dire.

barbe1958

Beesie, my income fluctuates way too much to benefit from Trillium as was proven years ago. The paperwork required is unbelievable and the program is really built for fixed-income clients or social assistance users. I would also have to produce receipts for all the meds I paid for last year for them to decide against my income what my deductible should be this year. Then I have to pay the deductible before I can benefit from the program. When we did it years ago we got ONE month of benefits before we had to pay the deductible again as they run August to August. I can't deal with that stress right now as I have bigger issues to deal with.

Lookforward

Barbe we also have blue cross set up to help with drug costs. I have a private plan, but also took blue cross through Alberta health care, is this something you can do, there is a monthly fee of around 70.00, I don't know what it would be in another province

barbe1958

Good thought! I checked it out and here is my quote based on my age and non-smoker.

Select your coverage Based on the information provided, we suggest one of the following plans:

Offer 1

Monthly premium: $235.13

Core Health, Prescription Drugs and Dental Benefits

Offer 2

Monthly premium: $251.33

Core Health, Prescription Drugs, Dental and Hospital Benefits

Offer 3

Monthly premium: $163.90

Regular Health Benefits Hospital Benefit

Lookforward

Barbe the coverage you receive from those plans looks good, I was self employed and kept my private plan after I stopped working but it has higher premiums than blue cross with more coverage in other areas.

starwoman

That is crazy Barbe - on top of everything else. If no other way appears, I second gofundme if you're up for it.

Mood changes due to AIs are a recognised side effect. From my own experience, 2.5 years on anastrozole, I had several periods of feeling particularly low, the first one about 4 months after starting the drug. Each period seemed shorter - from about 4 months down to about 2 months at around the 2 year mark. I felt my life wasn't worth living - not that life wasn't worth living, just my life.

I've wondered how much of this was a valid response to life situations, including a cancer diagnosis and treatment. And feeling like I can't get out of third gear since I started taking an AI - though I'm mainly furious about that. But I'd come through some tough health and life situations prior to diagnosis without feeling this horrible so for me, I think a large part of this has been a recognised drug side effect.

Wishing everyone ways through and peace. And thanks for that well-told nightmare story dragonsnake!

Beesie

Barbe, I don't know how Trillium would handle income fluctuations. But I'm quite certain that the deductible is not all due upfront. The deductible is calculated at 4% of income, with 1/4 of the deductible paid (through one's initial drug purchases) at the start of each quarter. The Trillium year starts in August, so this means that your drug purchases at the start of August, November, February and May must be self-funded up to the amount of 1/4 of your annual deductible. After that the rest of the prescriptions for the quarter are charged only the small pharmacist's fee. As for sending in receipts, this is only required for people who have a drug plan, since Trillium payments kick in after any other drug plan a participant might have, which means that the benefit can't be applied at the time the drugs are purchased. But if you have no drug plan and your pharmacy has you on file as a partipicant in the Trillium program, then you pay nothing after the quarterly deductible and no receipts are required. If your circumstance has changed since you last used Trillium (if you or your husband had a company or private drug plan then), Trillium might work quite differently for you now than it did then. But, as you said, having fluctuating annual income could be a problem, in terms of netting you a higher deductible.

Trillium Drug Benefit

Edited to fix the link, for anyone interested in reading about how the Ontario Trillium Drug Program works.

barbe1958

Beesie, the receipts are for the PAST year, not the one you are applying for. We had to send in a HUGE envelope of receipts to show drug use and pattern and cost. Then it goes to arbitration and Revenue Canada to confirm income, etc. The whole crap shoot takes weeks to months to get into effect and wasn't worth the effort the last time. If my deductible was $3,000 10 years ago, I'm pretty sure it'll be at least $4,000 now. That's $1,000 a quarter AND with Trillium you can only get a 30 day supply at a time so you are constantly paying the pharmacy co-pay. I'm on about 10 prescriptions, I'd need a secretary to run this operation for me. As I said, it may work for fixed income, but when I'm planning on going back to work it's just not worth the stress right now. Doctors signatures and reports are sometimes needed as well, especially when you get a new kind of prescription.