I was doing so fine.

cb123

This morning I was looking forward to 2 phone interviews for potential jobs I'd found over the weekend. One I cancelled because it was a bait and switch sort of temp agency ruse and the other, I still need to phone.

I was making breakfast and a fly was buzzing me, I went to the front door and was trying to shoo it out of the house, as I opened the door a bird flew in. It made one quick circle of the area near the door and flew right out. Then I foolishly, foolishly googled: bird in the house. Not good. Apparently it's a sign of death.

It really doesn't matter how healthy I feel and how much I try to forget and go on with my life. It doesn't matter how hard I've tried to convince myself that I can deal with this and go back into the real world, I still have a deadly, incurable disease that's going to kill me.

I went shopping in the real world yesterday and found myself chatting with the clerk, whom I've known for almost 10 years, about metastases and radiation this and that, that we on this forum all know about, but she has no clue. She doesn't live in the world of cancer, she gets to live in the real world.

So now I can't stop crying. I'm thinking of calling Shyster & Shyster, Disability Lawyers and going on disability instead. It just takes so damn long.

My wucking cheeks are gonna be wet all day. It's just past 9 and I've already poured myself a drink. I'll just suck it down today, because I can't seem to suck it up.

Thanks for the use of the hall,

cb

barbe1958

((((((((((((((((( cb ))))))))))))))

cb123

Thanks Barbe,

I feel a little better, several drinks later. I think I'll walk down to the drug store and pick up some chocolates. Might as well make this pity party complete. I'll probably feel 100% better after a walk.

cb

Maybe some of these? Who can be miserable when these are in the world?

barbe1958

LOVE those!! And those covered in chocolate would be even better!!!

labelle

Some days just suck! I got in my car and not one, but two warning lights came on-it made a funny noise last night when I shut it off. My owners manual says don't drive it, doing so might cause engine damage. So I need to have it towed. Called the dealer and they can't even look at it until Monday. I am so pissed-I have a "platinum service plan" that I pay plenty for so can't take it anywhere else.

Decided to do some baking and my f*cking oven isn't working either. Unreal! I bought the stove new like 6 months ago and I hate it anyway (oven temp is not even). Called my DH and asked him to pick up dinner on his way home. No car, no oven and stuck here. Pretty sure hubby knows I'll be crawling in the wine bottle before he arrives. Poor man, ex wife is a real wino and he hates the smell of the stuff, but it's pretty much the only alcoholic beverage I can stand. I never drank a lot prior to BC and don't really since, but some days (TODAY for instance) seem to require a corkscrew and a glass!

cb123

Labelle,

All we can do is just try again today and hope for better results, right? I'm not done yet.

pupmom

Maybe I can help you just a little bit. Two years ago a bird flew into our house and headed straight to my husband's office. It had to go down a pretty long hallway and take two right turns to get there. We opened a window and it flew out. I just had to google, and also read about bird in house meaning death. That WAS scary because I tend to be superstitious. But fast forward to now and we're both still alive and kicking! Hope you get through this slump soon!

cb123

Yeah, still feeling pretty bruised here. I should be able to suck it up by tomorrow. I just seem to be on the fence and the slightest little things send me off deep into darkness.

But it's one foot in front of the other today. Picking up test results from one doc and then off to find a baked cheesecake that I don't have to bake. That would be the plan if I could but I'll probably be too wiped out to go get the cheesecake. It's funny, I used to get all sorts of things done in a day, now I'm lucky if I get one or two things done. I get emotionally exhausted. Well, I have to get the test results and I can pick up some tortillas on the way home, the cheesecake might have to wait until tomorrow.

Enjoy your Stinko de Mayo.

cb

labelle

Sounds like you are a bit better today. Not sure if I'm actually depressed either, but I'm fairly convinced my anti-hormonal therapy is making me feel..............hormonal, like when I was pregnant and cried at the drop of a hat.....not really depressed, but not quite right. The other day I read that about 1/4 of us diagnosed with BC suffer from some degree of PTSD, so maybe that is it and it just seems like I'm having a run of bad luck (even w/o any birds in the house). One foot in front of the other and all that, trying it again today

After 2+ years of happily following a Paleo diet I'm having carb cravings too, uh! Some cheesecake sounds divine! Sometime I just don't know what's wrong with me. The whole thing seems too much and like you, I don't seem to get anything done these days, despite not working. Pretty sure I need to get another job soon, something to keep my mind busy and all that, but I can't seem to get on that either.

Happy Stinko de Mayo back at you. I told my husband I'd like a bottle of tequila for the holiday, but he said he didn't think so and since I got the car towed this a.m., guess I'll be sitting this one out!

dtad

Hi labelle. So sorry you are having a hard time. From the outside looking in it sounds like you are experiencing SE from the anti hormone therapy. I think its hard to have self awareness about hormone changes. Its like when you have PMS and people ask you if you are hormonal and you deny it but as soon as you get your period you realize they were right! I also think it messes with your blood sugar levels. Im taking a supplement that might help with that if you are interested PM me. Hope you feel better soon.....

barbe1958

dtad, what supplement are you using? I'm on Arimidex and take magnesium, tumeric and B12.

labelle

I'm quite sure I'm suffering from hormonal something, LOL. Not sure if it is the Tamoxifen or just me as I've going thru menopause for the last 2 1/2 years. Even prior to BC my periods were irregular and I was having hot flashes off and on, bad PMS, etc. Although I certainly was feeling better before starting the Tamoxifen in Feb. I'm already taking DIM and using progesterone cream and eating plenty of flaxseed (along with a zillion other supplements). As a rule, I don't eat any processed sugar and not many fruits with a high sugar content due to the whole Paleo diet I (mostly) follow-lots of cheating going on there lately, but when I stick to the plan, I do feel better.

Anyway, some days are better than others, but things like cars that don't run and ovens that don't work, throw me for more of a loop than they used and more than I think they should. I just don't seem to be able to roll with the punches anymore. Then there is our sex life thing...............don't even get me started or I will cry!

So yeah, tell me (us) if you think there is something that might help with this blue feeling-other than RX anti-depressants-I have no plans to go that direction and you know, maybe feeling a bit out of sorts after a diagnosis of BC is a normal and healthy reaction to it.

barbe1958

MAGNESIUM

labelle

Already taking Magnesium. Definitely helps with constipation but doesn't seem to brighten my day! On the other hand, being constipated would no doubt make me more unhappy, LOL>

jenn32214

"Enjoy your Stinko de Mayo."

LOL, And I am sitting here bawling and I have yet to have any treatments and have never taken hormones.

cb123

Hi Jenn,

I don't know if I can say it will get better, but I can say it lets up. You just cry as much as you have to for as long as it takes. It will let up. It took me 2 and a half weeks the first time. Now each time it gets shorter and shorter. I'm down to 3 or 4 days of being miserable and only 1 or 2 of crying, at a time. Then many days of not being miserable.

Did you already have your surgery?

You're already doing better than I was, I just HATED everyone. Doctors, office support staff, insurance support staff. I was TERRIBLE. I wish I'd have cried instead.

And a huge FYI that I wasn't aware of at your stage: the hormone treatments are not hormone replacements, they're anti-hormones. Hormone blockers. Apparently cancer likes hormones and anti-hormone treatment is the way to go. Much of my hormones left with menopause.

I just started my treatment so I probably haven't had time for the side effects to kick in. I try to think of them as birth control pills. The side effects are nothing compared to not taking them. Besides, my menopause was barely noticeable, I'm not afraid. I had pretty severe PMS, including a monthly migraine, so menopause was a welcome change.

I don't know how old you are or if you've gone through menopause, but like all else to do with cancer, it's different for everyone. I've got my fingers crossed that my side effects will be mild, like my menopause was.

Try to do a little something nice for yourself, even if it's just a cup of hot chocolate, or a step out into the yard to look at the moon. You'll get through this.

cb

laragon_99

CB, I think you and I are similar. I started my hormone therapy about6-8 weeks ago and I swear I have been majorly PMSing. My doctor says its stress..... I disagree. This is different.

I have been going to therapy and she says that is is important to manage the depression so I can have good quality of life. Letting depression get in the way is wasting my time. Good advice. Difficult when I think its hormonal.

I too feel like Im living a lie, in "their world". It is so sureal. It drives me nuts!!! I am working, same job for the past 20 years... but it is so irrelevant now. Such a waste of my time. I'm so close to telling my boss to go f himself, but I need the income......

Im supposed to trust this therapy/treatment will give me many more years. How do I plan for it? Keep working? I dont have a clue how disability would work. Im certainly mentally disabled at this point (emotionally).....lol

Hang in there CB. Lets stay in touch. Hugs.

dtad

barbe....Im taking a supplement called Glycol X. It mimics the prescription drug metformin to moderate blood sugars. I believe its also helped me lose 22 pounds since my diagnosis and reduce my sugar cravings. Im not advocating it for everyone but wanted to share. Good luck to all....

cb123

Good morning laragon,

Your doctor is probably right. We're going through emotional trials that only about 20% of women go through. Stress is putting it mildly. Many of us have depression or even PTSD. I never thought I was depressed, but now I know I am. I always thought of it as it's own disease, but someone told me to think of it as a side effect of the cancer.

As a side effect, I'm very careful to remain conscious of it because as long as I have the cancer, I'll have this side effect. There are medications available that help increase your serotonin. I'm trying without drugs first.

I'm very careful to be aware and to not let my mind go too far with it's emotions. I never know what might throw me down the depression stairs, I only know it's dark down there and I don't want to stay. At first, that bird in the house thing was kinda cool, then WHAM! The minute I read the google findings I was gone. But I'm back. A few days later and I'm OK now.

When I see the depression signs, wet cheeks mostly, I take mental action. I consciously remind myself over and over that it will pass, that my mind will clear and that I'll be OK again. The first time was so hard because I didn't know that my mind would clear. I thought I was going to be miserable forever. But it did clear and hopefully it always will. Once I realized that it wouldn't last forever, I've been able to talk myself through. (self-hypnotize?) Music helps as well. It helps me cry it out.

There are two types of disability. Your job may offer a Long Term Disability through your health plan and then there's what the Gov't. offers. I'm a big Youtuber and there are lots of helpful videos. In fact SS has their own set. I like this Jonathan Ginsberg guy.

He mentions that if you're trying to work and it's affecting your performance, can't concentrate, or you're taking lots of time off due to depression, that you may qualify. So even if you're not stage IV or have less than a year to live, your age and your depression are considerable factors. Here's a couple of his vids that I found especially useful:

SSDI Over 50

Long Term Disability Insurance and Social Security Disability

Social Security Disability and Depression

US Social Security Dept Disability Playlist

Get your Social Security statement online (how much will I get paid?)

I'm still hopeful I'll find a job again, though I'm not sure how effective I'll be with the distraction of cancer. I might feel like you and just want to chuck the job once I get it. The work I do requires that I actually use my brain and my reason.

We'll get through this. Everybody dies, we've just been given advanced warning. We've been given an opportunity to make different choices with our lives before it's too late. Not everyone is allowed this opportunity.

cb

cb123

Back to my depression thread because I think I've found a way to describe it.

I've lost my confidence. Something's changed. Cancer beat me up a little bit and I just give up. I have nothing left to give. My efforts are half a$$ed, I sort of try but it's never quite enough. I keep getting shot down and it's too hard to get back up anymore.

My confidence has been replaced by doubts. Am I too old? Will they find out I'm sick? Why do I have to leave that part out now? I feel like a gay person in the closet. There is information about me that would prejudice people's opinions of me, if they knew.

There was a time when I believed that I could do anything, I didn't bother to think about it or believe it, I just did it and it all worked. Not anymore.

Thanks for the use of the hall,

cb

ARCats

cb,

I was just reading all the comments made here. The words about we are all going to die someday, we've just been given advance warning. This is so true, but we can use this in such a positive way, knowing that we can address things, make certain changes in our lives or just decide by the grace of God I will get through this.

Your last posting is correct, at one time I felt that I could do almost anything, now it's not so clear cut. The job I have now came after I was pushed out of a position that I had for a short period. I cried my eyes out, I thought my God how could this happen, and to make matters worst I was dealing with another diagnosis and I had to move because of my financial situation. To say I felt like I was going to die was an understatement. Ex-coworkers rejecting me, not because of my illness but because the drama of my life had to play out that way. I'm now working with visiting seniors in nursing homes and loving it, I get a chance to sit with them, pray with them, sing to them and hold their hand. They may not understand everything I say or the music I play for them, but I know that I'm there for a reason, to give comfort to those that have no one else.

Choices we make do effect others, and we have been given an opportunity as you said that not everyone is allowed or even wants to address. It's up to us how we use it. I don't know if all of you ladies for the most part realize that there are so many people that are scarred, confused, or totally lost. They turn to these blogs and they come upon all of you dealing with life, and the fears that you as breast cancer recipients face on a daily basis. What I've notice that no matter what you are going through you all try to help newbies and each other. You have all been thrown together under some of the worst circumstances, but all these beautiful hearts that now are dealing with so much pain of their own, help others with information, kind words or virtual hugs. My travel through this BC world is far from over, if at all because I also have my dark days, but with all my heart I know that here when I post no matter what, there will always be someone with a kind word, guidance of what to do, or what to except with this illness. I've been blessed with words of encouragement and prayers, and that's because there are still people here on this earth that even when they are facing their own dilemmas, they are still willing to give of themselves. For that and so much more, I want to say thank you, because you are all making a difference. Please don't ever underestimate what you all do.

Take care

cb123

Thanks AR,

I found respite from a job by volunteering. I work at a hospice care facility. But I can't find a job that pays. I too hang out with mostly seniors all day but I don't sing.

Some woman literally mentioned age twice during my last job interview. I know it's illegal and she knows it's illegal and it didn't stop her and there's ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do about it. My word against hers.

It doesn't stop me from wanting my life to end now. I currently take Xanax for this condition. It makes me not care. I used to be anti-mind altering drugs, not anymore. I pop them like M&Ms. and I don't care. Literally. Xanax fixes it so that I don't care. I knew a 23 year old woman, years ago, who took 3 x 2 prozac per day. She was 23 and otherwise healthy. Some people just get to screw responsibility and live on drugs and now I'm one of them.

I'm not nice to people on this forum. I got tired of explaining things to them. I just come here to write it out. I should probably journal instead.

Thank you for your response and best wishes in your journey. I hope your mind never goes here where mine's gone.

cb

It's not dying of cancer that's wucking me up, it's living with it.

ARCats

cb,

I will pray for you that the God I believe in lift the burdens off your heart and give you the peace you need.

You are in my heart and in my prayers.

If you have time www.col.tv is what I listen to on Sundays (City of LIfe)

cb123

barbe1958

Oh my!!! What true words!! It's not dying of cancer that is affecting me, it's living with it!!! Brilliant. You have nailed the issue cb!! That alone should be a complete thread.

I didn't read back to see what I've already posted but I've been on anti-anxiety meds for most of my adult life. It's the only way I can function. I have a chemical imbalance, not an attitude problem and I don't apologize for it. I have and have had, a lot of shit in my life and I can deal with it appropriately when I have help. I take Zoloft for anger and Wellbutrin for sadness. It took many, many years to find the right mix of meds to keep me safe.

I get it.

cb123

Hi Barbe,

I have some Zoloft I've never tried it. I probably should, it's an endorphin thing. Here's a cute video of and endorphin getting a ride to happiness. I could just take the pill and imagine this going on in my brain. LOL! They used to call that hallucinating, now it's reality.

( Molecules of the protein myosin drag a ball of endorphins along an active filament into the inner part of the brain's parietal cortex, which produces feelings of happiness.)

cb

barbe1958

Hmmm, I don't know if I get "happy" on Zoloft (been on it over 20 years) but it really, really cuts my anger back. When I think I'm okay and go off it I get seriously mad at everything.

artistatheart

ARcats, What a beautiful and inspiring post. I have Stage IV cancer in my liver and I am terrified. I know this will sooner than later take my life. I am not ready! I do not want to leave my family and my dear husband alone. I have moments that something sets me off and I absolutely lose it. Some days, usually just before scans and results, I cry off and on all day. However, most days I am living my life. I am trying to do things that make me happy. Spend time with friends, see one more concert, make some jewelry. Yesterday I bought a new car (that we can barely afford). But my old one was OLD and worried me that I would break down on a long trip. This new one, I jump in and just drive around the lake with the music turned up. I am not ready to throw in the towel. I want every slice of life I can grab. I will never give up until I know it is time to give up. I appreciate your optimistic outlook very much and wish you many years to spread the joy you do to others.

ARCats

artistathea,

Thank you for your kind words. You and your family are in my prayers.

ChiSandy

Just about anything can be an omen of death, fertility, or both--says she who got six double-yolked eggs in a row from one carton last week.

cb123

Artistatheart,

I envy you your life at Lake Tahoe. I used to live in Myers, in the neighborhood behind the bug check station. I think I spent every spare moment at Fallen Leaf Lake waterfall when I wasn't at Caesar's. I loved Sugar Pine too. When I see "Lake Tahoe" under your screen name, it brings back warm feelings of living in a snow belt. You're a lucky woman to be there, I suppose I'll have to visit again sooner than I'd planned.

ChiSandy - That's a lot of yolks. I wonder what's up?

Peace out Ladies, I hope your evening is going better than mine.

cb