STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

GoldensRBest

trippositive - I am so sorry for the 💩 you have been through. Cancer (any kind) is a 💩 trip and only those that have been dx understand what we all go through. One day at a time my friend and know that this place is the best place to rant. We are here for you🤗🤗🤗🤗

trippositive

Thank you godensrbest, I appreciate it.

bcincolorado

Face it, cancer it awful and no matter what you do your life will not be what is considered "normal" ever again in your life. You are scarred physically and mentally and emotionally. For many who have no good support around them it is even worse for those people. Then after you are compliant and do what you should you still need scans and wories and it coming back again even worse this round. Scan worries are real and a good center will give you results fast as well. I am fortunate to have one here for mine this month that is coming up and know I have an issue they are watching riight now and not rushing to biopsy me yet. Even with the new 3D scanners they still do ultrasound with dense tissues as well and read it and tell me because they know patients are worried. It takes longer but worth the wait to not to know right away.

LW422

BCinCO--you are so right. Today I'm having a damn pissed off day. Everything infuriates me and I know it is all the changes and bullshit from cancer treatment. It's just so damn unfair that we have to go through so much and then suffer the never-ending side effects. You hit it right on the head with "no matter what you do your life will not be what is considered "normal" ever again." I think when that realization hits, it is really hard to take. Damn cancer to hell.

KathrynW1thasea

Hi all, I’m pissed off and just need a place to rant and not feel alone in my anger.
Diagnosed from needle biopsy in early December and told by my sister not to tell my parents until after my dads 80th birthday on the 12th “because remember when you ruined Christmas all those years ago with your liver thing”. Then later “maybe you could wait until after Christmas to tell everyone about your breast cancer. Remember the liver downer”.

Surgery in February and chemotherapy in March. Parents buy a very expensive quilting machine for my sister and I to share, but it has to be at her house. Why? Because they all decided that would be best, without really considering it could be at my house. Then she tells me I can’t come to her house for 72 hours post chemo because of her secret heath condition. My infusions are on Friday which means Saturdays and Sundays are my good days on steroids. The rest of the week sucks and I work. But I’m welcome to work all day, drive 20 minutes to her house, making sure I don’t “contaminate everything I touch” for 20 minutes of quilting, then drive 20 minutes home, eat late and go to bed exhausted. Assuming I can see well enough to drive on AC treatment cycles. It messes with my sight.

It sucks! I’m pissed! The things I was relying on to help me get through this crappy time, spending time with my sister doing something we both love, is essentially off limits and my sister is mad at me for being mad about it. That’s an oversimplification because there’s more to the she said she said part of the arguments.

So now it’s good bye sibling fun, hello sibling alienation…including the niece and nephew who only hear the hypothyroid induced rage from their mother. The therapist says walk away from the toxic relationship. The family dynamics are forever blown apart because one sister has stage IIIA cancer, the other sister won’t explain her medical condition that makes me such a toxic hazard to her health when none of my doctors can come up with any such condition given the little I do know. So I’m just supposed to be persona non grata until I’m finished with treatment and be happy about it.

I’m so angry. Anyone else experienced a split from someone you expected to treat you with more support and/or compassion? Who disappointed you

Betrayal

Not really a split but a definite change in my relationship with my BFF. She is aware of my BC dx and the other health issues I have had to deal with such as a pre-cancerous appendiceal polyp that required a major bowel resection in October 2021. Never once has she asked me how I am doing or the progress of my treatment. I am stable at present but the past 6 years have been a roller coaster ride with first BC and then other medical issues. True she has had to deal with the decline of her DH from Parkinson's and Lewy Body dementia with being his sole caretaker and then his recent death. I have never failed to ask her about an update on his care (while he was alive) and how she was doing plus gently reminding her that she needed to keep abreast of her health if she wanted to continue to care for him. Her DD would help out but her adult DS who lives with her (scot free) refused to help her because he found it "too upsetting" and "doesn't like to sweat". I bit my tongue when she reported his feelings because he is a WFH, might help her when he takes his lunch break and waits for her to make him dinner. I still call her to allow her to talk especially to listen while she vents about how unfair it was that her DH had to suffer like this. It is heartbreaking so I want to be as supportive as I can even if she could not reciprocate.

bcincolorado

betrayal I not only have dealt with BC but was diagnosed with a form of FTD. Mine is is not lewy body which can be much worse to deal with mine with affects my speech for now and my memory which is hard and DH has to intervene with docs a lot of the time and talk to people because my words out loud are very limited in what I can say and sometimes say wrong words even though my brain knows better. I can still care for myself and have been diagnosed a couple of years now. and slow progression. With those diseases there is no cure at all sometimes the person even can't remember those that mean the most to them. I feel for your friend. There is a forum called the FTD forum she could join and there are people who could relate to her and know what she has been through if she has not found it yet. It is here. https://www.ftdsupportforum.com/

Jelson

kathrynw1thasea - I am so sorry your sister is behaving this way. It sounds like she has made-up a condition to compete with your cancer because she can't stand that your health problems have taken the family's attention away from her. I hope you can find other activities and people to share your good weekend days while you are in treatment. For the future you should consider heeding your therapist's advice.

KathrynW1thasea

betrayal: you are a good friend! Thanks for sharing your story.

bcincolorado: what is FTD? I have a dear friend who was diagnosed over 10 years ago with early onset Alzheimer’s that almost sounds similar. Her short term memory was the first thing to go, then her speech was completely lost. It’s a cruel disease, but there are wonderful moments when we know she is still in there reaching out to us. We celebrate those moments.

jelson: I am following doctors’ orders now. I realize whether it’s a legitimate health condition or just her husband being uncomfortable (which is also the case), the hurt has gone too far and I don’t have the energy to spend worrying about it or fixing it. I do have feelings of guilt for how it will affect the family dynamics, but I can’t control that either. I’ll try to remain the calm in the storm and focus on my health.

Thanks to you all for listening and taking the time to share

icouldreallyuseacupcake

I'm still recovering from BMX with tissue expander placement that I had earlier this month.

I was at the grocery store this week and saw a woman with a "Save the Ta-Tas" shirt on. At first, I felt a sense of solidarity and curiosity about how BC has impacted her. It's been lonely at times going through this, and she has obviously been touched in some way by this too.

Then I got to thinking about the whole idea of the "Save the Ta-Tas" campaign, and it made me angry. Dealing with the stress, physical pain, complete life disruption of going through everything up to and including the BMX, emotional impact, not being able to ###-ing sleep at night, constant pain, fear of future rejection of sexual partners, spending my hard-earned money on treatment. Not even hitting 40 yet and having to deal with all this ###... and what's the message? Saving the "TA-TA's"?! So, that's more important than saving lives... or saving people from having to go through so much pain and suffering of treatment... THAT's the message that they want to spread to people having to make this decision now or in the future? Saving my "ta-ta's" could have eventually killed me, or at least caused so much more awful treatment. I was fortunate enough to be diagnosed so early that it WAS an option for me... still, that didn't make it an easy decision.

When I take the 10,000 foot view, I totally get the intention--and it's a good one. I get the long-term view of ultimately finding a cure, and I hope that these products actually go toward research/non-profits rather than just companies profiting off this stuff. Sometimes it just gets tiring always having to take the big picture and go above it... because last time I checked, saving my well-being, my health, my existence, proved to be a little more important than saving my "ta-ta's".

Thanks for listening

AlwaysMeC

I am angry and upset today. Two months PFC and my family expects me move on and be the same person I was before, maybe even better. They expect me to ignore the negative feelings of despair and try to steer conversations towards whatever the hell they are looking forward to this weekend. Nobody ever asks how I am doing or how I am feeling. I am so done with people today. I wouldn't wish this crap on anyone, but God forbid it happens I am not going to be an asshole like they have been to me.

exbrnxgrl

icouldreallyuseacupcake,

Thank you for “getting it”! While I agree that the pink bc movement started with good intentions, it has evolved into something infantile and downright silly. It has led folks to believe that bc is cute, fun, and curable and no one dies from it! None of this is true but the pink ribbon wavers don’t want you to know that the number of women who die from bc is essentially unchanged for decades. And don’t even get me started on saving ta- tas. Can you even imagine a prostate cancer campaign urging us to tickle the testes or be good to the balls? There is sizable anti-pink contingent on bco. Wait until October to hear us roar!

Elderberry

exbrnxgrl: The original breast cancer awareness T's were a sort of apricot colour but the designer refused to let commercial enterprises use it so "they" went for pink. I have seen a few MBC awareness marches were T's are apricot. Is that better? At least it acknowledges people just save their ta-ta's by having a mammo, a lumpectomy and some pills for a few years and all is well.

Ha ha. I love the "be good to the balls"

Betrayal

LMAO about the "tickle the testes" and "be good to the balls". I was always pissed at radiation when we were given these ridiculous short gown tops to wear which clearly identified what part was being irradiated while the guys there were given scrub pants. Does anyone know how exposed they are for their radiation sessions? I hated the long waits in the waiting area as well because they booked appointments so tight and were never on time. So the number of people who knew your business was more than I liked. Guess you can tell the radiation experience was traumatic for me and one I hope never to have to have again. Don't get me started on that F####g bell ringing. Still startle when I hear a bell ring even if it is on an ice cream truck. Freeing for some I realize but not for all.

alwaysmec: please take care of yourself because you will find that this journey (not one any of us want to be on) can sometimes be lonely, definitely stressful and like weddings and funerals can bring out the worse in family members. Focus on you and come here, we will support you.

nopink2019

I agree that the start of the "pink" idea had good intentions. About 30 yrs ago I did a walk with friends to raise $ as we had a 30-something yr old friend who had just had BMX. It was scandalous to mention breast cancer. Some of you are too young to remember Betty Ford's announcement in 1974. https://cancerletter.com/in-the-archives/20210625_7/ Now the campaign is silly and has gotten insulting to those of us with this disease. I like them to mention that "cured" is 5 yr survival & innacurate with early stage. The term is NED. And that after "cured" 20% - 30% of women will experience metastatic disease.

KIDI919

I hate the ta, ta messages. Who are we saving them for? Unfortunately, breasts = sex. I understand breasts... marks you as a women blah blah. When I had radiation, it was guy day...I was the only women in the waiting room in a gown. It fing sucked. I said something to one of the "carers" but was blown off. I had to schedule my appt prior to work so I didn't have any choice about time or day. Then there are the people who think breast ca is no big deal. I was dx in 2019 and not once has my family asked me where I'm at with tx etc. It's like it never happened. I don't bother talking about it anymore because apparently no one cares where I am mentally or physically. The only person who understood was my SIL who died in Dec. She had lymphoma. We used to laugh ( and cry) about both of us having cancer. I lost my best friend when she died and I miss her every single day. When I go I hope we meet up and have our blue light beer together. I miss that shrew sister. The whole shrew sister is another story for another day. I know I should be thankful to be still here but some days I feel like saying f it.

KIDI919

PS , my daughter wants me to walk for bc in Sept thru her work. She was surprised I wasn't thrilled with the idea. How much $ do we have to throw at cancer?

wrenn

I was once asked at a check out (in October) if I would like to give to breast cancer. I pointed to my flat chest and said "I already gave".

KIDI919

good one wrenn.

icouldreallyuseacupcake

exbrnxgrl and all who replied to the “ta-ta’s” post, thank you for commiserating with me about this! Your tickle the testes line actually made me laugh out loud. I was actually thinking along similar lines, funny how we don’t see the same for, say, colorectal cancer.

Kidi, this points to your sexiness point about all of this… pretty sure if I plastered a photo of my post BMX chest after surgery on a shirt, THAT would be received in EXACTLY the same way! >_<

As a relative newbie to this “club”, it felt risky for me to post about that, so all of your support is so appreciated.

NoPink, we in the younger generation stand on your shoulders, so thank you for this reminder that having this community was fought for and created by women and folks like you. I was a little girl when my mother was diagnosed in 1988. Our family was extremely private about it, and she had to travel an hour and a half to a nearby city for her treatment, even though we didn’t live in a particularly tiny town.

Wrenn, your post was profound. It gave me chills.

bcincolorado

FTD is frontal temporal dementia. My form affects my speech and is call logopenic primary progressive aphasia. (lvPPA). Mine has none of the behavior issues as some of them but memory and my words. You lose what is called "executive function" and since I worked in mortgage office with lots of figures and paperwork and involved talking can't do it. Can't drive now either since can't make decisions and react fast enough to do it.

Love your screen name ineedacupcake!

ctmbsikia

Hi bc, thankfully you can type really well. I hope you have very very slow to no progression.

Kidi, sorry about your friend. That does suck. I only have one or 2 people ask about where I am and how I'm doing. I just had a visit with the MO which was fine and got my Prolia shot. He noticed me moving my left hand around a lot so I told him yeah it hurts. I guess I'm used to just tolerating my aches and pains and I really don't know if it's from the AI or just old age. He did put it in his notes, and now that I read that, the damn hand won't stop! That's just how my mind works, need to try and not think about it. June or July of 2023 will be 5 years and I will quit this AI. I don't want to know my risks, or take any risk tests either. I'm done with this pill. I'll just take my regular monitoring tests and whatever happens, happens. Trying to live my best life in the mean time.

Down at the bay cottage things are still moving slowly. I have 2 sinks working. My electrician brother and I put some light fixtures up and all the outlets and covers. The back little bedroom in still a bare nothing. That's where all the tools and scaffolding are. Hopefully we can get that monster thing out of there this month and we can get walls and ceiling up in that last room before season's end. It does make me happy, but also sad at times. My husband's sister who is also a widow just quit her job, sold her house, and drove here from Wyoming. Talk about flight mode. She has 4 grown kids and 3 grand kids. She is staying at sister in laws house. I visited and invited her down to the cottage, and she said no. I don't get this. It's fine with me, except for the fact that my other sister and brother in law who have been a great help to me are now catering to her and not helping me. The cousins that are down there also feel a bit slighted as they thought she would want to see them. I realize my sister in law was looking forward too spending time with her sister. She flew out there and rode back with her. Now that it's been a week, I will give it more time and see what happens. Strange family, you would think they want to stick together and see other family, but this one isn't like that I guess.

Take care all, only drop by occasionally, cause yeah Site format still stinks!

ctmbsikia

Middle room. I put gray stain on the one wall, and the other walls are pergo flooring that my husband had laying around.

Front room floor

My son, he's doing it all.

bathroom light. Both of these have been in a box for 2 years. Finally can use them.

bcincolorado

ctmbiska thank you. I work on words every day and often can type even slower now even if I can't speak out lout. We play charades sometimes at home even. Since we've been married 40 years now DH knows what I mean at least or if I say a wrong word for something (that happens too). Some people die within 7 years of being diagnosed but some go 20. We are pushing for 20 if we can and fighting it like I do my cancer.

Love your photos too!!! You have been doing so much work and know you will be glad to get it all done with at some point. You have worked so hard on this and had so many problems along away both with your own health and with family. You deserve some happiness.

mistyeyes

ctmbsikia - I love the work that you and your family have been doing, it is going to be amazing when finished. I love the bathroom lights, they are unusual and seem to be perfect for a cottage.

KIDI919

ctmbsikia, wonderful pictures! When doing construction, it always takes longer than we think it will. Good luck with the family. Me and my sisters just got back from Salem Ma. Nice trip but traffic was a nightmare.

ctmbsikia

I feel like such a ish this morning. My sister and I had planned to go down to the cottage this weekend. When I reached out via text she didn't answer. I sent another text requesting that she just answer yes or no. She does that sometimes, doesn't answer and it upsets me. She finally replied and said doc called regarding her latest scan and bloodwork. Hemoglobin count is real low -she's going in for a blood transfusion today and she will be going back on Ibrance as well. She had been off of it for just over 1 year, that stuff really worked on her bone mets. I guess this means there is progression. All I could do was apologize for not asking how she was instead of being the overbearing demanding sister that I am, and wished her luck. I will call her Sunday. Jesus, I'm such a schmuck!

I really need to sober up and be more considerate of others. I'm so lonely, angry, and hate being hungover. I feel so good on the days I do not drink I don't know why I do it. It's stupid! Must find a better way of dealing with everyday stress and maybe my hair will quit falling out!!!!!

Anyway, here's a pic. My son and I were there last Sunday. Gray stain on the ceiling. I really love it, but this mission is killing me.

Sunshine99

ctm, I have a sister and we "get it." Sometimes, we call each other just to bitch about something. Our joke is when one of us says, "OK, can we talk about me now?"

Cut yourself some slack. Your ceiling looks fabulous!

bcincolorado

ctmbsikia I am so sorry about what is going on. You want to be able to support them but also have to take care of yourself as well and be healthy which might mean not drinking since you said it is bothering you. We are here for you always you know. Hugs to you.

ctmbsikia

Spoke to my sister last night. She does have progression of bone mets and she received 2 units of blood on Friday due to low red blood count that was steadily dropping. She said she had been feeling tired and was getting short of breath just doing little things. The transfusion helped and she will be going back on Ibrance real soon. She was OK and just said, it is what it is. What her MO thought was going to be a 3 to 6 month break (from the last cycles of Ibrance) has been over 1 yr and 1/2 break or her. The last bone scan started to light up but not enough that they recommended she re-start this treatment. This most recent one however has lit up new areas. Sucks!

She and my brother in law are going to the beach for a 2 week stint in September, something she had looked forward to now that her kids are all done college. Brother in law's father and I share the same birthday. He is turning 100 this year. I bought him a card to send. So crazy, I never shopped for this type of milestone card, nor have I known anyone personally to live that long.

I will check on her from time to time to see how's she's doing. I'm glad she has a rental at the beach for 2 weeks that should help her mentally get back on the schedule with working, taking pills, getting blood work, and seeing the doc more frequently. I feel bad that I complain about appointments, but they still stress me out!

I managed to get the shower curtain up at the cottage with this stupid pipe hanger thing I found in the shed. I finally started to clean up my basement at home from doing all sorts of little projects down there. I organized stuff that is going to the cottage and am about 3/4 of the way through cleaning up cob webs, wiping down stuff and running the vac. Wonder if I can fit a twin size mattress in my car? That's what I'll try to figure out after work today. Better get back at it. Thanks for listening. Here's a pic of the curtain.