STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Artista928

I actually wanted BMX. My breasts were too big, dense and heavy. I'm in tissue expanders now until I finish rads and recover from it before perm implants. To me that's the only good thing that came out of this journey is breasts that don't sag to my stomach.

Tosca

I am so, so sorry, Emily4me ! Lymphedema SUCKS. I knew I was going to get it (double mx plus all nodes removed plus mega rads in the armpit) and I just did last week....my fingers doubled in size, which is fascinating and also disgusting. I so hope for you that your case is mild. I can barely turn a doorknob or type. Hugs to you!

CJSharma

My rant is little less intense - but I want my damned self centered sister to stop treating me as if I'm going to die!! This is even after my 23 year old daughter lit in to her. And she can also stop sending me those stupid memes - they do NOT help. She means well, and wants to support, but holy crap, every time I talk to her, I get an urge to check my will.

7of9

Not fun but so doable. Now the girls will match! I ran the sweeper and had a cookout a week after my BMX (shhhhhh) Not sure if you had it on both sides (I did not) then the odds drop to under 1% vs 20% odds of developing on non-cancer side anyhow. I said I'd take that cut in odds and run with it....

MoreShoes

7of9, I'm dealing for the third time with cancer. I'd be crazy if I don't do the BMX. It's just that I can't imagine myself without breast. Reconstruction is not an option, not any time soon, anyhow.

Valstim52

I'm in your boat Moreshoes. BMX, no reconstruction anytime soon. have to have my at different times though Too much surgery at once for me if I can work it out. Then rads. Then the wait and see what they didnt get, or if it's somewhere else. Always something to worry about. So I'm choosing not to worry. Planning a hawaii cruise in february.

kathindc

MoreShoes, check out "I look for other flat chested women: A rant" thread. I found it after my BMX to find other sisters in the same situation. I was surprised at the number of us who go flat or wear foobs (fake boobs). My motto is, "It's All About the Flatitude".

Deaconlady

Just want to complain about my weight. I had a gastric bypass 16 months ago. Lost 120 lbs. Got cancer diagnosis, gained 30. STILL trying to deal w/emotional eating! Geez, I need to get back on track but having a heck of a time doing it! GRRRRR

Thanks for this forum, I feel better now.

sensitivehrt

Needed somewhere to vent today. Really wanted to tell my supervisor to go to hell today. Before my DX of BC, I had just completed a medical assistant course and had planned on looking for a new job. I've been at my current job for 12 years and really have nowhere else to "move up". But now because of the cancer, I have to stay at my job for the medical insurance. I do love my job and most of the people I work with, but it was time for a change. I'm off the schedule in May due to my upcoming surgery. When I saw the schedule which my supervisor and another co-worker were looking at, I made a sad face, that I was going to be off for that time. My supervisor says "it's ok, we'll be here. You may not even come back. Maybe you'll find another job" WTF is she thinking. Does she really think I plan on just leaving. That I'm going to have major surgery and then just say see you. I don't even know, what other treatment I need (chemo ect). Sometimes, I really question if she likes me. It's been more than once. Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Ok......end of rant

MoreShoes

Vlastim, a cruise to Hawaii sounds perfect! I plan to go to Rome next week. The operation would be in May and then have to to do rads.

Kathinc, thanks for the tip. I'll check the thread.

Sensitive, in your mind and here, tell her to go to hell. Aloud thank her for saying she'll be here for you.

sas-schatzi

Ladies, anyone having surgery, Please, check out this thread. The topic box will explain.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/73/topics/843381?page=1#idx_4

Valstim52

thanks so much sas-schatzi.

sas-schatzi

MoreShoes, sensi, 709.........Sorry, for everyone's trouble. I had a BMX, I was in the prophy pipeline when BC was found. No regrets. The worst part was I had a really chitty PS that came highly recommended. Bummer. Lot's of complaints asthethically. Like cleavage going sideways, foobs too big for frame when I told him specifically what I wanted discussed many times before sx, and they slide into by armpits when I lay on my back. Other issues too.

artistatheart

Yes Tosca, Bitch away! We all get it believe me....I too feel pretty abandoned by a LOT of people in my life including two sisters who haven't called me since my Dx. I have a SIL who texted me to say that when SHE had Stage 1 cancer with a lumpectomy, she went through hell and was not out skiing like me! I guess she is angry because I am Stage IV and so far have not had chemo like her, so thinks I am not suffering enough or WHAT?? Although I have never even talked to her about my illness, never complained or brought it up ever. Just an attack out of the blue. Yes, I went skiing with my family for what could have been the last time ever......so sue me. And, I HATE when people try and guess WHY I got cancer.

Artista928

That's a big reason why no family except my bro knows. They'd all be analyzing why I got cancer. Yes I'm overweight, diet not swell and don't exercise... but there are many people like me who don't get cancer. Thankfully none of them live near to drop in so I'm getting by without them knowing or I'd be going mad on top!

Italychick

artistatheart, your sister in law is, plain and simple, just a complete shit bag. Why any woman going through this disease would be spiteful about what pain another person is or is not going through...I have no words.

We got this miserable disease because somewhere we got the short straw, pure and simple. I can't stand the blame game, what value is that? I exercise, eat organic, am slightly overweight, but my mom is 150 pounds overweight, eats complete crap, has never exercised a day in her life, shoots insulin so she can eat candy bars, and yep, you guessed it, no cancer for her! I have no genetic mutations, etc.

I had a woman who was my close friend for eight years disappear through all my surgery and treatment. Now that it is all done, she wants me to put her in front of the people who stood by me in this process. Yeah, that is so not happening

artistatheart

Yes, Italychick, I know this woman at work who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney and eats like a pig. She is loud, obnoxious, self centered and rude and does nothing but party her brains out. Yet she keeps tooling along. Maybe I need to follow her example! LOL! As far as the SIL she has been gunning for me since we joined the same family 29 years ago. I finally said enough and just cut her completely off, as did my husband, (his brothers wife.) Also, my former best friend who abandoned me after Dx finally decided to throw me a bone and invite me and Dh out for an evening with some tickets they had. As soon as we got into the event she walked off to go hang out with her "new" friends and left us hanging around awkwardly.....Another one to cut loose.

ladsgma

I walked into the ultrasound room before surgery and saw two roundish long wires and thought I pity the poor person that has to deal with those, but of course it was me. They made me lay down on my stomach and put my boob into a hole and I still thought it wasn't for me, still. I asked them what was going on and they said the wires were needed to mark the spot for the surgeon.They stuck the wires in, it hurt. I swear noone ever told me about that. I already had my iv and they could have given me something for the pain, but didn't. I rant because I was treated like a piece of meat.

sas-schatzi

ladsgma, Please, call the company in charge. tell them what you just described. Also, Tell them that you are calling your insurance compamy an lodging a complaint. Costumer service does make a difference. We can change costumer service

7of9

Ladsgma.. I was treated like hamburger at my biopsy of alternate breast (turned out to be benign) but they drilled at least 3 - 4 inches through the wrong side of the breast to get to the questionable area. I screamed, there was blood everywhere and I let the hospital system have Holy hell for it. It was abominable and I say that having had two other core needle biopsies that went calm, smooth, professional with mild pain. You are right, we or our insurance companies are paying for a service and should demand it be done with dignity, respect, minimal pain and mental fear or anguish.

Artista928

OMG. Anything that causes pain they need to use some sort of anesthesia. They put me out before even inserting the IV before my sx as I was nervous. I would absolutely create the biggest stink so no way would they do that to someone else!

Meow13

My neighbor suffered horribly on that table with the hole you describe. They told her they needed to do another biopsy like that and she was crying. Who ever that A-hole is that designed that should put in a stockade and pelleted by rubbish. I have turned into a super bitch. I think I made a big impression at UW hospital in Seattle my PS told me they have changed a few things since I was up there. He called me a strong willed woman. I was kind of shocked that this cancer has turned me into a patient to be heard.

mara51506

Rant started. So angry at my brother and sister-in-law right now. Started over something so stupid too. I basically tapped him on the shoulder, can't remember what I wanted to tell him. He basically shouted WHAT! at me. I got upset and got angry at him and was upset and embarrassed because this occurred over Sunday dinner with our respective families. According to my brother, he is SURE what I would have had to say was not interesting anyway. He does not care I was upset. Sister-in-law told me not everything is about me. Because having cancer over the last year was something I really needed to have to become the center of attention.

The reason it really hurt me is that my younger brother is so closed off to people and outright told me he did not want to hear any more "medical stuff" several weeks ago. I even went so far as to STOP discussing ANYTHING about my situation or any feelings. Then to have him outright say he was not interested in me and her to say that I think I should be the center of attention really hurt me to the core. It should not but it does. I worked HARD to respect their wishes and not discuss my situation. I needed to vent this off because I am still upset. Thanks for letting me do it.

Meow13

mara, I can't imagine how you feel. Your siblings sound very self centered and uncaring. Try to surround yourself with your friends. Can always let off steam here.

mara51506

Thanks meow, helped letting it off without involving other family. I appreciate it.

artistatheart

Mara, I feel the same way, that no one has put themselves in my place to try as imagine how I feel. Which is lonely, scared, abandoned by many. Even my DH prefers to keep it upbeat. So on days or moments that I feel teary, upset, scared, worried, whatever I have to hide it and go cry alone. My ( X ) best friend has not called me for months. It's awful how most people do not understand or try to understand. They are just glad it is not them....

pajim

OK PEOPLE!!! There are only so many hours in the day!! My mind doesn't work as well as it once did, and I can't keep all the balls in the air!!!!

Do not give me another project/event to run or problem to solve. It's really bad when you're further behind at 8:00am than you were at 5:00 the night before. . . STAY OUT OF MY OFFICE so I can get something accomplished!

I need a minion. I need two. Of course I wouldn't know what to do with one.

I'm sure the gray skies (for the last 5 days with 4 more days to go) have something to do with my feeling that I have 20 balls in the air, each about to crash into the ground. Sigh.

tangandchris

Maybe this is what I need....to come in here and just vent!!!!

I'm so tired of feeling upset about something. I realized yesterday that not a week goes by that I don't have at least one day that I'm coming un-done....this isn't normal right???

I think that cancer and the treatments I've received have totally screwed my head up and my emotions. I don't know which end is up sometimes, I'll feel depressed or anxious and I don't know why. I swear I used to have my shit together, but I just cannot seem to get it together and kept together for more than a few days at a time.

I have faith and I pray and talk to Jesus alot, but I wonder if maybe I'm just too messed up now to hear him or to feel him anymore. There are days that are dark....yes still. Shouldn't I be past this emotional turmoil??

There are good days and times, but I just think there should be more of them by now. I know that my family and what few "friends" I actually have don't understand me, hell I don't even really understand myself. I feel alone in my thoughts and feelings about what cancer has done to me. At times I don't even know how to come here and talk about it.

I even feel angry sometimes at the women that post about their worries about having BC. The ones that don't seem to really have anything to worry about. I want to tell them...Don't worry until you HAVE to worry!! Don't you realize what will happen if you do??

I know that sounds awful and likely bitchy, but it is something I have thought.

I'm still angry about losing my breasts too. Yep..I said it. I miss my breasts, I miss normal sex and having them be a part of sex. I loved my breasts and so did my husband. It sucks, more than sucks...it is heartbreaking.

I'm angry at my PCP right now too. He switched me to Effexor and it worked great for the first few weeks. Now I'm having problems and I'm gonna have to go back in AGAIN to have it adjusted I guess. Not until Monday, so I get to deal with these stupid brain zaps, shivers or whatever until then.

thanks for allowing me to post my drivel.

artistatheart

Pam, I feel the same way about work today. I feel like they just keep piling on more "duties" to my title to the point I simply cannot get it done. I work like a maniac trying to do financial paper and computer work the entire 8 hours with CONSTANT interruptions. I mean every three minutes. My desk is in a fishbowl full of kids, parents, teachers, and assorted others, all of whom need something right now. Not to mention the nonstop phone ringing. My boss is of NO help whatsoever and does not seem to respect how hard and well I do work. So I totally get what you are talking about. I totally sympathize and hope tomorrow is better for you.

Tang, I think we all know exactly what you are talking about. I feel completely misunderstood and abandoned by many. No one understands the terror and anxiety and loneliness. And yes, although I haven't lost hair yet or had any surgery I HATE of my husband thinking of me as his "sick" wife and how he is being dragged into the roller coaster ride with me. HATE.

So one more bitch I have today is that my last scan showed my thyroid light up. So my Onc said she would send the test over to a GP AND call her to talk about the results. Then that office called me to come in for an appointment. When I got there I waited 40 minutes in a room. When she finally came in she had to ask why I was there. she had not talked to my Onc nor seen my current scans. We finally got them pulled up but she said she would need some labs to check my thyroid levels. So she referred me back to my cancer center and said with my next labs to just request a thyroid panel!!! I left work early and waited 40 minutes not to mention paying for another office visit that produced NOTHING. I was soooooo upset. I am going through enough without throwing anything extra AND useless. The end.

april485

(((((Pam)))) ((((Tang)))) ((((Artist)))) It is all I can offer is hugs to all of you. I know these kind of bad days, months, years really well unfortunately. My BC diagnosis while mild in comparison to all three of you was just one more thing added to the bonfire that is my life since 2009. I get it for the most part. Vent, bitch and moan all you need to. We are here.