STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Spookiesmom

person. Hey hi! How ya doing?

Me. Hanging in there.

Person. That’s all you can do.

Me. Yep, and move on.

The way it should be.

M0mmyof3

Yep.

edj3

I call that grocery store talk, the question answer dance of "How are you?" "Fine, fine and you?"

bcincolorado

Love that term!! Grocery store talk!!!!

AliceBastable

I was SO tempted to get this after my nephrectomy. A real conversation STOPPER!

Betrayal

Great shirt and message, but I wonder if someone would misinterpret it as you wearing a "cooking" spill rather than a real injury? Do you think they would point out your shirt was stained? No matter what, some people are totally clueless.

Artista928

yeah I wouldn't take that shirt literally unless I knew the person had a nephrectomy. I'd probably laugh thinking it is a cooking mishap.

AliceBastable

I really wanted it to wear to my urologist appointments, and around a few people who had told me, "Oh, you'll be fine" - like they had any experience with it.

M0mmyof3

My hubby is in the doghouse with me, especially today of all days! He knew it was my birthday today and I shouldn't have to say anything to him to remind him! I never even got a Happy Birthday out of him before he went to work! Only my mom, a cousin and the widow of my friend Joe who passed away on the 4th of this month remembered. Joe’s wife said she couldn’t forget my birthday as it’s hers too! I can also understand my stepdad not sending me a Happy Birthday as he is preoccupied with his father’s failing health. My cats gave me kisses and cuddles this morning when I was holding them and I told them it was my birthday in front of my husband! But for MY OWN husband to forget is inexcusable!

Beaverntx

MOmmy, won't make up for husband's lack but HAPPY BIRTHDAY with many ((((hugs)))) and good wishes.

Wanderingneedle

Happy Birthday, M0mmyof2! Many happy returns!

Maybe he’ll be better behaved after work! My birthday is the day before my husband’s so he never forgets. 😂 There are so many other things he doesn’t do I can’t list them all here.

I hope your day only gets better!

M0mmyof3

My hubby had better remember or he’ll be couch surfing tonight!

JCSLibrarian

My DH has forgotten my birthday numerous times. The first time, he tried to convince me I had the date wrong! The last time he bought me a car. The payment date helped him to remember. I have given inand now mark several calendars and talk about what I want to do that day. He is not thoughtful. He also tries to tell me the problem is mine because I am too picky about gifts. Sigh... There are other things I can worry about, but I feel your pain and so should he!

hapa

I get so jealous when I see other women post on here about how their husband was their rock during treatment. My husband, shortly after I was diagnosed, told me he thought I was going to die. That his experience was that when anyone got cancer, it killed them. That it had killed his grandfather, his best friend, and my father, even though they all did treatment and the doctors told them they could be cured, they all died. And so he thought that's what would happen to me too. Ok babe, thanks for dumping your anxiety on me about the existential threat looming over head. My mom pretty much did the same thing. I refused to soothe either one of them. I needed someone to be my rock but they still wanted me to be theirs, and I couldn't do it.

Anyway, I made it though chemo and had my surgery, and my husband took two weeks off because I was told I'd be in a lot of pain during the first two weeks of recovery and would need help. But I was surprisingly ok, and after a few days, told him he probably didn't need to stay home and could go back to work if he didn't want to use up all of his leave. And his immediate response was "oh, okay if you don't need me then I can to head to Colorado and do some kayaking!" OMFG are you serious? We don't have any family anywhere near here, the closest is my sister who is 700 miles away. I mean, I don't need 24x7 help here but you can't just abandon me four days after surgery. I still had drains! I told him no, but I'm, I don't know, almost offended that he would even consider it? I was shocked at the very least.

More recently he's complaining that I want another reconstruction revision to get my two sides matched better. He afraid I'll never be happy and will just keep doing surgeries. He doesn't understand why anyone would want to have plastic surgery. You know dude, I was right there with you before any of this shit happened, but not anymore. We had a huge fight about that, and didn't talk for a couple days. When I asked him why he was so upset about my next revision surgery he said he didn't know. So I asked why he said those things and he said that he just thought he needed to say his piece to get it off his chest, and obviously I was going to do what I wanted to anyway. I asked him if he had ever considered just being supportive. Crickets.

I am starting to wonder what I'm doing in this marriage. I cannot rely on my husband for support. That much has become obvious. While I was falling apart, physically and emotionally, he sat in front of his computer playing video games. I look back on everything that happened and I have no idea how I made it through. I feel like I went through this huge life experience by myself, it has changed me, and since he wasn't a part of it he has not changed with me. It manifests in small ways, and every time it does it eats at me a little bit. I'm not sure if we can move forward as a couple. If I couldn't rely on him for support when I had cancer, when I really needed it, what good is he? I am tired of being the rock.

I saw a therapist for a few sessions recently to see if she could help me with the insomnia I had been dealing with. She made me realize that I have to talk about this shit with my husband. I had been avoiding it because, well mostly because I have little faith that anything will come of it. But she is right, and I need to address this sooner rather than later. My goal is to do it this week sometime. And if this conversation blows up our marriage then our marriage needed to be blown up.

By the way, you guys are my rock. Thanks, kind and empathetic internet strangers. I don't know what I would have done without you these past two years.

Cowgirl13

I can't believe what you have lived through with him. We are always here for you.

edj3

Hapa, that's awful and it stinks how he behaved.

ctmbsikia

Mommyof2 -Hope you have Happy Birthday despite hubby's forgetfulness. Maybe there's a surprise waiting for you later...….

hapa-seems you've been through a lot. My husband was not a rock through my diagnosis, etc. He also thought I was going to die. He got much better about listening and coming with me if I needed him to AFTER I told him that this was not going to kill me. I also granted him some slack for being right behind me the day I got the call that my Dad had collapsed and there was an ambulance on the way. I never expected that from him, I had many disappointments over the years, and just that 1 jester made up for a lot of that disappointment. I had to take care of Mom after that, and again he held the house and me together. Taking care of someone with dementia will suck the life out of you. If he hadn't been supportive I know our marriage would not have survived.

I would also advise talking about it. My husband was just recently diagnosed with lung cancer and it WILL kill him. I almost gets how he feels, I just know he can feel whatever he wants and I will listen and be with him until the end. He will be the first person I see die. I couldn't stay in the room with my Mom. Dad was dead when I got there. I'm trying to prepare myself for all this, but in the meantime making everyday as meaningful as possible without any bull shit. My very best wishes to you for a fast resolution, and better understanding of each others' feelings.

M0mmyof3

He surprised me with a card when he got home. He said he totally forgot until he looked at the calendar at work and realized it had slipped his mind. And to think I was accusing him of being a total blockhead!

I hate seeing that not all guys are like mine. Mine was worried about me and still does! He never lets me overdue anything even though I am perfectly fine.

Artista928

I can struggle with death and dying. Yesterday I watched how to die in Oregon, which was a great learn in how death with dignity law works. I'm not stage 4 so I won't go to a stage 4 thread meant for them to commiserate on what it's like being stage 4. I can't identify with them because it is stage 4 bc, not a regular death and dying thread. Maybe someone could start a thread in the emotional forum. I guess I get upset when non stage 4 people post in stage 4 forum where it's for them. Some want only fellow stage 4 people. And when non stage 4 post there no matter how respectful some people feel their space on their forum violated. Not everyone feels all stages can post in stage 4. So by doing so, you upset them to where they now don't want to post there. Is that right or fair? Nope. I know depending on my mood which I have clinical depression that when I see stage 0, 1mm tumor, 0 nodes, ER+ for example seem over the top, I can go there and think wtf? I'm stage 3 with a profile saying highly likely to mets. So let alone stage 4. Stage 4 is indeed a different animal. I appreciate there's 1 thread on that forum for non stage 4 to post a question. It can't be easy but crissyb and others have been so helpful. That's my thought on this.

Euphoriaa

Artista928: I'm glad you mention death in this thread where all the stages can participate. I often think about death and I have a feeling (I know inside) that I will be in stage IV sooner or later. All stages are scared and we should be able to speak openly. I would have started a thread myself if you hadn't mentioned it

Euphoriaa

Dear Jaycee: I know you read this thread, and I just wanted to tell you that I greatly appreciate your contributions to the death and death thread. I have been following it very closely since I might have to face some of those tough decisions very soon (there are some suspicions in my recent scans) I appreciate your open mind and generosity, as well as the openness with which you have addressed such difficult issues. I have learned a lot from you and sincerely hope you don't stop publishing. Your posts are read by many people who, although not yet in stage IV, may see the need to plan the issues of dying, if necessary, especially persons who are by their own like me. . Sometimes it is wise to get ahead of things. Life is a great incognita and this year I have seen 3 young lives that were in stage 4 for only a few months . Thanks again

jaycee49

Euphoriaa, thank you. I really appreciate you saying that. I don't really even believe in the whole different stages thing. I think cancer is a continuum, not discreet stages. But that's just me. But if I ever need a smile, I think about a group of (male) doctors sitting around a big conference table making up the rules that differentiate among the different stages. If you've never seen it, look it up. It is quite contrived and overly complicated. Imagine the debates!

Artista928

I appreciate being able to lurk on that forum not only because I have an interest long before my bc but it helps with friends and family who are face to face with whatever terminal illness it is. I'm angry my dad has the rarest form of als that effects only 1 side. I'm angry my second mother is in assisted living with dementia. I'm angry and sad for anyone who is faced with such difficult and terrible diseases. May there be cures in the future for all suffering.

bcincolorado

Well the Death and Dying one can be you are dying from something else (like me) and breast cancer is not going to be the one that kills me. It does not mean you cannot learn something from people on how they view things. I do imagine some ladies on that forum may feel differently though and I have stayed away from that for that reason. I very well may die in 2 years or it may be 20, we do not know. I am not yet 60 and it really stinks that after dealing with breast cancer after DH had a transplant and was sick for about 6 years before that I get slapped with this a few months ago. It does stink. Doing what I can to keep going. Hate to say it but would prefer to be Stage IV and die from cancer than dementia. At least my mind would not be gone.

Artista928

Dementia is nasty. My dad has a very very slow form of ALS that affects one side called Mills Syndrome. Try googling that. No txs let alone hope to be cured like may happen with early stage cancers. Absolutely kills me. I waiver in wishing he'd go now while he's somewhat functional than when he is bedridden and pray he gets a huge miracle and this nasty neuromuscular disease makes a u turn. I'd trade places with him. Love him to pieces. Plus I'd handle it better. He's in denial but if that helps him mentally then great! At least he has part time help from caregivers and his PT friend. It's surely going to get worse and will need more care.

ZZZAAAZZZAAA

My mother stage 4 she have ca 15.3 very veryy high its 2432 ...................please any experience here any one have a very high ca15.3 and he s down like my mother she have 72 years and she can t take chimo she take armosin and she have 2 spot in his liver 1.5 mll any experience please

ShetlandPony

ZZZAAA, I answered your post (same post) on the liver mets thread.

edj3

Artista928 that's terrible. My FIL, whom I never got to meet, died from the normal ALS (although the normal version sucks too). The cruel irony is that my MIL has Alzheimer's and was just dx'd with at least stage 2 melanoma but based on the path report, it's almost certainly metastasized. I'm absolutely furious that we cannot get her nursing home doctor to contact us--I'm sure she's super swamped but this dx was in OCTOBER and she (the MD) was supposed to transfer my MIL's care to a derm who could at least stage the freaking thing.

This is all complicated by distance. We live in the Kansas City area and she is in Tulsa.

Artista928

that's awful edj3. I really believe the cruelest diseases are ALS and it's forms and dementia. Add another shitty disease on top and that's just beyond cruel.

I think older people in general get the shaft in healthcare. There are caring providers out there but too many brush off the elderly with a kind of why bother, wasting my time mentality. Add a disease let alone terminal one on top. I remember where you'd see doctors whose specialty was geriatrics. Now you're hard pressed to find many as I think they've morphed under family medicine. You're hosed more if you're poor and elderly. I really do feel more for that group than kids because people come running for them. Not so the elderly. It's quite upsetting and sad.

DogMomRunner

I agree with you Artista. ALS and conditions like that scare the pants off me. I will not go through the end stages of those diseases (or dementia) if I can help it.

I'm a geriatric social worker and dementia is just so sad. There are some good and sweet moments but those diminish way before any of us are ready. My mom has dementia and I hope she dies more quickly from something else. Of course she is very healthy other than her poor brain.