STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

ShetlandPony

BookLady, I had a family member who tried to get me to not do some of the family activities for fear I would get too tired and that would be bad for me. I had to tell them that while I appreciated their desire to take care of me, being left out was much worse than being tired. I know when I need to take a break.

BookLady1

Shetland, that's it, exactly! My DH has walked a fine line when I get angry if he doesn't help me and angry when he does. Why can't he read my mind?? (Ha) guess it's time for another Cancer Chat to clear this up. Good for you setting your family member straight. Thanks ✌️❤️Linda.

ORknitter

Funny how people are. I feel like I was almost neglected through the entire process because my husband had heart problems and surgery at the same time, plus I have kept working so everyone assumes I am fine. In reality I feel almost a loss of innocence accompanied by sadness

Italychick

ORKnitter, I know how you feel. I kept all my troubles to myself, worked through everything, exercised, kept grandkids, etc. Now what I hear all the time is how strong I was, and how easy I breezed through everything. It was chemo, folks, there was no EASY! And I have no way of knowing what long term side effects I may experience. Let me give you just one day of how messed up my guts were, the days I was so swollen no shoes would fit on my feet. Or how it felt to lose my hair, washing and combing it and having a chunk come out on top of my head resulting in a huge bald spot in one second, and then spending five months looking like a bald old man. And now the wait for it to grow bCk to a decent length. Or how bad my feet and hands burned. And how I felt when my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. An almost instant 20 pound weight gain. And how everything tasted like burnt cardboard. And how panicked I felt getting stung by a bee and having to take antibiotics just in case my body couldn't fight it off. Or dealing with sores on my head from hair loss. And panicking every time they did my bloodwork. And the allergic reaction at my first chemo treatment where they had to stop it and give me Benadryl and hope they could continue. Or the day I laid in bed with my guts burning in agony while my family, grandkids, brother, etc. went and had a nice day at the beach. Or the terror of waiting on bone scan and pet scan results, waiting to see if I was really a stage 4. I'd like the people who said chemo was easy to just go through one day of what happens during chemo, then see how easy they say it is.

Yeah, I guess it was easy...not!

blondedoris

My rant is about other patients in the chemo room who want to play diagnosis trumps...an older fella struck up a convo with me saying how bad his liver cancer is, and how his treatment has it under control and the lesions no longer show on the scans. He then couldn't wrap his head around me being younger, terminal, have been on chemo for longer than him and then trotted about the complete bollocks about how I couldn't be *that* sick as I look so well...

(don't get me wrong - I'm delighted for him that he's NED and in maintenance but another cancer patient trotting out the 'you look well' line...sheesh)

april485

Ouch blondedoris, must have been tough not to haul off and punch him in the groin when he did that. There are a lot of ignorant people when it comes to stage IV cancer in any area of the body I suspect. My MIL was Stage IV colon cancer before she passed and some of her friends remarked how good she looked and why was she still having her hair done and a mani/pedi if she was so sick. WTF? I guess they got their answer when the obituary came out for her. I was incensed when she told me but she just laughed it off cause that was her nature. Hugs and glad you could spout off about it in a safe place like BCO and this little rant room!

dumbass

shorfi, letranger, beachbum, and the rest, my heart is there. I miss the old me also. not just what I could do but the unending faith, forgiveness and optimism that I had. I am at the end of my first bout, I'm sure it will come back. I am SO hateful and unforgiving. "be patient, it will get better", I have been told this and I really think we just forget or give up on what we were. I didn't expect to come through this with out issues but really. I am 8 months past TC chemo, and on my last herceptin, my hair is barely an inch long, my vision has deteriorated, my teeth are breaking off and the shooting nerves in my fingers are just it. the challenges of finding clothes that will look ok with the fake homemade boobs because the scars and chest wall are so sensitive still make me crazy. I asked for help from medical team about my arm and chest wall and am told to got without my boobs, why don't you go without your dentures!!!! I did go out without them by accident and I saw the look on the persons face. they were staring so I told them I got drunk, woke up in the tub covered in blood missing my tits. the body snatchers got them. i know how uncomfortable i am with myself so i try to not make anyone feel odd around me. after big chemo i got myself back to running, then i struggled to get back again after the mastectomy but my arm is even worse now after radiation. when i said something about it they said radiation doesn't make it worse it was the mastectomy. I feel like I traded my life to be alive, and I have no one to blame but myself. I can't even begin to verbalize my anger.

sas-schatzi

Keep it going dumbass, get it out.................course we'd rather pour it over their heads.

sas-schatzi

Hi Dumbass,

This was posted by Bluebird a couple of years ago. I think it may help with your skin sensitivity problem and shape problem. Don't usually like to post solutions here. This is for ranting. Sent you a PM, but this may help a lurker, so, did decide to post this here. These things get lost in time if we don't keep passing them on when someone may need them.

Bluebird144…NJJoined: Apr 2013Posts: 393

13 hours agoBluebird144 wrote:

Knitted Knockers Charities is a non-profit that exists to provide free patterns for knitters and crocheters to be able to make knockers and help mastectomy patients get freeKnitted Knockers made by volunteers.

I love my Knitted Knockers! They are light and soft and warm. Unlike my silicone prosthetic which is heavy and cold when first worn, then it later causes me to sweat.

I wear my knitted knockers inside a regular bra or tucked in the pocket of a mastectomy bra. They are beautiful, and a godsend to those of us with an uneven mastectomy scar.

Knitted knockers website:

http://www.knittedknockers.info/

letranger

Dear dumbass;

You say, "I feel like I traded my life to be alive, and I have no one to blame but myself. " nu -uh! You can not blame yourself. You follow the treatment plan and the SEs follow that. We all want to be alive, and hope that things will subside and get better. Some of us do and some don't. Me? Well, onc says I'm depressed so offered me some anti-depressants. Sometimes I take it, but mostly I don't. I prefer Ativan and a nap. Yup, all the pain you are describing, I hear ya. I has double mast with tissue expanders and ended up losing one implant due to an infection. Now I have one implant and a scarred up side. So I use an adhesive prosthesis. I'm used to it now. Sometimes I don't wear it and wear a lovely long scarf or a chunky sweater. Does the trick.

Did you have lymph nodes removed? If so, ask to see a lymphedema specialist. My lymphedema developed after my implant removal.

I hope you continue to share your feelings. We all understand. Sending you love. Letranger

Meow13

I am a believer that treatment should not make us feel like sh@t. I hate being at war with cancer. Let's get a cure so we can feel good and live life.

marijen

I'm with you Meow

ShetlandPony

I remember a day 3 1/2 years ago when I felt really, really good and healthy...

april485

A very good friend of mine was just diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) and his prognosis is horrible. I am gutted. He does not deserve this horrific disease that will kill him over the next year or two. No one deserves any of these f-ing diseases. Why is it we can fly to the moon but we still have diseases that are so awful killing our friends and loved ones? Why? Thanks for listening.

dumbass

Thank you! Really but there aren't enough words or time!

dumbass

Seriously, thank you all. I know you have stood in my shoes. I know I should be so grateful for this especially hearing about April 46 friend. We can do amazing things, man on the moon, our cars almost drive themselves but we can't figure out how to make us better. I am still angry. Pissed.. whatever. Thank you all. I hope you all find peace. Or get a peice.

BrooksideVT

I'm so sorry, April. I just cannot imagine what your friend, his family, and all who know them (you, for instance) are going through. Absolutely heartbreaking.

sas-schatzi

What if when asked the stupid things we are asked, we responded with answers that were just as inane as the question?

Question: What caused your cancer? Answer: Tooth paste

Question: Why did you get cancer? Answer: (tailored to a common thing , belief, action of the questioner) I was a scout.

sas-schatzi

Maybe I'm the last person to have heard this, but it's like Rachel wrote this for us.

Rachel Platten's https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

Lyrics to Fight Song

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

ORknitter

Sas, Thanks! I haven't heard that for a while.

sas-schatzi

marijen

You've all seen this I hope....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDQ0FjP7J-c

kathindc

Marijen, thank you for the link. I knew of it but never watched it to the end. Powerful!

sas-schatzi

marijen made the link hot https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDQ0FjP7J-c

marijen

Thanks sas-schatzi! Well I guess no one's steaming tonight....

BookLady1

yes, thank you for the link. I shared it with everyone, whether I thought they wanted to see it, or not. I guess that was getting my rant on. Lind

Simplicity

I'm steaming tonight. Just mad. Don't even know how to explain my anger. Trying to remember this will pass. My strength will come back, boobs will be rebuilt, hopefully my energy will become somewhat normal. But dammit! Ugh. Patience has never been my strong suit.

Seeing my classmates continue on and listening about graduation. I was in Cisco certification courses when all this chit began and had to drop because I started chemo almost immediately.

My kids. All this has affected with them. My family, my friends, those who have stuck around and those who walked away My mom. My job. My MIND. My faith in others. My trust.

I know tomorrow is a new day. But tonight I am just not ok with any of this. Chit sucks.

Jumpship

I was pissed off that family members didn't help when asked during treatment but got over it and built my friend network and soldiered on. But just got a video from one of them crying during thanksgiving that she was grateful I made it through the difficult year.

She has no right to feel all sad about my year if she doesn't know anything about it and wasn't there. I feel objectified. If she was truely caring or personally traumatized by my cancer treatment maybe she could have sent a card...or taken care of kids...or cooked a meal... Or hey show up for one %^%# chemo treatment! It was humbling to ask for a chemo helper but then when she ignored me and never came for chem or Herceptin ( come in can't find time for a whole year?) it hurt. But don't go crying about it because you don't know-I want to tell her.

Those tears are mine to cry. Don't use me as your "cancer family member" story. It can't effect you if you aren't involved.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

I'm terrified that I'll leave this planet before my kids are raised. I tried hard to maintain connections with family during my hell year. But no more. I will build relationships with family or family like friends so my kids are left with good people surrounding them and not family members who have no true love in actions for their me.

JJOntario

To my boss,

I've been back to work full time for 3 months. During those 3 months I had pneumonia for 6 wks. I'm sorry I missed one day at work. I've also had doctors appointments on average of every other week because my last mammo showed something new that needs to be watched. Your phone call to my cell on Friday really threw me off as you knew and approved my vacation because you said if I didn't take my vacation days I would lose them. Your comments about me needing to live up to my potential when I come back cut me to the core. After 19 yrs with the company I somehow expected a little more. I didn't tell you that the SE from the drugs I take cause me to feel crappy every day and that my marriage of 24 yrs is so wobbly due in part to the hell we've gone through this past year. So here I am on vacation for the holidays and I'm thinking of you. Thank you. I think it's time for me to put ME first and you dear boss can BITE ME

Jclc83

I have no support system. I think that upsets me more than anything. It makes me wonder why I'm going through chemo. It makes me sad.

My son and his family live with me. They live here for free and yet they are the biggest slobs in the world. After a family dinner, I'm left with the cleaning, like I was after Thanksgiving.

My daughter lives 30 minutes away. I don't see her or my grandson very often. Once in a while , she'll text to ask for a recipe or something.

My husband was abusive, everyone thought he was so sweet. He lied about me and I don't have any friends left. I'm also from another state another reason .

My brother is the only one who calls me almost every other day. He cares, he gets it but he's out of state.

I drive myself to chemo and sit there by myself each time. I have two more treatments for a total of six. I drive myself to all my appointments, do my own grocery shopping, etc. it just would be nice if I got some support from my kids, some understanding. I'm tired and exhausted. I'm weak I feel like crap. They are clueless.

I decided I didn't want a funeral because no one would come.

Thanks for listening