STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

marijen

It took me a year to get over the fatigue and nausea from radiation. Hang in there.

Lita57

I'm exhausted all the time too. This is my OFF week, and I still feel like CRAP!

I fall asleep in the La-Z-Boy every night, and then when I get up to actually go to bed, it takes me FOREVER to fall back to sleep.

My eyes are a mess because of dry air and the chemo. Have to keep using eye wash and gel drops.

So aggravating.

L

vampeyes

This is truly the best group of women, thank you all for your kind words. Hopefully I have fixed the nausea by planning on taking the Tamox with food this am, we shall see!

Oh Lita, I am so sorry you have to go through this. It makes me so upset that all these wonderful people get this terrible disease and all those jerks out there are happy and healthy. {HUGS} hun you are in my thoughts and prayers with all the others suffering.

As awful as it sounds I often wonder if there is a cure for cancer and this is the governments way of population control.... all about money and power.

DancingElizabeth

Vampeyes - EXACTLY. I'm so sick of seeing/hearing about so many wonderful people getting BC (or other cancers). Then - it seems like all of the cold-hearted - JERKS - never get cancer.

My DH - for one. He says he loves me - but - definitely does not treat me like he does.

Last night - I was having trouble with the TV in my room. (we have separate rooms because he snores way too loud for me to get any sleep). So, I went to his room - to watch TV. When he asked me, I told him about my TV - not getting a signal.

He goes into my room to fix the TV, but not without, criticizing me about the state of my room. It's pretty messy. But, it's not like I have a lot of time on my hands to keep up with cleaning or organizing it. I work Full-time, am a mother to an 11 yr old, commute 3 to 4 hours - daily. And, had stage 3 bc.

He knows all of this - but does NOT care. He sits in the living room - watching some stupid movie - while I run around taking care of things.

He is FAT and I never complain to him about his weight. NEVER. Between the two of us, honestly, I'm pissed that I got cancer - and he did not.

But, it's Ok for him to tell me that I live "like an animal". WTF. Rude as f*ck.

When he said that - I put on my work-out clothes and went to the gym. He was like "why are you going to the gym??". To get away from you - #sshole.

Not talking to him tonight - either. He can kiss my @ss.

Sorry, but I am STEAMED!!!

vampeyes

DancingElizabeth,

WOW! Your husband is a piece of work. I am so sorry you have to deal with that! HUGS Hun! It infuriates me hearing of all these men treating their spouses poorly or leaving them because they can't handle the cancer. Such crap!

DancingElizabeth

Thanks Vampeyes... I needed the hugs - too!!!

I feel like - if he gets cancer or sick - I will remember how he's treated me...

Artista964

wow vamp. He's an asshole! When he asked where you're going in your gym clothes, you should have said to the gym so i wont get fat like you.

DancingElizabeth

I Love It - Rosabella!!!! Perfect Response!!!!

vampeyes

Elizabeth - you wouldn't treat him the way he treats you because that's not your personality. I doubt you have it in you to be a jerk like he is. Maybe he should sleep somewhere else if he don't like how you are managing everything on your plate! 💞

Amica

Rosabella, re "wow vamp. He's an asshole! When he asked where you're going in your gym clothes, you should have said to the gym so i wont get fat like you." lol

DancingElizabeth -- what a jerk he's being!!! Take care of yourself, you are a strong and valuable person who deserves loving compassion and care from those around you. If he won't supply it, we on here stand in solidarity with you and personally I deliver a cyber kick in the butt to him....

Amica

Micmel

I am also shocked that someone would have the balls to treat someone with cancer that way,no less a wife. Good grief. Can I have a half Hour with him and my sons large crowd of friends. ??? You don't know us, we don't know you. Maybe he could use a good hacky sack game with him being the hacky sack of course. I promise he will still be recognizable a little and he will still be able to mumble how sorry he is to you, that I can promise. These boys teach people really well how to play hacky sack, some of them learned in cell block 6. No.....I'm totally Kidding. Or am I? Yes I am. But I would Like to kick him in the shin several times. You already have a possie ready to go! Hugs to you sweet woman. You are worth more than anyone could ever express. Let his rolls roll somewhere else... and watch you slip away, when some decent man scoops you up!

Much love ~M~

Parrynd1

Feel like venting a little:

Cancer f you. You are unfair. Striking any age any gender. Being only 30 just feels like and extra kick in the gut, but you go after ages younger than that too. Monster! And why...why did you have to go to my brain you stupid cancer. You already changed enough of me for the rest of my life Iraq time we met. It wasn’t enough for you when I was 28 years old? I just wanted to finish my bachelors degree...I had 9 months left till I would have been done that time. I waiting so long to be able to afford to go to college. I knew what I wanted to do since I was a little girl. It wasn’t being a cancer patient! And not to mention maybe actually getting married to the most beautiful, kind, loving, smart person who makes up the other half of my soul. You interfer with that as well. We did the responsible thing and were waiting till we both finished school. Always super careful not to get pregnant before then either. And then you couldn’t even stay NED for a few months...you really suck. Now I’m hoping I even make it to our 10 year anniversary 6 months from now in January to have a weddingish ceremony. Ok, so we still plan on getting married, but it can’t be a real ceremony. I’ll lose my insurance that’s covers all of the $500k plus and rising cost the war with you incurred. Everything has to be planned around treatments that hopefully give me a year or two. Plus palliative care since now you are ‘uncurable’. Treatments make it too hard, unpredictable, and unreliable to work so money is tight and the dream wedding has to be compromised because of you again. I can’t even think about my student loans yet. But, I fought you. Those few months you gave me I was back in school. You tried to come back in my very last quarter. Take away the prize right when I was at the finish line graduating with high honors. Cancer you really f’ing suck. Kids? No chance at that. You had to be triple negative and nothing less than grade 3. Not that any cancer is good...you all suck can go die in a fire for all I care. The world would be a better place without you, cancer. And you’re so selfish! I know I have to deal with your shit, but do you even realize my loved ones get to watch you destroy my body. It’s so fun sitting in the ER at 2am with them. Seeing them try to sleep in a chair while test results are pending. Trying to ease their panic attacks when they think I’m not breathing in my sleep. Every bruise, bump or minor ache is agony to them because hello? Is it you? Watching them watch you while they feel helpless to aide in the fight against you. You rob them of pieces of their heart, their loved ones. You’re time thief. There is nothing good about you. You make me want to scream and cry and obsess and spend all my money on a 1 week beach vacation that I wont go through with because I have to save up for stupid funeral expenses and bills I’m leaving behind on my best friend and lover. Cancer...ugh you’re just the worst. I hate you so much.

But you know what? Cancer...you can try your best, but I will try my best too. My doctors, scientists, and family. We are all against you. Brain tumor in my last quarter of thesis? I still finished and with high honors despite having a craniotomy during midterms. Nodes in my lungs? Changed my diet so you don’t have any glucose to feed off of and am losing weight so I will look even better on my ceremony day. Tumors in my breast? Well, still f you because I don’t need breasts to survive or be an attractive young woman.

Cancer, anywhere you go I will fight you every step of the way. Every tear WE shed in fear, sadness, unfairness, pain, or loss because of you, are just drops of fuel to my fire, OUR fire. Because, cancer, you really f’ing suck and that’s gonna cost you one day.

mistyeyes

You are my daughters age and I just want to wrap you in a cocoon of love and healing.  Come and vent whenever you need to.  You are right....so unfair!

candy-678

Parrynd1-

BLESS YOU!!!!!!    KEEP FIGHTING!!!!!     WE ARE WITH YOU!!!!!

IF THERE IS A CURE OUT THERE AND BEING WITHHELD FOR FINANCIAL GAIN, I HOPE THE RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE ROT IN HELL !!!!

Micmel

i am sorry Parry~ I am not 30 but I was only 45 when diagnosed. It's a scary scary disease and I agree and grieve with you everything you wrote. It makes me sick, I hate cancer also and I am also stage four. I have been for over 2.5 years now and I am Nead. It can happen. Don't loose focus of what you're fighting for. You're a powerhouse. I can hear it in you're writing. I wish you nothing but success and strength! Way to go graduating with honors. Bless your soul precious woman. Much love ~M~Congrats for doing what you set out to do. So strong

Phoenixwmn

Dear Clarm---- I am so, so sorry she was that remarkably insensitive to you! I bet many of us here have similar stories. It's hard enough to cope with being a BC patient without people around you adding to the burden. I wish I was there so I could give you a BC hug ( light but meaningful) Somebody should tell your cousin she's a jerk. I suppose there's the remote possibility she really meant well but just doesn't get how that would affect you??? Either way, it's absolutely inexcusable. I don't know if it'll help you but:

My brand new Daughter-in-Law's Mother has been a special pain for me; the day after I came home from the hospital, all trussed up and in so much pain I couldn't see straight, she called ( right after I'd taken a pain pill) to interrogate me on what shape my incisions were. At that point I hadn't even seen my incisions, but knew they were extensive just from the level of pain I was having & what surgeons told me ( I had 2 surgeons working on me at once, BC surgeon + plastics guy for reconstruction/reduction--I'm guessing many here did,too) . I was mortified to be asked something so personal by someone I barely know. I also didn't like that she presumed on our brand-new familial connection. This same woman, at my son's BD party 2 wks before my surgery, proceeded to inform me how my BC surgeon was an "a-hole" ( tryna be polite here) because 2 of her friends said so! I should add she's NEVER MET my surgeon, is not her patient. I was like, "I ADORE my surgeon, she's published,is an expert on my type cancer, I vetted her thoroughly and she's amazing and I say that as an RN with over 30 yrs' experience" . Even that didn't shut her up.

There are also those well-meaning folk who say straight-up stupid crap to you like "BE POSITIVE!!" etc etc. Look, I get the whole power-of-positivity thing, I well understand it both as a woman and as a health care professional but I also know the facts; that I was positive as hell BEFORE I got BC and all the positivity in the known Universe won't keep me from getting a recurrence, isn't keeping me from lightning strikes of nerve pain, lymphedema,feeling like the woman who got sawed in half in a magic show,being forced to accept I am forever altered AND I must live with the sword of Damocles hanging over my head EVERY WAKING HOUR of EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Some days it feels like there's little hope of my getting through a day without being sharply reminded of it, between tv commericals and loving relatives & friends who insist how strong I am and that I can get through this just fine, blah-blah-blah. I know I sound bitter, wish I could apologize for it---I'm just so, so weary of people trying to tell me how I should feel/think. I'm like---tell you what, YOU get cancer and then get back to me on all the happy hoo-hah I'm supposed to be living, ok? Some days I feel like----nobody sees ME.

Nobody sees I am living with a quiet terror. I'm guessing many here feel that way. I don't feel like being polite to people who make moronic comments about breast cancer or who insist that yoga and meditation will fix everything. Of course I realize the therapeutic benefits of those things but I'm NOT there yet. Seems like people think once you sound like yourself again, are a couple months out from surgery, you're just magically ALL better! I know I must sound angry---it's because I am. I'm angry to have cancer and it righteously pisses me off when people want to say "Oh, you're a breast cancer SURVIVOR"....nope, not even a lil bit. I'm not proven to've survived anything til I'm 15 years out without a recurrence, so you'll forgive me for being a lil yanked when people ( the medical community especially!) try to sell me that happy, politically-correct horse-poop ( <-again, tryna be polite here) about being a "survivor". There's only one place I am able to say what I really feel & think deep in my heart without getting censured for being "negative"; only one place I am free to express the icy fear and anxiety, the physical pain that seems to have it's own life, morphs and changes with time like some sort of parasitic alien life form; that place is right here.

I am sorry and angry for you, Clarm. I'd tell your cousin off but good if I was there with you.

Phoenixwmn

Dearest ParryND1----I am so moved by what you wrote. I am saddened by what you're dealing with. It sounds like you have people around you that support you & love you deeply. That's everything & I'm grateful you have that. Your spouse sounds amazing. God bless both of you & keep you. I am saddened for those goals you worked so hard for, held dear & aspired to, being snatched from you. I see your heartache for those you love being fearful & worried for you. I understand that well and share your outrage.

I wish I had something inspirational to say to you but I'm not in an inspirational space myself lately so I fear it'd sound false coming from me and I don't want to do that.

Just please know, dear Lady & Fellow Traveler I'll never meet or know except here---I am holding you in my heart.

Lita57

I absolutely HATE IT when people call me a "survivor."

WTF !?!?!

I was Dx'd STAGE IV de novo right from the bloody gate! There is NO SURVIVING St IV w/mets to my spine, pelvis, femur, hips, internal organs (liver, kidneys, pancreas) and 20+ brain mets, for which I received Whole Brain Radiation (and now some of the old symptoms are coming back, sadly enough).

As soon as I was Dx'd with the brain mets, I was immediately assigned to a Palliative Care dr., who will see me thru until I'm ready to go on to Hospice.

I wasn't expected to live too much after last Christmas 2017...but, by the grace of GOD, steroids, and lots of CBD tincture to keep the brain inflammation down and the seizures at bay, I'm still here. For how long, I have no idea. I take it one day at a time - that's all I can do. As I've stated before, the Palliative Care doc said "You could go in 6 weeks, 6 months, 16 months...or in less than 6 minutes if one of those brain tumors decides to start bleeding again."

If I make it to my next birthday, and am able to see (I still have the blurry vision and auras), can string two semi-coherent sentences together (that's getting noticeably harder to do as I'm forgetting words and phrases now), and walk with my cane/walker (everything is going numb again, thanks to spinal mets compressing the nerves...I've already had spinal rads THREE TIMES, and there's not much more they can do)...I'll be very fortunate.

Yep...I'm a "survivor" alright.

I REFUSE to participate in any of those BC "Walk for Life" events this year. Last year when I went and walked, some women would walk with me, and when they asked me what my story was, and I told them I was St IV de novo, THEY LITERALLY WALKED AWAY FROM ME DOWN THE TRACK AS FAST AS THEY COULD, LIKE I HAD THE EFFIN' PLAGUE!!

But I'm supposed to be a "survivor" with a positive attitude, right?

My exhaustion gets worse with each subsequent chemo infusion. I wear a back and leg brace, support hose for my chemo-related ankle/leg swelling. And, of course, I never go anywhere now without Depends because of the bowel incontinence the spinal mets have caused.

Isn't it WONDERFUL to be a "survivor"?

L

jaycee49

OK, my own little mini-rant. Seems small compared to some of your issues but here it is. When I hear you all saying how difficult it is to deal with some of your family members, I think how fortunate I am to not have to deal with that. Then I get a text from my sister in law about how I should be "doing cartwheels" and how happy she is that I can "get back to feeling good again after all I have been through." What??? Some of it may be my own fault. I use the term "clean Pet scan" with everyone when there is nothing new or growing. People here understand that and most (I thought all) of my family understand that and my MS forum people understand that. But this sister in law obviously does not. First, I have felt pretty good for the past few years since stopping chemo. She knows that. I tell her that. I wonder if DH (it's his sister) is telling her different. He plays the sympathy card all the time with her and he also doesn't want her to visit and uses me as an excuse. Oh, so off topic, that. Cartwheels? I think she thinks I'm CURED. Her ex husband (father of her children) had cancer. Did she not learn anything about the disease back then? Does she not know what stage IV means? The bigger question is, then, should I explain it to her or just let her wallow in her obliviousness. I'm also pretty sure that she included a few sentences about my health so she could spend the rest of the very long text message on hers. She fell off her horse a few months ago (she's 60) and broke her shoulder. THAT will heal. My lung mets will not.

So, dancingelizabeth, I get the DH jerk thing. I have one of my own. We were separated when I was diagnosed. I moved back with him. I am very jealous of your "own room." Treasure it.

vampeyes

Jaycee - I have a feeling that you could tell her till the cows come home and it wouldn't sink in. Some people are just naturally dense. Congrats on a clean PET scan though, this means NEAD and current tumors are staying the same?

Parry - I got a feeling you are the type of personality that is going to show that cancer the door! You sound like a fighter, with a very supportive support group around you. {HUGS}

Lita - I can't believe people would walk away from you, what the heck? My guess is they didn't know how to respond to what you had just told them. {HUGS}

Phoenix - just {HUGS} Big ones.

jaycee49

vamp, thank you. Yes, I am NEAD. Maybe I should be doing cartwheels but I'm pretty sure that is a bad idea. Vulnerable bones and all.

Lita, I forgot to mention that walking away thing. Sick. I do notice, though, that even on BCO, a thread will get very quiet when a stage IV person shows up. It's very rare but I have been ignored on a busy thread that was populated with lower stage people. I guess if they ignore us, they will not have to consider the possibility of being one of us. And I HATE the survivor thing, too.

mistyeyes

Lita, I don't know why they would walk away from you, unless it's too much in their face that it could be them one day. lol, I am not stage 4, but I told my doctor I didn't want to hear any of that survivor crap, I am not a survivor unless I die of something else in my 90's. I keep thinking I read that somewhere and thought Yes! They always say survivor until you die. Makes no sense.

KatyK

Certainly one of the hardest things about this stinking stage IV diagnosis is the emotional trauma caused by some people that just have no or little empathy! I have enough to deal with emotionally that I really don’t need people in my life that can not offer compassion, love, and kindness. Fortunately I have a good support group but there have been a few people in my life that have chosen to not be supportive and the hardest one being my sister. I have tried talking with her about some of her hurtful behavior but now she is mad at me - imagine that being mad at your sister with a stage IV cancer diagnosis! But when people don’t have empathy that’s what they do- get mad at you like it’s your fault. She has told me she would do anything for me and to just tell her what I need but when I do she seems irritated. She has now canceled three dinners on me, unbelievable. Now I don’t even hear from her but I think it’s for the best. I want to spend my time with family and friends that are loving and kind. And I’m pissed that my treatment is changing my body. I’ve always been very active and fit but now I’m gaining weight. I’m still pretty active and do something every day but still gained weight. I know I need to follow treatment to stay alive and weight gain should not be that important but right now I’m pissed about it! I saw pictures of me at a lake from last year to this year and I look so different. Sometimes I don’t even recognize this body any more. Ugh! Thanks for listening. I’ll go for a mountain bike ride tomorrow morning and feel better.

vampeyes

Katy - Big HUGS for you! It's amazing how some people can be, I am just sorry that it's your own sister. I have a defective mom and an arsehole for a real dad, so I understand how you must feel. Thankfully you have other wonderful supportive people around you.

Jaycee, I don't have bone cancer that I know of and I wouldn't even do cartwheels. lmao at the thought of me trying to do them.

I have to say that my pet peeve is - "Do you think this is your bodies way of telling you that you needed to slow down?" UGH. I don't want to slow down, I quite enjoy being busy and doing lots. I am quite angry that I have had to slow down so much because of this disease. I am also worried if all my back pain is really mets and not the arthritis they told me it was.

Big Hugs for everybody! Katy I want to join you on the bike ride! I miss riding my bike!

KatyK

Thanks for the hugs, Vampeyes. Yep, just trying to focus my energy on the supportive people in my life and really not interested in wasting my time with others. This crappy disease clears up real quickly how you want to spend your time and who you want to spend time with. I’ll put in an extra mile on my bike tomorrow for you

Parrynd1

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the support. Sometimes you just need to let off steam.

Sending positive thoughts to everyone having a hard time. Just found out today my fiancé’s grandma has breast cancer recurrence. We didn’t know about the first time. No genes saying it should run in the family or make either of usmore pone to this disease. Who would have thought we’d have this in common! Life is crazy sometimes...

Amica

Having recently been diagnosed with a metastatic recurrence, it pisses me off how readily my family doctor wrote off hip and rib pain I've been having for about a year as osteo-arthritis. I feel like saying to her now, "So you can diagnosis arthritis just by looking at someone from the outside?" Doctors shouldn't be so ignorant with any breast cancer survivor. She also wrote off the lump under my collarbone as a lipoma but at least humored me by ordering an ultrasound. Of course it turned out to be positive for metastasized breast cancer.

Amica

Dear Lita57

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your pain and hardship. I send you hugs and love and compassion.

take care,

Amica

vampeyes

Oh Parry so sorry your finance's grandmother has to go through this again!

Amica - they haven't done a bone scan on you yet? Frickin Ontario - so cheap with the tests! I had the tests, but my back hurts so much lately I don't know if I agree it's arthritis, I am only 42! Too bad it's hard to get a doctor or I'd be switching if I were you! {HUGS}

Moderators

We are sending gentle hugs to each of you .

We're here for you!