Stupid comments ....

Tappermom383

OMG - that's dreadful beyond words. I guess she's off the friends list! There is no comeback to something like that.

Sorry about the loss of your friend. I'm at the age now where I appreciate every day and every friend.

MJ

rdeesides

Seriously WTF is wrong with people. First of all, we don't HAVE to die from cancer. There is now law that says we will. And second of all, that is just very rude! My mom said something along those same lines when I was diagnosed and I'm still not over it.

Im also tired of certain people telling me to "stay positive". Whatever, you can take my BC and you stay positive. They just don't want to hear the bad parts, so I don't tell them, but it makes me think less of our relationship.

R

coachvicky

If I have learned on thing from this cancer journey, it is that you can't fix stupid. And there are a lot of stupid, unthinking people.

Coach Vicky

kamalokitty

This has been one of the more difficult things about getting breast cancer. I am embarrassed to say that all the stupid comments have come from my loved one. First, he insinuated that getting BC was my fault, it's because of my "lifestyle," I eat "rich" food, I chose to go into a stressful profession, live in a "stressful environment." After diagnosis, and as I was trying to mentally prepare for surgery, and explaining that the tumor was "very small," and without spreading to lymph nodes or other areas, he said that sometimes the doctors open you up, and it's all over place, and you just don't really know. Thank you, that was comforting. Now, I am 2-days post surgery. And he's telling me that I felt the lump a year or more ago (I didn't), and he tried to make me remember what I told him, and that he did feel it, too. "Don't you remember, don't you remember?" What is the point of telling me that now? How does that make me feel better? How?

beach2beach

I can't believe some of the things I have been reading. I've been hit with a few also. Some people have no filters. They just throw it right out there. What has happened to people....sad.

sbelizabeth

Well, wow.

The vast majority of the people who made distressing, insensitive comments to me about cancer were well-meaning and kindhearted, just suffering from verbal diarrhea, the kind that makes you blather nervously without thinking it through.

But..."At least you know what will kill you"?! UNBELIEVABLE! Nothing well-meaning or kindhearted here, just a pompous creep showing off.

Ladies (and occasionally gentlemen), do not participate in a conversation that is distressing. Take control. You don't have to just grit your teeth and endure it.

Here's what you do--say "excuse me, gotta go," turn on your heel, and walk away. Or this--"Gosh, this conversation is freaking me out a little, let's talk about childbirth." Or "Whoa, sorry, not going there." Who cares if someone's offended by this? Maybe they'll choose their words a bit more wisely next time.

DancingElizabeth

Grrrr. I f*cking *HATE* when people tell me to be positive!! I want to tell them to shut-up!!!

Valstim52

It was beyond belief. I've ignored her calls and texts. She is included on a trip a group of us take, later this year. I will have a convo with her about her comments. She is off my personal lists. The organizer of the trip is planning to uninvite(not sure if this is a scrabble word) her. It was that terrible. Then her supportive comments were worse.

Odd thing is I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she was not supportive during my treatment. I've known her for decades.

Valstim52

It was beyond belief. I've ignored her calls and texts. She is included on a trip a group of us take, later this year. I will have a convo with her about her comments. She is off my personal lists. The organizer of the trip is planning to uninvite(not sure if this is a scrabble word) her. It was that terrible. Then her supportive comments were worse.

Odd thing is I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she was not supportive during my treatment. I've known her for decades.

rational

Raider Girl, I was advised by a client/friend to get rid of both breasts and get "new" ones.

I had a "lumpectomy" that, after adequate clear margins, removed about 1/3 of my right breast and my nipple. The horizontal Frankenstein-like scar runs pretty much all the way across middle of now oddly-shaped wide flat breast. When I was expressing to co-worker my surprise at aesthetics of the lumpectomy, she stated, "It's good that you are already married." Guess I will pass on describing to her the post-radiation appearance of the breast.

runor

Twice now, while in the company of my 77 year old mother, someone has asked me how I am. Twice now my mom has literally put her hand into my face, like a stop sign, blocked my face with her hand and answered for me "She's fine!" and then immediately changed the subject.

THe first time she did that the other person was utterly shocked. How could you not be? That is insane behaviour! To stick your hand in someone's face and answer for them? So I sort of shrugged at the person who asked and said, "I guess I'm fine."

THe second time someone asked me my mom did it again. Hand in face, blocking me, and said I'm fine and this time I almost bit her hand off. I AM NOT EFFING FINE! And proceeded to have a small breakdown. Later, at my home, my mother berated me for having a shitty attitude and no one likes to be around such a downer, I'm always so negative and miserable, I ruin the mood with my cancer talk. (long pause as my mouth fell open) I wasn't even a month out of radiation. My boob was still swelled, peeling, bleeding and weeping and here's mom, blathering off about how hard it is for people to be around me, how hard it is for people to have to listen to me. Uh...no one listens to me! I am alone in this house 14 hours or more a day. People come home to their cooking and cleaning but I assure you, listening is NOT on the agenda. Who are all these people I am supposedly destroying with my cancer talk?

Put your hand in my face, FOOL!

MrsWinnie

(BMX) not a stupid conment but action... Mother in law.. In public place. Walked up to me was happy to see me.. (Im 3 weeks out of surgery) patted my back shoulder area. I said ouch that hurts.. She patted same spot again said sorry thoughr the pain was up front.. I tried to dodge her grasp again as she attempted to pat me again didnt think you would have pain there... I had to raise my voice Stop touching me lol

LAstar

I had a friend of a friend who was hassling me and pinching me on my hip playfully. It's right where my SGAP scar meets my DIEP scar, and there is not a lot of tissue where the drain holes were. I told her a couple of times to stop so she said "well I'll just pinch you here" and proceeded to pinch and twist the skin on my lymphedema arm. It was out of my control -- I hit her. My arm just flew up and I (ironically) hit her in the breast. I was almost in tears it hurt so bad, and I had been babying that arm because I was travelling by air and had a bug bite. She got an earful from me about being so physically abusive to anyone, but especially me since my body is covered in scars and I have long-term side effects to manage. WTF is wrong with people?

Larkspur

That is just bizarre, LAstar. I'm so sorry.
Touching any acquaintance that way is inappropriate, no matter how "playful" the intentions are. Does your mutual friend have any idea what was behind that behavior?

LAstar

I think that person is just jealous and vindictive. I apologized to our mutual friend, but she said she deserved it! I have another friend, she is nearly 70, and she rough-handedly whacks me on my lymphedema arm every time I see her. It's just a habit she has. Every time, I have to tell her that's my bad arm and I see her catch herself over and over. Why are some people so rough??? I just don't get it.

Mrs. Winnie, I'm glad you didn't smack your MIL! That is pretty ridiculous to not listen to you.

DancingElizabeth

One thing that bugs me (lately) is (from people who know I had chemo) is when they comment on my new "hairstyle" and how they've thought about getting theirs cut "super short" - themselves.

I know they're just trying to be nice and make conversation.

But, this is a haircut - that I would have NEVER asked for!!!! (and, at the cost of chemo - that's one heck of an expensive cut!)

Meow13

Why did you get cancer? You are thin, eat healthy, fit exercise everyday, no family history, and never sick. Why do you think you got it? I like to answer, The stress I feel from people around me.

MrsWinnie

lol Meow.. Hubbys favorite saying.... God loves stuiped people he made many of them.

Herculesmulligan

My mother who is usually very logical recently gave me a book saying I can't heal unless I learn to go outside in the grass with bare feet and exchange electrons with the earth.

I don't even know what to do with that.

aussielovergirl

rdeesides & Scared67

I am so with ya on that one. I hate when people say be positive and the stupid shit people are saying is "just cause they care" ! if they care, they can just shut up and stop stressing me out.

I've seen the positive ones - (other forms of cancer) in a couple friends -- and its great -- it works for them, maybe they break down when they get home, or maybe they just keep on chugging along like that and keep busy. I guess family and friends WANT to see that - versus - seeing the bad side, when you are not up to anything, or look terrible, or just having a down sad day. It is just because it makes them uncomfortable and seeing a "FIGHTER" and someone be so positive is what they want us to be - all the time... ugh !

ShetlandPony

Ok here's one. I was a worried stage 1, talking to the second-opinion onc about whether I was ok on just Tamoxifen to avoid recurrence. At some point she said, "Nobody lives forever." Um, ok, how about we trade places and I live to be 85 and you get cheated out of decades of life?

kathindc

That reminds me of the onc I saw. She was going to put me on aromasin. Mentioned just a couple of the side effects, which I thought odd, and then added with a laugh we all start getting aches and pains after a certain age. Well thank you for that, but I do prefer to get them from the natural aging process instead of drug induced. Never went back to her.

EastcoastTS

OMG, guys. How damn stupid (insert insensitive or thoughtless) are people? I hope it's okay that I'm laughing at some of them. I mean...what else CAN we do?I have a couple to add.

My PS (whom I really like and I get what she was trying to imply): that implant Exchange and/or getting implants is the "fun part of breast cancer".

I have a couple of ones from my brother too but they make me so mad, I may have to share later. Anyway, he's not invited to sit at my table of life at the moment. We only have room for so many.

Cancer is a good way to weed out the punks in your life!!!!!!!

EastcoastTS

Hercules:

Your mom's is pretty hilarious. You gotta admit. Almost as good as the person a couple of pages back whose mom said she got BC because she's a vegetarian.

Tell her a bunch of your BC buddies are exchanging electrons with the Earth as we speak.

Herculesmulligan

Eastcoast, stop hogging all the electrons!!

runor

Hercules, your post made me laugh! The barefoot book of breast cancer treatment, all good as long as you don't step in dog poop.

Eastcoast, I really like your saying, 'table of life'. That struck a note with me. The analogy was instantly visible in my mind. Who do we invite to join us at the table for the proverbial 'last meal'? Even Christ only had so many on the menu.

EastcoastTS

Runor:

I think I read the "who you invite to your table" maybe in the Crazy, Sexy Cancer book. I can't quite recall. But as we get older -- there are only so many that we are able to really share life and experiences with. Some people disinvite themselves. But that's ok.

If we walk in grass and cure BC, what is walking in poop going to cure? I think Hercules should ask her mom. Poop is organic after all, right???

EastcoastTS

Runor:

I think I read the "who you invite to your table" maybe in the Crazy, Sexy Cancer book. I can't quite recall. But as we get older -- there are only so many that we are able to really share life and experiences with. Some people disinvite themselves. But that's ok.

If we walk in grass and cure BC, what is walking in poop going to cure? I think Hercules should ask her mom. Poop is organic after all, right???

Herculesmulligan

I dunno Eastcoast, maybe colon cancer.

TWills

I said the stupid comment yesterday, I couldn't believe it as it fell out of my mouth. I started a program through the hospitals wellness center for BC patients to regain strength and such, we work with a personal trainer and I was paired with one other lady. After class we were sharing our recovery stories and she told me she was able to have immediate reconstruction at the time of BMX and I said it! I said "that was lucky"!! I was so surprised when it came out, so mindless. I immediately apologized and said obviously there is nothing lucky about having to go through any type of recovery or reconstruction but sheesh, I'll definetly soften my feelings whenever loved ones and others say similar things to me. I cringe every time I think about it.