Stupid comments ....

Lovebug40

I had a family member say-have you lost any weight yet? I know you have always wanted and tried to lose weight! People with cancer lose weight

Lovebug40

I had a family member say- have you lost any weight yet? I know you have always wanted and tried to lose weight! People with cancer lose weight.

Spookiesmom

I'd answer, yes, 34#, but there has to be an easier way.

ChiSandy

In early Dec. I went to a cast party for an annual show in which I'd performed since 2002 but from which I had to withdraw in 2015 because I'd thought I'd be too sick or tired to get through rehearsals and give a performance worthy of the show. (I did get to write some of it). Most of my pals told me unabashedly and without any reservation "You look great" and then in the same breath, "but how are you, really?" Fair enough. But a few gazed at my hair & chest quizzically before hugging me and congratulating me for getting through treatment (mostly) unscathed. One asked "You were able to keep your hair?" and another actually exlaimed "Wow! Your hair grew back fast!" I guess they'd expected I'd be bald, flat and emaciated (or moon-faced from steroids).

In fact, there are times I am reluctant to mention my having gone through bc because I feel like an impostor or malingerer compared to those who had chemo and/or mastectomies.

ORgal

I understand what you mean about feeling like an imposter, as I didn't have chemo either. And then family thinks it was "easy" for me. What they don't realize is the stress, and the worrying of recurrence is just as real for us, not to mention the side effect that are still there from treatment we did have, like 2 scars on my breast, fibrosis on the muscle wall from radiation, and side effects from tamoxifen that I have to take for 10 years!

Marie711

Sandy and ORgal , I had mastectomies and still feel like I got off too easy not going through chemo or radiation! Why do we beat ourselves up and compare cancers and treatments? I have to fight the tendency to think a relative had it easy because they "just" have DCIS. After talking with her she has just as much fear as others that are later stages. The mental battle seems to be underestimated by others.

Anniekay80

I feel the same way! I "only" had DCIS and decided on bilateral mastectomy to greatly reduce the chance of ever hearing the words "you have breast cancer" again. But I do find myself comparing my diagnosis and treatment against others.....I can't help it. I had the surgery and don't need any further treatment (no hormonal therapy, no chemo, no radiation) I was even able to have nipple sparring mastectomies, so other than the bi-monthly fluid fills which are not fun and exchanging the current TEs in the next several months, I won't even need another surgery for nipple reconstruction or tattooing.

Even as I write this I can see how wrong I am to feel like an imposter, but it doesn't seem to matter.....I still feel like I got off easy and shouldn't call myself a cancer survivor; after all I only knew I had cancer for exactly one month before I had the surgery to remove it.

I even feel bad about the fact my husband has been so supportive especially when I read other's stories about being single and alone or worse being with a partner who isn't supportive at all. I want to broadcast to the world how great my husband has been....what a pillar of strength and how this horrible diagnosis actually brought us even closer......but I don't do this very often because I feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty for getting lucky with my diagnosis? Why do I feel guilty I didn't have it worse? And why do I feel guilty for having such an amazing husband?

Logically I know just how wrong it is to feel this way.....but I can't seem to stop feeling this way. Maybe some of this is just the hormones talking or anesthesia brain......I hope so. I can't believe I'm feeling sort of guilty that I'm not more sick, when I know I should be grateful for the miracles I've been given.

These boards are a godsend.......I don't feel as isolated when I read through the posts and find women here who feel the same way I do. Thank you all for sharing your stories....it does help with some of this emotional baggage I've been carrying around. Maybe I'll "lose a few pounds"!

MeToo14

i can't speak for everyone, but in my opinion no one should feel like an imposter. You shouldn't feel guilty. You all had cancer! You all had your lives turned upside down. You all went through so much. Your lives will never be the same. I went through so much but feel that there is no difference between those who were fortunate enough to catch it early, and myself.

solfeo

I have found the solution to all of our "stupid comment" problems! A friend sent me the link because I've been having some anger at "stupid" family members. I want to post a screen shot but I'm not sure if it violates the terms here, so I'll just link to it.

Adult Coloring Books: Swear Word Coloring Books

Anniekay80

Solfeo

I love it.....a must buy! LOL

kyliet

I am still dumbfounded by this. A co-worker I had just met, telling me that she gave up her career teaching yoga....because it was too stressful treating all those women who got breast cancer because they wouldn't listen to her and relax.

Hernie

what a beach!

What did you say to her?

kyliet

I was so shocked, but it got worse. I said 'oh, I had breast cancer' and she said 'well you would know what I mean, what stresses were in your life that caused it?' I wasn't being drawn into that conversation, so I made an excuse and left. Luckily I don't have to see her again.

Hernie

Wow, that is so much worse!

After my MX, a lady came to my hospital room to sell me a prosthesis. She must have heard I was happily divorced because she declared with great authority that it was "the release of stress" that causes BC. Hmm.

Honestly, when there is so much blaming us for BC, I can't imagine what it is like for people with lung cancer or smoking-related diseases. They are already trained to blame themselves. One wife of a man with metastatic head and neck cancer said to me, "Yeah, but he DID smoke." SO?? Does that mean he deserves this?!Sigh...

sas-schatzi

This is a repost. Scuttlers posted it awhile back. I thought it deserved to be perserved. I put it in the topic box on Pinktober revolution.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"This is just a sampling of the bonehead comments we hear all the time. Thanks Scuttlers for finding this "

scuttlers wrote: I may make a copy, put on the fridge, and play bingo for one week. If I get a "Bingo", hubby takes me to dinner. If I get a "full card", I get a full spa treatment. Then all those idiots would be wondering why I jump up and down and scream happily at their stupid and asinine remarks. :-). !!!!!"

Most times I just want to not be nice and say something hurtfull, but nastiness can boomerang.

kyliet

You are so right Split bean. I have found out today that a dear friend has lung cancer. I don't care if he smoked, no one deserves this crap.

sas-schatzi

I have a cousin who's brother got colon cancer and now has been dx'd with lung cancer. The docs said it was b/c of smoking. My response was "Well the genetics have allot to do with it, they're are now 26/53 of us on Dad's side that have cancer". Her "OH no it's the smoking". Me "Okay if that's true then what about all those that didn't smoke". She diverted back to "Oh no doctors said it was smoking". Her odds of getting cancer are huge considering her two brothers have 3 cancers between them. AND of the 21 women--3 aunts and 19 girls they're 9 breast cancers, 1 liver cancer, 1 sarcoma, 1 thyroid. 1 lung. The uncles and boys have had 2 prostate, lung, 2 colon, 3 kidney, throat. (chit I've lost track). Wonder what her response will be then. Bunch of skin cancers. But no it's smoking.

LAstar

ayr1016, your MIL's initial response was pretty shocking! I swear, there was an SNL skit about people who react inappropriately to bad news. What a curse that must be!

kyliet, I think that yoga teacher needed to change professions because she is a clueless ninny who has no skills in helping people. So sorry about your friend.

I hear you all about the imposter syndrome. For DCIS, I had 2 lumpectomies, 11-hour BMX with reconstruction, and 3 additional reconstructive surgeries due to a complication. But I was spared chemo, rads, and AI's so I can't completely relate to my friends with treatment for higher-stage BC. However, there is no imaging for me at this point and it's hard to find an ONC that will follow me. One told me to come back if my bones start to hurt. It's hard to not worry when there is little monitoring that can be done.

I love the bingo!

MissNicey

No, you are not the only receiver of stupid comments. When I was first diagnosed, I wanted so much for my husband to comfort me. And I remember saying to him that of all my siblings, I was the only one who never had anything wrong, ( In fact, I am hardly, ever sick.) and his reply was, "You've had a good run." That comment hurt so bad. My 28 year old son was in ear shot of the conversation and said that was so mean. My husband has since made a couple other stupid comments. I think he is scared and really does not know what to say. He has apologized to me twice. We have been married for 36 years. I just have him and two sons. Other then that, I am alone.

MissNicey

No, you are not the only receiver of stupid comments. When I was first diagnosed, I wanted so much for my husband to comfort me. And I remember saying to him that of all my siblings, I was the only one who never had anything wrong, ( In fact, I am hardly, ever sick.) and his reply was, "You've had a good run." That comment hurt so bad. My 28 year old son was in ear shot of the conversation and said that was so mean. My husband has since made a couple other stupid comments. I think he is scared and really does not know what to say. He has apologized to me twice. We have been married for 36 years. I just have him and two sons. Other then that, I am alone.

lala1

When I told my DH about my diagnosis, he pulled me in for a long hug and eventually said "My mom always said you were my angel." It was what I considered to be the stupidest comment he could have made. It made me feel like he already had me dead and buried. But he's been by my side through every step and tells me all the time how much he loves me and thinks I look awesome. I know he didn't mean anything by that comment. Just goes to show what people blurt out when they are panicked and don't know what else to say to make things better.

solfeo

Not really a stupid comment in my eyes because we share the same kind of sense of humor, but my husband's most memorable remark came out when I had to go to the emergency room once after my surgery. I was talking to the doctor and nurse about my breasts, in the past tense, when DH looks down all somber and shakes his head, "May they rest in peace." Just for a brief moment you could see in the other people's eyes that they didn't know how to react, until I busted out laughing. Then the whole room cracked up. It was pretty funny.

sbelizabeth

Husbands! I came home from work one day in the middle of treatment, all weepy and freaked and making no sense whatsoever. I blubbed, "I will die of cancer and I don't want you to be alone so I want you to get married again but then you and she will die and come to heaven and I'll be all jealous that you're there with her." !!!! He didn't miss a beat. "It will be OK honey," he said, "I'll marry a sinner so she can't come."

sas-schatzi

OMD, E, that is so precious

LAstar

sbelizabeth, your DH has a gift!

ShetlandPony

Solfeo and Elizabeth, thanks for the laugh

Meadow

Raidergirl...Anyone know where she has been? She hasn't been on BCO since Sept 1, any info on her?

Joleigh05

I think my favorite one so far has been from a guy I went to high school with tell me " You only have Breast Cancer they will just cut it out and you'll be fine its not like real cancer" Well not only did they cut it out they took both of my breast. Some people have no clue

tjh

The last person who told me I was "lucky " it was only BC got my response....6 hour surgery, drain s for 6 weeks, chemo for 4 months, 3 hour surgery, 10 years of anti hormone pains, months of no hair...Do you want to trade places? It shut them and they were crying.

Meadow

Joleigh, welcome!