Life does not end with a stage IV diagnosis (really!)

Tina2

Exbrnxgrl,

I'm sure you'll grow fonda Wanda. Enjoy!

Tina

Nan812

ohhhh wanda is just beautiful....my dirt licker dyson has been letting me down, i think i may break up with him and find someone new online...just not sure how to break the news to him, and sneak him to the curb....he's been a faithful sucker for 15 years....lmao

Micmel

Nan~ lmfao!! Awesome post. Made me laugh out loud. lol thank you ! ~M~

exbrnxgrl

Thsnk you all. Yes, she's a real looker, as far as water heaters go. I must confess that being stage IV did play in to my decision on what water heater to buy. Wanda, was not the most expensive model. She is not designed to last as long as another model I was offered. I saved a few hundred dollars by not going with the model that would last for a longer period of time, as I felt I might not last that long. Strange way to think, but that's a stage IV reality.

artistatheart

Well Wanda is just lovely! She may surprise you and last and last and last just like yourself!

bigbhome

Last night at Siesta Key!

bigbhome

exbrnxgrl

Love those sunset pics. It's calming just to look at them 😌.

Please help me choose compassion over anger. One of my grade level colleagues retired last week. I have known her for over 25 years and she taught both of my daughters. Since her mother passed away, about 10 years ago, she has undergone a major personality change. Won't go in to all of the details, but after remaining mum on her impending retirement and then claiming she had cleaned out her classroom, she moved out of state. My principal discovered a hoarders disaster in her room (she had a large room with more storage space than most), once closets/cabinets were open. The principal, two custodians, several teachers, myself included and ranking members from the district office (CFO, head of HR etc) spent almost two full days going through it. It was overwhelming and beyond the bounds of my imagination. Now, I realize that my former colleague needs help (the hoarding is just the tip of her mental issues) and I hope she gets it, but I am royally pissed off that so many others had to spend their time and energy to clean up her disaster. Yes, she has a sickness, but I'm still pissed. I suppose it's normal to feel compassion and anger over the situation, but when I think of how many people were left with the task of dealing with this, anger wins out. How do I get compassion to win? I want to scream at her, " You left this shit show for the woman with stage IV bc ( among others) to clean up? How could you do that?" I am not easy to anger, but this was beyond unbelievable

Lita57

Sunset off Monterey Bay. So happy to be here. Going home tomorrow 🙁.

keetmom

Yesterday was my birthday DH  and I saw Billy Joel..it was amaing....and true Bucket list experience. Need to enjoy small moments

melmcbee

Keetmom that is so awesome.

Micmel

gotta love Billy Joel!! Way to go! Another notch of the bucket belt! Jealous! ~M~

DivineMrsM

Lita, beautiful sunset.

Keetmom, glad you got to see a rock icon.

Caryn, wow, a hoarder beyond the bounds of your imagination? I would be interested in hearing more details. You are right, your anger and compassion over this woman's situation will probably have to co-exist for awhile. I sure can understand the anger. It is okay to be ticked off about it.

It sounds like it was a shock to your system in a number of different ways--how she could have concealed this side of her for so long; lied about clearing her room; you actually witness the mess and the part where you chip in your time and energy to correct her....mistakes.

I find the topic interesting enough that I've read a few books on it. Maybe a book on the subject would offer you some additional insight on the matter. Here is one: From Hoarding to Hope, Understanding People who Hoard and how to Help Them by Geralin Thomas. You don't need to help this woman as she has moved, but the book might give you some perspective about her. Somehow the passing of her mom set this behaviour off in her, what a shame, tho it happens to a lot of people, they just spiral out of control. Makes you wonder what her house was like. Might be why she moved out of state. I read another book about the daughter of a hoarder, and they moved a number of times because her dad was a compulsive hoarder; interesting book called Coming Clean.

exbrnxgrl

reposting, since there was no response. Really struggling with this, especially how angry I am at my former colleague. Also learned that our former director of instructional services passed away yesterday. He was a great man and dedicated to public education. What a loss. My phone also died and I can't get an appt. until tomorrow. At least I have a new water heater (in the midst of our heatwave 🙄).

Please help me choose compassion over anger. One of my grade level colleagues retired last week. I have known her for over 25 years and she taught both of my daughters. Since her mother passed away, about 10 years ago, she has undergone a major personality change. Won't go in to all of the details, but after remaining mum on her impending retirement and then claiming she had cleaned out her classroom, she moved out of state. My principal discovered a hoarders disaster in her room (she had a large room with more storage space than most), once closets/cabinets were open. The principal, two custodians, several teachers, myself included and ranking members from the district office (CFO, head of HR etc) spent almost two full days going through it. It was overwhelming and beyond the bounds of my imagination. Now, I realize that my former colleague needs help (the hoarding is just the tip of her mental issues) and I hope she gets it, but I am royally pissed off that so many others had to spend their time and energy to clean up her disaster. Yes, she has a sickness, but I'm still pissed. I suppose it's normal to feel compassion and anger over the situation, but when I think of how many people were left with the task of dealing with this, anger wins out. How do I get compassion to win? I want to scream at her, " You left this shit show for the woman with stage IV bc ( among others) to clean up? How could you do that?" I am not easy to anger, but this was beyond unbelievable

DivineMrsM

Caryn, just posted a couple minutes before you did, see just above your post

exbrnxgrl

Divine,

Thank you so much for replying. As I mentioned, I knew her even before I taught at my school because my daughters were her students. I think she has a lot of comorbidities . Neither I nor my colleagues are trained to make a dx, but depression and OCD seem to be part of it. She was also paranoid and was sure that the last two principals we had were out to get her. Her room, though crowded was pin neat. Her room theme was frogs and every surface was adorably decorated, though 95% was her doing, only a tiny bit was student work. Every piece of student work was perfect. She erased, fixed or corrected anything that wasn't. All of her students always met all grade level standards, and responded to her if they had behavioral problems. Of course, that was not the case when they were in kindergarten nor when they went on to grade 2 , but the illusion of perfection was of great importance to her. It must have been exhausting. Every closet/ covered storage area was where she squirreled things away. Everything from office supplies to crayons (hundreds of boxes, sorted through so each box contained only one color!), clothing, shower curtain rings, candy and almost anything and everything one can think of. She was raised in the area, the youngest of a large, religiously conservative family. Contrary to her religion's expectations, she never married but remained deeply involved in her church, but they reassigned her to less desireable duties. That hurt her deeply, but she remained faithful to the church. By early this year, all of her siblings, nieces and nephews had moved out of state, so she was all alone. She moved near her older sister and cherished nieces, so at least she has some support, but I fear that family alone will not be enough. Many of us tried to, gently, talk with her, offer help and suggestions, but nothing worked. She really loved her students, but despite ongoing professional development and vocally supporting curricular changes and technology, taught exactly as she had 30 years ago. Newer curricular materials, tech equipment etc. were all still in original packaging and stored away. This caused her to become upset if the principal came to her classroom unannounced (which they have every right to do), because chances are that nothing progressive was going on. However, if she was having a formal observation, she would spend weeks preparing a slick, new lesson for show. Students were not allowed to have food or drink in the classroom (on cold rainy days they huddled under the eaves to eat snack), nor were there trash cans in the class. There was a large trash can that she put outside her door each morning, so students had to go in and out to throw out even a scrap of trash. Again, exhausting for all.

Sorry to dump all of this here, but I am floored every time I think of this and filled with anger and sadness, and helplessness that there was nothing anyone was able to do to help her.

DivineMrsM

Wow, Caryn. This is definitely a most unusual situation, not your every day occurance. I find the story fascinating, tho. It floors me that a teacher wouldn't even have a trash can in their room! Crazy. And the crayons, so all one color in each box....my goodness!

I think because you saw only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, for years, it is the shock of seeing what has been floating underneath the surface that is what you are trying to come to grips with. I've had that happen a few times in my life, and it takes awhile to process it all. (For example, back in the 90s, I found out two years after my next door neighbor moved in that she was trying to force her son (8 years old) to transition into being a girl. Her son was friends with my son! This was years before transgender was such a topical subject, and it was hard to wrap my head around it. I kept feeling there was something off....well, there was! It wasn't that he wanted to be a girl, SHE wanted it. A bizarre story. I felt anger, confusion, lots of other stuff. It all went to court and the ex-husband/father got custody. It took a long time for me to process it all. And, dh and I never told our son, to this day).

It is sad that the teacher felt she had to project such a measure of perfection and I agree, it must have been exhausting to keep up the fascade all those years. Then dumps the clean up on the school staff and walks away. You wonder how someone could do that but as the saying goes, it takes all kinds of kinds. I wonder how being retired is going to affect all her cormorbidities, which she definitely has. Surely her family realizes at least some of the issues she has and hopefully accepts her and can at least help her in some ways.

Maybe next school year, as someone new moves into her room and you begin to associate it with another person and not the hoarder, that will help, too.

artistatheart

Caryn, I think deep down you have chosen compassion over anger already just by recognizing that this woman has so many issues and expressing concern over her future. Think how miserable her life must be that she had to crawl out with her tail between her legs after all these years and feel good that you have a much better handle on life even with MBC.

I have a friend like that actually who over the years has not improved one wit. I once went to her hoarders house to try and help her pack up the moving van as she was moving out of state. Instead of getting down to business she walked around reminising about each item and acting like an elegant hostess. "How about a glass of wine?" "Should we do some lunch?" All the while I was desperately trying to pack up her most important stuff and get it on the van. She ended up leaving at least 50% behind for the new owner. Very very sad...

Rainedrop

having a very bad, anxious day.

Micmel

Raine~ I am sorry !! Sending gentle cyber hugs. Hang in there!!! ~M~

ABeautifulSunset

Caryn, I'm not a mental health professional, but I do have a some experience with a son with what I call "brain issues". Here is my take. Her need for everything to be in order on the surface is her way of being able to function in society. The things she can't put in order, she shoves in a closet or drawer and forgets about. All of that crap she left behind for you is stuff she literally has no skill in how to deal with. She can only deal with a small amount of items, and in perfect order. The rest I believe she is unable to cope with on any level. There was probably not any malicious intent, or maybe not even any thought involved in her leaving that all behind. She was simply not able to address it. It's hard for us typical brains to understand that, but atypical brains don't think the same way. I get your anger at having to clean up her shit. But If It were me, I would llean toward compassion. We have enough to be angry at. I hope you won't let this woman sap you of any more of your strength. You needthat for your own fight.

Steganie

DivineMrsM

Stefajoy, your well written response offers great insight on the issue of hoarding!

DivineMrsM

Raine, you don't post often, so I don't know what you may be dealing with. Sending you cyber hugs like Micmel.

exbrnxgrl

Thanks stefanie. It's not just me however...it is so many others who had to clean up her crap. Hard working custodians, principal, other teachers , district office folks etc. I feel for them and the hours they devoted, while on summer break, to this shit show. We all knew she had issues, she refused all attempts at support or any form of help and left others to deal with it. My compassion goes out to those who had to clean up her crap as much as it goes out to her. She's left a tremendous amount of resentment in her wake. And here's where you'll think I'm really strange, despite stage IV, I have never felt as if I am in a fight. I live my life quite normally, and this is just one of those things that happen in life. Lest you think that I'm unsympathetic toward mental illness, I have dealt with cutting, anxiety, and eating disorders in my immediate family (much of it the fallout from sexual molestation). I myself spent 23 years (yikes!) in an abusive marriage to an alcoholic. Being stage IV doesn't preclude me from having very mixed feelings about how her illness has affected myself and others. I'm getting a bit weary of cleaning up the mess that others leave behind, but again, that's life.

Twirp26

raine, I'm also sending hugs and prayers. I'm sorry you are having a rough one. Hang in there. Sometimes we just need reminded that we are not alone. You are not!

bigbhome

Raine - I hope today is a better day for you. Sending hugs your way.

Exbrnxgrl - I think you have a realistic and healthy view of the problem. I am sorry that you had to deal with the mess.

I have decided to have a mental health day! After my Dr appointment, I am going to download Dean Koontz new book and get lost in it! For those of you who like to read, his books are awesome! He likes to mess with your mind and his writing is so descriptive you feel as though you are there!

Have a great day everyone!

Hugs and prayers

C

DivineMrsM

Dh and I had a fun time at Ocean City, Maryland last week. Stayed in a hotel on the boardwalk amd walked it every day; lovely ocean views from our balcony. Had lunch one afternoon at a Pittsburgh themed restaurant bar jam packed with Steeler, Pirates, & Penguins memorobilia and more iconic items from the 'Burgh. Tried Ocean City's official drink, an Orange Crush: vodka, triple sec, lemon lime soda and freshly squeezed orange juice. A nice, lite taste. Also tasted Maryland crab dip that was excellent, creamy and somewhat sweet served with a hot pretzel drizzled with melted cheddar. The saltiness of the pretzel was a delicious contrast to the sweetness of the dip, really heavenly. Rode the Ferris Wheel on the Pier to see the beach from above. Kicked our toes in the ocean tho it was too cold to swim, but made use of the hotel indoor pool and hot tub in the evening.

It wasn't necessarily my favorite vacation, but I really enjoyed going somewhere I'd never been before. I love to study the map and get an understanding of the geography of the trip, bodies of water, state lines and routes traveled. It was interesting to me that a couple years ago, we took a cruise ship from Baltimore out thru the Chesapeake Bay to the Bahamas, sailing under the Chesapeake Bridge; on this trip, we drove over it. It is quite an impressive engineering feat.

The most comical thing that happened on the trip: after eating lunch at a marina restaurant on the bayside of OC, dh and I walked thru a posh neighborhood to get back to our hotel. While gazing at the beautiful homes we passed, we spied a middle aged man nude sunbathing on the balcony of his million dollar home on the Isle of Wight Bay. I mean, it was hysterical. We were trying not to laugh out loud but I wanted to squeal.

Faith-840

Divine Mrs. M., glad you had a fun time but I laughed out loud at your nude sunbather remark! It reminds me of a time years ago when my DH and I took a 30th anniversary trip to Bermuda and while playing golf on a beautiful golf course on the ocean,Looked over the cliff and saw a very tan nude male sunbather. Not sure it helped my golf game but it sure brought a smile to my face.

artistatheart

I'm like that too Divine, liking to check out the atlas and see how the landmarks lie and get a handle on direction. This weekend we drove down to the one country in Calif and stayed at a little antique hotel in Jamestown. Went to a concert at a winery. Then we drove home by going through there Sonora pass which is just spectacular with scenery. The river was absolutely raging and the power and noise of it was thrilling. Made me feel like such a small part of this world...

txmom

Hi Everyone,

Not sure I've posted here before but I visit every once in a while.

Caryn, I can understand your feelings toward your co-worker. I would be angry if I had to spend one of my days cleaning up someone else's mess but maybe it would help you to think of it in terms of she wants the same thing as you, to be happy and free from suffering. Unfortunately she chose to run away rather than get help which is a shame because she can't run away from mental illness anymore than we can run away from cancer.

I wanted to share that I accepted a full time job at the high school today. I'm really excited! When I first got diagnosed I thought....well, I didn't know what to think or expect. I'm a middle aged mom who needs something more. I still have children at home but they are teens and need me less. My oldest graduated this year. It's not an option for me to retire and I feel depressed while home alone all day. Excited to start this next chapter. XO