October 2013 Chemotherapy

Tipps04

looks like it has been a bit of a rough weekend for some of you ladies. I promise it gets better. I was ready to quit my chemo after the first treatment - I am NOT a quitter, so you have to know it was bad. I had very little sleep, my mind constantly racing and did experience panic/anxiety attacks. I beleive it was from the steroids and probably from all the strange chemicals by body was trying to deal with. There was a point I thought I was going to lose my mind. It was so unsettling. But in about a weeks time, things started to settle down and I started to feel somewhat normal. By the time I saw my MO for check up, I had decided to continue treatment. Mostly what I have dealt with for the past two weeks is fatigue, runny nose and the hair thing. I did go out shopping today with just my pink Yankees cap and I was surprised at how comfortable and empowered I felt! Certainly surprised me! Pam358-Big thanks for the hugs! Spent today cleaning my house in anticipation of my next treatment wed. A clean organized house makes me feel in control. It is very therapeutic for me these days. However I am completely pooped now so have decided to finish tomorrow.

Kim - so glad the fever is down to a more manageable level now! Thank goodness and hang in there!

Hoping tomorrow is a better day for those suffering from SE this weekend.

JennH8

Hi ladies! Sorry I've been MIA for a while. I tell ya, life goes by so fast. So, since last check-in my hair took a leap. It got so scraggly I finally got sick of it and told my hubby to shave it. He and both our girls took turns giving mom a haircut and then he shaved what was left down to about an inch. I still have some hanging on but not a whole head's worth. I've decided at this point I'm not going to get a wig. I'm just not feeling it. I've got quite a few knit hats but bandanas seem to be what I'm most comfortable in at the moment. I'm going out to dinner with a friend tonight. It will be my first outing without hair. I'm a bit nervous. How has that worked for you ladies? Anyone gone out since their hair loss and how did it go?

I go for treatment #2 on Monday. Had my lab work done and my potassium and magnesium were down, so they're going to give me a potassium infusion when I go for chemo, and I was told to add more magnesium-rich foods to my diet.

Oh, weird side effect I'm having. Anyone dealing with their period on chemo. This thing is going on for...ev...er! I started about 2 days before my first chemo. Treatment 2 is on Monday and it hasn't stopped. When the pharmacy gal called Friday to go over my labs and discuss my next treatment I told her about it. She said that's not something she's heard a lot. Apparently it's usually the other way around with ladies periods stopping. I plan on mentioning it to my doc on Monday.

DogLoverHER2Pos

Hi Ladies,

I live in Minnesota in the summer and Texas in the winter. this adds an interesting element to my treatment plan. I was diagnosed in Sept. 2013, lumpectomy in Sept. 2013. Started chemotherapy TCH in Texas after arriving here in Oct.

I had read on the internet about woman who breezed through their first few breast cancer chemo treatments and weren't even sure the clinic was giving them chemo. I have also read about women who worked all the way through their breast cancer treatments without having to take any time off work. As a healthy 60 year old woman I expected that I too would breeze through at least the first few treatments. Not so.

My first TCH treatment was October 28 followed by a Neulasta injection on October 29. The first night of treatment I had moderate to severe abdominal pain. Called the MO office. The doctor on call would not return my call (per the answering service) because my area code was long distance. Talked to the pharmacist at Walgreens and he told me to take the Compazine even though I wasn't having nausea and it would help with the abdominal spasms. It did!!

I have had sleep issues which I attribute to the steroids. This probably adds to my tiredness but I haven't been real concerned. I get up when I can't sleep and read, or work on my computer, or meditate... During the day if I am tired I lay down. If I can't sleep I just lay on the bed and watch a DVD. At least I am getting rest even if I am not getting sleep. This has resolved now that I am done taking the steroids following the chemo.

I have had a constant headache since chemo. Not a head banging type, but an annoying, draining headache that just hangs on. May taste is altered and many things taste like metal, especially if they happen to come from a can. (Psychologically?)

I have been experiencing a great deal of tiredness and exhaustion since Thursday. I also feel achy, especially in my chest, low back, and shoulders. The chest achiness feels like it is in the sternum. My tiredness is a feeling that everything takes so much more energy than I anticipate. Even holding my body in a sitting position tires me.

I am self employed and need to drive 5 hours each way to see a new client. I am questioning how I will be feeling by Wednesday of next week and if I will be able to handle this. I thought I would be feeling so much better by now. Actually didn't expect to feel this lousy this early. Not psychologically prepared for this.

relocatedtarheel

Wrenn- don't worry so much about chemo. It has so little effect on outcome and I'm not convinced 100% that the disease is worse than the cure.

wrenn

I'm wondering the same Relocated.

naiviv

JennH

My period was ending on my first day of treatment 10/25. I have continued spotting,very lightly. But has not stopped. Waiting to talk to MO about it. Other issues have come up and I just forgot to tell her.

V

mfm48

Pam, I had terrible back pain all three treatments. My SE's last about 10-12 days usually. I feel okay during some of the time, but I don't really feel the upswing till at least day 11. This time, I had lots of energy on Day 7, then, Day 8 I was a total mess. I get the pain in my back and torso and I feel short of breath. Motrin does not help. I usually have to go to a percocet or two to get through it. I took the Claritin the first two tx and still got it. Took Allegra the 3rd tx (because of a rash issue) and still got hte pain. For those having trouble sleeping, my MO gave me Lorazepam for nausea and suggested I take it as a sleep aid. It worked great for me. With all these steroids it is impossible to sleep without something.

Jenn, funny you mention the period. In the midst of my first chemo, my period started 12 days before it was supposed to. It did not stop. Ever. Very light, just a bit every day, but still did not stop. I was worried so went to GYN who ordered a pelvic ultrasound. Apparently my estrogen level is officially zero (sigh) so she thinks it is just the uterus slowly, ever so slowly shedding its lining. They found nothing else in the exam. I will go back in about 4 weeks to make sure thats whats going on. My GYN said its not common, but also not unusual.

I still have rash issues. Started 18 days after the 2nd chemo. Comes back whenever it feels like wherever it feels like (head, torso, arms, feet, unmentionable places). Dermatologist suggested switching to Allegra and gave me some kind of steroid (like I need more) and some cream. These have made it manageable. When I first got it I thought I was going to cut off my arms and legs it was so bad. Now its just itchy.

I wish I could breeze through chemo but I can't. And that means I have to proactive and tough it out through the worst. I accept all offers of help because I need it. I apologize for being grumpy to my mom and husband (who else will take it!) , try and put on my best face for my kids, isolate myself on the bad days and rest and drink as much as I can without apology. Hang in there ladies. You will get through this!

Pam358

Special K - Although my MO isn't convinced that Claritin works I think if I brought it up again he would be fine if I tried it. I think he just has some opinions he's willing to share but isn't hard core about them, he seems pretty laid back about a lot of stuff. Thanks for the link regarding the study.

Lisa - sorry to hear about your scary "panic attack like" feelings, I hope it improves quickly.

JennH8 - Good Luck on Monday! There were a few women on the Sept chemo thread that were dealing with much longer periods and periods not stopping during at least the first part of treatment.

Vintage Gal - I haven't gone for any counseling for this journey but I'm thinking about attending the monthly support group at the clinic I go to. However, counseling has been my profession, so I'm a big fan of the idea! I would also add that if you don't click with the first person you see, try someone else. It's important to feel comfortable.

Pam358

DogLover - welcome, glad you found us and hope you can find some support within the group. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so lousy and that you felt unprepared psychologically.

This weekend's new phrase......The No Hair Stare - well, it's more like an awkward glance and the "aww face". I was out in public all day today and last night as well in my scarves and just seemed to notice it more.

Dewey13

kittykate thanks so much for the lotion/skin product recommendations!

kcat2013

I finally feel somewhat like myself 8 days after my first treatment. I did wake up with some bad bone pain last night, which I assume is from the neulasta even though I had that last saturday. I'm having trouble thinking about doing this again 7 more times.

Doglover welcome! I had hoped I would breeze through treatment like some women do, but that's not going to happen for me. There is no way I could work a job outside the home going through this (I homeschool my kids and will be needing help even doing that). I hope you feel much better by next week and can make the drive to see your client.

Vintagegal I have been struggling with being overwhelmed with thinking about not finishing up treatments/surgeries until Jan2015. I would like to work with a therapist about handling this but I just don't see how I can fit in one more appointment into life (finding childcare for my kids and transport for me if needed)

I'm going to try my best to enjoy this weekend and the few days leading up to my next treatment but I feel it overshadows everything.

wrenn

Kcat, sorry it is a struggle. It is so overwhelming to be doing something so hard and to know it won't end soon. I think we are good at putting up with a lot when we know there is an end in site but this struggle just seems to go on and on. I know what you mean about one more appointment. Hang in there.

lgkgde13

hey Pam I have gotten those stares too but I guess I am kinda used to it already as my daughter had Down syndrome and we often get some staring. Mostly it is bc they know someone with Down syndrome so I like to think the same with cancer. They prob know someone who is battling...just a thought and another way to think about it.

SpiritBlessing

Hi Ladies,

Sounds like it is a rough start of the weekend for some of you warriors. I feel a lot like Wrenn does, we are not doing the treatments yet but feel so much a part of you gals not to mention what teaching we get from all of you. I have so many mixed feelings, proud of you all, strength, surreal that this is happening to us, scared, anxious, apprehension etc.

Are any of you familiar with the book Anti-Cancer and what it says about BPA products?

Regarding Claritin, is it the 12 or 24 hour one?

I will have my appt. with MO next week Tuesday and I am sure we will be planning treatment. What things should I consider while picking the day to do it? I was thinking maybe on Thursday so that if anything happened the next day it wouldn't be on a weekend. But it sounds like there are people available 24/7 to help out, yes?

Kitty - thanks for the info on the Aveda Products. I have used the lotion in the past and liked it. Are most of the ones you listed available over the counter?

Lisa - Regarding chemo brain, this has been one SE I have feared myself when I finally start. My work if very critical to me and won't be retiring for a few years and I really need to be able to work and function. I am set up to work from home and the owners are very supportive and basically said to only do what I can and to focus on my treatments and recovery. I am blessed but it still concerns me because most of what I will be doing is emails and talking to folks via webcam and phone calls. I sure hope I will be able to at least work 4 hours a day even if I have to break it up over 8 hours. That was/is my plan so I sure hope I can do it.

Relocate - you make a very interesting statement, care to elaborate more?

mfm48 - after 3 weeks of my Dx I got my period for 7 days and it was like a normal period. However I have not had a period in about 3 years so I was alarmed of course. I told my Gyn about it so he had me come in for a check up/biopsy and he scheduled me for an ultrasound. I was like "really, seriously...I don't need this now too." Thankfully all came back normal and he attributed it to nerves and stress. Haven't had another one so I feel ok about it.

Wrenn - glad you are doing ok today and hanging in there. I think you and I are in the same spot with our treatments delayed. Not sure if I stated in an earlier post but I had gotten a bacterial infection in my incision 3 weeks post surgery. Surgeon put me on some powerful antibiotics and it is gone now...thank God!

Tomorrow is another day...I don't know how many of you are using faith to keep you going but I would like to share a few verses that I use for strength regularly. Psalms 16 A Prayer of Confidence and Isaiah 41:10. If you would like I could post them both for you.

Praying everyone is having more comfort and peace this evening and through the next week. You/we are not alone on this journey...

kittykate78

Hey Spirit - oh yes, you can find them all at an Aveda store or online. The employees in the shops are super knowledgeable. This is a great article on our skin issues & ive heard amazing things about the products on this site: http://cvskinlabs.com/skin-conditions/side-effects-of-chemotherapy-and-radiation/

Pam358

lg - I agree, it could remind them of someone when they see us and for some I think they are just compassionate and feel bad when they know others are going through a tough time. It doesn't really bother me, I'm just getting used to it. I think sometimes I forget about the bc and see the look and for a second wonder what it's about and then remember - oh yeah, right bc, no hair. I do have to say the smiles are more helpful than the sad look. I'll have to remember that for next year when I have hair and I'm looking at someone else walking through the mall.

lgkgde13

totally agree with you Pam!! I have gotten the looks and I totally forget as well and am like oh yeah right they at staring at me

smrlvr

spiritBlessing - I would love it if you would post those bible verses. I am really trying to put this into perspective and I am having a hard time. I too, will be starting chemo in November; probably the week of the 11th. But I want to stay on this forum with the October ladies as the are so helpful!

I am also thinking about seeking counseling. Even though my emotions have calmed down somewhat since surgery and diagnosis, I am still very scared and anxious. I cannot sleep without taking anti anxiety or Tylenol pm. I hate having to be that way. Plus being home and not working let's my mind wander into all kinds of anxiety provoking directions. That's why I would like to work during chemo if possible. If I can't sleep now, I don't know what it will be like once I have to take the steroids. I am not sure why the give them; would it be wise to ask not to have them?

This week I have appointments every day relating to my bc. ECG, onc, RO, and 2nd opinion at Sloan. Very stressful week ahead then I walk into the chemo world after that. I have already bought all my supplies that I read about on this forum.

I hope all of you have a nice, relaxing Sunday.

LiLi1964

SpiritBlessing – I for one would love to read the bible verses; please feel free to post them.

Regarding work- I was also given the option to work at home as needed.  But this “chemo brain” is like part of my memory has been erased and it doesn’t matter if I’m in the office or at home…my brain is not functioning “normally”.  I don’t want to work with the company’s financial data with how I feel and if the SE’s are going to last this long each time (9 days post chemo) that means maybe being able to work 3 days every other week.  That’s not going to work.  So after a lot of thinking and discussions w/my husband, daughter and PCP I think I’m going to see about going on disability so I can just concentrate on dealing w/chemo as best as possible and not worry about work.  It is NOT what I want, wanted, or expected (I expected perhaps a few days off after chemo having read “days 2-5 are the worst”).  Other than working last Wed, which was a mistake, I actually missed 6 days of work after just one treatment.  I’m obviously not one of those women who can breeze thru chemo….

Please do not take my experience as though it will happen to you.  If I might advise…go into each chemo with the thought of “I know about all the SE’s that can happen, but that does not mean ANY will happen to me”.  With that in mind, simple handle any SE that comes up as it comes up.  Even having had such a poor experience after my first chemo, I’m still determined to face each with the thought I had above! 

My work is very critical to me as well, which is why I decided to continue working during chemo.  I’d like you to keep that firm in your mind and don’t get concerned w/”chemo brain” because that will do you no good.  It is good, however, to be aware of how it affected me so that IF it does happen to you in the same way, you don’t sit and wonder “is this normal?”  It’s just a SE, and one to be handled if it comes up.  I was not worried about it in the least, to be honest.  I thought “a little forgetful” is easy enough to handle…I obviously was not well prepared or knowledgeable of how bad it could actually be; hence my frightened feelings.

SchoolCounselor – Not knowing how chemo was going to affect me, I really wanted to keep working full-time thru this phase…but don’t think that will be possible – or fair to my employer.  But I’m finding that my experience w/”chemo brain” is not necessarily uncommon; I just had the wrong impression of it (obviously!).  I have been reassured by a friend who had BC a couple years back and does similar work that she too was affected like I was.  I’m assuming when I hear from my MO tomorrow that she will say the same thing. 

Yes – we will get thru this.  Maybe not as easily as we had hoped….but we will get thru!

TeamKim – You know, if it gets better the 2^nd week…that does not really bode well for me since I am dose dense.  I might get a couple days of feeling normal but then I’m right back in for my next therapy.  I pray I won’t be affected the same way w/this coming weeks chemo and will keep a positive attitude as best I can. 

Would be nice if we were alerted to the fever issue w/Nuelasta, don’t you agree?  I mean, if it is common enough, why not tell us so we don’t start wondering if we’ve picked up an infection somehow when we begin to see the fever?  Sometimes I just don’t understand why as patients we are not told some things…and I hate it when I hear someone say “well, they probably didn’t want to worry you”!

VintageGal – it did help to get it out.  It embarrasses me, which I know is stupid, but it does nonetheless.  But just getting it out there and having heard back that I’m not alone in how I felt (from here and other friends/family) really did help. 

JenSF – I have not explored short term disability nor is it something I have available to me (from what I looked into the last couple days).  I am going to look into federal disability…I need to focus on me right now and can’t be feeling guilty about calling in sick when I’m not in my right mind to actually be working. 

JenH8 – funny you brought up the whole period thing.  I, too, started what I thought was a period the day after chemo.  I’ve been very irregular for years; being peri-menapausal for about 5 years now.  Well, it turned out to be just spotting…but it still has not stopped.  Still spotting 10 days post chemo which I find most annoying!  And I see, after your post, that I certainly am not alone.  I’ve not bothered discussing this w/PCP or MO since I figured it was an SE of chemo but am going to bring it up w/MO on Thurs at my next chemo.  She had told me that, in her opinion, after 2 chemo’s I was likely going to be thrown into complete menopause…I hope she’s right.  It would be nice to have that added benefit if each chemo is going to make me feel as poorly as the first.  We will see…

TeamKim

JennH8 -- I was out and about, and teaching my college classes for a week after losing my hair. I felt most self conscious the one day I wore my wig. Funny, but I feel like "the looks" were more sympathetic when I was in my hats and I felt a little more secure with who I am. The wig felt like I was pretending to have hair, but looking in the mirror it obviously didn't look like real hair, so my pretending was substandard. As much as I told myself not to judge myself, I still felt self conscious all day. (Lol -- oh the way our brains can bend us around, right?). I have tried a couple of scarves/head wraps on in the morning, but haven't ventured out in them yet -- probably because they don't seem to match the style of my clothes, so they look a little ostentatious. I don't have tons of money to buy a bunch of new clothes (plus no energy to shop anyway) so I think my hats will be getting a workout.

LiLi -- maybe if you don't rebound quickly enough, your MO will revise your treatment schedule. I have seen a couple of women on these boards who talked about that. I am sorry if my comment about second week being better was insensitive -- I didn't realize you are on dose dense. And yes, I am one who would like to have all the potential side effects, at least in a handout, so that I don't scare myself when I experience something that is not on the warnings list. That said, however, I think it is complex. Though my MO said my fever was "probably" due to the Neulasta, he still prescribed the Motrin with a wait and see what happens proviso.... I thInk with all the drugs we have in our systems plus the risk of infection, there are so many possible causes that it is probably a bit of an individual puzzle to work out.

For all of you struggling with chemo brain, get this.... I am a professor, and one of my classes submitted term papers last week. I thought I would make some good use of the time over "chemo weekend" to grade them. I made up a rubric to use to try and make it easier. So (struggling along, but determined) I have graded 10 of the 30 papers so far, and all of them were getting really low grades. Just looked at my rubric and I totally messed up the arithmetic of the scoring! So I have to go back, make a whole new rubric, and start over! I just threw the whole bunch of papers on the floor in exasperation -- DH thinks I have flipped out and he went outside to mow the lawn! Lol!

JennH8

Glad to hear I'm not alone on the period front. It's just so annoying. I'd rather have it just stop through this whole thing.

So went out to dinner with my friend last night. I was nervous but figured might as well jump in with both feet. Everything went fine. I really didn't notice a lot of stares but was trying NOT to notice if that makes sense. Anyway, we had a nice time and another friend ended up joining us as well. I feel very lucky to have the support I do with family and friends and that they'll accept me no hair and all.

Doglover - I have found that although we may have similar symptoms with chemo, how hard they hit really does differ in every individual and every chemo treatment as well. As far as the fatigue goes, I don't think I felt myself until about 2 weeks after my treatment. After the first week, I felt better but still had that lingering fatigue. I did work my full shift through it all as well. I work from home so that helped but it was still tough. This time around I told my boss, I'm cutting it down to part time and taking day 3 post chemo because that seemed to be the day when it hit me the hardest. I'd say don't push it. Let your body rest as much as you can.

Spiritblessings - My naturopath told me to stay away from products with parabens. I switched my deodorant over to one called Crystal. It's kind of weird and I wasn't sure I was even using it right at first but I've found it works great! When I used normal deodorant, I would also have a bit of a smell by the end of the day and no way could I skip a day. With this, I literally have no underarm odor at all! I love it.

JennH8

TeamKim - As far as headscarves go, I have found bandanas actually work the best, at least for me. You don't have all that extra material hanging down, etc. I was able to find some in solid colors at our local fabric store, Joann's, for $2 a piece. I've heard they have them at Michael's too. As far as getting some to match your clothes, I was concerned about the same thing as well. Plus, I wanted some that looked a little nicer in case we ever decided to go out or something. I thought how easy would it be to just pick out the fabric you like, have them cut it down to size and then mend the ends so they don't fray. That way you can get what you want. If you're not someone who sews or don't know anyone who does, a friend told me about some type of fabric tape you can iron on the ends.

LiLi1964

TeamKim – I did not find your comment insensitive at all!  Please don’t think that – you were being helpful, I knew.  And I also knew you likely were not aware I was dose dense.

I don’t know that they will want to change my chemo.  I was past 11 weeks post surgery before finally getting started (delayed 3 times w/an additional surgery thrown in for good measure!) and I’m Triple Negative.  My MO made it very clear the first time we met that working may be a problem.  She explained MANY woman find they either cannot work or can only work on a very limited basis.  She was all for my trying to work full-time but I’m pretty sure she’s going to want to keep to my chemo regimen and suggest taking time off work during this period.

So sorry you're grading needs to be redone.  How frustrating, isn’t it?  Glad your husband had an “escape”!

wrenn

i'm surprised at how few pity parties happen here and i think we sure deserve them. So good to know we aren't alone. It is hard to get family to be straightforwrd. It is all to scary for them and they want to protect. I have 4 sisters and i think they wonder if they are next.

Go ahead and wallow debd. You are entitled. At least the rain stopped. Xo

TeamKim

You are entitled, DebDylan -- we all are. And somehow taking some time for a pity party helps us to emerge stronger to fight again. These txs are so hard that if life were fair it should innoculate us against any disease ever for as long as we live!!! I decided (pardon my implied language) f--- the grading papers, I am going to go get some frozen yogurt (since a morning cocktail would not be advisable under the circumstances). But, just as I was about to leave to walk to the yogurt shop, the abdominal cramps started (haven't had those yet in this go round...but from last time I know not to leave the house til they calm down). So my walk and yogurt is on hold for the time being.... Another act of rebellion thwarted by BC...

wrenn

there should be frozen yogurt delivery. I agree you should f$@& the grading. I hope the cramps subside soon.

Annecy

Good morning Chemo Sisters- It appears that not too many of us were spared from SEs from our TXs this month. Getting myself psychologically prepare for the next round Friday , Nov 8. Hoping & praying that I will manage the SEs more effectively this time and be more proactive .

Tipps04- A booklet given to me by the Cancer Clinic . One of the chapter contains : Safety precautions during Chemotherapy as it takes a few days for our bodies to get rid of the drugs. Once this waste is outside of our bodies, it can be harmful to other people. Tips : Flush the toilet twice with the lid down after using it. Wear waterproof, throw-away gloves when cleaning up any body fluids. Sending positive thoughts for your next Tx on Wed.

maltomlin- Thank you for your encouraging words.

teamkim- Pls keep monitoring your temperature closely as my MO kept reminding me that fever over 38C /100F is a concern.

kittykate78- thank you for your recommendations with the Aveda products. After only 1 Tx, my skin is getting very dry as well , cannot even imagine what it would be like following 3 more rounds.

Jen SF- how did your shaving apt go yesterday? Something that I have to contemplate doing in the next day or so....

SpecialK

LiLi - are you referring to SSDI federal disability? I was not able to work through chemo as I had five surgeries in the time between BMX and start of chemo. Also, for me, dealing with decision making regarding patients was not something I felt comfortable with at that point, I would have never forgiven myself if I hurt someone through an error I made - sleep deprived, uncomfortable, with intermittent nausea, wearing a wig, gloves and a lab coat on top of scrubs with hot flashes, let alone working in a biohazardous environment was not feasible. I was fortunate to have self-elected short term disab which ran concurrent with FMLA, then company-sponsored long term disab that ran with an ADA accommodation (I was out of work from Halloween until the following July 1st). On the question of neuropenic /Neulasta fever - it is pretty much a case of timing - a Neulasta related fever would come closer to the chemo infusion/injection timing. The nadir for WBC after chemo is usually day 7-9, so a neutropenic fever usually comes a longer time after your infusion. Of course, there are exceptions to this, and any fever needs to be investigated by your MO if it exceeds the temperature threshold at any time in the process. If your counts are cumulatively low from tx to tx a neutropenic fever could come at an off time. This is basically why the fever temp cut-off of 100.5, anything below that they are not particularly concerned, anything above that is a concern, regardless of the cause.

Pam358

DebDylan - Thanks for the invitation to the party! I'm sure we will all stop by at some point.

LiLi1964

Hey Deb - I'm joining in the party.....hope you're doing OK today.

SpecialK - no company sponsored disability, no FMLA (work for company under 50 employees), no personal disability (tried 15 years ago and was denied due to back issues and told not to try again - no company would insure me).  Any suggestions?  Any help you might be able to offer would be welcome.