April 2013 Chemo Group

AllieM

Just a quick note as I have to get to work eventually..

Jen (and all), thank you for venting. It helps the rest of us not feel bad when we do it.

For those who's kids are less than supportive/sympathetic - I think they just can't deal with it. The thought of mom being weak or maybe not being there at all some day is just too much to take so they are gonna ignore it. That's what my sons did at first, but gradually they are coming around. They've actually started communicating with eachother about how I am doing and what they need to do for me, which is really a biggie since they don't like eachother most of the time. I'm thinking the turning point may have been when my son went to chemo with me and see what I have to go through....or maybe it was when I sat them on the couch like when they were 5 and told them "Listen guys, I need help and its about time y'all grow up and act like men".

Hope everyone has a GOOD day today! 

Pattysmiles

Pugmom5, Teenagers by nature are self centered (there are books written about it).

I got mine alone in the car the other day (coming from him getting braces) and asked him point blank how he was doing with everything and if he had any questions. I have been open about everything, positive about everything and I crack jokes and laugh at myself.

He told me he knows there are people that can only complain and he is very happy I'm not one of them and that all I have told him has been very helpful.

Maybe try getting your girls alone and chat ?

Yes,I think they can be scared, but I also think they are being "typical" teenagers...it's all about them! I wish you the best with this.



Katie

I'm sure the bedroom has changed for a lot of us, if not all of us.

Personally my breasts were my biggest "help" during sex. So there has been a big change now, and I'm not satisfied (in more ways than one). I did notice there is a "shop now" feature at the top of this page and there is a website for "toys" that I just might consider. I know it wouldn't disappoint my husband. Never anything I needed in the past personally, wasn't against it, just didn't feel it was necessary. Maybe think of some new things to assist with intimacy!

Maybe a nice camisole that is silky, look sexy, feel sexy and hide the scars?

You have a lot on your plate. There is no right or wrong with what you choose to do, you need to do what makes you comfortable.

Continue to be open with your hubby using phrases like I'm uncomfortable with....or i like it when we.....Im worried about.....always making it anout you. He will want to do his best to help you out. Don't use thinks like "I don't like when YOU" , or "you don't" etc, it will shut him down and put him on the defensive.

Thank you for sharing such intimate details, I know it's not easy.

Pat

6cats

BeHereNow -- How my heart breaks for you... Although I have a much easier time than you (no BMX, no leukemia, etc), I understand those feelings of not feeling beautiful or sexual. My husband has a huge fear of being alone... I worry that all he sees is a walking time bomb when he looks at me.

But, I've been through menopause -- The dryness is easily dealt with... our favorite is Astroglide (No I don't own stock in the company, but probably should!). I keep a bottle in my bathroom drawer because it helps me to not feel as "scratchy" down there. Make sure you are lubricating well on the inside near the urethra before sex, otherwise you can get irritated and feel like you have either a bladder or yeast infection. (It helps if I do this, cuz hubby can't lube the right spot)

My biggest challenge in menopause is the change in desire. Although I love my husband deeply, and want to be with him, I just don't think about sex much. And when I do, my body doesn't prep itself very well. I've had to learn to "schedule" sex (in my head, not on a calendar, and definitely not telling DH!). I know that sounds wierd, but at least then my DH isn't waiting for me to be initiating/encouraging something that I don't think much about.

The body image stuff I struggle with daily, I'm spending more time on make-up, accessories, etc than I ever did before. I'm so aware of the scars on my body (different from yours, but scars nonetheless). Although logically I know that beauty is definitely more than skin deep... emotionally I haven't caught up to that. I'm thinking about this weekend going to bed in a sexy nighty, that doesn't have to come off... maybe that will help sync up my brain and my emotions.

Sorry, this may be TMI... but I want you to know you aren't alone in the struggle to be a sexy woman in the midst of all the changes in your life. Take it one step at a time. You are here, now... you don't know what the future holds, but you have a man who loves you.

MsPharoah

Dear Katie,



Your sign off says it all for me. I bought a t shirt with F@ck cancer, but at 63, I don't have the nerve to wear it. Not yet.



I thought about your family issues and wondered how my son and daughter would have responded if they were teenagers. Just will never know that, but they have been great. My daughter calls me every day...sometimes more and is very involved in my treatment, maybe a little too much. My son calls way more often now,and always on treatment day. I guess what I am saying is that it gets better with kids. And when they are young, they just can't understand about sickness, they are immortal. About the husband/card thing....I can relate...but I quickly got used to the idea that my husband was not going to remember special days. This mothers day, I bought myself 3 pairs of shoes and showed my gift to my husband with a big thank you and a smooch. Lol.



So on a serious note, I wanted to say that despite the bittersweet, you and your husband are cuddling and that is important to keep doing. It will take time to figure out what to do with all the body parts, right? But regarding your fears about menopause, I went through it naturally some years ago and it wasn't that bad for me. My husband thought I was a bit testy, but he still thinks I am a pain in the neck. Ha. There were definitely changes in our sex life, but thank god for lubricants and to be honest with you...your husband will also go through changes. Together you will find your way..keep cuddling and if you want to cry,cry.



Hugs, Sandra

BeHereNow

Pat, Lynn, and Sandra... My tears are flowing again, but this time because of your kindness in sharing this personal information and being so encouraging. I really can't express how validating and loving your expressions feel to me. And the details you mentioned were really helpful to hear. I don't talk about this stuff with my friends, but I can see it would be good to do that.



I go to an "art for wellness" cancer class tomorrow. I have a feeling I'll know what's going to be guiding my creation. I have found those classes really powerful, which surprised me.



Thanks from the bottom of my heart </p>

Pattysmiles

Katie,

Growing up sex was a taboo topic in my house. "The talk" lasted 3 minutes, if that. (my children will hear more from me on that topic!)

I still do not talk"sex" with my friends, and never will, they know enough about me otherwise!

It is far eaiser to "discuss" this here, anonymous if you will!

It is validating to know that we all face these issues. I'm sure the people have a better understanding, having been there, done that, or going through it now.

You brought up an important topic, and many will benefit, myself included. Im going out to buy stock in astroglide! Lol

Pat

indenial

Oh Katie! You have every right to feel robbed. I HATE cancer. I hate what it has already done and what it is doing now to the people I care so much about, and that includes you. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with, for your husband's illness, and his losses... I can't imagine how much more that complicatest things, emotionally & practically. 

I am worried about early menopause too... Being only 30 means we weren't prepared for this AT ALL, I mean we knew we struggled with fertility but everything else that goes along with menopause wasn't remotely on our radar. And this may get to be TMI so I hope I don't offend anyone but... we have not had sex since my diagnosis. Not even once. It's not because we don't want to, but because we are opposed to any kind of birth control (it's against closely-held religious beliefs) and obviously need to avoid conceiving during treatment, and also during Tamoxifen. So we are looking at 5-10 years of no sex!!! I was not ready for this! And it's hard to find any other kind of intimacy when I'm still terrified about BC and adjusting to my bald, breastless body and worried about whether we'll ever be "normal" again and maybe once I'm finally done with Tamoxifen I will be starting "real" menopause if chemopause isn't permanent... my mind is spinning. My husband will touch my flat chest. I am glad but sometimes I feel like he's trying too hard, that he's not really OK with all this but just wants to make me feel OK & beautiful even though I don't totally feel that way and I'm not sure he believes it himself. Ugh... I have no real suggestions (aside from open communication with him) but I can understand a bit what you may be feeling.

heather214

WOW, a lot of crap going on, so sorry everyone!

Jen: sounds like you are being challenged big-time! My thoughts go out to you and hope they improve!

Indenial: I am with you, the longer chemo goes on, the harder physically it is becoming. Just know we are there with you and I hope you find some hidden energy. Be kind to yourself!

Pugmom: I am dealing with the same thing with my 16 year old daughter. Her therapist says this is a normal coping mechanism for teens, but I know firsthand it does not hurt any less. Try to remember, like us, they are trying their very best to find a way to cope - and sometimes that is "pretending" this is not happening. We go to therapy together, and that is where I get to see her true feelings: to see her cry and admit she is very scared I will die. THAT is gut-wrenching. Maybe some family therapy would be helpful for you too? (((HUGS)))

Beherenow: AHHH, you had to go ahead and make me cry, on a WEDNESDAY no less . I am no longer married, but I can imagine how difficult it must be. I can't fathom dating and mentioning, "By the way, I still have an order in for 2 breasts. Mine were stolen". LOL. I think it is so important that we keep reminding ourselves that we are still the women we started out as, with a few tweaks. Because I am one of the few who still haven't had mine removed, I am still mourning the upcoming loss myself. Hopefully, you guys can keep communicating, that is so important. You are an amazing woman, and ##%^^&&((!!! breast cancer does not change that!

OK, THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

heather214

Just for a little chuckle.. Think of the possibilities to end the housing crisis?

BeHereNow

Indenial, when you said this:



"My husband will touch my flat chest. I am glad but sometimes I feel like he's trying too hard, that he's not really OK with all this but just wants to make me feel OK & beautiful even though I don't totally feel that way and I'm not sure he believes it himself. Ugh... I have no real suggestions (aside from open communication with him) but I can understand a bit what you may be feeling."



I felt like you were repeating the exact words I was thinking last night! Well put, and thank you for sharing that.



Heather, thanks. And I love your quotes and cartoons! I laughed out loud at the little birds. I've been trying to figure out what to do with my padded 36C bras....

Jen987

Oh ladies this cancer sucks in so many ways. I just want to scream. I'm so thankful that we have this place because unless you've been through it it's hard to relate. My best friend had breast cancer 4 years ago at the age of forty. It was a very rough road for her. But I am thankful I have someone to talk to who has walked in my shoes and understands completely. We will get through this bump in the road although it won't be easy.

Jen987

My week got worse. While on my way to work someone rear ended me at a stop light. Luckily I only got minor whiplash and my lower back is a little soar. The police came, took our info and called an ambulance for me. Not what I wanted but I guess they had too since I felt achy and my head was pounding. Once they left I was on my merry way to work in tears. Who knows where they came from. Stopped at Krogers on my way home where I was asked by a nice lady if I wanted a sample of some shampoo they were promoting. I kindly said no thank you and laughed to myself, good grief I'm bald and haven't used shampoo in a month. Made the mistake of weighing myself and I've gained 5 pounds, thank you steroids. I'm surprised my husband isn't running for the hills screaming. Hell, I don't even want to see myself naked. Needless to say a big glass of wine is calling my name tonight.

BeHereNow

Sorry, Jen. That's the last thing you needed! I hope you can relax this evening, rest well, and have a much better day tomorrow!

Pattysmiles

Wine, yes, that sound great! Thanks Jen...I love the suggestions on this board to make us feel better!

Hope you aren't too sore tomorrow and your car is fixed soon!

Pat

MsPharoah

In denial...you made me cry so hard...and reminded me of another reason I hate cancer.  I am a 63 year old woman (the average age of a breast cancer diagnosis, believe it or not) and it makes me angry and sad that a young beautiful woman like yourself has to deal with this sh*t.  I hope you find the loving embrace of your husband, family, friends and your god comforting.  If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

And Jen987..you deserve some wine tonight.  Funny story, I picked my oncologist because she told me it would be OK to have a glass of red wine every night...she forgot to tell me that it would taste like spit...Smart doc.

daffyc

Hi ladies.  4th AC dose dense (and hopefully last!) tomorrow.  PETscan to follow.  If all is deemed well, then 4 cycles of Taxol.  I'm dreading the next few yucky days, but am also glad it will be another step checked off in this process.

My dad was diagnosed with Leukemia (AML) in November.  He was doing great and went into remission for a couple months, but found out a few weeks ago that he is no longer.  I should have known better, but we were so relieved he was in remission that I lost sight of how fast cancer can strike and strike again.  It sucks living so far from my family.  I feel like I should be there for my dad and mom, they want to be here for me.  Grrr!!!!!

I'm struggling with intimacy as well.  And I think DH and I could really use some sex LOL!  I'm feeling uncomfortable with my baldness and just being emotionally that close to him.  We did have sex after dx, but not since chemo has started.  <sigh>

daffyc

If you are pre menopausal, have the hot flashes started?  I was supposed to get my period a week ago, but haven't yet.  (I did have my period between my first 2 AC cycles).  Anyways, no hot flashes yet.  My MO said if the AC didn't knock me into chemopause, Taxol likely would.  Maybe I'm just late or it could be the start of chemopause.

kirklandgal

I don't post often but I thought I'd chime in.

Hair Loss with little kids - I wanted to put this out there since it was very helpful with my 7 year old girl.  She was really worried about my hair loss.  So, after I had it buzzed we went to the Party store which had wigs in every color for $13.  We had a try on session which she totally enjoyed.  We ended up buying 4 colors and I told her I would wear whichever one she wanted to each of he T-Ball games.  So far I have had pink, purple, and bright yellow hair (rainbow will likely be soon!)  Now she thinks it is FUN. 

My 9 year old is reacting differently - he just wants me to look normal.  So I wear a more expensive natural brown wig to drop him off at school and hats while I am home.  The couple of times he saw me bald, he was able to articulate that he doesn't want to remember me without hair so that when this is all over he can pretend it never happened - so I try to wear hats for him.  Every child is different!

Hair Loss - Thankfully I no longer need to have electrolysis on my chin - yeah!  One of the benefits of chemo.  The hair on my legs is so sparse I haven't shaved in over a month.  I also still have about 20% of the hair on my head which looks funny since it's so patchy and shaved short.  Has anyone reached smooth bald yet?  I think I will look better then!

Vaginal Dryness - I asked my onc about this since so many people in my support group complain about it.  Many of them have started VagiFem for it.  My onc was fine with my starting it during chemo (she said as long as I wasn't having periods anymore it was okay).  I am hoping it will prevent the dryness before it happens.  That being said, I'm not even in a relationship so I won't know how helpful it really is for now!

Jen - That's awful about your son - I hope he heals quickly!  Sounds like you have a lot going on all at once.  My thoughts are with you.  Things will get better!

Heather - Yeah for the negative BRCA test!!!!!

Neuropathy - I LOVE my oncologist!!!! I have had increasing peripheraly neuropathy with my first two infusions - mild after number one becoming severe after number 2.  I also have abnormal liver function since my first infusion (ALT ranged between 109 and 123 since second infusion).  I was on Carboplatin and Taxotere which can both cause neuropathy.  So, my once switched me to Cytoxan and Taxotere which I had today - if my neuropathy gets worse we will blame it on the Taxotere and switch to another regimen, if not we will continue which Tax/Cytoxan and blame it on the Carbo.  Hopefully the liver problem is from the Carbo too! I LOVE my onc!! I love that she listens and is going to adjust based on how I'm doing!  Just wanted to say that since I am sooooo worried about this neuropathy!

Avatar - I am putting up an avatar from my infusion today.  Notice the hands in ice filled ziploc bags and feet in an ice filled cooler!

AmyJax

BeHereNow et al - I honestly can't remember if we had sex after my diagnosis.....but certainly not since a few weeks before surgery. And like someone else mentioned, even before it all happened, sex might have been something I began to mentally schedule....I plan on working on that more when I get through this, but some how I've totally set it aside for now. We hold hands and share caring touches but only just recently have I begun to think about engaging in some type of sex. Seriously, my foobs are not attractive naked, my chest aches constantly from the expanders, all that skin is completely numb, I'm definitely limited in comfortable horizontal positions.....BUT part of me just wants to do something nice and truly loving for DH because he's been so supportive and kind, and even though I know intellectually that cancer is nobody's fault, I feel guilty that he's had to go through this. This isn't what any spouse signs up for......



Maybe sex is just another thing we have to "keep the faith" on throughout this journey.

PamelaKay

OK, everyone, I am hereby recommending a chocolate feast (for me, it's sugarless chocolate) to help get us through the Chemo Doldrums. I have declared the next 3 months All-You-Can-Eat-Chocolate-During-Chemo time for me. Just ordered 2 cases of chocolate bars (love the Coco Polo Stevia Sweetened!) to get me through.

Whether it's a weekly great big bouquet of flowers, new shoes, or chocolate, if there was ever a time we needed to do something special to keep spirits up, this is it!

Jen: Good Golly!! What a terrible concatenation of experiences for you. I hope the rest of the week improves. 

Heather: Wonderful to  hear about the BRCA results. 

For those with shortness of breath, here is a worksheet (someone else here posted this a while ago) that has a detailed list of symptoms that tells you when to call the doctor. It says if you have shortness of breath with a normal level of activity or at rest, call the doc. 

BeHereNow, taking Ativan at night before bed helps me sleep and helps with anxiety. My MO also prescribed Cipro, but I haven't used it yet, as the Ativan works well enough on its own. 

Dealing with teens: I have 16 and 22 year-old sons. They have both been fairly quiet about the cancer. I think this is because they really don't know how to respond. My older son talks to me about it when he sees I am down. The teen has not said much. I know they are both very aware and concerned, even though they don't talk much about it. I look for the little things (recently my younger son wrote the most amazing thing I have ever seen him write for his creative writing class; completely different from his usual writing and very touching. Nothing directly about cancer, but so stunning I have to think he was doing some heavy duty mental processing). The average teenager is such a bundle of raging hormones, I think they hardly know which end is up. I occasionally take time to check in with them and ask if they have any questions or want to talk. Then it is up to them. Mostly, I think they want to be reassured that I will be OK and nothing will change too drastically. 

PugMom, I think it is a great idea to see a counselor to work through how you feel about your girls. Getting a fresh perspective may help you decide how to proceed.

Deep breath here. 

Body image and our DH. This is a huge topic. My response to this whole experience has surprised me in many ways. Today, I was outside puttering around when a stranger unexpectedly drove up our driveway (we live in a rural area) I had on a regular shirt, but no scarf or jacket to disguise the lopsidedness. I found myself clutching the mail I had just picked up to hide the missing part. Before that, I hadn't even thought about how I looked. It still surprises me that I care what a stranger thinks when he looks at my body.

It strikes me that a lot of the BC experience involves diminishment, fear, and loss. We lose our sense of security, all or part of our breasts, our hair, and our sense of what it means to be ourselves. We are confronted with our mortality in a way we never were before. This is a huge thing to process and work through, and it will take time and dedicated effort to do so. But know this: no matter how diminished we are, no matter the loss or fear we experience, we still have the same spirit inside to guide us, the same foundations we have based our lives on are still there underneath. 

We are called on to seek out and develop our deeper strengths, to find new paths through unknown territory. It will never be easy, and we may stumble many times, but we still have our integrity, and nothing can take that away.

BeHereNow, you have been through so many challenges. What carried you through before is still there, if a bit battered and bruised right now. My DH has made his priority here clear: me alive and well. My body is a different place than it was before, with many changes to come. I will deal with the changes as best I can, one at a time. With time, we as a couple will come to terms with and adapt to this new reality. Cancer can diminish me, and it can scare me, but it can never make me a different person. 

OK. Enough of that. Now, go get some chocolate and chase away those chemo doldrums.

Rosina0015

Thanks PamelaKay for the chart.



I wish I'd seen it sooner I wouldn't of freaked out when my doc told me to go to the ER. I was such a cry baby in the ER. Complete water works, I was scared. I had my 4 yr old home with me and felt like i may pass out, i was getting dizzy. Thats the worst feeling - what if i pass out and he's alone?? My cousin took me to ER where DH met us and her hUsband cared for our lil guy.



They checked me for a blood clot and prenemonia. Both negative. Had my first CT scan ever - that was interesting experience as I was horrified and thought I peed my pants. I had a shortness of breath, low grade fever, high WBC, high pulse, dry cough - so they admitted me to the hospital for "observation" and put me on amoxicillin. Doc says he thinks I have a sinus infection. I do feel better but still a lil winded. Hoping this doesn't delay my next treatment.



I finished my last AC treatment last week and will start 4 DD Taxol treatments next week. Halfway there. Yay! Trying to chin up.



I'm hoping all of you are having a night of no or little SE's.

6cats

PamelaKay, I couldn't have summed up the past posts any better.... ditto

Today is Day 21, I'm off to #3 of four AC. Then on to weekly Taxol with Herceptin for 12 weeks (yipes!) I'm going to ask my MO about DD Taxol today.

As far as SE go:

AC#1 -- severe headache for days, mild nausea, cracks in both corners of mouth, mouth sores and daily, multiple diarrhea. Clipped my hair on Day 10 as I was loosing longer layers which was leaving me with short gray layers. Stubble started falling out on Day 13.

AC#2 -- severe headache (but for a shorter period of time), constant fatigue, mild nausea, cracks in alternating corners of mouth (but no mouth sores) and constipation. Had more depression with this round. Also with the second dose I had severe radiation recall, with blistering and bleeding. Chin hair is gone, still have some moustache, lost most of the outer half of eyebrows, head has patches of totally bald (but hair isn't growing), still have to "spot shave" my legs, but pits are smooth.

I changed my diet, reducing amount of milk products (or taking lactaid), and increasing carbs like pasta, so that may have affected my intestinal difficulties. I also have avoided salads, as they can cause diarrhea. The diet change may be the cause of the constipation.

Thought I'd try to get this all in one place... I'll try to add to it before my 4th (and last) AC.

Jen987

6cats - Just curious if you are taking Zofran? I had a migraine headache after chemo #1 that landed me in the E.R. twice. My MO said that Zofran can cause headaches so I didn't take it after round #2 or #3. I didn't get a headache. I also changed to Neupogen instead of Neulasta in case that could've been the problem too. I used Compazine for nausea instead which I only used maybe 4 total.

heather214

Morning (for some) everyone! Hoping everyone is OK today!

Not much going on today, just a few random questions.

Has anyone experience vision problems while on chemo? I am and it is frustrating. I figured out one of the medications was worsening it (Compazine) but my Opthamologist says this is common with chemo, though (according to him) not permanent. I am now using several eye drops.

Also, anyone else not lose their eyebrows and eyelashes? I thought I was lucky, but read a thread today that those usually go when chemo is FINISHED?! That sucks, how can that be if true? Geesshh.

I have gained 8 pounds since chemo started, and I hate it. Thought with all the nausea I was going to lose weight. Hoping to lose it - maybe when chemo is done.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Rosina0015

Heather214 - yes!! I thought the vision thing was just me. I was thinking my allergies were messing with my contacts. I haven't used Compazine at all. But what exactly are you experiencing? For me a little blurred vision - like double vision. Did your doc give u prescription eye drops?

Jen987

Now it looks like my eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning. Ugh. Those were the two things that didn't make me look like a chemo patient. I have been noticing I look more and more tired lately. Anyone else notice any thinning yet? I've heard that we'll probably completely lose them after chemo ends. Oh goody.

Pattysmiles

Pamelakay- well put!



I attended the Look Good Feel Better workshop. (LGFB) http://lookgoodfeelbetter.org/

They give a free makeup kit and show you now to use it. They also offer free wigs (or send you to the "wig bank" for a free wig).



I am now committing myself to wear makeup. I am an "all natural" kind of girl, but, what the hell, breast cancer isn't me, so why not try and make myself up to go with the new head wraps, wigs, etc!



I am also committing to get my nails done. Once a week, I AM worth it.



As for the chocolate thing...I decided to eat Girl .scout cookies prior to chemo to "treat myself". I should have applied the boxes directly to my hips! Lol. But I DID enjoy them.

During chemo, fornthe first week I went for chocolate shakes at McDonalds...a big no no in my book, but I TOTALLY ENJOYED them, and the weight I gained from that AND the carvel thn mint avalanche (or whatever that sundae is) was worth it at the time.



Find the thing that will bring you joy and do it. We all need to feel good about SOMETHING. Though I am thinking I am giving up the food aspect as I will likely be pissed I'm putting on weight! Lol. So NAILS it is!



Pat

MsPharoah

Hello all and good morning. Working from home today because this is day 3 after 3rd round of TC. So tired today, so we will call it working...just the basics. I just realized that my surgical follow up is the 3rd day after my 4th chemo, so thinking about changing that. I don't think I could even change into a gown without help. Tomorrow should be better and then get better after that. If I only have 1 or 2 days of yucky, I can deal with it.



I wear glasses, not contacts and have noticed that my eyes water all the time. If you wear contacts or not, that might affect your vision. I haven't done anything about it as my vision seems fine so only annoying so far.



I have also heard that the eyebrows and eyelashes fall out after chemo..but have read that they grow back faster than the hair on the head. Mine are thinning, but I can still see them. I used to pluck my brows, but now I am keeping every fuzzy, scruffy one I have.



I am thankful to be halfway thru and no serious se yet. I wish you all a happy, se free day.



Sandra

indenial

Vision - the couple of times I took Compazine I did notice my vision was a bit blurry/strained. And a couple of other times I had some minor blurriness but figured it was just dry eyes plus allergies. I wear glasses and most days I can see just fine so I'm not really worried about it. 

Eyebrows & eyelashes - I started losing them almost immediately after round 1 so they are A LOT thinner, but only noticable to me since a lot of them are still there. One eyebrow is missing most of the outer edge though. I guess glasses are coming in handy disguising it!

I'm still surprised how much hair I have overall actually. I'm not totally bare anywhere, super thin up top (and wearing it shaved) and minimal armpit & pubic hair but still have tons of leg hair & haven't lost any hair elsewhere (like the fine hair on my arms & chest). 

I had round 3 yesterday... the good news is that the allergic reaction I had doesn't seem to be from the Taxotere. So that's a relief! Probably was due to the other med I was taking for heavy bleeding (my period finally stopped after 22 days, yay!) Infusion was otherwise not too eventful... I got my favorite roommate, and she requested that we share a room next time for my last infusion so we can celebrate together. So sweet. She has been having chemo weekly for a long time & probably will never be "done" but has such a great attitude & cracks me up!! I had some issues with vital signs, of all things. At the beginning my heart rate was really high & erratic. The med assistant was freaking out but my nurse just said, "Oh, don't worry, she's always like that." Umm... this nurse has only met me once! So I'm not sure how she knows that and I wasn't very reassured. They ended up starting the infusion anyway (not sure the point of taking vitals if they are just going to do the infusion no matter what) and I ended up privately having a bit of a panic attack for a while but once the Benadryl kicked in I calmed down. Then at the end I had 1 minute left of Cytoxan and they decided to take my blood pressure before removing the IV for some reason (on the same arm, just about the IV site). OW it hurt so much!! They were scrambling to find the Stop button but couldn't find it so I ripped the cuff off! Next time I will insist they remove the IV before doing vitals!

Definitely feeling this round a bit more, tired & achy & crampy... also forgot to take my morning colace before infusion and apparently that dose is crucial, first time I've gotten stopped up since starting chemo. Oops. Also having high anxiety still. I'm mostly camping out on the couch today & every time I get up my heart rate shoots up & I get a little short of breath and lightheaded. Not to a worrisome degree but enough to feed my anxiety even more. UGH. I am very tempted to ask for a prescription for Ativan or something but I spent so much of my life on anxiety meds that I'm reluctant to depend on them anymore and worried about withdrawal and stuff. But I'm kind of miserable feeling like this. Also feel like I need a really good cry but every time tears start to well up I just can't seem to let myself really cry. 

Just have to get through the weekend & remember I'll probably be on the upswing (especially mentally) by Monday. Oh man now I really want to cry.

Pugmom5

Thank you all for the advice on dealing with teenagers. It made me realize that they have been doing more to help me, it's just the never asking me how I'm doing. I know they're scared and under normal circumstances not the most emotive or affectionate bunch, but I hindsight they've been stepping up. I like the idea of sitting them down and telling them exactly what I need from them and I also still plan on calling the social worker.



BeHereNow - I'm so glad you brought up the subject of intimacy. I feel really bad about it even though my husband has been understanding and wonderful. I also haven't talked to anyone about it as I don't talk about my sex life under normal circumstances so I was so grateful to see it talked about here. I had tram flap reconstruction after a bilateral mastectomy so the area from my breasts to my hips looks like a war zone and is numb! Between that and my bald head, I'm just not feeling sexy or in the mood at all.



Heather214 - thank you for a much needed and always appreciated laugh!