STFU (Shut the F*** UP)

4sewwhat

Thanks Chevy!

You are right it does hurt and does make you mad! Funny thing is I was taught to respect your elders and others and to the treat people the way you want to be treated. Too bad they don't practice what they preached!

I have done pretty good at staying away all year and offering little through my treatment. Just didn't need the stress! I know that sick to the stomach feeling well!

I have tod her how I feel. One Christmas we called and she picked another fight about how nobody cared about her. It ended with FU and I hung up on her. I have a really high tolerance for almost anything, but I can reach my limit

My dad sure knows how we feel and he used to hide out here! Don't know what happened there? But he picked being miserable over relationships with his grand kids.

She monitors his phone, email, etc. when I'm on phone it is speaker so she can hear, so dad and I can't talk anymore. She said he didn't need two wives and made him choose. So we don't talk any more. I can't help but blame him for that. He told me he is sure she is bipolar and tried to talk to her doc about it. Surprised she didn't kill him when Dr. said "your DH told me .....". Everyone else has the problems, couldnt be her!

duckyb1

4 .......stay home, that is all I will say...think of your family........stop trying to please people...learned a lot in 78 years, and one thing was .....some people you can't please.....they don't know how to be happy........if you have done your best....no guilt necessary...........

I hate xmas, but that is another story......be happy, kids remember the bad times more then the good, trust me.....I am right about that......

Stay home.....save your sanity..."hugs".........

IllinoisLady

4.....I too feel SO for you. It has been a long time ago now...........in fact, my Mom, Dad and sister are all passed on now......though my sister went at a younger age from not taking very good care of herself after getting Type 2 diabetes.

Like most people who have a decent heart and every place in their home stuffed full of hopes.....I dreamed of having a beautiful sister relationship. Became even a bit more important when my sister moved about 150 miles away......and bought enough land for my parents to put a home on it too. They paid for their house and all land improvement including power to the site, a water system, and fruit trees a plenty. They made a very pretty yard and home site.

Turns out when all said and done, my sister refused to give them the deed for the half of the land they had paid for and improved. I tell you this only so you will see that my sister was an equal opportunity artist when it came to trouncing on people. As to my part, Dh and I visited Mom and Dad as often as we could. Every time we came back from the Sierra's I would usually cry for two or three weeks. It was just my sister's whole attitude....nothing was ever quite right and nothing I ever did changed our un-sisterly situation.

Eventually at last.....I kissed Mom and Dad good-bye and Dh and I began the long drive home.....so we could both be back to work on Monday. That was one of the best drives home I ever had. I wasn't talking much, but my head was a blaze nearly with thoughts and feelings and revelations. Where did they come from ??? Later I decided my spirit guide and guardian angel must have had enough 'for' me.

I realized that day that if my sister were just an acquaintance, or even someone I had been lightly calling friend, and they did even a couple of things like my sister had done --- been the sour note 24/7 the whole time of our visit, that whatever the good Lord required of me.....I had already done in spades. There were no further changes I could make, no declarations of love, no bowing and scraping -- nothing. I had done all in my power for years to encourage the loving relationship that only I wanted. I was there for her use and abuse and I also thought something else that day. I am here glorifying my soul for my Creator. Allowing any person, even one who was family, to do things that hurt me and abused me and therefore mocked what I needed to accomplish was in no way all right any longer. The only reason that it was all right beforehand......was that I had not had all of this big epiphany until that day. After that day.....I became responsible for the things I so clearly saw.

I don't know what will work or not for you and I'm not pitching any one answer --- just saying that at that time I realized that my Creator didn't make me,and give me the breath of life for anyone, and just as much so a family member to always be destructive to my very being. It wasn't glorifying my soul to allow her or anyone to treat me like a punching bag as it were, or a rug for foot wiping. I was not made for those reasons.

So, I wrote a letter to my Mom and Dad. Told them I'd be just as faithful in visiting them as I ever had, but that from that day forward, I was not speaking to my sister unless it was absolutely necessary for some reason. And, from that moment on....that is exactly how I behaved. I told them I wished her well, but that she had no wish to contribute in any way to the relationship I had always wanted so I was saying Uncle and she could embrace herself, by herself from then on.

When my Mom died, I did un-thaw to a slight amount however; I had too. True to form.....my sister rather than dividing everything ( though at the time I wanted my Mother, not her things ) told me her intention was to fly back to California, rent a U-Haul, and come back and empty my Mom's house. Too distraught to care at the time I said fine.

My sister went back home after 9 days here and a day and a half later ( likely from the diabetes ) died in her car driving home from the Indian casino where she had been gambling all night. Ran off the road ( not one skid mark ) and ended up after the car struck a huge boulder, wedged between two trees. Took 3 hours to get her out of the car.

I think about her now and then but I never cried for this woman,that never cared one whit for me, even though we were sisters because that fact never meant a thing to her. My Dad knew she was not right and as my Dad passed first, my Mother ended up afraid of her. I guess in my view.....family are the people who love you and will go out of their way to try and bring joy and peace and comfort to your life. Who will do their best to pick you up and hold you up. It is not necessary for them to have grown up with you or shared your last name. I came to realize through the grace of a long drive home that the person I always wanted as a sister never, ever wanted me and that I was no longer under any obligation to treat her in any way, but in kind. I willingly still stand by the choice I made to divorce my sister that day long ago. For me it was the only choice I had left.

I'm sorry this is so long, but you just awakened so much in me..............and really I hadn't thought about it for a long, long time. My Mom passed away in 1998.

Lilli

Shellshine

See Quattro - I was right! Cammi and Ducky agree.

You had a challenging year, and you did Great. You deserve a nice holiday with your family. Ignore her for awhile and Be Happy!! Better yet, have your DH tell her that your doctor said you are suffering from breast cancer treatment PTSD, and that under doctor's advisement s/he wants you to not have any additional stress over the holidays, so yu are staying home instead of traveling. In fact, he can ask her to take the kids for a week after Christmas!

On 2nd thought scratch that - just stay home a have a lovely holiday.

duckyb1

Lilli.....so sad, but God Bless a You for trying, but finally realizing it was for naut.......you know I have a saing....so crude, but so true..........The sun doesn't always shine on one dogs ass..........

I am an only child, but lived with my mother and my grandmother.......I had a cousin, first grandchild, who my grandmother adored....she also lived in my grandmother's house...I was the less desirable grandaughter, and felt it every day......you did the right thing, and so glad no regrets...that is so important.......

4........you do not need the stress.....BC is enough......and I think Lilli said it all..........I see with 6 children things happening in my family, with me and my kids, and them with each other.....it happened with my husband and his family.......way to long and to involved to talk about, but have been down the path, and refuse to continue that journey......I will never make everyone happy, and I will not try any harder.......

Getting to old for the bullshit.......

4sewwhat

Thanks Lilli!

So sorry for what you went through with your sister. I don't understand how and why people treat each other the way they do, let alone family!

I guess what hurts so much and why I keep trying is because of the kids. I grew up with basically no family around. My dad is an only child and apopted at that. His parents moved to Florida when I was young and we didnt see them much. They were older too and passed away early in my life.

My mom and her mom didn't get along. She doesn't get along with her sister either. We moved away when I was 12 so she could get away from her family. We didn't see them much even before we moved. I am the oldest grandchild. My cousin just turned 40 and I wasn't even invited to the party. Needless to say as a result of everything, I am not close with my cousins either.

I never really had a relationship with my grandma either. I thought it was her fault she didn't come around. When I was old enough to figure things out we were not geographically close and it was awkward too. She used to cry on the phone to me and tell me she didn't know what was wrong with my mom or why she was treating me at way.

My brother left 20 years ago an I don't think he is ever coming back to this country. We used to be really close but a lot has happened in both our lives. I honestly don't know when or how I will ever get to see him again.

I can't do anything about it. She is a bitter, jealous person. I just hate that my kids have virtually no grandparents either. My MIL died before I met DH and my FIL died when our oldest was not quite a year old.

We adopted the older couple that lives next door though! Unfortunately the lady died of cancer. The kids were devastated. Captain Jack still looks out for them though :0) much to my parents chagrin.

Shells,

There is NO way I can have my parents take the kids. My dad himself told me years ago my moms behavior towards them was abusive. Last time two of them were there she threatened to tie my 10 year old to his chair at the dinner table to teach him better table etiquette. She didn't like the way he leaned into his plate so he didn't drop food on his lap. Sad thing is she would have done it too if he hadn't leaned back and quit eating. She thinks stuff like that is cute.

As much as its nice to get a break, I worry too much when the kids are there. The girl child is the only one I can send. She knows how to work that system and is very wise and observant for 9!

Just sad

Ok. Moving on! Anyone putting up Christmas trees this week? I always used to have a theme or color scheme. Now I am just lucky to find floor space!

IllinoisLady

No Christmas tree here. We have so many furry little waifs ( they don't know that though ) in the house it is all but impossible. The last year we had a tree......after the beautiful thing was toppled over three times from them attempting the magnificent feat of climbing to the top......my picture perfectly decorated tree look like a bomb had gone off next to it.....as we anchored it to the ceiling with fishing line. Probably wouldn't have even done that but I had too much to do to take it down then. It was really ugly tree year after that and was also the last time. We have a couple of pretty wreaths somewhat large that we now hang on a wall if the mood strikes. Out here in the woods there is no one usually but us to enjoy it...................so sometimes we don't even do that.

Basically, since I lived and in fact, ever since tx., have lived pretty well, every day is a holiday to me. I am a morning person so waking up and knowing I have another whole 24 hours to go out and try and glorify my soul still remains the biggest bonus of these my later years. I think finding out and going through cancer treatments was sort of the last lingering strands of complacency for me. I don't always to a fantastic job of living, and loving and helping myself or someone else try to make it go right.....but I'm not complacent about it. I get up wanting to and try to never forget that coasting can be done by anyone, anytime.

I just want to do way more good than bad --- no matter what I'm doing.....so it became a work in progress. So no Christmas tree....unless you count the one that is in my heart. I'll have such joy....going out and driving around to look at lights, to hear the Salvation Army bell ringers and I'll be so full of good cheer and spirit....a tree would just get in the way. I thought the stores were so early this year, but everything used to start right after Thanksgiving Day and I'm starting to anticipate all the things that make the holiday season something to enjoy.

Lilli

Holeinone

444, I love the banter, advice, support & true friendship this thread has.. I read a lot of the posts, mainly cause I love the topic STFU...I am 2 months behind you in treatment......I chose to cut ties with my mom at 19, moved 1000 miles away & basically started a new life.....I agree with Shellshine, you deserve a quiet, happy, stress free day...tell her you will make plans later, maybe Easter.....your kids have seen you in enough pain this year....moving on, my house is dusty, so I will clean tomorrow, put up Xmas stuff, no tree yet...last Taxol on Black Friday....omg...LAST chemo, I am smiling...

Di, I have been reading all your posts, good for you, wish I had the courage, at least to do my gobble neck...

4sewwhat

Hi Holeinone!

I have seen you on some other threads! Welcome here. You are correct! This is a super great group of ladies! After all, they took my crazy self in!

Congrats on the LAST chemo!! I actually found chemo easy. Don't say that often because so many have such a tough time with it. I have been truly blessed getting through all of this easily. I hope it has not been too hard on you.

You will be completely through before you know it!

dwill

Shellshine --thanks for being in my Pocket.. Know I can count on the rest of you hoolies too!  Well I will try to drop  in one more time tomorrow night before my reconstruction surgery.  I am going to work tomorrow and then will report to the hospital at 5:30 AM on Tuesday.   Shellshine -you and others say this will be easier.  I hurt so bad after the MX,, I am not looking forward to this.  Just continue to pray for me.

IllinoisLady

(((((dwill))))))))) strong healing energy and pain free serenity being sent in huge waves till this coming week-end and more if needed.

Lilli

dwill

Got it Lilli!  God don't know what I would do without you ladies! (((((Hugs back to all)))))

 Going to bed now--will let you ladies know how I am healing after Tuesday.

Shellshine

Dwillette - what time is your surgery scheduled ?..... so I can send you healing energy

Shellshine

Good aim on those eyedrops Chicklette, but so sorry you tossed it up afterwards. It will get better. Please keep us posted about his vision. Oh you hoolies -I feel sorry for myself sometimes, then I connect with you all and realize how we all of our burdens to carry......and I miss Veggy.

Chevyboy

Morning gals! Jackie, what you wrote, was so beautiful and true. We could just see into your soul.

And you are right... you always are! Your Sister was REALLY "one" wasn't she? She didn't deserve you.....

And yes! Karma? Sooner or later, it takes care of things.

And Ducky, you said it best..... "Stay home".... 4444444, you aren't doing your family any favors by taking them around her.... Not to mention what you are doing to yourself.

You wouldn't go around "friends" that would act this way towards you and your family.... Your Mother never even called your Son for his Birthday!

I would like to come out there, and just smack her silly! She has no right to expect you to be even CLOSE to her.... especially with your family. And I would tell her so...

If you can't SAY it, write it down and mail it.... I would be done with that abuse in a heart-beat.

She knows what she is doing.... and she feels entitled. She rules her world, and you along with it.

And don't feel bad because your kids can't have her close.... Believe me, they KNOW what is going on. And they probably feel bad for you. You are trying to "give" them what they can't have.... your Mother's love. YOU can't even feel it, and you don't have to fight for it. So just protect that family of yours... don't go around.... we said so.

You know my MIL was a bitch. She never even took my little girls for the day ONCE! Never to a park, or for a hamburger! She was just a selfish woman! I know I was supposed to love her, because she was my Husband's Mother.... BUT..... She couldn't care less about me or my family.... Just her Son.

And my Daughters' thought the world of her! They would come over, and she would play Grandma, but that was it. Some to think of it, she didn't EVER take her 2 Grand-sons anywhere either!

Why do we try so hard to please people that don't give a hoot about us? We have to learn NOT to be their stomping grounds.

So Holeinone! Must be a golfer, right? I'm just quick that way.. You were very smart to cut those ties at 19.... Saved yourself a lot of heart-ache and stress.

I'm glad your chemo is almost over.... ! I have courage enough for my neck, but I am old enough, that it just goes along with the territory..... Ha! I would rather spend my money on compression stockings, hearing aid batteries, hair color, and well, you get the picture...

Dwilli! You rest now.... we are all with you! Just let us know how you are coming along... take drugs.... I'm praying for you.

Morning Shells! And Sass must be sleeping.... along with Cammi! Chicken-sittin starting tomorrow! If they're not all frozen stiff.

camillegal

Shell Veggy is sure missed.

444444 I totally agree with everyone too. I always thinks that u can love someone but not like them very much--there would draw my line---My memories are happy, fuzzy and lots of laughs, so I can't speak to nhappy families cuz as u know we are very close, always were and still am.--so I can't address that---But 444 guilt is a wasted amount of energy for u to put out--u've been thru enough so have a happy holiday with u'r family and stay home. I'm sorry u'r mom has so many problems, but why expose u'r children to all that. U are a mom with u'r own responsibilities and now need to take that long overdo stand for u'r family--no guilt 4, just caring for Number 1--u'r family and u being well. I feel bad that there is a choice to make but u have to at this point and bring happiness to u'rs--U'r mom is you're mom and has a place is your heart, but u left her to be a mom--Of course u treat u'r mom with respect but just back off. I guess it's time.

Chic o Chic u'll get used to this whole procedure---u'r a tough lady whether u know it or not. And most definetly get that paperwork for u'r DH WC, find out what is needed and go with it and right away. Ducky gave u great advice and know all of that too, if u need any help u know u have it here.

Juliaanne I'm so glad u'r DH will be home and he'll feel better just being home and u will too.-u had to be so scared thru all of this.

Well u all know I went to lunch with my sister, cousin and GF--let's just say we changed tables 4 times laughing thru it all so that was the theme of the day. It was great. and when I got home I had voice mails for work so I had some work to do and took my pain meds--really needed them and just relaxed.

Chevy u take care of dem critters ya hear now. Their lucky to have u and u'r DH.

sas-schatzi

$$44444444, please, reread everyone's posts until the words break through, and the same with your own words. Everything is there. You're miserable. You stress out and hate the season b/c of your mom. You clearly adore your kids and raised them to care. They are successful children and near young adults. Do it for the kids, if you can't do it for yourself.

Think of it this way. Do you want your kids to approach the holidays every year with an undefined sense of foreboding? On a conscious level they might think GM was mean and hurtful, but they may not recognize it on an emotional and subconscious level.

I 've talked of the polio experience and said the date was Sept 19th 1952. 2yrs/2mos. BUT I didn't know that date until after I was 30 years old. Blew me away. It explained so much. Every September part way through, I would get into this weird state. The technical term was Fugue state. I felt I needed to flee, I was wildly unsettled emotionally. It was horrible. Lasted for weeks, then it would be over.

Now would be dx'd as PTSD. That diagnosis didn't exist then. People in the absence of knowledge will make their own conclusion/rationalization. I was first aware of it around your DD's age. Every year seemed to get worse. I thought it was b/c school started. Even kids rationalize. The only thing that didn't click is I loved school.

At 19 I tried suicide. I was lucky it didn't take. I still didn't understand the why of the Fall thing, but worked through it every year after. I controlled it, it didn't control me. When I finally asked when polio occurred it was explained. The details of the trauma were not something that was talked of until we had this chat. Mom had no idea the impact of being ripped away from her for several months, no contact with her until out of isolation for unknown amount of time. Her stories of looking through the glass, at us being tied down even though we could hardly move. AND Freud would love this, had to poop/pee in a diaper when we were already potty trained b/c the nurses refused to potty us.

The point being is it was seared in memory. It had a very long term affect.

You are such a good Mom. You are doing everything to raise happy kids. Do you want them to have a foreboding of the most beautiful part of the year because of your hateful Mother?

sas-schatzi

Dwilli,in your pocket :)L&H&P's sassy

juliaanna

Dwilli, see you on the squishy side! In your pocket for sure.

ChickaD

Miss Dwillienilli.......in your pocket!

gardengumby

Shells, we were in Lahaina. It was NOT a greatvacation and I think hubby is turned off Maui for life.  If we weweren't so busy right now I'd write more.  But we are still moving PLUS hubby's family de chit ided we should have Thanksgiving at our house. I'm 'xausted. Ill write latrr....

4sewwhat

GG, ughhh. If I lived closer I would cater for you!

Julia and Chickee, hope the men are better today than yesterday!

Dwilli, in your pocket too! Is it an exchange? I can't wait for mine next month. I want to be able to roll on my side and not bounce back!

Lilli, your writing is always so heartfelt and eloquent. Thank you!

I hear all of you, I really do! This hasn't bothered me this bad for a long time. I think it is just worse this year because I thought in light of this years events she might just start to come around and realize what she was missing out on. Or my dad might find his balls. But if their kid having had cancer isn't gonna do it I don't suppose anything will!

Ughhh, can't believe it's Monday already. Hitting the grocery today. Don't want to fight the crowds later in the week! Suppose I should clean the kitchen too!

Have a great day Hoolies! I love you gals!

Wren44

SAS, Being separated from your mother at that age is really serious. I'm haunted by a film which showed children evacuated to the interior of England from London. The look on the child's face calling for his mother just spoke volumes. They learned from that and decided to leave the little ones in London with their Mothers and just risk bombing.

duckyb1

4......the cancer doesn't matter.....once they think your out of the initial shock, biopsy, surgery, treatment, it is business as usual...........the concern, love, care, and attention fades once bullshit is over....well for them it's over, for you it's "big girl panty time"........and you better add suspenders because no one is there to help you hold them up...........it's "get over it time".........except for you.........

So care and concern would gave been short lived anyway.......hugs from someone who truly cares......

4sewwhat

Ha! You are assuming I got any of that during treatment!! I got criticism and told if I needed any help I ad to ask for it? I think they wanted me to hold their hands. It has been about what happened to THEIR daughter and how it affected THEM. They said so in so many words and in emails to others.

As for big girl panties! I have pretty much had them on from the beginning. The day in May that they cut the shit out, that was the last day in my life I ever plan to have had cancer! I have kept my docs on a very short leash and very tight time frame to get this done in 2013! ONLY year this shit is allowed to invade my life!

I don't think about having HAD cancer nor do I really think about it much any given day. Delusional ? maybe! And I have told my children from the beginning that the ONLY thing they had to believe was that I was strong enough to kick this shit to the curb. I was/am NOT SICK. I refuse to see it that way. I was invaded or infected, not sick.

Sorry, got carried away! You hit a nerve They are the ones that need to get over it!

Thanks Ducky, I DO know you care. That goes for the rest of you nice ladies too.

Sas, I can't imagine what you went through especially with the polio. I was so lucky to have that vaccine available when I was a kid and very blessed that my kids generation has not had to deal with thinks like that. They have made enough problems for themselves

Ok, let's move on to something fun.....

What is you favorite side dish and dessert for Thanksgiving Dinner?

Mine is Pumpkin/Pecan pie. You get a little of each with every slice, pumpkin on the bottom and the pecan pie on the too!

My favorite side dish is probably Cranberry Pear Crisp, grandma's recipe. Really like sweet pots and rutabaga too!

gardengumby

4444 I completely understand what you are going through. For me it's uppsidownsie of you though as the troublesome person in (or actually out of) my life is my daughter. It really sucks, but sometimes no contact is the best way to go.

sas-schatzi

Wren, yes,  I knew when my mom told me the stories  after dear son was born. She stayed with me for months b/c she had her cataracts done. We had time for chatting like we never had in our life. As soon as she told me it was--- OMG, I knew all those troubled Falls were directly related. Polio so consumed our lives after that, but there was never a mention of period, dates, and hospital occurrences. It was jaw dropping for me at the time.  I was a few hours shy of a major in psychology, knew immediately the damage. Then when she talked about the diapering and pottying, lordy once a wee one is trained, it's an issue.

When I snuck into that old building as a student nurse and walked those  halls, it's was very unsettling. No idea if my subconscious was reacting to anything. I remember standing and looking through the glass windows and feeling nauseous. Up to that point the three of us SN's were having a wickedly good time.

Hadn't heard that about the babies in England. It's nice to know that they recognized it and dealt correctly with it. Interesting that they did. sassy

sas-schatzi

In the space of all time and the problems that everyone are having right now, my little piece of celebration right now is a little thing. I HAVE A TOILET IN THE BATHROOM THAT FLUSHES, AND A SHOWER THAT HAS WATER. Zack the plumber will have his name added to the Thanksgiving day prayer.

The project manager from Home Depot who checked out the caulking problem, found another problem which may lead to a redo on one wall because of a bad cut. But today and this week I'll do a Scarlett O'Hara-----I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Thank You, Home Depot for living up to your warranty. I'll tell allot of folks

Then I, also, will tell allot of folks that the motto of  "Thank you for Trusting the Hartford" insurance company MEANS nothing. Find a different company. They will finagle however they can to not pay a claim.

Jan

sassy

4sewwhat

Yikes! I have my liability insurance for my catering shop with Hartford. Never had to use it, thank goodness!

Yeah for working toilets and hot showers!! Mine all work, just need eternal cleaning!

Gumby, sorry to hear about things with your daughter. It does suck! My moused to complain about the "games" my grandma played. Well she may not have liked them, but she became a master at them!

We have gone 25 years or more now with little or no contact. I go with it when things are up and run from it when things are bad.

Much to be thankful for again this year though! Nobody is taking that from my family!

Chevyboy

Sass.... as I told you, the Hartford Home Owners Insurance is useless! They will always find a reason why "this" or "that" is not covered! Especially on an older house, like ours.

We were better off to get about 5 estimates, and choose from them, and we cancelled our Homeowners Policy, AND our Auto Insurance with the Hartford.

It was just a fiasco, trying to figure out WHAT we were supposed to do! But we took our time, figured out a lot by ourselves, and "fixed" the problem temporarily, and we had an honest guy finally come out, and he said we don't have to jack-hammer the sidewalk, or the porch, to get under the tub, to the pipes.

DH put the section of wall back up, with the Insulation, and we probably finished it better than having someone ELSE come out.

I remember the Polio shots.... even the sugar cubes with the vaccine on them? We all had to be vaccinated..... and they closed the dirty lakes we all used to swim in! Thank God for the Salk Vaccine! My Brother had Rheumatic Fever, but outgrew it I think.... without any lingering problems.