2012 sisters

MrsCich

Not sure if you ladies have seen this before but I just found it on this site and thought it was so perfect, I had to share with others. I actually emailed this to a few people as well.





"Your relationships are about to change. All of them. Some will get stronger. They will probably not be with the people you would expect. The people you want to handle this well might not be able to for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons will be selfish. Some of them will be entirely innocent and circumstantial. All of them will be forgivable because no one plans for cancer. Carrying bitterness or anger won't help your recovery. Fighting for anyone to stick with you won't cure you. Those who can, will.



You will be determined to have more energy than you do. You will convince yourself that you are thinking straight, are able to handle all of this and do not need anyone. You will run out fuel. Your body will change first and your mind will follow. You won't lose your mind, memories or sensibility. It will all come back. But, you will be different. You will never have the same sense of self. You should embrace this. Your old self was probably really great. Your transformed self will be even better. Give into what is happening and trust it.



You are going to feel fear. Even if you are normally stubborn, confident and seemingly invincible you will finally find yourself admitting that you are scared of something. Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself. You'll need distractions. Music and sleep will probably be the ones you resort to most. Reading will become difficult. So will watching TV or movies, having conversations, writing and basically everything else. They call it "chemo brain" for a reason. You will feel normal eventually. Just a new kind of normal. When you feel afraid let yourself lean on those around you. Cry. Be vulnerable. You are vulnerable. There will be time for strength, but never admitting weakness will cause anxiety to mount and your condition to worsen. Let it all out. Yell if you need to. Sing when you feel up to it. Sob uncontrollably. Apologize for your mood swings. Treatments and prescriptions will often be the cause of them. The people that love you will understand.



The people that love you will be just as scared as you are. Probably more. They will be worrying even when they are smiling. They will assume you are in more pain than you are. They will be thinking about you dying and preparing for life without you. They will go through a process that you will never understand just like they will never understand the process you are going through. Let them process. Forgive them when they don't understand. Exercise patience when you can. Know that those that were built for this will be there when you get to the other side and you will all be able to laugh together again. You'll cry together too. Then you'll get to a place where you will just live in the world again together and that is when you know that you have beaten this.



The sooner you recognize that you are mortal, the sooner you can create the mentality for survival. There is a chance you might not make it. Just like there is a chance that you will. Don't look at statistics. You are unique and what is happening inside you is unique. Your fight is yours alone and there are too many factors to compare yourself to others that have had your condition. No one will want you to think about death, but you won't have a choice. You will think about it from the moment you are given your diagnosis. Come to terms with it. Calmly accept it. Then, shift every thought you have into believing that you won't die. You are going to beat this. Your mental focus on that fact will be more powerful than any treatment you receive.



Your doctors and nurses will become your source of comfort. You will feel safe with them. If you do not feel safe with them you need to change your care provider immediately. There is no time to waste. This shouldn't be a game played on anyone's terms but yours. When you find the right caretakers you will know immediately. Do not let insurance, money or red tape prevent you from getting the treatment you deserve. This is your only shot. There is always a way. Find those hands that you trust your life in and willingly give it to them. They will quickly bring you a sense of calm. They will spend time answering your questions. There will be no stupid questions to them. They won't do anything besides make you feel like you are the most important life that exists. They will never make you feel like they don't have things in control. They will be honest and accessible at all times. They might even become your friends. You might celebrate with them over drinks months or years after they have cured you. They deserve your gratitude, respect and appreciation daily. If you get upset at them during treatment know that they'll forgive you. They get that you're going through something they can't imagine- but they understand better than anyone. They see it every day and they choose to be there because they want to make the worst experience of your life more tolerable.



You will need to find balance after treatment. Start by seeking balance during treatment. Eat well. Sleep well. Listen to your body. Explore meditation. Experiment with new forms of exercise that aren't so demanding. Embrace massage and other body therapies. Go to therapy. A therapist will be able to guide you through your journey in ways you could never fathom. Do not be too proud to speak to someone. You cannot afford to store up the intensity of the emotion that comes with fighting a life-threatening illness. Let it out for yourself. You will begin to hear your voice changing. That voice is who you are becoming in the face of mortality. Listen to that voice. It will be the purest, most authentic version of you that you have ever known. Bring that person into the world -- strengths and vulnerabilities and everything between. Be that person forever.



You will inspire others. It will feel weird. People you haven't spoken to since grade school will be in touch. Ex-girlfriends, former colleagues... even people you felt never wanted to talk to you again. The influx of interest in your seemingly fading life will be greater than any living moment you have ever experienced. That support is what will shift a fading life into a surviving one. Be grateful for every message. Be appreciative of each gift and each visit. There will be moments where all of this attention will make you feel lonelier than you have ever felt in your life. In a hospital room full of people with messages stuffing your inbox, voicemail and mailbox you will find yourself feeling completely alone. This is when you will realize that you could afford to have a stronger relationship with yourself. That only you walk this earth with 100% investment in you. Make the investment and use this as an opportunity to reexamine your self-worth. Love yourself more than ever and recognize how much love there is for you in the world. Then start sharing that love. You will come to see that even when you are the neediest person you know you can still be giving. Giving will make you feel better than taking.



When you get to the other side you won't believe it. They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again.



I was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 27. Now 28, I have been told I have no trace of the disease in my body.



Jeff Tomczek is a freelance writer and the founder of C2Bseen, offering consulting services to niche brands and entrepreneurs.



Follow Jeff Tomczek on Twitter: www.twitter.com/C2Bseen"

juneaubugg

I read all the evanovich before chemo. All 19. She's great. I can't read right now because I don't remember what I've read! Ugh.



Meeting the friend who upset me last week and told me my cancer was exhausting her. She texted me and said she didn't blame me if I hated her. Maybe she realized how insensitive she was. I told her we can talk, and I love her, but I'm not sure the friendship will ever be the same. Stay tuned.

MrsCich

Juneau, I thought of you when I posted that long post. Especially about the friend part. I hope you and your friend can work things out but if not, like any relationship in my opinion, its not worth the hassle.



I lost my best friend in Dec of 2010. Her husband murdered her and then committed suicide. They have 4 children and the youngest at the time was almost 2. She was home when this happened but luckily not in the same room. I've never been the same since. Then I got diagnosed in August. It's been a rough few years but with the friends that have stepped up, my husband and with you ladies...anything is possible.



All my love,

Kristie 😍

stride

Kristie, I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. The real kind. Please accept a virtual (((hug))).

MrsCich

Lovingly accepted, Stride. Thank you. 😊

liefie

Dear MrsCich, thank you so much for posting that incredible piece of writing! I found it very moving. It is hard to believe that it was written by a 28-year old man - there is such depth of thought, and a wealth of wisdom and advice that one would expect from a much older person. It really cuts to the chase of the whole cancer ordeal, and all of us here can identify with that.

You have gone through so much yourself, Kristie. Like Stride, I want to hug and comfort you. Best wishes for the surgery and the next chemo. We are here for you!

Juneaubugg, it seems your friend is realizing how insensitive she's been. Your friendship may never be the same, but it may just be better than before once you've talked heart-to-heart about what is important, and you both start healing from this. If both parties have the will to make it work, then it is totally possible. I have experienced that in my life where it seemed that a relationship was not salvageable (is there such a word?), and we moved on to have a much closer, better friendship.  We'll stay tuned!

juneaubugg

Mrscich (love the new photo btw). Yes I've read that in the huffington post and even sent to my DH and parents. Guess I should have included my friend huh?? In off in ten to meet her for dinner.



So sorry to hear if the horrific way you lost your friend. Trauma is so hard to process.



Love to all- in outta here for now.

liefie

Marian, I hope tonight is better for you. It's no fun to feel as if you cannot breathe - had that a few times myself. Best wishes!

chrissera

MrsCich, thank youfor,posting that article. Reading it made me cry as it is all so true. I have definately found out who my true friends are through this Cancer crap. Those I thought weremy friends have disappeared. One of them was a coworker and I miss her terribly but she doesn't speak to me at all any more unless absolutely necessary. my hubby says when my tx is all done maybe she will go back to normal but I don't even want to anymore



Just one more thing that Cancer has taken. :-(

Scottiee1

Chrissera....her loss!!!!!

Tazzy

 I read that piece by Jeff Tomczek and was also amazed that a young man had written it.  I really was moved by it and still am.

Marian: hope your breathing issues have got better – not fun

Juneau – hope the meeting with your ‘friend’ went how you wanted it to go.   Sometimes people will show their ‘true’ selves when confronted with something like this.  Keep us posted – we're here for you.

MrsCich… crap, crap and double crap.   Not only dealing with the trauma of your friend but then being dx’d with bc.  Enough already. 

Chrissera – I agree with Scottie – her loss.

Wishing you all a peaceful nights sleep and sweet dreams. 

juneaubugg

I love you all. She sort of apologized and I told her I knew she didn't I intentionally plan to hurt me, and she's human and will probably hurt me I the future again, but I wasn't apologizing for being self centered right now. I think the friendship should last; it will just be new.

Anonymous

mrscich - sending you big hugs; what a rough road...

juneau - glad you were able to talk it out and can view it from a new angle

marianne - sorry to hear your struggles. I think the weather here was really humid after one of my AC treatments and I felt like I couldn't get a deep breath. I cranked up all the ACs in the house and that helped. Not sure what the weather is doing by you - but maybe some cool dry AC air can ease the pressure? Hang in there.

And I just wanted to report that is is now day 8 after my last AC and I finally feel human again. Feel like I have kissed (or kicked?) AC good bye for good. Phew! I always knew in my head going into each round of AC that day 8 would bring a ray of sunshine - but boy, getting there is a road... But oh my - once you get there, and know it is the last time you'll have to travel that road... woo hoo!!! Still have taxol ahead of me, but so very, very happy that AC is done, done, done, done! Hang in there those of you still in it. You'll get to the end of it - I promise. And when you get there - you just might feel like doing a cartwheel!!!

I know I've missed others I wanted to address... Hugs to you all. Hoping for a great, "happy-filled" day for everyone here. Love you all!

websister

Good morning everyone



MrsCich - thinking of you today - two procedures, you will be tired. Glad your WBC was good this time. Thank you for posting the article, I had seen it before but it was really good to read again. PICC line usually in arm, often inner elbow region, exposed so yes, needs to be protected when showering/bathing



Ramols - thinking of you, hoping you didn't end up on the couch



Jpmomof3 - you must be getting close to the end of radiation, glad the lump turned out ok



Aruba - enjoyed your reference to 'lube the boob'



Juneaubug - sounds like some progress with getting together and talking, good to hear



MarianneElizabeth - hope you had a better night last night



Re: wigs - they are useful for some occasions, mine may get worn once weekly but still don't feel like me in it, even if I get compliments. Have to confess I told my husband I am a little jealous of my wig and the looks he gives me when I'm wearing it (in my mind that isn't me). Juneaubug - it may be helpful to do another head covering for initial day of work, that way you don't feel any pressure to keep it up if it's not comfortable for you.



Music - have lots of playlists on my iPad that I use depending on mood, definitely therapeutic



Yesterday I did laundry, groceries, some errands and went to hospital to visit my mother and that kind of did me in. I think maybe my hemoglobin is a little on the low side, hoping the neutrophils are behaving with the help of the Neulasta shot. I will stay closer to home today, I have the excuse of needing to finish the book we are discussing at our book club tomorrow.



Hope you all find something to smile about today. Take care

halfcan

Websister -  You are the only one here that I have noticed to have the same FEC-D chemo regimen as myself but you started treatment 2 months ago.  Have you had #3?   I am curious how the SE's were for you through the FEC treatments.   I have only had one so far and the SE's have be tolerable.  Some nausea the first week but nibbling on food helped and then about 4 days of physical tired to the bone and a bit lightheaded it seemed (not sleepy tired).  Now feels like I'm improving except my gums are tender as hell.  All in all...nothing to seriously complain about through round 1 compared to what some of the ladies here are going through.  From all the posts about the Taxotere it seems it will be a rougher road.   Are you getting Neulasta or Nuepogen shots?  I will get the Neupogen starting with my second infusion.  And today is day 14 and still have my buzz cut.

websister

Hi Halfcan

Yes, I have had my third FEC chemo, followed three days later by a Neulasta shot. The first time I didn't keep on top of nausea and headache as well as I should have so first evening/night not fun but got through that and then Well controlled. Agree also re: bone tired about day 4 and 5 for me first time, lasted a little longer second and third time but tolerable. My mouth has been good, noticing a little gum soreness in past couple of days but rinsing with Biotene and other times baking soda.

Definitely doable. My hair started 'releasing' about day fourteen but took a while, still have a few pieces of stubble on scalp.

I will get Taxotere/Herceptin on Tuesday next week and we will see what that does, nausea supposed to be better but there definitely appear to be other side effects.

Oh well, halfway is halfway and I will celebrate that! Glad to hear you are doing so well

marianelizabeth

Websister when you had your haircut did you have it shaved right off? Not sure whatbuzz cut # I should go for.

halfcan

Marian - I had my hair buzzed to the lowest setting with a guard and it is about 1/4 to 1/2 inch long.  I was surprised that I don't mind it short.  Sure it will be another story when the hair goes though.  My hair looks like websisters pic.   Glad to hear you are doing better Marian!

websister

I had the #1 buzz, my avatar picture was taken right after. Guess I should probably update the avatar now. Basically no hair shows on a picture, any stubble remaining is white and not much of it. Eyebrows becoming very thin, lose a few eyelashes every day.

_Ann_

ramols, congratultions on finishing AC!  That was truly a happy day for me too.  I told myself thank god, even if I get cancer again, they can't give me AC again due to the lifetime dosage limits for heart damage.  What a weird thing to be grateful for!

Not to alarm you but my first Taxol didn't go as easy as I expected.  I was so ready to sail through it after AC then  I was pretty sick on days 2-4. But the 2nd one was easier, I was only sick on day 2.  A couple ladies told me, the further you get from AC, the more your energy returns during Taxol.  I'm hoping that will be the case.  I have #3 tomorrow.

marianelizabeth

websister and halfcan did you go to a hairdresser to get the buzzes?

websister

mariannelizabeth - I did go to a my hairdresser as she is also a good friend and wanted to do it for me, she didn't want to charge but I did pay her as I think it was harder on her than me.

halfcan

No...did it at home with better half and three sisters. One occasion where I had a cocktail. :-)

Tazzy

I had my hair buzzed to #1 too.   They did it at the Cancer Agency in the look good feel better room.    Good luck.

Juneau:  new friendships can be good too.   I am happy for you that you were able to meet up and also happy you didn't apologise.

Ramols - yay for being done with A/C. 

I have just booked flights to go see my family in England on Nov 21-Dec 5.    I am so excited to see them.  there was a lot of snot and tears from Mum when I told her, and I expected that.   After this year that we've had I need a hug from them.   I am very excited to go.

Hoping you are all doing OK and hugs.

juneaubugg

Tazzy: that's awesome. Have some treacle pudding for me.

MrsCich

Thank you all for your well wishes. I started my day out on a bad note. I couldn't drink or eat of course and I so wanted/needed some coffee. Then I couldn't tie my scarf right and it was aggravating the shit out of me. Regardless, I had my surgery and was out in time to make it to the hospital for the PICC line placement.



Surgery was quick and I haven't looked at the nip that was worked on or the area on the other breast (at the bottom along the original incision line) that was open and raw. My husband has and said my nipple is now oblong rather than round and the other area which was about the size of a quarter is now a line of stitches about 3 inches long. Nip doesn't hurt but the other area is sore, burns and itches.



PICC line was put in and is uneventful enough to not write about it.



On the head shaving subject, I had my girls shave my head with a #8 guard then the next day the at a local cancer foundation shaved it to the scalp with clippers and no guard.



All my love and hoping you all minimal SEs.

websister

That is awesome, Tazzy! What a wonderful reward to give yourself - and your family. Enjoy thoroughly!

Scottiee1

Tazzy, so happy for you...a little jealous....I'm from Scotland and have not been home since my mom passed. Just not the same, although I have lots of cousins and friends

There...going home was getting off that plane and driving home and mom having coffee

ready for me and then lots of catching up. You will have a great time, I know....say hi

to Scotland for me....may go home next summer myself, not sure.....I'm still a little anal

about making plans.

Tazzy

Thanks all... and yes Websister I like to think of it as a reward for the crap year we have gone through.

Scottie... I will sure say hi to Bonnie Scotland... albeit from London, but that's OK.

Juneau: treacle pudding and custard - yum.

MrsCich - at least the surgery and head shaving is done.  the only way is up as they say.

Hugs to all

Scottiee1

Thanks Tazzy.