What is Offensive?

kittymama

Athena,

So true about post-surgical great skin.  After all three surgeries, my skin looked dewy and smooth.  What is up with that?  The fluids that are pumped into my body or the medical grade oxygen?

cookiegal

AFLAC..not the duck... but the salesman who pictched me cancer insurance by telling me what a horrible disease it was and all the people he knows who died, and then after finding out I had it, said I was not qualified to buy it.

People who say, "You'll be OK, I know it."

How the hell do they know that.

Say,"I hope you will be ok."

People who say LE is not that big a deal. 

Anonymous

Love this thread.

What offends:

I never liked the color pink anyway, and now more than ever.

I get pissed off when people I barely know say they are praying copiously for me.  It makes me feel as though there's no hope for me--a "last rites" kind of thing.  I had a cousin whom I hadn't seen or talked to in a decade find me somehow on my caringbridge.org website and instead of posting a cheerful, atta-girl type message, she simply posted a prayer for "her dear, sweet cousin" to her Heavenly Father.

I had another near-stranger like the c ousin above tell me not to doubt there is a God.  How rude to assume I doubt there isn't one to begin with!

Friends who bring up someone else's cancer scare. It only scares me more. Friends who tell me to just "put on my wig" and go out, trivializing my experience and feelings.

Anyway. 

leggo

Someone told you to "just put on a wig". How did you keep yourself from punching 'em in the back of the head?

Bren-2007

Hi Athena!

What offends me on the boards is meanness.  Sometimes all it takes is a kind word to help someone through the day ... and meanness has no place on this forum.

Bren

lovinmomma

I am offended by docs who do not call us with test results quickly.

I am offended by being told that if I had just had a mammogram...blah blah blah. I had  a mammo 5 months before the lump was found and it was clear.

I am offended that this cancer will take me away from my children way to early.

I HATE most pink commerialization, but love when a friend makes me something in pink just for me.

jenlee

I won't go as far as "offended," but I am disappointed to click innocently click on something on this board in "active topics" and find it's a thread of people arguing and flaming each other, one after the other, again and again.  I know that we're all under a lot of stress from cancer and from our everyday lives, and I can't know the stress that any of you are under until I've walked in your shoes, or vice versa.  But in "the real world," being under stress or feeling angry about life isn't normally a good enough reason to treat others poorly.  I've learned in the past (the hard way) that it's easier to be angry and rude on the internet, and fire off words that we'd never say to someone in person -- I have sincerely regretted those incidents. I came to this board for information, advice, & mutual support, but find that sometimes I'm hesitant to post something for fear it might annoy people, or that it's a "stupid" question, because some of you know much more about this disease than I do (even though I do consider myself to be an intelligent educated person).  I would hope that if we see something that we disagree with on this board, we could post that we respectfully disagree, then go on to state our own opinion... Or just ignore the post... One board, not (breast cancer related) has a debate forum, where people post on a thread, and argue about it issues if they want to, no holds barred -- those of us who didn't have the stomach for that could stay away.  

On the other hand, I DO sincerely appreciate those of you who continue to share & support and I'm sure everyone does that on most days anyway.

ladyfighter

I am offended by health care in USA ! The doctors, nurses, everyone are like robots and only cares about getting paid after I learned how it is like outside of USA.

Offended by people who tried to look at my hair or my breasts after they learned I have breast cancer. 

I absolutely LOVE pink, mind you it had nothing to do with breast cancer pink thing, because i loved it since i was young. I dont understand what does PINK have to do with breast cancer anyways.

You all have a good day 

ladyfighter

Jenlee I agree with you

tweetybird

It totally bugs me when people say that "DCIS isn't cancer". If it's not cancer, then why did I go thru a lumectomy, 33 rounds of rads, 4 different biopsy's over 5 1/2 years, tamoxifen for 5 years, and still seeing my breast surgeon, and ocologist once a year for life?

Beesie

greenfrog and thenewme, YES! to all you've both said.

BinVA,  I agree that there is no place on the board for meanness. And I would add that sometimes an apology will do wonders.  I suspect that most of us here have never written anything that was meant to offend or upset someone else, but sometimes others do get upset or offended by what we write. Even if you didn't mean to upset someone and even if you don't really understand why they are upset, APOLOGIZE.  It doesn't hurt you or cost you anything and it may help the other person. I find it offensive when rather than apologize, people instead dig their heels in and restate what they said, or tell the person that they shouldn't be upset (or as I posted earlier, tell then to "just get over it"). Just apologize if you've offended someone.  

Marple

Beesie, I'm pressing the 'Like' button.  I totally agree.

AnnNYC

thatsvanity,

Yours was a very moving and (I hope you're not offended by my calling you brave!) bravely self-examining and self-revealing post, about your sister's last days.  I'm afraid I did something similar with my father (in 1990), not being able to admit, maybe not mature enough to understand, that the last time I saw him was going to be the last time I saw him -- he knew, but I guess he also knew I had to act like I'd see him again.

sewingnut

What I have found most offensive was my MIL announcing in her Christmas newsletter that poor Joann has breast cancer. WHAT??? I told my husband it was my news to tell and not hers.....

MizMarie

I don't know that I am offended, but I certainly am annoyed by celebrities who use their fame to dispense medical advice, specifically those who have had BC and proclaim themselves to be "cured".  I'm pretty sure there is no secret 100% effective treatment that is available only to the rich and famous.

I am also annoyed by relatives who call other family members to ask how I'm doing, instead of just calling me directly.  If you don't want to talk to me, that's OK, just send me a text or a FB message.

I am very offended when people say I'm too thin.  Folks, this is no different than telling an obese person they're too fat.  NOT NICE!

Flintviolet

Greefrog wrote: "- I am most offended by cancer itself. Indiscriminate, unfair, unpredictable killer that has robbed me of family and friends." totally agree!!



I am not only offended; I am outright angry! At the same time, my mom's voice rings in my head, "life isn't fair"



So what do I do? Take it one day at a time and try (my biggest weakness) to NOT be, get, or stayed stressed, and for me, getting offended ( which I do get) is stressful.

Flintviolet

Bessie, thanks for the encouragement...we do need LIKE buttons :-)

angelsister

Jenlee i totally agree. People will fire off a snarky comment to a screen name and avatar that they would never ever say to some ones face. Its easy to forget that there are real people behind the posts. What offends me is the assumptions people make about a person having read ten lines of text. And the idea that dcis is somehow cancer lite. I have a sister who had dcis 7 years ago and has never never gotten over it. She was still being supported by my sister with stage iv bc until so very recently. Cancer is cancer is cancer. Im also offended that effing bc is sweeted and sexied up by pink shit. Oh and komen. Thanks. Feel better now x

Lilyn

Thatsvanity That was a very heartfelt post. You are so insightful and and it is so true to take the palliative care wisdom of allowing the person and yourself to come to terms with what is happening. Your sister was blessed to have you as her sister and you were I am sure an amazing comfort for her. Best wishes

Bren-2007

Bessie .. I agree with you.  It chafes my chaps when I see "Just get over it" written to someone.  That is so rude.

I also don't like the term "cancer-lite."  There are lots of early stage gals that suffer through a lot of treatments .. more than I did.  I've know too many with cancer-lite who went on to be Stage IV or their cancer returned as DCIS or another IDC.

Bren

mebmarj

"Komen" has been a word that can cause such passionate responses. I really feel bad that her sister chose to name the organization after her, Susan g Komen. She was dx, went thru tx and passed because there was no cure. Now her name is slung around as if she caused trouble, when in fact, she personally had/has nothing to do with what the organization named after her currently does in her "honor.". So sad.



On another note, offending to me is the- did they get it all? You're done with treatment and you're ok right? Line of questions from people who really don't know me and don't really care, so let's talk about the weather instead of my boobs, ok?



Not offensive- a greeting such as I've missed you and it's good to see you with a gentle hug. Generic enough to let me know my presence matters to someone and they care enough to not inquire too deeply unless I let them know it's ok.

LuvLulu07

Offensive to me:

Implying that I did something wrong to bring on cancer.  And then telling me about books to read and supplements to take to prevent cancer.  

People that I don't know well asking probing questions. 

barbe1958

I find it offensive on the forum here when someone posts and then gets jumped on. What usually comes out is that the original poster has a right to HER feelings. What about the responses she has asked for? Don't WE have rights to our feelings too?? I figure if you've posted in a public forum asking for "advice", then don't get mad when you don't hear what you want to hear!!

Very early on I had someone HERE tell me I should have seen a psychiatrist before I had my double mast. And that I must have been crazy to do it!!! Wowza!!

Adey

Crikey barbe.

angelsister

Omg barbe that stinks x

I'm sorry i meant the komen corp not susan g herself

Faye33

Not much offends me, however if I had to pick something, it would be the pink ribbon crap.  I don't judge people for buying into it, I just don't buy into it, and shouldn't be expected to buy into it just because I had breast cancer.  I think it is kind of one of those things you don't really understand until you've been there, done that.

I also don't have a problem with me or anyone else going through a tough time not buying into the false/blind hope.  I feel that most of my growth and maturity through this battle has developed during the times I feared/questioned/doubted the most.  Processing the reality of this all leads to more of an acceptance and realization that has only strengthened my faith and understanding of the process of living life.

Janie-bug

Thatsvanity.   I read your post and cried. I went through the Same thing with my sister and your words were exactly how I have been feeling. I feel guilty for not letting her talk openly and freely about her fears because my fear of losing her was so great. I was dx after she became an angel and  now realize what a terrible sister I realy was. I said all the wrong things, done all the wrong things and wish everyday that she was here so I could have  just one "do over" I would do things soooo...different. I miss her more then anything. She was my best friend. And I let her down

I HATE, HATE, HATE cancer

Beesie

I think usually when someone posts saying how they feel, they are looking for support and validation. They may be uncomfortable about how they feel and they want to know that they are not alone in feeling this way.  

While the post might say "Does anyone else feel this way?" I doubt that the OP is really looking for people to respond by saying "No, I don't feel that way and here's why".  Or worse yet, "No, I don't feel that way and I think you are wrong/silly/immature/selfish/etc. to feel this way."

Unfortunately those types of threads tend to bring out lots of these types of responses, which is something that I just never understand. If I feel the same way as the OP, I will post and tell them so and offer support. If I don't feel the way the OP feels, I might post and say, "I don't feel that way but I understand why you have those feelings".  If I really don't understand or agree with their concerns/feelings, I simply won't post. 

The way I see it, if someone is uncomfortable with their feelings, or upset about something, what's the value in posting to tell them that you feel completely differently and don't understand their perspective? How does that help someone who is already upset?  Isn't that just cruel? I believe that the person who starts a thread owns the thread; the objective should be to support that individual and they should be the focus of the responses (sometimes easier said than done, as discussions get off track and move in different directions). This even is an issue when talking about things that are purely physical - pain after surgery, for example.  If someone posts about the terrible pain that she is having, she's looking for support and will take comfort in hearing that she's not alone in having this experience.  Yet so often I see responses that say "I had no pain at all". I wonder what the purpose of those posts are; do they want to make the OP feel worse than she already does?

I guess what it comes down to is that I believe that if you don't have something nice to say, or if you can't say something supportive, then don't say anything.

crystalphm

I am so impressed by the responses and identify with so many!

 So what offends me is

-people who tell me I am lucky I didn't have it bad (even though I lose both breasts)

-People who imply I did something to bring on cancer

-People who tell me I will be fine.

-and I am offended by people who think medical care/mastectomy supplies/ reconstruction are *all* covered by insurance.

rosemary-b

I am offended by people who give me diet advice. Like anything I ate gave me breast cancer or like I can eat something to cure it. I try to eat right but when people tell me about a diet that will cure cancer, I get angry.