the art of dying
I am 26 and I was diagnosed a month ago. Mostly, I am frightened of my death. I sit and play cards with my mother and I feel an immense sadness. It fills me. When I die, who will play cards with my mother? When will I get to see her again? And in that moment, sitting there watching the cards getting dealt; I already miss her for an eternity. This fear is paralyzing and it seizes my mind throughout the day. My current bout of treatment does not worry me excessively. I can cope. It is the uncertainty of the rest of my life I struggle to deal with. That I will never again be able to amble through life without my mortality constantly lingering at the back of my consciousness. It is a heavy weight and I cave beneath it. I will have to worry, has it returned? Will it kill me this time? All this talk of 5-year-survival rates and 10-year-survival rates depress me. Why has the language of my life been reduced to talk of survival and extension plans? Death was a fleeting thought, you entertained at the end of a bad dream after a drunken night and then immediately tucked into the deep recesses of your mind. The pointless nature of life and death was something you mulled over briefly after reading a tragic story in the paper in the morning and then spent the rest of the day in your life; solid and separate from the arbitrariness of death and disease. That was me a month ago. The constant utterances of support and love - they lift me but they also sink me. Because I envy my friends. They, who convey their apologies with all sincerity but then as soon as it is done can continue on in the boundless enthusiasm of youth, convinced for most part that we are immortal. I miss that life. I miss that mind. But, it is gone.
Comments
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In your post, you don't give information about your stage, etc. There are some things I would normally recommend but hesitate doing that without more information. Because you are so young, you have never focused on the fact that all we have is today. It's true for all of us and it is true for you.
In your post you say "the pointless nature of life and death was something you mulled over briefly after reading a tragic story in the paper in the morning and then spend the rest of the day in your life". I would urge you to continue doing that. If you have to discuss a treatment plan, thoroughly discuss it and give all your attention. Then leave and "spend the rest of the day in your life". I think many of us would express this in a variety of ways but we live for today.
As I sit here typing this, I feel good and life is good. That's all any of us ever really had.
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brownbum, your post has touched me, I am 44, but I can completely relate to what you say about the fear of death. But it is the art of living! I need to learn it too, since I am a born pessimist and throw myself into the horror of it all. But the people we are close to need our love, and we need to feel alive. And yes, I miss feeling immortal, too! Just living with no thought about death and dying. But we need to pull away from that as often as we can, even if it is unbearable sometimes. It is a long road, and for now, I feel sad almost all the time. But remember that you once loved life, and you can do it again, I am sure. I wish you both all the best every day and every future day.
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OMG you sound like me last year at this time. The beginning of this journey is the worst.
The thing is they don't know when any of us will die. I know a woman on this board that has had mets for 16 years (survivor for 20) and is still living her life. Don't get caught up in the 5/10 year stats. Just because they stopped counting at 10 years doesn't mean those ladies are still not around.
This is a very treatable disease.
That said I too worried about my mom, dad, husband. OMG the hardest thing for me to do was tell my mom. Trust me they will be OK. You are still very much alive. I don't worry ever time I get into a car that I will get into an accident and die. It can happen. I just put my seat belt on and drive. Your treatment will be your seat belt. Not 100% but they do work more often than not at saving lives, just like treatment.
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I definitely hear your fear. I have been on both sides of the coin. My dear hubby, DH had cancer first & then 2 reoccurances. Was I scared, to loose the man I love & the father of my children. Fast forward, I find out I have the dreaded "C".
Thankfully he is now 6 years NED & I am 3 1/2 years NED! We try to live each day, even though some days we would like to kill each other.
I know it's hard right now, just take it one day at a time.
Sending lots of love & support! NJ
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You are an excellent writer, so I suggest you start a journal or blog and help you with an outlet. You don't say what your stage is? You may very well have that long life ahead of you yet and perhaps your words are premature. I'm stage IV and still planning on it.
SInce you know you are depressed, I would recommend you discussing this with your doctor and getting medication if you don't recover. People have an easier time with treatment when they aren't depressed.
If you don't need it, then research your stage and focus on the best outcomes. It does help.
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Can you give a little more info. about your Dx? It will help the women here address you in a more specific and personal way, I think. When the diagnosis is as "fresh" as yours is, it is pretty normal to feel overwhelmed by the dark thoughts of this disease. Believe me, there are a lot of us who resent the shift we have to make in our mentality about our day to day lives after discovering we have cancer.
It is tragic that this has been thrust on you at such a young age. It is a time when most still feel fearless and immortal, like you said. We can be here to help with info., support, or to just listen if you need to get a rant out. I believe there is a thread with women in their 20's and you might want to do a search for that, to connect with others in a similar situation of getting a Dx so young and to learn how they cope with it.
I can tell you are a thoughtful person by the way you have expressed your feelings. You named your thread "the art of dying" and we all must (artfully or otherwise) but it is the "art of living" that is the real challenge, at any age. -
My daughter is 26. She was diagnosed 8 months ago, at the age of 25. In the beginning, we lived in a surrealistic, numb nightmare. That is where you are now. You will emerge from it. My daughter has taught me, by her example, how to wring every drop of life out of every present moment, in a way I could never have foreseen. All we have is the present, our present, this day, this moment. Whether we have it for 2, or 5, or 20 years, it is always this moment. Take a deep breath, be there, do not succumb to the narcotic of regretting the past or fearing the future. Do the best you can now, and your journey will be calmer and richer. The fact that you are with your mother now, playing cards, is the greatest gift you can give each other. Don't despair. There is no essential difference between the art of dying and the art of living. Sending love.
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P.S. Feel free to pm me with your mother's contact info if she would like support from someone in the same boat. We are a select group, and there aren't many of us. There are unique challenges to mothering and yet still respecting the boundaries of a young woman in her 20s with cancer, and there is no teacher like experience.
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Thank you. I think accepting that the treatment is my seatbelt makes a lot of sense. But how fortunate for those who get to carry on untainted by this. Perhaps pure envy makes up a large part of my current unhappiness. I troll Facebook and find myself scowling at girlfriends frivoulous complains about upcoming birthdays - never again will I complain about another birthday and about getting older.
I do not know what Grade the tumour is or the exact size - I suppose I will find this out after surgery? I have opted for chemo first to try and downstage the cancer because I do not want to have any nodes removed. So, I suppose I am Stage 2? with at least one node proven positive with a FNA. I am also ER+/PR+ and HER2-
My boyfriend read that the disease is particularly vicious in young woman this has deeply shaken me. That I am node positive deeply shakes me, To be honest, my mother is coping with this much better than I am. It is my father who is a broken man. He seems to have convinced himself my illness is his karma and he carries guilt along with his fear.
The first thing my mother said, when she found out was; well, whatever happens, happens and we will just deal with it together. Which has been, in 4 weeks of tumultuous ups and downs - the best thing anyone has said to me still.
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Your mother sounds like a wonderful resilient woman. I wanted to tell you that there are psychologists that specialize in grief and loss counseling. I occasionally see one - he is wonderful. You have eloquently described (in both your posts) the grief you are feeling over the change to your life.
I just wanted to tell you that my psychologist is someone that would listen well to those fears and to that grief and let you cry about the change to your life and help you move beyond it. I just wanted to let you know that there are people out there like that.
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most cancer centers have mental health professionals to help us cope with our
diagnosis..please take advantage of that help...
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You are absolutely right! B/C is not fair, as one in every eight women will tell you. Why some women get it and some don't is the big mystery we'd all like to know the answer to...and some of us don't even fit the profile with the given risk factors. Why is B/C so random?
You do have one great thing going for you. Sounds like you have a very supportive mom and I think your dad will be too even if your B/Cis making him face some issues right now. Your boyfriend seems to be caring and involved too. It's great that you have got some people pulling for you there. You've also found a discussion board where many, many women do understand how upsetting and devastating it feels.
What you will probably not have is the understanding or empathy from all of your friends. From some, yes; but others will just not have the capacity to deal with what you are going thru'. I don't know why it is like that either, but if you notice that happening just know that it is not at all unusual.
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Breast cancer can be very aggressive in younger women mostly because they are usually triple negative (most aggressive) or HER2+ (also fast growing). You are hormone positive, not triple negative or HER2+ so far. (Not sure if they have tested you for HER2). Even if you are HER2+ you still don't have the most aggressive (triple positive or HER2+ & hormone negative). I'm not saying this isn't serious but you have lots of options for treatment with your current diagnosis. Hormone positive cancers tend to be slower growing (unless HER2+).
Your feeling are normal but many do need anxiety drugs, especially at the beginning to deal with this. My neighbor (much older than me) was diagnosed just after me. She did have to seek counseling. She is doing so much better now. I highly recommend it. I know I came close at the beginning too.
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brownbum- I am not far along in this journey either, nor am I 26. But I feel for you in your difficult circumstances- and I am glad you have your mom to help you. My 85 year old mom and dad came to be with me after my second surgery, and though they really couldn't DO much, the 'being there' factor was huge. Enjoy the love that you have with each other. My mom is now facing some battles of her own, healthwise, that I wish I could help her with but cannot yet. The only thing we can do is practice the art of LIVING to the fullest- which is so much more than complaining about birthdays and worrying about superficial things. I believe that this journey can transform you and your relationships with the ones you love. I hope that you will be able to let go of the folks around you who do not understand and treasure the ones that do.Blessings to you and peace. I am grateful for all the ladies on this forum who have been a great comfort to me and who have wisdom to share with you.
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brownbum- how are you today? sending positive thoughts your way!
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I was thinking of you today to brownbum...hope your spirits are in a better place and you are having a decent day
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Hi all,
I am feeling much better today. It wavers, I am on week 3 of my first cycle and hair has started to fall in clumps. I've cut it very short - I told the stylist Halle Berry, I've emerged adolscent boy. But, ah well. I aim to plaster it with brightly colored clips.
You guys are right - I need to accept like so many people on this forum have with grace and dignity and to move forward. So I am trying to do this. I now make an effort to leave the house daily and do something that isn't about this, or death or dying. Today's activity was Yoga and a painful reminder on how inflexible I am.
I have started a blog - and it is amazing how cathartic this act of compulsively confessing is.
I hope you guys are doing well as well. Let me know. I am happy to hear all updates!
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Ah, you changed your name too, love it
so glad to see you are moving forward and you started a blog, I think you have an art with writing, it's a gift not many have, best of luck dear, thinking of you! -
Love the new name Red! Sounds like you are doing much better. Trust me the future is even much better. I'm finished with chemo (Jan 18th) only 3 more Herceptin treatments and I just had my implant exchange almost 2 weeks ago. I feel great. Very excited to be almost done and moving on. I feel like me again!
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Ha- like the name 'Red' also- it is a brave color and coincidentally my favorite as well. Glad you are finding your feet and best of luck in your treatments.
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I just want to add my good wishes to this gifted writer. Your post is very touching and relatable for many of us.
You will find things to be grateful for that would never had occurred to you before the cancer. I know it sounds trite, but looking at life through this new lens can bring some positive and life-affirming realizations. Keep writing, and do keep us updated about your treatments and insights.
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Redplastic - all we can do, is adjust and learn from our " new normal".
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Dear redplasticboots,
Two thoughts: When you first wrote it was just a month after your diagnosis. You won't feel the same about all this a year from now, two years from now, or three years from now. You have good health and strength going into this, and that will help you to navigate the tough waters of the treatment year. It's rough, but it will end, and everything will look different. Please trust me on this.
Second thought: Of course you're struggling with the idea of five- and ten-year survival rates--what normal young person wouldn't recoil at those thoughts? You've gotten a very tough diagnosis, but you have loving parents behind you, a boyfriend at your side (ask him to please stop gathering information from the internet and refer all questions to your doctor), and a fierce talent for writing that informs every line you write. Focus on these gifts and put your energy into staying positive. Do your best to eliminate negative thoughts and people from your mind and your life. You are obviously so strong going into this, and that strength will get you through and help you launch the next phase of your life once treatment is done.
And please follow the good advice others have given you here--find a support group or a therapist if you feel that will help, and take advantage of anti-anxiety meds if you struggle with getting through the day.
Please know that there are many, many women here who are ready and able to help in whatever way they can.
Please take good care of yourself!
Ann
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it is funny, how i've grown to depend on the kindness of strangers and the strength of this forum. i lurked for weeks reading post after post reveling in the solidarity of this sisterhood. and each and every one of your messages has me smile and tear. i re-read them constantly. in my life, i have amazing family and friends - but none of them can speak to me as well as this space can. it is a refuge.
So, thank you everybody! sorry for the delayed reply but the days have been hectic. a happy hectic i think. in many ways, this is a (strangely) happy time in my life. my days are free - i spend them with my mother. there is time to write. and i have an incredible amount of gratitude for the little things. and the madness of the previous months and the madness of the comings months don't constantly worry me - for now, i am good.
it isn't all enlightenment and zen days; some nights i still panic and rail at the seeming unfairness of it all (does that ever stop i wonder?) BUT i am doing better in that i think i have now retreated comfortably into acceptance. this entire journey is a series of highs and lows. i suppose, yes this is a "new normal" because with every day and every check-up there is good news and bad news. chemo side effects? minimal. but lump growing while on chemo? not-so-good news.
but, such is life?
with all my love to each and every one of you!
p/s: i started a blog (now how often is that code for self-indulgent ramblings, i apologise but wow its cathartic) it is at www.xmarksmyspot.wordpress.com
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You just said the magic words!!!!
The best thing you have written throughout this last month (and i might add an echo to all the others on what a terrific way you have with words)
You said ....."it is funny, how i've grown to depend on the kindness of strangers and the strength of this forum"........
See? You have grown so much already.
Everything that happens to us in last will affect us in the way that WE let it. If we want to, we can let it take control of our LIVES and keep us from living it.
I think it is a good thing for people to realize that ; we are NOT immortal. we ARE only here for a time........long short doesn't really matter. i know people who have been here until they were 90 and didn't half as much with their life as people who only stayed a short time.
Make it what YOU want....
You have no idea how much of an impact you yourself has been on so many others. With your words alone, you have helped others find what they needed to get stronger, face fear, say how they feel, etc. All these things are part of this journey that so many peopl have taken, and are still taking.........some for 20 something years.
LOL..........out of all my rambling, the main thing I wanted to say was...You inspire me.... Thank you
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you should write..I'm glad you started a blog and hope you write with the intention of publishing a book. your communication ability is such a gift.
"The first thing my mother said, when she found out was; well, whatever happens, happens and we will just deal with it together. Which has been, in 4 weeks of tumultuous ups and downs - the best thing anyone has said to me still"
My own mother (may she rest in peace) had a very peaceful, pragmatic view of life and considered it such a gift. She warmly said once.. I do hope you last long enough so your children will not be devastated by your death (I'm stage 4 and doing well). I think all the time about how I will prepare them to live on with sufficiency and joy. I've had cancer for 3 years now and am at 'peace' with it. it is what it is.
I look forward to reading your blog.
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redplasticboots, I am so glad you started this blog, you are a gifted writer, I will keep up with it, I've bookmarked it. Keep expressing yourself this way, it helps! We are all pulling for you, love ya girl!!
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Hey redplastic, don't listen to the misinformation out there. Keep writing and keep your chin up, you have the rest of your life to live.
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Redplastic,
I am just thirty days out from finding that I have mets to the bone. This is after 10 years of NED.
Your first post said everything that I have not been able to put into words. I go tomorrow to meet with the doctor to decide on a course of treatment ( if treatment is an option that I choose). I am much older than you and feel that I have already lived much of my life. But, I look around at all of my children and grandchildren ( 4 under 3 years ) and I feel that I am not ready to leave. Thank you for putting it into words.
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Redpalaticboots, If you substitute age for 20 for age 67, your post could have come from me. We all have these same feelings no matter the age.Your words express all the emotions that are inside me and that I myself cannot express for fear that someone will think me foolish.After all, I've had a life. No matter, I want more and I want more of the same tho I know it's not possible.I too envy my friends. I don't want this label on me.I feel that people look at me differently. Paranoia? Maybe, maybe not. I know when any of my friends was diagnosed I always felt so sorry for them. Now I'm one of them. I try to be philosophical, nothing is for sure, all we have is what we have , now.I make it a point to enjoy every day, not easy but I'm trying. I give lots of hugs and kisses to my family and friends. That always feels good.Things will get better for both of us.We're fortunate to be living in a time when medicine is making strides every day.I have 3 joint replacements and I still play competative tennis. This would have been unheard of 30 years ago.Give thanks for each day. You'll be surprised at how many more of them you're going to have.
Barbara
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