BC stole my friends

badmamajama

Hello Ladies,

Feeling very down today. You might call it a pity party. Before bc, I was very active in the neighborhood. I was on several tennis teams, ladies groups etc--you know full blown suburban life. During treatment, I continued to play tennis and participate in the neighborhood as much as I could. There were some major events I was unable to attend and now it's biting me in the butt. I hear all kinds of things my neighborhood and tennis friends are doing but I am no longer included. I have no idea why. I feel left out of life. I just want to get my life back. I am just so sad.

duckyb1

Don't wait to be asked.............maybe the fact you were the one who ceased to do some of the things you couldn't do................made them think, "you couldn't do anything"..............that being said make the effort, if it means that much to you, then you should do someting about it....................Its worth a try, if it means that much to you....Put on your "Big Girl Panties", and do whatever it takes to get back in the swing of things..............hugs.

badmamajama

Ducky--no offense but I have had "Big Girl Panties" on since I was dx in 09 through 8 rounds of chemo, one year of Herceptin and 2 surgeries ( one of which was to amputate my breasts). So there was a valid reason I was the one who "ceased to do some things". I don't think you get it. I hardly ever post and need someone maybe to say "I hear you--those ****   . I have made efforts during and after treatment. As you can see, I am still at my pity party-- Still sad and mad. Mad at my "friends" and mad at this d**** Cancer!

duckyb1

badmamajama..........I have had much sadness in my life, lost my father to cancer, 1 year later, my mother to cancer, and 7 years later my husband from Pancreatic cancer at 57, and now myself with cancer............Everyone is entitled to their Pity Party, but no one has the right to make it a 3 year event............and JBinok is right......you want your life back.............you got it back................sure you will always look over your shoulder waiting for the next shoe to drop.  Do you really think all of us think we're cured......................NO, we just go on from day to day, week to week, month to month and test to test hoping each one will be what we want to hear........The good news........read these threads..............many have lost the fight, many are close to losing the fight, others are still fighting the fight, and there are those of us who are just beginning to fight.................You have a choice to enjoy your pity party, or get in touch with those "so called friends, and tell them you want to see them...............The choice is yours....................I know what I would do..........Thank God you got this far, many haven't.

badmamajama

I realize that some may not get how I was feeling. Extremely tough few weeks that hit me all at once yesterday. Just wanted some empathy. Of course, I know the world didn't stop because I had cancer. And yes I am back on board today with a better outlook.

Ducky --I have read the boards and I have always hesitate to post. Knowing what some of these women are going through makes my troubles seem so trivial. Yesterday was just not a good day for me. I have not been at the pity party for 3 years. I live my life and for the most part don't let things bother me. I was overwhelmed.

duckyb1

badmamajama........I can understand completely how you are feeling.....I was exactly like you were, and do I have empathy for you ............ABSOLUTELY..............I also know the world does not stop for us because we have cancer. Trust me it took me just 2 months to figure that one out, but you will get your empathy and your understanding here...........Also if you haven't driven your friends away with what you call your " pity party", and they  discontinued to correspond with you, then honestly,,,,,,,,how good a friend could they have been. 

, I thought much with regard to my cancer being trivial compared to others.............Yes I found much comfort here when I first heard  the news, got good advice, and loved the ladies..........Then when I got my pathology back, I thought.............Gee, maybe I don't have the right to feel so "whoa is me"......my news was not bad compared to some of the other ladies, but then I said to myself "hey girlfriend you have no idea where this "cancer journey" is going to take you, so you come back often, because you too have cancer...............

I come here everyday,sometimes I laughat what I I read, and sometimes, I cry .  There are days when the news is bad I think..............oh my God, that could be,...............then there are days when I read all the wonderful things these surviivors have done, and I think "WOW, that could be me"..............So please hang in there..........Have your bad days , but make sure you have more good ones............I know its not easy to put on  that happy face, but remember what you see in the m;irror is a reflection of who  you are...............We are all here for you, we will not join your  "pity party", but we will try to "lift you up when we can"..........We all have a "hill to climb", and a "cross to bear"........... don't be a stranger, come back often.............all of us have a "story to tell"............Hugs to you.

Wabbit

badmamajama ... just sending some (((hugs)))  The 'practical' advice has already been given.

We all get down and stressed once in awhile ... sometimes it helps to just vent and get a little support from others who have been there too.

You might want to check out the "I'm bitchy, I moan, I groan" thread.  Looks like a good place to get some acknowledgement of the 'suckiness' of it all, a hug or two, and some good humor in the process.  

Glad to hear you are feeling better! 

badmamajama

WhiteRabbit---Thank you so much. You nailed it. Will check out that thread. What a lovely person you are--Made my day

Letlet

Badmamajama...i too feel so so so very sad some days. I know how you feel.

Letlet

No offense but whenever i step out of my door everyday, it's like braving a different world now. I put on a strong face as much as i can, smile and try to not fall apart today because people don't know what i'm going through and neither do i know what they are. But behind closed doors where i can share how i feel with women who are going through the same thing and vent and share these private thoughts and feelings the last thing i needed to hear is 'put your big girl panties on'. I can get that from people who come up to me and said 'you'll be fine' without ever experiencing cancer in their lives at all.

anonymice

badmamajama, we ALL go through that once in a while...I am annoyingly Pollyanna-esque in general (don't mean to be, just natural LOL), and it happens to me too now and again.  It's normal, and natural to feel that way.  People are WEIRD about cancer because of the massive suckitude of it all, I guess.  

I know you're just looking for support right now but do know that your neighborhood friends are just typical idiots who don't know what to say - it's not you, it's your cancer.  

Another good thread is "Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?"  It happens to SO many of us, and is another good place just to vent.  

Big hugs,

Pam 

vmudrow

Badmammajamma - Hey I play tennis too - and while I don't have a cancer diagnosis I have been in and out of my tennis group for the past year because of my masectomies, played a little with the TEs, and then out again when I had exchange surgery.  So now I have been playing with them, but they haven't invited me to play league this summer.  Granted I am not playing that great, but still.  I am going to try to make the effort to do more things with them - like go to lunch etc.  Good luck with you.  Do you play league - if so what level?  Hugs, Valerie

cs34

badmamajama,

you have every right to feel the way you do. what a roller coaster ride this is.

i unfortunately had a funeral last August and basically, (i felt as if) my entire high school was there. my hair was short and dark and i've gained a lot of weight. People ran from me. and i almost want to say that they litterally ran from me...or that's how i felt. they were clueless what to say so it made them feel better to not face me.  

bottom line, people/outsiders/insiders/strangers/loved ones DON'T know what to do with us. i believe it's on an individual level on how people respond to us.

i just told two of my friends last week that they basically left me sitting on my couch while i had the chemo weekends and one said she knew it but she just couldn't face it and the other was absolutely astonished i felt that way and said, "wow, i'm really sorry. i thought i was doing all that i could for you." and we moved on but two entirely different reactions. like i said, i believe it's on an individual basis as to what response we'll get----from everyone. 

have your pity party. you're entitled. i gave myself three days and then i had to move on from it.

and maybe they really thought you would reach out when you were ready. maybe they felt bad to push you so with that, tell them you're feeling strong enough to do this or that and see where it goes.

wishing you well.  

pj12

Some people are lucky enough to have friends and family who really rise to the occasion when they find out about the cancer DX. It isn't that way for all of us.  My adult children want to pretend my cancer diagnosis is no big deal... and they are probably right. I think it is a defense mechanism for them. My DH wants to be supportive but I, who know his inner self, can see that he resents how treatment has consumed our life the past two years. I can hang out with my friends but figured out RIGHT AWAY that they only wanted good news. No tears, no fears.

I've had to reach inside of myself for the strength and support that I would like to have had  from other people. Congratulation to those who have had friends or family who brought dinners, went to treatments with them, sent cards, made phone calls, cheered them up when they were down, and were "there" for them. But God Bless we who have had a pretty lonely course. 

Accept the people around you for what and who they are and what they have to give. Take pride in your personal strength.  Seek comfort and council from your sisters on BC.org who are generally sympathetic and understand the dark moments. I have sure had them, as have most of us! The truth is I was probably not the friend I should have been to someone going through a difficult time. Breast cancer has sure taught me a lot! I could do a better job now. Just hope no one I know needs me in that way!

(((HUGS)))  

duckyb1

Letlet....................Like I said, I am no stranger to cancer...............Not sure how many people you have lost in your family to this dreaded disease, but I have lost way too many..........I watched the man I loved more then life itself go from 174lbs down to (hold on how did the funeral director who worked on him say it "he was lucky if he was 100 lbs.), so don't make it look like I have no pity for every cancer patient on this site.........................Oh yea, that's right........I have cancer too............We alo have our down times..........God knows I have had more then my share, but if you let it consume you, then cancer takes over..............There is nothing worse for cancer then stress, and allowing yourself to get too far down, will only make things worse......My husband on his worst days would say to me "Wow, I have to get out my big suspenders today"....So I have to put on my "big girl panties", to get through this friggin monster that came into my body "uninvited".............and will do its damndest to stay..........and if avoiding stress at any cost helps me get rid of it, then guess what  I'll put "suspenders on my big girl panties" if I have to............

I was fortunate, and still am that I have a loving family, who was there for me when I lost their father, and are there for me through this ordeal.............Even though sometimes we don't think it.........but there are many people worse off then we are............Shall we discuss Japan...........................hugs to all the ladies.

Letlet

Ducky I read your posts before I posted mine so I know and read that you have lost many people to cancer and including your husband. I wouldn't even begin to know how that would feel and I am sorry that you have to deal with it yourself now. I just felt that badmamajama was having a bad day or "moment" because of BC and everyone is entitled to that! She wanted sympathy/empathy at the moment that she posted. You can tell from her next posts how hurt/upset she was from the reaction that she got from you. I never said that you have no pity for every cancer patient on this site! You yourself said "we all have our down times", well she was having hers. What makes us assume that she's been having her "pity party" since 2009?? I'm sure she does put on her big girl panties when needed (from day 1) if not all the time and so do I and does not need to be told to do when she is having a bad day/moment.

Alpal

Badmamajama -  I know exactly how you feel. Boy, I'm sure glad I never posted about it! Life goes on and people just don't think. I was Stage IV at diagnosis and pretty sick for a while. Had to decline many invites, etc. Much to everyone's surprise, I'm still here and doing well. My "old gang" really doesn't know what to do with me. It's been a total surprise to me, because if I'd broken my leg they would have rallied around me. People are strange. When one of them sees me they say "How are you, really" and I say, "I'm fine" because that's what they want to hear. I don't tell them I'm still on chemo even if I have hair. Nor do I tell them I'll always be on chemo. I depend on them for nothing and when one includes me or shows some support, it's a nice surprise.

Like you, I have my big girl panties on and don't need any reminders to wear them. Hopefully the nice weather will give you an opportunity to get out and show the neighborhood that you're back in good form and ready to resume your life.

Warm hugs from me.

hrf

Badmamajama, I totally understand how you feel and do empathize. We are all entitled to our down days they come and they go. Most of do our best to go back to our old (or better) life and for the most part do succeed. But sometimes there is so much effort in resuming life, that we have moments when we just run out of energy and we have a pity party. This is the only place where people understand. While I know there are others who have things worse than I do, my pain is my pain and that's what I have to deal with. I hope you are having some better days

badmamajama

Letlet- -I think you could be my new BBF. You totally get it. It was a moment in time and I really needed support. I am feeling better today. I was upset my the first responses. But, I see now that you and others got where I was coming from. Honestly needed support--wasn't sending out invites to my pity party. I have not invited my friends or even my husband to my "PP", --No one knows I have been feeling this way except you ladies.  I just thought posting here someone would get it and you did Thanks!

PaminWV,CS34,PJ123,Apal ,Vmudrow--You ladies are great--Thanks I really appreciate you letting express my feelings.

badmamajama

Hrf--if there was a "like'" button on this board put me down for a double---thank you

duckyb1

Letlet......................Yes I used the term "pity party", because badmamajama used it first, not a phrase I would use, but we all have our different way of saying things and that is ok........She said , if you go back and read it..................I have made efforts during and after treatment, and I am still at my "pity Party.......still sad, and still mad, at her friends, and at cancer.............The big word here is "still", ..............It is 2011, she used the word "still", so I can only assume she has been mad, and sad for 3 years, and having a Pity Party for that long too..............

I feel very sorry for her.  My heart goes out to her, but she has to help herself to get out of this state of mind she is in, and if she truely feels that bad...........nothing I can say is going to change her anger............  Also she didn't make it sound like it was up and down days.....It appeared from what she said that they were all down.......................Maybe you didn't read closely enough when I told her.......bad days are ok, just so long as she has more good ones then bad.............I understand clearly how she is feeling, I just don't want her to get so far down, she don't come back...............and sometimes the sympathy can work against what your trying to do..............and you just make it worse.......I meant no harm, that is not my style.........God knows we all need love and understanding, and from here on in I will give none of my feelings to anyone...................

badmamajama

Ducky--To clarify all this nonsense I was "still" mad and sad. I felt like the few responses at the time were things we all know. If you miss understood my post, I am sorry. I have not been at a pity party for 3 years . I did post earlier that it was a bad day. Sometimes things hit you all at once . Letlet and the other women understood were I was comig from and  provided what I was looking for--empathy.  I am not going down so far  I can't come back---It was moment in time that I felt overwhelmed. As I said, I am in a better place now

duckyb1

badmamajama......... I am happy you are in a better place..........I am sorry if I minimized your situation, but i did not mean to........I was just trying to say "we all have bad days, but I guess the "still" word, and a 2009 dignosis had me concerned..........

I have had many bad days............I still cry for my husband when things overwhelm me, and he will be dead 20 years........................The "big girl panties" line came from my mother, who died of colon cancer.  I was 49, and had a terrible time handling her diagnosis, as I was very new to cancer at the time. (I was an only child) and she raised me alone, so we were close.  It was very new to cancer then, so it hit me like a ton of bricks, so trying to play "good soldier" in front of her was hard........but when she would see me in the morning (she moved in with me), she would say " everyday "Good morning sunshine, well do you have your "big girl panties" on today.......meaning smile, this to will pass.

I'm an old lady who will be 76 on Easter sunday........I have lived my life, but I'm sure you are much younger then that ......I just get the feeling I have daughters your age, and I thank God everyday that it is me with the cancer and not them.

I did understand where you were coming from, how could I not, I'm in the boat with you.  I meant no harm, and please consider me "a friend", we all need each other, and I'm glad you got back to me and let me know your "ok".............Have a wonderful Easter, and have many more good days then bad.................Prayers and hugs to you........

anonymice

Ducky, I think both the blessing and the primary problem with this forum is that we all have breast cancer.  So, we can understand one another in ways that other people just can't - and yet, we are all at times under great stress.  And since we're all human, we definitely don't always have the right words. It has happened to me, I know, and to most people I suspect.

Have a wonderful Easter!   

duckyb1

Thanks PaminWV, I just hope badmamajamma is ok, and you have a wonderful Easter too...

anonymice

Well she wrote that she is fine and was just having a bad day, so I'm positive that's the case.

LtotheK

I learned along this highway that interpersonal stuff can be pretty primitive.  A lot of folks don't want to be held back, or reminded that life does indeed get tough.  They know their time will come, and they really don't want to deal with it now.  I found that even "good friends" had this attitude.  And I think it extends in a lot of directions--having people move "past" us is part of it.

I hear you.  I feel like my part time job, in addition to my extremely demanding full time one is managing my health.  Participating in normal activities sometimes feels Herculean.

I'm a tough lady (I think all of us hear that crud way too much: "oh, you are so strong", but in my case, I am the "get the leg caught in the bear trap, chew leg off and keep going" type).  But small things will sometimes push me over.  I cried at The Office the other day!  And I ain't crying for the show, I was crying about the fact they were being nice to each other.  A lot of my high-powered friends called a couple of times, then...poof.

I honestly don't know what to do about it, other than to suggest trying as hard as we can, and not letting people make us so sad and angry we make ourselves sick.  The hot flashes and chronic Tamoxifen back pain are enough, thank you very much.

duckyb1

LtotheK...........You are so right and that was the point I was trying to make meaning, as hard as it is, don't let friends get you down, or hold you down, and they sometimes do.  When others say  "they mean well, they just don't know how to handle it, or know what to say to you, or do for you"........I'm not buying it........Think before you talk...anyone with cancer, not just the ladies with breast cancer, but every cancer patient, only needs someone to say "is there anyway I can help you, and "mean it damn it", don't just make it a part of your greeting........

In my 76 years on this good earth , I have learned 1 thing.,...........you don't say "let me know if there is anything I can do", you say   "this is what I can do", then do it, even if it only a trip to the supermarket.........a drive to Rads............a cup of tea..............anything.

I have shed more tears then I care to talk about........Do I feel sorry for myself sometimes.  You bet your ass I do,,,,,,,,,,have I ever said or thought "why me", never..................I just try to see if there is a message in all this............God is good............this did not come from him.

I cried last night when Carrie Underwood sang "How Great Thou Art" on the show "Girls Night Out".............So I am not without tears, or down times.............but I try not to let it get too bad..........I thought I would never come back from the day the BS said to me "I am sure this tumor I see is malignant"...........I didn't eat, or get out of my robe other then to go to the Dr's for days..........I sat and looked into space, no tv, no radio, and saw myself over the toilet bowl, thowing up with no hair..............My husband died 20 years ago, from cancer, an very young, so I was living those days over as soon as they said "cancer"

But here I am now at Rads on Monday, another venture in my trip down the cancer road, but with the help of my wonderful children, and grandchildren, I will make it through, I have to for them........they are counting on me to do this, and I will.

YOu ladies are so wonderful, and also if not for all of you, your support, compassion, love, and advice getting to here would have been impossible.........thank God for you all.  Hugs.

debbie6122

Badmamajamma- ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) You are Intitled to have a pity party, we all do and thats whats great about this forum, not just for advice but for support to help us get through those bad days.

One of my bf's didnt call or check up on me during my chemo tx's she later told me she couldnt handle it, I was hurt and still am but realize It wasnt because she didnt care, Im sure the reason why you havnt been invited for events is maybe because they think you aren't ready yet, some people think we are fragile. Maybe you should contact them and let them know you are feeling good and wold like to get back in the swing of things! Glad you are feeling better!

AnnNYC

badmamajama -- hope you're having a great weekend.

duckyb1

AnnNYC........The reference said "today", and later on when she answered she said "still"........Maybe you don't realize I was concerned about her welfare, and her down state of mind which seemed from what I read that she was "still" down, and was expressing it as being more "today".............

I said I was sorry if I hurt her feelings.......anyone with cancer would know that another cancer patient certainly would not try to make "small" what they have, or are going through........The big girl panties thing is a very old experssion..........Read further back, I'm not a stranger to cancer....not just me, but people I love, 3 to be exact all with 7 years. and 1 was my husband who was 57..........I know about cancer 1st hand, and now its me, so don't dare tell me I would ever not have sympathy for another cancer patient.......................Obviously you need to read further also to see that I did explain, and apologize to her............Her and I have let it go, so many you should too.........................