INSOMNIACS place to talk in the wee hours

sas-schatzi

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Duncan and Sons produced the Ellrose pattern in the late 1800's. This elegant Daisy & Button paneled Serving Bowl is in beautiful condition and an excellent way to serve up a favorite dish for the holidays. The crystal clear glass sparkles. The upper edge is deeply scalloped; the patterned panels of the bowl form high peaks that

gillty98

dyanbrooks> you took the words right out of my mouth. This is my first night on because i just decided that i needed to make this night productive and read up on my Google search " depression after breast cancer". I've been up crying the past few hours. This was mainly triggered by single motherhood issues with my 11 year old son. I'm in the reconstruction process after a double mastectomy and is considered "cancer free". I just got my implants last Friday. I'm passed the pain almost. .i have some discomfort and these drains are keeping me home bound since i can't drive. I'm glad i found this forum because besides my mom, i have no one i feel i can trust with my true feelings about my experience. And i don't want to burden my mom because I'm sure she's exhausted from taking care of me last year. ..she still continues to take care of me of course because that's what mothers do. I feel ashamed for not being strong enough at times. There are people who have gone through worse and who have lost their fight all together. So i don't mean to sound ungrateful with my whining but i only know how i feel and some days i can't get away from feeling insufficient. ..inadequate. ..weak. people praise you for being strong for surviving cancer but do they know that the dark cloud still lingers overhead? God bless them! And i love them for being supportive. But i feel lonely even though i know I'm not the only one suffering through these depressive thoughts. I know this post is scattered but I'm tired from crying and my thoughts are running together. Luckily I'm going to my doctor next week and will ask her if this tamoxifen is causing some depression. I think being inactive and stuck in this house for the past week is not helping.

Thanks for starting this forum. I'm sure I'll be checking in again

feelingfeline

Dyan, can you get a doctor to sign you off work? Does not sound right that you should be at work while dealing with burn like that.

Spookiesmom

I had the bad burns blisters and oozing mess from rads too. Yes, it hurts. I got a week off to heal, did boosts, then finished regular rads. Doc gave a rx for silvadine, really healed fast. Of course you're tired. Physically and emotionally worn out. It's a rough ride. Is there any way you can get a few more weeks off to just chill? If not, just do the bare basics. Ignore the dust bunnies! Let the kids do dishes and laundry. You still have to take care of you!

Chevyboy

So Spookie, what IS this? It sounds like you live in the Wild Wild West! You said "fruit rats"??? You mean Fruit Flies? They are probably related. You guys in Florida have the strangest creatures!

Now Dyane.... Don't you go worry your pretty little head none.... We're all here to stand with you.... You said you feel "broken".... that's a good way of putting it... I think we all do/did.... and you don't want any support? Or advice?

Nope.... I gotta do this.... We gotta support you, because we are all in the same boat, or were, and we know what is going on... especially me, since I am older than any of these gals...

I don't know neuropathy, but I know a lot of these gals are in the same boat. Radiation burned you? You know what I did? I have this Mink Oil. Yep, the kind from Kiwi! It helps so much, with any kind of skin problems. Also any type of Desitin... Zinc-oxide... Try that... You could even use cut Aloe Vera leaves...

Can't you just tell your boss you "have issues".... and he isn't helping! Work it out with him... That's one worry off your mind.

Oh? Here's "gillllllllty".... I kept thinking you were saying "glitter" or trying to! It's always nice to see someone else we can talk to! You just stay right here...

Don't go crying anymore.... it just makes us feel bad... See, if your Son sees you crying, it makes him feel bad too... So try and stay happy-faced for him, but come here and just talk to us...

I don't like to talk to family about things that hurt me... they TRY to help, but then I worry about THEM feeling bad....

I ALWAYS feel "weak".... mostly because of .... oh wait.... it's 2 years ago tomorrow that I fell and broke my hip! But that's over with... I feel inadequate because I'm getting too old to dance and move around like I used to... but that's only natural.....

I AM sufficient though! I have to watch over my Husband... make HIM feel sufficient and un-depressed!

Tamoxifen??? You say Tamoxifen??? Don't even get me started. Some can do it, but some can't.... And you are stuck in YOUR house? Can you drive? Just get out.... don't go hanging around your house with all those feelings.... Go get a chocolate coke and fix up some biscuits and gravy.... Do something that makes you happy.

Okay.... I'm so sick of Winter I could scream.... Been saving tomato seeds and ordering new varieties... I look forward to Spring, and working in my gardens....

Went to see our old neighbor Theresa yesterday.... I took a lot of those women in the Assisted Living those ruffled scarves I have made.... It makes them SO happy! They are sitting there in their wheel-chairs, and I walk up, and talk to them, and they smile, and I give them a scarf, and their eyes just light up their face! I ask them if they would like one, then I put it around their neck, and they are so THANKful! It really puts things in perspective.... Just something to put a little sun-shine in their day...

Okay gals... gotta go get another cup of joe... BBL....

Chevyboy

Chevyboy

Okay.... I have to get back on my pole now.........carry on girls.......

Jazzygirl

Dyan and Gilty- just wanted to say hugs to you sisters. Just wanted to say this all happens so fast from dx to treatment. You get spit out on the other end with a whole lot of physical and emotional things to recover from.

And honestly, there is nothing anyone does to prepare you for what happens on the other side of treatment. I think it is the part of cancer care and support that is sorely lacking for women. Please know you are not alone with this experience. And the emotions tend to catch up with you in time. I remember a lot of crying after I finished rads and as I tried to find my new normal.

I know you are not looking for advice, so just wanted to share my experience and perspectives from when I went through after treatment. We are here for you any time you need to talk.

sas-schatzi

Welcome here Dynabrooks and Glitty, Sorry that you are going through this. It sucks. This does say Insomniacs, but we are a 24/7 thread. Yakking all the time.

PTSD and depression are common with BC. Please, consider getting a counselor. Most Cancer centers have people on staff or they can refer you to that have training to work with cancer patients. It's important to make sure a counselor does have that training. The origin of our depression is different and therefore counseling is different.

Dyna, do you have a Human Resources Department/ personnel? If you do talk with them. HR departments are very aware of the rules related to medical stuff. My department told me if anyone put pressure on me to return to work, I was to report them. They stated all communication was to go through them and my bosses weren't even allowed to call me. They did twice, I could have reported them , but chose not too. The point being if you do have a department, use them. If not that makes it a bit more complicated. Others here may have some suggestions.

On the burns, Spookie's suggestion re: Silvadiene is a goodie. I have a link to a wound thread I worked on a lot (i'm an old nurse). Scroll through it. I have a section describing how to use Silvadiene. It's a great product and been around for decades, but they're is a special way to use it.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/44/topics/754935?page=1

sas-schatzi

Glitty, Your worry about your 11 year old son, is so heavy on the heart. I suggest you scroll through the beginning of this thread and look for the posts from Thatslife. She was from Australia or Auckland. She had a similar problem. What she found very comforting was she developed a plan early on re: who would take care of her daughter if she passed away. She was early stage when she made this plan. The person she chose became involved in their lives. A threesome. Her thought was that whatever the future brought her daughter would deal with it better having such a close relationship with her friend. She did develop bone mets, but was doing well with it. This is meant to make you sad. Knowing your son has someone in his life that you chose and everyone knows the plan will bring you comfort. She left BCO b/c she had several people stalking her. I only say that b/c I don't want you to think it was b/c she passed away.

sas-schatzi

Loverly, I do love the glass, I have been told that I bore people here with it and no one cares. But others have said they enjoy it. Then the giving is so much fun. Plus, it's saving them from oblivion I know you enjoy it. Have you started junking?

sas-schatzi

Not the best pic. Duncan and Sons produced the Ellrose pattern in the late 1800's. It's daisy's & buttons with alternating clear panels. 1.75 This junk store is a gold mine. Haven't thrifted so many old pieces in such a short time ever. Nor been able to find the names.

sas-schatzi

glennie19

welcome to dyan and gillty. These forums are a great place to rant and vent and say all the things you cannot say to family and local friends. We get it. We have walked a similar path that you have.

Dyan: sorry that you have neuropathy. Have they tried any meds for you? Lyrica, gabapentin? I have neuropathy from a different problem, and gabapentin has really saved me. If you are not on a med, I recommend asking for one. Sas has good advice about going to human resources,,, if you don't feel up to working full-time yet,, get a note from your doctor and tell HR. Your body and your mind have been thru A LOT. A week or two off with NO appt's would feel like a vacation. And NO housecleaning during this time. Only R & R,, if you can manage it.

gillty: do not feel ashamed or guilty. You are doing your bloody best!! It is a lot to deal with. and an 11 year old boy on top of all of this cancer crap. Hang in there.

Jazzygirl

Group hug on a friday afternoon

Smaarty

here's some more of Evie. This is a blanket I just ordered for them.

I'll probably be off for the week. You guys behave, but have some fun too! Susan, hope you're feeling better. Patty, I want to hear all the details when I get back. LOL, you make sure you watch out forChevy!

Jazzygirl

Smarty- Evie looks like she is doing great. Enjoy time away. Be safe!

Cubbie2015

Jazzy, I love the cactus. A group hug is definitely called for!

Eeyore07

Jazzy, love that group hug cactus! Did you take that picture

dyanbrooks

Thanks gals for your replies and hi! to gillty98. Still slept like hell last night, but I know - it's normal, it's normal, it's normal, it's normal, it's normal.

As a follow-up I SAS I did get the Silvadene cream and started using it couple days ago. It is hell getting off though when it is time to get ready for chemo. Oh, funny story -

i picked up the cream and the pharmacist wanted to talk to me about it. Well I wanted to talk to him too. Anyway, he gives me the scoop about putting it on and making sure to take it all off, then says, "in fact, try to take it off 24 hours before radiation to make sure it is out of your system." Huh? I must have looked like a crazy person. I say, "I'm really confused now, becauseI get radiation every single day." Then he looked shocked. "Really?" I say, "WEll, yeah. That's how it works." He tells me, "then do the best you can but make sure to keep it on at least for 24 hours before radiation"..... I truly felt like banging my head against the window. Put it on 24 hours ahead, leave it on for 24 hours, but take it off 24 hours before radiation. Got it! Hahahaha I did talk to the dr. and got the scoop, but it was worth a laugh. I confused laugh, but still a laugh.

Sorry ladies, and gents if any, but I must have made my boss sound like a troll. He's not. In fact he has been wonderful and very very very supportive. It's just that he is in same mind set - radiation done, all fixed. Back to life as normal. Today was my day off but I went in and talked to him about shrinking my schedule in half. Do half days. He was good with it, but now I understand where he was coming from. Apparently my FMLA ran out on the 31st, but HR neglected to tell me. I work retail so we are on a point system for absences. Each absence is 1/2 to 1 pt off. You get 9 and goodbye. But you earn one a month too. It works good. But you lose a pt even if you take sick time, which I didn't know. So I have been losing pts and not knowing it - even if they only schedule me 32 hours, I lose 1 pt for not working the full 40. It's complicated, but I get it now after a couple of years. So he thought that I KNEW my FMLA was up but didn't renew, and my negative pts are racking up He has been making excuses to mark me excused as much as he can, but can't do it all the time. So he was trying to subtly get me back to the 40 hours because he doesn't want to lose me. Needless to say my FMLA was reopened today - on the spot. All will be better AND I explained my mini-PTSD thingy I'm going through. He understands better. I guess I used that as an example but wasn't clear in my falling apart moment.

So on top of everything else, I am moving this weekend. Yep - can't stuff your life full enough of major situations when you just want to hide and chill. But my daughter is coming from Portland, OR (I'm in WA state on the east side) to help. AND she's pregnant! Yippy!!!!! My first grandbaby to get all blubbery about. Can't wait. So last year was tough, but I have a new home this year and a new grandbaby to look forward to.

See I'm doing ok for this moment in time. Don't be shocked if you hear from me in a couple of hours tho. hahahaha

Just really wanted to say thanks for the thoughts and not listening to my "no advice, no sympathy" blah blah blah. Bring it on. I need it. Maybe not so much advice, as SAS was great with the thread on silvadene, but I can use upbuilding stuff until I explode.

BTW - what's with the glassware? I know, I should go back and read all 1136 pages of the forum but..... pretty sure that won't happen. Easier just to ask the question.

Dy

sas-schatzi

dy I like glass, it's been my diversion from hell for years.

Loveroflife

Can't be silly tonite. Was going to write, but having this weird new pain on my right lower quadrant that came out of the blue. Will chat tomorrow. Love to all.

Chevyboy

Loverly.... you mean like your lower right quarter-panel? That's on my car.... I read from car-fax, that my car had a "repaired" right quarter panel before I got it... I also think that is where the Ambient air temp sensor is.... so that's probably why it isn't working. You know I NEED to know the temp out-side my car, in case I don't know it when I WALK to the garage to get in my car....

Now WHAT were you saying? You mean like where your ovaries are/were? I'll bet that's what it is.... I get those pains like every month when I used to have that girl-stuff going on... I think they stop about age 90.... so just a few more years.....

If I haven't nailed your pain problem yet, just let me know....

You see Dyane? I offer my advice for a mere sum of nothing.... So your FMLA must mean something beyond my comprehension.... You mean your boss is NOT a dick-head as previously noted! Okay, we'll go along with that.... Oh God.... you are MOVING? On purpose? I can't imagine ever moving further than out of the house into my gardens...... Even shopping doesn't count. Moving boxes of stuff downstairs to the garage is all the moving I want to do....

Congratulations on being an almost Grandma! THAT was my favorite time of my life... Being close to my Grandsons from the time they were born until they took up and MOVED to Orlando when the youngest was about 12.... STILL hard... but I had all those years and memories! This will be your favorite job! What shall we name him/her???

Sounds like Silvadene is in the same family as Elmers glue.... It used to be fun to spread that on, and peel it off... I'm thinking I would not use that, since the pharmacist went into cardiac arrest when you told him.....Aren't you supposed to put it on the outside? What are you guys DOing? You mean it's absorbed? I have to look this up... I don't know where y'all come up with these things..............

Gingerbrew

Hi Sas and everyone, here I am in my weird stay up later and later paRT OF MY MOST WEIRD SLEEP CYCLE. Sorry caps.

I fel asleep in my recliner this am and awoke at 3:10 this afternoon. I stood up and somehow fell over backward through the glasstop of our large spuare coffee table. I had papers and books on a lot of and that probably is what saved me from being cut up. I felt the glass breaking and giving way under me even after I was down. I couldn't move for a bit and it sure felt awful to feel that glass breaking. I am bruised and have an abrasion almost all on my left arm. I am glad I didnt die today it would have been sad for my husband to come home to. We will replace the glass with some kind of safety glass, today it broke into pieces which I think is dangerous.

I wonder why I cannot move for what seems forever when I fall. The last five times I have been unable to move for minutes and minutes, no popping back up for sure. It seems at first like my brain will not cooperate in mAKING A PLAN TO MOVE, cAPS AGAIN SORRY. I have an intention tremor in my hand and it just hops around the keys, you shoukd see how horrid mt writing in on my IPhone, pure craziness.

I read some things on home safety today aand will implement a number of the suggestions. I am 70 and guess I am officially a senior if falling and not being able to get up counts.

I hope you are all having a good weekend. Weather here is pretty much mid 50's day and mid 40's night with rain every day, spitting rain no downpours.

Hugs Ginger

Jazzygirl

Eyeore- I did not take the photo, it is off FB. Although I live in the desert (high desert), we don't have that type of cactus here. They are so cool. Glad you liked the photo. I think we could all use a group hug from time to time.

Dyan- yes, FMLA will take you so far. I like the idea of the PT work, that is what I did as I was doing my rads as well as for a bit after I finished treatment. I worked it out with my client (self employed) to do that and also work remote some of the time without ever saying what was going on; the benefit of self employment. I will say that working right after treatment was not easy, especially with the fatigue, but it was sort of a rope to pull me back into the world and be sure I had income, especially with all the bills that came with treatment.

One thing you are finding out that I found so hard to deal with after cancer treatment was the "you are done with treatment, everything is back to normal now". Because I kept my dx and the rest private from work, I did not have client comments to deal with, but did go through it with some in the family and friends. My standard response became "I had cancer folks, not the flu." The people who understand it best are either people whom have gone through treatment or those who have supported others in the past. So hang in there on that front and find your own way to tell people it is typical to feel tired for awhile after cancer treatment. I stayed away from people that I could who tried to judge, dismiss or put me on their own schedule for feeling better. It is not about them.

Your HR dept dropped the ball so it sounds like your boss is trying to make sure you still have your job. Does your company have one of those donation buckets? I was on FMLA years ago when my mother became very ill and needed to be away for a period of time. I used up all my PTO and then put in for some donations of PTO from other people. I was amazed with the kindness of strangers that helped. If your company has one, use it!

A move in the middle of all this, hugs sister. Glad you have a new home and grand baby to look forward to!

Spookiesmom

Have you thought about one of those "help I've fallen" alert systems? My mom had one, gave us both some peace of mind. Chevy needs one for when she trips over "rocks". Two years today

Teka

Blondie and Rosevalley............

Chevyboy

Oh yes it was Spookie! But I did better then they thought I would! I've heard it can be "life-changing" and dangerous for a person my age... but I showed them! Probably knocked some sense into me... It was just a hip....

Ginger...DANG! You're not supposed to DO stuff like that! You fell smack-dab on top of a glass table? Did you pass out? When my DH fell last month, he passed out, and fell over backwards also...! Then stood up and fell front-wards! Did you get checked out? As to why you fell?

We used to have a coffee table in front of our sofa... but moved it clear out.... Have a stand in between our sofa and his recliner.... That gives us more room to fall.....

Gingerbrew

Chevy yoou are so funny, "Gives us more room to fall!"

No i didnt go in, I didnt hit my head or I would have gone. I rtealized I had been asleep in my recliner and tried to stand up quickly because I needed to pee. Several months ago I hurried to get on the toilet in the morning and I passed out as a went to sit on the toilet. I rolled over forward with my shoulder hitting the edge of the wall next to the shower. I was dead in the water on that one too. At least I didnt go through the shower door. I am tall and have low blood pressure and when I was a kid I would get all wobbly when I stood quickly.

"Gives us more room to fall!" "Gives us more room to fall!" "Gives us more room to fall!" "Gives us more room to fall!" "Gives us more room to fall!"

Love it love it!

Ginger

Wren44

Ginger, I think that period when you can't move is your brain going what?! and then checking to make sure it's safe to move. You do have to remember to stand up slowly if your BP is low. Mine drops if I'm nauseated. Had to go in when I felt in the wastebasket and got a black eye. Someone researched falls in nursing homes and said most happened when the person was transitioning from one position to another, sitting to standing or walking usually. It would be scary for me if I were home alone when I fell. I never thought about leaving more room to fall. I'm not sure my house is large enough to do that.