Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

sas-schatzi

Kate-I love Carolyn Hax----she is so sensible for those that have sense. The two paths are so correct. Her statement "One of the things she said you can gain is"Recognizing that your vision of the relationship wasn't accurate". That is the hardest.  By bringing Hax's statement here even if it was meant about a spousal forgiveness. As you correctly identified it speaks to all Love  relationships. There are all kinds of love. A breach of that a love leads us on the path to "remorse or renewal" Blessings. ---TrueBFF and all.  That is a first a shock, no matter how long the friendship or family relationship. It, I believes, follows Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. written so long ago----Denial(shock), Anger, Bargaining( why haven't you called?-------In my case he's dying why haven't you called?), Depression -a loss of what you thought the relationship meant, Acceptance-either accept them back into your life or jettison them.

Once you have reached acceptance is where Hax's statement is so important. Out or in. Which each of us chooses is are own , for are own reasons. Once that choice is made, don't regret the choice and don't dwell on it. Let it be done.

 Here we can can tell our stories----some call it venting , some call it ranting.

 It is, but a story that we tell because we can, finally say it to someone who understands. We get no recriminations for what we have said. We may get advice, but rarely will anyone say you were wrong. They may give a different slant on the story, but will not deny your feelings about it.

JulieLynn

Sas - So well said!  I am so grateful to have found all of you - It's been so helpful to know that I'm not the only one dealing with these issues.  Hugs to all of you!!

truebff

Sas, what you said means so much, so important in our understadning of others and also our need to share our cancer expereinces genuinely and fully and fully supported.

Thank you for your important contribution to this thread.

sas-schatzi

JUlie and Truf Thank you for your words, but please , this and other threads are places to write your words . I write long missives because it is an outlet for anger, love, advice, whatever. You each have it within you to do the same . Let it flow. It's so important. We have so much in us that hast to be told. So, many don't believe that they can't guide or be a resource. We are here together, whatever you find is a resource that helped you , you can guide another one too.

 I came as a regretful rookie. Took me awhile to learn the flow. I had no guide or teacher. I blundered in and stuck my foot right away in my mouth. It's better not to do that. LOL-----I offended everyone on the site , thinking I was protecting someone. DUH

It is so helpful to the heart to keep talking, let it be you, you have words to say, you have words to scream.Words bind us and can drive us appart. But here on BCO we are bound. We care. We talk. My words are lenghty b/c they are and that is my need. You can too. It's important to empty our beings of this hateful thing. But it is also important to try to bring solace to another who suffers the same. ---------If you do not believe that you have words to bring comfort to another BC friend watch the active topics. In that, you will find a woman seeking help on the first day of dx, that is scared. You can become a guide if you choose too.     Bless you Namaste sheila

Galsal

Thank you for writing those possible statements from others about a crisis or illness. In my short time of dealinig with this, have already experienced a few of those.  Sad to say it.

sas-schatzi

Galsal what is your need?

Carmelle

I remember being blown away by this. Those whom you think will be there and closest support drop off the charts. Other whom maybe I thought would back off or weren't that close came forward.

Before diagnosis...My best friend practically cried because I had to have a mammogram and I was not even worried it was BC. Then when I told her I had BC and needed Bilateral, chemo etc...She was angry that I didn't come to her party. 2 days after diagnosis.

I guess it separates who is who for you. I still keep that in mind when assessing relationships today. Pay attention to those who are wonderful and remember them.

Anonymous

Carmelle- I love your last line- "Pay attention to those who are wonderful and remember them."  For me, it was my DH, Mom and sister and I tell them over and over how much it meant that they were there for me every step of the way.  I think a lot of people just assume we have others in our life who will step up not realizing it's them we're counting on, too.

Rennasus

Just read through all the updates, some great (and golden) kernals of advice from (and for) everyone!

Kate, I found what you said to be very true ... a lot of people "assumed" that other people were helping me, that because I had a DH that I was being well cared for (which was true most of the time but hey, DHs are human too!) and — here's the biggie — that if I needed them, I would call and ask for their help.

I've written about this before (and I know many will relate), but it's hard enough going through a cancer diagnosis and treatment let alone summoning the energy, chutzpah and vulverability to call up a friend and ask for their help! Some have no problem doing that, but I would venture to guess that many more of us do have difficulty asking for help. And that complicates the situation we are in.

Going through cancer has taught me to reach out to friends who are going through health (and other) issues — and to continue doing so. Because none of this ends when the healing begins. It actually never really ends. That's why BCO and all these threads serve such an important purpose.

Galsal

I guess I wanted to be able to talk with her.  Just having a little pitty party on that.  We've been close for almost 10 years and then to barely talk with me.  She was the biggest one saying, "oh, i've had those biopsies...it will be nothing".  Thought just now...she might feel guilty at not being serious enough about that.

We'll see.  Thanks for asking schatzi.

sas-schatzi

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/765586?page=1

To all this is a link to OMG THEY FOUND A CURE FOR STUPID. It rivals the original Saturday night live------Good use for the incontinent pads. Start from page one,read a few a day. Around page 40 some one called us a bunch of clacking hens and some other not nice thoughts. She just didn't get the humor. Too bad. She would have been better for it.

Well after that the clucking started and has gone ever since. Enjoy.  If I'm repeating myself please forgive be brain damage duh.

sas-schatzi

A few seconds ago sas-schatzi wrote:

 TO ALL          OK went to Moffit today- There are 17 NIH cancer centers in the USA---Moffitt is one-----After contact with all their people------I was undecided-----then I remembered my proactive stance the last time with going for the elective BMX  which saved my life-------I then went------duh----what are you waiting for-----out it comes. ------------Now have to work on scheduling.
At one point I said to the doc "I'm tired of cancer, I'm tired of talking about cancer, I'm tired of waking up in the morning worrying about cancer," Then I think the clincher was he said if I was 30 they would remove it , but at my age(61) they would wait till it was larger. I'm thinking bad words at this point In my mind . Then he starts talking about it negatively impacting someone's life. I say" Doc If I were to ask you on a date right now and then have to say -------well , I have this brain tumor that's being watch for cancer---what would you do" Clicked my fingers as the hand waved backwards and went PHFTT with my lips. He is a serious doc -------He leaned back and laughed.

He is also, the first doc that when asked this question which is important to my type of  brain tumor."Can you tell me that b/c it doesn't have a mass effect or edema that it's not producing estrogen and is not malignant-----His response was "No" Only doc that would commit to that statement. Give him great credit and respect for that.

I  said "I can't move on with my life till we know this is negative." One way or the other I have to tell the truth should I meet someone. Until a pathology report is in I can't do that."---------

Then on the way home, I got near a weepy spell , just  then I realized I was going to Ocala and not home--------took and extra hour , but gave me time to think and resolve. Bean is going to be history. I will add to that Bean will be history before I am.

Now I am amazed that I did not end up in a trauma unit b/c the expressway traffic is crazy. It's like Miami-------Everyone exceeds the speed limits by 20 to 40 miles per limit.Weaving in and out.

 Chrissy will so get this b/c we went to Miami together-----------totally nuts

 I'm going to C&P this to several threads. For all that have prayed thank you, for all that cared about what I was going to do with Bean, thank you, my resolve is strong without reservation, Sometimes a wrong turn can turn out right. L&H's Namaste sheila

sas-schatzi

Bump

sas-schatzi

This thread is important to keep going because we have all lost friends that we thought were stalwarts in our lives.=============then they --went to no where, they did what ever--------many years of connectedness> dissolved. Anger, grief, disbelief that they could leave us. If the thread doesn't continue then what it means is w/m have found different threads to express what this means to them. That's okay with me. I'll bump it this time. if people don't find it a place that they want to be------then the thread shall die------------not a problem----------many threads on BCO die ----------a thread survives b/c those on that thread find a need that is satisfied. Talking about the loss of a friend is debilitating--------makes us sad------------here we can vent our anger at them. there our other threads to do the same......... Whatever your choice----let it be

AussieSheila

My first experience with the friends/acquaintances phenomena was when my 10 yr old daughter was dxed with a malignant brain tumour, 24 yrs ago.

To say I was surprised by the number of friends who became invisible and the acquaintances who stood up to be counted would be an understatement............I was utterly gobsmacked! 

Friends to whom I could talk for hours in a supermarket or on the phone, would melt around corners in the mall if they saw me coming...........and I saw them too, too many times to be mistaken as I pushed my bald, brain damaged daughter along in her wheelchair.  I consoled myself with the knowledge that I didn't have time any more to stand around chatting nonsense.  Those who wanted to chat only wanted to know how badly 'damaged' DH was to pass on at the next gossip fest.

The very few people, some were neighbours I had only nodded to in passing, whose actions spoke much louder than words became best friends of ours and we showed our appreciation after the worst of the trauma was over with suitable gifts of acknowledgement for those I call "Kellie's Angels."

Much the same thing happened in a different town eight years later with my dx.  So, I could say I have learnt not to rely on people too much, then I get a nice surprise if they turn into my 'Angels.'

Sheila.

truebff

I'm glad you bumped this topic. It's a hard one, but one that we need to address and readdress when it happens to us. I think almost every Friday afternoon at least a little about this loss. Friday afternoons were marked down for best friend time - the time when my old best friend (far away for many years, but close as a phone call) and I used to talk on the phone every week. I admit I miss it and her. It was a hard thing, stepping back to rethink this, for me. But she said she couldn't deal with my cancer, and, for me, I had no choice. I am starting to see myself on the other side (not there yet but every day a little closer hopefully) but I still believe friends don't leave friends in trouble and I have a hard time with it happening.

I understand that some people, who never matured as most people do, are just too needy themselves and they identify another's trouble with "attention" - that they aren't getting. That's a failure to have matured.

I also understand that some people just can't "face it" - it brings on too much fear they have.

So, I have some understanding and compassion. But it still is a loss to have to go through a hard time without a person or persons you thought would always be there for and with you through thick and thin. It's a double loss for someone going through cancer.

I'm very blessed in that I too have had people come out of the woodwork and show up for me. W.O.W. I have my good strong husband and our families and many friends. And I have the best of the best of the best friends ever in this family of survivors and bc women who are walking next to me.

And I realize that tough times sometimes wean out the true of the true and all that comes with that.

But, for whatever reason, I still wake up some days and just mourn and miss my old bff and wonder...

Rennasus

Cancer forces us to put our friends through a giant sifter. Sometimes the friends who know us best end up slipping (or jumping!) through the mesh.

Cancer definitely did *not* bring me closer to some people the way going though heartache, or dealing with death, or financial hardship had in the past.

Some relationships pre-BC were obviously not as strong as I thought they were. And that really feels like a slap in the face after a cancer diagnosis...

vivvygirl

Have just run into my best friend??!!! of 19 years at the supermarket . Barely have seen her for 18 months. She must have had an off day and didn't manage to hide and avoid me today . She starts telling me about how she doesn't see anyone now days because of her busy career. Live in a small community and I know that she spends every weekend and more with another friend??!! . I used to be included in that group and we would do things . I just look at her and think you are lying to my face . These people were there in the beginning but not now . Just want to know when it will stop hurting.

Anonymous

I find it hard to not hold a grudge against some of those who weren't there for me.  A couple of them are now going through their own issues (bad car accident/knee surgery/divorce) where they need help and I find myself less than sympathetic.  And funny how they have suddenly found my phone number again.  I have helped them out a few times so far but find myself really resentful.  I hate feeling this way.

CarolnLA

Hi,

  When I was dx my bff was out of town.  When she got back I expected she would be coming over and calling often, she did very little and I was hurt.  But when I had my reconstruction  2 years later it was like she more then made up for it.   She and I had at one time work together but she had left and then retired later on.  She went back to my work and volunteered to help do my job for a few hours a day a few times a week to help out.  She told me that initially it frightened her to find out I was sick and she didn't want to face that she might lose me, but I think she knew she had disappointed me and so tried to make up for it.  I found that out with several people, they didn't know what to say or do so they just didn't.  Sometimes it is just ignorance on their part, yet there were those who just seemed to fade from the scene never to reappear, which made me realize that how I perceived the relationship was obviously not the way they did and so I  learned to let it go. I lost a few so call friends along the way but gained some new, better ones.

MaryinIllinois

I am so glad I found this thread! I also had the same experiences as you all-- the "cancer groupies", the best friend who all of a sudden can't manage more than a text message, the folks you barely knew who sent cards or mail of support.

I find myself having a hard time letting go of my anger at those people who just didn't seem to have time. I'm not expecting much, but a phone call or email while I had chemo would have been nice. Sometimes I think I should just tell them, but not sure this "scorched earth policy" would exactly work (wouldn't have anybody left to talk to!)

Anybody else able to forgive and forget?

Mary 

truebff

I also lost my same bbf many years ago when I miscarried twins.  She "couldn't take that" either. More than a decade later, I was overjoyed to welcome her back into my life after she just left during that earlier crisis. I guess, now, I understand that she will leave me if I am in any trouble she can't take. Wow. Sometimes you love who you love. But sometimes it is the wrong person, a person incapable of loving you through the thin.  Sometimes -when we are so blessed- it is the right person, capable of being one who loves you through it all. We will learn from them all, and yet, these can be hard, hard things to reason out in the heart.

Anonymous

Mary- I found I could forgive (though maybe not forget) if two things happened.  (1) They acknowledged they had screwed up and (2) they didn't keep doing the same thing over and over again and apologizing.  I found I'm a "3 strikes you're out" kind of person.  If they've done the same thing 3 times they get thrown under the bus.  So far I've only tossed 2 under there so I think most people don't mean to be hurtful.  I think they're just clueless or just lacking in the ability to deal with hard issues.  Others are just in the relationship for what you can do for them.  I think BC makes it clearer to see who is who. 

BelaT

My own sister has ditched me, she got jealous that my parents were so worried and rest of the family cared for me. She was always their favorite but now that I have cancer they pay more attention to me and she is so upset. She actually sent a text saying god will take care of me and he know what every one deserves.

And I am Indian origin (from India)  and community is acting like I am contageous !! lol . Lady I used to walk with every day( my mom's age) is not calling back.

Bela 

elimar86861

I don't even HAVE to read through this thread.  Just knowing that others have filled six pages about what I experienced from my oldest friend makes me feel a little better about it happening to me also.  I don't know why it goes down this way sometimes.

I did mention my disappointment to my friend.  She appologized.  I forgave her.  A year later, I helped her through her own B/C journey.  I could only check on her by phone because we are in two different states, but I think I shared some good info. & support along the way.   I treated her the way I had wished she would have treated me.  When she finally finished up with her recon., she thanked me for my help and concern.

I always say, if the friend is just acting totally bad and weird about your Dx, but you love everything else about them, then don't ditch the friend.  If it is the final straw in a long line of bad behavior, then it might be time to end the friendship and move on.

elimar86861

Oh look what I found...a BCO article that has great guidelines.  Why you could even email them to your friends and family...

When A Friend Gets Sick

truebff

Wow. After three months,  just received a very, very abusive, accusatory e-mail from my former bff justifying her abandonment of me during cancer as due to my faulty and too needy life. Wow.

I had cancer and was scared and vulnerable and ill and she was NOT going to comfort me.

I realize she is immature in this selfish and incomprehensible missive, and I ache for her in such a small mindset, and realize, this friend, who I met in the 5th grade, never grew up. Abandonment issues surround her and so when someone else is needing, she flips out because her need cannot take a backseat or even an equal seat with another. This pattern has always been evident in her. It is not her fault either. She was abandoned by both her parents and has never gotten over it. I held her together all through childhood. And, this sorry behavior in the face of another's needing comfort has shown up with not just me, but anyone who has ever been ill or broken around her. I just always thought I was big enough and well enough to be strong enough to get past that part of her make-up. I also thought -and in fact this friendship made me fiercely loyal about this too- that I was not the kind of person ever to be a fair weather friend. I'd have your back in a squall too! You could take that to the bank.

I guess this is healthy for me, not having such a damaged person in my life. But I was too young to know that when I met her, and she was my best friend and I didn't jump ship when I did understand.  Almost everyone I have in my life now, chosen as an adult more consciously, is a full range friend and they are healthier. I am very lucky for this and rich and grateful for the love and the connections we share.

The funny thing is I never left my old friend because of her vulnerabilities. But if I have ever been vulnerable, she is up in smoke.

In a very heart-breaking way, sometimes, whether we want it or not, we get to clean house.

Anonymous

truebff- I had a similar experience with my (former) bff.  I also got the Dear Jane letter from her that was very defensive and basically threw everything back on me.  (How dare I expect her to be there for me as I was going through BC when she had her own issues!)  (Her issues were empty nest syndrome.)  In reading your post, though, I've come to realize the toxic relationships I held onto, and struggled so hard to maintain, were the ones I had childhood history with.  I never realized the connection before.  They had fulfilled a need at one time, but had ceased to do so long ago, yet I still clung to them.  Your post has made me see them in a new light and now it doesn't hurt so much to have let them go.  Thank you.

truebff

Kate, that sounds so sad for you to be treated that way. It really can be hard when you love a person and their dysfunction comes between your friendship. It is often true too, that abusive people don't show up as abusive until their position as "front and central" is challenged by, often unforeseen, circumstances or events (Abusive husbands, as a classic example, often don't show up in marriages until their wives are pregnant -the worst time for her to realize this!) that to the dysfunctional person threaten their position of attention.

Understanding it and even having compassion for it doesn't make it hurt any less when you lose someone you love and expected or hoped to be there for you. It is unexpected and shocking as well as heartbreaking. But hopefully, for those of us who have lost friends, others, sometimes those we never expected, have come out to love us and they are GOLDEN!

Most of the sisters here and everywhere, who have been through cancer, have a sisterhood of care and connection and support that is amongst the strongest and clearest and most caring and we can continue to pass that caring on and on and on. 

Anonymous

truebff- It's so true about the women on here.  It never ceases to amaze me the amount of care and support I got on here from total strangers.  It's an incredible sisterhood.  And I think the contrast between that and those dysfunctional relationships really made me take notice for the first time in my life.  It was hard to let them go but when I see how healthier I am emotionally now it takes a lot of the sting out.  And gives me the energy to cultivate those "golden" ones you spoke of.