Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

Rennasus

I noticed something curious happen after being diagnosed with breast cancer and having surgery — and I suspect many of you have experienced this as well. Friends and family were disappointing me — not checking in any more frequently than they did before I was diagnosed. HUH? Several very close friends never even sent a card. Is that weird? I feel like I am whining by even admitting this.

I am not a person who normally asks for help, and perhaps that is part of the problem; people are so used to me being strong, independent, capable that they think I am OK and will be OK. DH thinks I am doing great so that is what he tells people when they ask how I'm doing. So people think, we don't have to worry about her! But I want (and need!) people to worry about me — because I am worried about me.

Do you feel let down by the support you are (or aren't) receiving from your friends or family? Feel free to admit it here. Maybe through this thread we can find creative ways to ask for more of the help we really need.

My Diagnosis: 12/8/2010, IDC, 3cm, Stage Ib, Grade 1, 0/8 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- History: BMX & TE 2/3/11; 3 incision revisions (2/19/11, 3/28/11, 4/26/11); right TE removed (delayed healing) 7/6/11; right TE replaced 12/1/2011; exchange 9/5/12. Blogging about BC at thebigcandme.blogspot.com.

WinnieThePooh

Yup!  Same here.  My family, friends, church, etc. have been amazing with cards, prayers, little gifts, meals, etc.  To my surprise (and hurt), my BFF has not even sent me a card.  We're definitely drifting apart now.  It's a shame.

Letlet

It's totally true, my friend who was my maid of honor at my wedding has called me once since diagnosis but my co-workers and my manager have been completely supportive...amazing.

Rennasus

Glad to hear it's not just me! I knew going into this (cancer treatment) that it would be an eye-opener re: who steps up and who doesn't, and had heard it's often the people you don't expect who turn out to be the most supportive. The whole thing is just so strange!

Laurie08

Everyone seems to fit into three groups:

1.  I hardly talked to you before but now that you were diagnosed you are my best friend.  I'll call you every day and tell the world how you are doing.

2.   You were my friend before and you are now.  What ever I can do to help great. But first and foremost you are you!

3.  Ummm.  Did you say you have cancer?  I can't be around that, or call you or anything.  It's too scary and I can't handle it or you so I will politely bow out.

The response of #1 and #3 are annoying and can be hurtful. I am self employed doing book keeping and had a client that as soon as I was diagnosed, after three years, he pulled away and dropped me.  When I asked why I was told, with what I was going through something would always come up and be an issue.  I never missed a day of work, ever. In a year I had a baby, was diagnosed and had two surgeries.  I NEVER skipped a beat, never missed one week of work and when I pointed that out he said," yha, but eventually you will."

Some people are just a$$holes and you have to move on.  But it still sucks.

swanseagirl

I was dx in May and nearly all of my friends were there by my side. All but one, my BF.  She told another friend that I only had stage 1 cancer and it is curable. Even though it ended up being stage 2 with node involvement, I was really hurt by what she said. Needless to say, we have drifted apart. 

I believe some people can rise to the occasion, others panic and pull away. 

I've learnt a valuable lesson. I will try my hardest never to make someone feel the way my friend made me feel.

Laurie08

I also wanted to add my mother passed from BC, since my diagnosis my father has pulled away and not been supportive at all.  I assume he is just afraid.  But aren't we all?

jeanette41

I have found the exact same thing....those you expected to be there to support you are not, and there are those that surprise you by stepping up...

 I'll give you two examples ones who have disappointed me....one lady lives next door.....we previously worked together (including car-pooling everyday) for 15 years....she called me back in early October after my mastectomy to tell me she would soon be visiting me if I was up to it. I said sure...would love to see her. Still waiting for the visit...but I did recieve an Xmas card from her. Funny thing is....she literally had to drive past my house to take it to the post office!!

Another one is (was) my favourite sister-in-law from a previous marriage. We remained very good friends after my husbands death, and still visited and exhanged Christmas gifts every year. I was very upset one day after my breast was removed...she told me it really was no big deal...my breasts were never that big anyway, and if even if I found the prostesis uncomfortable, I could wear a "baggy" shirt and nobody would even notice. It's not like anyone was going to look that close anyway. I should consider myself "lucky", because if someone like her were to get breast cancer, it would be "devastating"! She is so huge, how would she ever manage to hide it??

I brushed it off, thinking she doesn't really get it.....I wasn't upset because others "might" notice, I was upset because I am the one who sees myself everyday when I undress. But decided to leave it go, as she was still grieving the tragic loss of her sister. But I started chemo Jan 4, and she has never even called to see how I am...

One step at a time, my last chemo is Tuesday....but after that I am def going to re-evaluate who I want to remain part of my future, and who I do not.

alamik

Jeanette..... That was a horrid thing for your sister-in-law to say to you!! Not trying to overstep here, but didn't you just want to poke her in the eye or something? I have been blessed in having my oldest and dearest friends be so supportive and caring. We have been friends since 3rd grade. But then there are friends and family members who I "thought"  I had always been close to, ..well, they have backed off. Some of these have been ones that I have always helped in theri time of need. Some I had even invited into my home to live with my family when they were down on their luck or going through divorce. One of them has called me ONCE and that was around Christmas so she could get a recipe from me. The ones that used to call me their "best friend", they don't bother even asking about me. I know it's hard on the people that love us too. And maybe they don't know what to say to us. But at least they could attempt to reach out. And then I have found the ones that now all of a sudden want me to be their friend. The same ones that never took interest in me before, well now they are all about me and it's not sincere at all. They just want to have the token "cancer girl" or something. I am usually very polite and accept their concerns without divulging too much of my personal medical information. I think the most amazing things that have happened is that several past aquaintances have now become very good friends of mine. Some have really stepped up to the plate and been there for me when I needed them. Sometimes this has come because they have known someone in the past or they themselves have gone through breast cancer, so they totally get it now. My diagnosis has been a way for us to bond.

jeanette41

Yes, at the time "a poke in the eye" did cross my mind...;)))

riley702

"And then I have found the ones that now all of a sudden want me to be their friend. The same ones that never took interest in me before, well now they are all about me and it's not sincere at all. They just want to have the token "cancer girl" or something."

I call them 'cancer groupies', and I've picked up one, too. Don't you just want to roll your eyes?

petjunkie

If someone is really your best friend, i would suggest being straightforward and telling her what you need. Friends and family are not mind-readers. And let's face it, a lot of us going though this are needy yet we don't ask for help, we just complain if it's not given. I know that i have been guilty of this.



Lots of people are not good with dealing with difficult situations. People dont know what to say or do. Instead of feeling bad that friends aren't stepping up, maybe try taking some of the responsibility. You can't change other people, only your reaction to them. Call the friend and say "Hey, I feel like you've dropped off the face of the earth. I would love to have you bring over dinner and a movie some night." be blunt if you need to "I have been feeling hurt that you haven't called since my surgery. But then I realized that I haven't called you either-- or maybe you're not sure what to say. I'd love to just have you here for support and to listen."



Also, don't blame people for not sending cards. Sorry, but that just isn't something everyone feels comfortable sending or receiving. I have stage IV and i hate the cheesy cards i get once in awhile about how I should hang on or whatever. Gag.



I guess my point is to give friends/family a break. They have their own lives going on, too. I know sometimes I get all wrapped up in my own cancer life and Ill get annoyed that i haven't heard from someone...then realize that I've been totally self-involved and have no idea what is going on in that person's life.

Laurie08

petjunkie- You made some really great points.

JbinOk- I told them.  I had a BMX and let them know when I was diagnosed what was going on.  One of the owners was very sweet tome and the other started avoiding me.  No big deal.  Just when the one owner who had been avoiding me was finally starting to act normal again I let them know I was going in for one more little surgery.  I did their books on Thursday's and Friday's I let them know the surgery would be on Monday and wouldn't effect them.  He just looked at me and said another surgery?  Good luck with that.  So that Monday Ihad my exchange surgery, he sent me an e mail on Wednesday saying I should take the week off and just relax and get better.  The following Tuesday he called me to let me know it wasn't going to work out.

Basia

Laurie, ouch, that sounds horrible, "it wasn't going to workout", how do they know? 

Petjunkie, you are right, everyone has their own stuff going on.

I understand everyone has their own life and problems, but it is upsetting when your friends back away.  But I have found new friends thru this website and a support group.

I realize other people are not comfortable with cancer or any illness.  I also realize it is hard to be my friend right now.  Everyone likes to talk about what a miserable day they had, burning dinner or the nagging boss. How do you complain about trivial things like that to a person fighting for their life? It has to be hard on them as well.  They want to act like nothing has changed but the conversation just isn't there anymore and honestly who wants to hear about BC? How many times can someone hear about the nasty SE from chemo? And honestly I have become consumed by this, I don't know what else to talk about. I wish I could complain to friends about my messy house or what a jerk my husband is being, but I can't. These things don't matter much anymore.  I hope this made some sense

thefuzzylemon

Basia - I totally get what you're saying ... I think it is time to change a few things around. 

I, unfortunately, have very little tolerance for anyone who all of a sudden decides they want a piece of Cancer Girl ... or didn't send me a card when I'd get my head ripped off if I didn't ask how there weekend was every f-ing Monday when I walked in ...  nope - we're not stupid - we know how they worked before we got the beast ...

It's my journey - and your journey - you do what you have to do to get to the other side with as little problems as possible ... change is good ...

Letlet

Laurie, that is just horrible! That person is stone cold. I hate to be that person and God-forbid a life-altering illness happens to that person...karma can be a "female dog". You know if that person was your boss and he/she fired you, he/she can get sued but I know you said client so I know that doesn't work that way. I'm just saying that that is just so heartless.

lrr4993

Laurie - that is unbelievable.  What a jackass.

I only told 4 of my closest friends, as well as my boss (and obviously family).  My boss was great.  I had only been at this job one year so I was worried I might not get the leniency that someone more long term would get.  I was told to take all the time I needed and, when I suggested they may want to bump my salary to a lower level because of my reduced hours, I was told not to even think about it. In the end, I did not miss much time from work.  The month and a half been ultrasound, through biopsy, diagnosis, surgery and PET, were the worst because I was so out of it.  I barely worked parttime.  Once I got the clear PET, I sort of snapped out of it and was pretty much back to normal after that and thru chemo and rads.  I only missed my chemo infusion days during the entirety of post surgery treatment. 

One of my friends was a bit disappointing.  She called and sent a card when I was first diagnosed, but nothing after that.  My other friends checked in regularly, sent flowers, gift baskets, etc.  It was nice.  They were not too far over the top as they know I would not like that, but it was nice that they were concerned throughout treatment. 

Rennasus

JBinOK: BFF = best friends forever

Swanseagirl: You nailed it on the head. I also feel this experience has taught me how to be there for others in a way I know I couldn't have understood before.

Laurie08: Love the 3 groups friends seem to fall into! Spot on.

jeanette41 & alamik: thanks for sharing your disappointments...it feels good to give them a voice now and then!

alamik & riley702: I don't have a cancer groupie yet and hope I don't get one! But I'll keep an eye out now!

Petjunkie: I totally agree with you, being straightforward is the best move — and something I am striving to become more comfortable with doing. Guess that is part of the lesson of the Big C! And while some people are not into sending cards,  my BFF is a card girl, so that's why I noticed when she DIDN'T send me one. Of course in the great scheme of life, these complaints are but a speck of sand — but on occasion I just feel like kicking up some sand! ;-)

Basia: I get it! Sometimes it's impossible to talk about the fluff when we are stuck in the mire.

thefuzzylemon: Your post made me laugh. I can so relate!

Irr4993: Sounds like you landed at a  company with oodles of compassion. yeah!

Hadley: Cancer can be a great closet cleaner when it comes to "friends"!

I'm just thankful to have a safe forum to vent my disappointments (no matter how great or minor) on this site... helps me to have my pity party and then get on with it! ;-)

Anonymous

Rennasus- The MIA friends was definitely a fall out of BC I never expected.  And it caused me to jettison some friends when all was said and done.  But when I took a step back I realized how one sided those relationships were in the first place.  I realized that I'd been the one doing all the work and if I I could do something for them then all was good.  When I didn't have it to give they vanished.  There's also those friends who act like you're contagious or something (the same thing happened with my married friends when I went through my divorce).  That just by associating with us they will "catch" whatever we have.  But like others have said, people I never imagined would have stepped up did, and some of them have now replaced those jettisoned friends.  I have to admit, though, that even a year later it still hurts to be abandoned by those you thought were your BFF's.

1WonderWoman

Oh yes..I can identify!  I work for one of the largest wireless providers in the country and they sent NOTHING...oh..well my supervisor finally sent a card about 5 months after I left work, had surgery and was then getting ready for chemo!  The excuse?  My supervisor said he could not get my address from HR!  That is a crock of crap from the depths of hell if I ever heard one!   Mind you I was an exemplary employee.   A very, very good friend was a huge let down also.  He was really scarce for a while then he came around again a bit more.  Finally, I was hospitalized in Dec, over NYE and into Jan, and he was off from work that week.  Not only did he fail to call he also never came to see me!  His excuse: he thought I needed my space!!!!!!!!!   I finally cut him off completely!  It just goes to show you never really know somebody.  Sadly, at the hardest time in your life, you will find who matters.

Oh yeah...another class act: my hairdresser of 14 years.  She came over and said she was going to come back and bring some things she thought I might need and blah blah.  She seemed so sincere I actually gave her a key to my house so when I was in the hospital she could check on my cat.  I had given out keys to people I trusted to check on my house but I did not want 1 person to feel they had too much to do so I wanted to spread it around.  OMG...not only did she never come over with that stuff she thought I needed, I had trouble getting my key back!!!  Finally she mails the key back and says she can't understand why I seem upset with her?!?!?   

In long, yes, we have all been there, felt let down, and you are in good company!!!!

tinkertude

I am so glad someone started this thread! absolutley!!!!!! I HAD a BFF since I was 15 she was my maid of honor my kids godmother etc... always came for all the good occasions baptisms confirmations etc... Whe I was diagnosed in June she said to me that night on the phone" oh wow something else I have to deal with". I was like really??? Because I am the one that has to deal with it I just need you to be my friend.. well the long and short of the story she hardly called all summer even with my first surgery having complications and taking 13 hours and then she went on vacation and never called me to let me know (  something she has always done the past 26 years) I will say though she did finally come and see me for 3 days in the beginning of Sept and that was the last I spoke with her. I have emailed her texted her and called her twice. I received a package for Christmas with all this bc stuff in it very nice so I broke down and called again thought maybe that was her way of reaching out to see if I would talk to her no return call text or email... so we havent spoken since sept and I am assuming we will not be talking anytime soon.....

I have another bff who lives near me and she is the opposite she was upset with me because I joined these threads and she feels out of the loop like I dont share enough with her... ugh so I guess the lesson I learned is that you just cant please everyone... I feel like and I guess I have lost one of my bff BUT...I can honestly say along this journey I have made some incredible new freinds renewd some old friendships and found support from freinds that I though were just aquantices, so all in all I will take the outlook that all is the way it was meant to be and give myself for the hurt to fade..

LAURIE Sorry to hear about your mom,

petjunkie... you do make some very good points... when I did talk to my bff when I was first diagnosed I did tell her I just need you to listen thats all the rest is up to me... guess she didnt want to listen...

1WonderWoman

JBinOK, Laurie08: It is kind of hard *not* to share a bc dx with your employer!  What do you say?  I won't be in for 3 months- C'ya later?!?!?   I don't know that there is an option?

Consequently, and on the subject of people acting weird, I also was walking into the grocery store the other day and caught a woman from work in mid-trying-to-avoid-me state!!!  I just think people flake over the bc thing...who knows.   Random people at work, ok, but our BFFs? ...no excuses.

libraylil

letlet  like you my close friends rarely email me, one has sent a card.  It is like they are scared of me or don't know what to say.  My neighbor, we have been friends for a long time, went through grad school together etc.  I go now sometimes 2 weeks and don't see her.  My coworkers and my principal have been great.  They cooked and brought 2 meals for me from the beginning of chemo until my surgery was over.  Sent gift cards for dinners out.  I also worked through chemo, taking only the day of off.  By the end of the workday I was tired and ready to hit the couch with the dog.  They don't seem to get that I wasn't feeling up to happy hour after an infusion.  Whatever.No groupies here. libraylil

swanseagirl

Jeanette41,

Good luck for cocktails on Tuesday. And a big congrats for it being your last!!!!!!!

Tinkertude, cancer definitely changes perspectives on friendships.

I am blessed to have the friends stick by me through thick and thin and for the others, well, life is way to short to worry about what went wrong.

I did grieve for a few friends that drifted away. Some I ran at full speed in the opposite direction and others I simply smile when they tell me they've had a horrible week. 

One thing for sure, thank goodness for BCO and all my new friends.

Rennasus

I guess the loss of/change in friendships is the unfortunate fallout from the nuclear bomb we know as cancer. But as so many have said, cancer also brings into focus the positive relationships we DO have that help sustain us during a critical time... like all the ladies of BCO! ;-)

Survivorwoman

Rennasus: "Cancer can be a great closet cleaner when it comes to "friends"!" is so true.

I am still undergoing treatment, though, I am done with chemo (as of February10th), which my "friends" tell me is the worst part. Maybe it is the worst part of treatment, at least physically, but what do my "friends" know about leaving me in isolation or giving zero social support? Having no family, only a husband who does not want to be around me (influenced by his own family), I am essentially fighting breast cancer by myself. Only recently, after finishing chemo, a few new friends-to-be started to reach out to me and I am so grateful they did. It gives me hope that though I lost a LOT of my other "friends", maybe later on in life, I will find others who will be for real this time. Until then, every day, I try to find it inside me, the strength that will pull me through the day. Thank you for starting this thread.  I feel less lonely right now.

memory

What surprised me were all the people I had professional relationships with:

I'm a freelance writer, and I deal with many people, including political types, people who work at City Hall. I hadn't wanted to tell them, but I eventually had to and was amazed at their response.

 They were concerned without being intrusive, kind without being cloying. It was almost like I was entering a refuge when I went to City Hall, because I felt such caring and support there. (Who'd have ever imagined that?) But they also gave me space: no one was in my face saying, "How ARE you?" Even two women politicians who I always thought hated my guts sent me the prettiest flower arrangement. It ended up being the nicest one I got.

It meant more than they will ever know. I was told a long time ago that when you are in a crisis, the most unlikely people will step up -- and the people you always thought would be there for you may not, unfortunately.

LtotheK

I think all of us in some form or another goes through this.  I have been wrapping my brain around it.  How is it possible, for instance, someone who considered herself SO close (to the point where she'd criticize my friendship involvement) dumped me like a hot potato right when the going got tough during radiation after chemo (that was four months ago)?  Or another one who calls me "family" who barely dropped an email, never called, never sent anything...

I think the truth is, we go through life with expectations that friends are going to be there when the chips are down, and the truth is, a lot of us don't have to test that mettle. When we do, we learn how limited people can be.  Strangely so. 

Add to that, in fairness, that Pink October renders breast cancer a cold in some peoples' minds....

Closet cleaning indeed.  Goes right back to the old mom advice:  if you end up with 2 or 3 close friends, consider yourself lucky.  My list definitely shortened during this event.

memory

Oh, I should also say, the medical people who took care of me: I owe them a great debt. Like all of you I complain about doctors -- and the medical field in general -- but these people always filled me with confidence. Like, "this is not our first rodeo, we know what we're doing, we've got this."

 In particular, when I had to be hospitalized with an infection I was so low. I thought nothing would ever go right again, and that the light at the end of the tunnel was really that of an oncoming train. But my PS turned out to be the most compassionate doctor I've had (thus far.) The nurses also took wonderful care of me: one of them even said, at the end of her shift, "You'll be all right. I have a feeling about you."

LtotheK

Was just reading more:  if you have to be "straightforward" with someone while in the throes of chemotherapy/radiation, I'm pretty sure they don't make the "best friend" list.  And in our knockabout world...what I really wanted and needed was hot meals, not cards or candy.  Those are things I could have asked for.

edwards750

I agree I am glad this thread got started too. I havent had treatment yet - that is TBD...so far my closest friends have been very supportive. One sister in law who lives minutes from me called me when I was first DX and nothing since. I dont expect people to call all the time and in fact dont want them too. I am sure all of us are as sick of talking about our condition as people are of hearing it. I sent this same sister in law a giftcard for her 50th birthday Feb 11. Not received even a thankyou card...gotta wonder. I do understand people have their lives and our Dx should not be the focus of their lives but a phone call every now and then would be nice. I agree too -no cards. My office workers have not been that supportive with the exception of one and that is because her mom was dx too. I havent worked on the job that long but still you would think the manager, who is new, would at least send a card or flowers. My job is kind of a commuter kind of job. It isnt 8-5 and it is nights and people come and go a lot with different shifts. Still I know what I would do if it was one of them. Not a major deal - just saying. At least we all have each other.