February 2011 chemo pals

alison0415

pejkug3 - how did it go yesterday?  All was good except the fact that I did not get one minute of sleep last night after my chemo!  I have to assume it was the steriods.  I was so tired but could not fall asleep no matter what I tried.  And I was loaded with sleep meds.  They told me to let them know next time so they can reduce the amount in my chemo.  I'm reluctant to take my last steriod pill tonight because I cannot have another night like that.

melanie_ann - Congratulations on getting #5 behind you!  Must be a great feeling!

Braveheart - Have you thought about seeing a counselor/therapist?  They have some who specialize in people with illnesses.  If you find the right person, they can really make a big different in helping you cope and just having someone to talk to where you can pour your heart out.  I have seen a Christian counselor in my area a few times and I can't tell you how much I look forward to seeing her. I end up talking about my teenager and even my hubby sometimes and it's so nice to have someone who is just there for me.  I do have a great support network of friends so I know I'm lucky, but that doesn't replace professionals who are trained to help people with illnesses develop positive approaches to life's battles. Despite my support system, there are days when I feel like noone understands, especially my family... because in some ways I don't think they can really fully understand.  There's no reason to suffer or feel alone and your feelings are perfectly normal. I know I am a very strong, positive person, so I think it is easier for me than some people.  I also had a lumpectomy at this point and aren't dealing with all the medical issues many of you are.  You should be able to contact your onc and get a list of people that specialize in counseling cancer patients. 

I hope you feel better soon:)

Alison

Paula66

Well all I made it thru my 3rd taxol.  Yahoo!!!!!!   I didnt get sick in the middle of it. The last treatment wasnt pretty.  The SE this go around are pretty good.   Just a bit more tired and I slept more, so I think thats why im now wide awake, All in all im goood.  All Im really hope is that Sunday morning the entense bone pain sets in.  Hang in thru we can do this Good luck to ya all! 

dogeyed

Yes, Braveheart, your side effects and the way you feel about chemo and this whole dragged-out rather serious health thing is the way I also feel.  I, too, get a few sad days since I left AC and started Taxol.  The wimpering was unexpected, felt no one cared, just like you.  I don't know what these chemicals take from us, but I know my brain checks out with the Taxol and I cannot see two feet in front of me or behind me, nothing to hope for and cannot remember any good stuff, really stuck.

My legs bother me a lot, too, and my back, but I screamed for pain meds, and I don't think I should have had to ask either, but I did.  So, when the pain ramps up, I take them, and I do better.  But you know what, all this sickness I feel from the chemo, it just never really leaves, it swallows me up, and I cry out literally, NO ONE CARES, I hurt all over, it's scary!!  We are just plain so sick all the time, for weeks and weeks and months, and will be as long as we take the chemo, and just when we come up for air, we go right back under again.

I'm down to two months left, so I've finally got them counted out on my calendar, and I know I'll be done just before the 4th of July.  I like that just fine.  Sort of helps.  But gosh, when we were all back in February, I was really ANGRY how long this was going to be.  I'm actually now looking forward to surgery time, because I'll be left alone for weeks afterwards, chemo-free.

Got my Taxol #2 three days ago (Thurs) and feeling a little awful around the edges, wide awake at 4:30 a.m., hands hurt, legs stiff, indigestion... but I'm SO glad I can come here to my girlfriends and share.  Hang on, all you sweet suffragettes, we are every one of us going to make it through okay, and we'll all live a lot longer.  And I'm telling you, cancer ain't got NOTHIN on chemo, that's for sure!  Gail 

Dogbiskit

Had my first of 4 taxols just over a week ago. Fingers and toes burned for about 2 days, bone pain came the night of the third day and it was mostly in the legs And a bit in the wrists- even my toe bones shot with pain. that has finally subsided a week later although legs still feel weak - like they might give out on me if I stand still too long. And the weeping - wow I was crying at the drop of a hat for a good seven days feeling like no one cared etc that's when I realized it's affecting my brain and by the 8th day the weeping stopped. I have so many people checking in on me regularly and tons of support at work that it is ridiculous for me to think that way so the Vulcan in me said it's the freakin chemo messing with your brain! Knock it off with the crying already! And so I have. No doubt I'll be weeping again for taxol #2 but I think I'll have an easier time of it. Maybe. So, overall taxol is no fun but I find it better than the 6 day hangover from hell that was AC. I started with a 8cm tumor and now after 5 infusions I can't even feel it anymore. Looking forward to the visit to the onc to find out how much it has shrunk. It amazes me how he whips out the measuring tape and measures something I can barely feel! Soldier on ladies, it's almost May and the further we are from February the closer we are to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!

sukie10

Dogbiskit. I noticed you had a very large tumor like mine and are a TN also. I'm just wondering how fast yours grew? Mine was barely detectable when I found it. 1cm or less I'd say and grew to over 7cm in the 2 months it took to diagnose and start treatment. This is really scary stuff. No wonder we are all starting to loose our minds. I'm glad you can feel it shrinking. This has been the one perk of having chemo first. At least there is a great deal of satisfaction in knowing it's working. Mine is clinically undectable now after the AC. I still get some pain so I know it's not been totally obliterated but nobody can find it by exam. At least it's not poking out of my bra anymore.

I keep getting the sinking feeling nobody cares also. It's got to be the wear and tear of treatment because I really am a glass is half full kind of gal. I'm so tired all the time. I can't wait for this to be over.

It's great we all have each other. Nobody really can get it without going through it I don't think. Even if they are trying hard. Hang on girls we are getting there. 

MamaV

Boy can I relate - I totally understand the nobody cares feelings.  It seems like in the beginning everyone was so caring and concerned, but many now have just gone back to their easy lives while this is still a part of my personal nightmare.  Thank God we have each other to lean on so we know we are not crazy and alone.  I wish I could just walk away from it too, but not just yet.

Finished Taxol 2 of 12 last Thursday and it's so much easier for me than the A/C devil! 

charlottesmama

Since I deal on a daily basis with a child with serious disabilities, I know how people offer to help, then don't follow through. My closest friend, who had been paid to watch my daughter 2 afternoons a week, told me just after my diagnosis and starting chemo, that since I wasn't working, I didn't need her help anymore. How f**king clueless and insensitive was THAT? Also, a VERY close relative, and someone who should know better has said many versions of this: "He/She is a surgeon/oncologist/doctor and gets paid for every procedure/infusion/prescription. That's how he/she makes money." Oh that just gets me all worked up and angry. What am I? Stupid? Ahem! My life is at stake here! I have an awesome team, and trust their prefessionalism. Also, these comments come from someone who hasn't had a SMIDGEN of experience with what I'm going through. She claims that since cancer is part of my life, it's part of hers too! I'm just waiting for her to say, "Well, you think YOU have cancer, well I have it too!"

Sorry gals, just had to spew. Whew! Feel better already. ;-) 

charlottesmama

Ahem. My point is, don't let people's failure to follow through on offers make you feel left out or forgotten. I know I just have to soldier on through this crap and make the best of it. The house won't be clean, and the meals might not get made, but I will survive!

Dogbiskit

Sukie, I didnt notice it till mid January, a week later my boob was deformed and then I was in the chair within a month of getting biopsied. I got in to see the specialists super fast probably cuz of my history with bc. I guess I'm like you, I mean it must've grown wickedly fast because I don't understand how it could've gotten so big without me noticing.

dogeyed

May I please cry today?  I cannot get up any vim or vigor, I am ghostly, shuffling through my darkened home because feet hurt and back of legs are stiff, no pills will fill my aching heart.  I visited a website with pretty flowers growing for today's MayDay and it made me cry, because I cannot plant anything, I am just such a wasteland.  I worry over little things like when should I get a few busted teeth pulled, and when shall I visit my Mom, on Mother's Day? do I go on Tuesday, but will I feel well enough, and WHAT will I pick out online to buy and send since I probably won't make it to see her on MD becuz Sundays are the worst days, and when can I feel up to finding a gift, and I cannot do anything so why am I thinking about these things? 

Last night I asked husband if my judgment was poor in some interconnected spending choices, what with endless huge doc bills coming to me, and we will be broke but we'll make it.  Ahhhh, yes, we'll make it, I'd better make it.  But gosh I'm just so sick, I feel so sick all the time, I am sick all the time.  These bad feelings come in waves, I am drowning, I have no one to turn to, to talk to about how sad I am.  Thank heavens I can come here.  But still, I am still in silence, sadly in silence, will the neighbor children come out to play so I can hear their happy voices, will the dogs come out of their season of winter and frolic just once for me, can my husband bring me a flower from the yard?  Oh, that's right, we have no flowers, I had to go to a website to see them.  My heart aches, I miss Fuzzy and worry about her, I'm so glad I haven't wound up in the hospital like some others here, I don't know when I should get my teeth pulled, but I already thought of that.  This...THIS is what chemo feels like sometimes, it hurts so bad, my heart hurts, my eyes hurt, but I sit here and stare vacantly into my day and wonder where did my life go?  Gail 

ruffy

Hugs to you dogeyed, I hope you feel better. I have many days like you describe and I believe it my oversensitivity to the steroids, oh right, and the fact I have cancer and it's completely thrown a wrench in my otherwise happy life. I say let it out, of course you can cry today. You have more than enough reason to shed some tears. I could have cured a severe drought with all the tears I shed, that's the way I am, that's how I express grief and being scared. And it's better to let it out. Next year on this site we will post pictures of our beautiful gardens because next year we will have our strength back. This year my tomatoes will be bought at the farmers market, but not next year.

Hang in there, We're getting closer everyday

pejkug3

Popping in - TCH #4, Day 3.

I'm really stressed about my eyes.  I see the optometrist on Tuesday for a follow up and I expect the optic disc/nerve swelling to be improved, but not resolved.

I'm an anxious patient and this issue with my eyes has me planning my funeral.  I'm so nervous!!

Recap:  The optometrist said that he believed the swelling in my optic discs/nerves was due to Minocycline (for roseacea) use.  He mentioned that other causes could be a 'space occupying mass' or Idopathic Intracranial Hypertension.

That "Space Occupying Mass" comment is the one that caught me.  *sigh*

I'm not sure how to break lose from BC occupying so many of my thoughts.  Between chemo, appts, labs and generally feeling low, BC is never far from my thoughts.  I feel like I'm 'stuck' and I don't know how to become free.  Do you guys struggle with this?  I find myself trying to imagine how my DH would function with work and the kids if I wasn't here to help.  It's depressing and I don't want to give my life over to BC.  I've thought about seeing a counselor, but my little rural community just doesn't have one that is a good fit for me.

pejkug3

Hey guys!!  It's MAY!!!

Most of you finish up with chemo this month, right?

(I stagger on into June...)

SpecialK

pejkug - I am with you until June.

All -  I know I have to consciously push the thoughts of BC and my future from my mind and live the day I am in.  It is the only way for me to cope and the reality is that is all we have - one day at a time.  I don't know if the combination of the loss of my family and my military wife experience has shaped my perspective or not but that is how I get through it.  I echo charlottesmama - we can't let other people's lack of integrity or character affect us - that is their weakness, not ours.  Strength in many forms is what carries the day for us - we have to manufacture it ourselves, within ourselves.  This group has a common bond and understanding between us that helps each of us manufacture that strength, right?  We will not let each other down.

dogeyed - all I can say is I am so sorry you are struggling.  I wish I could do something to help you besides just say that.  Sending you a flower and a hug.

ruffolo - we are posting beautiful garden pix and beautiful self pix.

jenn_h

When it rains it pours doesn't it?! I had Taxol #2 Thur. Almost didn't get it b/c my liver count wasn't good, but he finally decided to lower dosage some. About an hour after I finished up my son broke his leg at track practice. We had to take an ambulance 1 1/2 hrs. to Erie (PA) and when all was aid and done he was finally admitted at 2:15 am. He had surgery (plate put in) on Fri. and we are still here! I guess I should thank God that my liver count was bad and that I didn;t get my full dosage b/c I would be in serious pain now (I wasn't able to get my scrip filled before we left. As it is I am sore, but it's manageable...hopefully we will be able to retun home tomorrow!

Sorry to everyone who is sad ,depressed, sick, sore, etc. I want us all to be happy!! It's finally spring, we all need a little sunshine in our lives right now!

SpecialK

oh jenn - I am so sorry about your son!  I hope he is doing well.  Keep in mind that young ones heal faster than us, right?  I will be thinking of all of you!  Don't forget to take care of yourself too!

M1nn1e

Last 4 x TC Tomorrow 

Pejkug3; Yes, I'm finishing up Chemo this month. I'll be in the chair tomorrow morning for my last treatment of 4 x TC.

 I thought I'd feel more excited about finishing up the Chemo, but I have mixed feelings, like did this really do anything? The onc said there's no way to measure what the Chemo actually did so it's kind of like did I put myself through this for nothing? 

Anyway, on to 33 Rads after that. Anyone starting doing Radiation yet?

I get the down and out feeling you guys are talking about, it's just that these last few months seem to be dragging on forever. Hopefully there's a light at the end of the tunnel. My onc keeps saying that side effects are just temporary and now we can watch my hair grow back. 

((( Hugs to all you ladies feeling down )))  

Melanie_Ann

Yes I finish May 17th. So I'm looking forward to 22nd. When I will start to feel better. Hang in there ladies. We're making it!

charlottesmama

Hi Ladies! Here's a screamingly funny video a friend emailed me today. Glad he didn't wait a week, because in a few days laughing will be WAY too painful!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAkdmsgkWoE&sns=em 

Anyway, this Tuesday I go in for the big surgery, and that's when my team will decide if I need to move on to Taxol. So, though I may have been one of the first to wrap up A/C, I may be the last to finish Taxol. Hang in there everyone. THe flowers ARE blooming, the birds are singing (annoyingly waking me up at 4 am) and the dogs are frollicking. Wish GG could have seen my daughter today, all 40 lbs. and 44 inches of her playing with a Great Pyrennese and a Great Dane! Two Greats and a Munchkin. They were having a blast. Each dog is twice her size!

I'll bring my laptop to the hospital, and hopefully after a few days I'll feel up to checking in. So, don't fret if you don't hear from me for a little while.

Cheers!

Michelle 

jenn_h

Good luck Michelle, my prayers are with you!!

dragonfly1

My last chemo is scheduled for May 31st so I'll finish this month too but I still have to fit 2 more in before I can celebrate in June...can't wait to finish this miserable chemo...

I have my radiation oncology consultation on May 9th and expect to start rads sometime in late June

I can relate to everyone who has been feeling down. I'm just beginning to feel better in the past few days after a terrible TCH #4. I really hit a low point. Chemo physically and emotionally wipes you out and just when you start to feel better you have to do it again...sooooo grateful it's almost over! We have to keep cheering one another through this!!!

sukie10

Best of luck on your surgery Michelle.  Jenn what a crazy week, hope your boy is on the mend now.

So just when I was venting about how nobody seemed to care anymore, my brother-in-law showed up here with a team of volunteers to strip off my leaking roof and repair it. They also cut out and removed the mold that had started inside the house. A project we were financially unable to follow through with this year because of the cancer situation. All of this was organized as a surprise. All of their time and materials were donated. Then I went into work and one of the cashiers I hardly know handed me 2 new bandannas she thought I'd like, I started weeping like an infant. I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy now but I was touched beyond belief that she would be thinking of me randomly like that. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.

I'm more convinced than ever now that our sinking feelings are brought on by the poison. I'm planting a garden next year with all of you ladies and I'll think of you all every time I look out the window at the beauty of it. Next spring when the sun comes out we will all be right out there with it. Nothing will be more beautiful.

(((HUGS))) We can do this, yes we can. 

sukie10

OMG I just watched the video. Thanks for the laugh Michelle.

Paula66

Good Luck with your surgery Michelle.

lorenar

Michelle" I will be thinking and praying that everything goes ok for you. So sorry for you ladies that are feeling achy or sad. I go this wed. for taxol 3 of 12. So I have aways to go. No date for my surgery yet. They were saying end of June or in July so I guess when they know I will know, After all the taxol I will still have every three weeks of herceptin to go until next April. I just keep telling DH there are better days that lay ahead for us all. I think taxol is alot more doable than the ole adrimaycin. I as well have alot of aches and pains and seem to get tired real fast but so far my appetite is good so I can do without that nausea as well Im sure you all agree. Yes this has and still is a long cold road we are walking but we have to try to be positive sometimes and know one day we will be on this same website with our hair back helping women who are just begining this journey scared like we are and were. At least now I have learned to cope with whats what. My sister is traveling to ohio with me next week. So we will get some sister time in. I will miss my DH though since he has been there every step of the way. But we just cant afford for him to miss work every week. When it gives ladies take a nap for yourself and say this time is mine I deserve it. We willl make it through this all together. Have a nice Monday.

ruffy

Good luck with surgery Michelle - sending positive thoughts your way.

I just want to tell you girls that I think you are all so awesome, sweet, and helpful, (can't forget funny) and are a huge support to me. I'm glad and thankful we have each other.

Sara

ruffy

Good luck with surgery Michelle - sending positive thoughts your way.

I just want to tell you girls that I think you are all so awesome, sweet, and helpful, (can't forget funny) and are a huge support to me. I'm glad and thankful we have each other.

Sara

SpecialK

Good luck Michelle, you will do great!  Try to keep us posted - we will be worrying as you know!

charlottesmama

Am I an idiot, or is Mother's Day in the states NEXT Sunday???

charlottesmama

It wouldn't be that unusual for me to totally forget. In which case, I'm a complete jerk. Oh well. Maybe next year. With any luck, next week.