Forgive or Forget?

perky

I have fought a rare disease for 15 years before getting a diagnosis and cure and then got the BC card and have spent this year dealing with that. 

I have lost some friends who were really awful saying that I just wanted attention or that I was a hypochondriac and had some family members who rolled their eyes at me, said I was doctor shopping, exaggerating and other totally horrible things. My sister never even sent me a card through any of this.

I know I am not alone in this, we all have terrible family as we have found out....

So my question is, what do I do now? I won't make them nicer or understand and it isn't good for me to be angry all the time, each time I think of them or have to deal with them.  What did you do? Did you forgive? Write them off? Tell them off? Something else? 

Medigal

Wow!  I just saw your post.  I have no idea what that disease was you battled with for 15 years but this is now BC!  If they can't show you compassion with this then the problem is with them not you. You know there are a lot of people who do use being sick as a way to get attention and they will come up with anything to do this.  There are a lot of pains which can't be seen by an x-ray or proven but one thing you can't fake is BC.  If you can't get understanding from them now then you should not waste your time wasting anger on them.  You have to concentrate helping yourself to cope with BC and doing whatever is necessary to survive.

My theory is that we can't "forget" the hurts people have done to us but we most certainly have the power to "forgive" them for our own sake.  Find a way to forgive them so that your anger will not add more stress to your coping with the bc.  Frankly, I  would make peace with any of them who have come to a new understanding about you now that you have bc but just write off anyone who continues to insinuate I am a hypochondriac or doing anything that hurts me. I have written off many people in my life and don't miss a one!  Life can be too hard and too short to waste energy on cruel family or friends.  The negative energy you would spend putting out on them can be very stressful for your body.  Forgiveness can be very healing so do it for "yourself" and you may find these people change in the way they think about you.  Best of luck!  

stef58

Perky, I am had some of the same experiences. The best thing to do is to care for yourself and those that you feel help you. Foret the rest, that is just the way some people deal with a serious illness. I would not use any energy on telling them off, it just makes you feel bad. When the time comes to talk too them again, just make small talk and leave. Hugs to you Dianne

friscosmom

I have family that has pretty much ignored the whole situation, no calls, no visits, no anything. In my situation I don't feel I have to forgive or forget because I have learned to just accept it. This is about me and my survival and I surround myself with those that truely care about me and I just figure the rest is not worth my anger or frustration; it is what it is and they are who they are. If you can get to a place where you just can recognize their comments and attitudes as being their problem and not anything to do with you then you may find peace.

perky

Thanks! I needed someone who has been through it to tell me that! I had no problem writing off my friends (who were in the medical profession) for being terrible. As I got sicker, I just didn't fit in. I am totally fine with that.  I feel the same about my horrible family members but I need to find a way to forgive them for being limited. Doesn't mean I am inviting them to Thanksgiving dinner!

I had Cushing's Disease. It was caused by a tiny pituritary tumor that wrecked my body due to excess cortisol production it caused weight gain and muscle and bone loss at the same time, gave me a constant migrane and insomnia.I was exhausted, didn't reckognise myself in the mirror anymore and understandibly, was a bit down.  Through all of this I still worked, got a promotion, kept my wonderful core friends and found out that I am so much more than my body (even though I would love to have my old model thin body back). I feel so much better now!  

I read somewhere that too much stress can cause BC. I had 2 to 4 times the amount of stress hormone in my system for over 15 years.  So that is my theory but there are a lot of people who have had Cushing's that didn't get cancer so who knows?

MrsNice

Well, forgiveness is really more for you than for them, unless they've apologized and are seeking reconciliation.  My oldest brother and I have been somewhat "estranged" for many years, only chatting on the phone once or twice a year, and once went 3 years without speaking.  He was a drunk and would call me and talk all kinds of crap, some just a bunch of bs and some really disgusting and hurtful.  I finally told him not to call me unless he's sober.  Well that did the trick - he was never sober so I never heard from him!  It did bother me though that this dysfunction remained, and until I chose to forgive him it continued to gnaw at me.  Once I forgave, I was able to move on and stop "wishing" it would be better.  He called me for my birthday last month, and I did return his call and we spoke for about 5 minutes.  He was sober and said he'd quit the hard stuff in March.  We lost our youngest brother to alcohol and drug overdose, so I'll never give up if my oldest brother shows an effort to get better.  I certainly don't claim to have as much grace as God does, but the forgiver is healed even if the offender is not.

perky

Kathy,

I had a similar experience with one of my brothers. I hadn't seen or talked to him in years and then a couple of years ago he showed up at my front door unannounced. I was initially upset that he had my address and then he handed me a coin and we both cried and everything has been great ever since.

perky

So HOW do you forgive? How do you get past the hurt and anger so that it is possilbe to make small talk?

Medigal

Perky, I find it worked for me to face the people or persons I want to forgive and talking it out with them.  This happened recently to me with a relative I had completely written off.  We worked through it with many emails explaining why we both felt the way we did and once we understood the reasons behind our actions, we were able to lock the door on that part of our lives and become at peace with one another.  If you are involved with people who don't feel they have done anything wrong and care so little about the hurt they have caused you, I would really turn things upside down by telling them "I forgive you for my hurt but I won't forget it and if it continues, we can no longer have a relationship."

However, you have to be willing to accept the consequences of saying this.  If they have a negative reaction to it, you may have to be willing to go on with your life without them in it.  Are you willing and ready to do that?  Forgiveness is not always as easy as it may sound.

changes

Perky,

I am not yet willing to forgive the friends and family who have been hurtful. I will maintain a polite but distant relationship with the family who have been hurtful, mainly for the sake of other family members. Like you, my sister never once called or sent a card when I was going through treatment. My brother called exactly once - no cards, nothing else. I expected that from my sister, because she has always been very self-centered, but was really hurt by my brother's actions. I can't change them, though. For me, next to the fear that I would die, the absolute worst thing about this diagnosis has been the shock I've received by the way some friends and family have acted. There were people I had thought really cared about me, who clearly did NOT. On the bright side, some people I did not think of as particularly close really showed that they could be relied on. I am trying to work through all this now that active treatment is over. The friends who have been hurtful I have just removed from my life. Two close friends went missing in action when I got sick - apparently they weren't so close after all. Another friend did something really hurtful - he's the only one I actually "told off." I told him how his behavior affected me and that I did not want any further contact. I have spent too much of my life trying to please everyone around me and expecting little in return. Now, I only want people in my life who are good people - no more sharks or vampires.

wishing you the best,

Karen

flash

Perky, I hope it all works out well for you.  glad you were able to get the Cushings identified and treated.  Hopefully the future holds better things.

Susie123

One thing I've learned in life is that you can't control the actions of other people, only your own. Do what you feel is right in your heart, don't let the actions of others change who you are. Try and let it go or it will eat you up inside. It's consuming to hold onto bitter feelings, don't give them that kind of power over you. I know it's hard, I've been there, but it's the only way you will be able to get over it and move forward     

jancie

I have been able to let go of the extreme anger I have had towards people that have downright maliciously hurt me.  However, I won't forgive them.  I am not a forgiving type person by nature and I sure can't forgive someone who is flat out evil and seek to harm me.  I won't seek revenge, I don't wish them ill will - basically I treat them as total strangers and this includes some of my family members.

The anger used to eat me up inside.  Once I got through the anger I was a much happier person but to get to that place I had to get these certain people out of my life and no.....I don't regret it to this day.  We can always choose our friends but we can't choose our family nor the ex-wives, etc.  Those family members that I wouldn't even think of being friends with - well they are out of my life for good.  I had to do this to protect myself emotionally.

It is up to God to forgive - yes, we want to try to be like Jesus and God and be forgiving but we are imperfect human beings and sometimes we just don't have it inside of ourselves.  That doesn't mean we are bad people because of it - it is just a weakness and we all have weaknesses and strengths.

Medigal

Janice:  Forgiveness has less to do with helping other people and more to do with helping ourselves. If you really want to win against your enemy, forgive them!!  Ha!  Then "you" are truly the winner because they can no longer ever in this world or any other hurt you.  You also have rid yourself of that negative energy that comes with not forgiving someone and it can end up making "you" sick. I may be imperfect but I was given "free will" from God and that means I can choose to forgive or stay angry and let that anger eat inside of me and make me sick.  Doesn't mean we are bad people if we don't forgive, just means we may be "healthier" people,if we do,  in my opinion.  I always pray as much for my enemies as I do for my friends (the "one" I think I still have). 

The Bible makes a great Healthcare Manual if we pay attention to a lot of what it tells us to do.  But like I said, we still have free will so if you don't want to or can't forgive people, do as you will.

perky

Thank you so much for your replies. It means a lot to me.

You are the only ones that knows what this feels like and how conflicted I feel.  I think we are all saying the same thing. Forgiveness is just another way of making peace with things so that you can move past it. I really want that.

Tonight my sister IMed me to tell me that she is totally jealous that I am getting new boobs this month. I said (calmly, to my own surprise) that this is reconstuction, not augmentation. This is nothing to be jealous of. Not the outcome and certainly not the reason for the surgery. Don't confuse me with Heidi Montag! She said something like "I know, I just like new boobs."  UGH! And that was the first I even heard from her since the surgery in March!

 When my sister had a surgery, I sent her a pajamagram and she didn't even thank me for it. When she called me upset that her husband was going to be out of town for a major birthday, I sent her a cake and she didn't thank me for it.

I can't explain to her how clueless she is and if I tried, she would just be dramatic and defensive.  I have to find a way to tolerate her and others like her without even involving them. I don't want to avoid them but I don't want to have a big confrontation either because I don't think it would do any good at all.

I want to choose to get past this but to be honest, I have been all annoyed since talking to my center of the entire universe sister. I would love to put encounter with her in the same bucket as telemarkers but haven't cracked the code on that yet.

changes

Hi Perky,

I understand that what your sister said hurt you. And that seems to me to be the point - you know this is just how she is, but it's hurtful and sad to NOT have a supportive, loving sister. I think when we have people in our lives who have major personality flaws, we are always hoping that someday they will change. I know with my own sister, I did not expect much from her. But at the same time, if she was EVER going to step up to the plate, now would have been the time. It's almost another loss when the people we love show us that they may not even be capable of loving. I'm sorry you're going through this,

Karen

perky

Karen,

You said it perfectly. 

MiaLombardo

I dont even know what to say to you. I am here if you want to IM me on Yahoo just othave someone totalk to mial_2007.

Melisa

Janeluvsdogs

Yes, Karen. Very well put--- it is another loss when people we expect even minimal support from are clueless. Until I was diagnosed, I don't think I really understood what "clueless" meant.

It seems to mean some people are totally on another planet about having any undertanding of the proportion of this disease. They think differently. They feel differently. They are a different species in some way. We want them to be compassionate like we are or at least use common sense but they seem to be hard wired to have no clue.

This personality trait used to frustrate and sadden me but now I just feel sorry for them. They have some kind of personality defect. Understanding that some people have a defect cancels out the second hit of loss/disappointment we get. It really does but it takes time and practice saying to yourself, this person doesn't mean to be hurtful or narcississtic. They are broken.

Blessings to all of you. There a lot of us that "get" you. Disregard those who don't.

thenewme

Oh Perky, I feel your pain. 

I struggle with this issue too.   I'm really working hard to see people for what they really are and not for what I want (or expect) them to be.  It's really hard, especially when you're talking about a close family member.  I've come to realize that some people (even in our own families) really are just plain toxic.  I've started taking steps to learn how to respect myself enough to protect myself from their venom, and I've given myself permission to stop trying to "make things right" with them. The guilt, disappointment, and grief are heavy from the loss of the fantasy relationship I thought we should have, but on the other hand, it really does feel empowering and freeing to stand up for myself and stop the destructive games they play.

Please PM me anytime you want to commiserate.  I get it and sadly, it seems, a lot of others here do too.  Best of luck! 

FireKracker

anyone read the book called THE SHACK. wonderful on forgiveness. I AM THE QUEEN OF NOT FORGIVING ANYONE. i have a shit list very very long.after reading the book 2X i realized FORGIVENESS IS ABOUT TAKING YOUR HANDS OFF THE OTHER PERSONS THROAT. ITS NOT ABOUT FORGETTING. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to find the peace they need to fight this giant monster thats inside our bodies.I forgave everyone but ill never forget.

SweetMarci

I can totally relate to a sister who is the center of the universe. Being the oldest, I have done so many things for her over the years but to expect anything from her during this time was asking too much.  I felt like she had no empathy for what I was going through.  When I tried to talk to my parents about it, I was told that I shouldn't want "pity".  I tried to explain that there's a difference between empathy and pity, but got nowhere.  And they actually defended her!  I had someone tell me in the beginning of this journey, to surround myself with those who support me and don't waste any time or energy on those who do not support you.  I have taken that to heart! 

I have good friends who support me and have been with me through this process.   I am divorced, no kids (due to early menopause at 35), an absent sister, even more absent brother and parents who live 600 miles away.  All I had was my friends to get me through this.  There would be nights where I woke up in the middle of the night frightened and no one to hold me and hug me.  At times I feel like this a been a very lonely journey.  But I think I've handled it quite well and am looking forward to finishing my last 15 radiation treatments!

Lowrider54

Perky...as some have said, you really don't have control over anyone but you.  While forgiveness is the Lord's way, often it doesn't work in the real world.  I have found that by focusing on me, what I want and what is in my heart - I have come to terms with myself - reached a state of grace, so to speak.  It matters not whether they know they have been forgiven or not - only that I know.  If I never speak to them again - it is not out of anger as I have forgiven their ignorance and chosen to have it no longer invade my life.  It is my life and with this dx (for you, the Cushings and this dx) there is no time for being surrounded by people who poo-poo all over your parade.  I spend my time with people that laugh and joke and at times, I am the object of the joke and I still laugh - the ability to laugh at myself with my wonderful new set of limitations has given me a new look at life and boy, do I have some goofy things happen!  I also do not fear expressing my fears anymore...it is ok to be scared, it is ok to cry, it is ok to feel all sorts of emotions - and it is ok to express them without fear of an ignorant reaction.  This is easier said than done but once you start, it gets easier and easier and suddenly - it no longer matters and you are free of the worry and can back to the living part.  Hugs...LowRider

BarbaraA

Perky and Marcy, I guess I am blessed to not have people in my life with the power to devastate me. My family is fabulous and the friends I choose to share my travails with are great. I do however, have others, casual friends, distant relatives, co-workers who floor me with their STUPID and hurtful blather. I am older and I sort of rid myself of toxic friends over the past few years but they still come around and amaze me with their stupidity.

I hear what they say and respond with something innocuous but I sort of look on their total inanity as a genomic defect and thank G_d I don't have it as well. Some people are just born stupid, mean and lazy.

It enrages me when they say/do stupid things sometimes. Other times it saddens me as they have a lot of growth to do yet if they hope to get where they need to go. And other times it wracks me with laughter. I am not sure why the laughter yet but it is probably a combination of all the above and my innate sense of mischief and plans to play it back on them.

That about sums it up.

FireKracker

MOTHER THERESA SAID IT BEST. in the final analysis,it is betweeen you and your GOD.It was never between U and them.

perky

You guys are the BEST!  My brother and sister are the worst. The absolute worst. And you are right. I don't even like them as people and wouldn't have much to say to either of them in the best of circumstances.  Going through this it is like there is an even wider gap or maybe that gap is just more obvious. I know if it were them, I would and have been much more supportive.

So it is OK to be good and disgusted with them and leave it at that. I also have wonderful friends and a great life if I could just find the energy to live it.

So one more horrible sister story. She IMed me yesterday and asked what I was doing in 3 weeks. I said recovering from exchange surgery. She said she was going to be in town and wanted to take me to dinner. I said. Recovering from surgery. No dinner but she could stop by. She said she was coming to town because a friend is in the final stages of his battle with cancer! She told me how horrible it is and said how upset she is for him and then said how lucky I am in a really condesending way (like I had been whining about it and I only said I was having surgery)! I was stunned! She is ridiculous.

Thank you for giving me permission to just not like her. :-)

Medigal

Perky:  You certainly have my permission to not like her but if it were me, I would spray her with pepper spray if she turns up.  Then be sure to be determined to still have a great life when your energy returns, and it will!

perky

So here is how it will go if she visits...

She will walk in the house like she owns it. Comment on everything that was my parents and act like I got all the really good stuff. My mother lives with me.  Then she will compare her 7,000 square foot house to my 1,500 square foot house being very competitive and petty. Then she will see my pool in the back and will tell me in full detail that she is planning on building a pool that is far superior to the one in my yard. (Like that would be hard.) She will say that it is cute, ask to take things home with her, help herself to opening doors, drawers etc.

Then she will tell me all about her diet and how fat she thinks she is. She is a natural size 6 and never had Cushing's steal her looks.  Then she will show me a ton of pictures to rub it in even more. I will try to explain and she will say I look great and then change the subject.

Finally she will talk about her friend and I will be upset for her. The only questions she will ask me about my health will be about my new boobs and the possibility that she could get cancer.

JanetinVirginia

Perky - if it helps at all, look at it this way.  You now have thousands of "new" sisters from all over the place who are here for you.      A big sister hug to you!  

BarbaraA

WHAT A MORON!! We can choose our friends but we cannot choose our families. How much do you need to have her in your life? My cousin is EXACTLY like that and her sister (whom I love) HAS to deal with her. I, on the other hand, do not and don't. On top of all the breast cancer one-ups, she even told me 'It's hard to be rich because people take advantage of you.'  GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!!

imbell

It's interesting that we are given Aromatase inhibitors to prevent formation of cortisol. Did the Cushing's have anything to do with BC? As far as forgive or forget, you could try forgive in your heart and ten forget. I am more into ignore, totally and speak up when necessary.