New to BC and Overwhelmed with guilt

beatbc09

Hi Ladies,

I'm glad I found you.  I was diagnosed with Stage 3, HER-2+/ER+/PR- breast cancer in October, 10 nodes/15 positive. I've been extremely emotional and somewhat depressed since then.  Never in my life I could imagine I'd be going through this.  I'm a mother of 3 young ones and can't even think about leaving them when they're young, it hurts so much to even write this here.

I need some support right now as I can't stop feeling guilty for this.  I feel like I'm to blame for getting BC as ridiculous this may sound. I had an abortion a year before my first was born (we were not married yet, and were terrified of what our families would think, it was hard enough being from two different races and cultures).  I never thought I would have the courage to do it, but the fear was too much, and honestly, the decision seemed to be the right one for us at the time (being Catholic and all, I know, horrible).  We had never regretted the decision until now.  We went on to have 3 beautiful children who are the light of our lives.

Everything was going great until my diagnosis.  Now I feel guilty, I feel like if I hadn't had that abortion I would not have BC.  I can't imagine not having the children I have, though. But I can't stop blaming myself, my abortion, my years on birth control pills, my weight gain during my pregnancies (still have 30 lbs left to lose accumulated from the 3 pregnancies), and on, and on, and on.  I'm only 38 and have a full life to live.  How do I go on without the guilt??? How do I go on without thinking/feeling that I'm responsible for my own BC???  Please help!!!

Thanks!!!! You're the best! 

cookiegal

I won't tell you not to feel what you are feeling. I don't think you should feel that way, but emotions are complex.

I am a newlywed, more or less, and I feel guilty for dragging my husband into this. I know it makes no sense but I do.

What I will say is hang out here, write helpful posts when you can, support who you can.

That will help.

Good luck!

ICanDoThis

You are NOT being punished for having an abortion. God is a lot more forgiving than many people who feel entitled to speak in His name.

Research has shown that there is NO correlation between abortions (or miscarriages) and BC, except for the standard, the younger you are when you have your first child, the less likely you are to have BC. Here are references to the primary studies that were cited in a thread we had on here last week:

Straight from the American Cancer Society website three large studies were performed and these are the results: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_6x_Can_Having_an_Abortion_Cause_or_Contribute_to_Breast_Cancer.asp

Dutch study: "After adjusting for known breast cancer risk factors, the researchers found that induced abortion(s) had no overall effect on the risk of breast cancer."

Harvard study: "After adjusting for known breast cancer risk factors, the researchers found no link between either spontaneous or induced abortions and breast cancer."

California study: "There was no difference in breast cancer risk between the group who had either spontaneous or induced abortions and those who had not had an abortion."

National Cancer Institute"

Induced abortion is not linked to an increase in breast cancer risk. Spontaneous abortion is not linked to an increase in breast cancer risk.

Abortion is not a choice that most women make lightly, or happily. I sure didn't. But it was the wrong time for me to be pregnant, just as it wasn't for you.  You sound like a good mom, and a good wife - and a woman who found herself in a difficult situation, and made the best decision you could at the time.

Don't beat yourself up, and stop looking for reasons to blame yourself.  Breast cancer is caused by an interaction of your specific genes with your specific environment.

Concentrate on making the right treatment decisions, so that you will be here to raise your three lovely kids.

If you need to talk, there is a private chatroom - please feel free to PM me, if you would like to talk more.

Let-It-Be

I never took the birth control pill.  I still got it.  So if abortion is ruled out, I can vouch that not taking the pill doesn't save you from BC.  Breast fed my son for 3 years.... Ate very well, exercised... Although I can say to you, don't beat yourself up, I have done the same wondering what if, but it really doesn't matter.  You learn, it is what it is.

Acceptance and forgiveness.   You will move through it, it's a process. 

And I echo the first post.  Post here and offer advice, you end up teaching yourself as you help others. 

Good luck and stay strong!

KerryMac

Just wanted to welcome you. Please try not to feel guilty about what has happened to you. You did nothing wrong. Put all your energy instead towards beating this monster for good.

Anonymous

Dear beatbc09,

ICanDoThis ~ said it all, and you should not feel guilty.  We don't know why BC occurs in so many women, but it does.  Just focus on your treatment and welcome to the stage III group. 

idaho

If they knew what caused breast cancer - they could cure it!   Cancer is a crap shoot.... we lost.. concentrate on healing and know that God loves you.     Peace and health to you.   Tami

Bugs

You did not cause your breast cancer.  Stand in front of the mirror and repeat that daily.  Feeling guilty takes important energy away from you when you need it the most.  Come here often...we understand what you are going through.

Welcome to our stage III forum.  Sorry you had to join us

Bugs

karen1956

the reason you got breast cancer is because 1 in 8 women  will get breast cancer in their life time!!!  The biggest risk for BC is being female!!!!  You did not do anything to cause it....Sending you hugs...sorry that you have to join this sisterhood, but glad you found us.....((((((((HUGS)))))))

kimber3006

One of the biggest problems I had when I was first diagnosed was beating myself up for getting it, for not catching it sooner, for "ruining" the wonderful life my husband and our 4 year old had.  These ladies are so right, though.  None of us did anything to deserve this.  It attacked us for no reason - just bad luck.  It is so much better to turn your energy toward fighting it!  These boards have been a lifesaver for me.  As they told me, sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.  There are a few of us diagnosed in our 30's with small kids.

Iza

I am sorry you are feeling this way! All I can say is, to me it looks like you never had a chance, until now, of mourning your loss. The pain was just hiding but it was there all along. While you were busy having your children and living life, that pain was silent and invisible. Now that cancer has forced you to confront your worst ghosts, that other ghost woke up and is now giving you a hard time.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself, accept that you are not perfect and you did what you thought was best given the circumstances. Love yourself, put that memory in a safe place in your mind (don't forget about it, just take a good, long look at it, then wrap it carefully and put it away), and move on. 

Hugs,

Iza

everyminute

Welcome - sorry you had to join us. 

I won't repeat what others have already said so well.  when I start beating myself up for various issues, I remind myself that there are awful, horrible people that live til 101 with no more than a cold now and again and there are wonderful, beautiful people (many right here!!!) that are diagnosed with cancer.  It's a crap shoot - you didnt cause it. 

Now...do you know about our exercise challenge?  I will give you the first few days off...all you have to do is take a walk every day!

Beverly11

Welcome to the club you most did not want to join!   I have struggled with guilt over BC too!  It is a waste of energy.  And like it was said we don't know the cause.  Some books are stupid and will bring up ridiculous ideas so be careful what you read.  I was on birth control pills for many years and wonder about that but again another waste of energy now.  I did everything else right I think.  Exercise, ate well, breast fed my babies.....

Mary you make me laugh.  Always wanted a personal trainer.  

Faith316

It may help you to talk to someone.  Take care of yourself.  Let all the wonderful women here on the forum help you.  That is what we do here.  Support each other.  We are all in the same boat.

Hattie

Please be kind to yourself.  Everyone else had great thoughts for you.

We live as best we can and take the next best step forward.  You did right in the past, as best as you or anyone could.  Now, forward.

I had little kids too and despite my thoughts, I am still here ushering them successfully into adulthood, and enjoying life very very much.

Take care, and be kind to yourself.  You did nothing to deserve this.  Just move forward, with whatever help yoou need (lots is here.) 

 --Hattie 

lexi4

I am so sorry that you have joined our club. Agreeing with the other ladies here. Don't beat yorself up. Focus on getting well. We are here to help you through.

HUgs and Prayers,

Lexi

AnacortesGirl

I'm very sorry you have this diagnosis.  Lots of good things already posted  (these ladies are great!).

Those lifestyle risks are a real hot button for me.  I guess they are supposed to be helpful but I really don't see how.  You either join the BC club or you don't; the stories of women with high lifestyle risks and no BC and the stories of women with no risks but have a BC dx are countless.  The past doesn't matter.  It's all about the now.  You've said your life is great so that tells me you have, in fact, been making very good life decisions.  That's what really matters -- the good life and family you have now. 

We're here for you.

helena67

Hi

There is no link between abortion and breast cancer. It's nonsense. A fairy tale invented by ultrasound conservatives trying to make women feel guilty. It's like believing that the earth is flat.

Focus on yourself. Chances are good that you come out OK. Seek a good oncologist at a comprehensive cancer center and get good treatment!

My diagnosis is similar to yours. I have small kids too. I am fine - and so will you.

Have faith. And we will be here for you.

-Helena.

helena67

Now why did I write ultrasound?

I meant ultra-right!

Well, you get the picture.

apple

many women feel guilty... it's so silly.

we shouldn't do that.   We just need to focus on fighting this beast.

good luck and welcome beatbc09

GramE

Someone once told me that "guilty" is like in a court of law:   done on purpose, and meant to cause harm.

Regret is perhaps a better word - wish you had done it differently, but no harm was intended or caused. 

kim40

Beatbc09

Welcome to the club that no one wants to join.  We have all been where you are only a short time ago.  Please don't beat yourself up.  You didn't nothing wrong. Put your energy towards fighting this beast.  You can do it and we will help you.

Leah_S

Repeat after me:

I DID NOT CAUSE MY BREAST CANCER. I DID NOT CAUSE MY BREAST CANCER. I DID NOT CAUSE MY BREAST CANCER. ID DID NOT CAUSE MY BREAST CANCER.

Now. Deep breath.

You need your energy, both physical and emotional, for healing. Abortiuons don't cause bc. I'm not Catholic and my knowledge of Church theology is weak, but I think you should read and reread Jo-5's post.

Stage 3 bc is tough, but it's not a death sentence. Chances are very good that you'll be around for a long time to raise those 3 wonderful kids.

I wish you the best.

Leah

jenn3

Welcome.  Although this isn't the place you wanted to find yourself you will find plenty of support here.  I mirror what has been said earlier - don't beat yourself up.  We didn't choose this, nor did we cause it to happen to us, it happens.  Please come here when you want to talk, vent or just ramble on about something.

diana50

everyone here has such great insight and ideas about dealing with this issue.  breast cancer is sneaky...breast cancer does what it wants....breast cancer can hide for years....the good news is this: there are great treatments...great doctors who will take care of you...survivors who will hold your hand and hold you up.

once diagnosed; you will have a plan of attack....you will fight...and we will be here for you.

one day at a time;' hang in there. we are here.

diana50

momand2kids

beatbc--

big hugs to you.  I did some research on grief a few years ago--- one thing that stuck with me is that when we suffer a loss, any losses in our past that were not grieved often present themselves, making the grieving for our present loss even more difficult.

I think bc sometimes feels like a loss- a temporary one in most cases, thankfully, but a loss nonetheless.  We lose our idea of ourselves in excellent health, at least while we are in treatment.  We lose our sense of ourselves in the world, at least for a short time.  I think that, your earlier loss might now be bubbling to the surface to be grieved along with your BC.

Perhaps talking to  a counselor would be helpful-you have alot going on and it can sometimes be helpful just to unload all of it to someone who is impartial and can just listen.  

I am Catholic as well and would echo Jo's comments-- forgiveness is a huge part of the faith--- forgiveness of others, but more importantly, forgiveness of ourselves.  We are human, mortal and we sometimes make decisions we regret... but often for what seems to be very good reasons at the time.  I know this is hard to work through, made harder  by bc- but I think you will be able to do it and be around a good long time for those young ones.....

I wish you great peace....

Gabrielle

I remember talking about guilt when I went to Johns Hopkins 10 years ago for a 2nd opinion.  The female doctor who examined me said only women beat themselves up about getting cancer -- she never heard a man blame himself for getting testicular or prostate cancer.

You did not cause your cancer.  And, I'm an ultra-right conservative Catholic -- who thinks the supposed link between abortion and bc is bs.   

You did not cause your cancer.  Not your abortion, your weight gain, stress in your life, nada; none of that caused it.  You will find as you start this journey how little is known about cancer.  Time to put all that guilt aside and believe that you will be a survivor. 

Best of luck to you,

-Gabrielle  

Moissy

Hi Beat,

Glad you found this forum. I think we all have asked ourselves if there is something we've done to cause our cancer. You're definitely not alone there. Heck, even my husband wondered if it was something HE had done and was being punished for. Not so! Cancer often makes you take a closer look at yourseIf. But I am unaware of any connection between abortion and BC.

I previously worked as a volunteer at a Christian crisis pregnancy center. One of the programs that was offered there was PACE - Post Abortion Counseling and Education. Abortion was not encouraged or offered at the facility. However the PACE program was offered to help women who were experiencing issues related to abortions they had in the past. Often women came in years after the fact to deal with regret that they felt. The group was led by a Christian woman who had herself experienced an abortion years earlier. The purpose of the group was to allow them to experience God's healing. All confidential.

I agree with Jo that God is in the business of forgiving. You may find some extra emotional healing in this area if you check out a Christian crisis pregnancy center near you.

You will get lots of great advice on these boards. Hope some of our thoughts may help you.

Moissy

DCMom

I PM'd Beat to let her know there was a long thread of support here.  She has not posted anything else, but I hope she does return to see what all of you supportive, intelligent, been there women have had to say. 

Beat- hope you do come back, but if not I appreciate all of the kindness of these ladies and I am sure someone else will gain from this thread with similar issues of guilt so thanks for bringing up a sensitive topic.

God Bless

bejuce

Dear Beat,

I'm sorry you (and all of us here, really) are going through this.  I don't have much to add to the above, except say that your diagnosis and situation are similar to mine so please do not feel like you're alone.  

As for your guilt, I had a lot of it in the beginning - not only coming from me, but from all the comments I heard that made me feel like it was my fault.  Comments that ranged from the absurd (from my mother-in-law, of all people, blaming my BC on my years of swimming as if swimming every day in a pool causes BC!), to the downright annoying (you were too stressed, your diet was wrong, you ate too much red meat, you breastfed for too long (huh???), etc, etc, etc).  I heard it all to the point of thinking that I was to blame.

I've come around some, but it does take time.  I'm still healing and doing my best to ignore all those stupid comments and misperceptions that people have.  I hope that in time you'll come around and not blame yourself too.  Time and God are your best friends.  Reach out to God, pray, go deep in your heart to feel all the joys and blessings of your kids and family, and know that this is just temporary and will too pass.

I wish you all the best in your treatment and recovery.  I'll be praying and thinking of you.  Oh, and btw, there's absolutely no link between BC and abortions.  If that were the case, BC rates in rural China and India would be huge due to all the abortions of girls performed there.

Sending you hugs and much love,

Bejuce  

SusieMTN

ICanDoThis is right no link between abortions and BC. 

Do not beat yourself up, instead look at this like a battle, we are warriors after all, gear up, eat right and take good care of yourself........Focus on what you need to do to get thru treatment....

Big Hug to you!  Where are you in treatment?