Mom doesn't know I have Breast Cancer

LoriR

Cookiegal - for some reason I cant reply to your PM - but Yes it did make me laugh - I live just north of Baltimore so I remember the "sniper" - I was actually hoping for a foot of snow today so then she wouldn't be able to drive here - it is 55 degrees - don't think that is going to happen but I like the ambien idea!

Julie- thanks for the great advice and words of encouragement - I am actually going to print this out and then maybe go into the "meeting" like I would at work - with some bullet points.  Yes my hair is very different - it was down to my shoulders before and of course since chemo it has grown back some but I am only 4 months PFC so I look like a "boy"

Elizabeth - thanks so much for the support - as always you ladies on here have been amazing!

MaineCoonKitty

Nope, Lori, you're not the only one!  My own mother passed away 2 years ago and although I miss her very much, I am very relieved that I was diagnosed after she passed away because I could have never told her.  She was a compulsive "fusser" and always saw the worst possible outcome when anyone had medical problems.  I could not have stood her thinking my cancer was an automatic death sentence and her thinking every little twinge or ache I have is yet another symptom of a recurrence.  The ironic thing......she had thyroid cancer in her middle 40's when I was about 8 yrs old.  Her doctors told her that she wouldn't live to see me turn 9, but she lived to be 92 years old and never had a recurrence of the cancer after the thyroid was removed!

I had fibroid tumors for years and when I decided to have a hysterectomy, I never told her because I'm an only child and I was her only hope of having grandchildren.  I couldn't bear to have to listen to the guilt she'd try to hang on me for denying her that opportunity, so I never told her and she'd lay the guilt on me anyway for not giving her grandchildren at every holiday dinner.

I can honestly say that I'm glad that I was spared having to tell her about this cancer and having to constantly be fussed over and made to feel as if I'm living a death sentence.  I just couldn not have dealt with that and I'm sure it would have made this journey much more difficult.

My best advice is take care of you first and deal with your mom later.

LoriR

MaineCoonkitty

My brother has a MaineCoon He is a BIG cat!  Thank you so much for your story.  Your Mom sounds very much like mine! 

It is done - I did it tonight.  I did chicken out some what and had my brother tell her the basics and then I called her and told her I would drive the half hour over to my brothers to visit her - her response "are you up for the drive"  I might not have mentioned this here but I am a runner and ran and worked full time all during chemo/radaition -she knew I was doing this all summber because I was in 5 or 6 races one of which one was 11 miles long - I think I can manage a 1/2 hour drive but I understand I guess.  She had just heard the news and still hasn't processed that I am not Susan Serandon on "step mom".   In any case I acted like the whole thing was a non-issue.  It is done I am fine next subject.  She threw a few jabs at me.  Somehow my devote catholic mother thinks the fact her 42 year old (youngest of 3) child got bc is a miracle - "ok mom if that makes in alright in your head then I will not debate you on that one.  I am sure over time she will continue the jabs but the issue is now hers and no longer mine and the burden that has been lifted off my back feels great!  I am so relieved! 

koshka1

Hi Ladies..

It has been almost 2 years and I have never told my Mother.

I had my first ever mammogram about 5 days after I had to put my Mom into a care home.  My Mom is doing good and mentally ok and all of that stuff...she has Parkinsons and needs help and can't live alone.

Anyway, I had 2 lumpectomies, did rads and no chemo so in a way it was easy to get away with it. I remember a week or so after surgery helping my Mom out of the car with bandages still on my boob. 

I just have never been able to have the heart to tell her. My Mom worries like there is no tomorrow..she would work herself up into a frenzy and probably never sleep again.  I have not had the heart to tell her.

Now that 2 years has past I still haven't and probably wont. 

I read through your posts and I really know what you are going through and how you are feeling.

I really think we have to think of ourselves first in this situation and what helps us get through this.  If telling them is gonna cause too much angst (sp) then don't do it.  If later down the road you tell them and they get mad...oh well..that too shall pass.

Hugs and be strong.....

Kosh

cookiegal

I get your point of view. However that's only an option if you do not have an obvious physical change.

I thought about this, but my mom would have said what happened to your breasts!

I could have just told her I was having plastic surgery, but at that point she would have been worried anyway, and concerned about the cost......I figured I would rather deal with her stressing about what I did have.

 LORI HOW DID IT GO!

EWB

Big sigh of relief and big hugs Lori.

LoriR

It did go better than expected - she actually said she was proud of me being such a trooper.  she couldn't believe that I worked and ran all thru treatment and let her complain to me on the phone every week and never said a word.  She asked me when exactly I had planned on telling her.  I said I would when the time was right and that is now.  She asked me if I needed any medications now and before I could even say Tamox... she was on to another subject.  I didn't try to finish my sentence... nor did I even begin to try and explain Herceptin.  I left that whole part out. So as far as she knows I am completely done with treatment.  There was no need to get into the whole technical side of pathology report. Have no fear tho she will obsess over it now that she knows but like I said before the monkey is off my back now.  HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone and thank you all soooooo much for your support - hugs to all

cookiegal

yea! Don't you feel better!!!!!

One of these days she may call you with some annoying clueless question, but you will deal.

Big step!

Yea!

covertanjou

Lori, I am also the daughter of an Italian-Catholic mom, and I am sooooo glad everything went well!!  Enjoy the rest of your day. 

konakat

What a relief Lori!!!!!!!  I'm very happy that you've got this off your shoulders.  This is very good news!!

Laurie09

Lori, very glad you were able to get it over with!  It must be a relief. 

(Hugs)

Jelson

glad it went so well. what a relief for you. I agree with cookiegal that you will hear more about it, but the worst is behind you. Happy Thanksgiving and on to CHRISTMAS....

Julie E