Mom doesn't know I have Breast Cancer

LoriR

I havden't told my Mom about my breast cancer - and am fretting over the whole thing.  I was dx in Feb, had two surgeries, chemo, radiation and continue herceptin and I have yet to tell her. She lives 5 hours away from me so I haven't seen her since April - After my surgery but before I lost my hair.  It is so hard for me to explain this women but if any of you out there have an Italian catholic for a Mother you know what I am afraid of.  The whole thing would be about Her and not me - it would be about the fact that SHE has so suffer because she has a daughter with bc - by the way she is 72 and I am 42 - dysfunctional I know!!!  It is not that we don't talk or don't get along we do - it is that she will drive herself and everyone around her crazy with worry and somehow make me feel guilty that I somehow b rought BC on myself because I didn't/don't go to church.  Any way I am feeling like the only one in the world who has tried to hide their diagnosis - am I???

rinna40

I didn't hide my diagnosis from my very similar mother-in-law. When she heard, she had to phone all the relatives and I swear, I sometimes think she enjoyed it. Right after my diagnosis, she and my father-in-law went on a long awaited holiday on the Queen Mary - very expensive for them.  When they came back all she could talk about was about how hard it was to enjoy it. I swear, I would have had more fun. I just decided that obsessing is her gig. I get through my conversations with her and move on. I'm lucky that my husband is of the same opinion as I am, and in those early days when I couldn't talk to her he did. Now that I am almost done with treatments (and I'm old news) it is easier.

LoriR

OMG - your MIL sounds like she might be related to my Mom - yes - the first thing she will do is call everyone in the family and of course we have a BIG family.  It will consume her and the comment you made about her not having fun because of your dx sounds JUST like my mom.  And your comment about getting to the point when I am "old news" will be when it is over.  I thinkg I am going to break down and tell her over Thanksgiving????  I think????  Thank you for your reply!

desdemona222b

I didn't want to tell my folks but I couldn't help myself.  Both of my parents are worry warts - there's a strong worry-wart gene in my family and we're WASPS. 

cookiegal

Ok...there was a whole thread devoted to my mama drama. Telling my mom was the most frightening part of this whole experience. I really wanted to die.

At the end of the day I made a very complete plan for telling her. We visited her, gave her birthday presents, got a glass of wine in her and told her. I had all the facts up front, so she didn't have a chance to ask a lot of questions.

For me it all turned out ok. Good luck, I know how draining this can be. 

I also spoke to a councilor who said I needed to tell her what my boundaries were and what I needed her to do.

PM me if you need help. 

LoriR

Cookeigal and desdamona -

 Thank you for your replies - I am literally more afraid of her reaction than I was of chemo.  I used to smoke and I still enjoy a beer now and then  - Thru all of this I have never had anyone tell me it was my fault I got BC - and I can't even go there in my own mind.  She will no doubt have some judgement because I haven't lived a "clean" life. 

Cookiegal - I didn't know were to post so I didn't see your thread - were is it? 

konakat

Hi Lori -- I absolutely understand.  It's been over 2.5 years and I still haven't told my Mom.  My reasons are a bit similar, a bit different.  In a nutshell, my decision was based on me worrying about her worrying about me -- protecting Mom's happiness as she gets older (she's 84, I'm 47).  And I live a 7 hours drive away in the US (Mom and family in Canada).  Unfortunately I just may have to break her heart soon -- I'm moving back to Canada.

I got a lot of crap from people for not telling my Mom.  Some will try to make you feel guilty by saying it's your Mom's right to know or if you were her you'd want to know.  If you decide not to tell her but tell others, be careful of who you tell -- there are "do-gooders" who might blab to your Mom. 

Anyway -- measure the pro's and cons.  Do what you want to do.  This is about you.  I know some people will be angry at me for saying this, for not having told my Mom and supporting you if you decide to do the same.  If and when you tell her and she gets upset, it is because she loves you.

I got to find the mama drama thread -- I might need it soon!  Or start mama drama part 2 thread.

Good luck Lori, in whatever you decide.

LoriR

konakat

you hit the nail on the head in so may ways - I guess my hardest part is accpeting the fact that I have to do what is best for me and STOP worrying about how she will respond - I have spent the best part of my adult life trying to make sure everyone around me is happy without taking into account my own happiness.  It doesn't work!

Jaimieh

I had a hard time I found out on Christmas Eve and hosted my family on Christmas day.  The only person I told was my sister because I needed her help getting into a doctor's appt.  I told her the next day and just like I thought she yelled "WHY ME" for about 5 minutes until I yelled back "It's not about you, it's about ME".  After all of this everything was fine but I guess I am exhausting to her . 

lassie11

I had a hard time telling my Dad who is 94 (I was 62) - my son came with me and helped. It is remarkable how a parent still worries no matter how old we all get. As my sister said, with a father that bright and alert, it would have been hard to hide. One of the reasons I decided to tell him is the experience of an older friend. Her son lives half way across the country and thought he could get away without telling her about his prostate cancer. One day one of his friends asked her how he was doing with his treatments. She knew nothing until then. You just never know who is going to tell

Anonymous

LoriR  I go thru the same thing with my DIL.  She is such an Italian Drama Queen, and not matter what happens with anyone in the family especially her kids, It's always about her.  I'm close to her but she obsesses about EVERYTHING. Nothing is sacred once she finds out about it.  She calls everyone in the family.  She always ends up wiith some kind of major medical or emtional issue and than seeks attention from everyone.  She drives my daughter nuts over it.

Merilee

Telling my grown daughter was the worst

Laurie09

I have to tell you your post made me feel better. 

I, too, found telling my Mom one of the hardest parts.  She lives close by, so even though I considered not telling her, I knew I had to as she'd know when she saw me with no hair!  I felt guilty about feeling that way...  

I also felt guilty because I could tell she wanted to come down and go to my chemo appointments with me and I didn't want her there.  I felt like it would be me trying to make her feel more comfortable and I'd have to be strong for her, not the other way around.  So she hasn't come with me, and I do feel guilty..  but it was what I had to do for myself to get through treatment. 

I totally understand your concern and I think you should do what you have to do for yourself. 

cookiegal

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topic/740116?page=1#idx_18 

Ouch you will see what I mess I was. I have come a long way!

I don't know why this link doesn't work...thread is called telling my mother.

If you cut and paste it works.

LoriR

Thank you everyone for you posts - alas I am not alone in this.  Many of your comment's about your mom's in some aspects at least sounds much like my own.  funny thing is that I have a 16 year old and I know I would never make her feel like I was unapproachable about difficult topics (haha - god I hope I am doing a better job at that - I try).  Growing up with my Mom it was made very clear that you needed to just tell her what she wanted to hear instead of what you wanted to say.  That is why the distance between us keeps us from butting heads.  I don't have to say anything but ah ha on the phone - no matter what her drama she NEVER wants advice because she is always right so you just say "ah ha" Oh  and "I know" and you are the best daughter ever   (haha)  I think I actually truly stood up for myself with her once in my entire adult life.  pathetic huh = in any case I have actually solicited "big brother" to do the initial communcation and than I will do the clean up -  I just know how incredibly emotionally draining it will be and I am just not up for that - on the other hand I can no longer bare the burden of the "secret"  It wakes me up at night..

cookiegal - I read your posts - thanks for the link - as you can see I too am a mess!!!

cookiegal

I think you want to practice or role play.....have information ready to go. Maybe get some wine into her and then make her watch the herceptin movie?

I also got an ice cream cake which distracted her as well.

It is much like a kid, distract and re direct.

Also really think through the questions, " what do you need from her?"

 I told my mom stop calling for test results, when I have information I will call you.

cxm

LoriR - you poor thing! the very LAST thing you need is to have added stress of your Mum's reaction. Actually I am a mum who was fortunate that my daughter confided and relied on me when she was going through her ordeal. However, I do know that she worried about how I was coping with it all. I think cookiegal is right - just present her with the facts and some printed information and tell her what you need her to do, not what she thinks you need her to do.And for goodness sake - get any idea out of your head that this is punishment for a lifestyle that your mum does not approve of!! perhaps give your mum the name of a counsellor for her to talk to.

You need to focus on getting well - stress is not good - it wears down your immune system (no. I don't have evidence of that but I am certain of it!).

Last resort - can the priest talk to her??

Best of luck LoriR, with your recovery and with you rmum.

Cxm from Australia

cxm

Rinna40 - you just have to laugh - (did you apologise for spoiling their holiday??) some people just have NO idea...Good luck to you too with your recovery.

cxm from Australia

Jelson

Lori R

My mother passed away 5 years before I was diagnosed. Maybe this is a variation on "it is all about me", but I think she would have blamed herself and been very sad and despairing since she lost alot of dear friends to breast cancer over the years and although I would have made an effort to educate her about the treatments available now that weren't available in the 1950s-80s I think she would have assumed the worst! I would have told her - after I had made my treatment plan, but mainly because she lived in close proximity. 

You have succeeded in getting through almost all of your treatment and you protected yourself by avoiding a big stressor (mom) by what, a sin of omission? Congratulations- Good job! Now, the stress of concealment is outweighing the benefit.   Though it might make you choke, can you minimize the whole thing? "I had a small lump in my breast, it was removed, I had treatment and now I am getting preventive treatment and the prognosis is good!" So, when is the turkey going to be ready? 

And if that doesn't work, perhaps we could take a tip from my mom was famous for being "frank" ie brutal. You tell your mom. she freaks out like you anticipate she will, and she is especially angry and blaming because you didn't tell her before - Well I think my mom would have said " look at you, look at your behavior, this is exactly WHY I didn't tell you. 

Good luck 

Julie E

thepinkbirdie

I'm so glad I found this topic!  I too have a momma drama.  I dreaded telling her because she has always portrayed herself as the victim.

I came to MUSC for my surgery and my treatments.  Had I stayed back home with her, I would have been miserable.

I'll skip through a lot of details of how I got from there to here, but the short of it is...

When I worked up the nerve to go to her home to tell her of my diagnosis, she couldn't even let me tell her.  She had to jump ahead of me to guess why I was there and had guessed that I was pregnant!  Wrong!  Sorry, mom, I've got breast cancer.

When I learned that I needed a biopsy, I avoided telling her, deciding to wait instead if the diagnosis was cancer.  I also avoided telling my mother about my hair loss or any complications I've had with reconstruction, etc.  She's only going to be a know it all and/or start with all the sadness crap.  I can't take that kind of stuff any more.

Why do so many mothers make their daughters feel guilty for living their own lives??  I can't tell you the number of times my mom has told me that I've brought something upon myself or that I've been nothing but trouble to her.

Sorry for such a long rant/story.  I know I'm not the only one with mother issues, but boy did it help to actually see others here who have had issues too with their mom. 

A good book to read is Mamma Drama and another one is Boundaries. 

LoriR

Julie - thank you so much for your post - your suggestions are great ones and it is probably the way I will go - Just in the last couple of days I have felt a whole lot better just because I have kinda resolved myself to telling her.  It has literally lifted a weight.  Now just one more step - actually telling her - and it will be done!

Marie- thank you for the book referral - I will have to check them out - it sounds like your Mom and mine are very similar.  Like I said earlier - I hope I don't end up doing the same thing to my daughter.

cookiegal

Though it might make you choke, can you minimize the whole thing? "I had a small lump in my breast, it was removed, I had treatment and now I am getting preventive treatment and the prognosis is good!" So, when is the turkey going to be ready?

I think this might be a good choice if your mother is really a mess.

EnglishMajor

Whew! My parents are deceased, so I don't face this challenge. My mom had IBC and died two years after diagnosis when I was in my teens. My father was of the old school (when he was growing up people just died, you never said the the big C word) and did not tell his family, which lived on the opposite coast. When my mom died, this was the first of them hearing about her having cancer. How awful. 

When I learned I had BC, I could not repeat that scenario. I was fortunate in that my siblings told my relatives, I would not have wanted to make those calls. 

 While I miss my folks, I am glad I don't have to share this with them. My father's coping mechanism for his and others' illness was to intellectualize all aspects of the disease. But he never learned how to use a computer. So I am sure he would be having various siblings do all manner of Internet searches and calling those siblings in the medical field for bulletins. 

I know it would be done out his love and concern for me, but it would be hard to deal with! 

Ozzi

I have been reading your messages and don't even know where to start. You really touched a nerve with me.   I am married and my inlaws (MIL and Sister In Law ) are major drama queens.  I always say - I was diagnosed with BC and they all went on anti-depressants. . . to this day it is an issue.  I can only advise that you be careful what you share and what impact you let them have on you. . . . . . . . I wish I could advise more - but i still haven't gotten this right. . . . .

LoriR

Ozzi and Eiglish Major - Thank you for your posts -  Cancer has hit our extended family very hard - one cousin - bc, two aunts lung cancer, uncle - bladder, Grandmother - lung, grandmother BC, all got diagnosed, got treated and died.  My Mom is not a positvie person anyway so she will totally see only the negative in this and it will totally be about her having to deal with having a child with cancer - it won't be about me.  I just feel like I have got to get rid of the burden of the secret.  It obviously is not affecting her on a daily basis since she hasn't a clue but it affects me - I think about it every day and worry that she has found out from some other person who knows.  It is so weird because I have no problem telling anyone - I can tell the check out girl at Wal-mart but not my Mom?????

Laurie09

I think you're very normal - I do think it's much easier to tell people you don't know as well than it is to tell your Mom.  I'm glad you're making a plan to tell her, as I think it will take a lot of weight off your mind. 

I took the approach of trying to minimize it when I told my Mom.

I said something like, "I found a lump in my breast and it came back as a carcinoma so I'm going to have to have treatment, but the prognosis is good.  Lots and lots of women go through this every day and do just fine, and I will too." 

...then move on to the next topic before she has a chance to get too serious about it...

LoriR

getting super nervous - Wednesday I think will be THE day - my brother lives near me and so she is driving to my brothers tomorrow!!! and then I will see her on Wednesday - it both consumes me now and I am to the point that I just want to get it out there and get it over with!

cookiegal

for such a special holiday drinking is in order!

Jelson

Broaching the subject with your mom:

I can see the anxiety of anticipating saying "Mom, there is something I need to tell you...."  YIKES! Is your hair different now? maybe your mom will notice  and that will be the start of the conversation? can you plan something with your brother? can someone help you get the topic on the table? the new standards for mammography perhaps? how have you been Lori? - asking you a question (not in a way that would rub in that others knew and your mom didn't)

The Content:

minimize! emphasize the positive!

Dealing with Reaction:

I am focusing on your mom possibly responding with why didn't you tell me? ( ie what will people think???) Perhaps before resorting to being brutally frank (my first suggestion), how about pre-empting your mom, the reason you didn't tell, was TO PROTECT HER, you wanted to tell but you knew how upset it would make her to know what you were going through and you wanted to spare her!!!  Now that you are WELL on your way to recovery, it is such a relief to be able to tell her, since NOW she does not have to worry.

You will give this your best shot, hopefully your mom will surprise you.. 

And no matter what, remember, you did stand up for yourself, you protected yourself when you were most vulnerable, you are doing what you feel to be the right thing now that you are strong enough and we are here cheering you on.

Julie E

cookiegal

Excellent advice. Nothing to add. Except.....

You could just this once top her pumpkin pie with ground up ambien and know what ever her reaction she'll be sleeping soon!

konakat

I'll be thinking of you Lori -- and hopin that it goes much better than you anticipate.  All the above advice is excellent -- emphasize the positive with frequent "Want another slice of pie Mom".  And turn the conversation to something nice happening in your Mom's life -- she can then talk about her church, the neighbours, whatever, to get the focus off you.  Let us know how it goes!  Big hugs,

Elizabeth