Sisterhood of the Secret Handshake

AllieM22

Thanks all re: cute doggie comments. He is my little love bunny!! Although he is at present impeding my typing by bumping my arm--he wants his dinner!

Ok don't laugh--I have a big adventure this weekend--I screwed up my apt time with my hair guy and he can't get me in for two weeks as it's the holidays and he's completely booked soooooo....I am going to try to patch my roots myself--oh the terror of at home coloring!!! Now I only have a few areas I need to hit but it's going to be interesting. I got semi-permanent so hopefully will not do irreparable damage...maybe I should just hold out. Wish me luck!!

Rachel_BC

Allie- tell me what you can and I'll ask Joseph for tips  How exciting!  Have FUN!  Take before and after pics!!!  Good luck!

pkb143

hey, Allie, don't worry, I've been coloring my hair at home for YEARS!! Once or twice a year I do go in and let a 'professional' do it, or I get highlights, but Preference (Loreal) has been my friend for a long, long time. I don't think I've ever had a major problem with it. Of course, my beautician scoffs a little about it, but I think she may be just a little biased on the subject. Of course, they're going to tell you that you shouldn't color your own hair!

The truth of the matter is, the girl who's been cutting my hair for the last year is a friend of mine who just graduated from beauty school last year. She apparently is not confident enough and/or still learning the ropes as every time she cuts my hair, it takes her TWO HOURS!! Seriously. Yeah, I end up with a great haircut, but right now, it's all I can do to sit still that long. So when I get ready for color, I can't even THINK about how long THAT might take, so I've been doing it myself all this year.

And the next time I do it, I'm going CRAZY and mixing two shades together.....!! 

**hey Rach, enjoyed that blurb about Keith Richards doing the country song -- who would've thought???

LeggyJ

Oh Rachel, I'm so sorry if I made it sound like you said, my hair looks like pubic hair.  You didn't!!!!  No, this lady told me a friend of hers, had BC, and went through chemo., and her friend said "Nothing like getting pubic hair on your head"....she told me this story after she saw my hair, for the first time after SFBC!  I didn't take offense, kind of thought it was funny.  But like you said it does take about a year, to look normal, when your hair comes back curly and salt & pepper.  Sorry for the confusion, Chemo. brain....

Cabo, sounds nice, it was really wet and cold today.

Allie, I'm going to Fort Bragg with the ex....he has two dogs, so we'll see how Wolfie gets along. I may see if my Mojo is back, but I don't think so... 

LeggyJ

I still hate my hair, though.

lisa-e

Aw, Leggy, I think your hair looks good! Anyway, Fort Bragg sounds like fun. As does Cabo!



Dh and I are going to my sister's in Merced for Thanksgiving. I read folk's stories about their family and wonder if my family is unusual. Everyone gets along, everyone is pretty much sane, and I enjoy seeing them.



I am spending this weekend going to a yoga intensive. The first class was tonight. There are two classes tomorrow, morning and afternoon, the a final class on Sunday.

BooBee

Mojo......mmmmmmm.  Now that's something that's faded away (to oblivion) post SFBC.  I'm married to the most supportive wonderful man ever but he's no longer interested in sex.  He hugs me kisses me and in general he's pretty loving.  But sex? ... Not so much. 

TMI alert.  We're friends aren't we?  For the record, I had a lumpectomy so the girls are still there.  I gained 25 LBS on chemo...on top of 40 excess poundage.  Prior sex life was good. He's not having an affair; we work together night and day.

Once I finished chemo, I decided to get frisky with the DH and was shot down...several times.  I started to realize that maybe this was more difficult for him than it was for me.  So I thought I would take care of him (if you know what I mean).  For the first time in 30 years, (married 26) he said he "wasn't ready."  I thought he was kidding so I laughed.  He wasn't kidding.  He stood there and cried and said he just couldn't do it. 

WHAT?  I said. (On my knees)

I felt so bad for him that I just let it go.   Okay, not really.  I stewed about it for days, working up a really good pissy feel sorry for myself attitude that exploded in the kitchen one night.  I sobbed while explaining to him how much I wanted to be normal again and part of that included being one with my husband. 

Now my tears and rants normally produce results but not this time.  He gave me a lame excuse about fearing rejection. (I was on my knees!?!?)   I told him that no one had ever made me feel as ugly and rejected as he had. So we went to bed, spooned all night, but that was it.  4 days later I got courtesy sex.  That's a whopping total of twice in one year.

I haven't asked since.  I did pick up some KY at the store and pranced it around the house two weeks ago but nada. 

So here is my fear, I'm getting my recon (lift) in a few weeks and if he tries to touch me when the boobs look good I will unload an entire clip of "f#ck you" all over him.  Needless to say, he is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

Whew.....sorry about that.  Must have hit a nerve.

I'm trying as hard as I can to realize that it effects our significant others more than we will ever know.  He was also the primary caregiver for his dying father two years ago. 

Any suggestions?

HelenaJ

Oh Renee, what a heartfelt post.  Mojo!!  I get so jealous when I read about Mary and all these fab women having a sex life.  I am 47 and my DH is 41 and we have had sex once since I got SFBC - freaked me out so much we forgot to use a condom - period was 2 weeks late...it was a fun time!!!     My DH keeps telling me it is not about the new foobs - (I had a bilateral mastectomy and my exchange was June this year - and they look fcrikeyking gorgeous) - and not to worry it will all be OK over time.  Seems to me 1 year is "time" - are we talking 5 years "time".  He's 41 what is he doing - can't men go insane if they leave it too long? 

Jokes aside, my DH sounds like yours he has been great through all of this SFBC crap but the sex stuff is totally gone.  I have mentioned it b4 about the comparison to when we give birth and the DH's see all "their" domain look like some kind of war zone maybe that is the same when we have all the problems with the Upstairs department.  Maybe that too loses all its mystique.  It has been so long between drinks, if you know what I mean, that to initiate sex with my DH (doh who else!! - Paul Newman looked tempting!!) that it makes me freak out with performance anxiety and nervousness.  That you were going to "take care of him" is so fcrikeyking wonderful and beautiful and to be shot down in flames is just so tragic.  But I have to admit I am way too scared to even try in case there is no reaction.

My foobs look gorgeous but to use your word "nada" happening.

Renee, pretty much the only consolation I can find out of this whole mess is that my friends who don't have SFBC and have been married for a significant amount of time also have similar problems - different but similar.  It's hard to keep the spark alive especially with all the bull crikey we have been through - and you have done chemo - harder still.  Maybe we as woman are putting too much emphasis on sex - total turnaround I know - but maybe with this SFBC we want to be "all woman" again and sex is a great way to reinforce that.  I dunno, I just dunno.

Suggestions?  Mmmm - I'm having a glass of wine and blahing on about it here, practical solutions...Mmmm ...I still am trying to get up the nerve to initiate sex with my DH with my new foobs.  Maybe that courtesy sex wasn't that at all - us woman have an incredible way putting a spin on things in our head that just ain't there.  Women can fake it, men can't.  :O

Good luck honey.  Love the raw honesty.

Sorry if I have offended anyone at all - just keeping it real.

big hugs

Helena

oh, will I press submit or not ................. oh crikey it...

ktym

Chelev: so happy for you

Renee: your post brought tears to my eyes. I too have found that post surgery, chemo, etc.  there are so many emotions and issues for DH and I to deal with.  I don't think there has ever been as much anger and tears, and although we're young, we've been married a long time, and there were many periods of stress and hard times previously.  Life threatening things, money, periods where we had to be separated for work, single parenthood because of it--yep.  What is it about SFBC that is so different?  Wish I knew.  Wish my emotions weren't quite so labile with the on and off Tamox chemopause thing.  That sure the heck isn't helping.  I still don't know what some of the mojo issues were.  I did sit down and put it bluntly one day.  My Onc says use it or lose it.   I refuse to lose it. Don't know why, but it has helped.  

kookiesmom

Chelev - Congrats on NED news!  That must be a huge weight lifted off of you!

Sorry to hear about the men with no mojo.  I have the opposite problem.  Mine wanted to do it the other night even though I was sitting there drinking a huge bottle of gatorade laced with miralax cause I was prepping for my colonoscopy.  He was pretty offended that I didn't want to but jeez give me a break.  I don't know if the female lack of mojo is the same but most of the time I am just too tired from being  busy all the time!  I do comply with his needs and I am fine once things move along but it doesn't occur to me to initiate it at all anymore.   Maybe your guys are  taking certain medications I've heard can make them unable to do it?  I can see the hurt in your posts and I wonder if thats how my DH feels when I say no.  I just need a vacation I think.  A friend of mine's husband takes asthma medicine which made him unable to do the deed but the Dr. gave them viagra or one of those drugs and she said its much better now.  Anyway hope you find something that works.  Like get bootleg viagra and put it in their beer?

I had my colonoscopy/endoscopy and no polyps!  Just a couple of nodules which i don't know what that means and a little diverticulitis.  I really found the whole process to be highly over rated.  The prep wasn't too bad - *TMI alert* I would rather have the runs anyday than puke.  At least I can read on the pot so it isn't so boring.  It wasn't like I was stuck there for hours.  Just had to run to bathroom every 1/2 hour or so and got up a couple times in the night.  But other than that it was easy.  And I lost 4 lbs!

Have a great weekend  all!  I have to go get my turkey today!

Rachel_BC

PattyB part deux -thos Rolling Stones stories do work best in tidbits eh?

Leggy- whew, I was a-sceered I went too far!  This is the same ex who did something really nice recently, right?  Hmmmmm.  Well ya know, enjoy yourself.  When you are not, then that's different, but unless and until then, enjoy!  Yeah, totally understand that you still hate your hair.  Maybe its good perspective to think about someone having your head of hair for your pubes- see, it could be worse.

I woke up early today- the kid was up early with wet cold jammies.  Tried to get him to go back to sleep cuddling with me, no go.  He's watching the Rescuers Down Under in his room while i tried to go back to sleep. Dark thoughts kept coming to me.  I chalk that up to normal PMS, as period is due soon.  Last night I realized that at least some of the "burn" I think I am getting on the elliptical trainer is really hot flashes. Dark thoughts, dark thoughts.  You name it, it flew into my head and I'd bat it away, only to find another fastball of dark thoughts coming at me.  Like, I'd start thinking about what my federal lawyer friend told me last night about my case and how royally screwed up my case was presented, how one kind of motion relies on issues of fact and the appeal relies on issues of law...- but I know I have now 3 lawyers reviewing those papers for submission aside from my lawyer, so then I am thinking about the 3% of women like me who are going to die because of the new Breast Cancer guidelines and what can be done about it, so little...- but I am grateful that I was lucky enough to find mine and think of things I can do to help others... then my lease renewal nightmare rises like a phantom, there's documents to review and emails I didn't read yet...- but I've noticed there's a very deferential attitude coming from all the landlord management people and they want to get me a new microwave, maybe they are offering me really nice stuff and I "won" this battle...and then I think about my friend whose father just died on vacation, in perfect health at 78, he stepped back to view the Sphinx, tripped, fell, hit his head and died nearly instantly....- but... and so on.  I recognize this as the PMS-mood-swing type deal, pop a xanax- even if it will make me slightly stupid and come here to see what you gals are up to.  As I write this, the xanax is kicking in- and/or writing it out is making some of this nightmare stuff lose it's power.  I think part of the pressure is coming from just not having enough time in the day to get everything done, feeling like I am letting down my family and friends, in the simple attempt to have a nice home where I can live in relative peace.  Even as I write that, another dark thought pops up, about how I had already to give up my writing career and figure just trying to keep my home...-but I am still fortunate, it can still work out... but then how much more of my life has to be spent on this, where is a nice place to go but then I LOVE living in NYC... OK so I am still not together.  I miss Leah and the human connection- we had such a fabulous chat.  I have to get the pics up, I have to tell Patty B how incredible she was with her care package to both me and the troops... some of this is the kind of thing that works our nerves just as cancer patients.  As Leah was telling me, (and I hope she wont mind me telling her story without asking first) as much as she was told she'd need to take time- like 6 months to a year to recover fully, she heard six days or a week... this is what we, as women perhaps, think.  It never matters what's making us sick, our families need us and our jobs expect us to show up and perform regardless.  My recovery is so much shorter, without chemo, and still, in a smaller time frame I did the same thing.  OK so there's a bit of the Black Dog rant.

lisa-e Hey, your lovely family gathering, yours and PattyB part deux's gives people like me HOPE.  Nice to know it's possible.  That is a real treasure in life you have, I am so happy for you!  You deserve it!  Yoga intensive- BRAVA!

Renee- as usual, incredibly well spoken.  Blame the Xanax or my typical mouthiness, but I do have some ideas.  He's afraid he's going to lose you.  He saw his father go first hand.  It's  hard to give your wife a good thrashing if you think there's a chance he's going to hurt you, and hard to connect on that level if you think that person might "leave" you- even against her will.  Asking and even teasing aint going to cut it.  Something's got to happen to bring him back into the NOW, that you are here, not planning to go anywhere, and no one knows if tomorrow they will be hit by a bus.  Something that would make you both laugh at yourselves.  Like if you were out camping and everything went wrong and  you're cold and wet and carrying a heavy backpack and you both slip on a muddy trail and go tumbling down a muddy hill and find yourselves at the bottom, dirty, wet, your stuff strewn about, but you're both OK and start laughing your asses off.  (Like that scene from Romancing the Stone sorta.)  Its about not taking yourselves so seriously.  On that side, why would it be so bad if the recon started his engine again?  Straight out,  if the guy is a boob man, ya can't really hold that against him, can ya?  Moreover, guys are supposed to be more "visually" stimulated.  (and don't forget, he's getting older too).  In his case, your appearance could be a reminder of the cancer, which may send his thoughts immediately to losing his Dad.  Sort of "wont be fooled again".  If getting new boobs helps him forget that connection, supports the "suspension of disbelief", then why not?  Some women prefer no boob, some feel incomplete without a rebuild, why should the men in their lives not also have strong feelings?  I am without a man, but when I was with one I really loved, I felt our bodies, as you said, were "one".  So in that way, your body is his body.  It sounds like he is still on "emergency status".  Getting a hard on for you in the hospital would have been inappropriate to say the least.  During recovery and chemo, equally inappropriate.  So what exactly should be the switch to turn him back on?  If it's new boobs, go with that!  It's only a couple weeks remaining, right?  Last but not least, you know the ancient trick... as soon as you don't want it, and become "hard to get" like I don't know if you watched Married With Children but there was a great ep - he never wanted sex with his wife NEVER, but she was cleaning off a picnic table bending over nad he was behind her... Also have you been playing with wigs?  Seems that men even with non-SFBC women get turned on by a wig changing her completely, like they are being with another woman.  Maybe try a little dress-up, complete with obscuring scars, a costume... maybe all that "normal" family Thanksgiving stuff, seeing you doing all the preparations the way you usually do... and maybe he's got some other issue that's completely unrelated to you and SFBC.  But he SAID he was afraid of rejection.  I wonder... is that rejection during, or is that the ultimate rejection of losing you to SFBC.  Something has to snap him back to the NOW.  Maybe something really humorous- I believe in laughter- big time- as a cure-all.  You could get a funny H'ween costume cheap now, maybe with Dolly Parton boobs.  I'm suggesting you make fun of the SFBC with an attitude.

OK gotta stop, only fair to feed the kiddie  

Rachel_BC

Oh and one more thing- 'cause I peeked at Helena's post.  There was an article this week in the NY Post I will try to find again, about how men are getting less erections due to the recession- but women's libidos are UP.  While we were busy fighting for our lives over the last year, the world has CHANGED substantially- and you know men's self image is attached to their financial success.  It may be that these guys would be facing the same problem even their women never got DXd.  Any idea if any of your non-SFBC friends husbands are feeling- or rather, not feeling- the effects?

ktym

Rachel, I know its not considered the typically correct answer, but totally agree with you on the boobie thing.  DH accepted it much better then I did.  I miss my old breast all the time, how could I be surprised if DH felt the same way?  I remember thinking finally one day that I'd come to accept maybe even start to feel some affection for the new reconstructed barbie boobie.  Still don't feel the same way about it as I did the original, but hopefully some day will get there.

Rachel_BC

heartbreaker (mini).... the nanny came and we finished breakfast, as I closed the door to my room while they finished breakfast, my son, who has not yet spoken says "Baaaaaye".  I NEVER say "bye" to my son, I never taught him to say goodbye, and the nannies know not to say "bye" to me when I am going out- none of that "say bye bye to mommy" stuff... partially because I don't want to let him know that I am leaving, hoping he will just figure its like I walked out of the room for a moment to get something, and hoping not to have any crying scenes when I leave (too late for that, its happened a couple times without saying "bye") but most of all because I can NOT imagine ever saying goodbye to my kid.  Every mother feels that way, and I can hardly function when I think of the mothers on this board I have read saying goodbye to their children, like Heidi Ho and Wendy V.  There's also a long story about how my kid was born (by surrogate) and why I wasn't there for 18 hours after he was born, and the first thing I said to my kid is that he'd never be alone again.  There's video of that actually, thanks to a kind nurse:

first time I saw and held my son (its at the end of the clip)

So here I am all messed up because my kid casually might have said "bye" to me as his first word.

AllieM22

Renee--I think working out all the emotional, relationship stuff unfortunately becomes part of this fun experience. How our bodies feel and look makes a big difference on how WE feel and of course how our SOs feel and relate to us. I would just give it time--I'm sure it will all work out. Your DH probably still sees you in "patient" mode...and is focused on being sweet and supportive--which is great! Keep trying though--eventually you'll get a response...

Leggy--ooooh--you're off with you former boyfriend....  Have fun! Hope that doggies get along too.

Rachel--you do sound like dark thoughts are hovering over your head. Hope a strong wind comes to blow them away soon! (It will.) Until then, sending you good thoughts. Go get a peppermint mocha...that might be sweet, warm and yummy! Big hugs.

Oh and on the hair thing (which I might chicken out of)--I would only be patching some pesky gray hairs here and there--not doing all over color. (My hair guy would have a cow if I did that--he's such a (nice) perfectionist!)

Rachel_BC

kmmd- it took some chutzpah for me to even try to speak for someone who lost a boobie or two, as I still have mine, so wtf do I know, right? So thank you for letting me know what i said may make some kind of sense. I do know that my boob still has the radiation permatan and a little bit of crusty brown stuff in the aureola, and I feel unattractive.  

I'm poking around for the article I saw this week, but there's plenty of information on the subject:

http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/health/recession-blues-may-damage-testosterone-levels-in-men_100155551.html 

Recession blues may damage testosterone levels in menFebruary 16th, 2009 - 11:00 am ICT by ANI  -London, Feb 16 (ANI): Worries about the recession could lower testosterone levels among men, a doctor has warned.Dr Richard Petty said, who works at a private clinic for men, said that chronic stress caused by financial worries, redundancy or working longer hours may cause levels of the hormone to drop.Testosterone is associated with sexual function, circulation and muscle mass, as well as mood, memory andconcentration.“When a man becomes grumpy or irritable, it’’s easy to blame work or simply the effects of ageing, the Telegraph quoted Petty, as saying.“In the short-term, stress can increase levels of testosterone and this is useful to help people respond quickly to pressures and new situations.“But chronic stress, which is ongoing, is a major factor in the decline of testosterone.“Chronic stress occurs all too frequently due to our modern lifestyles, when everything from high-pressured jobs to unemployment keeps the body in a state of perceived threat,” he added.Lower levels of the hormone can cause irritability, lethargy, low sex drive and a lack of concentration.Petty has suggested that men should reduce their stress levels as much as possible by getting enough rest, eating healthily and exercising. (ANI)

Read more: http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/health/recession-blues-may-damage-testosterone-levels-in-men_100155551.html#ixzz0XVYT4998 

My search on NYPost.com came up with this one, not from last week but from this week last year, which I think is telling:

LIMP ECONOMYWOE$ SPELLING BEDROOM TROUBLEBy SUSANNAH CAHALAN, STEFANIE COHEN and ANGELA MONTEFINISELast Updated: 2:47 AM, November 30, 2008Posted: 2:24 AM, November 30, 2008 PRINT EMAIL SHARE RSSGotham gals want their own rescue package.With Wall Street woes worsening and job security shaky, men have bailed out of the bedroom and women are reporting a citywide sexual recession.Men's libidos have gone the way of the Dow as struggles with economy-related stress, depression and anxiety are at an all-time high, experts say."He's just not in the mood," said one 30-year old Brooklyn lawyer whose boyfriend of six years lost his $100,000-a-year Lehman Brothers job two months ago. "He's really depressed. He really loved his job, and now it's gone."The couple, who once hit the hay three to four times a week, has had a romp only once since the economy went soft.A fashion exec in her early 30s began dating a hedge-fund honcho a month before the bottom dropped out of his business.At first the sex was hot, but when things went haywire at work, he began underperforming in bed. She started working out more, thinking she didn't look good enough."The more depressed he became from work, the less we had sex," she complained. "I was very supportive, loving and caring."I don't understand why the sex dropped off."Alden Cass, a therapist who caters to high-powered Wall Streeters, says men can't easily shed the stress and feelings of inadequacy from work in the bedroom."Finances are imploding, and some of these guys are feeling very guilty for allowing this to happen," Cass said."They're dealing with emotional drain, burnout, depression and anxiety. All these things take a toll on sex drives."Some women have taken matters into their own hands - literally.Toys in Babeland in SoHo is witnessing a rise in "appliance" sales - nearly doubling units sold, to 3,304, between mid-October and mid-November, from the same period last year.The Village sex shop The Pleasure Chest has seen a 13 percent increase in sales this quarter over the same time period last year.A recent survey conducted by the stress-reducing drug Relora showed that of the 64 percent of responders were anxious about money - and, of these, 62 percent say that they are having less sex."Sex is in the brain, and not between the waist and the knees," cautions the legendary sexpert Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who reports receiving more queries on low-libido spouses since the economy tanked."A man's sexual apparatus is very delicate. If something is wrong, it is very difficult for men to get or maintain an erection."scahalan@nypost.com

Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/regional/item_IzLWYKIZXZp7Jm4Kui3c0J#ixzz0XVZCgBop 

Rachel_BC

Ah Allie- I am OK.  I was just kinda relating what I think is the typical blues thing.  I remember when I was once talking to my ONC and I was all kinds of dark and he asked like what's up with you?  You're usually so upbeat and I said well it IS my period and we both did a big oooOOOOOooooo and same with my surgeon at one point and this is all pre-Tamox.  I just get weird(er) around my period.  At least now since I had some hot flashes too I didn't feel guilt going for the xanax.  Then I ran into my neighbor who is really smart and renegotiated his lease and we got into this whole long fun yak.... I am AOK, enjoying my "day off".  On the haircolor, I know what you mean.  I just meant that i would ask Joseph if there was some basic thingie you can do to avoid some basic type problem... like I don't know what but I have heard him explain to someone who wants a certain color that they need to put a different color on first because their chemo hair came in lets say- without color and so it wouldn't "take" the color from the product because the product assumes that there is a color in your hair.  It'd just be like you say, something to get you through until your colorist is available.  Patty B part deux is correct I am sure as usual, its probably just fine to use home color, but if you want a little extra info, lemme know your natural color, what color and texture you have now and what color you are trying to get to, and which colors you bought.  I'll see what he says.  

RENEE- before I forget, Leah wrote up a whole thing on WIGS.  Being an Orthodox Jew, of the type that wears wigs every day of her life pre-SFBC, she knows a lot about them. This should be her topic- maybe you can use it on chemosolutions.com and how do we get it to be a "sticky" topic?

wig advice

Rachel_BC

Hey- I know there's a percentage of women who will die according to the new guidelines, does anyone have a number for what that turns out to be?

We lost nearly 3000 people at the World Trade Center on 9/11, and we went to war for that.  Seems to me that that's less than the number of women they think is OK to kill with these new guidelines.

pkb143

hey Allie, I should have put a big ol' disclaimer on my blurb about coloring hair. I haven't had chemo -- not sure whether you have or not, but if I HAD, it would be a 'whole 'nother ball game' when it comes to hair color. I'm sure I would be re-thinking the whole thing.....

Renee, I wish you wouldn't feel so bad about the mojo thing. I know you can't help feeling what you feel, but there is probably SO MUCH else going on in your DH's head. I sometimes wonder how my hubby felt after being my caretaker after surgery. He saw my ugly incision early on, complete with seromas and stitches, and emptied my drains for days. It didn't bother him that I could tell (on the surface), but you have to wonder if they are afraid that we might 'break'  or that sex  might 'hurt' us somehow. Not only that, but how does he get that image out of his head or at least see it as 'not so bad'? 

At any rate, we had some problems in the bedroom last year that were resolved when DH happened to see a doctor about cramps in his legs. Turned out he had a blockage in the groin area that required a stent to resolve, and after that and a Viagra prescription, things got back to normal. So there's also the possibility there's also something physical going on with your DH. My mojo problem now, however, since SFBC and going off HRT, is that sex is usually PAINFUL! We're still working on that -- so know you're not alone with the 'mojo' issues.

Rach, thank you!!  but seriously, that little something I put in the package for you was not a big deal!  If it brightened your day just a little, then I'm happy.  And your baby's talking!! OMG! and he came up with his own little choice of words. How cute!

kookiesmom, glad you got that nasty stuff out of the way. Did you nap during the whole thing? Mine was like that, so I hope yours was....

Leggy, you go girl!! have fun,mojo or no, dogs getting along or not.

Rachel_BC

Back to catching up- wow such powerful posts from Renee and Helena.  And another couple points to make...

Helena has some great perspective from her non-SFBC friends. It's also helpful that Helena didn't go through chemo, and still has the same issue, even though I would NOT wish it on her.  From a single gal's perspective, it's something because I was wondering how couples deal with this.  A lot of times I was happy that there was no man around to see what i was going through.

And another word on a whole other thing.  The wonderful moderators have offered us a chance to move to a forum area where we could curse.  On one hand I was thinking yeah, well the funny thing is that we don't curse that much, we all kinda decided that we were reserving expletives for the kind of particularly horrible thing that is usually SFBC related.  There's really nothing unusual for the cursing we did here from the other threads I "grew up on" here at BC.org.  The thing I think happened is that some of the people who chased some of us off our old thread have been reading this new thread and notified the moderators that I (me being the ringleader and target of their ire) used the word fCRIKEYuck.  I think that's how this all started.  They were trying to get ME in trouble on BC.org and/or kill this thread.  Anyway, the moderators offered this to me a couple days ago and I was thinking by this time we had gotten comfy with the CRIKEY thing, our way of being funny and still cursing but... after reading both Renee and Helena's posts, and here's Helena appearing to worry that she's said something to offend someone when in reality she's posted a fabulous beautiful thoughtful valid post ... and lemme tell ya, when Chelev was going through the worst of that inflamed boob thing, I really wanted to come up with a creative curse... sometimes... !#!!!( and "effing" and 'fcrikeying" just don't cut it.  Its like making this stuff we're describing, experiencing and surviving sound "cute".  We have to paint a pretty face on it for our kids and our familys and significant others, but around here, at least this thread of friends, I think we should feel free to just spit out the venom.

And there's nothing that says we HAVE to curse, it would be hilarious if we moved there and still said CRIKEY.

The people who complained evidently are not the people who this thread- clearly titled- is meant for. 

I believe the whole thread would move intact, and favorite places would still work and all that. (like the 40-60 thread)

I think the bottom line is that no one on this thread of friends should feel like they have to worry about offending someone who is not a part of this thread for talking about any issue they feel is valid in the way they feel comfortable.

I know I stay away from the threads that make me uncomfortable. 

So if its OK with you gals, I am going to take them up on their offer.  But first, what do you think? 

HelenaJ

So the mojo thing is still going...had a talk with DH about it this morning - yeah lots of talking no doin.. anyway he said it is all timing, familiarisation, kids being home, me going to bed at 8.30pm, not the new foobs, me not initiating it ...like I need another reason to drink!!   Damn it is out there now... pressure!!!

But..on my walk this morning I figured that I need to be desired.. basic human need, along with love, food, water.  Lose your hair, lose your boobs, lose your confidence you start doubting your desirability.  AND I'm not getting any younger - add that to the mix and no wonder it becomes a sensitive area. 

Add what is going on in your DH's head too Renee and it gets incredibly difficult to work out.

Oh Rachel... give her a thrashing..you make me laugh woman..and on the saying goodbye thing..my older sister always cries when she says goodbye to me and it really bugs me so I started saying "saying goodbye is a great reason to make you say hello again".  Well it works for me .. not sure about her .. she is the one I put my fingers in my ears and went la la la la.  She's hard work.

Happy to go wherever on BCO .. don't get here too often and when I do I wonder how relevant it is...paranoa princess that I am...just let me know where to find you all.

Have a great weekend everyone

big hugs

Helena

Edited to add..thank you rachel..

ktym

What did I miss, is Crik-- a bad word?  I thought it was the equivalent of WOW, or Look at that!! Man do I feel out of it.

 Rachel, about the bye.  There are other people on this site that I'm sure are more educated about this, but, way back I did take some speech and language and child development classes.  If I remember right, and believe me, those of you that know better correct me, the "Bbbb" sound is the first sound children usually make.  "Mmm" is next.  You've talked about how often you take your Son on walks and the smiles and interaction he gets.  He may have picked up on the fact that when people come and go some sort of social noise is appropriate, and what sounded like Bye may be what he can do, but may not be a true Bye.  Just a thought.  Either way, sorry it was so upsetting.  I know its hard when you try to instill something very important to you.  Children do have a way of humbling you and making you change what you thought you were going to do and make you eat your words.  They really do.  But, you love that little boy to pieces, I bet he'll turn out great no matter what he meant to say today. (and when he's old enough to understand you can do something similar to what Helena said, until he's a teenager and he knows what a hot button it is to push and then all bets are off)

LeggyJ

I knew my wig would come in handy!!!!  Thanks Rachel!  You make me laugh.  Now I just have to say hi to the NorCal ladies, sounds like we're all doing well.  NED!!!!  Great news Chelve! 

OK, now I have to get down and dirty!  Ladies, one thing my ex used to love, was....reading naughty stories to him, when we would drive across country, to NM.  By the time we would get to a motel, OMG!!!!  Once, we were going across the desert, and while I was gettin busy, two fighter jets, buzzed our truck.  We still laugh at that, I could see their faces....You never know, a little soft porn, might get the juices going.  I'm bad.

Rachel_BC

QOTD- Whacha thanking me for?  What'd I do?

BRAVA for both you and your hubby for communicating.  I am afraid I am probably no help to anyone who is in a loving committed relationship for several years.  But I can learn from youse guys and hope that someday I will have a guy of my own.

I should add that its pretty amazing to me that you would be feeling unattractive when you are such a hot babe, skinny, perfect boobs, long hair, all that jazz... but I get it.  

And Renee, I CAN understand how bad you felt.  Everyone is different and every relationship is different but meanwhile, Helena's experience proves that it may not be the missing hair or boobs.

This is a valid issue. 

So I guess it would not be a good idea to put some viagra or something you know makes your guy uh... erect in his food?

And was your sex life totally different until the day you were DX'd? 

Rachel_BC

kmmd- oh I must have really bummed you and everyone out!!! I thought it was more like a touching story, but I was feeling kinda maudlin at the time.  I have to learn that it comes through in my writing.  You are of course correct on all points.  My kid is normal.  I'm just a mommy-freak. Oh no, Crikey isnt a bad word, we've been just using that as a "bad" word since I can't say the word that is every letter except crikey in this word: fCRIKEYuck.  Just to be safe I was also saying sCRIKEYhit etc...  On this thread now, I still don't curse, but if we move to where it's allowed, we all could and no one could bother the moderators saying oooooh looky looky they said a bad word!!!!!  I just think we'll probably use crikey a lot... unless we really need to use an expletive.  

PattyB part deux- missed your post while I was posting... I am not opening the little gift stuff until Thanksgiving- it was just toooooo nice of you to think of giving me anything.  I opened the package at the bakery (pics coming) and it was just so adorable in front of the nice bakery lady... I was like this one is from California and this one is from Oklahoma ... it was a really good moment  And my son isn't actually speaking yet, per se.  It was just possibly that he was saying "bye" exactly like kmmd said, like either is was just B-b-b-ah or he has seen me and the nannies saying it to each other.

crap, how did I miss kookiesmom's post... gotta go back and see what else I missed when i thought i was catching up! 

Rachel_BC

omg how did I miss this post from kookiesmom.... hilarious! Ha while you were doing colonoscopy prep OMG!!!!! and we had the same idea about spiking their food... HUZZAH on the clear results.  Its not like SFBC, if they find a polyp they cut it and it's over.  But it's brilliant that you are going  now to get checked.  This is one cancer they can actually STOP before it becomes a problem, no radiation, no chemo no nothin.  I have the diverticulae too, i dont think you have diverticulitis, that's a pain in the rear- literally. Oh maybe its diverticulitis we both have and diverticulosis that is the pain in the rear thing... too lazy to look it up...  Like there are some crevices there that can become a problem if stuff gets stuck in there.  So I asked how do I prevent that and they said put some oat bran on your food.  I also found that when I lost weight they disappeared from my next colonoscopy exam They came back when I gained weight.  I FAILED colonoscopy prep.  Oh... my... gawd.  I used to be able to go to this doc who had a special machine and I didn't ahve to do prep but I tried it once without the machine and ... oh my gawd... you don't want to hear that story.  I just don't know why I dont have the normal experience you describe.  But like you said, its really no biggie and it saves your life and now you can say MY ASS IS NOT GOING TO KILL ME!  

AllieM22

Rachel--I think I'd prefer to stay here if we can--just so we don't lose people--and so I don't have to keep track of another site, login, etc. I only follow a few threads here but still. Just being lazy!! So can we just use crikey or another word to cover all the naughty expletives? I think we are creative enough wordsmiths to think of some way to express the appropriate emotions--these are always good: $#%^&*    

Leggy--you are CRACKING me up!! No wonder the ex is chasing you down...  

Rachel_BC

Allie- lemme be clear- we wouldn't lose people, the thread would still be there when you click on Favorite Topics, they'd move the whole shebang.  Instead of being under "Growing Friendships After Treatment" or maybe even still there in a sub-forum where it says cursing is allowed.  The only real change would be that we could curse without getting in trouble with the moderators.  The moderators only got involved because someone complained- about ME.  Just moi.  Moderators are not angry with me, we were discussing what was best for everyone.  I think the only way we'd lose people is if someone here is offended and likes it better that we can't curse-- and that's what I am asking.  Please don't anyone feel like it would hurt my feelings if you really prefer that I not curse.  I would much rather keep everyone and keep using crikey or whatever.  

I would just go back to posting the way I did at the beginning of the thread- and use the guidelines we all set for ourselves.  That is, we are generally not people who curse- I personally felt that cursing was for people who were too lazy to learn better vocabulary... before SFBC.  

I think I am really just checking to make sure that *I* didnt offend anyone here with MY foul language.

Remember when someone asked if we could curse and I said something like I'm a Noo Yawker so fcrickeyuckity fcrikeyuck fcrikeyuck...

Expletives used to describe something that deserves it sure don't offend me, the only obscenity I see is cancer.

I'll use this opportunity for one more issue we never discussed... saying "g_ddamn".  My feeling is that we should all respect each other's religious beliefs - by allowing each person to judge themselves.  (Christ said something about turning the other cheek, Judge not lest ye be judged, right?)  In my religion we never even say the name of G_d, we don't spell it, every time I see someone writing out that word on this site, it bugs me, but I understand that person is speaking of their beliefs, and their intentions are the best.  I gratefully accept prayers from others on my behalf any way that person cares to do it.  So for my point of view, on this thread if you want to say prayers for someone, that's great, and if that person doesn't want prayers, they should just let it go.  I also think if someone wants to write the real word "G-d" (without the dash) they should feel free, and if someone wants to say "goddamn" they also should feel free.  Its about taking responsibility for your own actions and not passing judgement on another.

Opinions on ALL of the above are WELCOME.

Like you said, the most important thing is not losing anyone here, you guys mean everything to me. 

PattiB

I have been keeping up everyday, just don't have as much time to respond.

Yearly Mammo and Onc confirmed I am Cancer Free!!  Also, had my colonoscopy/upper GI endoscopy a few weeks ago.  The prep was not that bad, except for the hemmoriod it caused.  Never had one of those before and it hurt! I can also say "my ass is not going to kill me" and also had diverticuli(sp).  I did have polyps in the stomach and possible Barrett's Syndrome, the Dr. thinks the path report is an overread.  This all means colon is good for 5-10 years. Upper GI needs checking in 3.  Glad I insisted on the GI scope.  This past Wed. went for a skin check.  The only spot that had to be removed was an irregular mole next to my nipple on the boob that had cancer.  As my Dr. was taking it off, I said gee I kept forgetting to ask my onc/surgeon about it.  His reply was that it was probably the same for the Dr.'s only in reverse.  Still wondering about that coincidence. Anyway, I will get a call from him by Tuesday with those results.  Then onto the Gyno right before Christmas.  I will have all these things done just in time for a new PCP visit the 1st week of the New Year.  

Prayers and Hugs to all of you whether having concerns or rejoicing from good news.  Cheleve - great news, Congrats to you!!

Rachel_BC

Oh and I TOTALLY agree with Leggy about porn.  You gotta get the kind of porn that suits your taste though.