Sisterhood of the Secret Handshake

Rachel_BC

Thank you- but I just don't know another way to be.  I just spoke to my lawyer who seems quite stunned, not sure how to take that.  He also  is amazed at my attitude, even though he was one who was praying (he's a religious Jew) for me with the Oncotype test.  It's like after the fire, people didn't understand why I wasn't ranting and raving, but I didn't understand why I would?  It was less than 2 years after 9/11 and no one got hurt (OK one firefighter hurt his shoulder fighting the fire).  It was just stuff, OK and later my home, yes.  But we were alive, and I still had food to eat.  Yeah I am very upset for sure but *nothing* compared to SFBC.

Another couple bits, I might have a chance at something before an appeal, I might have good shots here and there, he's going to think about it and I will do some research.  

But really, thank you for letting me vent.  If it's not one kind of asshole problem, it's another...

and given the choice, I'd still rather lose my case than take even one poop with blood again.

 

Anonymous

Rachel - BOO to that suck-ass judge!!!!!   Love the letter - and I wish we could all sign it and you can fax it to his office today!!  Stupid, stupid.

Meg - hang in there, sweetie - you are doing just fine - and if you need to rely on the lexapro for a while to get through, then just do it!

I was feeling kind of down while working at the Fort Lauderdale Boat Show - here I am, feeling really great about my health right now because I am slowly losing weight, gaining strength and seeing my waistline more defined, my arms more defined, hair is growing in, but then I'm working outside in searing heat and humidity and my hair is looking more and more like an afro than a cute pixie cut, no matter what I do to it.  Add that to being surrounded by all of the model-type women who work in the boat shows, 7' tall, size 00, long swingy hair (I'm 5'5", and more like a size 10, nothing swinging) and add in all of the stupid fookin' men who ogle said models, and look at me like 1) I must be lesbian (not that there is anything wrong with that - my daughter is), or b) I am just a dumpy middle aged woman and not worth looking at, and it really started getting to me.  I got home that Friday night almost in tears just from being depressed about it.  My wonderful husband says to me when I recount how I was feeling, "Screw all of them!!!  You just came out of surgery, chemo and radiation, you are getting stronger and losing weight and you are more beautiful than any of those assholes."  I love him.

Rachel_BC

chelev- I love your husband.  Oh and although I saw the pic of you pre-SFBC and you sure are cute, but mebbe you would have had the same feelings of a bad humid hair day around all those Gumby girls even on a normal day pre-SFBC?  Kinda nice to be normal  That Gumby reference is from Cancer Vixen, did you read that?  She was the gf then fiance of Silvano Marchetti, owner of Da Silvano, the oh-so-celebrity restaurant, she's writes hilarious cartoons.  Maybe some of the gals at least were jealous that you didn't have hot wet sticky long hair?  Well I hope one day in the not so far future you will find yourself bitching about how your hair is too long and sticking to your head on a hot humid day- and then you will laugh, long and hard.  And on that day, I am sure everyone will be looking at the crazy sweaty lady laughing herself silly for no apparent reason

meg- I have the Rx for Effexor sitting right here on my desk.  That's like Lexapro, yes?  And I fought taking the xanax last night.  Unless I have this all wrong... apologies.. and Lexapro, you can stop taking it yes?  I have gone for Xanax first because I *think* I take Xanax on a situational basis, but I guess I would be taking Effexor daily to get the effect?  How is it with Lexapro?  Anyway, the point is the same point that I know was made during RADs- ACCEPT HELP.  What is it with us that we think we have to be superwoman?  And you are so smart and well read, you know intellectually the clear reasons why just about everything you have undergone should directly affect your emotions, put you at risk for or practically assign to you depression.  If you didn't get depressed by this point, we'd have to check you to make sure you were human flesh and blood.  Think of it this way, if your friend or G-d forbid your daughter had to go through what you have, what would you think was reasonable for THEM?

First sign of you coming out of depression is naming it as depression.  So there, depression, we're calling a spade a spade and now you're in fucking trouble, your days are numbered.  meg, I will look for the study if you need me to but i remember from years ago when I faced depression (situational, as yours) that intelligent people have a better chance of beating it- and clearly, you have that ace in your pocket.  

You have fought the good fight for your physical health, now fight for your happiness.  And we'll do our best to make you laugh and release your own endorphins.  I'm real big on that!

Here's a starter- I heard from your CookieCart people, they are done their cards and just figuring out how to send to me  You did great, for me, for the troops, for the CookieCart kids.  And the information you posted about the new study of Tamox users excluding the low metabolizers is exciting as all get-out for everyone who is concerned about switching to AIs.  meg, you're the best! 

covertanjou

Good morning all!

Chev, I think I love your husband too!  I see your pic: you're beautiful!  

My 20 year-old scared the bejesus out of my husband and I last night.  She came into our room at around 2 am loudly saying, "OMG! OMG!"  My husband and I woke up to see her faint in our room.  She had a terrible stomach ache, and the pain made her faint.  I spent the rest of night taking care of her.  So, I've been up since two.  She insisted on going to her classes today, even though I tried to convince her to stay home.  She took my care, got to school, called me, and told me she is in too much pain to go to class.  So now I have to worry until she gets home.  I hope she is okay to drive.  She insists she is.

Ivory, if you need the ADs take them.  You have been through a lot.  Take care of yourself.

Nancy, Olivia is a beautiful name.

Mary #2 

Edited to add that my daughter is home, safe and sound. 

AllieM22

Mary--yikes! How scary. I hope you are taking her to a dr even though she seems fine now...

kookiesmom

Mary- I hope your dd is OK.  My youngest son had appendicitis and surgery for his 5th birthday.  I just knew he was having more than the basic stomach ache so I took him to the dr. and they had me go directly to the er after they examined him.  He was in surgery in no time.  This was years ago and he is fine but reading the post about your daughter made me remember.  I hope she went to dr. and its just a stomach bug or cramps. 

Rachel - sorry to hear about your case.  Some judges are just nuts!   If you appeal you will get different judges who maybe aren't clinically insane and you may get a completely different opinion.  So don't give up hope yet!  Things just may work out for you. 

Tomorrow I go for my 1st endometrial biopsy.  I hope it doesn't hurt too bad.  I am so sick of things hurting!  Then next Friday is my colonoscopy/endoscopy.  I wish they could could visit my endometrial lining during that so I don't have to feel the biopsy.  I just keep telling myself that once I get those 3 tests and my TVUS out of the way I should be good to go for another year - please please please...

smithlme

kookiesmom I hope all goes well tomorrow and next Friday.

I had to have a cervical biopsy a few weeks after I ended chemo. The ding-dong doctor, not my usual doctor, couldn't understand why I was so freaked out. Let's see...I just finished chemo for BC and no one sent me any literature on how the procedure was done. I walked into the room and almost passed out. The poor nurse held my hand, bless her, as I cried through the whole thing. NOT a pleasant procedure when you're stressed.

My dad's biopsy results came back positive for squamous cell skin cancer. There actually ARE good and bad skin cancers and his is one of the "good" ones. He's having it removed on Friday, along with another pre-cancerous growth on his ear. At 84 the old bird is now a three time, three different primaries, cancer survivor. Genetics SUCK!

I just watched the memorial service at Fort Hood. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends of those fallen soldiers...

Linda

Mary22

Oops sorry for the confusion, when I put DD, I meant a bra size, double D's. I had an oophorectomy in August, I asked for lipo and double D boobs.

Rachel, a big ((((((HUG))))), no matter what it always sucks to be screwed and you porbably did not even get a kiss. LOL!!!!!!!

My sister and brother-in-law are just taking it all in stride, what else can you do. I love our soldiers and all they do, but sometimes the politics is just deplorable!!!!! I can not understand how the miltiary can treat their own that way.

I have to go wash my daughter's hair. chat later.

cd1234

Hi Everyone,



You are all so busy talking that I can't quite keep up! Anyhow, I want to share my great husband story with you all. When I was still in chemo, so I was bald, boobless and looking REALLY BAD, I was getting ready for bed, and my husband and I were talking. I was standing butt naked in our bathroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked at my husband and said "do you ever tell yourself that this is not what you bargained for?" He looked at me more serious than I have ever seen him, and said "this is exactly what I bargained for". He is ther greatest man on this planet! My butt bled really bad through chemo. It hurt so bad to poop I would have to scream, so to humor my 7 year old son, we called going poop, having a screamer! Nice huh! This is a great thread! I am going in for my first post-chemo check up tomorrow. I had to have my blood drawn today. It took 6 pokes to get me! My veins are still SO trashed. I thought they would have been a little better after 3 months.



Take Care Everyone!!

SoCalLisa

Hi all..

I had just the opposite problem with chemo..the runs..and more runs..lasted for

two years...I should have bought stock in the company that makes Immodium AD

and adult diapers...anyhow I also had a colonoscopy and had three pre cancerous

polyps taken out..have to get them every so many years..the first one they 

thought I might be allergic to the meds so I had it with nothing and then they

sat me up and did an upper endoscopy again with no meds...not a pleasant

day that is for sure...

Rachael..hope you can do an appeal..what a bummer...

Leah_S

Crystal, your dh is a gem!

Just reading this thread after being away for a few days, so can't remember everything I might want to comment on - just will say a few things.

Nancy, great news about the grandbaby! I have 5 (4 are girls|) and they are my greatest joy.

Rachel, I'm so sorry about the court case. It's fantastic that you can keep it in perspective but I do hope the appeal goes your way.

Have been trying to make an appt for a colonoscopy but both facilities I called (the ones I'm supposed to use, per HMO) don't have appts for at least 6 MONTHS. Which ain't great - onc and pcp want me to have this done. So I spoke to my pcp and asked if I should ask onc if he can arrange it sooner at the hospital where he is and she said if I can get it sooner she'll arrange things with the HMO payment. So now we'll see what happens. Actually what I need to deal with (and here comes the TMI part) is weak urinary sphincter problems. I guess I'll see the gyno on that? Not sure. Don't have a problem with speaking to the gyno or the pcp about it but will do it when dh is not there for appt. I mean the guy was fine with a bald wife and continues to find a uniboob wife sexy but I really don't want to talk to him about how I worry that I'll wet my pants (I DID give you guys a TMI alert). It's a QOL issue so at this point I'm waiting for a while.

Oh, Rachel, to keep the latkes together use matza meal. That's what my grandma did, and she made THE BEST LATKES IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. When I read Mary's menu and saw crab cakes and latkes together, all I could think was "What's wrong with this picture?"

So here's my schedule for my US visit:

Nov 15-23 New York

Nov 23-Dec 3 Los Angeles

Dec 3-8 Toronto

Can't wait. Anyone be around for get-togethers at these times?

Leah

hrf

Leah, I didn't know you were coming to Toronto!!! There's lots of us here from Toronto. Where will you be staying?

pkb143

Leah S, really, that's not TMI. You'd probably be surprised how many of us have the same problem or something very similar. I guess mine is called irritable bladder (or overactive bladder) and yeah, I worry every time I laugh or cough. I've worn panty liners for the last upteen years because of it. A few months ago, I tried something new on the market, called Gelnique (yep, a gel you apply on abdomen, upper arms or thighs) and it worked wonders until I got a really bad UTI. I don't know if the Gelnique was to blame, but I stopped using it after that and things seem to have improved with the 'irritability.' I really hope you get some relief!

Loved the stories about the husbands! I really don't know how I would have done without my DH after my mastectomy. He did so many things that surprised me, even emptied my drains, which I thought would make him queasy, but he did it without batting an eye. (Later told me he could deal with blood, it was vomit that he couldn't take. Mental note to self: Do not toss cookies in husband's presence).

On another note, I got my LAST FILL today!! I am so happy! It took 12 fills and 1,180 cc's to fill this puppy up. And no, I don't look like Dolly Parton -- I'm 'statuesque.'

Have a good evening, everyone!!

**Hey, Kari, want to share your crabcake recipe??

**oh yeah, here's my idea for a t-shirt:

       Diagnostic Mammogram:             $    243.00
       Needle Biopsy:                           $ 5,178.00
       Mastectomy:                              $28,200.00
       A Great Plastic Surgeon:             PRICELESS!

LittleRed

Rachel:  Arrrggg!!!  SFJ!!!  You have such a good attitude.  I hope you get a better judge on appeal.  The good guys are supposed to win in the end...

Ladies:  hats off to your wonderful DHs!

Sorry so many of you have the pain in the arse side effects.  So unfair...I hope you are feeling better soon.

Be good to you -

LeggyJ

Benisse, thanks for bringing up, the side effects problem, and the info.  I see my onc. The Dane, on Dec. 11th, so I'll muster up the nerve to tell him the bum problems....

What a nice hubby you have Crystal, thanks for sharing.

kookiesmom

Patty B- Congrats on your last fill!  That is a great feeling to know you don't have to do that anymore and once you get the exchange over with you're gonna feel so much better.  Wow 1180 ccs - wasn't that painful?  I only managed like 425 in each one and I couldn't stand it anymore.  I regret not going for a little more as I ended up with a B when I was a C before.  Oh well I can get them redone someday...but not sure I want to.  Great T shirt idea!

Good night ladies!

pkb143

hi, kookiesmom, THANKS! oh yeah, definitely feel I've gotten a major hurdle overwith. Today really wasn't as painful as I anticipated, especially since I didn't wait my usual week between fills (PS had surgery on Thursday, so had to go in today). After a Percocet and a Skelaxin (muscle relaxer), it really isn't so bad. I probably won't sleep so well tonight, but tomorrow, I should be OK.

SoCalLisa, those two procedures without meds!! You are one tough cookie. : )

covertanjou, hope your DD is OK. That stomach pain incident sounded serious!

Juli50

My 2 cents in the "what helps me poop" topic.. Miralax powder! Stool softeners didn't do diddly. lol

I won't tell you wonderful "cold-weather" ladies that it was 80 degrees here today  (I prefer 75, but I won't complain. lol)

hugs

benisse

Meg - I began Lexapro a week into chemo when I couldn't stop crying.  I asked the onc if I should taper it off after chemo ended (a month ago).  She told me not to stop taking it for now.  She recommended I use it during the first 4-5 months of Tamoxifen.  So, I take it daily and will continue as she said.  There is such a stigma about taking AD's.  When I was picking up a prescription, the pharmacist said she had a note to ask if I wanted to refill another of my rx's that was due.  I asked which one and she looked around to see if anyone could hear and then whispered very softly "Lexapro".  I thought that was hilarious.  Just before dx I began to see a therapist to help with some issues with my sons (adopted from Russia at ages 4 and 5 and are 9 and 10 now).  When I was dx, she was a godsend.  She told me that I had situational depression.  I feel great on the Lex.  Once I stop taking it I'll go right back on it if I have any issues at all.  I hope you feel better every day.  It takes about 2 weeks to kick in right????

SoCalLisa

Patty..I don't think I am so much a tough cookie but a dumb one at times...

benisse

Chelev - last weekend my husband and I hosted a baby shower for my husband's assistant.  She's a former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader...and so were MOST of the guests.  Boy did I feel like a big swollen, bald , sweaty, menopausal, square-boobed (TE's) slug.  I love my husband and he has said a lot of great things to me through this experience and emptied my drains without batting an eye too, but no such comforts were issued.  Your husband is so sweet.  One funny thing is that I am not a person who would ever have had implants if not for SFBC.  But, I sure fit right into that crowd with my double D's.

benisse

I'm always on here after bedtime.  I need to check in during the day.

Patty B.  - congrats on last fill.  My PS filled me quite a bit during surgery and then I had 2 fills to get to 420cc's.  I was a C cup and wanted to remain that.  I didn't wear a bra all during chemo.  I got fit for one the other day and I'm now a D cup.  I hope I'll be smaller after my exchange.  Encouraged by your story kookiesmom...it sounds like you have the opposite issue though.  My fills were painful and I would take a muscle relaxer or pain killer.  But I only had the two.

Night now!

kookiesmom

Good morning!  Happy Veterans Day!  Wish I had it off!

I think the reason I had such a hard time with fills was because my PS was a sado who refused to give me muscle relaxers and would only presrcibe vicoden for every now and then which isn't that great.  I finally went to my GP and got Xanax cause I was a wreck and then my onc gave me flexril.  I don't know why the PS was such a bonehead.  I do not act or look like a drug addict so I don't know what he was so afraid of.  I still have some left in case of emergency.   All the women in PS waiting room are in love with him but I just sit there with my mouth shut.  I guess he did a good job - at least that is what all my other drs. say and I went to a proffessional bra fitter and she said it too.   Have to go for the endometrial biopsy today - boo hoo I don't wanna do it!!!!

Rachel_BC

meg- your post is incredibly meaningful to me as well.  The court decision has thrown me, it's hard to deal with it without the Xanax, as I am trying today.  I think I was actually doing pretty well until I got a nice note from a moderator here asking me to watch my blatant cursing.  It's a perfectly nice and appropriate note from the mod, and I told her of course I'd comply, I also asked her if she'd consider letting this thread be a bit looser than others in that department, as we have specified this thread is for my friends with my twisted sense of humor, and we have discussed here how we feel about cursing.  Stuff like that.  It was a perfectly nice note from the mod and I'm not in any trouble that I know of, but the timing was baaad for me.  Now I am waiting for her response and it adds to the feeling of waiting and being judged by the judge and the courts and the lawyers.  I was about to take another Xanax, noticed my supply was low, and went to the pharmacy to use the Rx I picked up in September.  I was so proud of myself for NOT needing the Xanax.  But the pharmacy refused the Rx because it was over 30 days old. I didn't know about that restriction, else i would have had it filled in September- duh.  So I write my ONC and ask him to write another and he also wrote me a nice note saying "Is everything OK?"  Understandable, after 15 years with the Rolling Stones, I recognize addict behavior too, and the old "I lost my Rx, would you write another one" is a typical trick.  So I emailed hiim back and explained all was well with me health and cancer-wise, but I just lost this case and noticed I was running low on xanax, blah blah blah.  I also put the old Rx in the mail to him, so he can feel more assured that he's not supplying an addict.  Then I do the rationalization in my head over and over and over and over etc again... I intellectually feel the way I say about the whole court thing.  My lawyer screwed up and that's part of it, and the problems that remain with my home are another, but I really can handle those things, they really don't measure to either my health concerns or the important things I am trying to do, but now I am fighting off depression.

I do NOT think the Tamoxifen is the cause of my depression.  I think the shock of this lawsuit thing is the cause.  And I love love love this thread and reading the posts here gives me such a boost, but I think because of my bad feelings, I found it hard to have the heart to post - without hearing back from the moderator.  It's not her fault, I know that, I am just a bit of a mess.  She didn't tell me to stop posting, she only asked for one word, and she was really nice about it- but I can't help feeling reaaaaaallly bad,

So, I know I have situational depression.  And I wouldn't wish it on you for anything in the world, but knowing I'm not alone, with you as company, really helps.  At least it got me to post this to you  I was just thinking about you and how you could have really thwapped me for all my hokey-jokey sunshine attempts to cheer you up, considering how depression feels.  Even writing this to you now, my piddly problems are nothing compared to your concerns.  I feel the same way about these problems I have passing too.  I have contacted some good connections I have made, lawyers who specialize in appeals, my Stage IV tonsil cancer high school buddy who is VERY serious lawyer,  oh I just realized something kinda funny in our SFBC kind of way... some of you might remember I was all twisted about a friend who was DX'd while I was in RADS, and how I tried to give her some good helpful advice and she wouldn't listen and got angry with me like I was making it worse... well I saw her last week and for one thing she was all over the place thanking me for the advice I gave her because it turns out she was listening and it REALLY helped her, and the funny part is her husband is an appellate lawyer, so there's soemthing that is lifting my blues a little bit, as I write this... something good I did might actually work out to my favor, because her hubby offered to review my court decision, I think for free  

Hey, when I am blue (and any time really) I will latch on to ANY good thing that makes me feel good or smile, and use it like a bat to hit away those blues.  That worked ...

Anyway, you got it right.  You are only flesh and bones, and most of that is healing while you are trying to fight off large dragons.  I am really happy you took the lex and hope that it works hard for you.  I am going to keep reading my ladies here, keep focusing on the things that are good, and keep taking Xanax when it gets out of hand and I can't focus.  This too will pass, like you said, I will use my health and my brain and my friends and continue to build a better life.

So what's the TX for after-RADs boob lymphedema?

kookiesmom- I just hope it all went easy today!  Maybe the alien child will be born, and if so, what would you name it? 

Rachel_BC

Well meg, its you and me this week screaming on the rollercoaster ride.  Eh, we'll get so good at it that we'll be riding the first car and holding our hands up high!

That sounds like some good news about massage and compression?

I dropped a note to one of my contacts in Iraq, she's on her FOURTH tour and the FOURTH Christmas she will spend at war while her 2 young daughters grow up at home.  I knew she was based at Ft. Hood and dropped  her a small note of love.  This is her response:

thank you Rachel for the thoughts and all the love    you are truly wonderful. it was a harsh trajedy to deal with knowing it was right there in on own area. We had several Soldiers there at the time of the shooting and one was shot in the back of the leg, she was one of the last ones to come down the steps yesterday during the memorial ceremony and was put in the wheelchair. They are having a hard time dealing with the whole situation and I cannot even begin to imagine how they feel or what they went through. 

 

it will be difficult these next couple of weeks as they heal and try to face the holidays knowing this just happened. 

 

have a wonderful day 

Rachel_BC

kari- got your letters - you rock!

AllieM22

Oh Meg, sorry to hear about the lymphedema along with everything else you are dealing with.

But you are strong and will make it thru--glad you are on also using the Lexus as well as the train. Use it while you need it.

Rachel--same to you--sorry things are crappy now. Glad that you heard from your rads friend and that your advice did help--that always feels good. 

Happy Veterans Day everyone! Let's send out good vibes to vets, active soldiers and their families for all the good work they do for us.  

ktym

Rachel, sorry to hear about the judges decision, that sucks.  Was feeling a bit sorry for myself today, your reminder of someone on their 4th tour away from their kids at X-mas and those in Ft. Hood sure snapped me out of my pity party. 

pk: love the t-shirt idea, I think my PS was priceless

I'll second good thoughts and wishes for the Vets too.   

Anonymous

Rachael, I'm sure that the weather today isn't helping the depression at all.  I know that I have to get as much sunlight as is humanly possible from this time of year through the spring or else I sink real quickly into a funk.  

Luckily I was able to spend some time outside yesterday before the weather turned all cold, damp and dreary again.

Your problems are real.  The safety issues in your home, the setback in the courtcase, dealing with a toddler (great joy, but also great stress as I remember it), the voice of worry in the back of your head (that we all have).  Add in coordinating a major overseas shipment, and you have a recipe for a breakdown.   You are handling them.  Somedays it takes a bit of something extra to get through that day. 

Maybe today you spend some extra time with your little guy to borrow a bit of his sunshine.  Is there anything else that's more important? 

((((hugs))))

pkb143

Juli50, Ditto what you said about the Miralax!

Kookiesmom, sending good thoughts for your biopsy today! (and your PS sounds like a sadist)

meg, you go girl! We all need a little help from 'our friends' once in a while, and that goes for you, too, Rachel. 

Rach, you know you are loved and all you have to do is look at the length and popularity of this thread to see that! I realize internet friends may not be quite the same, but we are here mostly because we think YOU rock (and that's not just in cyberspace) and also because we enjoy one another and want to support each other!  Emotional pain/anguish is the same as physical pain in the effect on our bodies and spirit, so don't torture yourself!

kmmd - thanks!! (t-shirt) I really love my PS, but also thinking maybe I should hold off on that t-shirt until after my exchange surgery....