Starting Chemo April 2009

Titan

Judy...I can't help you but I can tell you that I feel the same way...I freak out about projects too..I just feel overwhelmed sometimes by my job or things that need to be done at home...This stuff didn't bother me before..I just did it...now I find myself close to tears sometimes...I hate that..

 Once you get everything packed and in the car you will be fine and wonder what you were freaking out about...and you will have fun....

AmyIsStrong

Judy - I don't have any answers for you BUT this seems to be the exact type of thing to bring to your therapist to discuss. She may be able to help you identify the triggers (what causes you to shut down) and ways to work around them. There is no magic solution to any of this stuff, but I found that my cancer therapist did help me identify why something affected me and gave me some tools to use to deal with it. And it did help.

Lena - we are all sisters here and we carry you in our heart. And you have a very difficult road to travel. I hope that the love and care we send you makes your journey the tiniest bit easier.  Please check in with us - even if it is just a sentence or two. I am VERY close to NJ - don't make me come up there  - although I would love to come see you. I could use a SIMS lesson - my stepdaughter plays it and I never know what she is talking about!

Lena

Hello. Still feel sad and oversensitive. but that uncontrollable 3 day "firestorm" of bust-into-tears and door slamming murderously angry hyperemotionalism coming on every five minutes seems to have passed. So you don't have to "worry" about me anymore, OK?

Also, I am going to persist with this med for awhile (as in at least stay on it to give it a chance to kick in enough to lift the depression, which is 4-6 weeks). I have to give it a chance to work because Wellbutrin is the ONLY antidepressant which DOES NOT have ANY sexual side effects or make  patients gain weight (with any luck, it'll even HELP me with my diet: I was reading stuff about patients losing weight on it and being as happy about that as they were to not be depressed anymore). See, I FUCKING REFUSE TO TOTALLY LOSE MY SEXUALITY AGAIN *AND* I AM SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF THIS FAT SLOB SHIT! I'm SURE it's the goddamn fucking Aromasin which is making it so hard for me to lose weight (I KNOW it's also why I GOT this depressed and joint aches and feeling like I'm 80 years old and ready for my deathbed), and I would throw my Aromasin in the garbage can in a flat nanosecond if I wasn't Stage IV. Hell, I will probably go off it anyway (because the life I "gained" by undergoing treatment has NOT been worth living, and in fact it totally destroyed the remaining joy DID used to have!!!). But OK, first I'm going to give the Wellbutrin a chance. IF I can somehow stay on the Aromasin to delay progression of my cancer, AND also become a sentient life form again, okay, but if not, I'm done with this shit, I'll call a hospice to get my expiration date and Dr. Salerno can shove the AIs all up his anal sphincter!

So before I go I feel obligated to say one thing, and it's actually to Helen:

Helen, if you want to start feeling like a human being again, GET THE HELL OFF THE FRICKIN ARIMIDEX!!!!! You aren't Stage IV, you don't "need" it. Is it possible you recovered so well from your original episode of breast cancer because you weren't on one of those goddamned AIs?

OK, gonna go for now. Thank you all {{{{{hugs}}}}} for putting up with me.

~Lena. 

JudyNaomi

Titan and Amy - thanks so much for your support. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone here. I also sometimes get so overwhelmed to the point of tears, it can be very frustrating. I did actually speak to my therapist about this yesterday, we talked about the frustrations that I am feeling with the lack of "competence" that I feel I have. I think that she may be able to help me move forward with this.

Lena - glad to see that you checked in and that you are feeling a little less depressed. We are always here for you : )

I had a lovely day out today with my husband, just the two of us. It was good to get out and spend some time together. Now, however, we are back, kids are back from camp, so I need to go and take care of the usual stuff : )

Hugs to all for a good evening - try and stay cool! This weather is unreal...

Judy xxx

hrf

Hi everyone. The heat here is unbearable ... about 36C (100 + F) so best to stay indoors with A/C

Work is slow now because the schools are closed and the kids are off for the summer. I still have some meetings - mostly with new principals or principals who are transitioning from one to another - going over their entry plans. I have lots of paperwork to do but can get it done over the summer. I prefer to save my holidays for during the school year.

While I appreciate your advice, Lena, I don't think I can do it. My first dx was TN so there was no medication to take and so I just moved on. I'm not sure it's the Arimidex that is making me feel so lousy because I was feeling this way before I started the Arimidex. This time I lost my hair (it has not grown back properly), I lost my breasts, and I lost the man who was in my life. Whether or not I take Arimidex isn't going to bring any of those things back and the bc was 100% ES+  I feel lousy about myself because of my losses and while I might have coped better if the guy had stayed around, the fact that he left (without telling me) because of the illness just made things worse. I know everyone can say "well he wasn't worth it" .. and maybe he wasn't but he was the man in my life and to lose him because of SFBC was just the last straw for me. I don't think going off the AI will help. I saw the therapist yesterday -- I spend the time with her crying -- I look like s^^t and feel like it too. Although I am grateful that my kids are happy and doing well. I just never imagined that I'd end up alone and totally unlovable.

Titan

Helen..you are not alone and you certainly are loved...

JudyNaomi

Helen - I am so sad to read your post. I know that whatever people say, it is so hard to get used to our new lives. I don't know anything about your partner, but I do know that it must have been very hard for you after he left. I can relate to your feelings of loss, having also lost my breasts. It is so huge, that sometimes I have to pinch myself because I cannot actually believe everything that I have been through!

But from our persective, and I am with Titan on this, we are always here for you and we love you very much! I know that we cannot actually physically be there with you, but we think about you often and will do everything we can to help you through this difficult time.

Hugs to everyone today, Judy xxx

Lena

Hiya all.

Helen -- I'm sorry for that comment about telling you to stop taking Arimidex. I guess it's just because I'm so mad at the AIs being almost as bad as chemo for ME, and watching you in here being just as depressed as me for about the same amount of time -- and although I'm more stable at the moment, I'm still a bit emotionally volatile in general (though today so far hasn't been as bad...which is maybe why I'm posting instead of just reading today). But yes, you're right, if you've had issues since BEFORE the Arimidex, then the medication is not to blame. I was all right (other than the hair issue) and starting to recover from the chemo UNTIL I went on the goddamn AIs.

I'd say I'll promise to behave myself and not get overemotional but it may be too soon to make promises like that. (Gosh. Once upon a time, late 80s to early 90s, when I used to do live action Star Trek roleplaying, my persona was Vulcan and I was repeatedly told by my "captain" how I astonished the entire East Coast convention circuit with how "realistic" I was (oooh, maybe someday, the story of how I showed up in college psychology class in full Vulcan regalia wearing my Starfleet uniform)! Who would know now..oh yes, now I know what happened. Even though she wasn't in her 200s yet, T'Lena got Bendii Syndrome, primary indication of which is loss of emotional control)...........

Fine then I'm just going to ramble like an idiot and make little or no sense to any of you, kind of like when I get going with my little simmies or how I'm making stuff for them. Oh someone had questions about sims...was that you Amy? I'd be happy to give you simmie lessons. As long as the questions are about the original game (NOT Sims 2 or Sims 3), I can probably tell you anything you wanna know (I know a TINY bit about Sims 2 and 3 but not much) and if I can't, I can easily direct you to places in the online Sims community which can.. PM me and I'll give you my email address (oh hell, you can ALL have my email address if you wanna PM me for it).

Oh, and didn't Titan have a question about my iliac met? What did you want to ask?

Geri -- the oncologist didn't give me the Wellbutrin, the psychiatrist did. I did call the psychiatrist today to tell him how I was doing on the Wellbutrin and the Lunesta, which he put me on at the same time (a week ago today). This included telling him about that horrid 3 day Attack of the Broken Brain but also how I read online (yesterday) that I'm not the only Wellbutrin user who had a SE like that in the beginning -- so yes it happens to some patients, and yes it goes away -- looks like I was in that category. Other than the temporary Attack of the Broken Brain I haven't been having any other nasty SEs, so he upped my dosage from 150 mg/day to 300 mg/day. So today I took 300 mg, will keep taking that and "watch."  As to the Lunesta -- I guess there really ISN'T anything (short of addictive barbiturates, the old fashioned sleeping pills doctors don't prescribe anymore?) that will keep me asleep ALL NIGHT. The Lunesta is better than anything else I've tried (especially if I take one of my leftover Ativans with it), though, I only get up once, not 2-3 times. Of course maybe I could get lucky and this Wellbutrin fix the depression, and finally not need sleeping pills at all anymore? Oh, yes, I had to laugh at the irony of the fact that this is the same thing in the stop smoking medication Zyban. For me it's a humorous irony because I already DID quit smoking last fall, cold turkey; no NRT, no Zyban, no Chantix, no nothing except www.whyquit.com and another quit smoking forum. So here I am taking Wellbutrin but I don't need to stop smoking anymore.

Judy -- Yeah I know what you mean -- I used to be superorganized too. Had everything down to a science, and my ability to develop all these sciences was one of my major prides and joys. Now I'm like my Pack Rat who has no connection to the spacetime continuum as we know it. 

Ummm next...There is a very, ahhh...how do I say this...a subtle difference between actually feeling or being unlovable and the kind of unlovable Helen is describing. I actually THINK I can articulate it precisely: yes, your family and friends may love you, and for THAT kind of love it really and truly does not matter what you look like; hair or no hair, short hair or long, blonde, brunette, redhead or grey, good breasts, mangled breasts or no breasts, skinny, "just right" or overweight -- none of that matters because THIS kind of lovable is what's on the INSIDE, which consists of but is not limited to such qualities as intelligence, kindness or loyalty. The kind of "lovable" which is dependent on physical beauty (which both Helen and I are screaming upset about having lost that) means SEXUALLY AND ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTIVE, the kind that's gonna get a guy's attention so he can even FIND OUT about the inner qualities which are lovable, and let's face it, you know how men are. Even if you have a man who both proclaims and acts as though he loves you and you feel secure in your relationship, he's still gonna LOOK at gorgeous women who have beautiful faces, beautiful hair and beautiful bodies (which happen to not be overweight or missing any breasts). That is biologically hardwired in males, and that's what they'll chase after first. Now the problem with this is that somehow, "sexually and romantically attractive" are, definitely for me and probably for Helen (so I get the impression anyway: she'll correct me if I'm wrong), the MOST important, MOST powerful kind of love -- is romantic sexual love -- and if we don't feel THAT kind of attractive (and why would we with all these hair problems and mutilated bodies?!), we consider ourselves "unlovable" -- totally forgetting the inner qualities why our friends love us and even though deep down we know they love us, that's just "not enough."

Kind of on that subject, I still honestly don't know how I manage to keep that Pack Rat with my ugly short hair, tubby body with a mangled breast and an approaching expiration date on top of it all, but he's venturing back to my Sewer Rat Nest tomorrow night. Should be interesting, it's been all kinds of hot and hideous here. Yup I have an AC for the bedroom and the living room. But oh my has it ever been hot and hideous here. We had a power failure (I was apparently not the only person blasting an AC -- it was 104 degrees F (40 C for you, Helen) and the heat index was 117 (47.2 C) but when the power came back, the bedroom AC didn't! Oh yeah and this is an upstairs apartment, remember, and heat rises? Talk about sweltering! Well I updated my backups of both the Mini and the Quicksilver (dying in here!) and then was getting the iBook loaded up because I was gonna camp out in the living room since THAT AC still worked....barely; it's not big enough to cool the whole living room, only enough to take a slight edge off the heat but way better than sweltering in the bedroom...

So I'm getting ready to "move" to the living room and my Pack Rat calls and not only am I telling him about how hot it's been here (100s for several consecutive days) and how I'm "really effed now without the bedroom AC" when he asks me if the power strip it's plugged into has an indicator light. It's on the floor behind the bed so I have to pick it up and look. While picking it up and looking I see no light, but there is a switchy thingie (listen to that, 'switchy thingie' I call it, geez wouldja ever guess my Pack Rat is a mechanical designer/inventor?!). I press the switchy thingie and hear a  "BEEP!" I tell my Pack Rat this and he says to try to turn on the AC now. It worked!  (whew!!!!)

Well anyway so among other things we talk about him coming down this weekend and instead of the usual "gonna lock the doors and wear you out so you never escape" business I said I wanted to run away from home and was thinking of escaping with him when he leaves on Sunday afternoon to return to his Nest in the North. Dunno if I actually will do that or not but I'm tempted as all hell, I'm so sick of "same shit different day" and I figure for once I don't have any doctor appointments next week plus it's also his work-from-home week so maybe....well we'll see. 

In the meantime, I went food shopping. I only bought stuff for Weekend Pack Rat Spoilage (no extras like I usually do...in the event I run away from home for a week). I'm going to make the Italian sausage, potatoes, onions and peppers recipe again, plus, dunno how we went on for 7 years without me ever making my Infamous English Muffin Pizzas for him, but I've never made it for him...YET. I will this weekend; I bought all the stuff.

Well OK, gotta go for now. As much as you can: feel good and have fun.

~Lena. 

Lena

OH WAIT, I FORGOT -- Geri did you finish the Herceptin yet?

hrf

Hey Lena ... always good to hear from you so don't worry about the post regarding Arimidex. We all do the best we can - maybe the Arimidex is making things worse but maybe not. As I said, it doesn't change the circumstances. I like  your descriptions of love and totally agree. As women, we need and want it all .. .need to feel loved for who we are on the inside and also love to feel loved for our outside qualities too ..... it's hard when any part of it disappears. Many romantic relationships begin with the superficial things that attract us to each other and it's an exciting part of life. Hopefully the relationships develop into deeper more meaningful attractions but it's great to continue to experience the excitement of romance. I spent almost 6 years with this man and the last time I saw him (the night before my surgery) he said there was zero chance that he would bail on me ..... but he did. He was also supportive of me doing the surgery because he said I was choosing life .... so go figure ..... I think it's easier to get over these heartbreaks when  you are younger and always meeting new people. But at this stage and age - half bald, no breasts, fat stomach ..... I don't have the will or the courage to start again. Lena, your pack rat must be a good guy and must love for who you are - both inside and outside. Enjoy your time with him.....and he know how to get the AC going .... very good....extra points for that ... LOL

JudyNaomi

Hi all, Lena and Helen - good to hear from you both. Lena, I am always both entertained and inspired by your postings. The whole love thing is difficult and complicated sometimes and although we all know that it is what is inside that is important, it is still hard to deal with the issues that we face on the outside too. That is why coming here is so good for me, I get the reassurance that I need which in turn gives me confidence. Hopefully, eventually, I will feel ok with myself, but I know that I am not there yet.

Lena - have a great weekend and a fun and relaxing time. Helen - take care of yourself for now and enjoy your family and friends.

Geri - are you done? Can we raise that glass yet?  

Alaina - how is your aunt feeling?

Hope all of you are doing ok today, once again, apologies for not mentioning you all by name.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Hugs to you all, Judy x

Lena

Hmmm, OK, there's a first time for everything, right? So today is the first time since this whole chemo nightmare started where I'm actually going to TRY playing the "fake it till you make it" game. Meaning I know I'm not going to be even remotely sexy unless or until my hair gets long and I lose 24 pounds, but......here I am awaiting my Pack Rat -- wearing this "special" black tank top and a skirt with no undies..........

Gosh, I'm sure I look incredibly ridiculous. Maybe I ought to go put on pants and a big floppy T-shirt......

Well have a good weekend everyone. 

 ~Lena. 

inthemoment

Go for the sexy outfit Lena - Pack Rat's gonna love it!

As for me, I have been reading daily and keeping up with you all, but had a minor melt-down on Tuesday...no, actually a major melt-down.  I went in for my Herceptin humming a happy tune, this being the next to last and all, when my chemo nurse says..."I only counted 50 treatments, not 51..you have 2 more to go, not one more".  Impossible, says I.  I count every single week and I KNOW I am on the next to last one - she counts again..."nope, you have two more"...I promptly burst into tears.  She, the onc nurse, tries to console me..."it's ONLY one more week than you planned on"...is she crazy?  I don't have to explain this to anyone of you on here - you all know what one more week you didn't plan on after a year and a half of treatments would do to you too.  So, I sniffled through my treatment, and she told me "go home and double check me, but I'm sure you're not done until July 20th."

You can bet I flew home and got out my trusty cancer calendar where I record everything cancer related, so I don't have to see it daily on my regular calendar, and I have me finishing, as I thought, on July 13th.  So I call her and leave a voice mail - "please count again, I am not wrong" .  No call back from her on Tuesday, Wednesday or until 3PM Thursday, when I finally call her..."oh, I'm really busy - didn't get to count it yet, will try today"..Me - "ok, Chris, please do because it's really important to my emotional well-being to know if I am done this coming Tuesday"...ok, says she - can you guess - no call today either.  I call today at 4PM, she has left for the weekend.  I am sooooo pissed, I can't think straight.  I hang up and the thought of waiting the whole weekend to see if I actually finish this g^d damn treatment on Tuesday or not is making me crazy - well, ya know what, I have to empower myself, I will not be a victim of her insensitivity.  I call back, ask for the office manager, and tell her what has happened.  She tells me that was not right, that Chris is the one who started with the qeustionable finish date, and she should have called me back - no s^it, sherlock.  I told the manager she could either get my chart and go over all 51 weeks with me on the phone, or I could come to the office and sit in the waiting room and count myself.  You all know the answer - "I will stay until this is straightened out" says the office manager.  I get a call at 5, again at 6:30 and finally at 7PM, that the problem was the onc nurse did not chart a treatment on June 15th that I had!!!!  Can you believe it (yes, you can) that all this was a mistake in her charting - what if this was a potent medication that should only be given 52 times, and she made that mistake, and I didn't question it!  Oh boy, I felt good that I pushed it - now I just hope she is gentle on Tuesday when I show up to get my port accessed and my last herceptin done .  So, the very long answer is:

YES - break out the Herceptini's - Geri is finished injections on July 13th...PARTY.  By the way, the ingrediants for a Herceptini are cherry brandy, dash of pinapple juice, black cherry flavored vodka with a cherry for garnish.  Will be knocking them down this weekend.

I'm sorry this post is so long, and I want to thank you all for asking for my friend Bonnie who is having surgery Monday at Sloan-Kettering and will find out on Thursday what her treatment plan is - please keep her in your thoughts and for those of you who do, in your prayers.  I will post again soon and ask after each of you because there is much I want to say, but I am exhausted from this week - but strong enough to still say yeah to finishing herceptin.

Love

Geri

hrf

Geri ... way to go!!!!! Good for you!!!!!

BetsyBuzz

Wow...

I'm amazed at the dialog this past week. That's what I get for not keeping up. Lena...you do make me smile with the honesty of your posts. I visualized you in a star trek outfit. My LDH was a huge star trek fan. It sounds like you are feeling slightly better which is good. I hope you have a fabulously sex fulled weekend with Pack Rat. I agree with your thoughts on Al's. I am not going to jump on that band wagon when I finally officially in memopause. Fortunately for me my onc is ok with me staying on tamox. ...Unfortunately...it gives me the same problems with weight issues as you've described. The muffin mid section just plain sucks.

Geri - OMG I can not believe your chemo nurse did that to you! I am so glad you were persistent and advocated for yourself. I will toast to you on the 13th. Isn't your last treatment the 12th?

I will also keep your friend Bonnie in my prayers. I hope her surgery goes well.

Helen - It makes me sad that you are feeling so blue again. After losing my first husband to cancer...I know what it feels like to be depressed due to a lost. Some of what I struggled with had to do with the lost of control in my life...everything sort of spun out of control. The way I got through it was by dealing with was slowly...and I mean slowly changing one little thing at a time. It takes time but I did end up starting a brand new and in some ways a better life. I'm not saying that is what you are feeling but I thought just maybe by sharing my experience I might help a bit. I'm glad you are getting counseling. Don't be too down on yourself...healing takes time.

Lena...now I know your thinking shit...I don't have time. But you do have control of the life you have. Embrace what makes you happy, sims...Pack Rat...good food.

Judy - I hope you are feeling better. Sounds like you are having struggles too.

Titan - you are still my favorite buck. Hope all is well with you.

Group {{HUG}}...

ps Geri we will all be celebrating with you this week. AFT! 

pss  It finally got warm here in the NW. We went from 60 degrees to 98 degrees in 24 hours. I guess this is Global warming...this weather is damn crazy.

  

hrf

Hi Betsy. I do appreciate the advice and I know I am not the only who has had to deal with various losses and troubles in life. I guess I felt that I had had my share and had been strong and work through the problems. My marriage ended in divorce - he was very emotionally and mentally abusive and had started being physically abusive as well to the kids ... so even though I was feeling downtrodden and weak, I pulled myself up and did what I needed to do to end the marriage. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do for me and for my children. I focused on them and built a career. My parents died. Had my heart broken several times - each time I thought it was ok to trust a man. Then had bc ... got through it .... stayed strong......so now I'm older (aka mature???)... was thinking time to enjoy my "golden" years... kids are launched, had relationship that I thought was working - had gone very slow - starting to think retirement... and bang - bc again!!! worse this time ... so many permanent side effects, surgeries etc. and relationship ends badly (because of bc).... I think I'm worn out from being strong and working through life's problems... I reached my limit. It just feels too hard now. I've given up on thinking that everything works out eventually ... it just is what it is and this is my life.

BetsyBuzz

Helen,

Sounds like you have every reason to be blue...it just make me sad and I wish I could help in some way. The way you write just brings up those raw feelings I had when I was in a very dark place. I'm sorry if I made you feel worse. It's ok to be sad...maybe you are doing exactly what needs to be done, embracing all of your losses (marriage, body, parents, hair, lover). At least you know this is a safe place to vent and get support. 

I have spent every night this past week packing my kitchen and family room. We are almost moved out. I will be cooking in our utility room for the next two months and eating outside. This should be interesting. At least I won't be focused on my body this July. Do you all remember how awful we felt last year at this time? And how bald we were? 

Has anyone else had troubles sleeping lately? I think I'm going to take a pill tonight. I haven't had to in ages but this entire week I've maxed out on about 5 hours of sleep a night. It's not enough to function on. 

Well...good night.

Betsy 

JudyNaomi

Lena - go for whichever outfit makes you feel best and have the time of your life! Enjoy every minute!

Geri - what a story! Good for you for being persistent with this. It is good that you kept your own calendar and were able to sort it out. And how frustrating, that you had to chase them until it was dealt with. I completely understand what a blow that must have been to you when you thought you were almost done. I am so pleased that it is all sorted and so happy for you that this week marks the beginning of the rest of your life! My thoughts are with Bonnie. Please keep us posted.

Betsy - I have a lot of trouble sleeping and sometimes, I reach the point of exhaustion, where I just cry. I take melatonin and I think it helps me stay asleep, but I am not sure it helps me fall asleep. Let me know if you try it and if it helps.

Helen - thinking of you as always. I think Betsy may be right - maybe embracing all your losses may be the first step in dealing with them. We are always here for you. I understand that you feel that you are too tired to keep on being strong and that maybe this is what life is going to be like now. So maybe the way forward is to find a way to accept that this is your new life and to see how you can make the best of it. I think that part of my therapy is trying to come to terms with what there is now and not trying to go back to a place that isn't here anymore. I am sorry if I have spoken out of turn.

Titan - hope all is ok with you.

Amy - Hope you are doing ok too.

Alaina - thinking of you and your family as always.

Hugs to all for a good day, Judy xxx

Lena

Hi again all.

Crap almighty Helen! I wish I knew what I could say to you -- if that's even POSSIBLE --  to make you feel better about your man leaving you because of the breast cancer. Just saying "that really effin' SUCKS" may be true, and that's what I think of it, but doesn't really soothe your hurt feelings, I'm sure. :-*(  I guess only a hug would work, but only for about 15 seconds, right?  {{{{{Helen}}}}} And yeah, I totally know about feeling too old and ugly to try to find someone new (and better!). Hell, I only got my Pack Rat because *I WAS FIXED UP WITH HIM* -- I had already totally given up on finding a new man when I was "only" 40, I still had my long hair, the matching set of 34Cs, and I was "only" 10 pounds overweight which I was able to dress to hide easily (meaning, I was still kinda cute!). I was so totally not looking for a new man then, because I was stuck on the idea, thanks to my ex-husband who cheated on me with a 24-year-old girl when we were 38 (that's why I divorced him, cheating is a dealbreaker for me) -- that if a woman was not already married or in an otherwise serious relationship before she was 40, her love life would be over for good: at 40 or older she would be too old to attract a new man (unless she was one of those rare birds who somehow looked like an ex-supermodel LOL); even men my age obviously preferred much younger women so it seemed (although I didn't join or contact anybody, out of curiosity since my co-writer at the time had met her husband through online dating, I looked at a couple online dating websites and that was the impression I got from the men who were listed, plus, the guys I worked with at the time were total pigs in that regard too (i.e., a woman who wasn't young and pretty wasn't worth it). So I'd go to work, and with the occasional exception of hanging around with my friend Kym and her husband every few weeks or so, stayed hiding out in this apartment writing sci fi fantasy novels for no other reason than my need to do something creative and enjoy myself, since I had to give up composing/recording music which had formerly served that purpose. So if I felt my love life was over for good when I was "only" 40 and still kinda cute at least, I totally know I wouldn't be able to look for a man either if I had very little hair, no breasts and was overweight too.

When I was 41, Kym and her husband fixed me up with this then 37-year-old Pack Rat -- so I got him handed to me on a silver platter. I just got lucky is all. VERY lucky -- putting us together was like tossing a lit match into a puddle of gasoline, and the fire still hasn't gone out. 

OMG Geri!! I don't blame you for being pissed. OK, so um, hm, today is the 12th, so TOMORROW is your last Herceptin. OK, guess I'll have to come back in here tomorrow to cheer for you! ;-)

Judy -- how's the therapy going and oh geez, I now know about being overwhelmed to tears when a major project comes up (more momentarily). I'm glad you're able to enjoy time with your husband and kids -- I can also enjoy time with my Pack Rat when I get any. But if I can get through with the New Project, there'll be more time with him unless I die even sooner than I think.

Alaina -- how's your aunt? Is she still doing well?

Betsy -- is it summer for you yet? You can have all my NJ hot and humid if you want...  :::::ducks and runs:::::

Amy -- how's the exercise coming? I'm thinking after this week, my leg might be well enough to start walking again. (No hula hoops or cartwheels for me ever, though! And I'll start the walking with a slow build up like when I originally started, have to work my way back up to 2+ miles a day...LOL) But I've been sticking to my diet even though I'm getting discouraged by how slow the weight loss is. I was trying to lose 1 pound per week and at first it was looking that way, but then I'd get 3-4 days in a row when my weight would be the same even though I stayed within my calorie count. My Pack Rat and I did some math this weekend. He even designed me a spreadsheet with formulas and a chart that shows the trend (up or down) based on my actual daily scale weight. So in spite of how slow the numbers seem to be going down when I get on the scale in the mornings, the trend line is still going down, and we calculated my weight loss rate to be one pound every 10 days, and if I keep this up for a year, I'll be down BELOW my goal by 6 pounds. Well, I don't think I need to get all the way down to 119 (but that's about where I was in my late teens and it looked damn good on me); my goal this time has been 125. Well we'll see how it all goes. And maybe if I get back to my exercise walks, the weight loss will go a little faster.

Titan --  I'm glad you like your hair, and sorry about your friend's sister just getting diagnosed. Breast cancer SUCKS!!!!!

I know, since my posting habits have always been so irregular, I probably shouldn't have to warn you that I may get even MORE irregular for awhile, but, and even though I just started preparations, I don't know how in hell or even IF I'm going to be able to pull this off with my damaged brain, disabled body and just barely enough to live on amount of money, even though my Pack Rat will be helping me when and as he can as Escape Day draws near, BUT....

Yes, I said Escape Day. I'm gonna try to get past the mire of being trapped here...get the hell out of this stinking slum in the armpit of the USA and move up to where my Pack Rat is. My lease with the slumlords here is over as of 10/31/10. What I have to do between now and the last week of October, in addition to trying not to have a nervous breakdown, is (1) figure out how to get medically situated over there in terms of both an oncologist/cancer center and my social security disability income/Medicaid and get that done; (2) inventory and Major Purge to get rid of the stuff I don't "need" (i.e.,probably half of my books, records and tapes, the electric piano under the bed (I wanted to get rid of THAT just over a decade ago when I sold off the rest of my instruments and recording equipment but my then-husband insisted I keep it...(um what about "I had a stroke and my left hand doesn't work well enough to play musical instruments anymore!" didn't he understand, and why didn't I listen to him and just sell it over his objections?"), see if I can get rid of some of the clothes too, just whatever it will take to get me pared down enough to not have to pay for a great big expensive moving truck. If I have to, I'll leave all the furniture here, just taking my computers, clothes, dishes, videos, DVD/VHS players/TV set, SOME of my books, SOME of my music, SOME of my knick-knacks (the mad scientist ones). But packing is going to be a major ordeal....

So we did a bunch of Internet research yesterday -- well we both already knew about the Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center (when we used to talk about my moving up there, he told me about it and said maybe I could get a microbiology lab tech job there), but now we found out they also have the Norris Cotton Comprehensive Cancer Center right there at Dartmouth. So that's my starting point. I had to leave a message with the Care Management social worker I was transferred to when I called up asking how I would go about changing from Trinitas Comprehensive Cancer Center here where I am now, to Norris Cotton if I move to NH.

This (the idea of me moving to NH to be closer to my Pack Rat) is something we have on infrequent occasions discussed on and off for several years, which obviously resulted for various reasons at various times, in my continuing to stay here. The idea of him moving to NJ was never an option and I knew that from day one: I accepted it totally because even if I didn't particularly want to live in NH, I still HATE NJ and don't blame anyone for not wanting to live here. Well something he said to me on the phone a couple weeks ago, he meant it to be sympathetic/empathetic for the fact that I've been going through all this cancer and depression stuff mostly all by myself and how hard it must be -- got me to thinking. And when he was here this weekend (yup he was wonderful, he's my PACK RAT...and yes Geri I did keep the skirt on, until he got here and you were right, very shortly thereafter had no more need of it ;-) ) -- well it hit me. I CAN'T do this all alone anymore, and knowing my days are even more numbered than they were before, well I don't want to be so far away from my Pack Rat anymore even if it means I have to move to NH. Oh, NH is beautiful actually, the reason why it was never on my list of "places I'd like to move to" was fear of the winters up there. Well I'm still afraid of them, but I realized I'm still afraid of winter here too anyway. At least up there I'll have a nice warm Pack Rat to help me deal with the fearsome winters.

OK enough rambling. I need to eat my lunch now, and maybe get the actual number of that social worker (yes I have his name). But there I was this morning with all my notes from yesterday setting up written down stuff to make the call, all freaking out overwhelmed by the Big Project...

~Lena. 

JudyNaomi

Hi all, hope everyone is doing ok today.

Titan - how is your friend's sister doing? Are you ok? I feel like we haven't heard a lot from you these past few days.

Amy - how is the trainer coming along? Are you feeling the benefits yet? I did a really difficult workout yesterday and even though it left me quite stiff : ), I did feel better for it for the rest of the day.

Geri - So excited for you! Tomorrow! YAY! Let us know when you are done so we can all raise our glasses together!

Helen - how are you doing today? Are you feeling any better? Do you have any summer plans? Sending you (((HUGS))) as always.

Lena - I so enjoyed your posting today. You always have so much news! Your PR sounds amazing and so supportive. The fact that he is considerate of how hard it must be for you to go through all of this alone, says so much for him. It could be a really positive change for you to move (especially if you are not happy in NJ) and to start somewhere new and different. Of course, moving home, any distance is traumatic, but you sound like you have a pretty good plan to get it all going.

We have been busy planning a vacation which is quite challenging when on a small budget, but we hope to be able to have some family time away together. I am completely obsessed with my weight. A few years ago, I did this great diet and lost 70 pounds! I managed to keep it off till the BC, but now I find that I am struggling. I am sure that giving up smoking increases how much I eat and being menopausal may also have an effect. Sometimes, like Lena said, I am really careful for a few days in a row and when I step on the scales, nothing has moved. It is so frustrating. The Onc told me not to look at the numbers, just to eat sensibly and healthily and to excercise. Trouble, is I cannot resist chocolate! I do aerobics at least twice a week, but am finding it quite hard lately. So, I do what I can. All part of trying to accept the situation now and not trying to recapture what was a year and a half ago. (I sound so sensible - I wish that I could take my own advice sometimes - LOL!)

I cannot believe that at the end of July, I will be a year out of chemo. My hair is still too short for my liking, but it is growing.

When I think about everything that I have been through this past year, I know that I could not have done it without all of you.

Hugs to you all for a good day, Judy x

AmyIsStrong

Lena   

There was more energy in your 'voice' in your last post than I have heard (read) since you first started posting. I am SO HAPPY and excited for you to have an idea, a plan, some momentum.  The change is going to do you GOOD!  Of course now you will be out of my driving range if I had to come up and whip you into shape. But now PR can do that!  I know there will be obstacles along the way, and that moving is always stressful and challenging (and it sounds like you have A LOT of stuff). But the internal change in your demeanor is so noticeable - I am just very happy about it.

I am doing my workouts religiously.  My approach is to NEVER get on the scale. I am not willing to do the emotional ups/downs based on a number which can fluctuate for many reasons day to day.  I can tell over a few weeks of eating right/exercising when my clothes feel better and my body feels trimmer. And that is starting to happen now.  Of course being in the medical world, THEY insist on weighing you every visit (which I hate) but I don't go back to the Onc until Oct and the scale will definitely reflect a change by then. I am having trouble with my elbow and shoulder on the right side (not the bc side) and have some pain/soreness so I am trying not to aggravate that, and should PROBABLY rest it for a few weeks but I am too motivated now to stop working out hard.  I really want to see results. And when I work out this hard, I am motivated to not eat junk or sweets or fattening stuff because I dont' want to undo the results of the workout. So it all goes hand in hand for me.  I'll let you know in another few weeks if I continue to see good results.

Judy - talk to someone at your gym about adding weights/resistence training to the aerobics.  Cardio alone will not give you the results as fast as adding strength training.  When you build muscle, it uses up more calories even at rest, so you can eat more and burn it off. Before BC, I was at a weight/muscle ratio where I could eat mostly whatever I wanted (within reason) and it would burn off. I loved that and was determined not to lose it once dx. But....this is what happened and I'm just glad to be done with tx and now I am applying  my determination to get back to where I was before all this started.

Love to all! Off to the gym now.

inthemoment

Hi All,

Well, the onc office continues to screw around with me.  After I finally got the office manager on Friday to confirm that tomorrow is my last treatment, they call me at 5:15 today to tell me that the doctor is not in for my normal (51 weeks worth) of 11 AM treatment - they have rescheduled me for 11 AM on Wednesday - so, I don't finish tomorrow, but have to wait until Wednesday.  I know, not a big deal, but it's like "they won" - the only thing it did do was convince me I have been right all along - get me another oncologist going forward!  So, hang on to those Martini glasses until Wednesday.

Lena, I agree with what Amy said...you sound the best you have in, well, in forever!  I'm so happy that PR and you will be together full time, and you can love him until he can't take anymore.

Amy - sounds like you are a woman on a mission!  I'll be right behind you if I could ever get these treatments finished.

Judy - Where are you going on your vacation?  I'veplanned a four day trip to Vermont the second week of August with friends and I can't wait! (Assuming they let me finish this damn Herceptin by then!)

Titan - You haven't been saying much lately - everything ok?

Helen - You have had some very tough times, and I can only hope you find peace and comfort in being alone (not lonely), until someone comes along who sees the beautiful nature you have shown to all of us.

Alaina - Is your Aunt doing ok?

Betsy - to answer your question, I remember vividly how I felt about my body this time last year - I was never going to have hair, my eyebrows and eyelashes had all fallen out, never to reappear, and I had a rosy red rash all over my face with one booblet (by the way, a booblet is a partially inflated tissue expander - one that I had to live with for over a year until the leak (do ya all remember the plastic surgeon's response - something like, "Well. my dear, you sure do have a leaky boob"

Chelev - where are you...how's the job search coming?

Did I remember everyone?  I sure hope so.

Well, more waiting, let's hope Wednesday will be THE DAY.

Lena - glad to hear the skirt was a hit, before it hit the floor!

JudyNaomi

Hi all,

Amy - I am so impressed and inspired by your commitment to your excercise and physical well being!  Twice a week, I do weight bearing excercises to strengthen my bones, I will look into the excercise that you suggested too - thanks! This week, I have decided to be more careful what I eat and have also resolved not to get onto the scales. You are so right, there can be a number of reasons that the numbers change and it can be very disheartening.

Geri - So sorry that they messed you about yet again! But....hopefully, but this time tomorrow or soon after, you will be DONE!!! Hooray for you! We are not sure yet where we are travelling to, somewhere in the North East, but still not decided.

Lena - I know that I wrote this yesterday, but I agree with Amy and Geri - you sound so different and so positive - it makes me so happy to read it!

Titan - I am a little worried about you. I hope everything is ok with you and look forward to hearing from you soon here.

Chelev - Have you made any progress with the job search?

Betsy, Alaina and Helen - I hope you are all ok today.

Hugs to you all and have a good day, Judy x

Lena

Came in to check on how Geri's last Herceptin went and see it all got screwed up again -- OH CRAP THAT SUCKS!!!!!!

Well, since I'm here -- now it's time for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Remember last summer that time I went supermarket shopping, it was 90+ degrees out (32+ C, Helen) and just as I finished paying and was about to leave, there was a sudden mysterious out-of-the-blue downpour which lasted 20 mins or half an hour or something like that? And I was afraid to go out in it because I was afraid it would destroy my wig, and then I rambled on about how this one time I had gotten caught in a downpour like that just as I was leaving work one day, I had no umbrella and knew I'd get soaked no matter what so I decided to have fun, and I stomped in the puddles like a 2-year-old and when I got home and it was still downpouring like that, ran up to my apartment, got the dish soap and a rag and washed my car in it?

Just before I was about to have lunch today, I happened to look out the window and see one of those sudden downpours starting. Sooo -- I put on my sandals (shoes I don't care if they get soaked), grabbed the dish soap and a rag, went outside, and WASHED MY CAR! I'm serious! I guess if I can't be pretty anymore I can still be a raving psycho, right? As I was coming down the courtyard stairs this guy was walking real fast up the courtyard sidewalk hurrying to the building trying to NOT get soaked, and he gets to see this lunatic woman with stuck-her-fingers-in-the-electric-socket hair, wearing a T-shirt with a huge caffeine molecule on it, blue pants and dirty-white colored sandals, carrying an almost full bottle of Palmolive dishwashing liquid in one hand, and a green towel-rag in the other, stomping in the puddles.

Oh, and the timing was so good, too -- just as I was finished with the car wash, the rain slowed down...but I was COMPLETELY soaked. Had to PEEL off my clothes and dry off my whole body with one of the "shower towels."

TOTALLY worth it! Maybe next time I'll go out with some shampoo and conditioner.

~Lena. 

AmyIsStrong

You go Lena!  I'm telling you - this is a new woman we are reading about here! New breath of life - or maybe it's just the coffee molecule getting you energized!  Either way, your posts fill me with happiness.

Judy and all - i asked the trainer last night about the scale - he said weigh yourself NO MORE than once/month and to use how your clothes fit as a guide the rest of the time.So that's what I'm doing.  I definitely feel very motivated right now so I am goign with it.  A few months ago, the whole idea of pushing myself and watchign what I ate and working out hard felt totally overwhelming. Now it doesn't. So I'm taking advantage of how I feel now.

hrf

Geri, sorry they are still screwing up your Herceptin treatment. I know it will be a big, huge, gigantic load off once it's done

Lena, since you made your decision to move to be closer to your PR, you sound positively giddy. It's wonderful to "feel" the excitement in your voice. It seems to me that this move will not only make you happy, but you will feel stronger and healthier. There are women on these boards who are doing fine at stage IV even after 12 years.

Chelev, how's the job search?

I am very impressed with you -- Amy & Judy - with your new approach to fitness. I think I would feel better if I lost weight. I think I mentioned that the chemo turned me into a diabetic and I've been going to classes to learn more about it ... it all sux...but I have to change my mindset. So I am declaring now - to you  - my very dear friends - that starting tomorrow I'm going to get serious about exercise and healthy eating. I have a little bit of junk food in the house (not much - honestly) and I'll get rid of it today. I need to lose 66 pounds. It seems like such a big hill to climb but maybe when I read about your efforts, it will motivate me.

Hugs to everyone.

inthemoment

Yeah Helen - we will all support each other in our new weight loss venture, just like we've done the in the past.

Hey Lena - I've got a car that could really use a good wash - next time you have a manic episode let me know - I'll even drive the car down to New Jersey (blind folded, cause I know you're going to say you won't let me see you!)  Isn't it great how everyone is so happy for you sounding so much better - Lena, I do believe you have made the day for all of us.

Well, let's hope tomorrow is really IT for the Herceptin - fingers and toes crossed everyone please.

Love,

Geri

Titan

Hey kids...I'm fine!  Most people LIKE it when I am quiet for a few minutes!  I'm still very, very busy with my kids and job this summer but I still try to keep up with everyone...I'm lurking!  I hang out on the TN thread sometime too.....nice group of ladies over there too.

Lena it is nice to hear your "voice" ..like Amy says you sound a like your old self..that is good to hear!   Hey..about washing your car in the rain..go for it...the one thing about breast cancer is that we seem to get away with just about anything!

Geri...waiting for that martini!   I still haven't had one yet..will you just get done already? 

Lena

Hahahahaha! Ladies, please don't confuse anxious-overwhelmed-panicked "mania" with optimism, enthusiasm and being a "new woman." I haven't moved in 25 years so I'm scared anyway with "what do I do" since it's been so long I don't remember, PLUS, unlike that last time (when I moved into THIS apartment), I now have disability and terminal illness issues to deal with, and I am royally freaking out! I haven't heard from the social worker at Norris Cotton Cancer Center I left the message with on Monday, and couldn't get an email address for him (my Pack Rat had suggested someone at Dartmouth, like that social worker, could help me navigate through this. Oh geez i WISH!). Well in the meanwhile, while I'm waiting, I start looking up things on the Medicaid front, and that's scaring the living shit out of me. Just because I was eligible for and receive NJ Medicaid does not mean that I'll qualify for NH Medicaid -- I'm gonna have to apply for it THERE and can't do it until I'm a RESIDENT of NH, and it takes 45 days for them to decide if you're eligible/get it -- and I still have to find out if NJ Medicaid will "shut off" when they find out I applied for NH Medicaid, thereby leaving me with a gap in coverage (so I cannot afford to even stay on my meds) or totally losing coverage "forever" (i.e., NH Medicaid denies my application). 

The other complication is the fact that I have a lease on this apartment and I'm trapped here until it runs out, so it's not like I can move up to NH NOW and get the process going up there...and I don't have a few thousand extra bucks on me to rent an apt up there/begin setting up "new house" now while still paying rent here until the lease is up. I am just totally overwhelmed and it's making me very hyper and anxious. 

That said... um hmmmmm it's only ALMOST 11 AM...I hope Geri is about to get her last Herceptin.

Oh and Amy, you live in MD and you actually consider NJ acceptable driving distance to "whip me into shape" or get a Sims lesson?! Are you KIDDING? It's been between 1-2 decades since I drove to MD (Towson and Baltimore for music stuff and Star Trek conventions, respectively), but I recall it taking about 4 hours to get there (same for the return trip). Which was OK (once or twice a year) to spend a weekend, but not a day trip! Well -- if I had better air conditioning in my apartment, and if you really were actually willing to drive here, I'd PM you with my email addy and phone number and say let's try to arrange it (Geri too, she actually DOES live in what I'd consider a semi-reasonable distance: oh Geri no, you don't have to BLINDFOLD yourself, all you have to do is, if you have one, leave your camera at home!). But the problem is, my living room AC doesn't cool the whole living room so you'd probably be miserable. When it's this hot and humid, I pretty much stay holed up in the bedroom (it's smaller, so the AC does cool the room), only going "out" to use the bathroom and eat. Which is fine for me, but I'm unsure at best about inviting "new people" here (the only guests I've had in over a decade have been Kym and her husband, and my Pack Rat, and they "know," if you know what I mean).  I just don't know if you'd be willing to BRAVE it, and to drive up here for nothing, well forget it. Maybe if it cools down in September and if we all have time?

About weight loss measurement in terms of getting on a scale vs. "how the clothes fit" -- until THIS YEAR (middle of May, to be precise), I didn't even HAVE a scale. I always went by how my clothes fit/how I looked in the mirror,  But (back then) I wasn't trying to lose weight either, even though I estimated by clothes and appearance that I really should lose 10 pounds (this was before the breast cancer). When I FIRST got the breast cancer and was weighed/got the actual number for the first time in years -- yup, I was right on, at 135 pounds I was indeed carrying 10 extra pounds. I never LIKED being 10 pounds overweight, but it didn't bother me enough to get into a diet and exercise campaign -- I just dressed to hide it! LOL. But once I was diagnosed and going to the oncologist and being treated for my breast cancer, well, every single time I showed up for either a doctor visit or chemo infusion, the first thing they did was put me on a frickin scale! OK, I was able to live with it and not get TOO depressed (about my WEIGHT, anyway!) during chemo and my first couple months PFC on Tamoxifen, since I was holding steady in that 135 range, but once I quit smoking and soon thereafter was put on AIs, well yes I noticed I was blowing up like a balloon in "the old way" since I didn't have my own scale yet  -- OF COURSE I could FEEL my clothes getting tighter and tighter and before too long, many of them not fitting at all! I haven't dared to even TRY to squeeze back into the jeans I used to wear this time last year in months -- I "outgrew" them around February -- and I saw in my own mirror how I looked (terrible!), but being put on that goddamn scale every doctor visit and seeing those unprecedented (for me) big numbers -- somehow I decided my "old ways" were not going to work anymore and I couldn't avoid a scale unless I just stop going to the doctor LOL...and while I was able to tolerate being 10 pounds overweight, 30 pounds overweight was UNACCEPTABLE to me.

So for me having my own scale now and a diet plan for which I weigh in every morning (and calculate a trendline based on the number I get on the scale) feels like my way of saying "F-YOU" to the doctor for "making me" fat (he put me on that frickin medication!) and forcing me to get on a scale at a time I really didn't want to, which to me felt like "rubbing it in my face," and now while I'm at it, if I'm going to trouble myself to diet at all, why not set the goal to 125 and be rid of the original 10 pounds overweight too?

Exercise -- hiring a trainer and/or joining a gym is not an option for me (no money for that, and I don't want to drive to a gym anyway), and walking is the only exercise I can do, between my stroke paralysis and joint stiffness from the AIs: all exercises with instructions that begin with "Lie down on the floor or a mat on the floor" are OUT because I have bad balance and it hurts too much to get down or up from anything lower than a chair). Still, though, walking is still exercise, and I figure it's gotta be much better than sitting on my lazy butt all day. I got committed to walking this spring once the weather warmed up enough to spend time outside. I worked my way up from a daily walk around the block to a daily walk with a range of 2-4 miles per day. To that end I was doing a combination of running errands on foot and walking in the park: if on any given day, I had no errands or only a "close" one, I'd walk in the park till I had a minimum of 2 miles -- if I wanted to go to the supermarket, a 4 mile round trip (plus dragging and hauling groceries), I'd go on foot but not have to do any MORE walking that day, I got a pedometer so I know how much I was walking -- and if I hadn't hurt my leg a few weeks ago I'd have kept it up. This is the first week my leg is totally pain free, so it's also my last week of sitting on my butt not doing anything I don't actually have to do, I want to make sure it's healed enough. Next Monday I plan to resume walking, and I'll start all over with walking around the block and building up to 2+ miles per day. I'm hoping that resuming my walks will help me with my diet, too.

Helen, FYI, I used this plan (The Hacker's Diet) to design my OWN diet. This way I still get to eat all the foods I like -- just in lesser quantity is all. If only I'd known about this years ago (it was around then, I just never encountered it), I would have actually troubled myself to lose weight back when I was only 10 pounds overweight! I suggest it to you now because  in addition to how well I think it's working for me (there is no other diet I could even CONSIDER without becoming seriously depressed!), and since you have more weight you want to lose than I've got, I'm thinking perhaps if you don't have to eat foods you don't like or stay totally away from foods you do like, would make it easier for you. I know even my 30 extra pounds (um, well actually 23 now; as of today I'm down 7 from my starting point) was less than your 66, but to me it still felt like an eternity at my starting point May 24th when I was thinking OMG only a pound per week, I'll have to be doing this counting calories crap until December to lose my 30 pounds! But most importantly, the guy who wrote this Hacker's Diet was fat himself -- 70 pounds overweight, and he designed this plan/lost the 70 pounds in less than a year on it (he apparently had more tolerance for "pain" than I do, but OK, even though I'm losing slower than he did, I AM still LOSING!). I wish I could do the exercise plan it includes as an option in the "What, Me Exercise?" chapter, but like I said, walking is really all I can handle, so I'm walking instead of doing this guy's recommended exercises (BTW, you don't HAVE TO exercise to lose weight: as long as you eat fewer calories than you burn, you'll lose weight, but this does NOT mean it's healthy to avoid exercise either). Maybe you'll find it okay for you, though. But the explanation on how weight loss and weight control work, and that it shows you exactly how a dieter can design his or her OWN food plan -- is indispensible. You do need a scale, though. LOL. Copy this linkie into your browser and download The Hacker's Diet (it's also a FUN read, too!):

http://www.fourmilab.ch/hackdiet/www/hackdiet.html 

OK gotta go!

~Lena. 

JudyNaomi

Wow! What a great collection of postings! Geri - I hope that as I am writing this, you are done/nearly done : )

Lena - I loved your posting about the car wash - you are just hilarious and even if your excited behaviour is a result of nerves, at least you are up and about and doing crazy stuff! It's all good I think.

Amy - I think your trainer is right, less scales and more on clothes fitting. I am going to give that a go.

Titan - good to hear from you and to hear that you are busy.

Helen - I admire your new approach, take it slowly, build up your change in lifestyle, so that it doesn't become too overwhelming for you. We are behind you all the way!

Got to run now, hugs to all, Judy x